Things are never quite clear between us

This is usually how I look on "sloppy sunday." No makeup, giving my hair a day to rest from washing.... Lol notice the noise cancelling headphones. 

Technically today's Monday, Memorial Day. God Bless America

 I did two hours of statistics studying which made me feel really accomplished.. though I did so while watching TV so I don't know how much information I picked up.

 I guess lately I've been using schoolwork to mind off of other things. This morning I woke up with black eye makeup all over my face because I went to bed with my liner on *just in case* Terry ended up actually following through with the plans we had made earlier. Is that pathetic? Probably. Don't worry I washed off the rest of my makeup. After all of it I was just so exhausted from dealing with him.

Terry texted me last night around 6:30 pm when I was on the phone with my mom. He was asking what I was up too and if I had any plans that night. Well no, I didn't, but I said I was having a really nice night anyway. Because I was, I was playing my guitar and minding my own damn business like always. But I did take the time to get ready, though... Which as all you girls know is a PAIN IN THE ASS. And because it was Terry of course I looked my best. 

Throughout the night we kept eachother posted on what we were doing. Of course he's out somewhere making drinks and having fun with his buddies and every time he texts me I'm just doing the exact same thing. Lol playing guitar, studying, cleaning, reading, cooking, facebook.. Seems like that's all I do lately. And any time Terry texts me it's usually the same sequence of messages. Same old what are doing, etc etc... If I try to go into in depth conversation and don't finish with a question there's about a 50/50 chance he won't reply. Even if he was the first one to text me.

It's really odd, he's just not very conversational with me.... I sometimes think his brain is so absorbed in sports like mine is in the guitar that it's hard for him to really think about anything else. He's been sucked into this for so many years though that he doesn't know much other life I think. I've only been into the guitar for a year so I definitely have a wide spectrum of things to talk about aside from that.

But yeah Terry ended up going to some party at a lake and invited me but I wasn't sure what the deal was or even if he wanted me to go. I didn't end up going out there until around 12:30 am... I put "Reecer Creek" on my GPS and it took me about 10 minutes outside of town.

I turned down into a downhill dirt road where my GPS took me and I could hear a river. It was really creepy because there were no cars. I did not get out of my own car but I did crack the window and hear water. I pulled down closer and saw that there was a fence opening but I could not tell if it led to a dark road or the river. I didn't want to go down any closer to the river or get out of my car and check, it was all just too sketchy. I set my gps and drove back.

Terry texted me when I was 5 minutes away from home saying he was outside and didn't know where I was. I'm like alllrighty then. Of course when I was at the creek itself I tried calling him and he didn't pick up, and I knew he was pretty drunk at this point.

So yeah no fun! Came home and slept. He apologized for getting drunk too quickly. I'm like Dude you think this is about that?? It's YOUR BAD for not being clear on plans earlier, get your shit straight.

I'm so exhausted, I'm going to go to bed. Roommate was acting like a snag today but I already talked about it on facebook so I don't want to talk about it on here. night all

peace

I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. [Project timeline, age 16]

Jessika is back on the scene.

I saw that she updated her profile picture today, which was the first update I'd seen from her since June 5th (around the time we had the falling out). Back then I figured she'd blocked me but I later realized that she temporarily shut down her facebook. I had actually wondered in the bath today what she'd been doing. I had more assumed she'd moved away, like to Idaho or something to help take care of her friend's baby.

Nope, she's still here.. I have no idea where she's living or what she's doing but I have no intention of asking or clearing the air between her and I. I'd rather put that to bed for good. However, I will not delete her from my friends list. Seeing her occasional updates might be interesting. I love facebook for that reason, you can see what people are up too while keeping your distance.

 Last night I spent the night at Katelynn's house and slept on her mom's mattress that she's going to sell soon. I actually really like that mattress, or maybe it's just that I like the sheet on top. I have been noticeably more sore lately but I think that's from all my working out with the whey protein. That stuff lets you work out for longer periods of time but it has a tendency to let you over-do it if you're not careful. My abs are really starting to get definition, it's strange.

Onto my project timeline again. Going back further I have to dig into my old myspace, back even further I'll have to go into my old photobucket account... I don't think I have any pictures of me when I was a child on my facebook, we'll have to wing it with snapshots from my phone. Until then...!

