Love is a tragedy. All that I have, all that I'll ever need ...

Is right here inside

Let the winds of freedom be my guide

(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)

Afternoon readers.

Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.


This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.

I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.


It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.

Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.

But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.

...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.

peace. 

Taking a day to figure stuff out... insomnia

I'm skipping class today.

Well it's not really skipping if you feel like you really shouldn't go because it wouldn't have any benefit to you today. I got zero sleep last night. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I'm going to make a plan to fix this here and now.

I went to bed at 10 after drinking a glass of wine and taking half a motion sickness relief pill and I thought that'd be enough. Apparently not because I was up tossing and turning for the next three hours or so.

Yesterday wasn't a good day because of the stress of not talking to anyone for eight hours and it had a number on my appetite. For dinner I had half a grilled cheese, some quaker chips and some yogurt which I knew probably wasn't enough but because I wasn't feeling hungry necessarily and because the wine was making me sleepy I went ahead and went to bed. It was a mistake. There was so much crap on my mind that I didn't feel hungry enough to get up and eat something. So first of all, no more wine before bed. Though it relaxes me initially (which of course I like) it's not working for me to get adequate sleep and I feel it's one of the main reasons I've been tossing and turning all night. 

At 12 am I got up and had half a piece of wheat bread. Usually this does the trick for me if I can't sleep and know I'm hungry. This actually made it somewhat worse because as my appetite began to wake up so did my mind. However I chose to ignore it and continued to try to sleep. I had a prayer, please, just two hours of sleep or so is all I'd really need.... Everything happens for a reason.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up since I started taking Prozac because it makes me quite tired during the day when I combine it with lorazapam to combat anxiety. I have not lost faith in prozac yet, I've been weening myself off the lorazapam which is harder than I thought it would be. Last night at around 2 AM I took a half to hopefully relax me enough to sleep. Nope. Continue to cut back from lorazapam which is also one of the main reasons for sleepiness during the day. It's hard but I have to do it to get my sleeping schedule back in check. Or maybe instead of taking them during the day it'd be a better idea to take one at night before bed as my doctor advised when he first prescribed them.

Not only that but I went to bed with so much on my mind last night. I came out on my facebook about my problems with Central. This wasn't an easy task for me because in all honesty I'm slightly humiliated about it-- even if my mom says being in a new environment like this and my current circumstances would make many people stressed out. I have such high expectations for myself with the guitar and my studies that I've always got something to get done. Unfortunately this has left me very isolated and here it is almost February and I'm still trying to make adjustments to make my life better here.

Medication has been helpful in a number of ways, like classes haven't had me as hung up as they did last quarter to the point that I felt like I was having panic attacks in class. No, class has really become my happy time of the day, it's all of the time that I'm not in class that get to me. I applied for a position as an English tutor yesterday so I'm hoping to get the position.

Working here on campus was originally out of the question for me because I kept thinking, "Oh I'd never have time to get my guitar practicing in and my schoolwork if I have  a job..." but my Dad had a sit down talk with me this last weekend and convinced me otherwise. It was Sunday evening and I had a bit of a breakdown when I started feeling anxiety about coming back here again (an extreme case of this, though I didn't realize it at the time, was around Thanksgiving before finals when I was having panic attacks my last couple days at home nearly all the time).

Both of my parents feel awful about the situation here and are doing everything they can to help me. I feel like my friends from back home are the same way, they're so extremely supportive. I openly admitted on my facebook last night that these have been some of the hardest months of my life, and it's true. When you have depression and/or anxiety tendencies like I do, isolation can exasperate the symptoms and because I'm living in such a stressful environment in general with all the stuff I have to get done it's led me to feeling far different than I've ever felt.

Not really talking to anyone for hours on end is the absolute pits. I've had to work especially hard to keep my head busy...

Wow I'm getting extremely tired now. I got up and threw up this morning because I was so stressed out about making my decision to not go to class today even if I know it's always an important lecture day-- especially in Finite because we're going through the most difficult part of the chapter. I'm probably going to go to one of the tutors tonight to get me caught up today.

I do have some plans, Allie and I are going to eat lunch together at 1-ish and I've got my first group counciling meeting at 3. Until then I plan to sleep a bit, eat, probably study and practice a little... I don't know, trying to just mellow out today because it's been a hard week so far.

peace.

Will this sh*t ever end?

Well fudge. Gerardo's gay.

I think I should have probably known. I mean just based on the fact that he's done modeling, the fact he's into fashion, etc etc... That was interesting while it lasted. One of his best friends posted "OMG Gerardo's gay" as her status and I'm thinking to myself, ookay wait a second... I can't believe it hadn't really crossed my mind, he seemed pretty into me and I just thought his clothes had to do with culture difference.

He wrote "I think you are very gorgeous and everything about you is marvelous you can have any guy you desire... I hope I didn't upset you." He's a sweetheart.

This whole situation has been absolutely bizarre. Definitely something I'll remember, also something that's never happened to me before. It's always hard when you like someone for one reason or another you can't spend time with them. This was a relatively soft blow for me though, considering I didn't think anything could come from this anyway, even if he was straight. Like I don't speak Spanish fluently. Period.

God has a reason for everything. I will keep telling myself this over the next few days. I can't help feeling a little sick for some reason. Like I just want to go to bed because there's no point in tonight.

