I've returned from a blogging hiatus. Last horror story from 2014.

Every so often I do this, where blogging at some point feels like a chore and doesn't feel like a privilege to me again until I've taken some time away from it. A month and 10 days was very sufficient for me.

I've had some interesting challenges the last month. First of all my accounting final of course. I studied for hours and hours days ahead of time for that thing. I really busted ass to make sure my bases were covered and I was adequately prepared for the test. Had I gone in at the right time I'm sure I would have pulled a B on that test which would have bumped my grade above a C+. But my Dad pretty much sabotaged me.

The day of the final I'd spent all morning preparing but I still wanted more time to study in the car. Ironically I'd actually asked one of my best friend's Dad, Brian, to drive me because I knew he'd be super reliable. I also asked another best friend, Brad. Both of them agreed. You see I'd been studying *ALL* night the previous night, which to some seems crazy, but I was so determined to do well on that test my adrenaline wouldn't have allowed me to sleep.

Oh but low-and-behold, that night actually offered to give me a ride and felt insulted that I'd ask other people... I agreed.

We left the house in his stupid new Hyundai at 4 pm people, my test wasn't until 8 pm. I spent literally every second in that car with my earplugs in studying, or dealing with my Dad lecturing me or screaming at me for God knows what reason. Just existing more or less. He offered to get us dinner and I told him we could get something quick at Shari's in Yakima which might help me relax.

My phone had been off for about a week. By this time I'd just let it die. My Dad's car's time was wrong because he'd just bought it and insisted we had "plenty" of time. I had no phone to double check. Of course after dinner we had to go to fucking Value village and he was in there for more than an hour looking at bullshit garbage like always. He's always gotta have his agenda and my final was the last thing on his mind right then.

We didn't pull into the Ellensburg exit until about a quarter til. I was struggling to direct my Dad to this building where I'd never had a class before but had the two exams for this class. We ended up pretty much circling the building before I just gave up and had him drive us through the Surc parking lot and toward Bouillon until I found it. Of course in the meantime he's screaming. And I mean just yelling in my ear about how much of a stupid sack of crap I am for not having a sense of direction and how all of my problems would be completely preventable if I would just "get my head out of my ass because you're just like your mother." My mom has more talent, heart and stability than he'll ever have.

So there I was, in the car at 8:05 pm. I was scrambling my things together and trying to get my composure together. When I went into the building the door leading to the testing room I needed to be in was LOCKED. The professor had probably opened it to the students at 7:55 pm and went back to his desk to distribute the tests. So there I was frantically running around the building trying to get someone to open the door for me to get to the classroom because my Dad had to get me there on the MINUTE.

You can imagine how much regret I was feeling in my heart at this point. In my mind among the panic of trying to find ANYONE in that empty building to get me to the classroom all these thoughts were going through my head:  How could I be so stupid as to let my idiot father who has no regard for other people's time schedules take me to this test? Why did I not just get a ride with Brad? Will I even make it into this test?

I wasted 40 minutes of the two hours of testing time double checking to see that the room number hadn't changed and finally found a professor in her office that showed me how to get through this weird back staircase that led to a little back corridor where the rooms where (wtf is this, Hogwarts?). After all that studying to run into the test 40 minutes late and not even have the significant time to set up the accounting models was the biggest slap in the face, terrible thing that'd happened to me since college started. I felt absolutely robbed.

Of course I didn't finish the test. I pulled a C+ on it ironically and it didn't harm my grade at least. But that was after having to deal with the panic and anger for the following days wondering how I did and the complete mental breakdown I had that night.

The drive home was almost dead silent. Initially when I got in the car I cried and yelled at him for getting me there so late but he immediately turned it on me saying if I knew where the hell I was going this wouldn't be an issue. Seeing my sadness and feeling uncomfortable had it been his fault he immediately started popping off reasons this was my fault. Feeling like complete garbage I just agreed, yelling things along the lines of "Fuck  I'm so stupid and worthless I deserve to die!!" and "What is my fucking problem, this is all my fault!! I'm such a loser!!" and screaming, moaning in agony. Finally this made my Dad stop blaming me and start to feel bad himself and pretty much begged me to stop crying. I did, holding in my anger or any conversation with him until we got home.

But I couldn't withhold my anger when I got in the door and saw my mom sitting at the computer. I immediately started explaining in anger and disdain what I'd just witnessed. In shock and horror I told her how I didn't know how after pretty much having to push my Dad out the door at 4 pm that he wasn't able to get least get me there by 7:30. I felt like shit about my grades, my internship that I plan to apply for, and my academic career in general. Telling you this story right now is bringing up a lot of those emotions.

Since then things have for the most part gone back to normal, being Christmas break and all that... pretty stress free rest of the month. It wasn't hard for me to forgive my Dad because I knew this was just his typical bullshit inability to see outside the box and I really shouldn't have trusted him to get me there in the first place. It's a lesson learned. I feel endangered when I'm in the car with him anywhere because he drives like a lunatic and goes 80 mph everywhere. Never again.

So my Dad can't blame me for not getting an accounting major. He might've been the one to try to push me into it and I originally thought it was a great idea until you sabotaged it by pushing me into that situation. I'm just fine with my economics degree with a business minor. I'll also put "with working accounting background using Excel" or something like that if anyone asks. That cost accounting class did teach me a lot. It wasn't a complete waste.

