Why should I care, really.. People.

You know what I hate about facebook?

When you realize someone's deleted you. And I mean someone that you were in contact with over the past year and thought you were at least decent friends... Found out earlier tonight that Jason T. deleted me as a friend, one of the first people I met at Central. I realized this when I was showing his profile to my friend Michael when he mentioned he rock climbed and I'm like "Oh do you know Jason T..?" and looked up his profile and I was like "Oh wow, he deleted me, well this is him...." Ha ha. Yeah it happens. So that'll be the last time you guys'll ever hear about Jason! ha ha, like any of you are keeping track of the people that come in and out of my life...

I had a fun evening. My friend Michael came over to help me with some math from a macro assignment and we ended up just chillin for awhile and studying. He's really smart and enjoyable to talk too. We were drinking and BSing (no class tomorrow) and he mentioned his girlfriend being a computer science and engineering major which I thought was pretty sick so I'm hoping to meet her at some point too. Michael was in my public finance class and lives in the same complex so it was nice to have someone to hang out with instead of studying alone.

Aww, Marshee's sleeping on the ground waiting for Mama to come to bed.... My baby. :-3 Tomorrow I have no classes and I've gotten the majority of my homework done so most of my day will be spent practicing more than likely. I've also gotta start looking for a job... seriously. I stuck all my eggs in one basket with that office assistant job and that's not going to pan out. Back to the drawing board!

peace.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Hello everyone! Happy Birthday to Me!!

New picture of me in glasses, I actually wear them quite a bit in class in comparison to my life outside of school. I really enjoy going to school when I'm on top of things. I guess that's how today was. The fruits of my efforts this weekend paid off, I was able to pay attention in all three of my classes indiscriminately-- without being too confused or frantic because "SHIIIIIT I READ THE MATERIAL BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANNNNYTHING...." That's sort of how it felt the second day of law class. Today was the third, things went MUCH better and I got my participation points FAIRLY-- by having solid answers. Boo-yah. I felt that was sort of a reward for the... probably eight hours of study I did this last weekend.

It cracks me up to think I was going to have some guitar lesson business. I plan to give Corey B. lessons, and whoever else happens to come to me about it, but I will not be advertising lessons anymore. Actually, I would take down those signs but since nobody has called I don't care. I assume they will take down the signs in a month or so anyhow. I've got too much work to do, and any free time I get here will be spent with friends once I find some. Eventually, these things will happen in time. I'm beginning acquaintances with some people. I should start briefly talking about them here to keep track of people I meet....

Natasha H., she sits next to me in Accounting 252. She was one of the first people I met because she came in a little late and was stuck sitting in the handicap desk next to mine (nothing against handicap people, it's just not the first desk people run for). She's really cool, laid back, we're all sort of helping eachother out in this collaborative learning situation... It's sort of bizarre, I've never been in a class like it.

The professor had us divide into groups on the first day, which is how I met Burnadette, this girl that sits next to me in my law class as well (well, starting today). She's really intelligent, prepared and laid back. She clearly reads the material and takes her studies seriously like I do so I decided she'd be a good person to be in a group with. She's got a really funny, dry sense of humor too. I'm pretty we're going to help eachother out this quarter. 

My accounting class is two hours long and the professor only partially lectures. He's following a different classroom setup called the collaborative learning approach where we basically get into groups and review the homework together over the material that we read in the book. This would seem questionable to a lot of students because it might seem like this is just a good way for a professor to slack off, but I actually think it's more like the State requires this particular course to be taught in this backwards fashion. 

When I went to CBC I took the equivalent accounting 102 course for a few days during Spring quarter (my last quarter) but ended up dropping it because I was feeling too lazy. But that managerial accounting class had the same format, the professor split us into groups and had us come up with team names. She could catch us off guard with questions so you'd have to be on top of your work all the time. Teams would get points and lose points for extra credit so there was an air of competition. She was like an Accounting Senora Schmick! 

Makes me think I actually got off easy. My accounting professor has been teaching for 20 years so he's probably not entirely adjusted to these methods. At times he'll almost apologize for the way he's teaching it, like today he said-- "This is a special class, if you take a class like this you get hands on learning and it's very important."  Like he's quoting some presentation that told him how he was supposed to teach the class. So in following this he really just breaks us into groups, we do worksheets, then discuss the problems in class. When he does lecture it's not bad, it makes sense but at times can get really redundant.

