Has it really been two weeks already?

Goodmorning.

I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to write and have to stop to do something.

Today is Saturday. I'm working at 2 pm which means I've got some time to practice guitar this morning and what not. Days that I have to work tend to be more productive because it motivates me to not sleep in because it puts me in a better mood to have accomplished things before I go. Anyway lets talk about what's been going down in my life lately.

Not much has changed between Jared and I since he returned to work. After we'd hung out I had wondered if he'd continue to be as interested in me as I was in him after that night and I felt happy that meeting didn't make him reconsider. We have been texting and snapchatting off and on for the last couple weeks. Jared always tells me about the crazy shit he does and the military has him do to maintain his physique and become a killing machine if nessasary (10 mile runs, hours of target practice, etc...).

Anyway he sent me a text a couple days ago saying he was going to be MIA for two weeks because he's going to be guarding potential world detonation machines and isn't allowed to have his phone. I won't lie, not being able to talk to him at all is going to be a bummer and test my patience a little bit. But at the same time I know that this is what I signed up for having feelings for someone in this line of work and I should just be happy he's still in Washington and not shipped off to Hell somewhere. He's too handsome, smart and sexy to have his head blown off in Afganistan, you better keep him here God damnit (lol, but seriously...)


Alright enough about Jared. Let's talk about work and some of my new friends a little bit.

Me and Kayla W. have become pretty good friends this summer! Ha ha I never realized how much we had in common until I hung out with her a few times and saw some of her badass interests. First of all she has a great taste in music. She's also the type that likes to listen to music a lot which I think is admirable. She listens to all kinds of badass old rock like Rush, Pink Floyd, Rob Zombie, The Doors... She also likes to watch the same cartoons that I do. The Simpsons is listed on her top TV list on facebook and my Dad just gave me this Simpsons drawing book which I've got really no use for. I'll probably give it to her if she wants it. 

Last Sunday I also had a good time hanging out with Brianna and her friends (almost all coworkers at Little C's) at Justin's mom's place in Richland. Being able to hang out with and get drunk with some of the girls from work was cool because I got a chance to get to know everybody in a relaxed scene versus while we're all trying to step over eachother to get stuff done at work.*

*Since I've just started my boss has been scheduling me when there's enough people that there's not a huge amount of pressure on me to be speedy. Now that I'm getting better at my job it occasionally seems like there's too many people trying to accomplish the same goal and I end up doing busy work like washing the dishes and scrubbing furniture to ensure they don't send me home early. 

I know they're doing their best with hours and I wholeheartedly appreciate just having the job as it is but unfortunately because I'm the newest my head is on the chopping block first when they get slow and start sending people home. That being said I'm probably only getting about 10-12 hours a week and need to start looking for a second job when I get home today. Right now is a really good time to be applying because a lot of people are leaving their part-time jobs for school or whatever.

I'd still really like to get a job at the Conoco in Benton City. I know they've got students leaving and they said they would keep my resume on file so I'll try to drop by before work this morning and let them know I'm going to be around until January. This is for sure now. 

I finally got the courage to drop those three classes on my "perfect" schedule-- I say perfect because I was signed up for the best combination of professors: Finally getting a spot in Tenerelli's not impossible Finance 370 class and Human Resources with Avey who's won awards. But it's just not gonna happen this Fall and maybe if I'm lucky I can take them in the Winter or Spring.

The good news is however that I'm going to be taking Cost accounting online in the Fall so I'll be better prepared for Finance 370 when the time comes... That way if I DO get stuck with Young "the anal orifice" I'll be waaay more prepared this time. Because a Finance class is basically the same thing as cost accounting class, but requires arithmetic and doesn't give very thorough explanations of the concepts because they assume you already know. This cost accounting class with help solidify these concepts and give me working knowledge for working for the State auditor next summer.

So yeah, regardless of that fact that I'm still going to be living at home trying to master the perfect pizza crust I'll also be slaving over my accounting book and taking these babysteps every day to continue toward my major goals.

peace.

Somewhat of a setback

Evening.

Yesterday was not a fun day. It shook me really hard and I'm still having a difficult time forgiving myself for what happened even if I tried as hard as I could.

