Things are never quite clear between us

This is usually how I look on "sloppy sunday." No makeup, giving my hair a day to rest from washing.... Lol notice the noise cancelling headphones. 

Technically today's Monday, Memorial Day. God Bless America

 I did two hours of statistics studying which made me feel really accomplished.. though I did so while watching TV so I don't know how much information I picked up.

 I guess lately I've been using schoolwork to mind off of other things. This morning I woke up with black eye makeup all over my face because I went to bed with my liner on *just in case* Terry ended up actually following through with the plans we had made earlier. Is that pathetic? Probably. Don't worry I washed off the rest of my makeup. After all of it I was just so exhausted from dealing with him.

Terry texted me last night around 6:30 pm when I was on the phone with my mom. He was asking what I was up too and if I had any plans that night. Well no, I didn't, but I said I was having a really nice night anyway. Because I was, I was playing my guitar and minding my own damn business like always. But I did take the time to get ready, though... Which as all you girls know is a PAIN IN THE ASS. And because it was Terry of course I looked my best. 

Throughout the night we kept eachother posted on what we were doing. Of course he's out somewhere making drinks and having fun with his buddies and every time he texts me I'm just doing the exact same thing. Lol playing guitar, studying, cleaning, reading, cooking, facebook.. Seems like that's all I do lately. And any time Terry texts me it's usually the same sequence of messages. Same old what are doing, etc etc... If I try to go into in depth conversation and don't finish with a question there's about a 50/50 chance he won't reply. Even if he was the first one to text me.

It's really odd, he's just not very conversational with me.... I sometimes think his brain is so absorbed in sports like mine is in the guitar that it's hard for him to really think about anything else. He's been sucked into this for so many years though that he doesn't know much other life I think. I've only been into the guitar for a year so I definitely have a wide spectrum of things to talk about aside from that.

But yeah Terry ended up going to some party at a lake and invited me but I wasn't sure what the deal was or even if he wanted me to go. I didn't end up going out there until around 12:30 am... I put "Reecer Creek" on my GPS and it took me about 10 minutes outside of town.

I turned down into a downhill dirt road where my GPS took me and I could hear a river. It was really creepy because there were no cars. I did not get out of my own car but I did crack the window and hear water. I pulled down closer and saw that there was a fence opening but I could not tell if it led to a dark road or the river. I didn't want to go down any closer to the river or get out of my car and check, it was all just too sketchy. I set my gps and drove back.

Terry texted me when I was 5 minutes away from home saying he was outside and didn't know where I was. I'm like alllrighty then. Of course when I was at the creek itself I tried calling him and he didn't pick up, and I knew he was pretty drunk at this point.

So yeah no fun! Came home and slept. He apologized for getting drunk too quickly. I'm like Dude you think this is about that?? It's YOUR BAD for not being clear on plans earlier, get your shit straight.

I'm so exhausted, I'm going to go to bed. Roommate was acting like a snag today but I already talked about it on facebook so I don't want to talk about it on here. night all

peace

4/20, not doing much but thinking this year

Yeah not much word from Terry at all this weekend. I'm not going to say that I'm not disappointed, I thought after this week of being pretty friendly with eachother that he'd want to take the time to hang out again. I guess not. I'm not really worried about it but I am a bit disappointed because I got ready tonight and have nowhere to go. I went to Bradley's house for about 20 minutes because I said I'd stop in but I was kind of feeling emotionally drained.

Today I dyed my hair. Originally I was going to dye it BLONDE-- which would have been a nightmare almost inevitably. Better leave that to professionals if I ever wanted to lighten up.

I just took this a second ago and decided to upload it. This is me being a shut in on 4/20, a day I thought for sure I'd be out doing something. OH well at least I have facebook and my blog to keep me company. I'm wondering how Ashley's classes are going, it's about time I give her a call before I start my week. Ha ha she's like my counselling session, I call her and I feel better about my overall outlook on things.

