plans fell through. nothing new today.

Yo, good afternoon...

I'm feeling pretty good regardless of the fact that I think I got flaked on today. Jay was texting me last night asking what I was up to today and said we should go check out the boat races tomorrow (today). But yeah, it's 3:30 and we haven't talked yet today. He told me that he was working at 6 am, which is crazy if he's still working.. Maybe he's just super tired, or working way overtime. Or he's actually not feeling up to doing this. lol

I'm not gonna let this stop my day. I just feel lame because I put on makeup and don't have anywhere to really go. 

I'm not going to text him first though, seriously. He made these plans with me last night and he needs to follow up on it one way or another. I'm not gonna be like "Uhh hello??" f*******^%....... 

I practiced invention for a solid 40 minutes but I should really be using guitar pro instead of watching netflix. I've been trying to be more cautious about picking patterns as well as counting. 

Grr, this is lame though I was stoked. I should just continue to be productive.. Maybe I'll read my book or something. 

peace.

My plans to make changes.

I realize in order to change my near constant anxiety and depression with this place I have to begin filling my time. I have too much time on my hands that I've allowed myself to spend alone, which I'm pretty sure is the main reason I've been having such difficulties. I have to start making an effort to make changes to get away from this isolation. I've always been afraid to dedicate myself to anything here because I take my grades and the guitar so seriously that I always allow myself to have a good amount of time each day to do them. Today though, and over the past couple days, I've felt so miserable that I've been barely able to enjoy practicing the guitar at all. I need to create a better balance in my life to achieve a better experience here. It's not too late.

I went on Safari tonight to try and find a couple things going on around campus in the next couple weeks. I found that every Thursday on the SURC patio they give out hot chocolate and flyers that list events happening in the following weeks-- good, that's a start, I can begin putting things on my calendar. On the 22nd (the day after Martin Luther King day) there's going to be a few guest speakers coming and doing an hour long seminar. I guess I'll go to that too, why the Hell not.

As for clubs, I took a closer look at the list. I've decided I do not want to do Karate club because it's not a class-- more than likely everyone that's in it has experience in karate. Maybe in the spring I will join the tennis club.

So tomorrow I'm going to go back to that office after class to get the information for the following:
- The A.U.A.P. friends club (basically an international club)
- The Society of Human Resource Management (SHRM)
- The tennis club

As well as get information on student employment. I talked to my mom and she thinks that would be really good for me however the idea of trying to plan my studies and guitar around that scares me. BUT. I'm willing to give it a try. I have too. I need to have a plan to achieve a better amount of peace here.

*Maybe*, just maybe, that would be for the best. Not only would I feel better about taking lessons because I could earn a little money and pay for it but it can also help me feel a better sense of purpose to work. I don't know, one step at a time. At least I have a plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow will be an excellent day for this too because I don't have my finite math class for some reason. All I have is econ., which I did go to tutoring for today and got a private session who did help significantly.

This evening after coming back from my economics tutor I passed the multipurpose building and saw a ton of people funneling in there. My conscious told me, "You should go check it out." I did, and turns out it was practice for traditional Japanese dance. They'd been practicing for a month so obviously I'm not just going to hop in but I did meet a couple people briefly and one girl told me this was through the A.U.A.P Friend's Club. Now that I've been in there and checked it out I've decided to look into that club as well. It's basically a club where you can meet international students and stuff. So even if I made an awkward dork of myself to just show up to their practice I'd like to see what they're all about.

One Japanese guy came up and was like, "You should join!!" I'm like... err, I don't know, I haven't ever practiced this. So yeah for the most part they seemed pretty friendly.

And! I just texted Allie and we're going to have lunch tomorrow.

I prayed to God to please give me the answers of how I'm going to make friends and I now feel driven to give this school another chance. Jesus gives me strength wherever I go, even in these hard times where I feel so lost and alone. Lol though I have to give my parents some credit on suggesting to try to get a part time job on campus. One step at a time.

peace.

Excited!! My big list of plans to do

Oh god, this picture is embarrassing. I guess you could say with the challenge there really wasn't a second pick, Brendan and I took a bunch of pictures but we both looked like total derps until I just happen to get a good one. I've been using my Muscle Milk containers as tripods that I can use anywhere and actually provide a much more stable surface than any tripod I've used previously. Thriftiness!

We look pretty wacky in this photo. That's why I didn't choose it.

Anyway, that's Brendan! From my legal class! Ha ha, I mentioned him before and here he is!

I briefly talked to him before our final. I noticed he was wearing a "state" track sweater and I asked where he was from. He said he's from Zillah. I told him I played tennis for Ki-Be and he said, "Ohh you probably know some people I know. You know Rossetti C." I'm like, yeah, we had quite the rivalry Junior year and kind of cracked up. That seems like such a long time ago now. 

