F**k it we don't have to be friends... Trust.

Hmm, that was quite a blogging hiatus. I'd mean to sit down and write a few times this week but would always have too much to do to really think about it.

Right now is my first real breath of fresh air after a five day, eight hour work streak.... That's forty hours... I am working full time at JCpenney this summer, what the Hell man. Ugh makes me excited for school to start. I'm hungry for new information and feel guilty that I was unable to read After the Music Stopped as much as I'd liked too this month.. With back to school season at work I've been working so much that it's difficult to find the discipline to sit down and read for recreation....

I've barely had the energy to adequately practice for my recital on the 31st. I've been using Jacob's practice methods this week where I have been taking quick rests in between practice increments and it seems to be working.... But will it be enough, in three days. I will work extremely hard on my days off to feel confident enough to play the entire piece by memory.

Katelynn and I are no longer friends. This time for good. The other night I went over to her friend Zach's apartment and I got a very cold vibe from her all night. I'll back up....

Right before guitar lessons I'd gotten a text from Katelynn asking what I was doing that night and I responded "nothing : )" and was just excited to spend time with her. I'd had a hell of a week, between my uncle Robert dying (his birthday is today), then Jay completely cutting contact which I had already somewhat anticipated from the beginning because of how he is.

**Note: I have no hard feelings for Jay. Now that this is said and done I realize this is the best thing he probably could have done because he's probably going to start working in Oregon. Ellensburg is further away from Oregon then the tri... He works hard enough as it is and probably just didn't see himself driving four hours to see me on the weekends when the school year starts and didn't know how to say it. 

We'll probably cross paths again down the road. Or not, that's life. It's clear that even someone that egotistical can have feelings for me, though being in a relationship with one is a different story.

When I'd brought up Zach to Katelynn she was like, "Oh that guy that's cute but says weird shit and kind of reminds me of Ron Weasley?"

Someone actually took interest in me out of the blue recently... His name is Zach H. and I work with him. I'd seen him around a few times but didn't really take notice because I thought he was like 18. We were texting eachother a lot that night because we were both drinking and wanted to see eachother. So though I feel like Katelynn was looking for a reason to be mad at me that night for something I said or did, it was very hard to pinpoint one because I was acting distant which probably made things even worse.

Anyway, didn't do anything in particular to make Katelynn mad at me, aside from being beautiful and getting attention from guys that she wanted. Hooking up was the LAST thing on my mind that night, which I did vocalize when I had a few drinks in me and I'm sure was a buzzkill for katelynn because I'm pretty sure she was thinking otherwise. Her and Alan are done for good and Alan is saying Katelynn basically needs to move her stuff out... which I honestly don't blame him for because she's only treated him like shit for the past few months-- I mean I witnessed it and it got to the point I didn't even like to hang out when Alan was there because it was awkward.

Anyway Katelynn found the thing that let her break the friendship off for good. I had left my bag in her car and she scowled at me when she lent it to me in the break room. Chad and I went out to find her car and once I got my bag I remember sticking the key in the libby bag. I then accidentally returned the libby back without giving the key back to her, which I then quickly found....

When I found her in the dress department with her key she stormed up to me and said "Give me my fucking key" and then marched off. There was a group of Hispanic girls that work in the dress department that were like "woah...." and chuckled kind of awkwardly. I'm sure I looked pretty confused, smiling there saying "Alrighty then have a good night..." Ha ha ha.

Yeah haven't seen or heard from her since then. Whatever I don't even care anymore, our friendship hasn't been the same since I lost trust in her on 4th of July and I can't stand her negativity and constant cursing anymore.

peace.

+80 EXPERIENCE POINTS

Hello everyone, today is great. 

Want to know why? Because I've already studied 80 minutes and it's only 7:08 pm.. That means I could actually get more done and not be totally worn out if I wanted too. I'm going to reward myself and play some guitar though.

Yarrrrg, things have become even more passive than before. 

Notice those blankets on the chair? I'm pretty sure that was an indication to me that she doesn't want me using it anymore. Guess who used it anyway because I don't care and need to get work done. I'm sorry that may sound selfish of me but I'm tired of hearing her "sigh" and groan but never actually tell me what the hell her problem is with me. It's almost over. I'm sure she's dying to move out, especially when she's been doing absolutely nothing here aside from school as long as she has. 

