We were robbed.

Afternoon everyone.

Well I've finally got a computer again. The last 3 weeks I've been using Jacob's computer which didn't allow me much free time with it. Who's Jacob? My new boyfriend who I'm now living with and have been for the past three weeks. Crazy? Yes. Regret it? No, it's been an awesome three weeks for the most part. Aside from the major setback that happened last night.

I guess it took something traumatic to happen to get me blogging again. The last entry I wrote was in the middle of a complete sh*t storm caused by meeting some blue collar dude at a party and making his ex girlfriend blow a f*cking cork because I was hitting on him. In hindsight I'm glad I didn't get a chance to meet him again because I might have fallen for someone who totally wasn't the right one for me in the first place.

Jacob and I met in micro class. He was sitting in the front corner during Gray's difficult lectures and I was sitting towards the back with my mouth shut at this point. I couldn't follow the math and the homework was getting harder and harder. It was at this point I came to Jacob and asked for help. We met later that day at the library, then went and got coffee, then kept hanging out from there. This weekend is the first time we are going to be apart since we met eachother, which is also crazy.

I'll tell you guys more about Jacob later. I want to get to the story of devastating news that has me so paralyzed by shock/disgust even to this minute. I know I need to clean the apartment and get work done but it's too easy to sit at the computer and keep an eye on Craigslist listings and network with people who might know something.

Here's a picture of Jacob. He took me out on a really nice date last night, we went to dinner and then saw Fiddler on the Roof which was really good because it was about Jewish people getting kicked out of Ukraine like our past relatives did. Jake is half Jewish and really spiritual. He's helped me get in touch with my own spirituality again and has been teaching me about the kabala. He's a total genius, too.. I'm so in love. ANYWAY.

The robbery story:

Last night when we got home the door to our apartment was WIDE open. There was garbage on the floor and drawers pulled out. Jacob's TV stand was pulled out from the wall and the TV was missing, along with his two xboxes, his sound card, all of his x box games, and laptop with all of his schoolwork from the past 5 months. He threw his shirt off in anger and stormed around in a rage.

Shortly after I noticed the prick took not just one but BOTH my guitars and my amplifier. Luckily they didn't take my big bulky old computer. I'm thankful I even have a computer. I lost my composure and started almost wailing when I saw my guitars were gone. But something stopped me from crying and the second Jacob told me to be quiet because he feels like breaking down. Because I realized that even if what I lost was sentimental to me, Jacob and Charlie lost so much more.

Charlie is Jacob's roommate. His room got hit the hardest.

 

His entire shoe collection was stolen, along with his emergency savings hidden in his sock drawer. 

The black is from the cops dusting for finger prints. Whoever did this was wearing gloves. These are career criminals that knew what they were doing and it's more than likely our stuff is getting pawned off and sold for drug money as I write this. But I can't dwell on the past. I have to be strong and create a better future for my boyfriend and I. I am going to do everything I can to find a part time job starting tomorrow. Today I'm going to get the apartment totally clean.

peace.

Love is a tragedy. All that I have, all that I'll ever need ...

Is right here inside

Let the winds of freedom be my guide

(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)

Afternoon readers.

Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.


This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.

I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.


It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.

Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.

But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.

...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.

peace. 

I can't compete with Hawaii

I can't say "I HATE Hawaii", because hello, it's f*cking gorgeous there.

Unfortunately it feels like a planet away from the Tri-cities and that's where Joel is moving in the next month.

Joel is amazing. The main reason I haven't been writing as much was the extreme stress and depression I was dealing with at the beginning of this month thinking nothing in my life was ever going to change. I felt like there was nothing to look forward to. I didn't go out and have fun for weeks before Joel and I met. I generally spent most friday and saturday nights drawing, playing guitar and drinking beer. I was so bored. 

Then all of a sudden this f*cking incredible guy comes into my life who really likes me. Like he tells me all the time how beautiful and perfect I look, how impressed he is by my intelligence and talent, he likes my cooking...(lol). We like watching the exact same kinds of TV shows-- fucked up people and adult cartoons like Family Guy and King of the Hill. He's been watching King of the Hill for years and we just sit and quote shows and laugh our asses off. 

We've been working our asses off at forecasting and economics the past couple weeks and it's been extremely stressful but just being together makes it fun. It seems like we have fun doing anything and don't get sick of eachother at all. He's cocky as hell and thinks he's hot and knows and says that I'm hot(unlike Terry who I originally was attracted to for a lot of the same qualities). 

He makes me feel happy, special and worthy. He didn't grow up with a mom and hasn't lived at home since he was 16 so he's always so appreciative when I cook awesome food for him. He takes care of himself and works out. He's also very humble and non-judgmental. Like the other night we went over to Kat's house and he was playing around with her autistic son Jet and swinging him around and I've never seen him so happy. 

He's 27 so I know he's thinking about the next stages in his life. He would be an amazing father and he's going to be so handsome for manymanymany more years.... It's like we both think the other one's perfect and he's seen me looking like shit in the morning. 

I'm just not used to these kind of emotions. Part of me is loving everything about this but a huge part of me is also very sad because I know it's not going to last. You know he's going to move to Hawaii with Matt this summer and I'll probably never see or hear from him again. I mean yeah we might kid eachother by texting every so often or send pictures like me and Jack did when he moved up to Ellensburg but I know how that shit works. 

He's going to be living in fucking paradise surrounded by gorgeous, tan women and I'm going to be stuck in the tri cities again trying to find some stupid job and driving back and forth and back and forth and smoking shitty weed. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of my life there. In a lot of ways I'm sick of my life here but when I met Joel I've finally felt that satisfaction that I've been longing for these past, what, five years of complete bullshit and garbage from the men I thought I "liked"? 

I was definitely happier alone than with complete morons, that is obvious. But unfortunately now I've realized that I feel happier with Joel then alone. And knowing he's going to be gone in less than a month is quite painful in and of itself but I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts

peace. 

Open relationships? Fuck that

What a horrible disappointment my last couple days have been.

