nailed a few plywood boards over a burnt bridge

Evening everyone.

Today I've felt really intense because I've had a lot on my mind. Jake could actually read this on me at my lesson today. There was a lot that I would have talked about with him that had happened yesterday if I could but it was completely irrelevant and he doesn't need to know about my personal life. I'll talk about what happened on here for those few odd souls that read this blog (which, as I've always said, I appreciate because I know I ramble and don't edit these blogs grammatically as well as I should).

But yeah, my lesson today I had practiced about an hour beforehand but didn't play as well as I felt I should have. This was frustrating. But I don't know if my bad playing was what made me so mad. I kept on saying "shit" throughout the lesson and felt just... idk, not centered. This week my goal is to work on counting out loud. Something I've kind of dreaded because it's hard to do while you play if you don't know all the notes perfectly. Invention's note combinations are frustrating but Jake is continuing to show me tricks on how to get it down.

I've been doing a lot of practicing without counting or even using a metronome of any sort so even if I've learned the notes it doesn't sound nearly like it should and that is very frustrating. This week I need to work on it with guitar pro as well as better learn the notes on the second page.

Here's another incredible song by Puscifer that I've been listening too. What I've always loved about Tool's lead singer Maynard James Keenan is that his voice is so comprehensible that you have no problem understanding what he's saying but the challenge is figuring out what any of it means. 

Ha ha, I was going to post a picture of Keenan and I went to google image search and started typing "John Maynard Kaynes"... lmfao. Anyway I plan on learning a lot of Tool music after the recital. There is a lot of good guitar that needs to be learned how to play there.... 

Yesterday Katelynn and I went to the Parkade and met up with some of Ashleigh's friends like I have the last few wednesdays. Katelynn and I sort of found ourselves isolated in our own conversations. We don't mean to do that but it happens. Before we got there I had already had a few drinks so I had a decent buzz and didn't have to spend much money which was nice.

Katelynn and I walked down to Jack Didleys. There I saw Jessica S., Sarah V. and Celeste P. Jessica had actually noticed me before I had time to think about the situation. She gave me a hug and was like "Omg Emily you look so good!!  I love your hair, where have you been I haven't seen you in forever..." like that sort of thing. I was really shocked. She's one of these people that is pretty nice to everyone regardless of circumstances because she's never really had a reason to be jealous or have hard feelings toward anyone because things seem to have come relatively easy for her in her life. 

She was totally friendly and sweet and gorgeous like she's always been. The main reason why I carried so much anger toward her is that she used to easily get things in highschool that I thought I wanted: "cheer leading" team spot-- which would have been a complete nightmare for me if I had made it, playing time on the basketball team when I humiliatingly got none that year, and of course you know she was really popular within my own class and I never had that, she got some scholarships I didn't.... these things piled up over the years and by my senior year I pretty opennly didn't like her. We had Jone's class together and she would give some (usually somewhat "conservative") input and I'd usually be the first one to raise my hand and shoot down what she was saying. She'd come into class late and I'd roll her eyes at her. Stuff like that. It was funny I think she's somehow gotten my yearbook to sign and she wrote "Well I don't think you ever liked me that much but I hope you have a good summer!" or something like that. So obviously she knew that I didn't like her. So I brought it up to her last night.

I told her pretty straight out that I didn't like her because she was with Jack, which doesn't really explain why I'd hated her in highschool because she didn't actually date him until afterward. That's the only relevant thing to this date anyway. I told her we had a long history together though things never worked out. She was like, "Well he lives up at Central why don't you guys see eachother?" sigh.... ha ha ha. I'm like "We don't because he never seems to want to see me. Really the only time we ever saw eachother was when I wanted to show him up on guitar and that was it." Like I described that originally when I started playing I thought guitar would be the thing that would finally make him think I'm good enough to be with him and when that didn't work I finally just said fuck it, there's nothing I can do. 

Jessica told me that she and Jack got along great and they broke up because she went to school. At some point I'm sure he got ahold of me both before and after Jessica and him were together but again we never really executed any kind of plans and this was very painful each time. Jack finds girls relatively easily and he probably associated me with emotional baggage because I had told him time and time again that I f*cking hated him and wanted him out of my life. It was just a very horrifying situation for me and so much of me will always hate Jack for it. But he's dead to me now, he doesn't matter and for that reason I no longer have bad feelings for Jessica. She really is a nice person that didn't ever intentionally do anything to make me hate her. 

Alrighty well I'm gonna get going. My hands are kind of hurting so I think I'm going to relax with some sims tonight instead of practicing more. 

peace.

You can't save me, I am fading

So this is what I've just started today because I've literally just been practicing invention for the past week, it's been stupid overboard but the time of that recital is creeping up on me and that song is freaking hard to pick correctly.

