Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

Last night at home. Guitarist luke jaeger

Evening everyone.

Well this is my last night at home for my spring break. Today was a pretty great day and I have no complaints about being here. I plan to be here until tomorrow evening after I hang out with a friend of mine. We were originally going to hang out this evening but he had some work to do.

Today started out with a bath. For some reason the hot water heater hasn't been working very well in our  house and I've found I'd rather sit in a half full hot bath than take a 2 minute shower. My hair has felt kind of dry lately, I should probably get a trim when I get back to Ellensburg. That's definately on my to-do list for the next week. That and studying the basics of Statistics before that class via youtube videos. I feel like I've taken a long enough vacation to get some work done now.

Guitar went well. The student that was scheduled to go after me was MIA again so I was able to spend some extra time with Jacob. He showed me one of the guitarists that taught him named Luke Jaeger and showed me a bunch of his youtube videos. I remember Jacob telling me about Night Terror in Seattle and Luke is the main guitarist. He's one of Jacob's top three favorite guitarists that have inspired him to get to the level that he is-- Luke Jaeger, John Petrucci and... someone else. I can't remember the third.

Check out a video of this beast.

What's even more astounding is that he's had jaw dropping ability for nearly all his life. Jacob also showed me a couple videos from his performances in a 7th grade talent show. It's so hilarious when the  camera pans  around the room to see the kid's faces as chunky kid throws down this incredible work.

As you can see in this video he's not chunky anymore. Actually he's more ripped than you can see in this video. He does a couple videos shirtless. He's clearly very driven on self perfection. I sort of wonder if part of what inspired him to be like this is that he got picked on.... or not, or maybe he had all the confidence in the world from day one.

Anyway I wonder if I know Jacob long enough if I will ever come into contact with this person. He seems like an interesting character and he's incredibly talented, it'd be cool to see what his story was growing up.

Invention No. 8 in F major is going well. I really want to step up my practice to a couple hours a day when I move back to Ellensburg. Maybe I'll even go out on a limb and try to do three hours like when I first started. Playing three hours now is much harder than it seemed back then when this was all new to me. I'm a much better player now so you think this would be more enjoyable...

I can feel my hands pulsating when I close my fists. I'm going to bed.

peace.

Second panic attack, starting improvisation...

Today went well, I ended up getting done with everything I needed, even my math.

I did sort of crummy on my legal quiz, I only got a 63% which is the lowest score that I've gotten but the material right now is sooo painfully boring. We're studying contract laws. Honestly I could probably get away with skipping the next lecture because I've got the quiz done but I hope I can better understand this chapter and it'll help me on the final.

Guitar lessons went well today! Jacob gave me an MP3 of chords to play over with Pentatonics scales. He made me try it on the spot today, which was really hard to do because I'm always afraid I'm going to sound horrible. Luckily I'd studied the scales well enough this week that it didn't sound *too* bad, but I'm still looking forward to working on it this week. Jacob always seems to know exactly what I need to advance on the guitar. He also sent me a couple classical pieces to work on this week so that'll be fun. One of them is really easy-- Greensleeves, a song I actually learned for solo ensemble back in 7th grade. The second song is called "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desiring" or something like that. It's by Bach, and should be fun to play as well.

I had a really bad panic attack today. I felt it coming on, I was sitting down to study for my legal class and it came on extremely bad. I called Ashley and she talked me down from it so well.. She's such a good person to call for that, she knows all about the symptoms of panic attacks so she let me know that everything I was experiencing was normal.

This panic attack was particularly scary because I had really bad numbness and tingling in my hands. Ashley told me this was because all the blood was rushing to my brain because I wasn't getting enough oxygen. That being said, I should no longer smoke in high pressure situations... I had a lot of things I had to do today so I was pretty stressed about it and ended up smoking which probably was the ultimate cause of my panic attack.

I'm so excited to go home for many reasons.... First of all, to go to the doctor to discuss my panic attacks and get some Xanex to help get it under control. Secondly, I'm hoping to fill a prescription on Differin, my old acne medication that will help me better control my acne. It's still bad enough that I need prescription strength, it's just a shame it's so expensive. And third, getting my tattoo done with Katelynn!