I felt accomplished completing my two tests in finite and economics earlier. I also went to my first counselling session and was asked a ton of questions about my current situation and why I'm seeking therapy. According to Kristin Bell, aka Ichbinkeinberliner, it's a good idea to treat moderate depression with a combination of therapy and medication so that's what I'm doing.

This is a video she posted. I sometimes watch her videos to get hope about depression.

She's right that taking medication is like night and day, but certain things are hard to swallow regardless. I'm going to a few group therapy sessions in the next couple weeks before I start having individual therapy again. As a student at CWU it's free, and even if there's a waiting list I'm going to take advantage of what I can. She's also encouraging me to join clubs and I really want to join SHRM but they've got their meetings at 6' in Shaw... My guitar lessons usually go until 6:15 and Shaw is completely on the other side of campus, I'd always inevitably be late but on the 31st I really want to go. 

I should maybe talk to Jake about how serious it is that I do join a club and hopefully get my guitar lesson time changed. I so often feel alone here and I want to meet people so bad. I discussed with my councilor how difficult this has been for me, especially before I got on meds. My ability to deal with this isolation has gotten much better but I still can't help feeling lost here. 

peace. 

Obviously, he had so much power and I had NONE. [Project year timeline, age 15]

Let it be known that this August has been the longest month of my life.

Literally, I've been counting down the days since the Orientation at central on the 1st. It SUCKED to wait this long, and I've still got 12 days! Still, fun to think I'll be turning the page this upcoming September today, how exciting is that.

I didn't accomplish my goal this month of studying accounting every day, but I did study a few solid hours this month and read the first about half of the textbook. It was a good enough review that I think if I were to just pick it up a couple more times before the class I'll be more than ready to ace it.

I've gotten a bit better at the guitar these last couple weeks (more than usual) because I finally got my hand positioning completely correct. Now that this is done my risk of carpel tunnel is alleviated because I'm more relaxed in my playing, it's a really big accomplishment! It's Week 21, week 22 is my last week with Jacob but I intend to continue my practice logs to map out exactly how many hours I've done. I'll have to buy an awesome piece of music equipment once I hit 1,000 hours. Maybe even a new guitar.

___________________________________

Project Year Timeline

Age 15, 2006-2007

The Year that Broke my Initial Spirit

That picture was taken by a professional photographer so it's not the most accurate representation of who I really was back then. Maybe this is better...

Okay those are crumbles of cookies with green frosting which we left on Les's porch. Why? I don't know? Notice that I look pretty psychotic. I genuinely was pretty crazy, but it was the first time in my life that I was happy and I wasn't used to it.

Summer before freshman year... I had pretty bad depression in middle school, for MANY reasons which I will explain to you in the next entries for that age. My mom had started me on Paxil for depression just a few months earlier, and it certainly worked. For the first time in my life I wasn't depressed and angry.

I was dating Toren S. that summer. Katharine was dating RJ so we'd spend a lot of time down at the skate park with the "BSK" group. Ever since then I call us the skate park groupies, because that's what it was like. Neither one of us could skate (Though I did try, of course, and failed miserably) so we'd just go there to hang out and goof off.

The BSK group was probably stoned all the time and that's why they acted so goofy and crazy. Katharine and I never were though, and we'd pretty much just feed of their craziness to get the proper vibes to come up with our own inside jokes. Damien C. was funny as Hell; they all were. They seemed like the right people to be hanging out with at the time. I felt like a cool 70's kid taking buses from skatepark to skatepark with no money and all the time in the world. 

I started to think I was rather cute, so my confidence was in the sky when I started highschool. I had Katharine, my boyfriend Toren, everything was going to be okay.

Of course things were NOT okay rather quickly. Toren and my relationship didn't translate well into highschool. Toren was just as crazy as he was during the summer. He was extremely loud and would wear pigtails to assemblies. This one time it embarrassed me and I politely asked him to take them out and he snapped back that he'll do whatever the Hell he wants. We broke up shortly after.

I think I originally broke up with him because of his "pot smoking," even if I had no idea what it was at the time. I'm pretty sure I just wanted an excuse to break up with him before he got to me, but the depression that the breakup caused spiraled rather quickly. I was sad about Toren for a few months, I think I really loved him back-- I mean my brain now is so different that I can't even say it counted as love but for young teenage love, yes it was pretty genuine. 

Because of Paxil I would act really loud and crazy too, but I really don't think it was just for attention. I think I just did it because I wanted to have fun, but once the relationship with Toren was over I quieted down quite a bit.

When I first started highschool I didn't fit anywhere. Like I said before in my previous entries, my class and I never got along so I figured Katharine would have a spot for me. She did, she managed to make it okay that I sat at the Mormon table but I said something really offensive and got booted. 

Katharine and my friendship during freshman year was really short lived. Things were fine originally, we'd joke around at soccer practices, sit next to eachother on bus rides, etc etc... But as time went on she became more and more cold toward me. I didn't know why, I figure I was just acting like myself and she was used to it; little did I know I was probably doing things every day she was keeping track of because months later when I tried to rekindle our friendship she gave me a big long list of all the things I'd done wrong.

Anyway... We'd been on the bus, it was a long ride home from Cle Elum or something and I was next to Katharine. Katharine had been talking on the phone with RJ since we'd left and didn't care to hear it so I looked for another seat. Haley M. and I had just met a few days earlier, she was a junior and had a lot of seniority on the team because she was really good and I was attracted to that. Well, that and I didn't want to listen to Katharine's sweet nothings on the phone anymore, so I moved.

My mom always hated this picture because she says we look like lesbians. This was taken before a football game in my basement. 

