I think I should have probably known. I mean just based on the fact that he's done modeling, the fact he's into fashion, etc etc... That was interesting while it lasted. One of his best friends posted "OMG Gerardo's gay" as her status and I'm thinking to myself, ookay wait a second... I can't believe it hadn't really crossed my mind, he seemed pretty into me and I just thought his clothes had to do with culture difference.
He wrote "I think you are very gorgeous and everything about you is marvelous you can have any guy you desire... I hope I didn't upset you." He's a sweetheart.
This whole situation has been absolutely bizarre. Definitely something I'll remember, also something that's never happened to me before. It's always hard when you like someone for one reason or another you can't spend time with them. This was a relatively soft blow for me though, considering I didn't think anything could come from this anyway, even if he was straight. Like I don't speak Spanish fluently. Period.
God has a reason for everything. I will keep telling myself this over the next few days. I can't help feeling a little sick for some reason. Like I just want to go to bed because there's no point in tonight.
I felt accomplished completing my two tests in finite and economics earlier. I also went to my first counselling session and was asked a ton of questions about my current situation and why I'm seeking therapy. According to Kristin Bell, aka Ichbinkeinberliner, it's a good idea to treat moderate depression with a combination of therapy and medication so that's what I'm doing.
This is a video she posted. I sometimes watch her videos to get hope about depression.
She's right that taking medication is like night and day, but certain things are hard to swallow regardless. I'm going to a few group therapy sessions in the next couple weeks before I start having individual therapy again. As a student at CWU it's free, and even if there's a waiting list I'm going to take advantage of what I can. She's also encouraging me to join clubs and I really want to join SHRM but they've got their meetings at 6' in Shaw... My guitar lessons usually go until 6:15 and Shaw is completely on the other side of campus, I'd always inevitably be late but on the 31st I really want to go.
I should maybe talk to Jake about how serious it is that I do join a club and hopefully get my guitar lesson time changed. I so often feel alone here and I want to meet people so bad. I discussed with my councilor how difficult this has been for me, especially before I got on meds. My ability to deal with this isolation has gotten much better but I still can't help feeling lost here.
Today was a little better because of the following video
MyOwnStickFigure has been one of my favorite inspirational youtubers for awhile now. Though he's not necessarily trying to be an inspiration for anyone he makes these videos where he speaks out living with anorexia as well as tons of helpful advice that he's learned from years of therapy. These videos can be very helpful for me because I do deal with my own food anxiety.
He's stopped making videos. Many people assume he passed away but did not close the channel to continue to help those in need. I originally thought this might be true as well until I looked at his channel activity and saw that he'd editted a playlist only three months ago (his most recent video was six months ago). I think he's still alive, but he's really found his faith and has many videos with his favorite.... I believe it's called "proverbs?" so I think today he's been dedicating all of his power to getting healthy and his spirituality. I hope so... Johnny's a really good person. He's been through so much with anorexia and he's finally found strength through his faith. I feel the same way about my anxiety and I hope I can get the same results.
So yes, with the anxiety today was better than yesterday. Yesterday was pretty bad because I didn't take Lorazapam all day and really felt nervous and anxious. I ended up taking a whole pill instead of just a half in the evening when I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore and felt calm for the first time all day. I'm beginning to realize that when I run out of my perscription of Lorazapam there is a possibility that I will need to return to my doctor to seek other anti-anxiety medication options.
Today I took two halves of Lorazapam. That and studying more about God has made today both relaxed and slightly emotional. Like I said before, whenever I read or talk about Christianity it has a way of making me cry because it's something that I know I need to find in my life again but I've been scared to face it and have pushed it under the rug time and time again until I felt I was ready.
Well, I feel now would be a better time than ever. People often turn to religion when they're going through hardship in their life and though many people who see my life from the exterior might think my life seems nearly perfect do not understand what I go through internally. This anxiety during this very transitional period of my life has made if difficult to live and makes it harder and harder to enjoy... anything! I've gotten so much great advice and support from friends and relatives yet I seem to slip back into these feelings of fear, tension and anxiety. I think it's time for me to finally ask God for help.
Another big inspiration for me is IchBinKeinberliner, or Kristin. She has schizophrenia and makes many videos about mental illness, including depression and anxiety. I discovered this evening that she has a website:
I'm going to start reading these pages this evening. Though the mental illness that I've had to deal with throughout my life isn't I guess as... radical as what she's been through, I can still relate to many of her videos and get good advice from them. YouTube has been so helpful for me to better understand such a wide variety of incredible people and in exchange better understand myself.
That's really all I had to say today. Quite honestly I spent my entire day in my room. I got up at about 8' this morning, took a shower, lightly blowdried then hoped on the Sims. I've actually gotten quite a bit of enjoyment out of the Sims 3 expansion where you can make your sim a celebrity. Later when I get my computer back onto the internet I'll post a few screenshots of my character's rise to stardom, haha.