It's going to be an excellent Thanksgiving weekend if I can get all this taken care of. I'm going to figure out what my finals schedule is so I can determine if I'll have Monday and Tuesday to study or not. If that is the case, I wouldn't mind just spending the whole weekend at home, study free aside from flashcards...

Alright well, I'm gonna work out and go to bed. Even with the panic attack it was a good Thursday. Tomorrow's laundry day.

peace. 

This is it!

Today was good. I had my last lesson with Jacob. Here's me drinking a Monster outside the building. Jacob has been doing a lot of decorating lately and it looks nice in there. He gave me a lot of new material to work on and practice as well as lots of discussion about my future business. I asked him how many of his students have wanted to learn metal music, and he said a total of 4 (counting me) for his entire guitar teaching career. About 50% of his students want to learn rock. That's a good sign.

I'm sad to let him go, though.. He really has made these last five months some of the best in my life in some odd sense. For the past five months I've become so much more confident and centered in the world, I feel ready to take on whatever challenges come to me.

Because this is IT. The time is here! I'm leaving TOMORROW. 

I wanted to get a picture of a screenshot where it says "I should get going too" when he leaves the house at the beginning of the game but I couldn't so here's the shorts kid. I'm so excited though! I feel like the pokemon kid though, I'm gonna start my big adventure tomorrow! 

I plan to leave around 9:00 AM because we're meeting at 11:30. That means I need to get up at 5:30 or 6, get ready, and begin packing the last of my stuff (the stuff that I use from a day to day basis like my computer, my makeup, etc etc...). I'm hoping this will all come together without too many problems.

peace.

How my instrument protects me from the world.

7 more days.

This is the last week of my life I will live in Benton city. 

Well, I suppose there's no absolute guarantee that I won't move back in with my parents but you guys know how stubborn I am and how much I DON'T want that to happen after my 20 years of living with my parents. I've never moved out, I've waited until it was the RIGHT time to do this and now that it is I can't imagine I'll ever turn back. 

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. 

Let's start with what's most important. I practiced 16 hours of guitar last week. That's not very good, that only averages out a couple hours a day versus my normal three. BUT it was a good week of practice because yesterday at lessons I was really able to keep up with Jacob on some of the technical stuff he has me doing. 

He recently gave me an entirely new warmup packet that contains all the exercises that HE does. That's a huge deal to me, I'm really proud of myself to have gotten to the level that I can practice the same warmups that he does. Well I can't *just* yet but I have the materials and patience to do so this week.

Before leaving Jacob tried giving me a stack of like 10 of his business cards telling me to "give them to my friends." I started laughing so hard, not because it wasn't a good idea but because there's no way I'll see 10 friends in the next week.

I really hope his business does well though. Guitar lessons is a great business. You don't have to hire anyone because you can teach the students yourself. Jacob did hire an accountant recently, though. I'll be doing my own bookkeeping, I'm excited to access the value of all of my small amount of equipment that I'll be using. I'll even use my rent expense as a contra-revenue account. 

The only big expense in teaching guitar is the printing expense. Ink is really expensive, about $40 a cartridge or more... And I'll be printing tabs and practice sheets for multiple students. I'll probably just have them print some of their own stuff but for the introductory lesson I'll have quite a few pages to give each student. 

Moving on...

Today I'm having lunch with my Grandma Fran. My Dad doesn't want me to make light of the situation if she asks how he's doing. My Dad's been really affected by this whole situation, he knew and worked on that farm for 42 years of his life (literally, I bet he probably started working out there when he was eight or nine) and he got kicked out with no warning or reasoning from his family. 

If peaches aren't picked quickly enough they fall on the ground. Because there's only 60 or so peaches in a 26 lb box, that's money falling every time. 

The farm is now almost completely destroyed. It's overgrown and unkempt, ripe peaches probably falling on the ground because there's not enough pickers getting them. 

I imagine myself as a person who gets things done. My Dad is someone who gets things done and my Dad's Dad was someone who got things done; Tyler however didn't get that hard work ethic. Up until a couple years ago he would spend the majority of the harvest in his room smoking pot all day, he would come out to boss people around occasionally and would drive around on the tractor. He was never the one that was interacting with the pickers, figuring out where we should drive to pick up boxes next, or even the one to get the ladders up at the end of the day. That was all my Dad, he orchestrated everything and did an incredible amount of work for next to nothing because it was something he believed in and he got bastardized. The farm was given to my uncle Ty, and continues to be his even if I doubt he wants it anymore.

