Was finally able to get an opinion out of terry, it's a miracle! ha ha ha

I apologize if this is written really sloppily guys, I'm exausted beyond belief and I'm going to crash so hard when I finish writing this....

Today's been just a hard work day. I skipped speech class and pray we didn't happen to have that test today because I really needed that nap....

What's strange to me is that Central is having it's book buyback tomorrow which means I plan on selling back my speech and maybe economics depending on if I'm taking the final or not. I probably won't take it unless I got under an 85% on the exam today. I've done really well in that class overall and as long as I'm doing better than Terry I won't take it. I'm putting 100% effort into studying for my stats final right now... and feel as though I'm making little progress on it even if I read the material and do the practice problems again and again. It's just very difficult conceptually. When you are trying to learn stats concepts you feel like your brain is running on a treadmill backwards, it's just so different.

But like I said before, a really good grade on that final equals an A in the class and dropping that exam 4 grade.

So I did get a chance to sit down with Sipic and discuss my thoughts on switching from finance to economics. It didn't take much for him to convince me because I'd honestly made up my decision but he was able to whip up a new graduation plan for me in about 15 minutes. Turns out I could actually graduate at the end of next spring if I major in econ. He also told me that I should consider doing a double major (Economics and finance) because it would only take me two additional quarters (Summer and Fall).. I'm really thinking about doing that, I don't see why not.

I took my econ test this morning and I think I did pretty well. Terry and I met up at around 8 this morning to study for the exam. He didn't seem as solid on a lot of the content as I did but that's obviously because I had no life all weekend.... Anyway we had a really good study session. We had an interesting conversation monday night.

So I was finally able to get Terry to tell me what he thought of me... sort of.. We'd started this by me mentioning that I was starting to find of figure him out and he was like "oh yeah, prove it" you know so I started to list off some things.

I told him that he's "Driven, serious, and have high standards of success for yourself. You are closed emotionally. You're blunt and decisive." He said that was a pretty accurate analysis.

He told me that I am "Start and dedicated to school and your guitar, learning new things, you're kinda quirky but nice and like to do your own thing." I liked this description of me a lot.

Writing right now is painful, I have to go to sleep. night

peace.

Things are never quite clear between us

This is usually how I look on "sloppy sunday." No makeup, giving my hair a day to rest from washing.... Lol notice the noise cancelling headphones. 

Technically today's Monday, Memorial Day. God Bless America

 I did two hours of statistics studying which made me feel really accomplished.. though I did so while watching TV so I don't know how much information I picked up.

 I guess lately I've been using schoolwork to mind off of other things. This morning I woke up with black eye makeup all over my face because I went to bed with my liner on *just in case* Terry ended up actually following through with the plans we had made earlier. Is that pathetic? Probably. Don't worry I washed off the rest of my makeup. After all of it I was just so exhausted from dealing with him.

Terry texted me last night around 6:30 pm when I was on the phone with my mom. He was asking what I was up too and if I had any plans that night. Well no, I didn't, but I said I was having a really nice night anyway. Because I was, I was playing my guitar and minding my own damn business like always. But I did take the time to get ready, though... Which as all you girls know is a PAIN IN THE ASS. And because it was Terry of course I looked my best. 

Throughout the night we kept eachother posted on what we were doing. Of course he's out somewhere making drinks and having fun with his buddies and every time he texts me I'm just doing the exact same thing. Lol playing guitar, studying, cleaning, reading, cooking, facebook.. Seems like that's all I do lately. And any time Terry texts me it's usually the same sequence of messages. Same old what are doing, etc etc... If I try to go into in depth conversation and don't finish with a question there's about a 50/50 chance he won't reply. Even if he was the first one to text me.

It's really odd, he's just not very conversational with me.... I sometimes think his brain is so absorbed in sports like mine is in the guitar that it's hard for him to really think about anything else. He's been sucked into this for so many years though that he doesn't know much other life I think. I've only been into the guitar for a year so I definitely have a wide spectrum of things to talk about aside from that.

But yeah Terry ended up going to some party at a lake and invited me but I wasn't sure what the deal was or even if he wanted me to go. I didn't end up going out there until around 12:30 am... I put "Reecer Creek" on my GPS and it took me about 10 minutes outside of town.

I turned down into a downhill dirt road where my GPS took me and I could hear a river. It was really creepy because there were no cars. I did not get out of my own car but I did crack the window and hear water. I pulled down closer and saw that there was a fence opening but I could not tell if it led to a dark road or the river. I didn't want to go down any closer to the river or get out of my car and check, it was all just too sketchy. I set my gps and drove back.

Terry texted me when I was 5 minutes away from home saying he was outside and didn't know where I was. I'm like alllrighty then. Of course when I was at the creek itself I tried calling him and he didn't pick up, and I knew he was pretty drunk at this point.

So yeah no fun! Came home and slept. He apologized for getting drunk too quickly. I'm like Dude you think this is about that?? It's YOUR BAD for not being clear on plans earlier, get your shit straight.

I'm so exhausted, I'm going to go to bed. Roommate was acting like a snag today but I already talked about it on facebook so I don't want to talk about it on here. night all

peace

Wrapping my mind around what happened this year

I'm going a little stir crazy guys. Here it is, Sunday evening. I haven't left my apartment except for to take out the trash in over 24 hours.

This is what my weekly assignment logs have dwindled down too. Those thing stressed me out because they always made me feel like I had stuff to do. This is more like... hey look how much time I've put toward this. Much more psychologically friendly to look at. 

Damn I've logged some GOOD time this weekend. Very good study hours and practice time. Whenever I do that everything else seems meaningless and I can forgive myself for not doing much else.

I can't believe today's the 26th of May, and that my junior year of college is wrapping up. I've been thinking about what's gone on this year and how I've changed as a person since I've moved out.

Synopsis of this year...

Picture taken at beginning of the year and another taken just recently... 

 I feel like I've learned so much this year and became more confident as a person overall. I've become so independent and don't take shit from anyone anymore. I did go out about once every weekend and would usually spend the rest of it practicing. I practiced an average of an hour a day. Probably studied/did assignments on the weekdays about 2 hours a day on average but sometimes way more. 