I had to withdraw from finance again to avoid a failing grade because I completely bombed my test on Monday. After spending hours drilling the problems online and thinking I had a decent grasp on the material. Come to find out I didn't comprehensively what so ever. The test questions don't go in order from easiest to most difficult, the concepts are mixed up and if you don't know the appropriate steps and formulas to get your answer your pretty much f*cked.

Soo, I'm going to be taking it with Tenerelli in the Fall. He's the one finance professor that apparently goes slow enough or has some other method that helps get people through it. I f*cking hate how hard this class is for me and that even after all the work I did I was somehow still completely oblivious to my own ignorance.

I took it out really hard on myself last night. Not living up to my own standards makes me feel psychotic and almost suicidal because I feel like self improvement is the only thing that I live for at this point. Failure is my biggest nightmare.

Lately I've been watching any documentaries
I can find about Russian ballet. 

But only with tribulations in life do you discover your inner strength. I am not going to flunk out of college and I will not allow this class to keep me from getting my degree. I'm going to now use this quarter as an opportunity to better understand R and my forecasting class and really be able to put some effort into my paper for my capstone course. Taking finance is so draining on my time and psyche because I'm constantly working on homework and constantly feeling nervous about homework being due that I only half understand the procedures for. Then when I actually do the homework my anxiety is super high because if you make one tiny rounding or decimal error in the intermediate steps whole problem is wrong and it's EXTREMELY frustrating.


I think I had mentioned to you guys that I had asked for Kyle's number to help me study for the test on Sunday and he said he'd be totally down on Friday. I did not text him at all during the weekend, I told myself I wouldn't talk to him until I actually *did* need his help so I didn't make it seem like I got his number to get to know him or anything (lol I've learned that guys generally don't like making conversation via text and things can be so easily misread so why even risk it). But I did text him Sunday when I needed help and didn't get a response which kind of sucked my motivation somewhat.

This morning he passed me on the way to Carbaugh's class and asked me how I did. Kind of sucked having to say that I failed. I really wish I could have said "Oh I stressed out for nothing!! I studied my ass off on Sunday and probably did fine!..." like I've said for practically every one of my other tests I've taken in college but instead I had to say, "Pretty terrible. I failed."

It sucked so bad. And having this happen means that I'll be taking one online class for my business minor this Summer to make up for the one I won't be doing in the fall. If I don't get this internship with enterprise I'm going to be moving back to the tri cities again in a month and a half. That for me is hard to believe as well and makes me determined to work as hard as I can until that point.

That's all for now.

peace. 

Guess I don't fit with country folks

I swear people from Benton city have been deleting me on facebook in droves. It seems like anytime I get online to look for people to draw I notice a couple people that aren't my friend anymore and it's almost always someone I knew from highschool.. which makes sense, considering I've been out of highschool for 4 years and out of Benton city entirely for 2.

But do I still like to see what my classmates are up too nowdays? Absolutely. It's fun to see people starting families and moving off in their own directions. Most of the people that delete me were acquaintances in highschool that didn't go to college, so that could have something to do with it-- not that it's really anything to be jealous of. Sometimes I'm surprised to see the people that do have me on their friends lists or like my stuff when I once assumed that they didn't like me at all.

I don't know, I like facebook for many reasons, especially for finding photos to use as models for my sketchbook as well as the positive reinforcement I get for my work. But the friend deleting thing is such a lame if you didn't expect that person to delete you.

Like today I noticed Cortney C. deleted me. 

I always thought she was cool and pretty. She moved to benton city from Arizona during our junior year and I wanted to be friends with her. She's really country though so I guess we didn't connect on anything. Meh. But she's one of these people that used to come up on my newsfeed all the time so I used to like her stuff! It made me feel stupid for trying to be her friend in the first place. 

God, I'm starting to get really nervous about Marshall again. My friend Brad let him out this morning at about 7 am.. it's almost 3 pm and he's not home yet. Hes done this before so I'm not as panicked as the first time this happened. I'm not afraid that he doesn't know his way home anymore but where would he go for this many hours if he's not stuck in somebody's house? 

Ugh I can't think about it. 