Because of course my uncle Ty only works a few months out of the year. I remember being not only appalled but surprised that Ty wanted the farm so badly for that reason. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he fought so hard for it and now he's stuck with an immense amount of work that grows every day that it's not pruned, watered and tended. 

I'd never want to do it either but that's how my Dad would have wanted to spend the rest of his life if he could. He's probably going to want to retire in the next 10.. 15 years or so and once that happens he's not going to have anything except whatever projects he's got going on here at the house without the farm. It's really sad, and I'm afraid there's no turning back from the damage that has been done to my Dad psychologically. 

On the bright side, though, this last couple years has been the only time in my life that I've gotten to really know my Dad because he spent almost my entire childhood at the farm.

______________________________

The noodles pictured above are the same type of noodles that were in my pork noodle dish yesterday. So delicious. 

Yesterday I hung out with Katelynn and realized that we had never been to Saigon Market together. That was always something I did with Samantha and never got a chance to go with Katelynn for some reason. We went to Haong Saigon restaurant and as always it was really, really good. Those little old ladies make the best pho but I ordered a noodle dish instead so I could take it home more easily. Pho noodle broth probably has fish sauce and all sorts of things that would reek to high heaven if you spilt it in your car, but it really is delicious stuff so it was tempting to just order pho again. 

Note that "pho" really is pronounced "Pha." I pronounced it Pha when Stephanie's aunt asked me what I ordered and I told her that I'd considered getting it. Stephanie's aunt is really sweet, she owns Saigon market so I try to shop there whenever I'm in the area. Leyte and Saigon are tied for the best Asian stores that I like to shop at. I like Saigon's selection between but it's too far of a drive most of the time.

Thank God i'm getting paid tomorrow. I don't want to know what my balance is but after going out to eat with Katelynn, driving into town, etc etc... I'm probably down to my last $100 by now. This will be my last full paycheck with Rite Aid. 

That reminds me, my last Thursday shift is tomorrow so I should probably get some laundry done today and make sure my uniform is nice and clean. I can't wait to change my facebook to "Emily Wilson stopped working at Rite Aid," wheeee!!! 

I guess I'll mention as well that things've been sort of lonely for me. I've been thinking a little more about guys, sort of. Like yesterday I saw a pretty cute, long haired skater-looking guy staring at me at the DMV. At first glance I thought he might've been Josh F. because he was wearing a black hat like Josh always did and had the same skin/hair color but when he looked up I realized he was actually somewhat cuter than Josh is and I quickly looked away. 

This glance led to him staring at me, so I decided to look straight at him for about a second just to catch him in the act. Definitely, DEFINITELY cute, so again, I look down, almost giggling. I was really complimented that he was checking me out in the first place, but I have no reason to talk to guys right now so I didn't want to initiate conversation or anything.

I've never had a distinguished "Type" that I like, probably because I've never had a good enough relationship to say that I've REALLY liked anyone. I'm pretty afraid of men at this point. Going to Central I am very cautious of college guys that try hooking up with as many girls as possible. This makes me really afraid of getting manipulated into that, or being drugged and raped at parties. Guess this means I'll have to stay as far away from situations like this as possible. 

That's another thing that Jacob has sort of helped me with. He told me that a girl should NEVER pursue a guy, which is something I plan to live by now. I won't ever initiate talking to a guy because that's creepy, if a guy wants to talk to me he'll do it. 

I will NOT play into stupid "Yeah we'll go on dates.. but lets have sex first" bullshit lies that men try to tell girls to make us feel like something will come out of their empty sex. If a guy tries that I will immediately shut him down and make him feel very stupid for trying.

Actually I'm looking forward to seeing the first sap that tries. 

Because you see, because of my guitar my self esteem now is MUCH higher because I always have sense of purpose, something to fall back on. My center, my niche.  My guitar is something I will always have even if I don't have a man to talk to or hold my hand. It's helped to create an even thicker barrier between my sanity and happiness to the outside world that has raped my soul when it was unprotected. 

peace. 

I forgot that my guitar lesson is tomorrow.

I feel a little unprepared again, having my lesson on Tuesday has somehow made me feel like I'm missing a day each week even if it was also on Tuesday last week... I need to practice hard to night to review a bunch of things. I don't feel like I've really accomplished much this week because I was watching Netflix and doing technical stuff versus actually working on songs.