 I hung out with a variety of people but most time it was at my place. I didn't spend hardly any time at other people's cramped living spaces. In fact I can only think of one occasion that I entered a dormitory-- Jessie W., who I just flat don't like now ironically. I did hang out over at Jason's dorm over in Stephen's-Whitney. I have not gone over there in a few months because I don't feel like me and Jason have that much in common. 

At the beginning of the year I was feeling pretty lonely and full of anxiety but I super engrossed in my guitar hobby so I didn't even realize it until I started having panic attacks. I dated this guy named Brendan for a little while when I was looking for some support but once I realized I was just using him as a shoulder I cut it lose. I ended up getting on Prozac around January which helped resolve a lot of my emotional stress and anxiety.

My choice of clothes has changed. I've started dressing cuter as soon as Katelynn and I stopped being friends. Losing Katelynn has caused me to gain more independence. I realize how negative we were together and I think being away from her has given me a much more positive outlook on things. 

One of my main accomplishments this year was doing my first recital, that was pretty sick. Lol Jake sent me some pictures, I look like my eyes are closed in most of them. 

Ha ha I'd have to say the weirdest thing that happened to me all year was dealing with this lady (this is the lady that asked crazy questions all year in my econ/stats class and continually tried getting my attention). I actually just looked up her name on facebook and found her profile.  She stopped coming to class entirely about 2 or 3 weeks ago and suddenly lecture started to go by a lot more quickly. I was really curious why she stopped showing up, and her most recent post on May 12 says that she just found out she's pregnant and her dad was having health problems so that explains it.

Her husband has an anti-gay marriage icon as his profile image... blugh.


So yeah anyway it's been a good year. I feel accomplished but ready to get out of Ellensburg and make some money. I'm going to the tri cities this next weekend. My sister has her graduation on Saturday and I'm going to go meet with the manager at Rite aid. Yup, things are falling into place as they should. Last week of classes should be a breeze.

peace.

Just give me more of everything

Today's already been surprisingly productive considering I went out last night.

But things have still felt very uneventful lately. I just want more entertainment, more talking, more being outside, more nice weather, more being with friends, more eating out, more shopping, MORE DOING....  It's just been school-school-school, I've been going at it so hard this quarter I want a vacation.

First of all, I'm responsible for the rent until June 16th. Alrighty that gives us an extra week to get all my stuff back or use this apartment to have a party if I wanted too.. But it's not like I have this huge list of people that I want to hang out with in Ellensburg, obviously. Everyone I want to see is back home so there'd be no point in staying here. I'm just still in charge of rent until the 16th.. I don't know what difference that additional week makes but hopefully it's just something that my Dad won't actually take notice of.


Today I've already gotten some good practice time in, called Rite aid to figure out when the manager is getting back from vacation, and talked to my mom about a few things so those are all good things. It's only 12:33 pm, I still have to run to the bank to deposit that check and grab a few things at the grocery store. The food that I got at bargain market the other day has lasted really well, but I need some frozen fruits/veggies, coffee and belvita for the upcoming week.

I really, really like these. They taste like teddy grahams and hold you over better than any nutrient bar I've ever tried. What I also like is that each individual bag (a box comes with 5) has 4 biscuits so you can kind of use your imagination that you're eating four chocolate cookies. 

Speaking of which I just ate the last of my stale teddy grahams from the cabinet. 

Okay now I just found the go lean crunch. Apparently this has as much protein as an egg so that should keep me going for a little while to procrastinate going to the bank.

I'm hoping I can get a guitar video up on youtube at some point. The two that I have up now are so outdated and I haven't made a vid for my channel in over a month. Ironically now I'm a "partner" but who knows they might want to take it away for my inactivity. Ha ha can't have that happen.

Last night I texted Oscar to see how he'd been and he invited me to come over. I originally met Oscar through Allie. Oscar has really nice guitar equipment so I was having fun jamming with a friend of his and kept on drunkenly knocking the amp over. 

I dunno, I had a good time but I wasn't very talkative last night. I was definitely happy to be out of my apartment and tried to be friendly but I acted spacey. When I got there I was kind of hungry... I remember I'd taken a nap and then texted Oscar at 9' so I must have not eaten since around 5:30 pm. Once I started drinking even just a little bit my head was in la la land.

I texted Terry all pissed off around 12:45 am, lol. I don't even know why. 

So basically my plan for the rest of the day is do what I always do. Just get work and errands done. The weather is nice today, I wonder if it'd be nice enough for me to lay out with my book. I've been reading that finance book and I'm only to page 30 because I'm slow. I'm hoping that I can start reading a lot more this summer. 

Luke J. posted today that he's now giving private lessons via skype. Note that he has an ibanez in this picture? I would loooove to get lessons from him, he can do things I've never seen anyone else do. 

But that'll be after I graduate college and move up to the west side. Which means I'll be taking lessons with Jake another year and three months or so, sounds about right. I don't know if I'd be up to bat for his lessons right now anyway. Jordan S. apparently took lessons from Luke for awhile and said it was brutal, like you've gotta be really skilled to benefit from it. 

 It's a weird musician thing, if your soul is really into it you want to become as good as humanly possible for which means always finding someone better than you to help you advance or you'll always stay in the same place. Figure once I graduate I'll be trying to work for a company on the west side anyway. That'd be so sick to live in seattle and go to concerts at the different venues there. I'm getting bored with this side of the state. 

4:42 pm:

Damn it!! So I went to the bank and it was CLOSED. Which means I can't even buy new episodes of intervention. Nothing interesting is happening today, f* it I'm just gonna practice the rest of the evening. 

peace. 

I give myself permission to be useless on friday evenings

Hey all, it's 6:47 pm on a Friday...

I'm wondering what I should do tonight. I just texted Allie and hopefully I can get some sort of plan together. I'm going to put on another layer of that nice smelling tanning lotion. It actually works surprisingly well, and hasn't been all streaky and ridiculous looking. I'm sure the reason it used to look that way is because I was doing it poorly when I was in middle school and highschool, ha ha that and sports made me all sweaty so it would get all messed up.

Lol the last few days I've just been messing with Terry via text. I've discovered that our relationship is like mush, it doesn't look like it's going anywhere yet nothing's changed since we were initially into eachother at the beginning of this quarter. So that's been nice, really drama free for the most part... I mean most of the time we spent together we spent studying.