I guess it's nothing new whenever I meet a guy I like. There's always some issue that keeps us from being together. This case was especially difficult because I had misjudged his intentions and what he was looking for. God, to be honest I don't even want to tell you guys about this because it just makes me sick but I know that doing so will make me feel better like always because it helps me put things into perspective.

This guy Ben that I met the other day is in an "open relationship," which basically means he has a girlfriend but they're allowed to hookup with and pursue other people. The first time I heard about this it made me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to have to share someone with somebody. But then I realized how much Ben and I had in common and enjoyed eachothers company so I let it go. I figured the reason he was doing this is because he was looking for an upgrade from his current girlfriend, isn't that why people normally cheat? Because they're not as happy with the person that they're with and would rather find someone else?

Apparently not. Ben informed me today that he wasn't trying to date me because he's unhappy or has any intention of leaving his girlfriend. Instead he wanted to do it because "dating is fun" and him and his girlfriend both "like the experience" of being with other people. But with an understanding that he has no intention of ever leaving his girlfriend. I'm just like, what the f*ck is the point of that for me? You don't expect that if you're spending time and dating someone that they're not going to develop feelings for them and that it could become a very painful situation?

Apparently him and his girlfriend don't see it that way. 

And I know I probably sound like the most shallow person on earth right now but come on. Big nose, no jawline, small eyes, ears that stick out, red hair and unclean looking teeth-- oh plus her hair is Miley Cyrus short now on top of it which doesn't help. When he started pursuing me recently I didn't let the fact that he had a girlfriend bother me because I figured well duh, I'd be a huge upgrade. But then today after asking him questions about their life together I realized that he really does love her and I can't do anything to change that. And the more I spent time with him the more it bothered me until the jealous, competitive side started coming out which isn't a side I want anyone to see.

But yeah what a complete mind fuck that was. I'd never invest time or emotions in a guy that's in an open relationship. It just sucked because I thought he was really cute and seemed to really "get" me but I need to realize that he doesn't even know me and nothing about this reflects badly on me.

So have whatever you want buddy. You guys go be in love and be happy and serenade her with your  sappy acoustic love songs.

damn it I can't help but long for the day that I have a boyfriend that wants to play me sappy acoustic love songs. Or maybe one that can just be decent by showing me the kind of affection and appreciation that I'm dying for so badly. 

I have to be strong. I have to not let this kind of pain and confusion get under my skin. Part of me is just scared. Scared that I'll never find anyone that I'm truly attracted to that wants me back. I guess all I can do until then is make myself as intelligent, skilled, beautiful and rich as possible in order to make myself worthy of that person.

peace.

This is karma. It is not my turn.

I'm having a difficult night.

I guess you could say I felt lonely all day. I got done with two tests, both of which I'm sure I aced and was feeling pretty excited about that but I wasn't really thrilled about having the rest of the day with no plans of doing anything. I felt a sort of sad sense of longing. I hate that feeling.

I talked on the phone with Katelynn for two hours. She's having kind of a rough patch right now because she has not been able to find a job, doesn't have internet access, and is feeling like she needs to get out. I know the feeling. I feel like I need to get out more too, but usually I'm too tired from all the study I do.. that and I don't know where to go or who to go with half the time. I just sort of go where I feel there's a purpose to be accomplished... I go out when I need something.

Tonight I felt like I needed something that I can't have.

I texted Jack, who had texted me around the 1st saying he wanted to start spending time together. Having been with Brendan at the time I said no, but after that didn't work out... yeah. I had tried texting him the other day and his responses were extremely slow. Figured I'd try one more time today, I just said "Hey, what's up?" and he didn't reply. Two hours later, I'm like, okay, seriously what the Hell, you initiated my attention a little over a week ago, now you're blowing me off. He tells me he's now seeing someone else.

This is karma. Right here. This is fate. Right now I am feeling loneliness and pain. Perhaps I caused Brendan the same feelings when I broke things off to deal with my feelings for Jack and now this.

God is fair. Everything happens for a reason. Me and Jack aren't meant to be together, but for some reason my feelings for him have withstood for years, and years.. because I've yet to find anyone that I'm more attracted too. And it doesn't help that every few months he texts me out of the blue like we're going to start spending time together and it goes nowhere. Or this happens, he finds another girl he's interested in directly after talking to me. This has been going on for years. I'm so tired of it, it hasn't been my choice to feel this way but it's something I've had to deal with because of it.

The fact that he's with someone else will make it a lot easier to put thoughts of him away for good, now. I hope he's happy. Really, I've just got to move on. It's just hard. Yang Haiying said in one of my favorite videos about love and confidence that if it doesn't work out to move on, because that is karma, and to accept it.

For this reason I've accepted everything that's happened to this point in my life as being perfect in getting me where I am today. God has someone wonderful in store for me, I just have to accept that it is not my turn. Maybe I have more work to do to deserve that person. Jack is not that person. I cannot change how he feels. There is nothing I can do but pray for peace in my life, do the best I can to be a good person, and feel content with each day as it is.

peace.

5 more days of naked skin.

Even if it's only 10:15 AM I'm going to write.

Nothing out of the ordinary will happen today. My to-do list for the day is:
1. Read the last legal chapter.
2. Math- 30 minutes of studying..
3. >90 minutes of guitar
4. Couple problems from accounting assignment.

Last night I started the Chapter 15 assignment and got a couple out of the way. God, I've been trying to practice these flash card but these formulas are very difficult to remember. So I'm sure I'll spend about an hour and a half-two hours on accounting today. I actually need to give some TLC to my other classes though because I've been slacking in law. I've got my LAST Cengage assignment to do today, as well as print the study guide. 

God, Jessika posted something just rude as Hell as her status yesterday. I'll post it:
I no longer congratulate anyone who gets engaged..instead i say good luck? no seriously. you need it

I'm like, haha okay jealous much? I honestly don't know many people that can act as repulsive as she does. It's like, yeah I'm sure your friends that have recently gotten engaged really appreciate your blessing, hahaha. 