Haley and I got pretty close quickly. She was an open minded person-- she had a lot of cool afterlife theories, zodiac books... She was just an all around fascinating person and she was always pretty nice to me. At the time she was dating Indy, and I thought he'd be jealous of all the time Haley and I were spending together. After actually dating Indy myself, though, I realize he really didn't give a damn either way. 

So this friendship with Haley progressed during September where we'd walk over to Indy's and hang out there, hang out at her place or mine; I didn't really think there were any problems. Unfortunately Katharine got pretty jealous of this new friendship Haley and I had, and on top of the other vices that she had against me, decided this was enough of a reason to attempt to destroy my reputation. 

The shit really hit the fan Halloween night. Katharine and I had made a new tradition (that we'd started my 8th grade year) that we'd spend Halloween together, act crazy and give out candy. She came over and everything was alright for the first couple hours or so until Indy and Haley unexpectedly showed up. 

I think Indy actually had to talk to my mom about something, like he wanted to visit, but of course once Haley was at the door I was more than happy to make our halloween party four people. When Haley and Indy didn't leave Katharine started to get really quiet and bailed. Me being naive, I didn't think about it and really thought she had to go somewhere. I stuck with Haley the rest of the evening until she went back to Indy's.

That night I went on MySpace and Katharine posted a blog entry that talked about her disgust with me. She mentioned that I was "spending time with Haley, who knows what they're doing... gross!" Or something like that, implying that I was gay and that everyone needs to know what this new friendship REALLY is. Celeste P. had commented, who was pretty popular in highschool and known for having a bit of a big mouth; no offense Celeste-- again this is when we were 15, 16 years old so it's not like any of this implies today. 

Katharine took down the blog when I called her house asking why the HELL she would post something like that. She was pretty quiet, she ended up taking it down but this was just the beginning of the rumor mill saying I was gay. It didn't bother me as much as it bothered my mom. 

I didn't dodge the "Easy freshman" entirely, but my situation was more complicated then just hooking up with guys at parties or something. I was in a full out mind game with Tony L., he'd call my phone almost every night and we'd talk on the phone for hours. It was the weirdest ass thing I'd ever experienced, I had no idea why he was talking to me, I KNEW we weren't actually going to date... Mainly because he had a girlfriend and he was way out of my league. He pretty much stated this. I'll never forget when he said...

"Emily you're hot, but not really right now because you're so young... You'll be hot when you're like 18 years old." 

I appreciate this compliment a lot, I was coming out of an awkward stage my freshman year. I just really didn't understand why he'd be talking to me, but I went with it. 

Things got REALLY bad with Tony, however, when he ditched talking to me to go for Ainhoa, the foriegn exchanged girl. At the time I was actually hanging out with Heather E.'s group, which Ainhoa was a part of. Ainhoa was on my soccer team too so we knew eachother rather well when I told her that "Tony is a player." BAD!!! BAD idea! Should not have done that, in a matter of hours the entire school felt like they were gunning for me. Maria E. told me what was about to come and it scared the shit out of me. 

Tony called, "WHAT were you thinking. Why the FUCK would you say that. You're the one that made that mock myspace account didn't you?! Just to talk shit!!" There was some mock myspace account that someone created that was saying Tony was a player, this was NOT me. Of course I didn't want to create waves with Tony, I was really intimidated by him (obviously, he had so much power and I had NONE. Nothing, I was 15 for god sake and had just lost my best friend). 

Ironically enough, I ended up dating Chino, Tony's cousin for about six months. My relationship with Chino was pretty bizarre, he was nineteen years old and didn't really know what to make of me. I was still sort of crazy because of my influence from Toren but he really just took me as I was. Chino was really attracted to me physically and didn't seem to care much for my other weirdness. He didn't really get my sense of humor but we did have some good times...

Chino was freaking loaded, all the time. I have no idea where he got his money but he used to shower me in dates and gifts... He'd shower himself in gifts too, I'd never seen anyone who wore more Buckle and Ed Hardy style stuff (this was before Ed Hardy was big, but he dressed so perfectly.) My mom loved Chino, she liked having him around because he was the type of guy SHE would have dated and liked me being with him. Dad wasn't so fond of it though because he thought Chino and I were gonna end up getting too serious. Nooo way, my brain back then was so loopy there's no way I would have taken anything too seriously; with Chino I was just along for the ride. 

Freshman year was also a year of a lot of failure in attempt at being school spirited. I tried a lot of things, I tried being class treasurer and had to come before a group of leadership Mormons that probably thought I was the anti-Christ for my crazy behavior and short shorts, needless to say I didn't get the spot. The Mormon girls also didn't like me because I had hung out with Evan B., this totally hot, picture perfect Christian whose family did NOT like me that I met at Freshman orientation. 

Basketball season was a nightmare. I was originally on C squad which was fun because I got a lot of playing time but when the school cut the program I was stuck on a large JV team... The coach benched me for entire games, it broke my heart because I loved basketball and thought it was my best sport. Of course I was on a team with Jessica Small who even if it was her first year playing got all the playing time. She was tall, and probably in all fairness a better player than I was. This was the start of a long chain of Jessica S. senselessly beating me in practically everything. I hated her. 