This morning I skipped economics because I felt unmotivated after spilling coffee all over my legs. Soo I fixed myself some more coffee, read my econ book for like 45 minutes then went to Stats. I felt like it was pretty lame of me to get up, get ready and skip class but it felt pretty worth it after it was over.

lab today went well! I barely needed any help, but when I reached some snags the redheaded girl that sits in front of me helped me out a lot. Yayy!!! And Sipic told us today that he has basically uploaded a format of EVERY. FREAKING. CONCEPT. that's going to be on the test. There is NO excuse for me not to knock this one out of the park and get a high grade in that class. And he did get my email by the way, but he told me he's been really busy. It seems like a lot of other students are hitting him up to be their adviser too.

He reminds me of Snape, like he made this poor lady feel like such an ass today for being out of line. It was like 11:15 or so in the computer lab and this probably 40-some year old lady (offf course...) comes marching in to get her papers out of the printer. 

"What are you doing?"-Sipic

"Oh I'm just printing some stuff from my other class!"-Knitted hat lady wearing rain coat

"We're have a class, I suggest get out of here as soon as possible"

Love it.

Well I was hoping Allie and I would go out tonight but she's going away this weekend. Damn it, like I said I'd really like to do something... I just wish I had other girls that I'd want to spend time with here. There's this one girl named Dominique in my speech class that seems really smart. She's cute and pretty clever too, and she hates that class as much as I do.I tried adding her on facebook yesterday.

Alright well, guitar time. I want more freaking episodes of intervention but I'm still broke til tomorrow. blagh why is my taste in shows so limited.

Maybe I'll write more later. If something comes up probably not, either way I'll tell you what ends up going on tonight. I'm curious myself. Will this be an interesting memorial day weekend? Or will I just be getting more work done to preoccupy myself? We shall see

peace. 

I've got this under control, But there's no guarantee

Damn, so I told you guys the other day that Terry said Economics is the best specialization competitively.. That's really sat in my mind, so I sent my stats teacher an email on it because he's actually an economics adviser to see what he thinks. He hasn't responded back so I feel like a goob, of course I reread the way that I wrote that email like 5-6 times to make sure it didn't sound weird. He's probably really busy and I can't expect some immediate response. I just feel like I've bugged him more than I've bugged any professor ever.

It's not just my competitiveness with Terry that causes me to contemplate these decisions, it was more my overall experience this quarter. If I do switch over to economics from Finance I am not going to tell Terry because it'll look weird.


So maybe I'll be doing an economics specialization with a MINOR in finance.

I'm not looking forward to my stats lab tomorrow at all so I'm going to kind of study how to do the linear regression models on excel beforehand so I don't get lost on it tomorrow. My A is looking pretty good even with that low exam score-- 20% of the final grade is going to be based on an excel assignment that we turn in. If I can get some help from Kevin P. to make sure I'm on the right track that'd be really helpful.

This is Kevin P., aka Peter Parker from me because he's saved me on a few assignments that I haven't been able to get this year. 

Not saying I'm going to ask him to practically do it for me. In fact I plan on doing an online tutorial on youtube-- how about THAT... But no seriously, Kevin is really smart and he always knows the correct way to do things. He's better at reading directions than I am.

ZZZZZZZPPPPPTTTTTTT

Lol I was taking weird pictures this morning.

Pointing is rude in a lot of cultures so obviously I didn't post this, but I figure why the Hell wouldn't I post it here it's not like anyone really reads this. Or do you, for anyone that does that's super cool-- I don't proofread much when I write these.

..Which can occasionally get me into trouble. I found an old entry and felt super humiliated because it was SUPER open... I have no idea if I was drunk or depressed or super emotional when I was writing that night but GOOD God... I would never, ever be as open with this blog as I did with that entry nowdays. And it makes me wonder what else is back there, but I don't want to look.

Old entries are like old skeletons. I want to be able to dig them up someday when I'm old and be able to indiscriminately read because I'm older and wiser than I am as I'm writing these entries. Like I can read blog entries that I wrote on myspace a long time ago and not feel too embarrassed, but if I find something from 2011 that's super bias or gives off the wrong message I contemplate deleting it because I don't want people to think that's what I represent now. 

Whatever. I'm human, this is a good outlet, I'll say whatever I want on a given day for the most part.

I feel like everyone around me is so sick of school

It's like the weather sucks so bad here in Ellensburg that everyone wants to go home where it's warmer. It's so hard to get motivation when it's rainy so I haven't been doing much of anything but sit around and study. Really these rainy days couldn't have come at a better time because I'm not tempted to go anywhere. Meh... unless it's above 70 degrees I'm pretty good with the indoors. 

Alright it's guitar time. Gotta lesson today, hell yea!!!

peace.

+80 EXPERIENCE POINTS

Hello everyone, today is great. 

Want to know why? Because I've already studied 80 minutes and it's only 7:08 pm.. That means I could actually get more done and not be totally worn out if I wanted too. I'm going to reward myself and play some guitar though.

Yarrrrg, things have become even more passive than before. 

Notice those blankets on the chair? I'm pretty sure that was an indication to me that she doesn't want me using it anymore. Guess who used it anyway because I don't care and need to get work done. I'm sorry that may sound selfish of me but I'm tired of hearing her "sigh" and groan but never actually tell me what the hell her problem is with me. It's almost over. I'm sure she's dying to move out, especially when she's been doing absolutely nothing here aside from school as long as she has. 

I really have no room to talk on that subject in some aspects because I spend a lot of time at my computer doing my own thing as well but at least I have made some sort of an effort to meet people this year. Granted my efforts have been a little futile. Ali texted me tonight saying we need to hang out before the end of the year. We haven't hung out in weeks. I'm happy that we've managed to keep somewhat consistent contact this year and she's a girl I met here. 

But honestly we haven't spent that much time together. Like we've gone to a few parties and usually we'd break off from eachother. The girls that she hangs out with are kind of emotional for my taste. Like they're nice girls, very sweet and caring.. But I just can't keep up. Some girls are just too much for me to handle being around.

