Bad end to Round 1. Enter Round 2.

I did pretty horrible on my money and banking test (74%) and am finding it really hard to not feel extremely guilty because I partied this weekend. Had I just stayed home and reviewed the material on either Friday or Saturday night I would have done much better.

I just wanted to find some sort of balance in my life between school and having fun and thought that taking a break on the weekend would actually help me but it's only making me worse. My major is so difficult and the only way I'm going to get through it is to focus solely on myself and my understanding of the material. I've been so sick and worn out this last week it's been a struggle to get anything done....

I'm now nervous as Hell how I did on my public finance test. Today marks the beginning of Round 2-- I'm going to study harder, smoke less, not drink, go to bed on time, spend less time on facebook, take vitamins and eat healthier to get A's on my next tests to raise my overall grades to normal. I do not consider myself a person of "average" intelligence and when I got a score that reflected that it was like a stab in the heart and a slap in the face that I need to change my current habits.

peace.


I'll write more later after I get some work done and have a better idea of how I'm going to do this. I'm planning on writing a new practice sheet, weekly assignment schedule and priorities list today and hopefully get myself back to the confidence level of where I need to be...

When your brain hits the frantic button

I had the most ridiculously difficult statistics test today. I studied nearly 6 hours for it total, if not more... I felt like half that time was spent just reading the concepts over and over to just try to wrap my head around what the hell they were talking about. 

I felt like I was doing great on the test until the Sipic said "10 minutes" when I was on problem 16 out of 32. Need I say more?

New approach to finishing stats tests, and math tests in the future..... 

LOOK at the problem, read it. Read it AGAIN. 

Figure out what kind of problem it is.

Don't really look at answers.

Apply equation.

Check algebra. 

Instead I was doing... (*when I realized I was running out of time that is)

Read problem

Look at answers

Try to draw some conclusion and feel a little overwhelmed when the answer didn't stick right out at me (obviously)

Rewrite the f'ing information in the question...

Then find the equation.

Feel pressed for time.

Try to apply equation.

Feel like I'm wasting too much time.

Sloppily apply arithmetic.

Circle closest answer.

It was miserable!! Ha ha, though on the bright side I know I DID get some right answers just from studying the hell out of the material these past few days. I'm hoping that works as a buffer from completely failing the test because that's embarrassing. 

I want an A in that class sooo bad. I want to do super well on that final so I'm going to spend these next couple weeks really solidifying the concepts we've been covering over and over and over again. That's why it's so frustrating is because I can see it coming together but with this kind of math you have to try it again and  again before you actually know it. 

The lame thing about today is that I skipped econ to study for stats but I ended up going back to sleep for an hour and a half after I studied for an hour. I feel like the better option would have been to take a rhodiolla and kept working. That probably would have gotten it to the level that I would have needed to do well on the last 5-6 problems that I pretty much threw away by guessing. 

So yeah sometimes even if I think I've fully prepared myself things can still throw me for a loop. 

Well I had the coolest thing happen today! 

After my friend Matt stopped by at around 6' I finally rallied enough to go grocery shopping. My Mom wrote me a check that I can't switch over to my account until the 25th but until then I am officially BROKE. Lol I had to use that cash today before I spent it on a slice of pizza or something at North because I've been eating away at my food surplus the past couple weeks. That's been a good experience for me in itself because I feel like I was too wasteful at the beginning of the year but that's because I made crappy choices on what I was buying.

$19.94.

When I saw that was the total I was so stoked, like I felt like I had just won the price is right. I had gone through at store in about a half hour. I'm not kidding, it was so fast because I didn't want to give myself time to look around. 

Oh, and I saw Sipic in the f*ing store, I'm not even kidding right now. I was just thinking "Good God I do not want to make small talk with you right now." Especially after I felt like a complete dork because I was the lasttttt one in class to finish that damn test and kind of took advantage of the time constraint. Again, why does this matter to me what so ever? I can't tell you.

Well Terry had no problem acting like a dick today, like always. We actually texted quite a bit today because I'm sure he was pissed off about the test as I was. Lol it's so funny any time we get done with tests one of us will text eachother like "How'd you do?" Next quarter we're going to be in two classes together, with two of the same professors that we had this quarter. I'm excited that I'll have no problem staying motivated in the fall if we can manage to keep this up. 

