Feel so strung out

I'm so frustrated with myself right now.

I got stuck on my statistics lab and wasn't able to complete it... Like I looked away for 20 seconds to get caught up and bam, stuck. Terry couldn't help me because he was getting help from the girl sitting next to him that plays basketball. She pretty much always sits near him, brings him coffee sometimes in the morning, and I know they've been friends for a long time because of sports and that's really all they talk about. There's another girl that plays basketball in that class as well, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian just based on the fact that she's completely abandoned any trace of femininity.

I admitted to Terry today that I "lost" his number. He's like "How did you lose my number?" I couldn't even think of a good reply. I had no excuse for the fact that I did to him what I always do to guys that I'm actually interested in. If they show any indication that they're over me I usually delete their number so I have no opportunity to text them unless they text me first. It's simply a preventative measure to not text guys that I like because if you text first then you could potentially look like you actually want to spend time with them. Guys seem to hate that, God forbid they should feel obligated to take you out or spend time getting to know you.

Over the past few days I've actually regretted deleting Terry's number, not because I've thought about spending time with him necessarily because I gave up on that. What I'm really afraid of losing with him is my chance to continue to compete for the highest grades. This quarter his competitiveness has caused me to excel more than I ever could have imagined, and I really do want to take classes with him this summer for that reason. I hope that Terry can realize this and just respect me, I just want to be his friend and have things be cordial between us because honestly I have such little romantic interest anymore that it doesn't matter but he probably still thinks that I do.

I'm just tired of it. All of it. The game, the cold, feeling stretched thin. I love school and I love to learn but here in four weeks I'll be ready for a break and to work. Where I work this summer is really the question now, and I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen. Right now I'm just going through some horrible body pain so I don't feel like going out and delivering job applications or talking to anyone. I just want to sit right here and everyone else can leave me be...

I'm just afraid that if I don't go out and do this now there will be some wonderful opportunity that I'll miss... lol ugh, I'm so low on money right now, I'm in so much pain, I'm stressed out, earlier in class I wanted to cry when I didn't get how to do a f^&*ing histogram.. Ha ha very emotional so you can understand why I don't want to go anywhere.

Now that I've written about my frustration I feel a little better. It hasn't been the worst day so far, I mean there's food around here and that's always a plus. Kevin offered to help me out with the lab so that's going to be a huge help if he gets some time later. Oh!! And there's new episodes of intervention on Hulu! Season 8, that'll keep me busy for a few hours while I practice guitar this evening too. Woohoo, no reason to worry about anything f' it's Friday.... I am helping out a couple girls with their classroom project for AUAP so I'm not going to volunteer for that today.

I'm just a useless lump of laziness right now lmfao

peace

Pageants are just a sea of bitches

This is an Ibanez RGT42 in slate grey, fucking nice $750 guitar that I'll be getting for $350 in a few days if all goes right. I want to get that thing so bad, I'm so sick of the sunburst one that I have right now. Granted I'm sort of happy that I did learn my foundation on a Les Paul style neck my hand is killing me every day.

May is almost over. I planned my party way too early and there's still 16 more days. People have probably forgotten about it by now. Heh.... I feel like a big nerd, still. But I don't think it'll matter. Hopefully people'll show up.

Guitar lessons went well today. Got some new material to work on, and I have to start working on the 2 string patterns backward and forward. Jacob seemed sort of pissed off about something, he just seemed exhausted or something. This last week I did 23 hours. Pretty solid week, though I don't feel I got a substantial amount accomplished. I should probably start playing less with Netflix in the background.

Yup, Wednesdays are my favorite days. Everything just seems nice.. I'd like to go take a walk but I have nobody to walk with. I feel like I need to get out of here, though. Do something social.

Good GOD! Okay I messed up this morning, big time. On Friday night or something, I had called Connor and Zach (along with a few other people) to see what people were up too. I was just bored. Zach texted asking me if I'd called, but I thought it was Connor, so we had this conversation with what I WOULD have said with Connor, and it was sort of suggestive. Once I realized who it was I felt super lame!

It'd be nice to spend some time with Connor tonight because I'm not doing anything else and I don't have to study or get up particularly early tomorrow. The new grammar in Japanese is pretty straight forward, though I do have a quiz next Tuesday that I should get studying for. Oral exams were moved to next Thursday so I've got a little time to dwell. Me and Hannah both have 106% in that class, I'm sure we'll get an A.... ha ha it's almost gotten humorous. I will continue to work hard at it though, until the very end!

Samantha's graduation is in three days, and I'll be missing it. It depresses me to no end because I really want to go and see her. I'm really proud of what she's done; she got good grades, didn't get pregnant, never did alternative school. Sometimes I just never knew with her when we first started being friends if she would make it through school.

I'm looking forward to all the bomb food on Saturday, too. My sister's boyfriend Jimmy is graduating, but she was unable to get the day off so I'm pretty sure she'll just be going to his party. This means I'll be getting a chance to meet Jimmy's parents. OH! By the way, remember the pageant blog that I wrote a long time ago? My sister totally decided not to do it after the first meeting.

I'm happy, pageants seem like a swarm of bitches. My sister doesn't need approval from a bunch of creepy middle aged women living vacariously through their daughters. She's already got plenty of activities going on.

I've got a nasty stomach cramp.. I think I'm going to lay down a bit before dinner


peace.