Here. Because all of my pictures and posts lately have been boring. Here's a .gif of Emma Watson jumping around. 

Ha ha one of my friends posted this on facebook a long time ago and captioned "I could watch this all day." Granted she's-- straight, well she has a boyfriend so you know what her long term intentions are. But yeah Emma Watson really is gorgeous. I'd like to think she's sort of been one of my look inspirations over the years. I always really liked Hermione in the Harry Potter series too, ha ha people always gave her sh*t for being a nerdy perfectionist and look how she looks now. 

Of course that's a character... Eh, don't care. 

Lol I can't remember if I've already posted this, I'm sure I have.

There's just not much to say tonight guys, I ended up getting a 20/30 on that stats test which SUCKSSSS and I'm not happy about it. Luckily he drops one of the tests so my plan is to do well on the final. Well that's always the supposed plan, ef I thought I'd do well on this test. Gotta work harder.

Terry beat me by 1 fing point. But he got a C. I got a D+. That left a bad taste in my mouth but I talked to a girl that had the exact same problem with the timing as I did and felt better. Her name is Dominique, she's in my speech class but didn't realize she was in my other class as well. 

Uhh yeah that's it guys. Gonna go watch more intervention, guitar, read some econ, smoke my supply and do it all over again tomorrow. The end is near. I'm buckling down a lot now. We've got this week, next week, then finals. Spring quarter's been pretty awesome.

peace.

When your brain hits the frantic button

I had the most ridiculously difficult statistics test today. I studied nearly 6 hours for it total, if not more... I felt like half that time was spent just reading the concepts over and over to just try to wrap my head around what the hell they were talking about. 

I felt like I was doing great on the test until the Sipic said "10 minutes" when I was on problem 16 out of 32. Need I say more?

New approach to finishing stats tests, and math tests in the future..... 

LOOK at the problem, read it. Read it AGAIN. 

Figure out what kind of problem it is.

Don't really look at answers.

Apply equation.

Check algebra. 

Instead I was doing... (*when I realized I was running out of time that is)

Read problem

Look at answers

Try to draw some conclusion and feel a little overwhelmed when the answer didn't stick right out at me (obviously)

Rewrite the f'ing information in the question...

Then find the equation.

Feel pressed for time.

Try to apply equation.

Feel like I'm wasting too much time.

Sloppily apply arithmetic.

Circle closest answer.

It was miserable!! Ha ha, though on the bright side I know I DID get some right answers just from studying the hell out of the material these past few days. I'm hoping that works as a buffer from completely failing the test because that's embarrassing. 

I want an A in that class sooo bad. I want to do super well on that final so I'm going to spend these next couple weeks really solidifying the concepts we've been covering over and over and over again. That's why it's so frustrating is because I can see it coming together but with this kind of math you have to try it again and  again before you actually know it. 

The lame thing about today is that I skipped econ to study for stats but I ended up going back to sleep for an hour and a half after I studied for an hour. I feel like the better option would have been to take a rhodiolla and kept working. That probably would have gotten it to the level that I would have needed to do well on the last 5-6 problems that I pretty much threw away by guessing. 

So yeah sometimes even if I think I've fully prepared myself things can still throw me for a loop. 

Well I had the coolest thing happen today! 

After my friend Matt stopped by at around 6' I finally rallied enough to go grocery shopping. My Mom wrote me a check that I can't switch over to my account until the 25th but until then I am officially BROKE. Lol I had to use that cash today before I spent it on a slice of pizza or something at North because I've been eating away at my food surplus the past couple weeks. That's been a good experience for me in itself because I feel like I was too wasteful at the beginning of the year but that's because I made crappy choices on what I was buying.

$19.94.

When I saw that was the total I was so stoked, like I felt like I had just won the price is right. I had gone through at store in about a half hour. I'm not kidding, it was so fast because I didn't want to give myself time to look around. 

Oh, and I saw Sipic in the f*ing store, I'm not even kidding right now. I was just thinking "Good God I do not want to make small talk with you right now." Especially after I felt like a complete dork because I was the lasttttt one in class to finish that damn test and kind of took advantage of the time constraint. Again, why does this matter to me what so ever? I can't tell you.

Well Terry had no problem acting like a dick today, like always. We actually texted quite a bit today because I'm sure he was pissed off about the test as I was. Lol it's so funny any time we get done with tests one of us will text eachother like "How'd you do?" Next quarter we're going to be in two classes together, with two of the same professors that we had this quarter. I'm excited that I'll have no problem staying motivated in the fall if we can manage to keep this up. 

I think that's why we never get too close... is because neither of us want to lose this. It's like I'll try to be kind of flirtatious with him occasionally but his responses are usually kind of vague. I kind of like to think of Terry as more than someone I just study with and use as a tool of motivation because there is still some weird part of me that likes him. Or maybe I just like the overall outcome of being around him. It feels fantastic to have someone as competitive as I am to fuel my fire. 

The high point of my day was getting in contact with someone and getting their number completely unexpectedly. Well that and my friend Matt came over. Yeah it wasn't a terrible day. All I know is I wanted to write and I need to study econ.

peace. 

It's never enough!

Lol I haven't thought of a good status in couple days so I posted this to reflect how exhausted I've been lately. I was debating putting it as my cover but "pocket sand" is just too good and I'm probably running out of number of times I can excusably have a king of the hill photo.

I have to go to speech class where I plan on sitting closer to the back and studying my statistics for tomorrow's exam. I went to the library and printed a packet of the steps of the two main procedures I'll need for tomorrow. I feel like I'm right on the edge of understanding it. Like it's just a matter of really doing some practice problems which I'm going to spend a couple solid hours on today to ensure I don't do worse than Terry on tomorrow's exam.

 Terry and I met up this morning at 7:30 to study for the quiz and he kept expressing how much he hates true/false questions. I could go either way because I've gotten pretty lucky on those tests. Oh! He told me today that he's actually going to get a MINOR in Finance now and a DOUBLE major in Economics and civil engineering. Damn it how dare he find a more impressive major then me?!?! 

Because apparently economics is suddenly the fanciest and hardest and best specialization to the business major... Which is apparently what Sipic told him, which means Terry is going to be able to take more classes with him which makes me really jealous too. I've learned so much from his class this quarter, I really want to keep taking classes with him but I might feel different after another quarter. 