I've had someone on my mind lately. She hasn't responded to my message and it's been a few days so I was like, "Huh..." but then I realized it was her birthday this weekend which makes me think she hasn't had easy access to her facebook inbox. I told her she should text me in the message with my number and I hope she does, I was quite honestly intrigued by our message exchange recently; like I'm excited to get to know this person and I'm hoping she doesn't pull back from me like she did in highschool because I was probably quite loud when she didn't say boo, ha ha ha.

I really more than anything want a chance to listen to her and ask her questions.

Yesterday I got a text message from Abe saying that he apologized for our situation... like, how we abruptly stopped talking after I flipped out on him. I can't really blame him for not wanting to deal with me at the time. I was dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety and baggage that probably made me come off as a more pessimistic person than I am today.

Anyway we kind of updated eachother on what we've been up too and Abe was asking about whether or not I was doing a minor. He said that getting a minor does not necessarily mean having to take a ton of additional classes like I thought it would. I am going to check out the different minors offered one of these days. I should probably also fill out an application to the college of business at some point. Will I take classes this summer? I don't know.

I think I just need to get a job. Seriously it's getting a little silly that I haven't found one, I'm looking around and starting to realize this. I'm tired of feeling kind of guilty spending my money which I've been quickly depleting lately because I've been putting more effort into my looks.

If I was earning some money I could buy more stuff... like nailpolishes, makeup, clothes, maybe some jewelry here or there, perfume... I've become more conscious about how I present myself, especially posture. Just having awareness and presenting myself well is going to do me a lot of good. Yet it's somehow not enough for the guys that I'm generally really attracted to? Ha ha, I mean seriously I think Terry's just blowing me off. Maybe he really does just want to study with me on the weekdays and that's it. Maybe he's just totally over spending time with me. Blughhh I can't think about that, it's so stupid.

I just have to remember this-- Whatever happens with Terry, if nothing else from this day forward, it was still an extremely useful encounter in my life because he was part of the reason I switched my major which will highly influence my career setting for the rest of my life. So in the most likely event that we will both graduate, take our own paths and never see eachother again, I'm at least happy for what has occured over these past couple months. It's really boosted my confidence to know that I've really got a clear cut long term goal that I'm working toward.

I was never that excited about human resource management.

peace.

ヨガぱんつ。YOGA PANTSU!!!

I really do love spring. The weather is starting to turn around, it was just lightly cold and windy today but it's getting a lot warmer.

I wore a tank top today and didn't completely freeze my ass off.Why no jacket? Because the one I originally put on this morning was pissing me off so badly with it's too short sleeves that I refused to wear it. I hate it when my wrists are exposed after a jacket shrinks. This jacket came in with some yoga pants that I got this christmas that I don't particularily like either. The colors are design are perfect, but the inner material is more cotton than spandex making it sort of adhesive when you wear it to exercise and you start to sweat. For working out I typically just wear short shorts and tank top, but getting more activewear like spandex yoga pants would be nice.  I considered getting some at target today but they were too expensive.

I did however pick up some really cool $1 Elf brushes. These were obviously super CHEAP but they don't seem much different than say, brushes that you'd buy for $5.99 in a different section. We'll see how well they work. I had just HAD it with trying to make my eye makeup look good with my finger or some random little funky eyeshadow brush that came with some Wet and Wild pallet.

Last night me and Mitch hung out, smoked good bud that he supplied, and played guitar together for a couple hours. It was super relaxing and enjoyable. He was totally stoked by the fact that I could actually play some tool, and we decided we'd start playing together more often. By the end of the week I told him I'd know The Pot, but I decided to change my mind and go with Schism. The reason is that Mitch plays The Pot like a total champ and it sounds *perfectly* but the way he plays it is totally different than the tab I'm using. Trying to learn how he does it directly from him doesn't work for me, I have to read the tabs over and over again to learn to play things.. He seemed more impressed with Schisms tabs, and he said the song was semi-easy.

This sunday we should be hanging out again. Lindy came by yesterday and we took a walk back to Mitch's house. He moved in with his mom over by the Conoco, so it was a decent sized walk. Lindy showed up sort of late so it was pitch black and a little chilly out when we started walking. I always get sort of paranoid when I walk at night, especially when it's just me and Lindy. For some reason I'm completely comfortable walking with Katelynn at night, but with Lindy I feel more vulnerable.