After the awful basketball season I tried out for cheerleading for the following year. Jessica tried out too. We got our results delivered to my English class (with Sterns, she liked me a lot). This was very embarrassing because there were three of us-- Jessica, Kim and I, that all openned them up to see if we made it. Jessica starts screaming and jumping up and down, "OMG I MADE IT!!!" I look down, I didn't. I sat quietly for everyone to leave before breaking down to Mrs. Sterns. Sterns told me, "Why the Hell do you want to be a cheerleader anyway, that's not you." She couldn't have been more right. 

After that though, I was like F*ck Ki-Be spirit, I hate it here. 

I wanted to quit. Everything. I wanted to die. I'd come home and scratch big gashes into my thighs until they bled. I'd scream and cry into my pillow and wish things would change. Luckily my wish came true, here I am 20 years old looking beautiful, successfully have my first college degree and shred the f*ck out of a guitar. It's taken so much pain to get where I am today. 

Again, I should have probably just changed schools. I should have just gone to Hanford or something and things would have probably been a lot easier but I'm happy to have lived through these experiences because it's made me a more well rounded person in the long run. 

In all this, at least I wasn't completely alone. For most of the year I had a place to sit for lunch because Heather took me in. I felt pretty fortunate of this.

Having Heather and her friends there made things a lot easier, it helped me blend in and feel I was part of some clique which is what I really needed at the time. 

The one good thing that happened freshman year was trying tennis. I was partners with Michaela and we barely won any games or had any coherence but at least I got to play all my matches and got some good playing experience for the following years. I ditched the partner game and decided to take up singles, Michaela was okay with it though because Chelsea E. had started playing. 

Well lets face it.... Freshman year was a BITCH. And this was actually an improvement from middle school. Tomorrow I'll do 14 and talk about 8th grade, the year I almost fell to my death. 

peace. 

Confirming registration with Central is now harder to swallow

I'm having a feeling CWU is going to be really gay, and I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision. Well, it's the easiest decision because it's less expensive than Western, I won't be moving eight hours, Western is pretty much entirely out of the question. But am I excited to go to Central? No. I was never excited about this stupid school in the first place and had no intention of going there until I realized how expensive Western would be. It kind of depresses me that I'm going to be going there. Western seemed like so much more of an exciting experience... Central just seems like, meh, whatever.

Oh well, it's pretty much what I'm stuck with. I promissed my parents I'd give it a year. The website makes it look so lame there though, I'm not excited at all. The only thing I'm excited to about is to get away from my job at Rite Aid. I don't really have any friends at Central, and I fear being isolated because I might not even get into the housing.

Fuck, I'm trying to figure out how to get this stupid deposit in for my confirmation. No matter how much I smoke I don't have any desire to do this, and days keep going by and I've been scared to take care of it. I don't want to confirm that I want to go there because the truth is that I don't, but I have no other choice. Shit, what did I do, my parents are now so stoked that I'm going to Central but I'm not happy about it at all. I just need to stop being so selfish and realize that my happiness doesn't matter and all that REALLY matters is that I get my degree so I can make my own money. If I moved much further it would be far too expensive and I'd be in way too much debt to feel happy elsewhere.

Maybe I'm not depressed about the Central thing at all, but I'm just tired, angry and lonely. No particular reason, aside from the general frustration from earlier in the week. I spent the afternoon with Samantha, we had a nice time cleaning and hanging out. I couldn't believe how filthy House was when we walked in, so I wanted to help out. Shawn and Sam's previous tension that I was used to seemed nonexistant, like now that they're living together their relationship seems much healthier. Ironic, you think it would be the other way around in most cases. I don't know.

I feel suffocated when I think about school. Western looks really neat but the truth of the matter is that I know hardly anything about it. I have not done ANY research on colleges since I graduated highschool and attended CBC. I pretty much just did what they told me, and carefully choose the classes I needed at CBC to get my degree there. I haven't, however, really looked into any universities. Probably because I'm not interested and the whole idea scares the shit out of me. . . the intimidation keeps me naive to actually doing any research on where I'm planning on going.

So yeah, no, not excited at all for Central. I'll say that here and now so I can look back on this and see if my opinions change of the place. But I'm not a catholic enough for Gonzaga, WSU is atrociously nasty, Western is way to far and rainy and Eastern is in my least favorite city in Washington. Central really is my only opinion, even if it seems boring as Hell there and I'll only be a short drive from home. I've just gotta try to make the best out of it I guess.

I just tried getting my confirmation fee in but the website is so confusing that I had a very hard time with it. The website interface makes absolutely no sense navigation wise and I simply don't have the patience to deal with any of it tonight. I hope that next time I try to do this I won't have such a shitty attitude but the stress of this makes me cringe.

My head is spinning; so many emotions tonight... stress, pain, loneliness, anxiousness, fear, shame, regret... it's all eating at my insides. My body is literally in pain from all the exercising I've been doing. The exercise helps me clear my head like the guitar does. I feel like this last week of depression has caused my health to deteriorate a bit and I feel like shit today. I feel such a hole in my overall wellbeing. Nothing feels right even if I'm literally doing all I can to make myself a better person and keep a better outlook on life.

I don't know what to do or why I feel this way. But I've gotta study my Japanese or i'm gonna fail my final tomorrow.

peace.

Made a boring day at home pretty productive, again.

People wonder why I exercise every single day. That right there.

Monday is now almost over.

I didn't really do much of anything all day. Got up around 10, read about forty or so pages of Memoirs of a Geisha (and I'll probably read more tonight), played my guitar for an hour and made some progress on both Inis Mona and cleaning up Schism.