There's no reason for me to jump to conclusions about anything. The only thing that's important to me right this second is that test tomorrow. I might write more later. 

It's only 2:37, if anything interesting comes up I'll let you anonymous readers know. But more than likely tonight will just be the usual. Nothing wrong with that. I feel really happy that I was able to go to school this whole year without having the stress of having a job on top of it because it's really enabled me to take full advantage of my time here. 

peace. 

Typical end of the quarter overload, still feeling out of it

Yo.

I came home this weekend for a couple things: first and foremost to turn in my job application at Rite aid and second to escape. I felt really depressed waking up Saturday morning because the previous night I'd gone to a bar and felt hungover so I didn't get up until 12.  That hangover kept me from getting really anything done all day.

Well it would have been one thing if the previous night was good. I felt like that whole night I just felt uncomfortable because I was with a bunch of people I didn't know and couldn't make conversation very easily. It's funny, sometimes strangers won't phase me at all and I'll be totally friendly and other times (especially when I'm in kind of a sad mood) it's a lot harder.

I actually saw Terry at the bar and it looked like he was like.. cornering this girl. He actually saw me there but didn't talk to me at all. Granted by this time it was 1:30 or so and I was ready to get the hell out of there. I was feeling really uncomfortable in the first place and seeing Terry there was the icing on the cake.

I don't want to talk about that anymore. To be honest "feeling" is more of an inconvenience in my life than most things so I try to drown it out with studying, watching documentaries about people with messed up lives, practicing my guitar like a madman and meditating. That's my life. I want close friends that I can spend time with and open up too but finding people that I feel I can relate to is such a challenge.. That and so many girls are too wrapped up in their boyfriends to give a shit about having friends.

that's the thing that a lot of people don't realize is much harder about being a single woman than a man. Men actually know how to be friends with eachother and spend time without having crazy hangups. But of course when I hang out with a guy in a strictly friendship manner but spend a bunch of time with them they can sometimes develop crushes and then I end up losing them as friends in the long run because I have to let them down.

Ugh. I'm probably over exaggerating again. Things are going more than fine for the most part and I've really got no room to complain, it's just time for me to come home and I'm realizing that now. I'm ready for a change of environment and be around people that know who I am.


So between now and tomorrow at 9 am tomorrow I have to:
-Drive home... (which takes 90 min)
-Study econ for 90 min (online, multiple choice ?'s on 2 chapters)
-2 problems on the stats homework (I've got about 6/15 done right now. Figure I'll have two more hours to get the rest of it done between classes tomorrow)

peace.

Just keep talking

My stats teacher picked out and lended me this book today out of his office.

I asked him if he'd give me some summer reading and he said I needed to read this to better understand our country's financial crisis. Hurrah. I'm totally going to read this sh*t cover to cover and  try to understand it by this August, I don't even care why the hell not I won't have anything better to do aside from mind numbing retail work. 

I was acting like such a dumbass in his office today. He's my advisor now, I'd think, because he laid out my entire schedule for me quarter by quarter and what to register for and when to anticipate graduating. Do you know how much of a favor that was? He seemed totally happy to do it too.

We did talk briefly, and we somehow got to talking about music. He said that being from Eastern Europe he knows a LOT of metal. He mentioned that he was a big fan of In Flames in college.

Ah! In Flames, okay yeah I've sort of heard of these guys. I know for sure Jacob has brought up some of their songs to me. In fact I'm sure he knows a couple. I don't know if that "Dia de los muertos" t-shirt that he's wearing signifies the band's image but I have seen Rachelle use covers on facebook with a similar style. 

I asked him if he's heard of Opeth... Swedish. Not even f**king close to Croatia (derp) but it was the only current metal band I could think of from outside the US on the tip of my tounge. He HAS listened to Dream Theater of course, but I also mentioned that I'm learning other genres like that I'm learning Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Definitely not a band I thought I'd like but they have great guitar melodies. 

So yeah, happy to have that all laid out. Today was a pretty overall good day.

Today in Stats we actually went to this thing called Source... it was a presentation where a bunch of students presented their research. There was a range of ages, like from highschool to the tutor in economics giving his final presentation. There were also some fashion design people and I asked about their amateur lines. It was fun, definitely a nice break instead of lecture. But I like lecture anyway so it doesn't matter, lolol so bad okay I'll stop I'll stop.

I am totally going to read that freaking book over the summer though. I'm excited to read whatever it is he's encouraging me to know about. When I listen to him and trying to comprehend everything that he says it reminds me of when I'm talking to Jake. I can listen to it for hours because I feel like so much of what he's saying is of use to me. I just love getting to know people that know what the hell they're talking about that I can learn from and trust what they're saying is not bullshit. 

This has been one of the reasons I've really liked coming to college. 

I am trying to be as optimistic about this summer as I can. I've been thinking a lot about someone. Not of Terry or Jack or anything, neither of which I've been talking too at all lately. I'm just so over it, I don't care. But I can't help but wonder what it is that continue makes men change their mind back and forth whether or not they want to communicate with me.

Does it matter at all? Nope. Really doesn't... I want more friends actually in my life right now. Like I just want to watch Netflix and eat junk food with a friend but instead I end up with guys in my life that are always seeking some ulterior motive and either A) They confess this to me, creep me out and I can't be their friend anymore or B) They never do but act increasingly passive aggressive toward me over time if they did initially have feelings for me. 

So obviously I'd want to hang out with girls right now. I don't know, I want to hang out with a mix. I want to see different people that I had at my party that one night, they were a total blast. Like Glenn, Ricky, etc. I'd like to spend a lot of time with my family, too. Maybe sitting around outside playing guitar with Miranda running up to me. It's nice to think about.

Time to go to bed.

peace. 

this lonely girl wants to go home, lol.

Today's been a good day for the most part.

Granted I didn't study economics or stats outside of class today... So I'll have to do that after I finish this blog for sure. I've been putting it off because I've needed to talk to someone but haven't been able to get through to my parents. Tonight I called Ashley briefly but the line kept cutting out so she could barely hear me. I'm getting sick of this apartment for that reason alone.