Now I've got to focus on applying to this internship at PNNL. I should probably do that tomorrow because the moving chaos starts. I'm moving out on the 4th-- Sunday, then have a doctor's appointment to come back for on Monday when I'll pick up Marshall. Classes start on Tuesday.

These past couple weeks I had a lot of nightmares about not being prepared for school, most of which taking place in classrooms where I'm not prepared for presentations or tests  or I'm at some weird desolate apartment building somewhere feeling very lonely.

But these past couple days as I was very proactive about searching for a place to live with a nice roommate (I believe I found one!) and packing away some of my extra stuff these nightmares have gone away. I mean I've still got a lot on my mind. Like obviously about 3 nights a week for the past few months I've spent with Travis so not having that person there is going to kind of suck. Luckily I've got Marshall and hopefully will get in contact with a Dad's friend of mine to work back home on the weekends. We'll see. 

So here's to a fresh start and a new quarter. These are my last six months at Central. It's time to experience a more clean, productive, social college experience because this could very well be my last change. I've got friends there that are already looking forward to seeing me like Gabby and Allie, and I'm really looking forward to meeting my new roommate. She looks like someone who enjoys art, anime and/or Japanese language/culture-- if not all 3. 

Alright that'll be it for tonight folks. See ya. 

No seriously, I'll be back. 

peace. 

I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that mean

I decided early this evening that I'm getting out of my damn apartment tonight if my life depends on it. As you guys know my last few weekends in Ellensburg have been somewhat of a drag. This weekend will be different though. First I'm meeting my friend Daniel at 8:30 pm then meeting some other friends to play pool at the tav so it should be a fun night. 

Man I got ANOTHER shitty grade on my management homework! That's the third assignment in a row (the first being the paper that was 38/50 because I wrote it at the last damn minute, then my last discussion board assignment where I logged in so late I couldn't post a response and got 1/4 and this week I got the response but posted my first article an hour too late and got 2/4, shit!). Grr, I'm developing bad habits in that class because I've been kind of depressed and have been spending almost all of my time online uselessly. 

Tomorrow I'm going to get myself back on track to finish off strong in that class. I'm going to go to the library and bring a binder to compile all future assignments and figure out what I've gotta get done and when it's due so that I don't keep screwing up. It's not a hard class, management is important, and the only reason I've been doing bad is because I'm procrastinating and sleeping in too damn late! 

I'm drinking a lot of water and won't be drinking hard alcohol tonight at all, just a little beer, whatever. I just need to get out tonight. I feel this week has been rather useless but I'm going to make a solid effort to do better next week. That's all you can do, just move forward. A number of things made me sort of sad/frustrated this week that made it hard to focus, like Carl's suicide and this weird situation with Jake. Still no word from him yet. I know I need to call the shop but I'm nervous too because I'm afraid it's bad news. 

Clearly I've been doing a lot of avoidance which will not help me. 

Oh! Good news, I guess "reason to celebrate"....

  I got an A on second my econ midterm!!! 

This calls for another twerk gif. 

Goodnight guys. 

peace. 

Wrapping my mind around what happened this year

I'm going a little stir crazy guys. Here it is, Sunday evening. I haven't left my apartment except for to take out the trash in over 24 hours.

This is what my weekly assignment logs have dwindled down too. Those thing stressed me out because they always made me feel like I had stuff to do. This is more like... hey look how much time I've put toward this. Much more psychologically friendly to look at. 

Damn I've logged some GOOD time this weekend. Very good study hours and practice time. Whenever I do that everything else seems meaningless and I can forgive myself for not doing much else.

I can't believe today's the 26th of May, and that my junior year of college is wrapping up. I've been thinking about what's gone on this year and how I've changed as a person since I've moved out.

Synopsis of this year...

Picture taken at beginning of the year and another taken just recently... 

 I feel like I've learned so much this year and became more confident as a person overall. I've become so independent and don't take shit from anyone anymore. I did go out about once every weekend and would usually spend the rest of it practicing. I practiced an average of an hour a day. Probably studied/did assignments on the weekdays about 2 hours a day on average but sometimes way more. 

 I hung out with a variety of people but most time it was at my place. I didn't spend hardly any time at other people's cramped living spaces. In fact I can only think of one occasion that I entered a dormitory-- Jessie W., who I just flat don't like now ironically. I did hang out over at Jason's dorm over in Stephen's-Whitney. I have not gone over there in a few months because I don't feel like me and Jason have that much in common. 

At the beginning of the year I was feeling pretty lonely and full of anxiety but I super engrossed in my guitar hobby so I didn't even realize it until I started having panic attacks. I dated this guy named Brendan for a little while when I was looking for some support but once I realized I was just using him as a shoulder I cut it lose. I ended up getting on Prozac around January which helped resolve a lot of my emotional stress and anxiety.

My choice of clothes has changed. I've started dressing cuter as soon as Katelynn and I stopped being friends. Losing Katelynn has caused me to gain more independence. I realize how negative we were together and I think being away from her has given me a much more positive outlook on things. 

One of my main accomplishments this year was doing my first recital, that was pretty sick. Lol Jake sent me some pictures, I look like my eyes are closed in most of them. 

