Hey don't you wanna go down

Morning everyone..

Technically afternoon in 6 minutes. I've already logged an hour of practice time but it was while watching Intervention simultaneously. I realize now that in order to become more effective in my practicing I must cut out other distractions like my shows. Distractions decrease the utility of my time significantly because my brain is only half paying attention to the music... And even if I'm still practicing and looking at the music my mind is still more preoccupied with what's being said on the show.

This is Michael, a rage addict featured on the show Intervention season 1. 

Yesterday I did happen across a pretty interesting episode though. Michael is 22 years old and is classified by his father as a "rageaholic." Michael has had anger issues his entire life, his brother even stated that he'd hit a classmate with a music stand in the 7th grade (after his parents had divorced when he was 12). He's basically beat the Hell out of his family his entire life. His mother was asked to not participate in the documentary at all which makes me think there was some major abuse when he lived with her after the divorce. 

In the interviews his brother describes how he had been beaten unconscious and his father with a 6-foot park bench. 

I had never heard of rageaholism before this episode.. I guess aside from people that I've met in my life that have told me they had "anger problems" that they have overcome in the past. My Dad's always had a bad temper but he's nowhere near a rageaholic. From what I've been told a very close friend of mine used to have a lot of anger problems and used to treat people pretty mean which I can believe..... no offense. 

Finally got a video up of my playing... it's taken months to get the courage to do this but after I was able to work up to 100% speed after thorough practice this last week I made sure to log this accomplishment. It kind of helped me get over the feeling of doubt about my choice for the concert too so that was good. Today I'm going to play master of puppets and the day that never comes while my Mom and sister are in town.

I've got to work today at 6' which pretty much sucks d*&k.... I'm so tired of that effing place, this is technically my fifth shift in a row. At least it's from 6-close, those are usually my easiest shifts. To top it off it's a Wednesday and like yesterday there's not very many big sales going on in the kids department so I'm safe from the crowds of this last labor day weekend nonsense. From what I've heard it won't get that busy again until December. who knows if I'll even still be working there. I could technically put in my two weeks now because I dread the place but I think once I move back up to school it'll be okay. Like knowing I've got that tiny form of income and sort of an obligation to come home and recoup could be nice... or not what I want at all.

I'm getting really excited to move back to Central, that I know for sure. I still don't have a roommate. I still just want to sit around and practice all day before work and not find one... shiiiit. The next two days I have off work so there's no reason I shouldn't do everything I can the next couple days. Besides I've got nothing planned.

I can promise you 
You'll stay as beautiful 
With dark hair 
And soft skin...forever 
Forever 

Make up your mind 
Make up your mind

It's weird not having Katelynn in my life anymore because admittedly I have not really "gone out" and gotten drunk or anything since we've stopped being friends. I don't see myself going to bars anytime soon, especially now that the only person I'm really hanging out with is Zach and he's 20.

Nobody ever claimed those roses.... I don't understand what the point of that was. Here I am trying to get over someone, starting to like another guy when those roses got thrown in the mixture and has made my current state of mind much more isolated emotionally. Zach is really cute and he's a good guy and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him....

It's not fair that Zach and I have so much in common and I do like him but I've still felt unresolved about this Jay situation, especially after I got those flowers and I'd sort of suspected they were from him after I'd eliminated some names off a list. I've eliminated this list to thinking A) they are from him or B) someone that was trying to f*&k with my head and make it look like they were from him (because that's who I'd liked at the time) because they hate me...... lmfao.

I have no reason to not spend time with Zach and see where this goes. Me and Zach actually have way more in common... like we're both kind of nerdy and he appreciates a lot of the same music that I do (He had a period in highschool that he was listening to a lot of metal so he's knowledgeable and appreciates my guitar playing a lot.) He has emotions and I feel like he really listening when I'm talking to him.