I'll leave it at that. Ha ha.

I rewarded myself with a nice long workout tonight. I sometimes don't work out even if I'd like too because I don't want to over exert my body and potentially lose too much weight. I've been snacking a little more lately. I just don't want to over exert by taking two bikerides back and forth between my apartments and Shaw then somewhere else.. yadda yadda, I'd rather not have a biking body. Too skinny. It's difficult to maintain the weight you want, I have to trust that my body appreciates what I'm putting in it and will let me know if I'm lacking any nutrients...

I just want what I'm eating to be the last of my concerns. I'd like to take a small grocery shopping trip when I get home to make sure I get what I need. I've managed it to where I've got about a weekly to a week and a half amount of time that I go between shopping trips. Sometimes I have to take in between trips, but they're usually smaller trips at around $25-30.

Usually grocery shopping costs $70-$100. I'll make two stops-- one at Fred Meyer to get frozen fruits and vegetables. The second stop is at Grocery outlet where I get most of my groceries now. I'm going to write out a rough list so I can know what to buy when I get home. 

Things I usually need:

-Beef, I'll get the small steaks that I can freeze. I eat one small steak 4-5 days out of the week, usually topped with sauted onion-pepper blend. Topped with rooster sauce, delicious over...

-Rice. I make rice about 3-4 times a week. Sometimes I will have the steak on it's own. Other times on white rice. I have to be careful with white rice because I have a tendency to bloat when I eat too much of it.

-Whole wheat bread.

-Lunch meat of some kind.

-Eggs

-Bacon. I tried buying bacon this last week but it was a complete fail because it was the cheap stuff and was DISGUSTING quality. All fat. I could barely choke it down even mixed in my eggs and mixed with cheese/salsa.

-Tortillas.

-Cheddar cheese. Right now I've got some of this in my fridge that will last me a good while.

-Frozen chicken. Have to make sure they don't already have some at home, they probably do, my sister loves her chicken salads.

-Sesame oil. I'm gonna try and score some to bring home. I intend to hit the Saigon Market when I'm back. One more thing I want to do...

-Bag of frozen peaches, bag of frozen green vegetable. 

-1% milk.

Okay now you guys want to hear the list of all the awesome things I want to do this Christmas break?? (in no particular order.)

1. Go shopping with Gardenia.

2. Hang out with Seth.

3. Call and catch up with Stephanie.

4. Visit Brenden tomorrow in Zillah.

5. Get coffee with Dani before my guitar lesson.

6. Check out Taylor's apartment in Kennewick.

7. Go out with Samantha.

8. See Brad after one of my lessons.

...And of course hang out with Katelynn. I wish I could catch up with everyone. I'd like to plan this so that I can figure out which people I'd like to see in Richland, then hit up those people in that day, of course dedicate one day to shopping with Gardenia which would be a trip and back from Kennewick. Hanging out with Seth and seeing Taylor's apartment will be in the same trip. Whenever I'm in Kennewick I plan to see Katelynn or be with Katelynn throughout the day as well. 

We'll see how this goes, I'm really going to make an effort this break to see new people, really enjoy catching up... Many people I do keep caught up with on Facebook. 

Gosh I'm getting a little drunk as I write this, I'm drinking wine mixed with some of the last of that orange juice in the fridge. Man, as I'm letting my groceries deplete to the bare essentials I'm starting to realize how scary it must have been as a North Koreans and Soviet Russians during food shortages. I literally feel so much sympathy for these people... especially the North Koreans that are putting up with this even today. 

peace. 

What the Hell are the chances of that.

Today's been a good day.

I got up this morning knowing I had to get my books so I rushed over to the bookstore after getting ready. I dealt with a complete lameass at the checkstand that I felt like I had to walk through the transaction.  I just wanted to buy my accounting book and my business law book, and then go to the second line that had a huge lineup to do the rental on the math one. It ended up being a big holdup so I decided just to use the credit line to buy the books. Right now the money that overdrew my account today is now going onto the credit line that my Dad will pay off later.

They were around $350. Expensive, so I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm going to wait for that transaction to process for the next 10 hours or so before I put the money from my savings into my checking. I'm now at $1400. That means moving here in total cost me about $200, between the things that I've needed to buy and the groceries, etc etc... That's so creep, imagine how much it would cost up in Bellingham, atrociously expensive! I'm so happy to be here.

I woke up Jason after I bought my books. He partied last night and texted me drunk asking me to come this morning. Though I knew he'd forget, I showed up anyway. Last night while Jason was out with his friends I decided to go to Shavonne's house and visit/have dinner. Russell printed me out a map that proved to be very handy all day... especially when I was trying to find Jason's building. 