Me and Jack just aren't talking now because he hasn't responded to me or let me know why he's not responding to me for about two weeks now so like evvvvvery other time of course I texted him about it. The 4 year cycle continues.

There's nothing anyone can do to bring me down right now, I refuse to let anyone's actions toward me have any effect on that anymore. I have everything I need now except for friends in Ellensburg, unfortunately.

I mean I guess I know people here. I've certainly had many interesting conversations on the fly and asking them questions, but I rarely actually hang out with people I meet here. I met this really cool guy named Daniel M. that's in a couple of my classes that I was really hoping to hang out with (we did once and it was totally chill) but his best friend acted really cold toward me and all of a sudden he didn't want to be my friend anymore.

His friend is Sasa who's been sitting next to me in econ all quarter but I didn't talk to him until today on facebook. He's surprisingly a lot nicer than I expected, like he has a way of acting really passive toward people but once I got to talking to him I hope that we can be friends. 

I just wish I had more people that I could call up and chill with. I don't feel like I have much of that here. I definitely don't blame it on my location, though. Because I realize now that it'd be like this wherever I went. My independent nature keeps me happy this way but it also makes me sometimes feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things.... but if I spent my nights hanging out at people's house's drinking, kicking it or playing video games all year I wouldn't be half as good on guitar as I am now. I sacrificed even attempting to have a social life at the beginning of the year because of it but it's gradually gotten better. Meeting people in business classes where you never say boo to anyone can be a challenge. 

Sipic and I talked on the way out of class today and he asked me what major I was doing and whether or not I'd registered for my classes. I'm like uhh not quite yet (note that registration started today) and he's like, "Welllllll you better get on that then" in his accent (ugh, lol he laughed today when we were talking too it was awesome). I told him that I'd had a basic idea but that I didn't know for sure yet.

Later this evening I tried registering for my classes and it wouldn't let me on. I sent Sipic a message about this and he sent me a super prompt reply on what he thinks I should do. Ha ha I'm taking his public finance class in the fall, really excited to be taking another one of his classes. That's two of three professors that I'll be taking again next quarter but honestly this has been my best quarter academically yet and if it's not broke don't screw it up.

Anyway he basically informed me that I'll be able to have some of my credits double-counted and only have to take one additional class to get a minor in economics. Cool!! 

peace. 

king of the beards

LMFAO, yes! Well this completely made my day.

Went to the library and met the Central Beards club today. I actually think this was there first meeting, but just look at that awesome turnout!! Though I can't say I'll be joining but I still think this is an awesome form of self expression.

Because men take a lot of freakin' pride in their beards. Ha ha if any of you have seen the documentary Mansome you'd know the amount of time and proper care to grow one of these mammoth beards. They actually have worldwide beard competitions in Germany, too.

There's a new coffee place in Richland with a beard them too. I guess it's just big nowdays. So big there's a  large enough margin of people at Central to start a club (...But there's no guitar club..? ha ha ha)

You just never know what you're going to find around here. I just great how in college people can express themselves any way they want too in some respect. It really gives you a chance to reinvent yourself from what your environment growing up at home gave you.

Anyway, aside from beards...

Today's been pretty good, I got my powerpoint and outline done for tomorrow so that's not hanging over my head anymore. I still have the notecards to do but that didn't take long. I skipped economics today because I felt like sleeping in and went straight to stats. Terry skipped today. The material was really challenging in statistics today and this concept is hard as hell to wrap your head around.

I'm just going to continue to practice it each day and finish this quarter out strong. Usually it's about this point that has me so burnt out on school that I can barely focus anymore but the fact that I'm leaving soon has given me more inspiration. 

I'm starting to get a very positive outlook at my first year at Central overall, I've really learned a lot about myself here.I didn't do hardly any partying or anything outrageous but that's because I never felt much of a need too. I feel almost perfectly content with where things are going right now, and have accepted that I'm moving back this summer. 

One lose end is that Jack and I haven't talked in over a week so I finally sent him a text today like what is your deal, are you blowing me off again? Well I guess if I don't get a response there's my answer. I just don't f&^%ing get it with men. I mean clearly Jack has limited time but having zero communication for over a week just makes me think he's interested in some other girl. If that happens seriously you guys I've had it. I'm just so tired of wondering what his deal is with me and he's never given me a straight forward answer about this in my life.

I sent him a text confronting him about it, like dude just tell me straight up, are you blowing me off right now?  Ugh it's so fucking embarrising and frustrating to ask him this because he was the one that initially contacted me, AGAIN. Now I'M put in this awkward position of having to ask him. 

I swear I've lost all feeling toward people. Not to say I'm a sociopath by any means, I mean I'm extremely compassionate  but I mean like the feeling of having a "Crush" or hoping something comes from a situation with someone. I've just learned to accept that there's nothing I can do about any of it and just have to let God take care of it.

I just want respect. That's all I care about. If I'm respected I'm good, if you're not clear with me and act like you're just pulling my leg for your own ego trip then I want nothing to do with you.

peace.

Some tough news.

Hey guys,

I've got some news. Last night it became apparent to me that taking classes here this summer just isn't happening. I initially had thought out this whole scenario of how nice it will be here spending the summer working, taking a class and getting to continue this independence but it's not the right choice.

Last night Terry and I hung out around 10:00 pm. Note that we had initially made plans to study together at 7 pm but then he told me he had to work on a philosophy paper and that we should "tomorrow." At this point I had put on my makeup so I'm like "Wow, lame.." and sort of bitched about it. He ended up coming over after he finished the paper and we hung out in my room.

It was so awkward. I don't know if it was just the fact that my brain was fried after the kind of emotionally draining weekend of him flaking on me but I couldn't make conversation for shit last night. There were a lot of awkward pauses, I felt nervous and unsure about the situation. It's just hard for me to communicate with him because he's not easy to read and sometimes he doesn't even give responses to what you say. So you're just kind of sitting there like... uh, okay then...

I cried last night, for the first time in awhile I just broke down. I had somehow built it up in my head like this summer was going to be different than any summer I'd ever had.
That I'd be able to simultaneously:
-take a class to get ahead of my degree,
-stay out of my parents house
-Work full time
(...AND get to spend the time with either Jack or Terry that I've wanted outside of school.. depending on which one of them actually gets in contact with me after school ends.. which could have been neither!)