My confidence in Japanese right now is so bad.... Chris posted some comment in Japanese and I couldn't read it at all. I mean I could read some words but it was just like my brain looked at it like it was the biggest annoyance imaginable. Like the characters looked like seeing something just hideously confusing. I've just lost all confidence in it. It's almost annoying to me now. Ever since I did shitty on that test, disappointed myself, FAILED. You guys understand what I'm dealing with now if I mess up on a test. I just feel like I can't even do it at all anymore and have no interest in continuing.

Todays been such a lonely ass day. I really haven't talked to anyone... Haven't texted anyone, so I guess it's sort of my fault I haven't talked to anyone. I just usually get texted first by people. I'll go days where I'm talking to people constantly and going out constantly, fun fun fun... then I have days where it's like, wow, nothing is happening. Well, I have tomorrow and wednesday for whatever I want to do because I'm not working, then I work on Thursday, and work during the weekend of course, then it's back to the old grind again and I'm not looking forward to my last quarter at CBC very much.

You know me, I'll make the most of it. I'm just SO done with that place. SO ready to move on...

I didn't even post on facebook that I've technically got my AA now. Reason being, I'm still gonna be going to that stupid ass school again next quarter. Secondly, it's like, wow, who cares, you've been there for three years, took you long enough. I mean my sister is probably going to have her AA when she graduates and she's only going to be 18. Her grades aren't as good as mine though, she's not as freaked out about it as I am.

I can't believe that it's only taken a few days of not being around my friends to feel like absolute crap. If I didn't have pot I'd probably be having an emotional breakdown, it's so stupid. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just try to relax and take things as they come.

I know! I'll exercise. That makes me feel better, every time. Take off this damn makeup, pull my hair up, and exercise for a good hour, then I'll play guitar for a good hour (making two hours today), and go to sleep. I'll feel awesome after that, guarenteed. : )

peace.

I give myself to you from the essence of my being. 38.

Last night was full of weird dreams.

Ones that I couldn't tell you in full detail because I didn't get straight up to write when I had it.

 The dreams were about rejection, being alone, and having a baby.

There were brief cutaways of being at parties. I was there with some other girls that I can't remember, but none of us were really a part of it. Like there were a bunch of people there having a good  time but we were kind of sitting out. I remember that someone I was really interested in was there but he clearly had no interest in me what-so-ever. Because of this, I wanted to leave, yet his friends kept on talking to me like, explaining what this guy was doing. It just made me sick about it.

After  being rejected by this guy I acted angry and rude toward Sean McIntyre and some other people from my Japanese class for some reason, you know people I see on a regular basis. It was like, for some reason Sean was at my kitchen table with his new girlfriend who "likes to play Warcraft" and for no reason I told her she looked like a slut, shortly after appologizing because I told her I thought she was someone else. I would never in my right mind straight out call a girl a slut unless she had REALLY wronged me.

Note: I *did* like Sean quite a bit in the past, actually around this time last year. I ended up rejecting him in the long run though, in the craziest sense possible. I should of just been honest with him and told him how awkward it would be to be in Japanese together for the next year if we were dating. It would be like a show for everyone in there. Ugh. Yeah, it took quite awhile for me and Sean to enjoy eachother's company again.

Back to the dream. I remember having a baby girl, and not taking care of her very well. Like she was clean and fed and everything but I probably wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. It was like I was resentful toward it. Well, I was *alone* in this dream, so obviously whoever knocked me up with it was out of the picture. I remember the baby was tucked in on my own bed when I came in and wondered why she didn't have a crib of her own. Could this have some significance? She started crying at the top of her lungs when I came in and uncovered her. But note, she was FINE this entire time. Like she was fed and clean, but I wasn't really giving her any love. The whole picture just looked like I wasn't ready for this and wished I still had my own life. I was also angry at whoever the father was because I was alone to take care of her.

That's all I remember of my ongoing dream last night. I don't remember any specific details, but the dream kept on coming back as I fell in and out of sleep because of coughing attacks. Vivid dreams like this are typically attributed by medicine, and last night I took some perscription grade cough medicine. I wasn't particularily sad or feeling anything about this subject last night. Actually, I remember thinking how happy I felt with all of the friends I've been making lately and how well, not lonely I've been.

I guess my subconcious wanted to remind me of that void in my life. Again. I don't think I'm crazy, and I try to repress this as much as I can because it really is the only thing I can do. This is probably going to be another year of being "alone," which is especially likely because I have a set time that I'm leaving and no guys that are my age that even want a girlfriend want something that is almost guarenteed to only have the possibility of lasting until I leave. But why do people insist on looking that far ahead? Why can't they just live in the moment? ...Not that I'm one to talk about "living in the moment." I study for three hours a day just to hopefully seal a successful, comfortable future for myself, and someday I hope I can look back and thank myself for all the hard work I've put in. Because of this I strive for perfection and look WAY more to the future than I probably should.

I feel like looking up the meanings to some of the main objects of my dream.

Custosy of http://dreammoods.com/



Baby Clothes. In the dream I remember seeing my baby's clothes that needed to be changed.

To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown.

This is so true! I have been growing a lot as a person. I've become a lot more secure with myself, more social, and I don't let nearly as many things and anxieties bother me anymore. I feel that I've become more self aware of how frantic I tend to act. I've also been trying to become more cafeful of anger flareups and becoming a better listener. Because I've realized, nobody really wants to hear me blather on about myself. They want to talk about themselves. This is why I have this blog.