Ha ha I'd have to say the weirdest thing that happened to me all year was dealing with this lady (this is the lady that asked crazy questions all year in my econ/stats class and continually tried getting my attention). I actually just looked up her name on facebook and found her profile.  She stopped coming to class entirely about 2 or 3 weeks ago and suddenly lecture started to go by a lot more quickly. I was really curious why she stopped showing up, and her most recent post on May 12 says that she just found out she's pregnant and her dad was having health problems so that explains it.

Her husband has an anti-gay marriage icon as his profile image... blugh.


So yeah anyway it's been a good year. I feel accomplished but ready to get out of Ellensburg and make some money. I'm going to the tri cities this next weekend. My sister has her graduation on Saturday and I'm going to go meet with the manager at Rite aid. Yup, things are falling into place as they should. Last week of classes should be a breeze.

peace.

Do not be anxious about anything...

Hey, how's it going?

I'm pretty satisfied with my overall performance this week with juggling school and the guitar. Yesterday evening I went to the finite math tutoring center in Bouillon which I consider somewhat of an achievement to have such initiative. He tutors finite 4 days a week for an hour, I am most definitely going to  take full advantage of that. I've decided that I want to get GOOD grades this quarter, better than last quarter where I got straight B's. I'd like to get at least one A this quarter.. that is my initial goal because until I see what the tests are going to look like I can't set my standards TOO high or I set myself up for failure.

B's aren't a bad grade. I don't feel unaccomplished with last quarter's marks but sitting at a 3.1 GPA currently I certainly don't have much wiggle room to fall into a C average, blugh. So that being said, obviously I'd like to pull a 3.2 and above on all of my classes this quarter which means really keeping up with things... especially the reading for my English class, which is the hardest part for me. I'm so glad I didn't major in English, the continual re-examining or sources is so annoying to me. I mean I understand why it's important to make sure you have a reputable source and current data for studies and such but... citing these sources, making sure you're not accidentally plagerizing... is so very, very annoying.

I'm really just not a fan of academic writing-- yet another reason I'm extremely content in the business major. Some of this dry stuff gets confusing at times but I haven't had to write one paper since I got here. That's about to change, I've got my first writing assignment in English 102 due on Friday.

I almost had a panic attack in economics today. Luckily I've made a habit of taking a Lorazapam before that class to make sure I'm at least somewhat relaxed through that and my finite math class. I feel like if I didn't have lorazapam I would be having a much more difficult time with panic this quarter but it really has helped me stable out... worlds away from the fear I was dealing with practically 24-7 around Thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Last night was my second night of making a conscious effort to pray before sleeping. Prayer is something I haven't done nor taken seriously throughout my life. I guess this is why I feel such a powerful amount of emotions behind it. I find it very comforting yet there's still an annoying voice inside my head that will pop in either before, during or after prayer that says "You're talking to nobody. What is the point of this. You're stupid to believe this, etc..." I feel this alone is an obstacle in finding my faith again. From my heart I want to believe. From my mind it's very hard for me to believe that anyone's truly listening. I plan to put the negative thoughts behind me and keep trying.

Every night I just pray for the anxiety problem to continue to improve. I ask for strength to get through my classes without feeling like I can't breath. I also ask for safety.. I'm so clumsy and careless sometimes about how I do things. Like I'm so focused on WHAT I need to get done at any given time that I sometimes don't use as much caution as I should. I have so many close calls where I almost fall on ice or fall down stairs or even knocking hot pans with oil off the stove. I think back to my head injury and realize how being a little careless can cause major impacts... I'm just trying to live more cautiously, which isn't a characteristic that comes naturally to me. 

Today I've got quite a bit of work to do. It's almost 2.. I've got to do some economics review, guitar for 90 minutes, read a section of my finite book then go to the tutoring room again at 5:30. I'm doing well in that class but with the free resource there I feel like I'm half-assing myself by not taking advantage.

peace. 

Drive straight on. Don't stare at me, I'm on duty.

Rawr. Some of my Chinese neighbors made a snowlion on January 3rd. Clearly this has been snowed over a few times since then and doesn't look as perfect as it did before but I had to get a picture of it. 

Hello. 

Today was good, started bright and early and managed to get everything that I needed done out of the way even if my Dad came to visit around 5. We went to Ellensburg Pasta Co. and Safeway. We had some pretty funny conversations, he was in a good mood for the most part even if it's impossible to get through an evening with him without him blowing up about the cost of school and needing a part time job.

I could not handle a part time job in my present circumstances, with the anxiety that comes from going to school alone and waking up every day with what always seems like a mountain of stuff to do adding a part time job would be impossible. I am happy to say I have not had a panic attack all day today but it's the first day in awhile. 

My Dad bought me some retro stickers that I hung around my corkboard. My wall is really looking great, it feels so homey in here now that I've got all my stuff scattered and hung around. I'm halfway through my time living here. Next year I plan to live in Anderson. We'll cross that bridge when it comes...

One of my favorite Youtube users, YangHaiying said the following in one of her videos that I've listened to for relaxation when I'm feeling tense:

"It does not help to worry." 

I know that sounds like a very simple phrase but if you really think about it, it's so true. Worrying doesn't help anything. I said this to myself out loud today when I had a sudden onset panic feeling when I knew my Dad was coming in an hour and I hadn't finished reading for my English 102 class. By saying this phrase out loud and calming down, I was able to calm down enough to finish reading before my Dad showed up.

