22 in 1.15 hours. Government might shut down for it.

Hello everyone.

This birthday has weighed on my mind quite a bit. I feel like this birthday has been more of a realization of adulthood than 21 was. Any time I begin to feel worry about aging I begin to think about how much more stressed and insecure I was this time last year... How I wasn't barely eating anything while trying to cram for 3 hours.. Ha ha, thank God for people like Kevin P. and Burnadette P. that gave me advice about the importance of rest and good food early on.

Me about this time last year. Cute picture but that dingy green tanktop is a pretty good representation of what I chose for my wardrobe at the time. Actually most days I'd wear practically all black to class-- either jeans and a black tank top or black yoga pants with a black tanktop. I was so stressed out at the time that I only cared about what was comfortable. 

This time last year I was also going through an increasing amount of anxiety. Note that I wasn't taking Prozac until about January, by then having gone through months of panic attacks and feeling the need to completely cut myself from the outside world as much as possible. Over time of taking my medication my panic attacks have ceased and my general outlook on live has improved. This has come from the support of my friends too.

Today was a typical Monday. Both of my economics professors spent a good amount of time talking about how there is potential for government shut down over the disagreement about Obamacare. Now that I realize why the Republicans oppose it I can see why this is happening... Originally I thought it all had to do with republicans feeling uncomfortable about the government overstepping it's bounds by making everyone buy insurance-- when in actuality it's the CHEAP insurance itself that is the problem. If Obamacare is implemented it will likely be run by democrats and republicans feel like this will give democrats too much power because all the people buying cheap insurance will want to keep the program running and will be more likely to vote democrat. It makes sense.

Yeah honestly I didn't understand why the Republicans hated Obamacare so much until Sipic explained it today. I love his lectures, the way he says things just makes sense.... even this totally abstract tool that he's trying to teach us about being able to measure the maximum amount of utility (pleasure) people can get from the stuff they buy. By the looks of it finding out how to do this is going to be a complete b**ch but the way he explained what it was made sense which is always the first step to figuring this junk out...

The formulas in economics are really bizarre and abstract because it tries to make humans actions (assuming that they're rational) quantifiable-- then to be moved onto graphs and stuff to be used for a company's research. It's not as boring as it sounds; actually it's the closest thing humans can get to predicting the future.

I texted the guy in my public finance class who's also the president of the econ club asking him when the first meeting is. He's friendly and helpful and I got the info I needed on that. I also signed up for that career fair november 1st that'll hopefully land me an internship.

Moving right along, yay. Sorry this entry was kind of boring guys.

peace.

Some random fun. weird body aches. New recital piece

Yo.

The last few days have been pretty good. I hung out with Ashleigh E. and we ended up going to this bar called the Parkade for their karaoke night. Ha ha you know me I don't sing but I still had a good time getting drunk and hanging out with them. We went to Denny's afterward and I ended up eating half a grand slam and getting sick shortly after. I did not wake up with a hangover though which was a plus... but I was freaking exhausted most of the day. Not that it matters, STILL NOT WORKING....

I called JCpennies today and talked to Katelynn's manager Thomas about the non-responsiveness from my employing manager and hoping to get some answers on when I could expect to start work. He told me that Amy is working and he would write down my name and number to make sure she calls me back in a couple of hours. She didn't. What the Hell, seriously. I would have gone to the business by now if it wasn't for my gas money situation. Ugh this whole month of being broke has been the pits in some ways but I've been getting REALLY good practice time in.

Jake and I had a really good lesson yesterday and he convinced me to play master of puppets in the recital. I showed him a couple songs I had printed-- Gone away by the Offspring and a Favor House Atlantic by Coheed and Cambria. He doesn't really like Coheed and the Offspring is supposedly a piece of cake skill wise and wouldn't really showcase how far I've come. So Metallica it is. It's a freaking epic song and I'm willing to take the challenge.

Tomorrow is going to be a really busy day because I'm going to Shavonne's wedding and might be going to the movies later that night. My sister's boyfriend Jimmy apparently knows this guy that invited him to a movie (yes, invited Jimmy to a movie) recently and asked if I wanted to go so that it wouldn't be as awkward with three people. This guy is really cute and I added him on facebook but haven't actually heard from him yet. Still, if this works out it'll be cool to meet him.

