Trying to get back to normal.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


It's nice to be home... much, much less stress, anxiety, etc...

My Mom has has helped me out immensely by taking me to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me Lorazapam. I now have something to take if I'm on the verge of having a panic attack but it makes me feel a little strange so I don't intend taking these very often. It's just a matter of not thinking about this and moving forward...

Today I'm planning on spending the whole day on the computer, playing my guitar and hanging out with my awesome family... And Jimmy.

Last night I went over to Samantha's house and immediately came out to her about the difficulties I've been having with my panic attacks. I was feeling very weird and unable to relax. Samantha is very understanding of what I've been going through and I know that she will be there for me no matter what. I talked to Shawn about learning to relax and he said, "I just don't care. There's no use in getting all worked up about something you can't control..." That's very true, that's what most people say, it's always just been hard for me to live and let live...

There are many underlying factors that led to this panic. Being worried about school, feeling isolated at Central, Jed telling me he liked me again and building hope about it then shortly being let down afterward...Just a number of things, more than anything though it was the panic of having another panic attack after my initial one back a few weeks ago.

So my biggest challenge is just to not think about it at all. Now that I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me (I went to the doctor's office and had a physical, everything looks very normal) there's no reason for me to worry. It's all just in my head. I just have to keep breathing... and stop thinking about breathing.

When I told Shawn about my almost near constant fear that it felt like my throat was closing up he told me, "Well it won't... Your throat won't do that." Logically I know that it won't, but that's always where I can feel the panic start. Then it moves to my chest.

I went over to Katelynn's house after Samantha's, and when I got there I took my 3rd Lorazapam half for the day. We smoked a little and it made me feel a LOT better. Smoking always helps me put things into perspective and calm me down, but the stuff that I was smoking before was too potent and made me feel even more paranoid then before.

So yes, very good visit with Katelynn, I always sleep extremely well on that mattress that she pulls out in the living room. Her and Alan are planning to move to different apartments over in Richland-- pretty close to Shawn and Sam, actually. That will be very nice.

I'm feel calm today. This has been a difficult few days with this panic issue but it's slowly resolving itself back into normalcy.

peace. 

Budget planning for the trip

Today's been good so far. I woke up bright and early and played the Sims 2 for a couple hours. I finished up my Spahn ranch and Barker ranch replicas and I plan to start on my Sims music video later on. I haven't done this in a long time, but I figure it'd be cool to show off my creative touch with the game a bit-- even if people don't really watch Sims music videos but who cares.

I played guitar for an hour and 10 minutes so far. I also graphed out all my days for the past week and a half or so and it looks like I'm going to be paying Jacob on Thursday. I'm going to ask my dad for the money from cherries so I'll be able to pay for $50 of the $80 just from that, thus not cutting too far into my California trip savings.

Okay honestly there was never an actual savings plan for that. I've been trying not to think about it, but just to have a more pleasant experience I'll write out my budget for the trip.


Current Checking: $264
Current Savings: $1,170

I get paid 7/12 for this weekend and this upcoming Thursday. (about $270 or so)

Total: $1,434
Goal at the end of the summer-- September 10th, 2012: $2,000
(remember that my Dad will match whatever I earn. This is a huge incentive for me to save.)

Travel Arrangements

Gasoline contribution for duration of trip $40

$40

Daily Costs

Food

Estimated $10/day on two driving days. 

$60

Allowance of $35 for rest of the trip but no more.

$95

Shopping allowance

$50 for mac powder and a mascara. Also for when we shop around

$145

I know I'll probably go over this, but if at all possible I'd like to do this trip on the cheap. Like I've said before I've had some major set backs in my savings the past couple months and it seems more and more impossible to get to my goal by the end of the summer. I probably spend too much money, but working in retail it's hard to not make little impulse purchases here and there. I just try really hard not go overboard and only take advantage of the very good sales. But little $5 purchases here and there add up so quickly, and only fuel the fire of the money that I absolutely have to drop once a month for $80 and once every two weeks for $40. 

Driving in the car is going to be a bitch because I'm gonna have my guitar on my lap.

Last night I talked to Jack really briefly. I'm pretty sure he's working 40 hours a week or so at this place and is also working mornings. Not very many people share my work on the weekends schedule, aside from Katelynn and Alan. It's Monday, they're working.. 

I'm trying not to get in my summer rut. Things haven't been too interesting lately but I just can't be driving around right now. My phone is off so I feel cut off socially... I should go outside for awhile and come back and play after I sit out in the sun for a bit. 

peace.