Oh my gosh.... I just went on my Youtube to look for another video and stumbled upon this. StimmeKoreas had posted a response to it saying this wasn't the first video game North Korea has ever created (apparently there's also a weird boxing one that displays hatred for the South Korean president...). Regardless, this is hilarious. It's actually created by a Chinese company for more people to get to know North Korea but the graphics and sound are awful so turn down your volume.

peace. 

Peace in being alone.

Goodevening to anyone who's reading. It's Sunday.

I've had a pretty slow day. Just watched documentaries, played about an hour of guitar, then spent a few hours messing around on the Sims. It's so time consuming to get anything done on there. I try to keep my "simming" to a minimum because there's much more productive things I could be doing.

I did my laundry today. I wanted fresh towels and all of my clothes for the upcoming week. It's going to be my first week of classes Winter quarter so I've been trying to keep my stress levels at a minimum. In order to do so I had to cut things off with Brendan, which was difficult for me but over time I've come to realize we're on different playing fields in some ways.

Brendan's really mature and stable in his life. He's an extremely giving person and only wanted the best for me. He took me out on dates, we talked a lot.. everything was fine. He's just looking for something more serious than what I can even think of providing for anyone in the next couple years. That is, unless I'm completely 100% sure on someone. That hasn't come yet. I would rather not waste anyone's time in such a crucial part of our lives.

I still have feelings for someone that will unfortunately never cease until I find someone who I like *more* than said person. I've just sort of grown to accept that, I can't help it. This person frustrates the f*** out of me. That's all I'm going to say.

I really enjoy the unpredictability of being in school again. It's my new years resolution to stop being so pessimistic about living here. It's also to start incorporating prayer and meditation into my daily life to calm some of this anxiety that I deal with. I've got to learn to deal with my anxiety on my own. It's so easy to want to cling to someone when you feel alone and scared.

I feel like a good amount of my first quarter here was spent feeling very alone-- things are going to get a lot better though.

Here's a blast from the past. Ha ha, I remember loving the English Shin chan cartoons when I was like sixteen. 

I wonder if I will ever go to Japan. I've been a lot more focused on Korea lately. I would like to someday see both Koreas, Japan, and China. Traveling is pretty important to me even if I've never been outside this side of the United States. I suppose that's one of my incentives for going to college, to be able to afford to travel someday. 

It's 6:00. I am going to try and work on finite math for the next hour or so and try to better understand it.

peace. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Today was a little better because of the following video

MyOwnStickFigure has been one of my favorite inspirational youtubers for awhile now. Though he's not necessarily trying to be an inspiration for anyone he makes these videos where he speaks out living with anorexia as well as tons of helpful advice that he's learned from years of therapy. These videos can be very helpful for me because I do deal with my own food anxiety. 

He's stopped making videos. Many people assume he passed away but did not close the channel to continue to help those in need. I originally thought this might be true as well until I looked at his channel activity and saw that he'd editted a playlist only three months ago (his most recent video was six months ago). I think he's still alive, but he's really found his faith and has many videos with his favorite.... I believe it's called "proverbs?" so I think today he's been dedicating all of his power to getting healthy and his spirituality. I hope so... Johnny's a really good person. He's been through so much with anorexia and he's finally found strength through his faith. I feel the same way about my anxiety and I hope I can get the same results. 

So yes, with the anxiety today was better than yesterday. Yesterday was pretty bad because I didn't take Lorazapam all day and really felt nervous and anxious. I ended up taking a whole pill instead of just a half in the evening when I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore and felt calm for the first time all day. I'm beginning to realize that when I run out of my perscription of Lorazapam there is a possibility that I will need to return to my doctor to seek other anti-anxiety medication options. 

Today I took two halves of Lorazapam. That and studying more about God has made today both relaxed and slightly emotional. Like I said before, whenever I read or talk about Christianity it has a way of making me cry because it's something that I know I need to find in my life again but I've been scared to face it and have pushed it under the rug time and time again until I felt I was ready.

Well, I feel now would be a better time than ever. People often turn to religion when they're going through hardship in their life and though many people who see my life from the exterior might think my life seems nearly perfect do not understand what I go through internally. This anxiety during this very transitional period of my life has made if difficult to live and makes it harder and harder to enjoy... anything! I've gotten so much great advice and support from friends and relatives yet I seem to slip back into these feelings of fear, tension and anxiety. I think it's time for me to finally ask God for help. 

Another big inspiration for me is IchBinKeinberliner, or Kristin. She has schizophrenia and makes many videos about mental illness, including depression and anxiety. I discovered this evening that she has a website: 

http://kristinbell.org/2007/07/25/tips-and-tricks-for-surviving-a-mental-illness-1/ 

I'm going to start reading these pages this evening. Though the mental illness that I've had to deal with throughout my life isn't I guess as... radical as what she's been through, I can still relate to many of her videos and get good advice from them. YouTube has been so helpful for me to better understand such a wide variety of incredible people and in exchange better understand myself. 

That's really all I had to say today. Quite honestly I spent my entire day in my room. I got up at about 8' this morning, took a shower, lightly blowdried then hoped on the Sims. I've actually gotten quite a bit of enjoyment out of the Sims 3 expansion where you can make your sim a celebrity. Later when I get my computer back onto the internet I'll post a few screenshots of my character's rise to stardom, haha. 