A lot of people might wonder why I leave Jessika on my friends list if I "don't like her." Though I can honestly say I would never spend time with her again, I won't say I don't like her. I neither like or dislike her. But she is an inspiration for me. She's a "friendemy," the type of person that would take pleasure in seeing me fail... 

Which is just another reason I work as hard as I do. Sometimes when I absolutely do NOT feel like studying, I'll go onto the profiles of my "friendemys" and see what they've been up too or look at their photo. Typically doing so inspires me to study. So I'm actually thankful for Jessika, having had her in my life I now have one more reason to succeed. 

So for this reason, my few friendemys hold as much importance to me as my everyday friends/acquaintances. Jessika stopped being my friend (though we were never close) about the time I started getting good at guitar. She couldn't take that I had self confidence. Damn right. :)

...Because I do have confidence, regardless of the shit I've dealt with in trying to find a working relationship. It's sad to say I've always wanted one these past two years and I've just been mixed up with the WRONG men... Almost all of which I now realize are WAY below my league. Creepy mother fuckers that took advantage of my insecurities in 2011. Not anymore. 


Since the beginning of 2012 the guys that I've liked have been a BIG change from 2011 standards wise. I mean the guys that I've liked this year just haven't worked out because either A) I was leaving (like Josh K.), or B) Our personalities didn't "click.." (like Jason T.) or C) They're indecisive morons (like Jack O. or most recently this guy Jed...) God, the J names, hahahaha..

So that's actually an improvement from 2011. I know in my heart things will get better eventually. It's a matter of finding a guy who's good enough for me now. Not many guys can deal with having a girlfriend who's as independent as I am. It intimidates them. 

I don't care. All I know is I love who I am and what I've become with music...

This tattoo is going to be a declaration of that. Sometimes I don't even believe that I do play. Like I'll practice and even if it sounds awesome it's like I don't give myself the credit that "Yes, this is ME playing this..." Now that I'm getting into more improvisation I will be able to give myself more credit as a musician. It's something that will give me a daily reminder that..

This is who I am. In less than a year I can't believe how far I've come, and sometimes I think how fast it's happened is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time believing it. 

I believe I was blessed with much of the same makeup as my Grandpa Dennis Brown's brain. He played  guitar as well, and according to my Grandma's friend Mark he learned extremely quickly... just like me! He also loved history, knew an insane amount of information that's... sometimes not entirely relevant to everyday life but he still took the time to learn it. Again, that's just like me. 

He lived stoned. He had panic attacks. He was loved by many. He was Jewish. I miss and think about him almost every day and it makes me tear up just thinking about him now because he's given me so much in life. Even if he passed away when I was in the 5th grade, I feel like he's living on with me in spirit.

When I have trouble sometimes I will pray and ask my ancestors to tell me the right answers to my problems and give me guidance via intuition. Sometimes I will meditate, focusing my mind on the brain stem and my opening heart chakra. 

I will visualize my problems-- whether it's with guys, anxiety, whatever, then by opening my heart chakra I'm submitting myself to God and my ancestors to give me answers to these problems. Usually when I come out of meditation I know the right answer. So I believe in my heart that I am loved in alternate dimensions and that the spirits of those that have lived before me have given me an opportunity to live this life and they are willing to give me the answers if I ask. 

November was the month that my Grandpa passed away so this time of year can be very hard but spiritually I feel quite at peace. 

peace. 

I was hoping this would have a happy ending but it's over.

It's over...

I was hoping this would have a happy ending, but no, that's the end of Jed. I texted him this morning asking him if he would like to hang out at some time today and he told me, "Uhm so I started seeing this girl, an old friend of mine, hope this won't make things awkward between us."

...What? Wow. That's his decision. All I could say was that okay... Like have a nice life. If we pass eachother I'll give him a closed mouth smile if we make eye contact and keep walking as if we were complete strangers again. Note that he's seeing this girl after he told me he doesn't want a relationship, which is the really painful part. I almost wish he hadn't have told me he was seeing someone else.

I'm okay though, as I've said before, either these things work out or they don't. In this case, I really liked him but apparently he felt more strongly for this other girl so he's making that choice. There's nothing I can do about it so I just have to accept it and move on.

It's just depressing, as always. I'm starting to feel like I'm over it, I have a way of blocking out things like this very quickly. He probably wasn't perfect for me anyway. If he was I'd probably be a lot more sad than I am right now. I mean I've cried off and on today, but honestly my crying isn't for Jed.

It's more just crying because I didn't get a chance.. I no longer allow myself to develop feelings for people to the degree that I would cry simply because I'd want them back. I'll forget about Jed himself in no time, now that he's cut off he's completely insignificant in my life. That is relaxing because I don't have to worry about if I'm talking to him or not.

The tears are from loneliness. My heart feeling more and more numb as time has passed. I've truly learned to love myself in all of this because I've held myself together in my own circumstances to the outside world much better than I ever would have envisioned. I think of how I'd let the depression from loneliness get to me a year ago where I'd make the dumbest decisions, but now that I'm almost two years in I've learned to cope with it.

Well Katelynn just called! I already had the brunt of the emotions earlier today so I'm actually feeling a little better... This will help too.

peace. 

What does being in love even feel like?

Well my studying today paid off.

For the first time on a Wednesday I didn't feel completely lost in my classes... except for Math, the way that he's teaching us functions has me completely lost, and by the looks of it half the class is in the same boat. He actually called on me today saying, "You don't get it." Why do professors always read that on my face?

Here's what's on the menu this upcoming week:
-Accounting test on Monday
-Ch. 5/6 test due Tuesday for law (I'll get this done easily)
-Have the ability to not only understand functions but be able to graph them. That's going to be an absolute nightmare.

So right now obviously accounting should be the first priority but really this weekend is going to focus more on getting caught up on math. I absolutely cannot get behind on this because Montgomery goes FAST and I need to be on top of what he's saying to pass that class. I don't consider my first test grade much of a success because he's going to have tests semi-regularly now and the material is going to get harder and harder five days a week. It's not like Accounting and law where I have a day.