Tonight I got invited to go to a club with Ashleigh and a few other people and since I've already got my practice time in I figure why not. Might as well have some fun before I get worn out with work.. which I'm praying is soon.

I don't really know what my deal is but lately by body has been aching really bad. I think it might be going through some kind of shock from the medication so I'm a little sore and could be for awhile. I've been feeling kind of bloated and my lower back has been very sore. I actually have been wearing a heating pad all day and took a long nap hoping it would go away. Going to take my second shower here in a minute.

peace.

king of the beards

LMFAO, yes! Well this completely made my day.

Went to the library and met the Central Beards club today. I actually think this was there first meeting, but just look at that awesome turnout!! Though I can't say I'll be joining but I still think this is an awesome form of self expression.

Because men take a lot of freakin' pride in their beards. Ha ha if any of you have seen the documentary Mansome you'd know the amount of time and proper care to grow one of these mammoth beards. They actually have worldwide beard competitions in Germany, too.

There's a new coffee place in Richland with a beard them too. I guess it's just big nowdays. So big there's a  large enough margin of people at Central to start a club (...But there's no guitar club..? ha ha ha)

You just never know what you're going to find around here. I just great how in college people can express themselves any way they want too in some respect. It really gives you a chance to reinvent yourself from what your environment growing up at home gave you.

Anyway, aside from beards...

Today's been pretty good, I got my powerpoint and outline done for tomorrow so that's not hanging over my head anymore. I still have the notecards to do but that didn't take long. I skipped economics today because I felt like sleeping in and went straight to stats. Terry skipped today. The material was really challenging in statistics today and this concept is hard as hell to wrap your head around.

I'm just going to continue to practice it each day and finish this quarter out strong. Usually it's about this point that has me so burnt out on school that I can barely focus anymore but the fact that I'm leaving soon has given me more inspiration. 

I'm starting to get a very positive outlook at my first year at Central overall, I've really learned a lot about myself here.I didn't do hardly any partying or anything outrageous but that's because I never felt much of a need too. I feel almost perfectly content with where things are going right now, and have accepted that I'm moving back this summer. 

One lose end is that Jack and I haven't talked in over a week so I finally sent him a text today like what is your deal, are you blowing me off again? Well I guess if I don't get a response there's my answer. I just don't f&^%ing get it with men. I mean clearly Jack has limited time but having zero communication for over a week just makes me think he's interested in some other girl. If that happens seriously you guys I've had it. I'm just so tired of wondering what his deal is with me and he's never given me a straight forward answer about this in my life.

I sent him a text confronting him about it, like dude just tell me straight up, are you blowing me off right now?  Ugh it's so fucking embarrising and frustrating to ask him this because he was the one that initially contacted me, AGAIN. Now I'M put in this awkward position of having to ask him. 

I swear I've lost all feeling toward people. Not to say I'm a sociopath by any means, I mean I'm extremely compassionate  but I mean like the feeling of having a "Crush" or hoping something comes from a situation with someone. I've just learned to accept that there's nothing I can do about any of it and just have to let God take care of it.

I just want respect. That's all I care about. If I'm respected I'm good, if you're not clear with me and act like you're just pulling my leg for your own ego trip then I want nothing to do with you.

peace.

Well, this weekend was pretty productive I suppose.

Tyler D. came over last night and we uploaded some games onto my computer. He uploaded over 600 classic video games, they're all really retro 64' games that I can run on with my keyboard. Should be pretty entertaining to mess with one of these days. We had a nice visit. He came over randomly when he had to pick up Julie from a party. He had to sort of sneak in the house because my parents were sleeping. I don't feel Tyler like *that* anymore, and it's funny to think of a time that I did. We're really just good friends now, and ironically of all those guys I talk to him more than anyone. We might be going to see this movie next week with the guy from Borat.

