Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.