School starts on Wednesday. I still haven't gotten my books yet but I plan to take care of it pronto. I might buy them when I go to the gym tonight. 

peace. 

Good luck and goodbye

R.I.P. DENNIS LEE, APRIL 11, 1967-SEPTEMBER 19 2013 

There's some sad news I read on facebook today on his daughter Amber's profile. Dennis had four daughters, Amber, Ashley, Kendra and Danielle as well as a son that grew up here in Benton city so the whole community was shocked today when they heard the news. Dennis recently became a grandfather when Amber and Ashley had babies this year and also got to see Danielle graduate. 

I hope the family is holding together through this hard time. They're in my thoughts. 

Today I spent my day off relaxing, eating good food (my sister made steaks and cous-cous for lunch which was actually really delicious), playing guitar... Also trying to figure out my upcoming expenses and how I'm going to get through the next five days or so without blowing the lame remainder of my funds. Today I had to get my prescription without having insurance. Get this shit-- REGULAR price for Prozac that Benton city pharmacist COULD HAVE sold me if he was just in it for profit: $248

But because the pharmacist at Logar is a friend and heard my situation he gave me an EXTREME discount price of $30. I literally almost cried.

I felt so incredibly lucky and blessed. There is still good in the world. 

Because you know Wal Mart wouldn't have cut me any slack on the ridiculous costs of medicine. They would have just been like "That'll be $248.32." with zero expression on their face and I would be horrified at the outrageous cost of drugs in this country without insurance. Of course had my mom not lost her job because of this LIE we would still have insurance and this wouldn't be a problem. 

Alright I'm going to bed. Still can't find my DS which is frustrating and I'm hoping it turns up when I start packing more. Last shift tomorrow at jcpenney from 11-4-- little five hour mini shift and I'm DONNNE. I'm going to meet up with my friend Chad and we're planning on grabbing coffee and a bite to eat before I have guitar at 5:30. Music Machine still has my instrument and tomorrow I'm gonna owe them $30. This is something I've been putting off all summer but damn, now I am wishing I would have done it sooner because all my money is getting draaaained here at the last minute.

peace.

Adddddventure time!

Nick you are NOT too cool to be in this picture... ha ha ha

Yesterday was fun. Had a wild hair and set up an event on facebook for pretty much anyone around benton city to meet at the rope swing today. I had a really good turn out actually, considering pretty much everyone has jobs. My tan has certainly faded and people always enjoy pointing out how white I am because I could honestly care less. 

Cameron L. and his friends were really the one that helped me with this. My friend Kellen came to my house at 2' and we sat outside while I ate a sandwich until Wiley rolled up in his sick Chevy. Cameron and Chris C. were in the truck bed and Zach M. was in the passenger seat. Cameron acts so goofy, he cracks me up. 

We went to the store and this guy Chris C. who's been at the rope swing with us every time I've been there that I can remember. He had a bottle of whiskey with him and would run down those scary cliffs like it was nothing. Wiley brought some Strawberry-Ritas or whatever and some Rolling Rock. I had one of those at around 2 pm... I know crazy right, that was the first time I've ever drank in the afternoon. 

But honestly it was because I was a little stressed! At this point in the day I had heard some really hard news... News that I unfortunately can't talk to you guys about much on my blog because it could potentially make the situation worse. Of course I don't know how it could get worse now, seems like administration has already made up it's mind to send my mom packing for the dumbest little shit weasel on earth. 

So yeah. Cheers. I spent the next hour scrolling through my phone looking for girls to invite to this thing. Rhiannon said she was coming on the event page so I was really hoping she'd be there. Not that I have a problem with any of the guys that I was hanging out there with at this time... it's just kind of awkward being the only girl there. I had thought for sure Alisha (Zach's girlfriend) would be there but she was sick. 

Luckily Rhiannon showed up at around 4' or so. On the right of her with the beanie is Chris Cul. (Not Chris C. mentioned earlier). He's just your typical kind of eclectic, "high on life" street kid that probably had a rough upbringing. He says some crazy things and enjoys lighting things on fire. Then to my left is Cameron L., then Zach, and Zach's brother who's really sarcastic like Zach is. 

