What do I need to do NOW to get where I need to be.

Things have gotten a lot better academically since I cut back my dose of prozac. I definitely feel more "with it" than I did before and able to comprehend the material more easily. At this point in time however I do feel like time is against me and that I'm going to have to really fight this quarter to pass one of my classes. 

Managerial has gone from bad to worse. I studied for the quiz for 4 1/2 hours on Wednesday and really thought I had the material down but the way the multiple choice questions were worded you almost had to have mastered it to know the correct answer. 

Like here's an example...

Going into the test I knew that oligopolies are markets that are dominated by a small number of sellers selling slightly differentiated products. Pricing decisions that one firm makes effects price that other firms in the industry makes (an oligopolist company lowering prices would cause demand for the other firms to drop, therefore the other firms would be forced to drop their prices too...)

You think that would be enough to know about one concept... Here's the question I got on the test about Oligopolies (*might not be the exact wording but this is basically what it said)

Which of the following is true of oligopolies?

A. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell standardized products.

B. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell differentiated products.

C. The price decisions made by oligopolies tend to effect it's competitors.

D. (*...another answer that seemed true)

E. All of the above.

So of course I'm just sitting here like Wtf. A and B cancel eachother out... When I think of standardized products I think of oranges or something in a perfectly competitive market so I ruled out A.. But then I thought B and C were correct so I didn't want to just choose either. I should have chose B because I know for sure that one is right but I ended up choosing E because I was convinced that B, C and D were all correct... 

There were a lot of questions on the test like this. Two answers look right, and then sometimes you have the choice of "all of the above" or "b and d" or something like that. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping I passed and got over a 70%... Seriously passing is what I care about in this class. Ghosh and I just don't connect... I don't like the way he lectures-- he goes way too fast and makes me feel like I don't belong there.. He makes me feel like I picked the wrong major. Which is the worst feeling imaginable...

So I have to fight. I want to be an economist. I want to have managerial skills and understand marginal analysis! I want to speak this language and be able to use economics terms correctly and confidently when I have to do essay questions on his tests. I know that in order to do this I have to work like I never have before while not neglecting my Money and Banking and Finance classes-- neither of which are cakewalks by any means.

But for some reason I always feel more initiative to read Sipic's material first, even if technically I'm doing the best in his class of all three and should be putting that last on my list. I think once again it just shows that my motivation is based a lot on the authority figure that I'm trying to impress. And I WANT TO do well in Ghosh's class too... (Jake would have me reword that to "I will do good in Ghosh's class") But it's the hardest class I've ever taken. 

This weekend I've dedicated almost entirely to studying. My Mom should be coming up this evening and we're going to go shopping tomorrow for the career fair. I think she's also going to get me a winter coat to survive the nasty wind and cold coming up here in less than a month. 

YangHaiYing made this video that really inspired me yesterday. It's true, school and work is chaos! When you have someone telling you what to do you feel out of control. That's why when you're alone and it's quiet (when you naturally want to be lazy because you can) you have to "create chaos" to continue making progress. 

The most important thing is to never give up... Ghosh has honestly been the first one that's made me question if I really belong here. I called my Mom yesterday and she said "Well maybe you don't need to do two majors, just do one..." I was like "Wtf? No!" That's basically like saying "Too hard, well fuck it I'll just half ass this." 

I will get that double major. I have this image in my head of how proud I will be to have both of those degrees and how ready and confident I will be to enter the real workforce at that point. In order to get there I MUST understand the logical theories that accompany MARGINAL ANALYSIS. I need to eat, sleep, breath marginal analysis... lol. 

Brad came over the other evening which was really nice, I made him chicken linguine with vegetables and he really liked it even if it turned out kind of spicy for my taste. Lol I'm not used to cooking for two people. We watched South Park and the Office and talked for hours. He's definitely one of my best friends, I feel like I can talk to him about anything and he won't judge me. He's very complimentary of me so he helps boost my self esteem when I'm feeling depressed... Yup, even if Brad's in his 30's I can relate to him much better than most people my age. Hanging around Brad has also made me more interested in men in their late 20's early 30's because I realize the maturity difference there.

Ha ha of course you all know one guy in his 30's that I'm absolutely crazy about.... Sigh, he's so amazing, funny, handsome and intelligent... If I could ever find a man like that I'd be set and live happily ever after. 

peace. 

This is karma. It is not my turn.

I'm having a difficult night.

I guess you could say I felt lonely all day. I got done with two tests, both of which I'm sure I aced and was feeling pretty excited about that but I wasn't really thrilled about having the rest of the day with no plans of doing anything. I felt a sort of sad sense of longing. I hate that feeling.

I talked on the phone with Katelynn for two hours. She's having kind of a rough patch right now because she has not been able to find a job, doesn't have internet access, and is feeling like she needs to get out. I know the feeling. I feel like I need to get out more too, but usually I'm too tired from all the study I do.. that and I don't know where to go or who to go with half the time. I just sort of go where I feel there's a purpose to be accomplished... I go out when I need something.

Tonight I felt like I needed something that I can't have.

I texted Jack, who had texted me around the 1st saying he wanted to start spending time together. Having been with Brendan at the time I said no, but after that didn't work out... yeah. I had tried texting him the other day and his responses were extremely slow. Figured I'd try one more time today, I just said "Hey, what's up?" and he didn't reply. Two hours later, I'm like, okay, seriously what the Hell, you initiated my attention a little over a week ago, now you're blowing me off. He tells me he's now seeing someone else.

This is karma. Right here. This is fate. Right now I am feeling loneliness and pain. Perhaps I caused Brendan the same feelings when I broke things off to deal with my feelings for Jack and now this.

God is fair. Everything happens for a reason. Me and Jack aren't meant to be together, but for some reason my feelings for him have withstood for years, and years.. because I've yet to find anyone that I'm more attracted too. And it doesn't help that every few months he texts me out of the blue like we're going to start spending time together and it goes nowhere. Or this happens, he finds another girl he's interested in directly after talking to me. This has been going on for years. I'm so tired of it, it hasn't been my choice to feel this way but it's something I've had to deal with because of it.

The fact that he's with someone else will make it a lot easier to put thoughts of him away for good, now. I hope he's happy. Really, I've just got to move on. It's just hard. Yang Haiying said in one of my favorite videos about love and confidence that if it doesn't work out to move on, because that is karma, and to accept it.

For this reason I've accepted everything that's happened to this point in my life as being perfect in getting me where I am today. God has someone wonderful in store for me, I just have to accept that it is not my turn. Maybe I have more work to do to deserve that person. Jack is not that person. I cannot change how he feels. There is nothing I can do but pray for peace in my life, do the best I can to be a good person, and feel content with each day as it is.

peace.