I spent a few solid hours on some songs like.. okay, RANDOM stuff this week but I'm working on 2 Minutes to Midnight, El Dorado, Walking with the Ghost, Pull Me Under (still can't get those f*cking chords, ugh!!)  and Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry. The reason I'm learning that one is because Buckcherry is my roommate's favorite band, she told me this a week ago and when I looked up their music sort of cracked up that they sing that song. It's not too difficult, but it's taking a little work like anything else.

My parents are out for the night. I've got no real commitments tomorrow aside from my lesson and I'm planning to hit up Dani M. for some coffee beforehand. She just graduated recently. I don't know, I've always really enjoyed her company for some reason, she's one of the few genuinely kind people I've met here in the tri cities.

Haven't talked to Jason much this week. He's going on a cruise or something.

I met another girl today that called asking if I needed a roommate. She seemed immediately pretty cool, but I don't think I'd want to live with another guitarist. She plays guitar too and writes her own music, so of course I'd love to jam with her but I'm still sticking with my roommate Kristin. She just seems like the best option for me, she seems very stable, level headed, work-oriented, just the kind of person I would want to live with. I don't know this other girl that called but she seemed really cool and I had her add me on facebook so we can speak again.

I love that I'm making friends already and I haven't even left yet. My network is growing, hehe.

I hung out with Joey A. today. We didn't really talk much, I just invited him over to chill and play guitar, which we did, and had a grand time. I really just wanted to see him play, I remember being so impressed by his skills back in highschool when I saw him playing in his car in the parking lot. He's pretty good at finger picking but was a little rusty on the electric. He thought my playing was impressive too but we couldn't really coordinate. He brought over a Squier because he had to sell his shred guitar.

So sad, I wouldn't ever sell Samara. That guitar is going to be one of my prized possessions as long as nothing happens to it... I love her, even with her imperfections.

I'm also hanging out with Michael Z. tomorrow, that's really good I'm so excited to see him. It's always really interesting to hear about his life in Seattle. I would hate living there, ick.

Oh, it's my parents anniversary! Yay, my parents are awesome for all the support they've given me. I don't think they have any clue what they're doing, my mom said she wasn't in the fancy dining mood. What else is there to do, wine tasting maybe? My Dad isn't really cultured, he doesn't like to do very many fun things. He'll only really go somewhere if it's a room full of weird junk. But he's my Dad so I love him, my Mom puts up with him and gets to live her at times nonsensical spirit Mom life.

I'm lucky.

peace. 

Zen Guitar Studio

Hola.

I found my roommate, and I'm super stoked. Her name is Kristen and she's alright with my weird musician lifestyle. She's a transferring Junior like me and she's majoring in psychology. She seems serious in her studies like I am, which is a major plus and it's even her first time moving out from her parents house too. I don't know what she'll think of me, but I'm hoping we get along well. I'm sure everything will be fine. She's an athlete, so maybe we can play sports together occasionally. I haven't played basketball in forever and I am in no mood to ever be competitive with anyone anymore so it might actually be fun. She'll probably kick my ass.

I finally posted my Fear of the Dark video. I'm stoked that it got such a positive response, 50 hits in the first couple hours of upload! I'm assuming that's just my youtube subscribers, so cool. I feel like I have my little piece of fame, even if it's silly. I'm hoping it can get me more clients in the long run, make some money with lessons to buy food and not cut too terribly into my savings.

Okay I have to promise myself here and now that I will allow myself to spend money in Ellensburg. I have too, it's going to be expensive to move out and this is why I've saved so much this summer.

Here's my freaking amazing logo. I don't really care if it looks like a massage parlor, it's mine and I love it. 

I guess my main sales pitch with the logo is that guitar can help you relax and center yourself. Jacob saw this and said it made me sound like a hippie, or something, I don't know. Katelynn said if she saw this logo she would expect the instructor would be Asian but my name is very clearly printed under the logo and Emily Wilson is definitely not an Asian name.

It's only 3:45 pm, Katelynn was over yesterday and we hung out and had a good time. I told her that these days are going to be the days that I miss living here. We walked through town and I realized how much I really do despise living here though. Though it's always been a safe place to live, I feel like I should get out in the world. It's funny to think that I'm going from a small town to a place that isn't by any means huge but I don't think I would want to live in a big city, either. 