I played guitar for a little less than three hours today. Brendan and I didn't text that much but I'm really excited to see him tomorrow. Tomorrow is New Years eve after all! Which means I will begin packing tomorrow morning, excellent. I've had a pretty good Christmas break overall, and it's going to feel nice to get back into the old grind.

But it's actually not the OLD grind! With this New Year I have many resolutions to help improve my quality of life from where it is now. I will tell you guys those tomorrow. 

peace. 

Finally saying No.. after four years of this nonsense.

Fillip S. posted this earlier. Sometimes I wonder if what this says is true. People that have faith seem to be a lot more calm about their life, including Brendan who has witnessed a number of my panic attacks. He tells me to pray and meditate and it helps, but meditation often seems unappealing when getting into my own thoughts is often what leads me to feeling the panic. 

Any time I think about religion I start to cry because I'm scared of it. That's why I get so nervous to talk about anyone about it because I'm embarrassed. Being in churches tends to make me feel like I'm going to cry, too. I remember walking around the catholic church with my great Grandma and saw some of the alters and cried.. Going to a place to study what happens in the unknown scares the Hell out of me. But maybe it could help me improve my life and help my anxiety.

I haven't taken Brokaid in a few days which I'm pretty sure is why I've felt an increased amount of panic. Today hasn't been particularly bad, but it has worsened as the evening has progressed. I think I was nervous about the party that I thought I was going to with Josie because it snowed today and the roads are probably bad. I don't like driving on icey roads, especially not at night.

Josie was actually the first one to text me about it. She's at work and said she might not feel like going because of the weather. I told her I totally understood. 

I feel as though I might be getting sick, anyway. I have a runny nose and my throat is a little sore but not too bad. Probably would be better for me to get a good night sleep if this is the case. I'll be really happy to see Brendan again on the 31st.

That's Brendan on the left. : )

I can honestly call him my boyfriend now, even if we're not "facebook official" and probably won't be for a few weeks. The reason I can say this without a doubt is because yesterday I made one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time because of my feelings for Brendan. 

Jack is the first person I've ever had very strong feelings for. They started out when I was about a sophomore in highschool and over the past few years he's kept these feelings alive by texting me off and on, acting like he's going to make plans and then never following through with them. Everything is 100% on Jack's time, he texts me when he's alone-- which is incredibly rare because he's always around bros. He also texts me when he's drunk. It's like, that's the only time he allows himself to actually think of me and that alone is an insult that I've grown to realize about him.

He always texts me out of the blue around the holidays, or when we've got some break from school. I always delete his contact from my phone because what will happen is we'll talk a little bit, then he'll abruptly stop talking and my feelings get hurt and I delete the contact again. It's been something I've been dealing with for years. On numerous occasions I told him to just stop doing this, told him I couldn't stand him anymore, the whole bit... But it's almost like he knew that no matter what I said it didn't make a difference because I'd forgave him in the past.

Jack texted me shortly before school ended asking when I was going home. I told him and he responded that he wasn't coming back to the tri cities for a couple weeks. This was shortly after (before I met Brendan) I'd out of the blue invited Jack to come over one evening when I was stoned, lonely, and didn't even care anymore about my dignity in the situation. Not anymore.

Jack texted me yesterday morning that he wanted to start spending time together again. It all just sounded like bait, he's done this crap before. He's been in the tri cities hanging out with his bros all week, I'm sure... Even when I was living in Ellensburg he never made any effort to talk to or visit with me, and we live a f*cking block from eachother! I would never be a priority to him, I would always be something of convenience... 

So of course I know I had to tell him no, I can't. I'm seeing someone. Period. Brendan makes me a priority in his life, he and I get along so well and he doesn't cause me any stress. In fact he helps my anxiety because he's a very spiritual, intellectual person that has the patience to actually listen to me. I would not want to give up what I have with Brendan to put myself in the almost inevitable disappointment with dealing with Jack again. 

I feel weight lifted from my shoulders having been able to finally tell Jack "No" but it's one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in this respect. Not because I don't have feelings for Brendan, but because of the feelings I once had for Jack and somehow over the years my mind built him up to be something so great... So that's been stressful but talking about it here makes me feel a lot better. 

My family's all hanging out in the living room. I should really make some tea and join them for a bit. Josie might be coming over later this evening. Originally we were planning on going to a party that her coworkers are holding but the snow on the roads and potential for worse weather later tonight deterred both of us from wanting to go. 

peace. 

Eating fast, some anxiety with food.

Last night Brendan drove over... for the THIRD time this break, ha ha we can't seem to stay away from eachother for that long. No word from him yet this morning, he's probably just doing chores or hanging out with his brother or something.

We're going to see eachother in a few days on New Years eve. I'm really happy to start my year with him. I'm wearing the socks he got me right now. I've got some laundry to do and if Sam gets ahold of me I'm going to go into Richland to make a deposit then hang out with her. I texted her earlier but haven't gotten a response yet.

Brendan and I went into town to do a couple returns and we went out to a late lunch at Stone soup. I accidentally ordered a turkey sandwich even if I've been eating turkey for the past few days. I was craving vegetables more than anything but couldn't think of what meat I wanted so just got turkey. It was good though, I really like Stone soup. I got their delicious enchilada soup with the crushed chips on top, too. I ate too fast... Brendan makes me realize this because he eats his food at a really slow, controlled pace. I'm envious...

