Friday, July 1, 2011

I just got back from taking some pictures with Leah and Michael, and found that I am horribly unphotogenic when people are taking pictures of me because I feel very awkward. I really don't like when I'm not in control of it and can't see if the picture is horrible or not, and honestly I think most of the pictures taken of me are horrible. I only like pictures where the picture is flipped horizontally for some reason. I wonder why it makes a difference.

My very messy room is making me anxious. I feel like I just want to get rid of everything. Shove it in a box, put it away. I can't name half the shit in here, which is partially my fault as well as my family's fault. My dad always brings home crap from Value Village and stuff thinking that I'll like it, and even if I don't will just drop it off in here and I'll be like, well fuck what am I going to do with this? Then it's my fault too because I'll get these hobbies and buy stuff for it and then when I discover that the hobby doesn't interest me that much I'll stop doing it and then it'll just... sit there. My mom always recommends I put stuff in boxes to organize, but it never sustains organization and the boxes just end up half empty and the garbage just floods everywhere.

So I'm going to try and get rid of a ton of stuff today. Put a bunch of stuff into a good will box. Because honestly, I don't need most of this stuff. I never use most of it. Really I just think it makes me anxious and a bit annoyed even being in my room because of how... filthy it is. I get sort of embarrised having people in here as well.

I'm mad, I spaced calling the doctor's office again... I really need too make an appointment to hopefully get some new medication. Wellbutrin isn't helping anything. I feel unhappy all the time. Seriously I can't enjoy anything. I'm either content or miserable.

So I'm going to list out the things that typically make me happy.
Things that Make Me Happy/Content:
  • Getting good grades. This is really important to me because I feel like if I get bad grades I am damanging my own progress. I don't expect to get fantastic grades on everything, but there is no excuse for me getting F's or D's on anything, it just shows laziness.
  • HAVING MONEY. I have very bad anxieties about not having money because of how I was raised. It is a huge source of happiness for me, as well as a major source of stress.
  • Being with Katelynn. She makes me very happy and seems to understand me more than most people do. I feel like she never judges me for anything.
  • Running. The adrenalin rush makes me feel good, as well as the effects it has on my body.
  • Feeling accepted. I usually feel this way when I'm with people that I feel aren't judging me for my interests.
  • Not having anxiety. This has been a rarity with this new medication.
  • Losing weight. I actually LIKE how my abs look lately.
  • Exercise in general. Sports, pilates, etc...
  • Cooking dinner for my friends and eating with them. This is usually just a Samantha and me thing.
  • Playing the guitar. If I spend enough time doing it, I begin to really enjoy it.
  • Being with someone that cares about me. Not nessasarily being in a relationship with someone, because that's never worked out before. I guess if I know that if a guy likes me and I spend time with him, it makes me happy. But this is last on my list for a reason. It should never dictate anyone's happiness.
  • Death metal. It makes me feel like my stream of emotions are normal.
  • Feeling normal. Having ever felt this way except for when I was on Adderol but hopefully I will experience it again.
Life lately has been really hard to live at all. I really wish I would stop feeling this way because honestly I have no clue what the root of it is. I am very convinced it is just the medication. My mom says I haven't been acting like "myself" at all lately. But what exactly is "myself", anyway? I sincerely don't know. Is this miserable person "myself?" Was I happier acting on Paxil? Was I more content on Paxil? I can't imagine so.... I am going to start researching other anti depressent drugs and hopefully find something to help with my anxiety problems and mood swings.


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