Tomorrow is the start of a very important week.

Tomorrow is the start of a very important week. 

One where I plan on working very hard and diligently. Do everything I can to get my forecasting assignment done smoothly and still be ready for my econ test on Friday. I'm so lucky, Carbaugh is having us turn in the rough drafts for our paper on Monday so I'll have this week to work on it bit by bit and then really pull it together this weekend. 

I need to stay out of my apartment as much as possible and try to work at the library or in Shaw. I find that when I'm at home feeling frustrated and alone I start getting really panicky. This weekend I did spend about three hours total studying forecasting so I wasn't feeling *too* nervous about taking a whack at the homework that's due Tuesday. It was going fine until for some stupid reason when I'd restarted the program the "fpp" package was giving me an error when I tried to require it and the dataset that I needed seemed to have disappeared. 

So I was really angry about my bad luck tonight. I messaged Wassell about what happened and also mentioned to him how much I'm struggling with the program and when/where the tutor is available. I'm hoping he gets back to me soon. There's a couple guys in my forecasting class that seem really cool that are also in my econ 406 class that I'm hoping to maybe get together with tomorrow. 

Michael is done, I successfully bothered him enough lately to get help with this class during my time of desperation when I was spending all of my time trying to understand FIN370. I annoyed him and I don't blame him. Now here I am, six weeks later. Even after spending hours and hours trying to keep up in finance I couldn't hack it, still failed the test, and have felt like a sitting duck since day 1 in forecasting. 

There's still time to get this though. I've been working so hard to review and understand the old material to get caught up. It's just hard when I don't have a laptop to bring to class to work along with the lecture (making my notes pretty useless on most days). 

This week I'm going to try to have really good habits. I'm going to go to sleep earlier, wake up earlier to have more time to study (...and practice guitar when I'm not studying), eat healthier (no more frozen dinners!!) and take my medication at the same time every day. I don't have time to take naps, it zaps my entire day and makes me feel more stressed out later. I just need to remember to start making lunch as soon as I get back from Carbaugh's and take caffeine right after. 

This weekend was kind of fun because I hung out with my friend John yesterday and I had dinner with him and his friends. They're all really nice, easy to get along with people. I don't feel like I'm being judged or that they will suddenly decide they hate me, ha ha ha. I'm thinking Fall quarter I'm going to live in the dorms near them. John really likes art, pokemon and food so we always have a good time together ha ha ha. 

peace. 

Somewhat of a setback

Evening.

Yesterday was not a fun day. It shook me really hard and I'm still having a difficult time forgiving myself for what happened even if I tried as hard as I could.

I had to withdraw from finance again to avoid a failing grade because I completely bombed my test on Monday. After spending hours drilling the problems online and thinking I had a decent grasp on the material. Come to find out I didn't comprehensively what so ever. The test questions don't go in order from easiest to most difficult, the concepts are mixed up and if you don't know the appropriate steps and formulas to get your answer your pretty much f*cked.

Soo, I'm going to be taking it with Tenerelli in the Fall. He's the one finance professor that apparently goes slow enough or has some other method that helps get people through it. I f*cking hate how hard this class is for me and that even after all the work I did I was somehow still completely oblivious to my own ignorance.

I took it out really hard on myself last night. Not living up to my own standards makes me feel psychotic and almost suicidal because I feel like self improvement is the only thing that I live for at this point. Failure is my biggest nightmare.

Lately I've been watching any documentaries
I can find about Russian ballet. 

But only with tribulations in life do you discover your inner strength. I am not going to flunk out of college and I will not allow this class to keep me from getting my degree. I'm going to now use this quarter as an opportunity to better understand R and my forecasting class and really be able to put some effort into my paper for my capstone course. Taking finance is so draining on my time and psyche because I'm constantly working on homework and constantly feeling nervous about homework being due that I only half understand the procedures for. Then when I actually do the homework my anxiety is super high because if you make one tiny rounding or decimal error in the intermediate steps whole problem is wrong and it's EXTREMELY frustrating.


I think I had mentioned to you guys that I had asked for Kyle's number to help me study for the test on Sunday and he said he'd be totally down on Friday. I did not text him at all during the weekend, I told myself I wouldn't talk to him until I actually *did* need his help so I didn't make it seem like I got his number to get to know him or anything (lol I've learned that guys generally don't like making conversation via text and things can be so easily misread so why even risk it). But I did text him Sunday when I needed help and didn't get a response which kind of sucked my motivation somewhat.

This morning he passed me on the way to Carbaugh's class and asked me how I did. Kind of sucked having to say that I failed. I really wish I could have said "Oh I stressed out for nothing!! I studied my ass off on Sunday and probably did fine!..." like I've said for practically every one of my other tests I've taken in college but instead I had to say, "Pretty terrible. I failed."

It sucked so bad. And having this happen means that I'll be taking one online class for my business minor this Summer to make up for the one I won't be doing in the fall. If I don't get this internship with enterprise I'm going to be moving back to the tri cities again in a month and a half. That for me is hard to believe as well and makes me determined to work as hard as I can until that point.

That's all for now.

peace.