Ideally, this weekend I'd like to study about five hours a day. That's what I've been doing lately, 3-5 hours and I've been keeping up pretty well. It's a full time job, I'm lucky if I even have time to play guitar.

This weekend I'm going to have lunch with Reina, maybe going to movie night with Sarah H. and *maybe* jamming with this one guy I met named Adam and his bassist. The later two depend on how much work I've gotten done for the day.

Love has been bothering me a lot lately. Today this really sweet Thai girl that's in my accounting class asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that she couldn't believe that I didn't because I'm "so pretty." I really wish that dictated anything but it doesn't. Yeah, I guess it would increase my chances of a particular person that I'm attracted to being physically attracted to me back but does it actually increase my likelihood of finding someone that's right for me? No, probably not.

So I posted that picture shown above today to sort of show my depression/feeling of hopelessness about it lately. It makes me want to cry every almost every day at some point, even if everything else in my life is going well... It's a burden, and it's been getting worse, particularly in the evenings when I'm stressed out about classes and want someone to talk to.

I just try to fill that void in my life with the guitar, in some way it makes me feel loved because it's a daily reminder of how much I should love myself. Seriously what person is f*cking crazy enough to play the guitar three hours a day for five months straight until she knows how to shred? Apparently I am, and I'm happy to carry that title that I've still been playing for less than a year. Imagine how good I'll become if I stay single for another year (hahaha). That really has been the good that's come out being alone has been truly finding my own identity at such a young age. I don't have many questions about who I am, what my plan is in life, what strengths and weaknesses are... Not very many 21 year old's can say the same.

I'm starting to realize how many coping devices my mind has found to deal with these feelings these past couple years. My excessive studying, my three hours of guitar playing, my exercising... All of it boils down to wanting a HIGHER self worth, trying to improve so that I don't care if I have anyone or not. All I need is me. And it's worked, I look back in 2011 when I used to get completely disrespected by men and I'd put up with it because I didn't think I deserved any better.

But I've found there really is no way of making your mind completely stop thinking about it, no matter how much you try to suppress it, because it's not natural. There's something instinctively that drives us to find companionship in another human being, and when you don't have it for a certain amount of time your mind begins to bother you until you go out and make some stupid mistake (like settling for someone) just to feel loved again.

And that's what I've tried to avoid more than anything with the guitar is to stop needing it to the point that I would settle for someone else. I've set my standards at a certain place and refuse to deter from them because it would be a waste of time. That, and, after being single for two years I'd like to wait until I find someone that actually has potential to become "love."

Because I've never been in love. I've certainly been attracted to guys, I've dated, been in some relationships (most of which I couldn't say improved my life but actually caused MORE problems/stress/depression that I was HAPPY when it was over).. but I've never been in love.

And it's hard.

It's painful.

It's distracting.

But there's nothing I can do about it and there's no end in sight. 

I think the reason that it's bothering me now more than ever is because I've become so satisfied with the direction that my life is going that I feel like now would be the appropriate time for that aspect of my life to give me just a *little* satisfaction but I guess not yet. 

And for that reason I fucking hate the phrase "It will come when you least expect it."  because the longer you wait the more you want something good to happen.

That's all I really had to say. It was literally the first thing I thought of this morning and now I'm not going to let it be the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It's 8:05 pm, I think tonight I'll study an hour of math and play guitar, probably go to sleep around 11'. I'd say I've got a "big day of study" tomorrow but because it seems like every day is like that here. Still, because I have no plans other than my math class I'm shooting for six hours tomorrow. 

peace. 

Since arriving here, my dating pool has shrunk...My honest standards of attractiveness.

I don't think about love very often. When I do it's typically when I'm stuck walking alone, not playing my guitar and without my head in a book...

When I do though I must write about it, otherwise it sits like a bad taste in my mind and disturbs anything else I'm trying to accomplish. I sometimes wonder how long it could possibly be like this.

Cheers. Here I am today, 11:55 am looking a little winded after walking back from the library. 

I studied there for an hour and a half. 

It's not like I don't know I'm beautiful, as lame as that sounds to say. I used to be insecure about my looks because I thought that was one of the main problems but over the past couple years I've come to realize that looks isn't it at all. I don't let my body become an excuse either, as I work out nearly every day and I'm in the greatest shape I've ever been right now. So looks in itself is not the problem, if I met a guy that I was attracted too I feel I'd have a pretty good shot at it, even if he's a "Tyler F." (bah haha, that's kind of a joke, Tyler F. was this guy I crushed on all through elementary and middle school and I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to get him. In reality, it probably more had to do with my incredibly insecure behavior and social awkwardness at that age)

It's also not like I don't have guys that are attracted to me. I get lots of comments from admirers on facebook, not like this is something to brag about, guys comment tons of pictures saying girls are hot, but I've honestly had a lot of people tell me they think I'm "Beautiful" so I'm willing to start believing it, so I know that guys DO like me and would want to date me if they had the opportunity.

The fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years more has to do with MY choices, almost all of which were bad ones (but hey you learn from your mistakes). My main problem is that I'm not attracted to many guys so when I do find one that I'm attracted to I'm willing to push aside ALLLLLL of the things that bother me. Suppress the bad, try to think about the good. It never works, I end up finding these faults that bother me and cut things off.

I know what it feels like to be satisfied in a relationship because I have briefly a couple times in my life. Thinking way back to when I was sixteen, Connor and I clicked and had a pretty good run. He was obsessed with something I didn't understand at the time so that ended up driving us apart.

But the time that we actually spent together was pretty good-- we'd hold hands in public (DUN-DUN-DUN!!!), he didn't mind bringing me around people (I actually met a lot of people because of Connor), didn't act like I was an inconvenience to him and actually LIKED having me around. We'd have good conversations. I have not had any kind of relationship like this in five years now.