Project Year Timeline, 

Age 16, 2007-2008

Year of blissfully surviving social nightmares.

At 16 I was sort of starting to find my identity. I knew I didn't fit in that great with the mainstream popular leadership kids after getting shut out by them the previous year, and I was ready to find a more accepting crowd and move on. 

Unfortunately this was hard to do, because the way I saw it I had two choices: Either find some freshmans to hang out with or try finding friends two classes above me. Katharine's class was off limits because I knew pretty much all of them from being friends with Katharine, and none of them seemed like they'd want to hang out with me. Maybe someone would have if I tried, but I didn't, they were an extremely tight class and had very defined groups of friends that I didn't fit into. 

The previous year had been really rough for Katharine and I, which I will explain when I talk about 15. During soccer Katharine would snap at me for one reason or another, like this one time she was at the front of the line when we were running tied hand to hand with the rope and I asked a question to the girl in front of me (probably Alex S.) and Katharine yelled out the answer, sarcastically, as if it was a stupid question. Caitlin D. yelled that we needed to stop fighting immediately. 

Soccer season was rough especially because I hardly got any playing time. Lindy played defensive center mid too and scored a couple goals with her enormous kick and put me out of the job. I was a solid varsity player though, never had to play on JV. There was actually enough of us to have a jv team that year. 

Katharine was going to CBC but she was still in yearbook with me. We had soccer sports awards and I apparently didn't get the memo on when they'd be held. I had forgot about it and NOBODY called me to tell me it was going on. It pissed me off so bad that I started cursing and crying in Mrs. Tyrell's room, and Katharine just shrugged like I should have known. She could have easily called. Soccer season ended badly on that note and I didn't know if I wanted to play again. 

On top of that I was dealing with absolutely crazy shit with Tony L. and Genisis, the younger sister of my ex boyfriend Chino. Genesis printed a bunch of flyers saying I'm a "hoe" and left them all over the football stadium. She was never punished for it. 

You see I'd made some other friends, a much larger group consisting of a lot of foriegn exchanged kids. Austy C. was a really well liked person and she seemed to like me after I'd become friends with Heather E. the previous year. 

They were a really good group of girls, definitely involved in the school and super spirited (note that I was NOT. I was actually anti-school spirit after my previous year...).. Austy and Chelsea L. really were the group leaders and we'd all sit together at lunch. 

I was really envious of this girl in my group named Alice (pronounced "Aliche"). Well, I'm pretty sure almost girl in the school was. She was drop dead gorgeous, I mean tall, rich, beautiful, tan, from Milan. At the beginning of the year I was pissed about it, I was like, okay now my chances of dating anyone in highschool are probably even worse. Ha ha little did I know Chino wouldn't have let me date anyone regardless. Once I got to know Alice, though, I really enjoyed her company and stopped caring. She ended up dating Tony L. (Chino's cousin) who at the time absolutely despised me. 

Jack and I started talking on the phone this year at some point. During one of our long phone conversations Jack asked me where he should take Aliche on a date. 

Not far from Austy's group sat Kandyce's group. Kandyce and her minions were sort of the power in numbers clique that were SUPER school spirited and supportive of our football team that was doing really well that year. Kandyce was a friend of Chino's (well, Chino didn't care that much about her I don't think but Kandyce would hold parties and Chino would probably be there...) and after an atrocious experience at Warped Tour her whole group wanted to make my highschool experience a nightmare.

I guess they failed at that. Because in all of this, all these people gunning for me, I somehow stayed pretty in my own world. I think at the time I was playing a lot of video games and hanging out with Katelynn when I could. 

Academics weren't great this year. I really excelled in English with Tyrell but I had to deal with an elective nightmare. Stupid Minkler put me in Welding the first half of the year... Oh my God, Welding, THAT was an experience...

I'm pretty sure I had a crush on every guy in my welding class, namely Levi D. At the time I had just broken up with Chino, who all these guys partied with. No way in HELL they wanted to date me at this point. I was totally off limits. I don't think me and Chino were talking at the time so I didn't understand. Jessica S. was in my welding class, did much better than me, was a favorite of the teacher and got flirted with all the time. Obviously I'd be jealous for this reason. I was really happy when this half of the year was over. 