I really have no room to talk on that subject in some aspects because I spend a lot of time at my computer doing my own thing as well but at least I have made some sort of an effort to meet people this year. Granted my efforts have been a little futile. Ali texted me tonight saying we need to hang out before the end of the year. We haven't hung out in weeks. I'm happy that we've managed to keep somewhat consistent contact this year and she's a girl I met here. 

But honestly we haven't spent that much time together. Like we've gone to a few parties and usually we'd break off from eachother. The girls that she hangs out with are kind of emotional for my taste. Like they're nice girls, very sweet and caring.. But I just can't keep up. Some girls are just too much for me to handle being around.

Here. Because all of my pictures and posts lately have been boring. Here's a .gif of Emma Watson jumping around. 

Ha ha one of my friends posted this on facebook a long time ago and captioned "I could watch this all day." Granted she's-- straight, well she has a boyfriend so you know what her long term intentions are. But yeah Emma Watson really is gorgeous. I'd like to think she's sort of been one of my look inspirations over the years. I always really liked Hermione in the Harry Potter series too, ha ha people always gave her sh*t for being a nerdy perfectionist and look how she looks now. 

Of course that's a character... Eh, don't care. 

Lol I can't remember if I've already posted this, I'm sure I have.

There's just not much to say tonight guys, I ended up getting a 20/30 on that stats test which SUCKSSSS and I'm not happy about it. Luckily he drops one of the tests so my plan is to do well on the final. Well that's always the supposed plan, ef I thought I'd do well on this test. Gotta work harder.

Terry beat me by 1 fing point. But he got a C. I got a D+. That left a bad taste in my mouth but I talked to a girl that had the exact same problem with the timing as I did and felt better. Her name is Dominique, she's in my speech class but didn't realize she was in my other class as well. 

Uhh yeah that's it guys. Gonna go watch more intervention, guitar, read some econ, smoke my supply and do it all over again tomorrow. The end is near. I'm buckling down a lot now. We've got this week, next week, then finals. Spring quarter's been pretty awesome.

peace.

My first party with booze (storytime everyone!)

Goodmorning everyone.

It's 9:00 am. A friend of mine texted me at 1 in the morning and I did not fall back asleep. I feel asleep at around 6 or 7. I really would have liked to of exercised but not having my computer has made it a little more difficult. Today is Wednesday which means I have two more days here before I intend to go back (on Friday).

I plan on seeing Kari H. tomorrow! We communicate a lot on facebook and I plan to swing by and talk with her before my guitar lesson. I'd like to get back into the routine if waking up early in the morning.

Life has been quite strange the past couple days. After Katelynn and I stopped being friends I had a hard time believing it was real. I've recapped the entire story of what happened in my head numerous times and as the days pass details are becoming cloudier. I will try to back up to the very beginning, which was the day before the party. It's story time people!

Spring Break Party-- My first party with booze,
Trying to find closure with Katelynn
and the Situation 3/13/2013. 

Prologue: Katelynn and I hung out the previous night and walked around Richland. Things seemed fine, just like any other regular night. I brought over the last of some brownies I had left in the freezer which we enjoyed. They were quite old, admittedly. 

Katelynn and I went to the drive through at McDonalds that night over by Leyte, which I remember Jacob M. worked at for quite awhile. Jacob and I were friends and I liked him for awhile my Sophomore year-- I think after I dated Chino and right before I got my license. Anyway, that's off topic. We went to THAT McDonalds.

I ate a chicken  sandwich and fries. I admitted that it tasted pretty good but when we took a walk that  evening I started to feel sick. Katelynn is applying for a job at McDonalds while she looks for work elsewhere. I understand in her circumstances looking for work in this difficult economy you have to take what you can while you look for work to maintain your lifestyle. 

I feel as though Katelynn might have gotten sick of my problems because they seem petty to her. I can understand that. I don't have to work and I still complain about being nervous about money. My parents have supported me while Katelynn's parents have caused her financial stress since she was 16. I've always respected Katelynn for being more independent than I am and I appreciate her for that.  

Ryan, a friend of Katelynn's who at one time dated Katelynn's other friend Toni. Toni and Katelynn had a falling out and Ryan lost touch with Katelynn somewhere around our Junior year of highschool. Ryan is a really cool guy and plays the drums. 