Which is why I'm so numb. Why I don't have faith in anything and just live each day for the absolute fullest alone because that's all I've got. Because I can't sit here and act like nothing is wrong because it is always sort of a void that lingers there and bothers me from time to time. Love should be important to everyone but for me it's an inconvenience at this point in my life.

Because I look around here and there's nobody. Not one guy-- except for Jason, but I initially wasn't even that attracted to him and he had to grow on me with his intelligence before I found him sexy in the slightest, that I've seen that was particularly attractive and thought, "Hey, I would LOVE to go out of my way to talk to that guy and perhaps hopefully start texting." The thought has not even crossed my mind. I don't think this makes me a shallow person, it's just nobody wants to be with someone they're not attracted to and it's really hard for me to find someone that I would want to be with for that reason.

You might think, how is that even possible? To be honest, I don't know. I wish I did. I am going to try to create, right here and now, where my definition of attractive seems to lay...

My Honest Standards

of Attractiveness

Disclaimer: Personality is the absolute most important factor to ever consider when you're deciding if you want to be with someone. I would never be with an idiot, stupidity makes people extremely UNattractive, yet another reason why it's hard for me to find someone even relatively close to what I'd find ideal in a man.

1. Must be 5'7 or taller. 

And if they are 5'7 need to be pretty good looking for me to even consider it. I like taller guys, period. There's not very many of these around here, in fact I've never seen more short guys in one place than I've seen at Central this year. (short= as tall or shorter than me) 

2. Must not be fat or badly out of shape.

I'm not attracted to fat guys at all, period. I take extremely good care of my body and would expect whoever was dating to have the discipline to work out on his own, it shows that he actually cares about his physique too. It seems like so many guys just plop themselves in front of the couch all day playing video games and their body and features become doughy and ugly. 

3. I prefer brown or black hair. 

I've only been completely attracted to one blonde, that guy I met that one time at the Toyota Arena. He was GORGEOUS, I was so disappointed when we never talked again. So some blondes are okay, but generally speaking I like dark hair.

4. Slender facial features

Nice jaw line is always a plus. 

Period. Everything else is personality and intelligence.

just a couple examples that fall within this range....

Here's a picture of a guy that I would think is extremely attractive.

Again I'm not saying he'd HAVE to look like this, it's just always been hard for me to pinpoint what I like because I like so few. 

Jay, the only guy I was really attracted to from the tri cities for the past two years or so. Notice he has all of the features listed above. I thought there'd be more Jay's in college but there's definitely not around here.

Knowing my own standards has made it dawn on me that there's a good chance I could be alone for a very long time. I refuse to fall below my standards because I don't want to be with someone that I'm not physically attracted to at all. It's really frustrating in a way and has been a major disappointment about coming to Central. I'm not saying I was expecting to have met someone by now but I was expecting to at least see ONE guy aside from Jason that I thought was.... well, hot. 

Maybe after graduation if I'm still single I'll move down to California. ....Yuck. 

peace. 

It's still pretty early so I figure I'll do my blog before my practice session. [Life timeline, age 18.]

I'm  sort of sore today, probably because of the exercise that I've been doing. I know that I probably drank too much of that protein stuff the last couple days and my body is indicating that I didn't burn all of it off. I need to only do the whey protein once every other day, though I do plan to still work out every day. Maybe I'll cut the half scoop down to a quarter scoop one day, then half scoop the next and see how my body reacts. Too much protein is not good for you, and I'm not used to much because I typically eat hardly any red meat.

It's still pretty early so I figure I'll do my blog before my practice session. I've got my second to last lesson today.

15 Days!!

yahoo.

I'm going to continue my project from yesterday. It still seems pretty nerdy to recap your life thus far on your blog, but I don't really mind. 

Age 18, 2009-2010

Year of limbo between highschool and college, and kicking major ass.

This was a big year because it was my senior year and I was juggling taking classes at Ki-Be and CBC, but at the time I couldn't have been more ready. I had my last real year of the "highschool life" my Junior year, and I felt like I'd outgrown it. Sports were still a big part of my senior year, I finished out soccer pretty strong (We finally went to state, then of course lost, but whatever it was a good run) and had an incredible tennis season. 

I still did a little of the highschool shit, like here's me and Robert before homecoming or some other formal, I can't remember. I didn't go to prom my senior year because I was way too wrapped up in tennis and figuring out graduation. 

I babysat Tori for the little money that I made. I was of course driving back and forth to CBC every day, but because gas prices were lower back then it was a little bit easier to not have a job. It was getting a little awkward for Chad and Carmin as I got older to have me babysit because I was becoming an adult and needed to get an actual job.

Overall:

Looks: I was still wearing Metal T-shirts. Throughout the year as I discovered magibon and cutesy Japanese culture I started incorporating more cute things into my wardrobe, but would usually just wear them to CBC and change into something more dull/comfortable for ki-be. My makeup was still a little cakey and my acne was pretty bad at times but I was getting better. 

Work: Babysitting, but more and more rarely. Chad and Carmin weren't working night shifts anymore because Carmin was a manager at a Starbucks. She didn't need me there anymore at night and would only have me when they went on dates. Those were only $10-12 nights and I was getting too old for it when I'd have a test the night morning. I didn't try that hard to find a new job, though. 

I did end up getting a really good babysitting job during the summer where I was getting paid hundreds each week to watch these two girls from 8-5 pm. They were little manacle bitches though and I had a hard time taking them. That summer I was trying to teach myself guitar with crappy lessons with Neilson and ended up giving up. I thought I'd never learn how to play the guitar. 

Friends: Pretty all over the place. This is the year I really started becoming solid friends with Samantha. At first she seemed a little scared/intimidated by me because A) I was two years older than her and B) she saw a picture of me and her boyfriend together from the previous year--which pissed her off. But eventually she came around and we became really close friends.

Katelynn was wrapped up with Zach W. at Hanford, so I rarely saw her. We really only started hanging out once she got back in her Mom's house. We haven't had a hiatus since we started hanging out again back then. At the time that me and Katelynn DID start talking again she was dating Jon A., who I remember taking senior pictures for holding his clarinet. I was just happy she was away from Zach because he has a destructive personality, regardless of being really sweet to people. 