Jason and I were originally going to go rock climbing together and I was pretty stoked to go but I still had my biggest task of the day in the back of my mind. I had to go out and find these bulletin boards to I guess officially "open" my business. I really hope I'm able to fill up my 9 spots relatively quickly. I'll schedule a couple more (assuming some are going to drop) and go out and pull the signs. Next time I lose some students, I'll repeat the process so that I maintain a controlled number. I'm hoping I get a different mix of ages and music styles.

peace. 

OH!!!! Now that I'm back from working out I remember the weirdest thing that happened to me today! I saw Jack, hahaha. It was so funny, Jason and I were walking back to my place when a... lacrosse, I don't know, lacrosse or cricket-- ball rolled out in front of me. I just happen to feel like being polite and picked it up and tossed it back to the person that flicked it into the street.

There's Jack, standing in the courtyard of the math building. He's like, "Oh hey Emily!" I couldn't believe it. I acted very friendly toward him. He told me he was going to his lacrosse match soon. I told him good luck. I told Jason, "First love." even if yesterday I'd told him I never had been. I guess love is truly what makes a person crazy, and since Jack made me crazy and confused for three years, I figured it was the best representation for that situation. 

Jason was like, "Oh, you don't like him?" and I'm like, "YES. I HATE him. I mean, no, I don't hate him. He just makes me very frustrated." Jason and I left it at. I did, however, call my Mom when I was back cooking lunch (I made shredded chicken burritos, which were delicious by the way) to tell her about my 'what are the chances of that' experience.

I had only thought about Jack once since I got here, I didn't anticipate seeing him this early on however. I'm glad I instinctively was very friendly toward him.

Extension handles make things a lot easier. AND MY PLAN.

Okay okay, time to get really focused and crack down on school because I only have....

12 more days!!!

This shit is coming down to the end!

This is gonna have to be a pretty quick entry because I need to get started on the shed again now that it's cooled down a bit. I already spent like three hours on it this morning but now I have an extension handle so it makes things a LOT easier. It'll be nice to get paid for this. My dad said he'd kick me $60. Which will get me out of the 0 hole. Not by much, but enough to last me for gas for a couple weeks. It's gonna be nice to not have to ask for gas money for two weeks. That's the most important thing. Gas is the only thing I can afford to spend money on. Speaking of which, I need to go to the school and see how much I owe on the stepp plan. I'll have to do that on monday when I go in to get math tutoring and get one of the two labs done.

I did NOT do very well on my last math exam, so my overall grade currently is about a solid C. In order to survive and pass this quarter, I could really use a better grade on the next test and a GOOD grade on the final exam. I need a gameplan! I can do this, I really can, I just need to plan it right and crack down on it 100%.

Daily Homework for the Next 12 Days:

-August 7th: Quiz 5 & 7.4
-August 9th- 7.5. Study 2 hours.
August 10th. Study 2 hours.

-August 11th. 7.4-7.5 due.
-August 12th. Quiz 6.
-August 13th: REVIEW-- STUDY 2 HOURS
-August 14th: Review what I learned yesterday.
-August 15th: Exam 3!
-August 16th: Review! Study 2 hours for final.

-August 17th: Study all I need for the final.
-August 18th. Final Exam. The most important day this summer.

I also have to think about Biology, which I will take as it comes. Biology isn't that hard, and she keeps us very updated via e-mail on what we have to do. I've got two labs due on Wednesday, which I'll start working on Monday before class. I'm probably going to get a pretty good grade in that class. I have gotten A's and B's on every assignment.

I've been trying to get a math tutor-- but it's harder than it seems. Not very many people know how to do math well enough to teach it, and to make it worse I want them to be able to come to Benton city or be able to meet up with me in Richland. So more than likely my efforts will be futile and I'll just have to go to CBC more than I'd like too, but that's how things go. I have to be aware that my parents do NOT want to pay for another quarter of Math 97-- so I really need to TRYTRYTRY. Michael Fuller is in the same boat.

So I am going to study and get help all that I can... I can't be lazy or I will be kicking myself mercilessly during my time off.

God I've been getting major school burnout lately. i'm not looking forward to fall quarter at all. I really gotta study some massive Japanese when I have my break here, too.

yours,

Emily

Throwing up SUCKS.

There is an anxiety that I have that has been haunting me for awhile now, and started about this last December.

In many situations this year, when I find myself spending the night at somebody's house, I end up spending the entire night puking, or feeling nauseous and unable to sleep and then puking the next morning. This happened, AGAIN, last night, in a completely comfortable situation.. and I had to leave because of it. Luckily, they didn't see how sick I was. I ended up drinking pepto out of their fridge. Lovely.