Katelynn came and brought a box of pabst which was highly appreciated by everyone when the beer cooler was running a little low. Katelynn, Kellen and Kevin were in the water practically the whole time. Katelynn says that she hardly ever goes swimming and doesn't know why more people aren't in the water. For me personally because it's cold to me and I'd rather stand around and socialize. That water is shallow but you still can't see your feet and that can be a little bothersome to me too.

OH.... weird side thing that I just realized... last night I had a dream that Abe P. from school was with me yesterday and telling me he didn't want to swim in the water because he "remembers when the water was clear and you could see your feet." What the hell is that supposed to symbolize?

The 6 of us that came first stayed for quite awhile and I was ready to go home around 6'. I drank 2 beers which kind of got my mind off the situation at home but by this time I was getting a headache. Timmy had shown up a little later and was like "What you guys are leaving already?" And Wiley's like "Dude! we've been here for 4 hours!" ha ha ha

So yes, very fun yesterday. Part of me kind of wanted Jay to show up but I knew he'd be much too exhausted. Instead of saying "no" Jay just chooses not to respond to things sometimes. That's alright with me, I get it. I hope I see him this Tuesday. I've got work from 5-12 am tonight and another closing shift tomorrow. This next Friday's payday should be pretty good.

peace. 

First days of summer has been pretty tough.

This one's gonna have a lot of curse words, guys. It's been a rough weekend, honestly.

Here's me in the living room pretty shortly after we'd got back from dinner. I'd packed all those boxes in the background but most of them we had to repack because I did a very crappy, rushed job without even realizing it. Ha ha, great pic though, damn look at those nice forearms..

I called my mom a couple days ago at 3 pm when I thought I had nearly everything packed and suddenly she said she was coming. It was a ton of work to get my apartment emptied out and cleaned, but I was definitely more than ready to go when we did. Now that I'm home I still have a lot on my mind.

When my mom came up to help me back the other night I suddenly kind of broke down about the emotions that I'd been feeling this weekend.

I mean don't get me wrong, my mom and I were having an awesome time hanging out together, especially with my roommate not around so I could be a little more like my old loud self.

Around midnight I went on facebook and made the worst mistake-- looked on Jack's facebook because my mom and I had been talking about him. F*cking Jack of course is hanging out with some girl right now, and OF COURSE there has to be pictures!!! He's always getting tagged in these photos hanging out with girls and having his arm around them and like she's the new sliced bread. It's the dumbest thing and just hurts me because it's these girls have nothing on me-- I'm extremely smart, I'm becoming a very skilled guitar player, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have a great sense of humor, I'm compassionate, I'm pretty, I'm on my way to being successful.. And apparently this just isn't enough for him and nothing ever is which makes it really f*cked for me that I still have feelings for him when clearly he's never appreciated me who I am at all.

Jacob always, always tells me just not to worry about it. He tells me that I don't need it and that if I just funnel all of my energy into self improvement and what's important.... I know that he's right and I do, every day is a new day of work for me. It doesn't matter if it's a day off school or I have plans or whatever I have to play my guitar and get things done like study or clean or I feel like I've wasted that day.

I realize that the fact of the matter is that I've easily been able to shut things out of my mind when I had a ton of responsibilities at school but now that I'm home with an entire summer lying ahead I need to make some responsibilities... I just need to keep creating daily goals and things to work on to keep myself preoccupied and I'll be okay, it's just been a hard weekend for me. I mean the moving process, being stressed about getting this job, being behind on my guitar lesson payments, being broke, feeling kind of lonely because I left school and I don't know how many of those people I will see again...

Transitions man, I'm in one right now and I'm just trying to ease my mind. I definitely feel a lot better now that I've written but I am still going to meditate, pray and play my DS for a bit to further calm my mind. I just let my emotions kind of overcome my mind today. These kind of emotions are completely useless and I am proud of myself for getting to the point where I rarely feel this way anymore unless something really stressful is going on and I feel kind of lost and emotionally overwhelmed where I would LIKE to have someone to feel cares about me and wants to spend time with me and that I like back. I want someone to understand me and appreciate me for everything that I am.. Not today, it's still not my turn and fate says I'm not ready yet so
I just have to keep working until that day comes.

peace.