Once me and Katelynn started spending more time together we were much closer than we'd ever been as friends. We really started to get eachother more than we ever had.

Katharine and I had become close friends again during the tennis season of my senior year. Katharine took a lot of good pictures of me playing during my first round of state. I gave those girls a hell of a run. 

Skills: I ended up setting a record for most consecutive wins at Ki-Be. I felt accomplished with that and never wanted to play tennis again... It's been two years since then and I still don't feel like I'd want to play it. Sports were great but blegh they got old.

Love: Dated that guy James R. for a little while during the winter. This is a guy that Marco M. was best friends with and introduced me too after me and Marco had a falling out. Don't ask how this happened, I'm not sure myself but all I know is that Marco was spending a lot of time with Josie (Josie and I seem to have the same taste in men) and that led me to not talking to him. 

James was not like Marco though. Marco was really spontaneous, kind of a chameleon with people, really flirtatious, and a little slow. James was a serious military guy, he REALLY knew what he wanted and completely fell for me immediately. Unfortunately we didn't have the same sense of humor and I got bored quickly, so I had to tell him I couldn't take that he was leaving.

Honestly though, if we HAD grown attached that would have been difficult. I was attracted to James at the time but not as attracted as I was too....

JackJackJackJackJack... Seriously he had me immediately. At the time I had no idea what I was getting myself into emotionally, had I known the amount of time I would end up spending waiting for this person to come around I wouldn't have come over to his brother in law's house that night.  

That winter Jack and I started something, we'd hang out at his place or mine at these weird hours and do quirky things like make sushi or... Oh God, that same night he had this idea that we'd go to the Toyota Arena and build snowmen out the snow shavings from the zamboni, it was such a typical "outside the box" Jack idea that was a miserable fail but it was so  funny. 

This only lasted a couple months; it stopped when he transferred to Central. He'd start talking to me spontaneously over the next couple years but it would all be misleading garbage that confused the shit out of me until I confronted him about it (which was just this summer, actually). 

I did date Lane Hammitt for a little while after the second falling out with Chad. They were friends. Lane was sort of dumb, though, we didn't click and I just think I wanted to have a boyfriend to hang around with. It lasted a few weeks. I also dated a Chinese guy for two weeks that Michael Z. introduced me too. It didn't work out, he didn't have anything to say. 

Confidence: Not bad, actually I was sort of cocky because I got good grades at CBC and got sort of self important. Little did I know I still had A LOT to learn before I'd knew how to handle myself in college classes. I was so annoying because I'd ask too many irrelevant questions because I thought college classes were like highschool classes where professors WANT student input. Thank God I've changed. Tennis gave me some confidence too, I was just really ready to be out of highschool. 

Here's some videos from 2010 when I was that age. 

One of the really exciting experiences of 2010 was going to my first GOOD anime convention, Otaku Con 2010.

There's me in the costume was horrendously constricting and uncomfortable. I had a really fun time at the con though and met a lot of good people. This gave me more inspiration to study Japanese the next year at CBC. 

Kuro neko con was really fun, I cosplayed on both days and my Grandma made me a really nice lucky star costume. I might even sell that dress on ebay, it's THAT well made and realistic. I remember we spent the night at that nasty hotel and had to SWITCH hotels because we couldn't take anymore. I remember having a lot of extra money that summer. Probably, again, because gas prices were lower and all the extra money.

(well that about wraps up 18, tomorrow I'll do 17 so stay tuned, haha)

When you've got really nothing to lose....

Kamelot's outfits look like hot topic throwup, but I absolutely love some of their music. Metal soothes everything. 

My heart must be numbing quite a bit.

Jack got ahold of me again yesterday, after a three week hiatus where I had figured he found another girl and  accepted it. He denies any of my claims against him about talking to me between girls because he doesn't have girls. Riiight, what about the relationship that you just got out of before you started talking to me with some younger girl? What about Jessica last summer? What about the girl you found over this last Spring break that you stopped talking to me for? Was that the same girl? I don't know, I've lost track.

His main excuse for not talking to me for weeks was because he was "intimidated." I was like, are you serious? That makes NO sense. You mean to tell me Jessica Small didn't intimidate you? You sure pursued her. And Aliche from Italy from Milan f*cking modelbodyperfectsmileperfectfaceperfecteverything didn't intimidate you? You pursued her!

Of course he has an excuse for everything, but somehow schmoozed his way into another "I forgive you" and I guess we're on more... decent terms than we were when I told him he was dead to me. I can barely even talk to him now, though. I get so frustrated with his headgames that he plays unintentionally and I still doubt we will actually ever see eachother in person again unless it's in passing when we get up to Central. His plans never work out, ever. So I can't think that even if we're on decent terms that we will actually spend time together. I know better now.

haha I was never a fan of this picture of myself particularly but I think Samantha looks cute. My lips look so thin! 

 I felt like I had to break it to Samantha and she seemed so disappointed in me. For her, and a lot of girls, I feel like I'm somewhat of a role model for the benefits of personal independence. I feel like I've helped her see a lot of her own self worth outside of her relationship with Shawn, but how can I give her advice when I don't even take my own advice? I tell Samantha not to put up with Shawn's nonsense (every guy has nonsense, it's nothing personal to Shawn, actually their relationship has gotten way better since they moved in with eachother) yet I put up with Jack's nonsense again and again and again and again. It makes me feel stupid, like anyone that knows what I've put up with would look at me and think I'm like a stupid dog that keeps on kicked but won't take a hint.

That's the thing though. I know that Jack doesn't deserve yet another chance to prove that he's not just talking to me between girlfriends, but I like him enough that I can't let go of it. Plus I have nothing else and nothing to lose. Here's my prediction. He's going to find some other girl in the next 24 hours, if not in the next week. I'm not his friend on facebook anymore, AGAIN (seriously this is like the 10th time this has happened), so I can't see what he's doing either way. Even if we do start talking again I don't think I'm going to add him on facebook unless we actually see eachother in person. Again, probably won't happen.