Work today sort of sucked. I am so tired of kissing people's asses all day, but that's retail for you. After this whole weekend of working 20 hours, imagining going to work again on Tuesday is pretty icky. It's okay though, I'm just going to try and relax for tonight and tomorrow. Gotta try to memorize this damn Japanese vocabulary tonight but I really don't want too. I'm just so tired of all of it. I will never regret taking Japanese for as long as I did because I made a lot of friends in the process but God damn I'm ready for it to be over.

I made myself some chicken and boiled potatos. It's bland but healthy and I was so hungry it didn't even matter. I was tempted to have a slice of pizza, which of course my mom and Dad brought home a ton of. There's hardly any actual groceries that can be easily prepared (I'm not saying instant food, but relatively easy things that just require boiling, microwaving or baking. I usually cook for myself once or twice a day, especially when I've got the house to myself. I like to eat food that contains only what I choose to put in it; my own cooking never makes me feel nauseous after I eat it like a lot of other food does. I imagine when I go off to college I'm going to be eating very healthy, but I need to be careful not to starve myself.

Literally, I have a bit of a problem... I'll often go long periods of time throughout the day where I'll barely eat anything. I'll usually graze on healthy snacks, like fruit, boiled veggies, granola, bowls of cereal, etc. I'm not anorexic or anything, but so much food just doesn't look appetizing to me, and it's been like this for awhile now. I don't like eating anything that I think is unhealthy, so if I cave in and eat something that I deem "unhealthy," I'll often take a few bites and throw it away. Like I just caved and ate half a piece of pizza and threw the other half away. Because I know that if I eat the whole piece of pizza I'll feel too full, thus unmotivated to get work and practice done.

So for tonight my goals are (it's 4:00 pm)

-3 hours of guitar

-Write up Japanese flash cards

-Make bed

-Clean kitchen

I'm not going to work out tonight because I was running back and forth today at work the whole time.

Yesterday evening I called Connor because I felt lonely but he didn't pick up, thus making me feel even lonelier. I told him that I'd called to ask to borrow his guitar, but really that's not true.. I just wanted to see him. I just don't want him to think I have any suspicion that I *need* him, because he'll bolt. Fast. And right now he's my.. errm, rock, I guess you could say. He unknowingly keeps me from doing stupid stuff because he's that tiny bit of contact with the opposite sex that I need to keep from making mistakes again. Of course, even if Connor wasn't there, I still wouldn't do anything, but I would get more and more pent up over time and eventually snap and do something stupid. This keeps me align. He respects me, treats me with courtesy for the most part (I mean we joke around, but he never tries to hurt me), and we enjoy spending time together. As I've said before though, all on his time... so I feel like crap when I call him-- which I hardly ever do, last night was a rarity. I had thought about it for about five minutes before I actually did it because I was too afraid too. How very pathetic.

Jessika told me that I find specific excuses that I don't like EVERY guy. This might be true, sort of.. I mean I have ruled out a LOT of guys for one reason or another. But that's just because I don't want to be with someone that's either:

1. A loser. Doesn't drive, has no money, has no car, has no job. You'd be surprised how common this is. I'm fine with just one or even two strikes here if it's a temporary thing, but it seems like lately it's all four! Since when is a guy my age held so highly if he only has ONE of these things?

2. Way, way less attractive than I am. Now, this varies a lot because personality can make a huge difference. Like if a guy has an ego and has his own life going on, I'll find an average looking guy much more attractive than say an even better looking guy that has all these emotional issues and baggage. I don't know what it is, I've always had a thing for cocky guys. Insecurities are very unattractive to me because I've dealt with so many.

3. Unclean. Feeling as if he might have herpes or something because of his history. There's no way to tell for sure of course, but if I know a guy has been with a ton of girls, I will not touch him with a ten foot pole now. I've made mistakes and came out of my partying stage disease free, I do NOT want to get some sketchy ass STD now.

4. Way older than me. I'm talking 25+. I do get older guys that'll try to hit on me once and awhile, and unless they REALLY have their shit together. I can't date someone that's over 25 because I don't want kids for five years at least.

So yeah,  I guess I've got standards.

Here's a picture I took this morning. It's uneditted aside from the contrast. I was pretty ready to work this morning, even though I had a handful of stale goldfish and strawberries for breakfast.  

I'm gonna get going, gonna practice.

peace.