But there's still something about Jay that I've always been really attracted too. I just find him interesting, sexy, intelligent, strong, resourceful.... But these are all qualities that I've perceived, which may or may not be the case. My logic is bias for him obviously and is more patient than what my Mom is saying and that's to drop it because we haven't talked in a month. I know that she's right.

 But because the case of the flowers and why Jay completely dropped contact remains unsolved I continue to sort of wonder what the Hell and why. I figure if Jay did want to do something he would have done it by now and changed his mind. 

peace. 

you don't even know crazy!! ..Recital in TWO days.

"You're soo crazy but at least you have a good attitude about when people tell it to you...." -Jake. 

Pfft whatever, I've been watching Intervention for days, you don't even know crazy until you've seen people on Crystal meth. This is from one of my favorite episodes, Christy. I'll talk more about intervention another time. Honestly it's my favorite thing to watch when I'm practicing.

Good lesson today. Jacob told me that I need to work on pages 2 and 3 of Invention tonight until the concert and strive to hit 15 hours as a goal before that point. That's five hours a day. I'm going to take the challenge because to be honest the recital is all I've had my mind on in days and if that's how long he thinks it'll take to get perfect I'll trust him. Can't remember the last time I played three hours a day, let alone 5.......

It's not about the time necessarily as much as it is perfection. Perfection is absolutely necessary -- you need to be fully confident in what you're playing because in order to have any sort of showmanship you must appear relaxed and play it effortlessly and flawlessly. 

Right now I'd say Invention is 90% completed.... And I have only the rest of this evening, tomorrow between when I wake up and 4:30 pm, and then Saturday from the time I wake up to 2 pm....

I've thought about who sent me the flowers yesterday and I think I now have a solid idea... just because of the anonymity, the fact that the note didn't say "Sorry" or anything in particular (the person I'm thinking of isn't that expressive of his feelings), the fact that it was sent to 9th street and not my house.... Damn if that is true and it is who I think it is I'd be pretty surprised because it doesn't seem like him at all-- which is why I'm keeping an open mind that it could be some completely unexpected person that out of the blue wanted to show their affection toward me, ha ha ha ha.... Yeah that's a slightly nerve wrecking thought.

peace. 

Born without a chance

To be honest I feel as though I'd rather not be here right now, and I hope that by the end of writing this blog I can be more relaxed to enjoy the rest of my night.

I am wide awake. I took a Bronkaid earlier after having little motivation to do anything after being out in the sun for a little while. A met up with a Japanese exchanged student Masaya and a group of his friends and played frisbee in the park for a little while pretty shortly after Evan hit the road this morning. I am freaking horrible at frisbee you guys, it was embarrassing. But it was still fun being out in that courtyard out by the music building. There were a bunch of guys playing football out there that I noticed were sort of eyeballing me when I was walking across the field to hang out with a bunch of Japanese people, it was kind of funny.

But yeah since then I haven't been up to anything really. I've been picking stuff up around here, did the laundry, played guitar for a little over an hour (and I'll probably play again here shortly) and talked to my Mom on the phone for about 45 minutes. It was a good conversation, of course. We're always just talking about what's been going on with these guys that kind of come in and out of my life, my classes, etc etc... I can talk to her about anything and I'm so lucky for that.

I sometimes think when I'm sad and alone how hard it must be for people that have never had their parent's support.

Austin, age 23, "When Austin’s stepfather died from alcoholism, he turned to alcohol himself to numb the pain. His girlfriend is now pregnant, and he’s doing as much partying as he can before his child is born. Austin needs an intervention to become a sober dad and break his family’s cycle of alcoholism."

http://interventiondirectory.wordpress.com/post-intervention-deaths/

I've been watching and downloading a lot of intervention that has leaked onto Youtube lately, and this is one episode that stood out out to me. Turns out the A&E actually has a directory of people that have died after intervention, and when I read that Austin was on there it made me a little sad because in his situation he really didn't have a chance. His Dad left his Mom when he was 2 and refused to be in any part of his life until he was in college. His biological father actually had the nerve to give him $12,000 to help pay for his living expenses but still couldn't wouldn't give him the satisfaction of building a real relationship with his son. For him it was like getting rejected all over again..