Four hours is a long time to pay attention to lectures, period. I walked back and forth twice today so my body is pretty exhausted on top of it. The business building seems soooo far away.

The guitar is becoming a weird second nature to me. I don't know if it's that I've improved to the point that it's that much more comfortable for long periods of time or that I've hit a wall and I'm no longer improving. No, I'd like to believe that if I continue to do these picking exercises and spend the amount of time practicing I'll continue to improve and not hit a wall.... The possibilities are endless really. What I AM saying is that I've hit a wall of knowing what I want to play. I wanted to upload phantom of the opera but it's still not clean/comfortable enough to upload to the internet. I'd still give that a few more weeks. Once I'm done with that I'm done with Iron Maiden on guitar, for GOOD. . . . well, until I learn some music from other artists.


Things sure have improved since my last birthday. I remember going over to Jessika B.'s house for the first time. This started the chain of sketchy scenarios with her throughout the next couple months. Anyway, long story short, ended up calling into work the next day because I was hungover and had a grand time with her almost certainly alcoholic, creep ass roommate. I will never.... again... I don't even know what I was thinking, seriously. Thank God I found the guitar, otherwise my self esteem might still be that low...

1 year 10 months!

That's how long it's been now since I've been in a official relationship! Can you believe it, that's nuts, almost two entire years now! It's okay, it's funny this last year I've gotten such a different perspective on the whole thing it doesn't bother me at all anymore. Actually, I've found I'm the most relaxed when I'm not really involved with guys at all. Jason and I are.... DONE. We pretty gracefully cut that off.

He first tried blowing me off. I asked him why we weren't talking and that the "no communication" was making me frustrated. I asked him what his deal was. He told me this wasn't the time to talk about it. No response from me. He told me he was no longer interested. I told him okay, I respect that, we're no longer dating. See you around my friend, nice talking to you. Goodbye.

THEN. He has the nerve to drunken text me that night. Ugh, so rude. Men need to learn some respect.

peace.

6 hour study day.... go!

I decided today is going to be my BIG study day, my goal is SIX hours total.

My to-do list today is pretty crazy so I've got to get started early. Math has me extremely paranoid and frustrated because my instructor never writes out the steps of anything-- I have to annotate everything he says and I end up missing other steps. It doesn't help that the textbook is completely useless.

But if I do these six hours of study today I should be a lot better off for next week and I'll feel more prepared than I did this week. Most of my first tests are in this upcoming week as well so I should definitely be re-saturating the information in my brain, getting a chance to sleep on it, and re-studying it the next day to get a better understanding than the previous day.

This has been working with my legal class. I've been studying that for a couple hours each day and I've already got a better understanding of the court system than when I started. I printed out one of the old legal tests for the first unit-- 108 problems full of legal terminology and rules, it's incredibly difficult and if I don't prepare for this diligently I will inevitably fail this test. So wish me luck on that.

So today's goals are:
- Do laundry
- Annotate ch. 2 of my legal textbook
- ...Then take the Ch. 1/2 quiz for my legal class.
- Math for at least two hours, going to meet up with Patrick and he's going to help me out. Maybe we'll also hang out this evening after I get everything done, who knows.
-Annotate chapter 2 of accounting book.

As you can see, lots and lots of work, but if I get done with this I'm going to be SO proud of myself. I don't know when I'm going to be able to squeeze guitar in today. Yesterday I only got to play a half hour, it sucks! But I guess that's what I expected coming here, I was so blessed to be able to sit around practicing for 3 hours a day back home but here I have to earn that time.

peace.


Later....

Patrick came over and helped me with my math for almost two hours, AND brought me a bag of bagels when I asked him to pick me up one on his way back from the SURC. That was super sweet of him and he got major brownie points to spend time with me again if he wants too. 

Jason hasn't talked to me all day, this is the second day in a row. I had told him earlier this week that my birthday was this upcoming monday, asking if he wanted to spend time together. I mean obviously, why wouldn't we? He told me he's got other plans this weekend and that he'll let me know if he can get out of them. 