Because with Jack not talking to me at all anymore and it getting more and more clear that Terry and my personalities don't mesh like I'd wanted them too... It's just too painful, I have to get out of here. Obviously I still have feelings for Jack, and it's just been this merry-go-round for the past four years of trying to make things work with other guys but it always comes back to this.

And now I'm moving back to the tri cities because I need to save money and take a break from school before next year. Seriously you guys my classes are going to be crazy next year, 15 credits of finance, marketing and economics per quarter-- that's BUSINESS CONCEPTS AND MATH-MATH-MATH. I can't help feeling sort of intimidated by it which is why I pray to just have the energy to work hard each day to improve my mind to brace myself.

It means making sacrifices. Living in Ellensburg this summer would be very costly, and there's not very many people that live around campus so it's VERY dead. Hell, campus isn't necessarily the most lively place during the fall, either, like when I showed up here this last September a week early I remember how weird it felt.

Granted I would be working, so I wouldn't feel the amount of desolation. But I would be under a lot more stress. I've never actually done a waitress job before, which would require me to probably work nights and have to sacrifice a lot of my guitar and "me" time.

I remember how consistent and easy my schedule was at rite aid. That job didn't stress me out at all, my coworkers respected me and there's a new manager there that seems like a real nice guy. I don't mind getting my job back at Rite aid at all this summer, it'll be fun. Just need to figure out who I'm gonna kick it with now that Katelynn's out of my life.

This is the girl I plan on kidnapping a lot this summer. 

 I'm totally fine with her bringing her son around if we go out somewhere, that wouldn't bother me at all I'm so used to kids. She's just so cool and seems like a person I would want to be good friends with. I want to support her when she needs it, have someone to go places with to just chill around the tri cities and do whatever the hell we want like me and Katelynn used to do. Arwen is a lot like Katelynn, she's f*&^ing real. 

...A lot of these girls around here are annoying as Hell, why do girls lose their maturity in their 20's when guys start growing up? This makes no sense to me! 

And I also plan on seeing Sam of course and I'm sure I'll have some coffee dates and movie nights with Josie too. 

OH!!! And guitar lessons IN PERSON with Jacob again!!! YAAAAAY!!!! 

Hell yea I'm gonna practice soo hard this summer.. No school means MORE GUITAR.

My mom and I talked on the phone this morning and it was surprisingly easy for her at this point to convince me that no, I shouldn't be financially independent this summer, and yes, I should come home when the quarter's over. 

But now I'm happy because I'm starting to think that things are going to be fine, like there are so many GOOD things about the tri cities that I don't have in ellensburg. Like places to shop, most of my friends are there, etc etc... 

One thing that Jacob did tell me when I told him I was stressed about whether or not I was moving back is that "It'll be fine, you'll keep busy." Couldn't have said it better myself. 

peace.

This weekend gave me a lot of time to think...

Morning.

I finally broke the question to Kristin about whether she's staying or going this summer. She's moving out on the 8th, which means I have less than a month to find a new roommate and a job. I plan to continue my search this week. I haven't gotten one call back yet which is discouraging but I'm going to keep trying. I really want to take that class this summer..

This week I also have to give that persuasive speech. I think I'll put together that presentation today, shouldn't take too long and putting it behind me now will save a lot of stress later. This weekend has been pretty boring but fine. My brain feels pretty rested for the upcoming week.

So today will be a good day if I do the following:

- Practice at least hour of guitar

- Read + Note take stats chapter 14 (think it's my third time going through this, apparently this is very important...)

- Read 1st half of Money and Banking chapter for econ...

- Create presentation on Meditation for Speech

And of course eat good food, try not to stress out, not spend all day scrolling through facebook, etc etc.. If I get started early I have plenty of time to get all this done.

Last night I was able to get into a really deep state of meditation to the point that my limbs felt completely gone, it was so cool. Meditation has allowed me to start sleeping on my back instead of my side which I have read is better for your skin.

Initially I was pretty stoked when Jack and I were spending time together again but not talking for an entire week has sort of killed it. Jack told me that he hates texting.. Okay, well, if you hate texting it would be nice if you would at least offer to grab coffee or something throughout the week if he was actually interested in me. It's like shit, don't do me any favors buddy.

Terry on the other hand has been texting me quite a bit since he asked for my number on Tuesday. He asked what I was doing this weekend on Friday and suggested we hang out which was different for him. He's usually not that forward in person. We texted each other on Friday but I think he's been out partying this weekend. I'm hoping we get a chance to study together either this evening or tomorrow. Or who knows, actually hang out...

We'll see.

peace.

Born without a chance

To be honest I feel as though I'd rather not be here right now, and I hope that by the end of writing this blog I can be more relaxed to enjoy the rest of my night.

I am wide awake. I took a Bronkaid earlier after having little motivation to do anything after being out in the sun for a little while. A met up with a Japanese exchanged student Masaya and a group of his friends and played frisbee in the park for a little while pretty shortly after Evan hit the road this morning. I am freaking horrible at frisbee you guys, it was embarrassing. But it was still fun being out in that courtyard out by the music building. There were a bunch of guys playing football out there that I noticed were sort of eyeballing me when I was walking across the field to hang out with a bunch of Japanese people, it was kind of funny.

But yeah since then I haven't been up to anything really. I've been picking stuff up around here, did the laundry, played guitar for a little over an hour (and I'll probably play again here shortly) and talked to my Mom on the phone for about 45 minutes. It was a good conversation, of course. We're always just talking about what's been going on with these guys that kind of come in and out of my life, my classes, etc etc... I can talk to her about anything and I'm so lucky for that.

I sometimes think when I'm sad and alone how hard it must be for people that have never had their parent's support.