Yup, things have been going really good. I've got 28 days until I get out of here and I can't believe how much this year has flown by. It was a pretty good year at CBC, definitely easier than my first year there. I really wore out my interest in Japanese culture and language. I will always have some connection with that subculture, but I'm so over it. 

I go through pretty drastic phases in my life that take over my spare time. I guess the guitar is my new phase, but I can't let it take over to the point that it interferes with my studies and what's important. The guitar is really important to me too, though, because it's going to make me some money if I'm able to get students to teach. 

Jacob recently hired his old bandmate to be an accountant. He he, with my business I'll be my own accountant and I won't have to pay anyone! But still, it makes me excited that Jacob now has an employee. I want his business to do very well after I'm gone, I hope that my videos can help him get students. I'm sure he appreciates that I'm taking the time to make the progress videos. 

My lesson yesterday went really well. We sort of B.S.'d about stuff that we don't normally talk about. I told him that he's been a huge benefit in my life because his lessons have helped me so much, and he responded, "How?" I didn't really know what to say. He continued, "Because you know Emily, when it comes down to it everything in life is about impressing others. It's depressing but true... Why are you learning this? Why do you put on makeup in the morning? It all boils down to this."

It's so true, though I don't know if it's necessarily depressing. Man is responsible for his or her own life. I feel like by learning a skill I am trying to portray my discipline as a human being. I don't know how much it is to impress people, but I suppose every musician has a number of reasons that they do what they do. 

All I know is right now, I have practiced a total of 351 hours since I started getting lessons. That's 14 days in four months. 

You hit your first milestone at 1,000, then at 5,000 something else will "click," then at 10,000 you have successfully mastered the guitar. I want to someday get 10,000, but it's a long road and I will just chunk away at it as I go. 

I need to find some songs to learn! My goal this week is to learn a few easy songs to better prepare me for giving lessons for wide ranges of music. I don't know what I'm going to learn though, ugh I need a random song chooser or something.

peace. 

Working out feels pretty good, it's a nice way to finish off the day. I'm planning to go to bed here pretty soon, there's nothing else to do today.

Lessons went well, that was the end of week 11. It's hard to believe, it doesn't seem that long ago that I started getting lessons from him but it's already been eleven weeks. This week I'm going to be really focusing in on "To Tame a Land." He told me to break away from picking exercises and stuff like that for the most part and really work on the piece as well as technical exercises-- vibratos and hammer-ons/pull offs. I'm actually getting the hang of those now so that they sound much cleaner. This is going to be a good week. At the end of Week 12 my goal is to have something up on my youtube page. I want to feel ready enough with To Tame a Land, even if it's just the first couple minutes of it.

________________________________

Tomorrow I have work. Work sucks but I've got my job down to a science so it doesn't bother me anymore. I go, get stuff done, clock out. I don't want any catty, bitchy drama or any of them getting into my personal business. Nor do I want to go to this bowling party thing they are trying to coordinate. I really don't want to be a part of job merriment (hahaha). They're adults, I'm 20... that's so awkward.

In the break room I'll usually sit there with my shred neck and practicing picking exercises. This makes me feel more productive as well as meditative. Traci will sit there and laugh out loud really hysterically and I'll try and keep my head down. She's sitting over there reading a book and suddenly bursts out, "BAH HAHAHA." I'm like, "....gulp." tickticktick-tickticktick,  tickticktick-tickticktick. That shredneck doesn't make any actual noise, it's just a warmup device. It really does the job but I need to install some new strings on it because it sort of hurts my fingers using it. 


Wow, hard to believe June is coming to a close already. I barely even feel like it's summer, with the weather we've been having it feels more like a warm April. There's been these random storms that keep popping up out of nowhere. 


This routine is getting pretty mundane. It sort of reminds me of middle school summers again, but instead of on Neopets or Gaiaonline I'm practicing my instrument. Still, same concept. It's summer, people are out doing stuff, I'm in my room in front of a computer screen. 


Nothing more to say. I hope to hang out with Samantha one of these days. I'm happy because I'm getting paid so I'll finally have a little money in my account to go have some fun without stress. I'm sad that I missed the renaissance fair. Actually, I missed a lot of summer things that I normally check out. Having these expenses at the beginning of summer for me sort of hit me like that. Luckily, I'll be going to California soon and getting that time out of here is WAAAAY past due.