I've already got plans, my parents and Katelynn are coming up on Sunday, we're probably going to have dinner and it'll be a chill time. I'm not worried about if Jason's involvement anymore, I just always feel like I'm an inconvenience to him now and I don't want to feel that way about anyone. I want to feel like that person is enjoying spending time with me, doesn't everyone? 

So because Jason told me that he is going to let me know if he can get out of plans or not, I'm going to wait it out. If he seriously has no regard for my feelings what-so-ever, he will text me AT ALL this weekend. If that is the case, that will be the end of Jason and I's run. So if he's like almost every other guy that I've been involved with romantically, he will follow that hypothesis, ignore me, and I'll have to cut things off which I really don't WANT to do because I like Jason but I can't just wait and wait if he's just going to blow me off like that. 

I'm satisfied that I now have a verdict on this. I'm not going to text Jason first this weekend at all and we'll see what he does. Until then I've got a lot of stuff going on so it doesn't really matter. 

peace. 

Two word responses can be hard to read.

Sometimes that's how I feel when I talk to Jason, like I'm annoying or bothering him. We used to text a lot but now when we do text I get these short little responses that I can't make sense of. It's hard, I like him and I want to spend time with him but sometimes I feel like any minute he's going to say, "Look, I'm gonna have my own experience and I don't want to feel like I've got some obligation to deal with you. Goodbye."

So of course in order to avoid this I'm keeping things extremely light and trying not to pressure him to spend time with me one way or the other. If he wants to spend time with me, great! If not, well, okay I'll go do my own thing-- I've always got shit to do because of my rigorous study and practice habits so it's not like I'm waiting around for Jason all day. I don't even know if he considers us to be "dating."

Because see there's that stage where you're flirting and getting to know eachother, which in the past month and a half we've certainly spent a great deal of time doing. Then when we actually met at Central things have been going steady for the most part, but I can't help but have this suspicion that he's going to suddenly not talk to me ever again... it sucks. I really don't trust that any guy that I actually have feelings for is going to want me back because it's never happened. I've always just felt dumped off like trash... like oh, I'm done with what I wanted from you now.

I'm hoping things will change someday. I just keep praying that they will, it's been nearly two years that I haven't had guy that was actually willing to start a relationship with me. I've definitely had dates, flings, whatever-- but nothing that ever actually evolved into a relationship. What Jason and I have right now is the closest I've gotten so I'm treating it extremely delicately.

I feel like I'm the one whose keeping this alive more than he is though. Jacob told me, "If a girl is pursuing a guy, there's something wrong..." Well what am I supposed to do, just ignore him completely and hope he starts talking to me?

I just feel like an inconvenience to him and don't want to feel that way.  If he's just sort of putting up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me then I wish he'd just tell me. But I could be totally wrong. I just don't know, and that's what I hate about the relationship game is the uncertainty of it and how it makes your stomach feel. It makes me feel like I'm humiliated a lot because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Right now I've just really tried to be myself around Jason but trying to keep my distance at the same time. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he cuts things off and I hate that feeling.

For this reason I've been feeling a little sad since I got home because he's not really making any effort to talk to me at all. I texted him first today and he keeps giving me two word responses so of course I'm like, HERE we go. The signs are there. I just really hope I'm wrong.

I just really don't want to get hurt again. There's something about me that scares guys away. I like to believe it's Tyler's theory that: "Emily, you're the type of girl that a guy would want to marry. Guys just want to hook up, they don't want to settle down yet." Well if that's truly the case than I really wish I were a lesbian.

Because the feeling of longing for actual love is the biggest inconvenience for those of us that can't find any satisfaction in it. It's like a really good drug that everyone else is using that I want to get my hands on but can't because my dating pool is so small.

And I'm not saying that guys don't hit on me because I do get attention, a LOT.. the kind of attention that most girls would be envious of. I get picked up on pretty much everywhere I go. It's crazy that I have so much trouble finding any actual stability in that aspect of my life because of how I get praised so frequently by admirers. I'm just really not attracted physically to most men. I can't be with a guy that's shorter than me or like... 5'6 or something, it just turns me off so bad I can't do it. As I've said before that eliminates a LOT of guys at Central.