Behind him is Brandon. I can't remember how Katelynn met Brandon exactly, but I was very happy when they arrived pretty shortly after the RSVP time (8:00). 

 

Katelynn was excited to help me plan for the party the night before and I was really nervous to have the party at all. I guess I'm always like that-- I always think "Oh GAHD nobody's going to show up!!" but people eventually do and I'm a happy camper. Because tonight was my first party with alcohol I was especially nervous. What if people drink too much? What if Jacob shows up and I make an ass of myself?

Katelynn and I cleaned the house... well, predominantly Katelynn cleaned it. I'm not going to lie guys, I am a puss when it comes to being tired. It's really hard for me to wake up if I didn't sleep well the previous night, even if I have a party that day. I slept at Katelynn's house the last night on their couch and I wasn't able to sleep at all so I found I was rather bitchy that night without even trying to be. 

That is, completely unintentionally bitchy. I would never want to hurt Katelynn, ever. I feel like sometimes I just go on bantering about things but I'll end up saying something that could have offended her even if it had nothing to do with her necessarily. 

Katelynn wiped off the counters, vacuumed the living room and probably straightened up the living room while I was.... in my bedroom, with Miranda, trying to sleep so that I didn't act feel and unintentionally act like a moody, lathargic bitch all evening. At around 8:00 Katelynn's friend Ryan showed up, who is the bearded gentleman in the picture. We all had fun hanging out and chatting for about an hour and a half before anyone else showed up-- but needless to say I was a little nervous when 9:30 was rolling around and nobody else had showed up yet. 

One of the things I said that probably offendid Katelynn: "Why isn't anybody showing up!" I must have said this 3 or 4 times... It's not like I in any way meant that Katelynn and her friends aren't somebody to me. I was just as excited to have them there as everyone else. I was just thinking of how bad it would be if nobody that Jacob knew had showed up to my party and how lame it would be to say, "Err... yeah I tried to plan that buttttt...."

Brandon and Ricky were the next to arrive. I was sort of surprised they showed up, they brought a couple six packs too. That night I had bought a 28 can-box of Coors light, I believe-- I'm not that particular. 

 

Then Glenn and Adolfo showed up, and shortly after Rhiannon, Kevin and Sheldon M. When Jordan S. showed up with his girlfriend I was like, yay! This is officially a party. I felt there was a respectable amount of people to not be considered a "kickback"-- which is impressive to me because usually Benton City is such a far drive nobody wants to come out here.

Samantha and Shawn were invited but were unable to make it because Shawn had to work in the morning. Josie originally told me she wasn't going to make it because she had a final the next day but then showed up shortly after Joan and Jared. 

 There's me and Josie. As you can see we're wearing practically matching attire unintentionally, ha ha. Basics are the best clothes. Anyway she dropped in briefly, we talked about college and kind of joked around with Joan and Jarred before they left too. Joan must be on spring break too. He lives in Pullman. Josie is currently going to cbc and will graduate in good time. She didn't do running start in highschool so I'm pretty sure she's in her second year there. 

 

Anyway the night rolled on. We got more drunk. I tried to hang out and talk with everyone at one point or another so I didn't spend the whole time with Katelynn. I figured she was having a good time because she was hanging out with the friends that she'd brought. 

As people started to leave I started to move the party outside because my sister had class in the morning. As you can see I sat down next to Katelynn and asked her friend to take these pictures. Again, thought we were having a really good time. 

Fast forward to after the party. It's the day after and I'm exhausted hanging around the house all day. I get a text from Katelynn asking if I was busy-- and I wasn't, really. That morning I'd seen Rhiannon briefly and we walked around town for a little bit before she went to work. She had told me about a party she was going to and told me she would talk to Sheldon about me coming.

When Katelynn asked what I was doing I told her I might hit up Connor (granted I had tried but he didn't get back to me. I haven't seen him a pretty long time) but then later said I was planning to go to bed after all.

That day my Mom informed me that Katelynn had posted a status about like... 'so much for my friends being there for me' or something along those lines. I didn't see the post because my computer has been broken and I was using my cell phone which cut back my facebook contact reliability pretty significantly. 

The next day Katelynn texted me saying she didn't want to be friends anymore with no real explanation other than that she felt the only time I was listening to her was when we were talking about me. 