I think the main reason that I eat fast is because I don't enjoy most food that much. A lot of food I eat very quickly because I'm afraid that if I slow down and really taste what I'm eating I won't want to keep eating it and I won't get the nutrients that I need. Not enjoying food started when I was working at Rite Aid, taking two Bronkaid a day and barely felt like I needed food at all. Now I only take a half Bronkaid every couple days when I feel I need it and it doesn't seem to have a dramatic effect on my eating habits.

I think I will start purchasing cookbooks or cooking magazines to get more inspiration and recipes.. A lot of the food I cook for myself is more about substance and nutrients to feel full and not get sick. 

I think my fast eating cause a lot of my chest pains too. I've still been dealing with that. I'm going to buy some tums and antacids and hopefully that will absolve the problem and I won't have to see the doctor again. Brendan told me one free doctor visit is part of my tuition so I'm going to take advantage of that if these chest pains don't go away.

Brendan told me my personality is like a tornado. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I think my eyes make my emotions very obvious.

I want more than anything to just believe there's nothing wrong with me. That I have nothing to worry about... We live in this country of fear and I try to live my life as happily and safely as possible. I feel like God and my ancestors gave me this incredible gift of intelligence, beauty and musical talent. I feel so lucky yet I often go through fear and anxiety that there's something wrong with my health and everything will be pulled out from under me. In the new year I want to improve this.

peace. 

Trying to get back to normal.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


It's nice to be home... much, much less stress, anxiety, etc...

My Mom has has helped me out immensely by taking me to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me Lorazapam. I now have something to take if I'm on the verge of having a panic attack but it makes me feel a little strange so I don't intend taking these very often. It's just a matter of not thinking about this and moving forward...

Today I'm planning on spending the whole day on the computer, playing my guitar and hanging out with my awesome family... And Jimmy.

Last night I went over to Samantha's house and immediately came out to her about the difficulties I've been having with my panic attacks. I was feeling very weird and unable to relax. Samantha is very understanding of what I've been going through and I know that she will be there for me no matter what. I talked to Shawn about learning to relax and he said, "I just don't care. There's no use in getting all worked up about something you can't control..." That's very true, that's what most people say, it's always just been hard for me to live and let live...

There are many underlying factors that led to this panic. Being worried about school, feeling isolated at Central, Jed telling me he liked me again and building hope about it then shortly being let down afterward...Just a number of things, more than anything though it was the panic of having another panic attack after my initial one back a few weeks ago.

So my biggest challenge is just to not think about it at all. Now that I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me (I went to the doctor's office and had a physical, everything looks very normal) there's no reason for me to worry. It's all just in my head. I just have to keep breathing... and stop thinking about breathing.

When I told Shawn about my almost near constant fear that it felt like my throat was closing up he told me, "Well it won't... Your throat won't do that." Logically I know that it won't, but that's always where I can feel the panic start. Then it moves to my chest.

I went over to Katelynn's house after Samantha's, and when I got there I took my 3rd Lorazapam half for the day. We smoked a little and it made me feel a LOT better. Smoking always helps me put things into perspective and calm me down, but the stuff that I was smoking before was too potent and made me feel even more paranoid then before.

So yes, very good visit with Katelynn, I always sleep extremely well on that mattress that she pulls out in the living room. Her and Alan are planning to move to different apartments over in Richland-- pretty close to Shawn and Sam, actually. That will be very nice.

I'm feel calm today. This has been a difficult few days with this panic issue but it's slowly resolving itself back into normalcy.

peace. 

I'll just take my 10 lbs of muscle milk and go now.

How's it going?

I'm fantastic. Today was my last day at Rite Aid, course I didn't realize this until halfway through my shift but now that I'm done... WOOHOOOOOO!!! Never working retail again. It feels weird to now know that I don't have a job but so much is going to happen to me in the next month or so I can hardly contain the excitement.

I was going to run out to Kennewick today but my stupid phone ended up dying. It was fully charged this morning but apparently I forgot to completely back out of the Spotify program and it sucked out all it's life in two hours. I swear to God that stupid phone is either dead or deactivated more than I'm able to use it. Jason just texted me, he's a lot better about texting than I am but we've been talking for over a month now. I'm wondering how our friendship is going to play out when we're at school, it'll be nice to have a friend up there from the get go but I'm sure if it's anything at all like orientation I'll meet people very quickly.

I bought a whole bunch of Muscle Milk mix today. That'll be my last big Rite Aid steal, they were marked down 75% off because they were about to expire but I'll take my chances. The powder has the consistency of flour, it doesn't look like it's going to spoil very easily. I got one large (reg $50), one medium (reg $41.99) and one small (reg $20.99) for about $30. I also got a couple stress relief "homeopathic" drugs for a couple bucks just to try them out as well as some cocoa concentrate.

I can't tell you if it worked or not because I was pretty relaxed to begin with but I can say that they'll be kept in my special drawer. You never know when I might feel some anxiety for whatever reason.

4 days!!!
(coming down to the end people)

peace. 

A little disappointed with my saving abilities. :(

I feel absolutely sick with myself.

I've made no money this summer, zip, and I've tried so hard... maybe I should have tried harder, not gone out to see friends in town as often, I really don't know. I checked my bank statement for May and it said I have $1600 back then... I have $1533 in the bank right now, $200 until my next paycheck.