Austin, age 23, "When Austin’s stepfather died from alcoholism, he turned to alcohol himself to numb the pain. His girlfriend is now pregnant, and he’s doing as much partying as he can before his child is born. Austin needs an intervention to become a sober dad and break his family’s cycle of alcoholism."

http://interventiondirectory.wordpress.com/post-intervention-deaths/

I've been watching and downloading a lot of intervention that has leaked onto Youtube lately, and this is one episode that stood out out to me. Turns out the A&E actually has a directory of people that have died after intervention, and when I read that Austin was on there it made me a little sad because in his situation he really didn't have a chance. His Dad left his Mom when he was 2 and refused to be in any part of his life until he was in college. His biological father actually had the nerve to give him $12,000 to help pay for his living expenses but still couldn't wouldn't give him the satisfaction of building a real relationship with his son. For him it was like getting rejected all over again..

Shortly after he dropped out of college, got a girl pregnant, and continued to drink and party himself to death. Clearly he turned to heroin in the end, and you can just see how he was trying to mask all the pain and rejection in his life. 

Watching people's stories on Intervention always helps me better understand why people behave the way they do which has always fascinated me. Like we're all people trying to make it in this world but some of us are born in such worse circumstances than others and moving forward for some is nearly impossible. I miss when Netflix had the rights to air this show but now I've just been waiting for more episodes to be temporarily uploaded on youtube so I can put them on my computer. 

That's really all I have to say about today. Nothing's really been up. I'm feeling a little better now that I've admitted that to my blog. What can you do, right? 

peace. 

1:08 pm:

Today's been pretty fun, good day so far. Barely anyone was in Econ this morning. Terry and the crazy lady skipped. There are some people that never skip, like Nathaniel. I forgot his last name again. But I did add this guy from my statistics class that I've wanted to meet for weeks.

His name is Kieran and he's like the funniest, friendliest, coolest guy. I can't even explain it, his personality is extremely magnetic. You can just tell he'd be a person a lot of people would want at their parties.. He's pretty intelligent and has helped me with a couple lab assignments. 

Initially he reminded me of someone that would be on TV so I caught myself literally staring at him in class because I wanted to figure out what actor he reminded me of. When I  added him today I realized he'd done it himself:

Anyway yeah I managed to sit by him in lab today. He's also friends with the girl with the cross hands ring as well as another guy with a hipster look that always uses his laptop during class. Wow I know I've mentioned "girl with the cross hand ring" a number of times in this blog because I still don't know what her name is. I initially thought she was really annoying when she was in my class in accounting but I've actually grown to like her as being a more lively people in a group. She used to be really chatty in Holtfreter's class, but really hasn't been in our other classes so I might have judged her too quickly. I try not to judge people by their skin color (super tan) or hair color (bleach blonde) again. For some reason those biases grew inside of me but I realize how that judging people only breeds hate.

 I wouldn't want someone to judge me just on my looks. 

Looks are typically the initial source of attraction, which I've been lucky with.

Honestly in the past my personality drove most men away. I was very insecure. I would end up sabotaging it by either freaking out without the guy knowing what they did or acting kind of.. err, obsessive, because I couldn't deal with the emotions. Either way it would end, and I would normally feel MUCH better about my life again in a couple of days. 

Today I don't have hardly any emotions, which helps. I feel that now that my teenage years are over my brain is starting to really develop and focus on what's most important. 

I'll write later. 

5/11. 1:29 am

I.... am.... drunk. Is that tacky to tell you all this? It's harder for me to write right now because I drank a bottle of wine. My friend Evan drove over from the Tri cities to hang out with Brad and I. I picked up a bottle of this strawberry wine at Happy's and downed it in about an hour and a half. I honestly haven't drank in quite awhile. 

Right now my brain feels completely retarded. There's no way I could play the guitar or exercise or do anything productive. If this is what "functioning" alcoholics are trying to prove works for them... then they're... not.. Not fooling anyone. Something like that. ugh fudge it

peace. 

You might have won this time. . .

Hello everyone, it's is 5:30 in the morning. 

I went to bed really early last night after kind of forcing myself to read half of my stats chapter. We're learning about confidence intervals right now and it's kind of easy to make mistakes. Lol I told myself if I get above a 3.8 in Sipic's class I'm going to ask him about his medicinal marijuana observation that he's running. Yesterday Terry asked me, "Do you like him?" I'm like YEA. like duh. ha ha, he's sooo intelligent I'm dying to know what the hell he's doing driving all over California asking about medicinal marijuana and probably getting paid to do this research. 

So my rival and I have been talking a bit lately... Terry and I BOTH did well on the stats exam but he got a 28 when I got a 27. He's so full himself right now. I told him look you better keep on top of this damn material because when that final comes around whoever gets a better score on that is the CHAMPION... 

For the 

Current scores:

Terry has 146 pts.

I have 142.

THAT EFFING HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT that I was lazy on... If I had got 15/15, we would be tied. Ugh. 

Well anyway we'll see how well Terry did on this Econ test yesterday. To be honest neither of us thought we did well but about a quarter of the questions I got correct on the test were because he had explained the concept to me that morning. I know I've been stronger than him in Econ up to this point.. if he got a higher score on yesterday's test AND our stats test then I'll be mad

I am going to start logging how much time I study on average for each test so I can alleviate more stress that comes with sitting down and working. Sometimes when I think about sitting down and think about learning something my mind has an immediate response thinking that it's going to take an infinite amount of time... It doesn't, 5 hours is probably my average per important class per test.

...Not saying my speech class isn't important, but I honestly haven't read that book since day 1. The irony is that the exact same thing happened in my first speech class (no wonder I was getting such crappy grades in there) as well. There's just something so unnatural feeling about reading a book about giving speeches, I can't do it.

Damn, I'm kind of tired after all that writing. I'm gonna go back to bed for a half hour before I get up and shower. Morning is a great time to meditate.

___________________________________________________

10:12 am:

Yo. I got an 84 for on my econ test. Not bad, means I missed 4 questions. Terry bailed shortly after class started with another guy who was going on about how hard the test was. He pretty much just wanted to know his test grade and bailed, he's so stubborn, lol. 

I actually didn't listen to lecture today because Carbaugh was going over the test. I was reading the new chapter and annotating, got in about 45 minutes of studying so that was a plus.

I've been in a writing mood since I woke up this morning. That or talking but lately I haven't been hanging out with girls at all. Not intentionally of course, it's just harder to have consistent friendships with girls when their so wrapped up in their boyfriends and don't really feel a need to have new friends. 

peace.