I guess the bottom line is this. I will find someone, eventually. God, my ancestors, whatever outside forces have helped shape my destiny to this point have not failed me yet and maybe all this waiting will lead to something absolutely magical. Am I saying things with Jason could never be magical? No, not necessarily. My body-mind instincts are not giving me a bad response with him like they did with say, Guy or Indy or many other guys that I've spent time with and my body literally rejected it by not letting me sleep or eat really when I was around them. It's not that way with Jason at all, I would actually love to sleep next to him one of these nights but I haven't gotten a chance too.



I just really, really don't want to end up like my parents where I don't really connect with the person I'm married too. I want to be able to joke around, have fun, have a really good understanding of one another and be able to communicate well. I want him to be openminded to my unusual interests and accept and love me for who I am. I want him to be attractive to me, obviously. That's certainly not everything and a great personality can make a guy way more physically attractive-- but yeah, someday I want to have kids and I want them to be good looking because it's a HUGE advantage in life (and anyone that says that's not true can't deny that it at least makes things easier for people).

So obviously my mood tonight is lonely, as well as sort of panicky. I've been having these weird panic attacks where I'll start shaking and my stomach gets really tight. I'm sure this can't be great for my body. It all has to do with the dramatic change of scenery in my life, as well as this new love interest, plus my classes... it's no wonder I'm feeling this way.

My day itself though wasn't bad. I'm actually in Benton City right now because my mom wanted to take me school clothes shopping for my birthday. These plans didn't happen until 4 or so because I took a really long nap after getting no sleep last night. I went to Shawn's 21st birthday yesterday, i'd go into the details about that but I'm sitting here with my mom and would rather talk to her than write. Maybe I'll tell you guys about it in tomorrow's entry.

peace.

oh, here's a blog worth mentioning that i'm just saving for myself to read later. Can't bookmark here.

http://www.thedeadkidsofmyspace.com/

I feel so tall around here.

It's a weird assortment of people here at Central.

For some reason I was half expecting there to be hot guys everywhere... or at least more so than in the Tri cities, but really, there does not seem to be. There really isn't anyone here that I've been attracted to aside from Jason. To be honest I've been more keeping my eyes on girls to make friends that I can go out with on the weekends. That will all come in time. I did meet this one really sweet girl today named Dannah. She comes from Bellingham and she's in my business law class. Maybe we'll stick this out together! Both of us take this really seriously and have similar goals. She's really blonde and pretty.

But yeah.... guys here, I'm sorry to say, lots and lots of short, skinny guys... I don't really know what it is around here, I actually feel tall lately because I'm towering over a lot of guys that I see. Jason's 6'4 so he makes me feel petite. I like our body height differences. I think he's really attractive in a lot of ways and I realize this a lot more now that we're spending time together here. Sometimes his responses are a little cold and indirect, like he'll ask me how my day went... I'll tell him a brief overview and he won't respond about THAT at all, he'll only respond about himself. It'd be nice if he'd recognize what I have to say a little bit. You know, maybe instead of bitching about it I should just be mature and tell him about it. That way he'll know it's bothering me.

There are some cute guys in my accounting class.

Oh that reminds me. HELL-o! Classes started today! I'm happy to say that I like all of my professors, all of which are men this quarter so that's always a plus. My accounting professor liked me immediately, he seemed pretty cool and I like that all of the assignments will be pencil-paper. Managerial accounting is already looking like a fun class, I met another girl in there named Natasha who seemed pretty cool as well. See, first day, BAM! Two new acquaintances! I am definitely making an effort to meet people.

But making an effort to go out? Meh. I went to my classes, came back and did my homework. I wasn't able to get into the math program so I think I'm just gonna jam for the next hour or so and go to bed. I'll probably do a lot more studying tomorrow but I only have ONE class... That's the thing about this quarter, if I am able to manage my time right on my days off there's no excuse for me not to do exceptionally well in all of these classes.

peace.

What the Hell are the chances of that.

Today's been a good day.

I got up this morning knowing I had to get my books so I rushed over to the bookstore after getting ready. I dealt with a complete lameass at the checkstand that I felt like I had to walk through the transaction.  I just wanted to buy my accounting book and my business law book, and then go to the second line that had a huge lineup to do the rental on the math one. It ended up being a big holdup so I decided just to use the credit line to buy the books. Right now the money that overdrew my account today is now going onto the credit line that my Dad will pay off later.