. 

Let's reminisce. And some job updates.

Hello.

So I just got done with one of my main chores this weekend which was to deliver my resume/job application to the liquor store, as well as the Roadhouse, and then I also picked up a couple applications to deliver to WingCentral. It sucks not having a printer, I had to give the Liquor store people a copy of my resume that had another business's name scratched out.

I was hoping to see the manager today but I did talk to the man I'd talked to yesterday again. He said that they are planning on hiring a part time employee for the summer and I could potentially get more hours. Good, that's what I want. The more hours I can get this summer the more money I can make. There's a lot more earning potential for me here in Ellensburg then back in the tri cities because I don't have to drive nearly as much. That AND I'll be able to keep my place here...

Of course because I'm going to be working so much and still playing guitar I'm probably going to be a lot more busy and tired than I am right now with school. My schedule right now is actually pretty easy in comparison to the "real world." I only go to class 3 hours a day and then the rest is spent studying, playing guitar or messing around online.

Class registration for summer is tomorrow. Again I've decided not to take classes. I'm not in any race to graduate and have some investment planning job somewhere, I'm not ready for that right now because I need a better understanding of how businesses actually run in society.

So I'm really just crossing my fingers. If I can get this job part time as well as a hostess job I'll be set for this summer.

Last night me and Jack hung out. I'd gotten ready to go to a party with Allie at around 9' but ended up accidentally falling asleep... I guess I felt like meditating for a little while and... oops. Anyway I got a call from Jack at 1 in the morning, and he was walking around somewhere outside. He asked if I wanted to hang out, I said yes and unable comprehend directions of where he wanted to meet exactly he just ended up showing up here.

It's really too early to say what's going on in Jack's head at this point because I'm so shocked that we've hung out twice to be honest with you guys. It's just totally weird that we're suddenly hanging out and everything's cool after all this craziness. We had some really good talks yesterday about things, like about why things kept happening the way that he did..


I guess it just comes down to the fact that his friends back in Benton city always acted weird around me which is why we didn't really work out back then. He said this last night and I agree, they always did-- it's because I was never nice to them as kids. Like Jesse and Ryan... I was always kind of a snit because I was shy and they were always kind of mean to me when we were little. So as we got older things just continued to be that awkward between us, which is why I never came anywhere near his friends in highschool and when we hung out back then it was always really hush-hush which was really annoying to me.


The truth is however is I understand why he didn't want to bring me around people... I was kind of weird... and really negative. And a lot of that just comes from feeling insecure which a lot of people can read, and sophomore year when I met Jack was an especially bad year for me in general. I was dealing with..
 the fallout of the Chino relationship ending, 
...his psycho sister making those flyers about me, 
...Kandyce's friends gunning for me, 
...I took WELDING with Jessica S. and didn't have a partner in weight training that year
....Katharine and I weren't on good terms 
..so I was hanging out with Tony's GIRLFRIEND at lunch... (awkward)
...And the hot new foriegn girl in school that Jack wanted to get with and would ask me advice on how to get her.

2008 was a complete bitch, yet at the same time I remember dealing with it pretty well considering what was going on. Lol video games got me through that time pretty well...

This is the game I used to play continually that year and I guess it numbed my mind. 

peace.

Two word responses can be hard to read.

Sometimes that's how I feel when I talk to Jason, like I'm annoying or bothering him. We used to text a lot but now when we do text I get these short little responses that I can't make sense of. It's hard, I like him and I want to spend time with him but sometimes I feel like any minute he's going to say, "Look, I'm gonna have my own experience and I don't want to feel like I've got some obligation to deal with you. Goodbye."

So of course in order to avoid this I'm keeping things extremely light and trying not to pressure him to spend time with me one way or the other. If he wants to spend time with me, great! If not, well, okay I'll go do my own thing-- I've always got shit to do because of my rigorous study and practice habits so it's not like I'm waiting around for Jason all day. I don't even know if he considers us to be "dating."

Because see there's that stage where you're flirting and getting to know eachother, which in the past month and a half we've certainly spent a great deal of time doing. Then when we actually met at Central things have been going steady for the most part, but I can't help but have this suspicion that he's going to suddenly not talk to me ever again... it sucks. I really don't trust that any guy that I actually have feelings for is going to want me back because it's never happened. I've always just felt dumped off like trash... like oh, I'm done with what I wanted from you now.