I played guitar for a little less than three hours today. Brendan and I didn't text that much but I'm really excited to see him tomorrow. Tomorrow is New Years eve after all! Which means I will begin packing tomorrow morning, excellent. I've had a pretty good Christmas break overall, and it's going to feel nice to get back into the old grind.
But it's actually not the OLD grind! With this New Year I have many resolutions to help improve my quality of life from where it is now. I will tell you guys those tomorrow.
peace.
Today was a good day, got a lot of work done.. Definitely more than what I would anticipate on a Monday but that's what I have to do in order to validate skipping my legal class.
Wow, suddenly I feel panicked in writing this. I hope I do not associate blogging with panic, now, the purpose of this blog is to get me AWAY from panic. But maybe the feeling of being very inside my own head is what's scaring me. I'll turn on some happy music.
Anyway let's see, what I got done:
-Called the post office. Then ran down there.... 9:30 am. They jacked my mail so I called them and they told me they had my mail on hold. So I drove down there, and... somehow there was no mail there for me. I'm like, okay then why did you call me down here?
Okay, I shouldn't say "jacked my mail." In all honesty, I hadn't checked my damn mail box in two weeks, but don't tell my Mom that. Especially when I am expecting a somewhat important piece of mail. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure to check it. I need to start checking it at least once a week or I could miss out on some important things... My roommate never checks the mail so it's my responsibility. All of the mail that's come has been for me anyway.
-Finished accounting assignment. Sort of. . . I was feeling facebook-y after my math class, ate a bunch of food, and it wasn't until about 11:00 that I actually started on what I needed to get done. One of the problems was ridiculously long, but luckily Holtfreter didn't notice at all.
I'm happy to say I got full homework credit in that class, perfect attendance too. The same can't be said about my legal class, but unless he changes it tonight I've got 100% participation.
-Studied accounting flashcards for a solid 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go into the process of trying to better understand Chapter 12, do a few of those assignments, then probably re-do some assignments in Chapter 15 as well. That's going to take 2-3 hours but I'm going to divide it out throughout the day like today so that it's less overwhelming.
-STARTING to make a little progress on my math... I am still having a hard time getting my calculator to do what I want it to do, and apparently I have to get it set up properly for this thing called "vars" that makes no sense to me. I'm just trying to master these kind of problems right now.
I will probably need to seek outside help on Thursday. This will probably be the first and only time I'll go to the math tutoring center. I keep on talking about going there but usually by that point I understand the material to the point that I don't need it. I always hate this part of the math quarter where there's two back to back tests, it's a pain. At least I don't have to do that in accounting.
-Practiced for 70 minutes. I've gotten a lot better on Wherever I May Roam, but I'm probably not working on pentatonics as much as I should. I'm really not in the mood to do it tonight but tomorrow I'm planning on doing a solid 40 minutes of just pentatonics and working with the backing tracks.
So it's almost 10 and I've just been chilling now, drinking my tea. I only took one lorazapam today and one half Bronkaid instead of the two that I had to take the past couple days to deal with the anxiety. I talked to Seth F. today and he told me that he used to have hour long panic attacks and told me he could offer some suggestions with dealing with them. I hope that when we hang out when I come back into town for Christmas break we can talk about that so I can gain even more methods in dealing with it.
I'd like to say it's almost completely under control now. I described to Katelynn and my Mom that my mind is too fickle to stay focused on something as natural as breathing. I'll be breathing until the day I die, so why focus on it? But it seems labored breathing is the first symptom to feeling the panic attacks come on, and when I let them get out of hand my limbs tingle, my heart beats faster and faster and I believe there's something sincerely wrong. Almost like there is a lump in my throat and it becomes to easy to believe that it could get out of hand...
This is Kristin, she has schizophrenia which she she openly discusses on her channel, including some of the common misconceptions people have about schizophrenic people. This video in particular is about school anxiety, and I used to really like to listen to it because her voice is pleasant but now I feel I can actually relate to it. Panic is by far one of the worst things I've experienced (well, maybe not as bad as the years of depression I faced but it's pretty tough) but I'm lucky there's a vast amount of people that have gone through it as well that are willing to share their thoughts on it.
I can happily say I did not have any panic attacks today, though I did notice feeling the breathing sensation during my accounting class and wanting to get out of there quickly. Once the Lorazapam kicked in I was able to overcome this anxiousness and feel peaceful as I quickly jotted down all the answers to today's homework. That's what it's there for.
I'm pretty sure one of my first highschool crushes is now addicted to meth. Out of curiosity I looked up his profile on facebook and he looks quite... famished. I can't explain it, meth heads evolve into zombies over time, it's quite sad.
It's about time for me to go to bed now. Goodnight everyone, I'm hoping by this time on Wednesday I'll be writing to you about how I did well on the accounting final and have nothing to worry about but I've still got some major studying to do before I'm ready for 10:00.