I would have to disagree but this is the way that she felt and she has every right to cut me out of her life. I just have a hard time believing it.

Forward: Messaged Sarah on facebook the day of the text messages. She told me that Katelynn does this unexpectedly, which I'm aware of, but I never thought it would be me. I thought I would continue to be the constant variable in her life. But times are changing, our lives are changing... And she wholeheartedly meant what she said and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm just trying to move forward. Without my best friend I feel rather empty. She was a person that I grew up with in many ways, our personalities developed together through adolescence. I'm going to miss her.

peace.

Just like that, my life takes a drastic turn.

I've been avoiding writing today because it makes me sick to even think about it. That, and typing on my Mom's computer is a huge pain. I lost a friend today.



I felt as though part of me had died this morning when Katelynn told me out of the blue that she didn't want to be friends anymore. She sent me a text at 9 am: "Take those pictures down." Initially confused, I thought it was for her job interview. She told me no, that she feels our friendship should be over, and that for a long time things have felt very "one sided" and she's tired of making an effort.

Taken last night at Sheldon's birthday party that Rhiannon had invited me too. I had also seen Rhiannon at my party two days ago and at the coffee shop yesterday. We've become better friends since RadCon recently but more than likely we'll end up losing touch until summer.

I started crying, embarrassingly enough because I was surrounded by practical strangers on my friend Sheldon M.'s living room couch. These guys are really nice, though. I was super shocked though, like my body felt sort of numb and my head ached from drinking the night before. I had gone into town to buy my Dad some Matrix hair gel but didn't find it at three places. I ended up buying a generic version at Sally's and he yelled at me for that tonight. I don't blame him, he gave me $100 and I spent all of it... $35 of which for my own stupidity.

I locked my keys in my car last night and had to call a tow guy to come open my car door. When he showed up I had been crying for about an hour. I told him not to come until 10:15 and I was even struggling going home.

A couple people that were at the party didn't know why I was making such a big deal about it because some friends get in fights and make up quickly. Katelynn and I have had our ups and downs. She's stopped being my friend for a period of time and then we've picked up again. Some of my most vivid memories have been spent with Katelynn-- from the System of a Down concert, the Coheed concert, the tons of nights hanging out watching Southpark and Netflix enjoying eachother's company... It's always loved being with Katelynn, she's one of the primary reasons I come home.

Of all the things in my life I never thought that would be threatened. I thought we were going to be "friends forever," and I know that sounds clique but I really did get my tattoo on the back of my neck to prove that. Like granted they're not the same tattoo, and now I'm really glad Katelynn and I did not get tattoos together.... I've come to realize that relationships change in life.

My heart still hurts. I find myself considering the things I've said and wondering if there were signs. Just the other day I told her I loved her. She posted a status about me. I actually texted her to apologize for not "liking" it within a day because my computer's been busted. Who would do that if they didn't care. I also brought her some clothes she'd left at my house the other day even if the trip was kind of out of my way. I try to put effort into our friendship, I always did to the best of my ability.

But the more I think about it the more I realize maybe things weren't quite perfect in our relationship even if I failed to realize it. Katelynn told me to take our pictures down on facebook but I refused because the photos are special to me.

We haven't necessarily talked with her any less since I've moved off to college. In fact I'd say I am home on average more than most people. I said this to Katelynn and she says she definitely understands being busy and it's the time we spend together that has bothered her lately. What's sad is that she hasn't told me anything. I always told Katelynn to tell me if something bothered her, but she said it's been a number of things. There's nothing in specific.

I've just felt crazy all day-- very tired, lightheaded, lazy and unproductive. I only practiced for 40 minutes... And I feel for the first time in years that I have nowhere to turn. Aside from my Mom that is, but I have always felt like I can tell Katelynn things that I can't tell my other friends and family. 

Which means this blog will need to become even more of an outlet for me. These entries will probably become more frequent and longer. If that's a problem for anyone that's too bad, without Katelynn to talk to it's inevitable that I will need this blog and the support of many to get through it. 

Thinking back to my party, I'm I've been trying to put together the pieces as to what broke the camel's back in our friendship, and some of the leading occurrences.... How about I just start out by telling you about my party. 

I will make a seperate entry for this.

peace.

Avery's graduation is on June 1st. Note to self, figure out school schedule.