22 in 1.15 hours. Government might shut down for it.

Hello everyone.

This birthday has weighed on my mind quite a bit. I feel like this birthday has been more of a realization of adulthood than 21 was. Any time I begin to feel worry about aging I begin to think about how much more stressed and insecure I was this time last year... How I wasn't barely eating anything while trying to cram for 3 hours.. Ha ha, thank God for people like Kevin P. and Burnadette P. that gave me advice about the importance of rest and good food early on.

Me about this time last year. Cute picture but that dingy green tanktop is a pretty good representation of what I chose for my wardrobe at the time. Actually most days I'd wear practically all black to class-- either jeans and a black tank top or black yoga pants with a black tanktop. I was so stressed out at the time that I only cared about what was comfortable. 

This time last year I was also going through an increasing amount of anxiety. Note that I wasn't taking Prozac until about January, by then having gone through months of panic attacks and feeling the need to completely cut myself from the outside world as much as possible. Over time of taking my medication my panic attacks have ceased and my general outlook on live has improved. This has come from the support of my friends too.

Today was a typical Monday. Both of my economics professors spent a good amount of time talking about how there is potential for government shut down over the disagreement about Obamacare. Now that I realize why the Republicans oppose it I can see why this is happening... Originally I thought it all had to do with republicans feeling uncomfortable about the government overstepping it's bounds by making everyone buy insurance-- when in actuality it's the CHEAP insurance itself that is the problem. If Obamacare is implemented it will likely be run by democrats and republicans feel like this will give democrats too much power because all the people buying cheap insurance will want to keep the program running and will be more likely to vote democrat. It makes sense.

Yeah honestly I didn't understand why the Republicans hated Obamacare so much until Sipic explained it today. I love his lectures, the way he says things just makes sense.... even this totally abstract tool that he's trying to teach us about being able to measure the maximum amount of utility (pleasure) people can get from the stuff they buy. By the looks of it finding out how to do this is going to be a complete b**ch but the way he explained what it was made sense which is always the first step to figuring this junk out...

The formulas in economics are really bizarre and abstract because it tries to make humans actions (assuming that they're rational) quantifiable-- then to be moved onto graphs and stuff to be used for a company's research. It's not as boring as it sounds; actually it's the closest thing humans can get to predicting the future.

I texted the guy in my public finance class who's also the president of the econ club asking him when the first meeting is. He's friendly and helpful and I got the info I needed on that. I also signed up for that career fair november 1st that'll hopefully land me an internship.

Moving right along, yay. Sorry this entry was kind of boring guys.

peace.

Suicide girls (....and more Luke, lmfao)

Evening everyone.

Today's been pretty productive. Today I went to the library and printed out Ghosh's sort of insane looking 16-page handwritten notes meant to help us with an article we have to write about by the 15th. I originally went to the library to print Carbaugh's handouts for money and banking but wasn't able to log in because of a caps issue in the username. I feel like a moron because I sent him a message about it but then I figured out what I did wrong and I'm like, "uh duh..." ha ha.... third quarter of this professor's class, you think I'd be able to get this shit right.

Anyway, I plan on getting up earlier than usual tomorrow to go print out those handouts in the library before his class at 10.

Today I also read about half of Chapter 2 in my Managerial book, which for some reason I find the most difficult to read. It's funny, because all of my classes are economics I'm having difficulty distinguishing whether or not I'm unknowingly giving one class more time than another. The material is really fascinating though and I know my listening skills have improved a lot since last year.

Thinking back to this time last year, I was taking accounting with that kind of senile guy, pre-calculus and that law class with the New Yorker that called me "Miss Wilson." Ha ha ha, yeah I definitely remember feeling my eyelids feeling heavy in all three of those classes at one time or another.. I also remember doodling pointless stuff in the margins and counting down the minutes left in class. In these classes I couldn't imagine doing that because I feel like I need to remember as much as this stuff as possible for my own benefit in the future.


Oh!! weirdest a$$ thing happened today!! 

  

pictured: Kelsey R., Jake's girlfriend (left), who's also friends with Rachelle, my friend Samantha's sister in law (right). 
Because I've followed Rachelle's posts on facebook for a long time I've seen Kelsey's comments but we've never talked. 

Kelsey added me on facebook. Ha ha this was completely out of left field for me because from what I'd heard she didn't like me much. Yesterday was her 24th birthday and she posted a picture of a purse from Megan that I worked with at JCpennies. Finding out that they were friends didn't come as a surprise to me because I remember Megan telling me that she'd gone to a lot of local metal shows. Kelsey is also friends with Rachelle, as well as Brandon C. and a bunch of other music people Jake knows that have been in that scene. 

Anyway yeah she sent me a message saying that "Jacob said you wanted to be friends : )" and of course I was stoked because yes, I'd wanted to actually get in contact with her for awhile. I want her to form her own judgement of me but also see most importantly that even though Jacob means a lot to me-- and has made more impact on my life than anyone I've ever encountered, it is not a romantic or sexual attraction what so ever. Lol and I'm thankful I'm not into him that because theoretically if I was and would have made any passes at him he would have inevitably harshly rejected them, gotten angry at me for violating the professionalism of his business, and asked me to leave. Yeah not something that I have ever wanted at all. 

But yea it'd be pretty sick to actually get to know her as a person. From what I've seen we have a lot in common so I have never seen why not. 

In other news Luke's not mad. I think. 

He commented on a status I'd posted last night: "Why is it so hard for me to have people in my life here....... —" which is pretty much what was ringing through my head all night last night. He said "Join the club." because I'm pretty sure this is what he's feeling living in Seattle right now. Like he's considering moving to San Diego to continue his music career but is at a crossroads about it.  Probably not gonna send him any more messages directly though unless he gets ahold of me first because I still don't know what that "failed to send" shit was all about.. lol.