They were around $350. Expensive, so I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm going to wait for that transaction to process for the next 10 hours or so before I put the money from my savings into my checking. I'm now at $1400. That means moving here in total cost me about $200, between the things that I've needed to buy and the groceries, etc etc... That's so creep, imagine how much it would cost up in Bellingham, atrociously expensive! I'm so happy to be here.

I woke up Jason after I bought my books. He partied last night and texted me drunk asking me to come this morning. Though I knew he'd forget, I showed up anyway. Last night while Jason was out with his friends I decided to go to Shavonne's house and visit/have dinner. Russell printed me out a map that proved to be very handy all day... especially when I was trying to find Jason's building. 

Jason and I were originally going to go rock climbing together and I was pretty stoked to go but I still had my biggest task of the day in the back of my mind. I had to go out and find these bulletin boards to I guess officially "open" my business. I really hope I'm able to fill up my 9 spots relatively quickly. I'll schedule a couple more (assuming some are going to drop) and go out and pull the signs. Next time I lose some students, I'll repeat the process so that I maintain a controlled number. I'm hoping I get a different mix of ages and music styles.

peace. 

OH!!!! Now that I'm back from working out I remember the weirdest thing that happened to me today! I saw Jack, hahaha. It was so funny, Jason and I were walking back to my place when a... lacrosse, I don't know, lacrosse or cricket-- ball rolled out in front of me. I just happen to feel like being polite and picked it up and tossed it back to the person that flicked it into the street.

There's Jack, standing in the courtyard of the math building. He's like, "Oh hey Emily!" I couldn't believe it. I acted very friendly toward him. He told me he was going to his lacrosse match soon. I told him good luck. I told Jason, "First love." even if yesterday I'd told him I never had been. I guess love is truly what makes a person crazy, and since Jack made me crazy and confused for three years, I figured it was the best representation for that situation. 

Jason was like, "Oh, you don't like him?" and I'm like, "YES. I HATE him. I mean, no, I don't hate him. He just makes me very frustrated." Jason and I left it at. I did, however, call my Mom when I was back cooking lunch (I made shredded chicken burritos, which were delicious by the way) to tell her about my 'what are the chances of that' experience.

I had only thought about Jack once since I got here, I didn't anticipate seeing him this early on however. I'm glad I instinctively was very friendly toward him.

Leaving dinner feeling like you ate an appetizer.

Today's been a pretty productive day, studied accounting for over an hour and reviewed the second chapter. I figure if I do this almost every day between now and when I leave I'll have covered the whole book and I'll actually be ahead for when I start 252. My Dad says I need to relax because it's summer but by the looks of my walls I've been relaxing all summer.

Still haven't checked my balance and don't want too, I know I've probably already gone over my spending limit. I'm due to pay Katelynn again August 9th, I'm going to pay her another $50.

Darn it, gonna bite my tounge and check it.

OMFG I overdrew my account!!

Wow. Turns out Rite Aid didn't pay be and I overdrew my account by $45. I just flipped out and my Mom came in and we called Rite aid to see what's up. Linda's going to look on the computer and see if she can figure out of if there was a screw up in the system. Hell yeah there was a screwup, nothing happened in my account on payday or any of the following days. Once I get that money into my account I'm going to but the $80 BACK into my savings and just live off the roughly $200 until my next payday on the 16th. Hopefully I can save a good $100.

I swear if I get a good guitar lesson gig I'll be able to make more money than the $291 I'm getting from Rite Aid every 2 weeks. I figure I'll charge $20 for each half hour lesson. I haven't decided if that's too expensive or not but I'm certainly going to put more effort into my lessons than Neilson did when HE was charging $20 a lesson as well. He's pretty much disappeared off that face of the earth.

Today I learned all the locations of the note F. This is a pretty big accomplishment even if it's one of about 18. This is the first whack I've taken at learning the notes on the guitar but I intend to get a good grasp on them before I leave the tri cities. Jacob will be helpful I'm sure, even if his regime on learning these notes is a little crazy. The way I look at it, the best way for me to do this is to learn one note a day on each day that I learn a new one, I will review the previous day's note. So tomorrow I'll do G#... the next day G, review G# and F, etc. 