I bought a yoga mat at Target today and I plan on using it for a little while before starting a mountain of accounting homework. I've got a Japanese vocab quiz tomorrow, too, but I started studying those earlier for once and I'll feel confident if I study the English-Japanese flash cards for an hour or so.

Alrighty well, later guys! Not much else going on.

peace.

How many paychecks before Christmas?

Goodafternoon, it's 2:26 pm and I have work at 5'. I should probably use this time to be productive but instead I'm wasting time on the computer. I'm gonna get off here when I'm done with this entry and do these damn Japanese assignments, I swear.

Too much on my mind, too much wondering. I am trying to relax and just let time go by as it should...

I'm pretty convinced that this guy that I like doesn't have any interest in talking to me because I haven't really heard from him in three days. That to me is a sign that yeah, get over it. Again. I'm not too concerned, just a little disappointed... or something. It's weird, I don't really have any emotions. I felt happy when we hung out together the other night and everything seemed cool, but when I left felt like we'd probably never talk again. My intuition usually tells me this, and it's never been wrong. Maybe I'm psychic, haha. But yeah, no we'll never talk again unless he makes the initiative because i've promissed myself that I never make any attempt to talk to someone that I like unless they talk to me first. It's pretty shitty though, it's officially been a year since I've been in any sort of relationship, and everyone that I've *been* with in the last year has been a complete mistake and hasn't given a rats ass about me at all.

Japanese was good today, a little stressful though. I had a quiz that I showed up to school at about 8:00 am to study for. I ended up memorizing all of the vocab words even if I procrastinated until the last minute. I'm pretty sure I'll get 100% on it, even if I spelt a couple things wrong. I wrote the kanji for two of the words which should make up for it. Sensee makes it pretty easy to get 100% if you study hard enough. The new grammer though, again is really frustrating.

I've got work tonight from 5-10:15 and then TOMORROW I GET PAID! WOO! i'm happy about this paycheck becauuuuse I obviously need more money for gas, and I intend on splurging on the first christmas present. Since I'm buying for only a few people, I figure I'll buy one or two gifts with each paycheck and then by Christmas I'll have shopped for everyone. I'm gonna buy a pipe for Katelynn, which will probably cost around $40. You know what would be totally amazing? If I could get a pipe custom done with the Coheed and Cambria symbol. I know that'd be a stretch, but if I could get it, that'd be the best gift ever. I'm sure I'll be able to find a good pipe otherwise though. I want something that I know Katelynn will like, but sort of has an "Emily feel" (lol) to it too. Like if I got a psychadelic rainbow pipe or something.

I'm also planning on getting Samantha a drawing tablet that will probably cost around $50. This is something that Samantha really needs for her art. Because I'm moving here in the spring, I don't know how much i'm going to be able to see my friends that live here in the tri cities. That being said, I'm planning on getting my few close friends very nice gifts because they've helped keep me sane for so long and I don't know what I would of done without them.

As for Katharine, I still have no idea at all what I'm going to get her. Shopping for Katharine is always really hard because she spends a lot of time doing things that don't require much.. like, running and working out and working on projects that she's already got the software for. She isn't that huge into makeup, and I don't really know what kind of books she likes to read-- plus that'd be sort of a lame gift anyway, a book... unless it was some cool illustrated book. Idk, I'm holding off Katharine's for a month or so.

My mom is still thinking about what she wants, and my sister has everything. I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna get my sister an eyeshadow pallette from Macy's so she can stop jacking my shadow. Or maybe an eyeshadow from Mac? The wet or dry kind? I know that she'll like that. I could get her a blue one and a white one. Those shadows cost about $15 each. This is why I'm spreading out my shopping, so I don't get hit with everything at the same time.

Depending on how much I get paid and what my finances look like tomorrow, I'm probably going to get my sister's and Katelynn's gift out of the way for this next couple weeks. I also gotta think of one for Shavonne too. turns out Grandma doesn't want us to send her anything.

Well, I better get going and get some work done. Two hours before work.

peace.