My upcoming expenses between now and when I move are pretty steep. Here's my budget for July 28-Sept 10:

-Amplifier, $200

-Differin, $70

-About $60 for gas

-$80 for Jacob

-$30 for Mac Careblend makeup

-$100 misc nessasary expenses

-$50 for medication

total: $590

I've got 4 paychecks between now and the end, adding up to about $1000, sans the expenses = about $400 that I could potentially save. My goal is to have $1,750 in the bank at the end. 

This just sucks, I feel like I've done hardly anything this summer except sit in my room practicing and work. I've hung out with friends, which can get expensive but most of the time me and my friends just sit around anyway because I never want to do anything because I don't like spending the money on gas. 

Meh, I should try not to stress out about these things. It really shouldn't matter that much to me but for some reason it always has because the stress my parents have put on me about saving; predominantly just my Dad.  

peace.

Throwing up SUCKS.

There is an anxiety that I have that has been haunting me for awhile now, and started about this last December.

In many situations this year, when I find myself spending the night at somebody's house, I end up spending the entire night puking, or feeling nauseous and unable to sleep and then puking the next morning. This happened, AGAIN, last night, in a completely comfortable situation.. and I had to leave because of it. Luckily, they didn't see how sick I was. I ended up drinking pepto out of their fridge. Lovely.

Here are the situations where it has occured...



1. The first known situation of it, where there were no diseases such as the stomach flu (California trip home in La Grande) or hangover involved (happened once on one shot of tequila mixed with my meds), was when I was with Michael Kaminski in Seattle. Upon meeting him, I knew my parents wouldn't like him so it made me very, VERY stressed out to the point that I could not sleep at all and was over the toilet all night. The next morning it got the worst, and Katelynn went to a gas station to buy me gatorade and anti-nausea. She's a great friend.. that was incredible.
   
   Since this has happened, every time that I've had to stay overnight in a hotel I've gotten sick. Except for the night when Michael went home and we stayed in an airport hotel.

2. The second main situation was Chris's anime party. I got stuck here overnight because my car broke down, and when I called my parents about it they yelled at me and I felt extremely guilty about it. The problem was my starter, or an electrical problem, as always. There was really nothing I could do. It started the next morning, anyway. Regardless, it made me so stressed that I found myself puking all night... at his house. It was an embarrising mess.

3. The third situation was at Zac Weery's house after the System of a Down concert. Zach's mom was convinced I had drank something laced with a drug but now that I look back on it, it was probably just a panic attack like the previous situations. Regardless, she did help me calm down a lot. Didn't sleep at all that night. Was dry heaving because there was no food in me and I couldn't even hold down water. It was a mess, especially because this girl that we were staying with's parents didn't know me and Katelynn were there so I could of caused major problems. I completely destroyed their plans to enjoy the night....

And now, last night, which kept me throwing up all morning and I still haven't really eaten today. It's 5 PM. Plans fell through today that I thought were going to be really fun, but as always there has to be some flaky ass situation and now i'm not sure what my plans are exactly. I should really fill out that college application. I think I'll also play the bass.

One of Jack's friends messaged me today and it was really weird. He's lived next door for about three years and we have never said shit to eachother, haha. It's funny how their mentalities work. Even if I do talk to Jesse or any other of Jack's friends, I probably won't ever hang out with them as a group because of how we've known eachother since we were kids and we never liked eachother back then, hahaha.

I really hope whatever anxiety this is passes, and i'll be able to move out and now be puking all night where ever I start to live. oi vey.

yours,

Emily

Nothing in the world I hate more.

Adderal is out of my system now, and I feel like my regular, miserable self again.

It was nice to feel normal for a couple days, though during one of the days I made a huge mistake and now I'm kicking myself over it. But regret is pointless. As the thought of it continually harasses me and buzzes around in my head, I feel that there isn't much that can make me feel lower at this point.

Fortunately, my dad is going to show me how to list things on Ebay this weekend so I'll be making some money at least and will have something to fill my time. Today I had a migrane and slept, a LOT. Couldn't find the motivation to do anything. I had a doctors appointment and explained my circumstances with the help of my mom, and she gave me a survey to fill out. She's going to grade the survey and hopefully I'll have my prescription for Adderal by Friday. I hate that I'm potentially going to be diagnosed with another mental disability.

But then I got to thinking, perhaps ADHD is a huge contributor to my self esteem itself. I am never satisfied with anything I do, which is a symptom of ADHD. Then the fact that my mind always seems cluttered by useless, irreverent bullshit that either makes me feel down on myself or humiliated. This is what I'm feeling now, and writing about it might make things a bit better.

My aunt Ellen made me feel a lot better about this with a comment that she recently made to me on an entry I made last week.

"I absolutely wouldn't want to go through being your age again for any amount of money. It's not an easy time. Depression makes it much harder. I speak from experience. It will get better. Really. That's not me just trying to say something nice. It really will get better."

She wrote a lot more but this immediately made me feel better tonight. Though it's not anything different then say, my mom has said, she has actually been through what I'm going through. People that have never been through depression do not understand how difficult it is to overcome. Things ARE turning around though. I've decided this, and I think that is the first step-- to DECIDE that things are going to get better.

