Unless I write it down for real, PS

Evening.

It's 10:07 PM and I'm feeling sort of drowsy. Today was sort of boring and I'm happy school is starting the day after tomorrow. Still no word from the Subway manager so I should probably try to call him tomorrow. I'm thinking he might have reconsidered hiring me. Hopefully not, I could definitely use the money, but this quarter is going to be hard and will probably hit me like a ton of bricks by this time next week. 

I didn't do anything remotely academic over spring break. Michael warned me that I should be looking over R which I didn't get around too. I also need to email updated copies of my resume to another couple internships I was looking at for this summer. It's really important that I get that stuff squared away too.. Doing well in an internship will really help me find a job after school and then I won't have to potentially move back into my parent's house after I graduate. 

I also had the intention of briefing the first couple chapters of my finance book to get prepared for what's to come. I actually might have done this had I brought the book back with me to benton city, and the stress of not having it made me want to leave home since Tuesday night. Of course I didn't because my Dad told me how silly that was and that I just needed to relax.

Stress is my biggest struggle. It prevents me from getting a lot done, especially when I'm not diligent about writing down what I need to accomplish in any given day. That structure alleviates a lot of stress for me and when I'm back home I feel like that structure completely evaporates. Whenever I sit down and try to do something productive it doesn't take long to get distracted. Whether it's someone talking to me or talking in the background, some loud TV somewhere, cats meowing at the door trying to get in or out, feeling uncomfortable because I'm in some unusual spot... 

Working out helped my stress a lot last quarter.

Luckily these type of distractions in my apartment are non-existent but I have to learn to adapt to being productive in other environments so I am not so frequently confined here.  Last quarter instead of working out at home using those videos I started using the gym which has been great, I really missed the gym this last week. 

....I've also missed the flipping library! One thing I did do a ton of over spring break was draw and I've got some awesome ones that I'm excited as hell to upload on Monday. Ever since I stopped taking lessons and allowed myself to more diversify my skills my drawing technique has shot through the roof and I'm having a blast drawing anyone I feel like....

peace. 

Doing things slowly at home

Here's a picture of me from the recital last night.

You try making a cute face when you're focusing that hard, I look a little disgusted, ha ha. Oh well. For a first recital that was fantastic, I barely made any mistakes... The embarrassment I felt from showing up late and falling over the chairs and pissing off the usher for going and getting my guitar too early has passed. Damn so many mistakes I made last night, ha ha. But at least the playing was good!! That's what counts.

I'm getting a big bruise on my wrist....

Katharine's Dad came over and brought his 1985 Rolls Royce.

It looks like the picture above.

Really beautiful, classy car. The interior is genuine black leather with wool floors. He re-did some of the interior wood paneling on the back doors but it looks very near the original wood. He also replaced the speaker system. 

It only has 66,000 miles.

  

Later: 12:12 pm:

Yeah I really haven't done anything today. I've sat around the house watching TV, and I've  got an exam to study for economics tonight. When I get done writing this I am going to start loading up my things, get all packed up then probably put on a drug documentary and begin packing my things.

I mean aside from having to driven a lot the past few days I feel like my batteries have been recharged. It's been kind of nice in some ways to get away from my apartment. I was telling my Mom about the last time me and Kristin had talked (regarding the dishes) and she told me that was over a month ago. 

So yeah, I'll just be kicking it here for awhile, try to get some good study hours in as well as sort of slowly pack up my things in the car. That's how I like to spend my sundays for the most part...

I talked to Jack super briefly last night, like he was out at the bars with "the guys." I'm assuming people he played lacrosse with. Fun fun... I wasn't doing anything particularly interesting and he told me I should go to a bar. I'm like err.... yeah no. Where, the palm? Eeeeww I would never ever step foot into that place. And I definitely didn't feel like driving. . . 

And I don't have any friends in the tri cities that are over 21 really now that Katelynn is gone.Friends that I would want to drink with anyway. You'd be surprised how many of my musician buddies are completely straight edge.

Going to bars is so expensive, and I'm not a huge fan of drinking, so there you go-- I've honestly gone TWICE since I turned 21. 

I haven't talked to Terry all weekend. I'm guessing tomorrow he's going to be kind of a dick to me because that's always how he acts on mondays, then he'll be really friendly for a couple days then act like I don't exist again on Friday. Lol he works in a pattern when it comes to when he flirts with me and it's so predictable it's funny. Basically I think the next time we'll hang out is when we register for classes together. We want to be in the same classes so that we can study together. Period. I really don't think there's anything more than that in our "relationship." It's just a friendship and we're quite competitive and so is he...

In order to keep up with Terry I have to study twice as hard as what I used too, however, which is why I'm going to make sure to get some studying done today at home. The weather is beautiful maybe I will also meditate outside.

peace. 

Lol if college was a pokemon game Terry would be my Rival. 

Wow I have officially compared him to two cartoon characters... Well again thank God he has no real interest in my life and doesn't read my blogs, otherwise that'd be slightly awkward. 

Time management issues

Wow, this quarter is going to present all new challenges....

Today was my first day of classes and my schedule really took a toll on me physically and I'm wondering how I'm going to adjust and plan my time as efficiently as possible.

I'm taking three classes in this order:

Macro-Economics with Carbaugh, 9:00-9:50
Didn't study for this today yet, I plan to read the first review after I get offline here in a few minutes.

Today this was the hardest to pay attention because I'm very used to the format of Carbaugh's class now that I've taken him for microeconomics. I feel like it sort of gives me an edge in the class. Ha ha, in most cases over this last year I would rather not take the professor again.

Not saying I didn't enjoy listening to the professor's lectures at all or participating in the class at the time. There were just some classes that were harder than others and taking the next level up would be dreadful. Like my legal environment of business class. I liked the professor but it was so boring and two hours long.