I'm hoping things will change someday. I just keep praying that they will, it's been nearly two years that I haven't had guy that was actually willing to start a relationship with me. I've definitely had dates, flings, whatever-- but nothing that ever actually evolved into a relationship. What Jason and I have right now is the closest I've gotten so I'm treating it extremely delicately.

I feel like I'm the one whose keeping this alive more than he is though. Jacob told me, "If a girl is pursuing a guy, there's something wrong..." Well what am I supposed to do, just ignore him completely and hope he starts talking to me?

I just feel like an inconvenience to him and don't want to feel that way.  If he's just sort of putting up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me then I wish he'd just tell me. But I could be totally wrong. I just don't know, and that's what I hate about the relationship game is the uncertainty of it and how it makes your stomach feel. It makes me feel like I'm humiliated a lot because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Right now I've just really tried to be myself around Jason but trying to keep my distance at the same time. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he cuts things off and I hate that feeling.

For this reason I've been feeling a little sad since I got home because he's not really making any effort to talk to me at all. I texted him first today and he keeps giving me two word responses so of course I'm like, HERE we go. The signs are there. I just really hope I'm wrong.

I just really don't want to get hurt again. There's something about me that scares guys away. I like to believe it's Tyler's theory that: "Emily, you're the type of girl that a guy would want to marry. Guys just want to hook up, they don't want to settle down yet." Well if that's truly the case than I really wish I were a lesbian.

Because the feeling of longing for actual love is the biggest inconvenience for those of us that can't find any satisfaction in it. It's like a really good drug that everyone else is using that I want to get my hands on but can't because my dating pool is so small.

And I'm not saying that guys don't hit on me because I do get attention, a LOT.. the kind of attention that most girls would be envious of. I get picked up on pretty much everywhere I go. It's crazy that I have so much trouble finding any actual stability in that aspect of my life because of how I get praised so frequently by admirers. I'm just really not attracted physically to most men. I can't be with a guy that's shorter than me or like... 5'6 or something, it just turns me off so bad I can't do it. As I've said before that eliminates a LOT of guys at Central.

I guess the bottom line is this. I will find someone, eventually. God, my ancestors, whatever outside forces have helped shape my destiny to this point have not failed me yet and maybe all this waiting will lead to something absolutely magical. Am I saying things with Jason could never be magical? No, not necessarily. My body-mind instincts are not giving me a bad response with him like they did with say, Guy or Indy or many other guys that I've spent time with and my body literally rejected it by not letting me sleep or eat really when I was around them. It's not that way with Jason at all, I would actually love to sleep next to him one of these nights but I haven't gotten a chance too.



I just really, really don't want to end up like my parents where I don't really connect with the person I'm married too. I want to be able to joke around, have fun, have a really good understanding of one another and be able to communicate well. I want him to be openminded to my unusual interests and accept and love me for who I am. I want him to be attractive to me, obviously. That's certainly not everything and a great personality can make a guy way more physically attractive-- but yeah, someday I want to have kids and I want them to be good looking because it's a HUGE advantage in life (and anyone that says that's not true can't deny that it at least makes things easier for people).

So obviously my mood tonight is lonely, as well as sort of panicky. I've been having these weird panic attacks where I'll start shaking and my stomach gets really tight. I'm sure this can't be great for my body. It all has to do with the dramatic change of scenery in my life, as well as this new love interest, plus my classes... it's no wonder I'm feeling this way.

My day itself though wasn't bad. I'm actually in Benton City right now because my mom wanted to take me school clothes shopping for my birthday. These plans didn't happen until 4 or so because I took a really long nap after getting no sleep last night. I went to Shawn's 21st birthday yesterday, i'd go into the details about that but I'm sitting here with my mom and would rather talk to her than write. Maybe I'll tell you guys about it in tomorrow's entry.

peace.

oh, here's a blog worth mentioning that i'm just saving for myself to read later. Can't bookmark here.

http://www.thedeadkidsofmyspace.com/