Shortly after he dropped out of college, got a girl pregnant, and continued to drink and party himself to death. Clearly he turned to heroin in the end, and you can just see how he was trying to mask all the pain and rejection in his life. 

Watching people's stories on Intervention always helps me better understand why people behave the way they do which has always fascinated me. Like we're all people trying to make it in this world but some of us are born in such worse circumstances than others and moving forward for some is nearly impossible. I miss when Netflix had the rights to air this show but now I've just been waiting for more episodes to be temporarily uploaded on youtube so I can put them on my computer. 

That's really all I have to say about today. Nothing's really been up. I'm feeling a little better now that I've admitted that to my blog. What can you do, right? 

peace. 

go with the flow

Hmm. Not the best day but not the worst either, just a typical monday.

I was initially sort of nervous of how Terry and I were going to interact today, if at all, considering that we hung out this weekend and we haven't spoken much since. He was fine, it was pretty much like last monday where we didn't say much of anything to eachother. Obviously if I were to try to catch him every time we walk out of BOTH classes that we have together it would freak him out and make him think that I'm clingy. I am not clingy or demand attention what-so-ever and the last thing I would want is for him to think that.

Things always ef up for girls when either
A. You have sex with the person before they get to know you or 
B. You act too clingy or act like you need the person. 

Now I don't have a boyfriend myself but I've been through enough that I understand the system if someone likes you. If I don't do either of these things, and he decides he doesn't want to hang out or talk to me anymore then that's just his choice and the way it's meant to be and I wouldn't feel like I did anything wrong.

Again I'm not worried about it, but today I sort of gauged how things are going to be between us. We both like space, I have to continue to give him space and let him text/talk to me as much as possible I think. We had a blast when we hung out with eachother-- even if we're quite argumentative and competitive about things. Hanging out with him kind of reminded me of hanging out with Jacob which really appealed to me. I really like guys with high self esteems, self worth and have their priorities in order at least to a degree.

So yeah, I guess I can admit to you guys that I have a crush. To be honest I'm quite scared about my feelings for this person so I barely flirt at all. He's intimidating because he's very intelligent like I am and the last thing I want him thinking is that I'm a giggly bimbo like the girls in my comm class. Acting less intelligent than I am has caused me to lose a couple guy's interest, and each time after I reflected upon it I felt absolutely silly. That was years ago, though, I have better control over the things I say and do now. I just have to be myself around him, 100%, and whatever happens happens.

Well anyways today's been pretty productive. I've felt kind of lethargic because I went to bed kind of early last night then woke up at 5'. You think that would make me more energized but I actually function a lot better when I stay up somewhat. I actually took a little nap after my statistics class today.

Professional speaking was interesting enough because there were personal introductions. Bradley was like on speed during his speech, he had drank a redbull right beforehand. I am looking forward to doing my speech tomorrow, I've been preparing for it in front of the mirror while I get ready in the morning. Bradley told me that he never rehearses.  I remember when I didn't rehearse or try hardly at all in my speech class at CBC and you could tell.

Well BOTH of my students canceled today. I feel like I've been trying to reschedule them for weeks

So what am I going to do?

Study, play guitar and watch intervention. Yup, the usual. 

peace.

I finally realize what I'd want.

Ha ha, okay there's a first for everything.

Jessie, the girl that I sit next to in my economics class, and I have have not talked for over a month. I don't think she particularly likes me. I deleted her from my friends on facebook. I don't think her and my personalities really click. I'm too nice to people, ha ha ha. I'm sorry but jeez, you should have seen these nasty looks her friend was giving me when I was at this party. Her friend Alan who's apparently competed in American idol with an accent and Jessie's roommate sat with us and spent most of their time talking smack about other girls. I really had nothing to say, and found myself quiet the majority of the time. I didn't imagine I'd be hanging out with them again from that point on and I didn't realize Jessie disliked me until the night of that party.