Because the way that I look at it, this is MY life, and what matters is ME because that is all that matters in the end. I should stop obsessing on things that have happened before because more then likely I am the only one that remembers them, as they play over and over in my head like a broken record.  I'm not saying that I need to be vain, but I need to feel content with what I have and what is happening currently in my life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying TOO much about the future. Because it seems like at every stage of my life so far, I've been miserable and telling myself that things will get better at other times.. In middle school I always told myself things would get better in highschool, and they did, but I was still unhappy. Then I said college would be better, and now at CBC things ARE MUCH better than highschool. So why am I still feeling this monthly depression?

This is why I take medication.

Because really, taking a look at my background and my past, this is never going to get any better without help. I have a chemical imbalance. It's a disease. I'm sitting here, ranting to this blog again. Rantrantrant. Fuck. I am so tired of this. 

My sister is being a whiny little shit about her car, or lack of one. Whah whah Emily got a car before she got her license, oh whah I have to save money! Whah I have a bunch of cute guys that are constantly coming over and telling me how great I am, whah! Whahhhh I have a ton of friends and I'm popular, whah!

She has a job that she lucked out in getting because my mom handed it to her. So she has to save for her first car, and so she's bitching to my parents about it continually and making everyone on eggshells. Because of this, my mom has been letting Avery use my van and she's been using my car, which means I'm stuck in my house until one of them gets home. Sometimes my mom doesn't get home until 6', and my sister is always going someplace too. Now my DAD wants to take my car tomorrow. 

Shit my mom needs the computer...

yours,

Emily

 

Adderall.

I need to make this quick because I have an hour and eighteen minutes to write this. My mom's computer is going to die, and because I'm timed I feel a little rushed.

Yesterday was incredible. Fantastic. Amazing. I really can't begin to describe how it felt to finally have a day like this, and I think it contributes to adderall. What happened was, when me and Corey were driving home from school, we started talking about ADHD and how he has it and how it's effected him. He told me that it makes it really hard for him to focus in school, which I can relate too.. Sometimes, when I'm studying my Japanese, I'll write the vocab words over and over and over and while doing so while space off and think of something else, then come back and realize that I hadn't absorbed the word that i'm writing. Anyway, this was just one of many examples that we were running off.

He told me that he takes an ADHD medicine called Adderall that has dramatically improved his life because it has helped his grades, helped him study, and his confidence. I explained to him that I take an anti-depressent called Paxil, and I am currently looking to find another anti-depressent because Paxil does not help me at all anymore. This last week when I was almost chronically depressed, I was still taking Paxil, and I got the feeling that it does not help me at all anymore. He told me that Adderall can work as an anti depressent as well. He offered me one, and I took it. I was convinced. ***note: He did not PUSH it on me, but after talking to me about it and explaining my distaste with Paxil, I thought I'd give it a trial shot. This was all me.***

At first, I felt nothing. We got back to my house and I made us some corn dogs from the freezer, which he apparently likes-- ick. Suddenly, about forty-five minutes after we got home, I felt an incredible wave of calm. All of my negative thoughts suddenly melted. I felt calm, content, NORMAL. We spent most of the rest of the time we spent together talking and watching south park, then we had to go pick up my broken down car out in Kennewick.

After Corey (who is a lifesaver for driving me not only to and from school but out to get my car) left, I laid down for a bit and read for awhile until Katharine came over. Me, my mom, and Katharine all sat around and talked and my mom said she noticed a significant improvement in my attitude. At first I said that this all had to do with the fact that I felt like the weight of finals had been off my shoulders, but then I admitted to them that I had taken Adderall. They said that though I was a lot sweeter, I didn't act out of the ordinary. Katharine said that her brother was taking adderall again for his ADHD and he has lost a sufficient amount of weight and his confidence is up.

Honestly, I don't know if I have or don't have ADHD, and if I started taking Adderall it would be for an anti-depressent and a way to get off of paxil. I've done some research and there are some obvious pros and cons to it:

Pros:
-Today they kicked my depression's ASS. I can't even describe how calmed down and happy I felt. I felt like a ton of weight was off my shoulders.

-It does help you focus. Corey said that it is used as a "study-drug" because people take it to help them study for tests. I get pretty good grades already, but it'd be nice to be able to retain information better without having to cram so hard with little success because of the amount of distractions.

-If it's as good as it seems, could dramatically improve my life overall.

Cons:

-It's 3 f'ing AM and I'm wide awake. I've been awake all day, and yet I can't sleep now. That's a little scary but I think if I got a tolerancy to the drug and took a lower dosage this wouldn't be a problem (the one I took was 25 mg, and I took it in the afternoon).

-Decreased appetite. This is sort of a good thing and a bad thing but I do not crave food at all, yet all I've had to eat all day is two small bowls of cereal. This is very unusual for me.

-Some people on a "Adderall Side Effects" page are saying that while using it, it led to dependence and continually increasing their doseage until they were having hallucinations and such. I think honestly anybody could do this with any drug. I mean, I could of gone to the doctor and asked for higher doses of Paxil when I got depressed.

That's all the information I've discovered on it so far. A lot of the stories on the Adderall reviews page are contradictory, and people keep asking questions if the drug can lead to random side effects like joint pain and hair loss. I don't know, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it. I'd really like to get off of Paxil, especially with Spring break here and all.

yours,

Emily