Baby. To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you find a baby in your dream, then it suggests that you have acknowledged your hidden potential.

This is pretty true too. I have become a lot more secure with myself, and I'm no longer that afraid of what people think of me or humiliated about the past. That chapter of my life is over and with this new year I'm moving forward. But at the same time I was sort of mistreating that baby, as if symbolically I'm afraid of facing these new changes and something inside me is still scared and vulnerable.

To dream of a crying baby symbolizes a part of yourself that is deprived of attention and needs to be nurtured.

Well, this is obvious.

It's time to get going with my day.

Today's Friday which means I'm going to hopefully get some work done and play a lot of guitar. Other than that I don't have plans. I'd really like to get my hair dyed black, which was inspired by this picture that I saw on Suicide girls. I really think I could rock it. I feel it's time to stop worrying about what my mom and sister think and try something new.

I haven't talked to or seen Katelynn in a couple weeks now. It's weird, she completely flaked on Wednesday and didn't give me any heads up why she didn't end up coming over. I think it'd be a good gesture to bring over Alan's replacement CD today. Yeah, maybe it's a good idea to just go into town. I've got some errands to do. If anything, I could buy that hairdye at Sally's. Brad says he doesn't think it would look good on me, and immediately he's making me doubt it.

My biggest fear with dying my hair black is my mom saying "UR TRYING TO LOOK AZN!!!" or some stupid shit that she likes to say. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ASIAN, but this gives my mom ammunition to think that I do if I were to do this.

I just randomly started crying out of nowhere. I don't understand why this happens to me, everything is FINE. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I HAVE A TON OF FRIENDS. I'M DOING WELL IN SCHOOL. I hate depression, so much, I just gotta keep fighting.

peace.

How can I expect perfection if I don't work for it.

Every test that I've taken in the last week, I got a low B. Even on one of my Japanese quizzes. A low freaking B. You know what that says to me? It says Emily, you're not working hard enough, you're spending too much time procrastinating and hanging out with people that don't do much themselves.

I need to change, asap, because I can't let my grades fall down the shit hole. There is no reason that I shouldn't get A's in my classes, and the only thing that's going to keep me from it is if I continue to make the bad choices that I've been making. All I do lately is smoke, listen to music, hang out with friends and play guitar. I haven't been dedicating nearly the amount of time an effort needed to get the grades that I want. It's obvious that I need a change, so I think for the next couple weeks I'm going to make it a point to not go out and only do what I have to do: Work and study, and occasionally hang out with friends if they're willing to come to me. Because this drive out to pasco in the middle of the night to drink at Jessika's house literally got me sick and I was unable to pay attention for the last couple days.

I'm in the library right now. It's almost 2. Katelynn should be coming over around 7' or something so that gives me a good four hours or so to work. It's just a matter of getting started. I'm so disappointed with myself lately.

peace.

Keep praying, just keep waiting.. 32.

I've got $605 in the bank, and I'd prefer not to go under $500 by my paycheck next Thursday if I can help it. This means things are tight. Really cheap, as always. It probably wasn't nessasary for me to buy that vaporizor and spend 1/3 of my paycheck, but hey, I'm not too stressed about it. I've still got plenty of time to save up the $5,000 by the time I get out of here. Just little by little. I feel that recent splurge will last me a good long time, and it's going to be the only smoking device I'll need. Honestly, though, I've been trying to cut back on smoking period. I promissed myself that I wouldn't smoke this week until Friday. . .

That reminds me, Tyler Davenport invited me to go to a Theory of a Deadman concert with him at the Toyota Center. I intend on going but I'm gonna be honest you guys I can't name one song by them. I am probably gonna have to look up their music online tonight. I don't know if I'm in the current position to go, though, considering that I have so many tests this week, but he's got two tickets and seems to really want to go with me. Haha more than likely he'll flake out so I shouldn't worry about it.

All I know is they play on 97 rock a lot. The singer is pretty hot, though.

I'm so hungry. I'm probably gonna make these copies and go.

Today I have to get finished with some accounting assignments, research Provigil, study my kanji for a couple hours, and do a Visual basic project. OH, and I need to buy Alan a new Alice in Chains CD. First I need to gut my car to see if I can find it. That, and that Helter Skelter book that has been hanging over my head like a dead goose. If I wasn't such a spacy person I wouldn't have to pay for either of these things, but I lost Alan's CD and I lost the library book so that's probably going to be $40 out of my pocket in the long run. The library book can wait though, they've only bugged me about it once.

..But I have no idea where that book is. It could be under my seat, or I could of turned it in already.

Deep thoughts for today? Not really. My mom cut my bangs and I think they look cute. I feel pretty confident with myself today. Depression seems to be coming to a halt for the time being. This always happens at school. I'm almost too busy to be depressed. I guess this is why I love school, and hopefully someday I'll have a good enough career for myself to keep myself preoccupied as well.

I'm gonna go home and try to get as much work done as I can. I need to get started before I get more preoccupied and look down at the clock and it's 7'.

I now know how to play Holy Mountains all the way through, without screwing up, and without looking at tabs. That's pretty good. : ) Songsterr has definately been worth it so far. I started working on the song A.D.D. last night. System of a Down tabs seem to have certain patterns, and difficulty wise I'd say they're a little harder than Rammstein but easier than the Metallica I've tried to learn. Maybe it's harder for me to play Metallica because I don't like their music nearly as much as SOAD. Actually, I'd say I like about 60% of their songs, and the other 40% is annoying shredding.

peace.