But yeah Rob Carbaugh is an excellent professor. I try really hard to stay on top of the material outside of class because there's no excuse for not doing well on his tests. He gives students such an overabundance of tools to use to study for that I'd feel guilty not studying for the tests. He also puts a ton of work in his handouts. I printed the required 80 page packet of handouts at the BEGINNING of the quarter this time. Cost me $2 to print in the library (getting the hang of the ugly Mac system). They're double sided and out of order currently but they're all there.

Business Statistics with Sipic
Studied this for TWO SOLID HOURS....

Okay this professor inspired me today. He's AWESOME. My favorite kind of no bullshit professor. He's Croatian, so his accent sounds similar to Russian. It was hilarious today though, every time he impersonated an American coming to talk to him he would go out of his Croatian accent and do this funny sort of "Anglo-"American accent that sounded like the clear eyes guy.

He spent a lot of the class discussing that Statistics is exactly and the importance of data in the everyday world and why you should care about learning it. He said that when he's talked to major companies their supervisors usually say they're looking for employees that know statistics and how to analyze data.

There was sort of lightbulb that went off in my head when he was discussing it today and I finally realized why I'd been doing the problems that I was having such a difficult time conceptualizing in finite math. I really appreciate Dale Width for being such a laid back grader in that class because I realize now that everything that I did in that class was meant to lead up to this AH-HA moment! Yay!!

Public Speaking
This class was PACKED! There were 11 people on the wait list and I was so fortunate to be number 1 so I just got moved over to that class. Because I wasn't on the attendance list for some reason I was stressed out for most of that class. It was really crowded, I couldn't help but notice how many girls with fake tans there were in the room, I was so uncomfortable. Tomorrow I'm going to sit in the front.

I'm going to make it to my classes earlier tomorrow.. especially economics because I want to sit in the front again this quarter, the second row sucks.

I have two hour blocks in between my three classes so I'm thinking of applying for a job. That's all for today.

peace.

Adderall.

I need to make this quick because I have an hour and eighteen minutes to write this. My mom's computer is going to die, and because I'm timed I feel a little rushed.

Yesterday was incredible. Fantastic. Amazing. I really can't begin to describe how it felt to finally have a day like this, and I think it contributes to adderall. What happened was, when me and Corey were driving home from school, we started talking about ADHD and how he has it and how it's effected him. He told me that it makes it really hard for him to focus in school, which I can relate too.. Sometimes, when I'm studying my Japanese, I'll write the vocab words over and over and over and while doing so while space off and think of something else, then come back and realize that I hadn't absorbed the word that i'm writing. Anyway, this was just one of many examples that we were running off.

He told me that he takes an ADHD medicine called Adderall that has dramatically improved his life because it has helped his grades, helped him study, and his confidence. I explained to him that I take an anti-depressent called Paxil, and I am currently looking to find another anti-depressent because Paxil does not help me at all anymore. This last week when I was almost chronically depressed, I was still taking Paxil, and I got the feeling that it does not help me at all anymore. He told me that Adderall can work as an anti depressent as well. He offered me one, and I took it. I was convinced. ***note: He did not PUSH it on me, but after talking to me about it and explaining my distaste with Paxil, I thought I'd give it a trial shot. This was all me.***

At first, I felt nothing. We got back to my house and I made us some corn dogs from the freezer, which he apparently likes-- ick. Suddenly, about forty-five minutes after we got home, I felt an incredible wave of calm. All of my negative thoughts suddenly melted. I felt calm, content, NORMAL. We spent most of the rest of the time we spent together talking and watching south park, then we had to go pick up my broken down car out in Kennewick.

After Corey (who is a lifesaver for driving me not only to and from school but out to get my car) left, I laid down for a bit and read for awhile until Katharine came over. Me, my mom, and Katharine all sat around and talked and my mom said she noticed a significant improvement in my attitude. At first I said that this all had to do with the fact that I felt like the weight of finals had been off my shoulders, but then I admitted to them that I had taken Adderall. They said that though I was a lot sweeter, I didn't act out of the ordinary. Katharine said that her brother was taking adderall again for his ADHD and he has lost a sufficient amount of weight and his confidence is up.

Honestly, I don't know if I have or don't have ADHD, and if I started taking Adderall it would be for an anti-depressent and a way to get off of paxil. I've done some research and there are some obvious pros and cons to it:

Pros:
-Today they kicked my depression's ASS. I can't even describe how calmed down and happy I felt. I felt like a ton of weight was off my shoulders.

-It does help you focus. Corey said that it is used as a "study-drug" because people take it to help them study for tests. I get pretty good grades already, but it'd be nice to be able to retain information better without having to cram so hard with little success because of the amount of distractions.

-If it's as good as it seems, could dramatically improve my life overall.

Cons:

-It's 3 f'ing AM and I'm wide awake. I've been awake all day, and yet I can't sleep now. That's a little scary but I think if I got a tolerancy to the drug and took a lower dosage this wouldn't be a problem (the one I took was 25 mg, and I took it in the afternoon).

-Decreased appetite. This is sort of a good thing and a bad thing but I do not crave food at all, yet all I've had to eat all day is two small bowls of cereal. This is very unusual for me.

-Some people on a "Adderall Side Effects" page are saying that while using it, it led to dependence and continually increasing their doseage until they were having hallucinations and such. I think honestly anybody could do this with any drug. I mean, I could of gone to the doctor and asked for higher doses of Paxil when I got depressed.

That's all the information I've discovered on it so far. A lot of the stories on the Adderall reviews page are contradictory, and people keep asking questions if the drug can lead to random side effects like joint pain and hair loss. I don't know, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it. I'd really like to get off of Paxil, especially with Spring break here and all.

yours,

Emily