I think that's why we never get too close... is because neither of us want to lose this. It's like I'll try to be kind of flirtatious with him occasionally but his responses are usually kind of vague. I kind of like to think of Terry as more than someone I just study with and use as a tool of motivation because there is still some weird part of me that likes him. Or maybe I just like the overall outcome of being around him. It feels fantastic to have someone as competitive as I am to fuel my fire. 

The high point of my day was getting in contact with someone and getting their number completely unexpectedly. Well that and my friend Matt came over. Yeah it wasn't a terrible day. All I know is I wanted to write and I need to study econ.

peace. 

A fresh start, round 2.

My friend Kevin is extremely helpful. Period.

He came over tonight after law class and helped me with a few of my assignments that I hadn't gotten done because I was away this weekend and helped me get caught up. Tomorrow I've got ANOTHER legal assignment (Chapter 12) that I have to submit and we've barely lectured on chapter 9 in class yet. At least the homework allows the class to stay somewhat ahead of the game.

I've got my midterm in there this next Monday. I figure if I do one of the study guides every day I will satisfy that grade. That's six times going over last year's midterm of 150 questions. Each run though the test should take me about an hour and a half. That test is going to be difficult but if I study the midterm extremely well I should have a good shot at getting above a B.

Okay so I got my accounting grade on the first test. I failed just like I thought I did... BUT. I got a 61% so that's still 60% of the points. That's not a hole I can't get myself out of. I can't afford another bad grade but I am going to work extremely hard for the next two tests. It's just a matter of making sure I get at least an hour a day. Granted some days are going to take longer than others (like Tuesdays when I've got homework) but on those other 5 days if I really make a point to both take care of myself and do a solid hour of studying a day I should really improve in that class. I've been doing flash cards too.

Holtfreter knows that I'm working really hard. I actually came to his office today to pick up the overhead slides for chapter 11 but he told me he'd left them at home and pretty much kicked me out. It's okay, he's busy, but damn he'd told me the previous week to come to his office to get help but my effort was pretty fruitless. Regardless, I'm going to continue to show up, every day that I have class about an hour before class begins to get the overhead slides...

Burnadette P. also offered to study with me before the test. It doesn't look like the professor is going to jumble up the groups so that's good... I don't see why he would, the distribution of failure is pretty even throughout the classroom. There were 8 A's, 5 or 6 B's, a few C's, a few D's and 12 F's. More F's than anything. This really sweet Vietnamese girl is studying as hard as I am and she failed as bad as I did. Shannon D. got a D-. We're all trying our absolute hardest, that test was bullcrap.

He did say that he is going to adjust the exam for the next one somehow. I'm really hoping I feel more confident on the next one. I know I'll feel less nervous, that is if I'm able to get my permit for test anxiety on November 6th. I'm sure I'll have the next accounting test before then but maybe not, I just don't know... Everything has been going so fast, I don't even know what week this is technically. That might be a good thing to keep track of.

That 60% was when I was running on 60% of my health. For the rest of the quarter I'm going to eat healthy, sleep well, stay focused... Work my hardest, like always. This, by far, has been my hardest quarter I've ever taken.

Oh! On top of everything else I've got a math test tomorrow. I feel pretty confident about the material... I worked on most of the problems a couple times today, I'm still a little shaky on some of them but I'll figure it out tomorrow morning. I'm going to wake up at 5 to squeeze an hour in before the test like I like to do.

Ugh, this blows, I didn't get to play guitar all day today but I've got to get a good night sleep tonight. It's already 11 and it takes me a little while to actually go to sleep.



No word from Jed, all day. No word from him yesterday, all day. I'm beginning to think he doesn't want to talk to me anymore... He probably got freaked out thinking I wanted some relationship even though I didn't want him to jump to that conclusion at all. Like he kept on asking me questions about it and if I was looking for one. I told him that I honestly wouldn't mind being in one at this point, having it's been almost two years since I've been in one... but no, that must've scared him away. Why do guys ask these questions if it's just going to freak them out? Isn't it just better to go with the flow?