I'm not nearly as irritated and discouraged by him talking to me as I've usually been in the last couple times, nor did I get giddy when he texted me back... I didn't feel anything, maybe a little short tempered and laughed at the fact that he actually had the nerve; but I didn't feel any pain or happiness necessarily. I'm taking better control of this emotional rollarcoaster that I've dealt with.

Maybe my heart really is giving up hope with it and that's why I'm feeling more numb. I hope so.... I so badly want to admit that I've moved on completely but it just never seems to happen, and the only reason is that he keeps randomly talking to me and I can't seem to NOT talk to him back. Everything is so on his time. He only talks to me when it's convenient for him, so I don't dare text or call him first.

In the four years that this has been happening, neither of us have ever told eachother that we like eachother. He's never even given me that. He never compliments me at all, I never compliment him either because I don't want him to think I want a relationship and scare him off. Because of this, I'm always tiptoeing around what I'm saying, while he somehow flirts with me on the other end.

It's all just so lame that it's almost comical. Samantha is the only one I'm going to tell about this because I think she has a bit higher tolerance for that sort of thing than Katelynn and Katharine. I feel like Katelynn would just be like, "OH god!! NO." and Katharine would probably give me a long lists of reasons why I shouldn't. They're both right, actually all three of them are right because Sam doesn't like it either.

Samantha is just a better person to talk to when I know I'm probably doing something wrong but can't help what I'm doing. I really wish I could just tell him to f*ck off entirely but when he keeps coming back it makes it hard. He's just too cute and our personalities are so compatible in so many ways but he drives me up the f*cking wall and makes me miserable at the same time.

Work today was boring.

I'm gonna get blazed and play guitar.

peace. 

To Admit to being jealous.

Jealousy is a bitch.

First let me say that I'm very rarely jealous of anyone. When it comes down to it, i'm actually pretty damn confident about my looks in a sense that I can pretty much initially attract most guys because of my huge eyes, physique, etc. But once I get to know them, one of us inevitably loses interest (and I admit, most of the time it's me). Or if I actually AM attracted to them, there's some other circumstance involved. A guy isn't *that* interested in all of me that isn't apparent on the surface. My interest in the Japanese language, maybe they don't like how my friends look, my STRONG personality (I admit, I'm stubborn as fuck).. Or the very worst circumstance, a guy has a girlfriend already, falls for me, but knows that his girlfriend is more likely to stick around than I am. This situation has happened only once, and I still feel terrible about it.. Main reason, though I don't know his girlfriend she seems pretty cool and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

This morning I was scrolling through the facebook wall and say a post made my Jay that said "the stuff I go through to be her man" or something like that. Immediately I was jealous of the fact that someone was oh so good enough to hook Jay, one of the few guys i've been really attracted too in the past year or so. I looked into who she is, and I'm pretty sure I found the right girl. Really nothing special, again. Certainly by main stream society's standards I'm prettier than she is. But she's obviously got *something* (or multiple somethings) that he wants. So I'm envious of whoever he's with right now. Jay is just ridiculously gorgeous, and I'm jealous. There you fucking go.

That's life though. You can't have everything you want.

I think I'm beautiful, now. I look in the mirror and see a girl who has been beaten and pushed down over and over by herself and allowed other people to do it too. I'm intelligent, I've managed to get through a lot of academic barriers that I didn't think I'd be able to do before. I think I have the ability to learn as many languages as I'm willing to take the time for. I think I have a great body, which I've worked so hard for and put so much restraint on myself to obtain. I'm artistic, logical, and now a bit musical if I keep working on it. I no longer take my history of emotions and depression as a determining factor on how I picture myself. I used to do this, thinking that it made me crazy and it made me hate myself.

Yet, there's still a part of me that lets things as petty as this get to me, and I hate it. I think it's silly that I'd even care what he's doing. It's not so much about Jay as it is that I'm a bit angry at myself for allowing myself to experience jealousy.

I've been trying to train myself to completely control my emotions. I will have sessions playing the guitar where I'll start to get really anxious because I want to do things perfectly. I'll try and catch myself and think, "Okay, what is it that i'm so anxious about? I'm just learning, and nobody's listening.." Usually this lets me relax. Writing helps me relax a lot too. After writing this, I no longer feel the pent up emotions from earlier.

I've been listening to Dream Theater this morning. It's almost 1' pm. Today is looking like yesterday, nothing to do really and nobody to talk too... I could always call someone but when I get in moods like this all I'm bound to do is bitch and whine if I'm talking to a girl. Don't get me wrong, I f*cking love talking to my girl friends, they're amazing and I love them, but I don't want to bitch and whine to them right now because it's such a downer. When they bitch to me, I'm always a listening ear, but sometimes I'll actually catch myself getting too into their stories and feeling THEIR emotions and frustrations myself.

Like, when *someone* was describing this girl Saebre and how crazy she is. I'm aware of how crazy she is from many sources to the point that I came up with an entire judgement of her before I met her. Many, many sources. She's like, the new infamous Jessica C. Huge drama starter, and a couple of my friends will rant to be about her. I also know that she posted she was pregnant with her boyfriend Chase, which who knows if it's true, she's claimed to be pregnant a bunch of times...The only difference really is that she's TALENTED. She's one of the best singers to come to ki-be, but everyone seems to hate her.

When I saw her at the gas station, I realized that I had made this immediate judgement of her because of what people have told me and that's a little sad. Now I'm wondering what she's actually like so I can know if she's actually crazy or if people are just jealous of how talented she is. I'll probably never know; i'm not going to go out of my way to talk to her.

What I'm saying is, I need to take what my friends tell me with a grain of salt and know that there's two sides to every story.