Dave Murray, lead guitar of Iron Maiden. I've learned a couple iron maiden songs.

I want to learn Children of the Damned, it has a beautiful opening verse but would be very challenging for me. 

I watched a documentary about Iron Maiden last night. For rockstars they really did have the best road in their career because of their true originality for their time. They were one of the originators of this heavy metal feel that stands for something. Stands for a lifestyle. We're not satanists by any means, but those of us that listen to this music have some sort of inner struggle that is alleviated by this music. The band had no religious connection to their music. "Eddie," their character that is being possessed by the Devil, is their main focal point in their music, sort of his stories I suppose.. But again, it's not meant to turn kids into satanists, it's all just for fun. Their music showcases the guitar like few other bands I've listened to so I absolutely love Iron Maiden. 

No word from Jason today. More than likely he wants me to text him first but I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. Not because I'm not interested, but because I have really nothing to say. Nothing I've been up to today has been interesting for anyone to hear about, so why am I writing?

I guess just boredom. Giving myself a break from my instrument, waiting for my boss to call me back, wondering what I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably the same thing. Study and play guitar, why the Hell not, it's too hot to drive or go anywhere. Maybe I'll hang out with Katelynn, it is Tuesday after all. I feel bad, she's always having to drive out here... I'll have to be the one that drives tomorrow. Maybe we could meet up with Chris Simmons or something. I do want to hear about his time over in Japan, but he's been trying to arrange the Japanese club kids to get together and I just saw them three days ago.

I don't know, maybe we haven't been apart long enough, but I really had nothing to say... Well I did, but nobody seemed interested in hearing what I'd been doing. I asked each one of them what they'd been up too this summer and none of them returned the favor. Nathaniel did ask me about Central though, by then I felt a little anxious to say anything. I couldn't think of anything else to say so I just sat at my seat at Mizu, wondering what I should pick up off the conveyor belt and adding prices in my head. 

I got a half salmon roll, two $1.50 maki plates and a little salad made from cucumbers and an overpowering tasting marinade. I also bought a dessert ice cram dango thing. All together it was around $11. I left feeling very unsatisfied, however, and was happy to dig into snacks that my parents had brought home from grocery shopping that evening. 

Maybe it's more of an appetizer place than a dinner place. Taylor was suggesting that we all go to Sheri's after the meal at Mizu. Ah ha! He admits he wasn't that satisfied as well and didn't want to spend $30 on the meal, what a shocker. I can't say I'll be going to Mizu again, I thought it was a big rip off. I was complaining to Jason via text which he didn't seem to care much about (my ranting about prices, how fun to listen too!) and I then got him to respond by sending him a picture of ice cream dango. :o)

There we go. おいしいそうです。

And it was. 

I loved the design, it was very flattering for the eye, as most things from Japan are, but I didn't know what to expect from the taste. Alas! It was chewy and delicious, filled with vanilla ice cream. Taylor said I was acting weird and anti social. I guess I just felt a little awkward. I did see Stephanie S. and asked how Zeus is doing. 

I don't know how she feels about me, she could really dislike me for all I know and be putting on a front because I was always sort of a flaky friend toward her. She sort of was to be too though, and I think she got a little frustrated with how strange I was about guys and how I had zero game, so we drifted away from eachother. She appears to be doing well though, she looked pretty and we had a friendly chat. Can't worry about what people think of me anyway.

I'm going to get offline, gonna play with guitar pro for awhile. I'd really just like to learn something easy and out of the ordinary but I can't think of anything. Guess I'll just get Fear of the Dark solid enough to upload a video playing tomorrow. Jacob wants me to talk about how long I've been playing into greater depth as well as gave me permission and *encouraged* to mention him as well. Gladly, I really wouldn't have been able to do this without him and give him full credit for what I've learned so far. I've followed what he's told me to do.  Any way I can help him and his business out! I'd be so sad if he lost his place because of flaky students or something. He seems to be booked almost completely but he's also sort of intimidating and I could see how students would quit if they didn't practice.

No word from Eli today but I did get my math class finalized. I'm in Montgomery's 8:00 class. Maybe I won't study much math, accounting is my main focus right now and I'm just going to have to have a fresh start in precalc. I think I'll be okay, I click so well with Asians I could find a tutor in no time, haha! 

peace.