Numbers might make me feel more stable.

Today is just another day.

This is the first sober blog I've done in awhile. Actually I'm intending on being sober for the next week.. at least until Friday. I really need to focus or I'm going to be screwed. Katelynn came over last night so of course I had to introduce her to the new vaporizor, but of course I didn't get anything done last night either. Today is different though, I can't afford for it not to be.

I've got some stuff to get done. Gotta do all those Japanese Kanji worksheets, study the new grammar, do accounting homework, and last but not least make flashcards for my Visual Basic vocabulary. I can do that, right? Right. Plan. Lets go. No more facebook for the rest of the day, it just makes me more depressed. I want to kick this depression and maybe studying will help. Today is the third day I've felt this way. At least there's no work-work until Thursday.

peace.

I'm using this picture as my first cover on the stupid facebook timeline. I switched to it to try it out and now it's not letting me switch back. How sad.

I'm selfish for even doing this.

My counting down the days will probably come to a halt, because again more than likely I'm going to have to push my time that I get out of here forward.

I brought up transfering in the Spring, and my dad literally started yelling at me about how it'd be STUPID to leave in the Spring because I'm just "gonna have to turn around and move right back in two months." And how the SMART idea would be to work for the spring and summer and THEN transfer.

No, that's a stupid idea. You want to know why? Because I'm a lazy piece of shit and if I ONLY work during the spring and summer you know what I'll do when I come home? NOTHING. Because I don't do ANYTHING without some kind of authority telling me what to do (unless it's exercising, the only acception). I'm not even kidding, without some kind of initiative of class or school, I won't study Japanese. I know that. So I'll end up forgetting pretty much everything I've learned and when I transfer in the fall I'll be scared shitless.

about 40 minutes later after talking to Brad, who always seems to make things better for some reason.

Okay, I just need to calm down. Everything will work out. I feel bad because Brad offered to give me some money to help me out for when I move, and I could never accept any money from anyone. Him and his wife Megan apparently decided on it, and I really hope I didn't somehow offend him when I refused. I can just never accept an offer like that from anyone unless it's from work, my parents, or a scholarship. I can't ever take money from my friends, especially someone like Brad whose done so much for me in the past. I mean, he saved my ass in Math 97, has given me a ton of advice, and has been there for me a bunch of times. He's an incredible person and I appreciate the hell out of him and Megan.

I just want to be happy. I wish that I could enjoy the time I have and enjoy life from a day to day basis instead of focusing on whats in the future because I never seem to feel happy about anything anymore. Depression is the hardest mental disability to deal with because it just never lets up. It's like a bad itch that never goes away or a really cold breeze that hits you every so often but no matter where you go you can't escape it.

I don't know why I'm just on the verge of tears tonight. I just feel like I've become a burden on people because of my poor attitude and outlook on things. I put up a pretty good cover at school but once I'm talking to someone that I feel will actually listen my true colors tend to let loose. I'm afraid that people like Shavonne, Brad, Katelynn, Katharine, even Samantha-- people that have listened to a lot of my issues and rants will eventually just be like, "Fuck you, everyone has problems. Get the fuck over yourself." Because this is what I continually think to myself when I write on this blog.

I'm trying so hard to shake this, trying to get over these feelings of depression and I just want them to go away. I know that I have no room to complain when I live a good life, don't live in a third world country, I have food to eat, I take things for granted. I am spoiled. I am selfish. I already know this. But why does my own mind put me through such anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness and emptiness? Why does it put me through this Hell on a near daily basis? Will leaving the tri cities make a difference? Will it always be this way?

I guess that's my own decision.

My blog is becoming very redundant and I don't think anyone should read it. I will probably make it private soon. Though this blog is very therapudic for some reason and I don't think it would have the same effects if it was private. I just need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to get up very early to study Japanese. I usually feel good after I study, like I feel accomplished.

peace.

Nothing in the world I hate more.

Adderal is out of my system now, and I feel like my regular, miserable self again.

It was nice to feel normal for a couple days, though during one of the days I made a huge mistake and now I'm kicking myself over it. But regret is pointless. As the thought of it continually harasses me and buzzes around in my head, I feel that there isn't much that can make me feel lower at this point.

Fortunately, my dad is going to show me how to list things on Ebay this weekend so I'll be making some money at least and will have something to fill my time. Today I had a migrane and slept, a LOT. Couldn't find the motivation to do anything. I had a doctors appointment and explained my circumstances with the help of my mom, and she gave me a survey to fill out. She's going to grade the survey and hopefully I'll have my prescription for Adderal by Friday. I hate that I'm potentially going to be diagnosed with another mental disability.

But then I got to thinking, perhaps ADHD is a huge contributor to my self esteem itself. I am never satisfied with anything I do, which is a symptom of ADHD. Then the fact that my mind always seems cluttered by useless, irreverent bullshit that either makes me feel down on myself or humiliated. This is what I'm feeling now, and writing about it might make things a bit better.

My aunt Ellen made me feel a lot better about this with a comment that she recently made to me on an entry I made last week.

"I absolutely wouldn't want to go through being your age again for any amount of money. It's not an easy time. Depression makes it much harder. I speak from experience. It will get better. Really. That's not me just trying to say something nice. It really will get better."

She wrote a lot more but this immediately made me feel better tonight. Though it's not anything different then say, my mom has said, she has actually been through what I'm going through. People that have never been through depression do not understand how difficult it is to overcome. Things ARE turning around though. I've decided this, and I think that is the first step-- to DECIDE that things are going to get better.