I was then placed in a weight training class, which was completely full of guys aside from Katharine, Emily B., and Jessica S. Katharine at the time was more than happy to just be partners with Miguel, who she'd started dating recently. Jessica and Emily would work out together and wouldn't really include me so I was stuck without a partner. I didn't have a partner that whole half of the year, I was really fortunate this group of hispanic girls let me in. They'd talk in Spanish together and take turns getting stuck with me. 

Things didn't get much better in the Spring. Tennis was rough because I had started acting like a complete bitch toward Haley in order to regain my friendship with Katharine. This didn't really work; actually when I'd talk bad about Haley toward Katharine to try to impress her she'd say "Haley isn't that bad, actually!" This completely drove me up the wall because HALEY was the whole reason Katharine was mad at me the previous year; of course it was clear that this wasn't the only reason once it that "problem" was taken care of. 

Me and Haley got in a number of arguments, including one on the tennis bus over some headphones. She would take falls during challenges so she could be in the 2nd seat because I seemed to WANT to play first seat. Actually my sophomore year I didn't want to play first seat, I wanted to beat Haley because I didn't like her and she didn't want to give me the satisfaction. What better way than to put a 16 year old against girls that completely whiped the floor with my face? I probably deserved it, honestly. Haley ended up quitting and I was stuck playing monsters the rest of the season. I think I won a couple matches, it was good practice however for the next year.

Overall:

Looks: I was still sort of dressing/dying my hair how my mom told me it would look the best. I did the blonde thing most of the year and didn't feel that comfortable with it for the most part. I dressed in plain, sort of preppy clothes from Pac Sun, JCPennies or the new Fuego. 

Work: This was the height of babysitting for Chad and Carmin, I'd be over there multiple times a week pulling practically all nighters. I had just started driving and would get pulled over by cops for violating curfew.

Skills: Developing tennis skills, I wasn't that good but I still loved it. 

Love:

I guess one of the best things about my sophomore year WAS Connor. I had talked to Audrey, his best friend, and ended up meeting up with her to go to Ray's. I met Connor and we clicked almost immediately. We'd cuddle in Audrey's basement in this spare bedroom downstairs. There was a lot of crazy shinanigans going on that I wasn't used too.

Connor was a huge smoker, and I'd never been around that before nor did I really know what it was. It didn't bother me though because I liked Connor so much I was willing to put up with whatever. It really drove his day to day life back then, though, and it bothered me that he cared more about it than he did me. Overall, though, my relationship with Connor was good. 

The timing really was perfect (around tennis season my Sophomore year). I was never really attracted to Chino and after our relationship was over I was looking for another guy that resembled Toren-- long hair, skater type, etc... and Connor fit the mold of what I was looking for even better because he was tall. I really liked this one and it took a long time to get over him after we were through around July. it's funny, in the times we've spent together he said the same thing even if he acted as though he didn't give a f*ck either way at the time.

I've never really had a relationship like Connor's since we broke up in 2008.. It  really has been that long. Regardless of Connor's lifestyle's contrast to mine (I was still pretty goody two-shoes back then, Hell I still am in a lot of ways) he still really liked me for me and I think that was the last time I really had faith in love. 

Granted I can't say I really loved Connor, but I'm sure I wouldn't have broken up with him and it could have gone there. It's probably for the best that it didn't, he didn't like how caught up I was with school and sports and discouraged it. Sports kept me out of trouble.

Music: I had a Zune with a huge amount of memory so I started buying CDs from all sorts of rock genres. One of the CDs that I bought was Trivium; I originally got it for Katharine (not realizing at the time that Katharine didn't like metal at all) but she didn't really want it so I kept it myself. This was really my first exposure to metal. 

I mainly listened to Coheed and Cambria. Katelynn got me really into them when we started talking again and she burnt me a couple CDs such as Junesong Provision. 

Confidence: 

Like I said before I really didn't let half this drama bother me that much. I wrote a lot in my blog to get it off my chest but I was able to escape by playing video games, namely Bully for the PS2 that we'd finally purchased that year. My mom was always really stressed about my drama but I put a lot of it behind me. Needless to say I didn't really like Ki-Be, but I dealt with it and figured it was just part of being an underclassman. If I had to do it all over again I probably would abandon sports and transfer to Kamiakin because I had a long road ahead. 