Here are the situations where it has occured...



1. The first known situation of it, where there were no diseases such as the stomach flu (California trip home in La Grande) or hangover involved (happened once on one shot of tequila mixed with my meds), was when I was with Michael Kaminski in Seattle. Upon meeting him, I knew my parents wouldn't like him so it made me very, VERY stressed out to the point that I could not sleep at all and was over the toilet all night. The next morning it got the worst, and Katelynn went to a gas station to buy me gatorade and anti-nausea. She's a great friend.. that was incredible.
   
   Since this has happened, every time that I've had to stay overnight in a hotel I've gotten sick. Except for the night when Michael went home and we stayed in an airport hotel.

2. The second main situation was Chris's anime party. I got stuck here overnight because my car broke down, and when I called my parents about it they yelled at me and I felt extremely guilty about it. The problem was my starter, or an electrical problem, as always. There was really nothing I could do. It started the next morning, anyway. Regardless, it made me so stressed that I found myself puking all night... at his house. It was an embarrising mess.

3. The third situation was at Zac Weery's house after the System of a Down concert. Zach's mom was convinced I had drank something laced with a drug but now that I look back on it, it was probably just a panic attack like the previous situations. Regardless, she did help me calm down a lot. Didn't sleep at all that night. Was dry heaving because there was no food in me and I couldn't even hold down water. It was a mess, especially because this girl that we were staying with's parents didn't know me and Katelynn were there so I could of caused major problems. I completely destroyed their plans to enjoy the night....

And now, last night, which kept me throwing up all morning and I still haven't really eaten today. It's 5 PM. Plans fell through today that I thought were going to be really fun, but as always there has to be some flaky ass situation and now i'm not sure what my plans are exactly. I should really fill out that college application. I think I'll also play the bass.

One of Jack's friends messaged me today and it was really weird. He's lived next door for about three years and we have never said shit to eachother, haha. It's funny how their mentalities work. Even if I do talk to Jesse or any other of Jack's friends, I probably won't ever hang out with them as a group because of how we've known eachother since we were kids and we never liked eachother back then, hahaha.

I really hope whatever anxiety this is passes, and i'll be able to move out and now be puking all night where ever I start to live. oi vey.

yours,

Emily

RadCon Plans, and EVERY HOTEL I'VE BEEN TOO...

RadCon is coming! YAY.
I'm excited because Leah, Mark, Michael and I are all going to hang out together there and I'm going to wear the school girl outfit on saturday.

This one. Isn't it cute? I'm borrowing Katharine's cheer skirt again, and if I'm lucky, maybe my arms have thinned out a bit since this picture was taken and it won't be so freakishly tight. Ehh, unlikely. This thing is really tight and it's sort of hard to move around because the fabric is tough. I should probably bring some backup clothes just in case. I'll also make sure to take a ton of pictures and video.

Leah is going to be wearing a plaid, red skirt. I fear that my costume might be a little bit more "Costume-y" then her's. I'm nervous about standing out as a dork-- but I'm pretty sure a lot of people there are going to be cosplaying, so it's not a big deal. I'm wondering how I should wear my hair, too. I'm thinking two low ponytails.We're gonna look really cute. : )

Today the guy who I'm kind of crushing on gave me a highfive and hit my hand really too hard and I walked off. I don't really think he's noticed me at all, but Mark said that he TOLD him that I think he's hot-- which is weird and I didn't tell him to do that but he did anyway. I really don't want to come off as a complete weirdo, but luckily he's pretty nerdy himself so he probably won't judge for me cosplaying if he's going on saturday.

People are going to be selling a lot of weird nik-naks and stuff there. I need to really avoid buying random junk if I want to avoid losing all my money. I can just imagine the cute stuff that's going to be there though. Why is saving so hard?

Michael and Leah are disappointed that we aren't going to a hotel. But I say why would we go to a hotel if the hotel that rad con is going to be at is right across the road from our school? Seems a little pointless. He said it's because the rave is at 2 am and it sucks driving home. For some reason though I am so anti the hotel idea, and then I realized why...

In the past two years, I've gotten sick THREE times at hotels! YES, THREE. Two summers ago on my family's way back from California with the stomach flu, dragging myself across the La Grande Best Western room floor to get to the toilet to puke my guts out. This was seriously the worst day of my life. Then at the end of this last summer when I had gone to that hotel party and drank taquila and barfing all morning, too embarrised to call my parents that I had to call Chad to pick me up. Then just a month ago when Michael was here when I got food poisoning in Seattle. I now HATE hotels. Apparently they make me sick. haha

yours,

Emily