Actually I think she'd been sort of giving me the cold shoulder for a couple weeks prior to that. Ha ha, she discovered our personalities didn't click very well before I did. I decided after that night to stop talking to her. We haven't talked ever since.

Around the same time my roommate and I stopped talking. I'm not too worried about it.

I've been watching Daria a lot on Hulu. Did I tell you guys that I've got Hulu premium? For a month or so anyway. I plan to cancel it when I'm done watching all the episodes and get sick of it. Like king of the hill, this is best taken in little chunks here and there and not watch them all back to back because they can get boring. I find this show really humorous but a little less enjoyable for me than King of the Hill for some reasons.

There's something really nostalgic feeling about Daria because it used to be on in the background at times when I was a kid but I was too young to get the humor so it never caught my attention for very long. The first episode came out in 1997, when I was six. The dull, grungy colors are very 90's feeling.

This is Trent Lane from the show Daria. Want  to hear something kind of funny? The first thing I'd really recalled from the show when I was reminded that I wanted to watch it is that I thought Trent was hot. From the one or two times I probably watched it at Katharine's house when I was 9 or 10. My tastes in men have not changed what so ever, hahaha. Grungy musician types with dark hair.

No, I'm just kidding. To be honest I have no idea what my type is physically, an attractive guy is an attractive guy. I more go for good "Types." I'm not trying to stereotype  but there are definitely different "Types." Like I've been attracted to cowboy types (not my thing what-so-ever but I have liked a couple), skateboarders (in my younger years), musicians, snowboarders, artists,... Idk, just as long as a guy has something that he's up too so that he's not bugging me all the time. He's got to have something going on. I used to perceive types inaccurately when I was younger.

Creative abilities are always a plus but not necessarily guitarists I've found. As I've dealt with guitarists I've learned that I don't want to date one because it's a very competitive game, ha ha ha. Okay it doesn't HAVE to be but it's what really inspires us to progress. It does not bother me that Abe doesn't practice all the time like I do.

I don't think I could ever be with someone just like me, but there are some qualities in my personality that I like a guy to have. Like I like him to be able to not humiliate himself in a large group of people. It is very important that a guy has enough composure to be around other people and not make me feel awkward. Now I am much, much less picky about this with people in general. In fact I'm an extremely tolerant person. But when it comes to someone I'm dating, having composure is an absolute plus.

I think that's one of the reasons I liked Jed quite a bit initially (I swear to God I do not still like this guy. I just have few references of guys I've really liked since I've discovered that I am qualified as a person to not settle for someone I'm not attracted too). He told me that his appearance and how he acts around people is something worth paying attention too. I understand what he means completely. Even if I don't try to second guess what I say and do in my everyday life when I do say stupid things because that's pointless (and I used to do a lot of that when I was younger) I try to say what's appropriate for a given time/who I'm talking too. We all do it. And I'm not saying you're two faced. Or have multiple personalities. But you wouldn't talk to your best friend the same way you talk to your grandmother.

It really has taken me years to manage having any kind of confidence and composure. I can look back on my old blog entries from years ago on facebook and think of this. I think life is just what you make it. How you perceive it. It's unfortunate to say that some people are born into very, very hard circumstances and find it hard to live successful, fulfilling lives because they are immobilized by the obstacles of their upbringing. Though everyone is born with a certain nature (whether or not this is inherented from your parents in some way is questionable), the things that happen in your life sculpt who you are.

When I think of people that started out with a messed up life I often think of the stories of those on Intervention. This is one of the more memorable ones, Christy. 

It seems like almost all of these drug addicted women on Intervention were molested when they were younger. I would say this has a higher frequency of leading to drug dependancy than other disasters in a child's life.

peace.