Anyway I really like Slash's work in this. I'm not a big fan of the vocals but the lyrics aren't bad and neither is the vocal quality. It's just not my favorite style particularly.

Here's a bleeping picture of me today. Yay, you know what's totally awesome, closing on a saturday.... blegh. I am going to work hard today though. Whenever I get down about work I think about what Hank Hill says: "Find the job everyone hates, and then do it better!"

According to Hank Hill in order to do a good job you have to have a "Can-do" attitude and do what your boss tells you without asking a lot of questions. Babies don't work and need everything handed to them. Therefore if you are an adult you work. Ha ha all these things ring in my head when I start bitching about my job and it kind of humbles me because it's true. 

But yeah obviously I'd rather just be playing guitar and sitting around at home. Nothing really new to talk about but I'm going to try to make the best of today. It's definitely hot and there's a bunch of motorcycle drivers on the road which always makes me a little nervous. I always drive slow so if I get caught in the left lane and a motorcyclist gets behind me trying to go 75 and always feel like they're going to lose their momentum and fly off. Motorcycles are so f*ing dangerous.

Damn I've lost some of the tone in my core because I am not exercising as frequently and have been eating more than when I was living up in ellensburg. I'm not worried about it. My back has really hurt though. I should really make an effort to start practicing standing up to take the tension off my back. When I sit at my computer I get slouchy naturally and I do all I can to improve my posture. Back problems later would really suck.

peace.

There's always shit to do

I've had a pretty fun week, mainly because I've had a lot of people over lately. I honestly get so much satisfaction out of making people feel welcome around me. When I like someone or want to get to know them of course, or have invited them to spend with me. I love making food and drinks for people, smoking, and really talking/getting to know someone. I haven't hung out with Terry since Monday so I'm wondering if I'll see him this weekend. If not it's cool, like Jake said to me yesterday...

There's always shit to do.

It's true, so regardless of where I go or who I end up with everything's gonna be okay.

I guess I just really like Terry.  He didn't do very well on that test, he got a 72%.. So he goes to Carbaugh's office and asks WHY he missed the questions that he did. He's always getting clarification from Sipic on things we learn in statistics as well. It's natural that I would want someone who is also as driven as I am. I'm pretty sure I'd frustrate a super laid back guy because he wouldn't understand my I'm so focused on my routines. I wouldn't want someone that would take me away from that, either, and when I see how engrossed Terry is in his sports, fitness, academics and job I'm extremely impressed.


But does he actually like me? Maybe. He likes me enough to go out of his way to try to spend time with me at least once a week for the past four weeks or so, and we're gradually getting more friendly with eachother.

There's a really tall basketball player girl that sits next to me in Economics and next to Terry on the right in Stats. She bought him a coffee today, I wouldn't be surprised if she likes him too. There's also this annoying redheaded bimbo in my stats class that tries to get his attention. Blegh, I'm not saying I'm intentionally paying attention to other girls that are looking at him, it's just obvious that he's never had a problem with it. Which is why I have to continue to act very coy toward him and play the cat and mouse game.

I feel like I've been playing the cat and mouse game since I've started dating. In my life I only recall really having feelings toward two other guys-- Chad and Jack, both of which I was in sort of this back-and-forth, frustrating game with for a long period of time but never ended up in a relationship. It's like they liked me enough to let me stroke their ego but they didn't like me enough to take the step to actually be seen with me, which was extremely frustrating and painful at the time.

I cannot say things have gotten that much better for me with this new guy that I actually like, but there's a huge difference in the amount of self esteem I had then versus now. That and I don't care as much.

Anyway yeah,  I'm hoping to find a job here in Ellensburg so I can work and take classes over the summer. He's planning on taking international economics which was what I was planning to take too. I would much rather have the opportunity to take classes this summer and graduate at the end of next spring then go to school NEXT summer which is what I'm inevitably going to have to do based on my credit standings now.

If not so be it, I can understand why my Dad wants a break from student loans this summer...

Class registration is on the 6th. I'm going to turn in an application to Happy Market today, I'm hoping I can get a job soon if I start applying every day. I really want to start making some money and as I'm getting my academics more under control it seems more plausible. I'm getting used to the pace of college classes.

I ordered guitar pro through Amazon and it should be arriving home shortly. I'm considering taking a trip to Benton city for said purpose this weekend if it arrives, (it should be..). I told my Dad to keep an eye out for it and he said he'd call me when it comes in the mail. I'm probably going to double check with my Mom today. If so I could be driving back to the tri cities tomorrow if I feel up to it, who knows. 

Gotta study excel

peace.