Ahh, Jimmy is here. Damn, I was going to try doing a knife hit today. I know that's really trashy, but I'd really like to just get blazed and zone out, forget about all the things that are troubling me today for no apparent reason.Not happening if anyone is here though because it's really stinky. I feel like lately I've been turning to this in most of my spare time at home, because there's been a lot of it since I got out for spring break... maybe I'll be burnt out (oh god, pun) by the time school starts so I won't be tempted to do it as much. The busier I am, the less I smoke, clearly.

I'm hoping Avery, Jimmy and Denae leave but Avery's got cramps so it's not likely.

Today my to-do list is:

-Bring my laundry down and do a load of laundry,

-Play guitar for two hours (I did this yesterday, woo!)

-Read up to page 200 of Memoirs of a Geisha.

-Build another family in my Woodland town on sims.

-Study Japanese for 30 min

Woah, this is just like yesterday.

peace.

I give myself to you from the essence of my being. 38.

Last night was full of weird dreams.

Ones that I couldn't tell you in full detail because I didn't get straight up to write when I had it.

 The dreams were about rejection, being alone, and having a baby.

There were brief cutaways of being at parties. I was there with some other girls that I can't remember, but none of us were really a part of it. Like there were a bunch of people there having a good  time but we were kind of sitting out. I remember that someone I was really interested in was there but he clearly had no interest in me what-so-ever. Because of this, I wanted to leave, yet his friends kept on talking to me like, explaining what this guy was doing. It just made me sick about it.

After  being rejected by this guy I acted angry and rude toward Sean McIntyre and some other people from my Japanese class for some reason, you know people I see on a regular basis. It was like, for some reason Sean was at my kitchen table with his new girlfriend who "likes to play Warcraft" and for no reason I told her she looked like a slut, shortly after appologizing because I told her I thought she was someone else. I would never in my right mind straight out call a girl a slut unless she had REALLY wronged me.

Note: I *did* like Sean quite a bit in the past, actually around this time last year. I ended up rejecting him in the long run though, in the craziest sense possible. I should of just been honest with him and told him how awkward it would be to be in Japanese together for the next year if we were dating. It would be like a show for everyone in there. Ugh. Yeah, it took quite awhile for me and Sean to enjoy eachother's company again.

Back to the dream. I remember having a baby girl, and not taking care of her very well. Like she was clean and fed and everything but I probably wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. It was like I was resentful toward it. Well, I was *alone* in this dream, so obviously whoever knocked me up with it was out of the picture. I remember the baby was tucked in on my own bed when I came in and wondered why she didn't have a crib of her own. Could this have some significance? She started crying at the top of her lungs when I came in and uncovered her. But note, she was FINE this entire time. Like she was fed and clean, but I wasn't really giving her any love. The whole picture just looked like I wasn't ready for this and wished I still had my own life. I was also angry at whoever the father was because I was alone to take care of her.

That's all I remember of my ongoing dream last night. I don't remember any specific details, but the dream kept on coming back as I fell in and out of sleep because of coughing attacks. Vivid dreams like this are typically attributed by medicine, and last night I took some perscription grade cough medicine. I wasn't particularily sad or feeling anything about this subject last night. Actually, I remember thinking how happy I felt with all of the friends I've been making lately and how well, not lonely I've been.

I guess my subconcious wanted to remind me of that void in my life. Again. I don't think I'm crazy, and I try to repress this as much as I can because it really is the only thing I can do. This is probably going to be another year of being "alone," which is especially likely because I have a set time that I'm leaving and no guys that are my age that even want a girlfriend want something that is almost guarenteed to only have the possibility of lasting until I leave. But why do people insist on looking that far ahead? Why can't they just live in the moment? ...Not that I'm one to talk about "living in the moment." I study for three hours a day just to hopefully seal a successful, comfortable future for myself, and someday I hope I can look back and thank myself for all the hard work I've put in. Because of this I strive for perfection and look WAY more to the future than I probably should.

I feel like looking up the meanings to some of the main objects of my dream.

Custosy of http://dreammoods.com/



Baby Clothes. In the dream I remember seeing my baby's clothes that needed to be changed.

To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown.

This is so true! I have been growing a lot as a person. I've become a lot more secure with myself, more social, and I don't let nearly as many things and anxieties bother me anymore. I feel that I've become more self aware of how frantic I tend to act. I've also been trying to become more cafeful of anger flareups and becoming a better listener. Because I've realized, nobody really wants to hear me blather on about myself. They want to talk about themselves. This is why I have this blog.

Baby. To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you find a baby in your dream, then it suggests that you have acknowledged your hidden potential.

This is pretty true too. I have become a lot more secure with myself, and I'm no longer that afraid of what people think of me or humiliated about the past. That chapter of my life is over and with this new year I'm moving forward. But at the same time I was sort of mistreating that baby, as if symbolically I'm afraid of facing these new changes and something inside me is still scared and vulnerable.

To dream of a crying baby symbolizes a part of yourself that is deprived of attention and needs to be nurtured.

Well, this is obvious.

It's time to get going with my day.

Today's Friday which means I'm going to hopefully get some work done and play a lot of guitar. Other than that I don't have plans. I'd really like to get my hair dyed black, which was inspired by this picture that I saw on Suicide girls. I really think I could rock it. I feel it's time to stop worrying about what my mom and sister think and try something new.

I haven't talked to or seen Katelynn in a couple weeks now. It's weird, she completely flaked on Wednesday and didn't give me any heads up why she didn't end up coming over. I think it'd be a good gesture to bring over Alan's replacement CD today. Yeah, maybe it's a good idea to just go into town. I've got some errands to do. If anything, I could buy that hairdye at Sally's. Brad says he doesn't think it would look good on me, and immediately he's making me doubt it.

My biggest fear with dying my hair black is my mom saying "UR TRYING TO LOOK AZN!!!" or some stupid shit that she likes to say. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ASIAN, but this gives my mom ammunition to think that I do if I were to do this.

I just randomly started crying out of nowhere. I don't understand why this happens to me, everything is FINE. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I HAVE A TON OF FRIENDS. I'M DOING WELL IN SCHOOL. I hate depression, so much, I just gotta keep fighting.

peace.