Because the way that I look at it, this is MY life, and what matters is ME because that is all that matters in the end. I should stop obsessing on things that have happened before because more then likely I am the only one that remembers them, as they play over and over in my head like a broken record.  I'm not saying that I need to be vain, but I need to feel content with what I have and what is happening currently in my life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying TOO much about the future. Because it seems like at every stage of my life so far, I've been miserable and telling myself that things will get better at other times.. In middle school I always told myself things would get better in highschool, and they did, but I was still unhappy. Then I said college would be better, and now at CBC things ARE MUCH better than highschool. So why am I still feeling this monthly depression?

This is why I take medication.

Because really, taking a look at my background and my past, this is never going to get any better without help. I have a chemical imbalance. It's a disease. I'm sitting here, ranting to this blog again. Rantrantrant. Fuck. I am so tired of this. 

My sister is being a whiny little shit about her car, or lack of one. Whah whah Emily got a car before she got her license, oh whah I have to save money! Whah I have a bunch of cute guys that are constantly coming over and telling me how great I am, whah! Whahhhh I have a ton of friends and I'm popular, whah!

She has a job that she lucked out in getting because my mom handed it to her. So she has to save for her first car, and so she's bitching to my parents about it continually and making everyone on eggshells. Because of this, my mom has been letting Avery use my van and she's been using my car, which means I'm stuck in my house until one of them gets home. Sometimes my mom doesn't get home until 6', and my sister is always going someplace too. Now my DAD wants to take my car tomorrow. 

Shit my mom needs the computer...

yours,

Emily

 

Adderall.

I need to make this quick because I have an hour and eighteen minutes to write this. My mom's computer is going to die, and because I'm timed I feel a little rushed.

Yesterday was incredible. Fantastic. Amazing. I really can't begin to describe how it felt to finally have a day like this, and I think it contributes to adderall. What happened was, when me and Corey were driving home from school, we started talking about ADHD and how he has it and how it's effected him. He told me that it makes it really hard for him to focus in school, which I can relate too.. Sometimes, when I'm studying my Japanese, I'll write the vocab words over and over and over and while doing so while space off and think of something else, then come back and realize that I hadn't absorbed the word that i'm writing. Anyway, this was just one of many examples that we were running off.

He told me that he takes an ADHD medicine called Adderall that has dramatically improved his life because it has helped his grades, helped him study, and his confidence. I explained to him that I take an anti-depressent called Paxil, and I am currently looking to find another anti-depressent because Paxil does not help me at all anymore. This last week when I was almost chronically depressed, I was still taking Paxil, and I got the feeling that it does not help me at all anymore. He told me that Adderall can work as an anti depressent as well. He offered me one, and I took it. I was convinced. ***note: He did not PUSH it on me, but after talking to me about it and explaining my distaste with Paxil, I thought I'd give it a trial shot. This was all me.***

At first, I felt nothing. We got back to my house and I made us some corn dogs from the freezer, which he apparently likes-- ick. Suddenly, about forty-five minutes after we got home, I felt an incredible wave of calm. All of my negative thoughts suddenly melted. I felt calm, content, NORMAL. We spent most of the rest of the time we spent together talking and watching south park, then we had to go pick up my broken down car out in Kennewick.

After Corey (who is a lifesaver for driving me not only to and from school but out to get my car) left, I laid down for a bit and read for awhile until Katharine came over. Me, my mom, and Katharine all sat around and talked and my mom said she noticed a significant improvement in my attitude. At first I said that this all had to do with the fact that I felt like the weight of finals had been off my shoulders, but then I admitted to them that I had taken Adderall. They said that though I was a lot sweeter, I didn't act out of the ordinary. Katharine said that her brother was taking adderall again for his ADHD and he has lost a sufficient amount of weight and his confidence is up.

Honestly, I don't know if I have or don't have ADHD, and if I started taking Adderall it would be for an anti-depressent and a way to get off of paxil. I've done some research and there are some obvious pros and cons to it:

Pros:
-Today they kicked my depression's ASS. I can't even describe how calmed down and happy I felt. I felt like a ton of weight was off my shoulders.

-It does help you focus. Corey said that it is used as a "study-drug" because people take it to help them study for tests. I get pretty good grades already, but it'd be nice to be able to retain information better without having to cram so hard with little success because of the amount of distractions.

-If it's as good as it seems, could dramatically improve my life overall.

Cons:

-It's 3 f'ing AM and I'm wide awake. I've been awake all day, and yet I can't sleep now. That's a little scary but I think if I got a tolerancy to the drug and took a lower dosage this wouldn't be a problem (the one I took was 25 mg, and I took it in the afternoon).

-Decreased appetite. This is sort of a good thing and a bad thing but I do not crave food at all, yet all I've had to eat all day is two small bowls of cereal. This is very unusual for me.

-Some people on a "Adderall Side Effects" page are saying that while using it, it led to dependence and continually increasing their doseage until they were having hallucinations and such. I think honestly anybody could do this with any drug. I mean, I could of gone to the doctor and asked for higher doses of Paxil when I got depressed.

That's all the information I've discovered on it so far. A lot of the stories on the Adderall reviews page are contradictory, and people keep asking questions if the drug can lead to random side effects like joint pain and hair loss. I don't know, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it. I'd really like to get off of Paxil, especially with Spring break here and all.

yours,

Emily