Alright that's it for now. Tomorrow I'll talk about 15, my year of being CRAAAAAAAAZY.

peace. 

A new blog... ._.

This is intimidating to me.
I transfered over to MySpace blogging because MySpace is now full of creeps and none of my friends are all Facebook whores now. My last blog had over 300 entries. And I'm starting over. Clean slate. So here I am, at a new blog to post my thoughts and feelings, pictures, and whatever I feel like. Right this second, it's hard to focus because my sister and her friend are watching Hannah Montana. I'd like to make a quick introduction of who I am, since this is the first entry and all.

This picture is sort of old, from about five months ago or so, but I plan on posting new pictures of me soon...

My name is Emily Wilson, and I'm 19 years old. I am going to school at a community college and I am currently trying to minor in Japanese and major in English. This isn't the concrete plan-- but eventually I will know what I want to do. Someday, I'd like to study abroad, and maybe teach English in Japan someday. Or maybe I'll want to be a criminal profiler... I'm not totally decided on anything yet, but I do know that my love of Japanese culture has stretched for years and now that I'm learning the language it's coming easier to me than I expected. Along with learning the Japanese language I've also grown fond of cooking Japanese food (bento boxes, in particular). I plan on showing you guys pictures of my bento boxes whenever I can! Maybe I'll even post some how-to's.

I love rock music. As a previously depressed high schooler, bands like System of a Down, Metallica and Coheed and Cambria really helped me get through. Because of my love of rock music, some people might think I'm angry when they sit in the car and listen to the music that I like to listen to. I guess it's just the kind of music I relate to more than anything (I'm not out getting money and hoes; nor am I sitting in a truck 'cause my wife broke up with me; nor do I wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy). Now that I am in college, I am no longer depressed because I feel like I am surrounded by more intelligent people, and it's only going to get better when I go onto a four year university. Having come from a small town, I felt like nobody understood me and now it's easier to find people that share the same interests.

I was a big jock in highschool, you could say. I played  tennis and soccer, and took it pretty seriously. I was known as the "Tank" in soccer because I'd run into girls on the field and often caused a lot of pain before the reff could turn around. It was a great way to get out my anger. I played sort of sloppily, didn't have much ball control, but was a good defender and was used as a human shield. Tennis though, was a whole different story. I was extremely perserverant and woudn't let any balls just get away. I played singles, and would run my opponent ragid. I ended up going to State last year and got a 14-1 record. However, now that highschool sports is over, I often get minor post traumatic stress passing the old towns we used to play in or seeing pictures. It caused a lot of stress on me. However, it taught me so much. Now that sports is over, I need to find some way to channel my aggression, as well as keep in shape. I usually just run, talk walks, or play Wii Dance now.

I guess you can say I go through phases of what I do in my spare time, where I'll be nearly obsessed with something and tire myself out with it, then moving on to something else. Eventually though, that same hobby will reoccur and the cycle starts over. My main hobbies are drawing, reading, playing DS, practicing hiragana/katakana and studying Japanese, making YouTube videos, cooking, and playing the guitar. The amount of time that I spend doing each of them however varies a lot depending on what I'm doing. The bass guitar is my personal favorite, however I don't dedicate nearly enough time to it to be good. I'll play for awhile, like a couple months, then I'll fall out of it like a wet firework. I assume I'll get back into it again here once I find the inspiration too.

My Youtube channel is EWilsonLife if you want to check that out. I post videos there sometimes, so if you just happen to be here and are bored enough to watch some videos on me go check it out.

Hmm, let's see, I feel like telling you more, I'm not doing anything else anyway...

I eat pretty healthy. Right now I am on a diet, trying to lose 10 lbs. I'm not considered overweight, however I feel like I would be more comfortable in my own skin if I do so. It's also a personal challenge to see if I'd be able to do it. Rejecting the many cravings that come in a given day can be hard, which when I was doing sports I would just eat because I was burning so many calories. Today, I'm more sedentary because I spend a lot more time with academics than anything, so I have to watch what I eat. I pack bento boxes and cook fresh food, which has been working very well for me. I also drink tea. Above is a picture of one of my bento boxes. Actually, it was the one I ate today. :) And if you don't know what a bento box is I will tell you LOTS about them in later entries.

There! That should be a good start.

☆ yours

emily