Also, did I mention that I'm going to LA? I am going to make a point to visit Katharine when we go to California, maybe it'll be on the way out, I don't know.. I'd really like a chance to see the city with her. I hope I won't be exhausted as Hell by then.


peace. 

Nature of the beast.

My left hand has been cramping like a son of a bitch. Sometimes it will suddenly go tingly out of the blue when I'm driving. It makes me nervous, I baby my left hand the best I can so I don't get horrible carpel tunnel. If I get carpel tunnel I wouldn't be able to play and that would suck. I'm going to research the signs of developing carpel tunnel. Or maybe the cramping is just from working my wrists hard and they're building more resilience.  My goal at the end of the week is to get good enough at Tame a Land to post a video of it on Youtube. It's a nerve wrecking thing for me, still, because it would require me to actually hear myself play. When I play, I feel like I can't hear myself and that it probably still sounds like shit.

A band I discovered recently called Kamelot that I really like already. 

Jacob told me we are going to start getting more into songs, and that the mad picking exercises (though they're not going to be completely retired) won't be the main focus anymore. I'm excited to really get into songs because we really haven't focused on my random choice of pieces yet. He helped me pick out Erodomania. Cemetery Gates was my idea, as was Under a Glass Moon.. I never actually stressed Unforgiven as being important but it's one of the more recognizable songs I now know almost all the way through aside from the solo. All of the System of a Down music is completely obsolete because I wouldn't be able to get my new guitar down to that horrendously low tuning.

____________________________________________________

My friend John Regan recently told me about a band called Portal. They're sort of under the radar but I immediately really liked them.

So I'm trying to find a really good song for next Wednesday to really plow through and focus on the next couple weeks. I have all week to think about this I guess.

I finally told Jessika off for good yesterday morning; my Dad overheard from downstairs and laughed at how much of a skilled debater I can be. She called after I sent her my long rebuttal to her manic message she left on my phone. I had planned everything and shooting down all of her false accusations was easy because she said nearly everything I predicted her too. It was almost too easy and there's no use explaining it further, what's done is done.

Because I know exactly what this was. Jessika feels insecure about herself because she no longer feels she has some kind of control over me because I now have a self esteem. She's angry that I've done well in school, have my own hobbies, and don't need to seek the satisfaction of others approval of me when clearly she does.

Well, I suppose that's a lie. As humans we all look for approval from our peers, it's how we establish ourselves as members in society. I currently seek approval from the following people: Katelynn because she's my best friend and I want her to be satisfied in me as I would expect in her, Jacob because he's my teacher and I don't want to disappoint him or myself, my parents, my sister, Katharine... and that's pretty much it. Granted, I want people to think of me as a nice person, I want to have a good reputation.

Jessika on the other hand, her reputation is so bad that I can't stand being around her anymore. Someone like this would only bring me down, I need to start associating myself with more and more musicians so I can learn more. That's really all I want to do lately is play and bite my time, hang out with whoever I want too and stay safe. I've been learning so much random, probably useless information on Netflix.

Like I've been watching this TV series called Coal. It's about these guys that work underground getting out coal in the West Virginia mountains. It's really interesting to see how much pride men can take in their jobs, especially when it's known for being one of the most dangerous jobs in the country.

These two guys are actually the two of the best coal miners in West Virginia. Granted, society might see people like this and call them white trash but they're actually geniuses in what they do. Everyone has their thing that they take pride in and these guys are the greatest miners in the state of West Virginia, maybe even the whole country. It's sad to think, though, that in a job in the coal mines you could literally die in a split second at any point in the day. All it would take is a lose piece of sheet rock if the bolt faciners didn't do their job correctly and you'd be dead almost instantaneously.

Both of them are extremely relaxed in the situation they're in, even if they're in extremely flammable, unhealthy conditions. On top of that it's freezing cold, almost pitch black, you could get electrocuted at any time from the overly sensitive machinery used for excavating the coal.

The spirit and fearlessness of man is incredible. 

I think the West Virginia coal miners are f*cking nuts for going down there, but they're so determined to get a job done that they don't let the fear of death deter them.It's kind of hopeless, but if that gives them a purpose in life that's great.

peace.