I don't want to think about Jed right now, really that's one of the last things really concerning me.... I guess if he is trying to cut off and that's the last time I see him then I've just gotta accept it and move on, what else can I do? Everything will work out eventually, I just hate it when I get a tiny taste of feeling of absolute satisfaction in my life (because the feeling of affection toward anyone is the only thing missing) and it goes away. I relished in the thought of us being together for about two days. And now it's over I guess. Shit. lol.

This picture is my new cover on facebook, it's some art from Mastodon but it seems like a pretty accurate representation of my stress level since I've arrived here. I feel so discouraged a lot of the time... I always feel like I'm not smart enough and it's frustrating. 

peace. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKKKK. Sink or swim, baby.

I'm almost sure I failed my first accounting test, but at least I now know what to expect. That was the hardest test I've ever taken, I didn't show my work on practically any of it, and I know what I have to do.

The test was huge, all multiple choice, 75 questions.... I almost immediately knew I was fucked when I looked at how the questions were worded and how you had absolutely no hints on how to perform the calculations. I probably would have done much better had I the time to really think about each individual question, considering I only had an hour and a half. Worst of all, you have to show your work, so for all the questions that I didn't show my work even if I guessed correctly I still got it wrong.

OH. And worst of all, I forgot my four-function calculator on my fucking desk at home so I had to work with  the professor's ancient calculator that didn't work for shit and had sticky keys and a sideways 6.

So today was not my day. I just need to remember that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now, and all I can do is study harder and move forward.

What I need to do is find a way to make sure I do a solid 2 hours a studying each day for each class so that I'm not focusing all of my energy on one class one day and then sort of spacing on other material. I think if I do that from here on out I'll be guaranteed to survive this quarter. I just don't know how to find the time to do anything besides study lately.

I've just gotta stay up later, wake up earlier, try to conceptualize the material, TRY to stay relaxed, try to find time to EAT.... Because literally I barely even make time for that anymore which is why I've been losing weight.

So this, again, is a sink or swim situation. My new day-to-day schedule is now going to look like this, every day:

1. 2 hours accounting
 -
 -

2. 1 hour math
-
-

3. 2 hours Legal
-
-

4. 2 hours Guitar
-
-

For every day that I don't have Legal and accounting class. I can only set my goal for math at 1 hour a day because realistically I know that I won't study math for two hours. If I can stick to this I can guarantee I won't fail my classes.

I just thought last week was enough.... But I gotta work harder. Five hours a day is do-able, it's like a full time job.

peace. 

How could I be THIS stupid?

Well, probably the most disappointing thing in months just happened to me.

As my friends (well, anyone who knows me at all) know, I'm an extreme perfectionist. Extreme. I have a compulsive OCD that makes me study for hours on end and write every little fucking detail down so that I don't forget anything. Well, obviously I've let my work slip to the point that I forgot to write down the time of my Japanese final. I ended up showing up to the test late and almost having a panic attack when I forgot half the grammar. the sad thing is, if I had only gotten a chance to look at the study guide, even for a couple minutes before the final I would of undoubtably aced it.

I don't even want sensee to see the damn thing. It's atrocious proof of the fact that I need to work harder, I need to stop smoking so much pot because it's probably effecting my memory, and I need to stop having so much fun because it's distracting me from my studies.

That being said, I'm going to tie the rope around my neck a little tighter. This next quarter I need to study more hours, not smoke so much weed (especially on the weekdays), probably do a better job writing things down... It's just hard even writing this because I feel like this quarter I really did do my absolute best and didn't slack or procrastinate better than I ever have.

I don't know, it just comes down to the fact that I made a mistake, and all I can do is wait for the grades to come out to see if I maintained a 4.0. Sensee knows how much this means to me, how hard I work, and that I've never been good at writing kanji compounds..

There's really nothing to say on here that will make me feel any better about this situation aside from the fact that I'm happy I didn't completely MISS the exam. That and my finals are now over and now all I can do is wait in anxiousness for my grades to come out. Maybe my mom will make me feel better if I call her.

peace.