It's still awesome to me that we're communicating on facebook because I really look up to him as a musician. He's got hands like no other and is probably one of the greatest living guitarists in the world. 

So yeah that's it for my weekend. Just studying a lot, practicing, BSing with people on facebook, then studying more. Ha ha, lame. Looking forward to school this week though. My birthday is in two days and I don't have anything planned but maybe I'll try to figure out something for the upcoming weekend if I decide to make time for it.

peace.

Hmm.. very uneventful first weekend. Not feeling great.

Of course I didn't make any plans really so I only have myself to blame.

Yesterday I talked to Allie briefly about what she was up to that night and she said she was going to a party and her friend from back home is coming. I didn't really ask anything about it but figured she'd hit me up about it later. I ended up meditating and falling asleep yesterday then waking up at like 9 pm.. She hadn't texted me again so I figured I'd just leave it alone because they were probably on their way out the door and I didn't feel like getting ready. Plus she didn't invite me earlier.

My parents came into town yesterday to assist me with my broken car. This week I'm planning on riding my bike to Shaw because the bus is inconvenient and my car likes to die on me in the middle of the road. Of course my Dad called me yesterday telling me I'm going to have to open the hood and "make some adjustments..." Uh okay I thought the mechanic took care of that. My Dad blames me for my car not working too, like it's my fault because I don't get it serviced enough or something....

Terry was asking me in class on Friday what I was up to this weekend but I haven't heard from him so who knows. I'm having a feeling he's out partying or something like most normal people in college. I honestly remember hating weekends last year because I never really did anything and I want to avoid that this year. It's going to take conscious effort for me to open up to people in order to make friends. I really don't feel like I have any friends here right now and I want that to change but I have a tendency to just mind my own business and get wrapped up in my routines.... Then on the weekends feeling isolated like this.

I need to try to understand what it is that prevents me from making friends here.... When my parents come here I always get depressed because they will point out places and I haven't been to any of them. Like I feel like I don't do anything here but eat, sleep, smoke, practice and study. Part of it is laziness because I never put the effort forward to find anything to do here because in my time off I just want to practice guitar. I feel like my interests right now are on tunnel vision so it's hard for me to relate to people that aren't into music... and a lot of people that are into guitar are cold

I lost my ability to communicate with Luke J. which makes me so freaking sad because I really wanted the chance to get to know him... I think I pissed him off because I was being nosey about something he was posting (about a sensitive subject so I should have known) and now when I try to send him a message it "fails to send" which I'm pretty sure is the nice way Facebook's trying to say he's not accepting messages from me.

It's just been a bad day, I just feel super lonely and insecure about where my life is socially and I'd like that to change. Here's to a better day tomorrow.

peace. 

Diving headfirst hoping I don't hit concrete

Very interesting second day.

Turns out I also have Managerial Economics with Terry on Tues and Thurs. He seemed surprised for some reason that I was in there.... Lol we're in the same major, this is bound to happen a lot. Anyway this was a pleasant surprise for both of us because we will greatly be able to benefit each other this quarter like we did last, except this time we're actually more comfortable around eachother now that I can move past the awkward guessing game and treat him as a friend.

I just enjoy how he challenges my intellect. Today he told me he has a roommate from Montana. I would later state that "Montana is the least densely populated state in the United States." Terry replied after thinking for 2 seconds, "No, you're wrong, Alaska. Montana's second."

Okay YEAH but if you're talking about inside the continental United States then I'm right.

Terry would later say "Yeah you have to get up earlier than that to beat me." BAH.

My managerial economics professor intimidated me today because he said himself that his class is "very difficult but he didn't want to publish that on his site because nobody would take the class." He talks fast and has a lot to say but his lecture was thoroughly interesting.

My public finance  paper that I have to write is super open ended and I'm planning on doing it on the connection between testing scores and how much money a school is given by the government. The school system like anything else is a business and the teachers always had this motivation to teach us how to get high test scores on the stupid State standardized tests and now I realize it had to do with money. 

Oh my car broke down and it's stuck in a parking lot over by Shaw... hope it doesn't get towed. Parents are coming up first thing tomorrow morning and we're going to get some things taken care of, like my financial aid and the fact that right now I don't have a bike. Walking sucks! ha ha Brooklane is like a mile and a half from where my car broke down today. 

peace. 

I can feel the changes

Man, so many changes over the past day I really should write.

I now live in my own apartment, though from the inside it appears more as a house. My room and bathroom is upstairs when my kitchen and living room is downstairs. I spend most of my time in the hallway where my desk is placed which is admittedly sort of cramped but it keeps me from slouching. My knees are usually up against the drawers and the back of my seat against the wall. Time to get a smaller desk if the opportunity arises-- though I do like this spot.

My neighbors are an interesting bunch... When they say Brooklane is an apartment complex that has families they meant it.. Actually most of the people I've seen here are either couples or couples with children. One of my neighbors is a single Mom with three kids. She was super forthcoming and friendly, though straight up told me that she's loud. Considering that this apartment was one of the last one-bedroom assigned here, I'm wondering if the previous neighbors had an issue....

I am going to give this woman the benefit of the doubt as much as possible that she will not be a pain in my ass. Having neighbors that aren't perfectly quiet is nice because I'm very quiet and sometimes the silence of last year got to me. Though I did witness my first yelling match between her and her son today that was pretty intense.... Apparently her son was goofing off today at school and doesn't want to do his homework and she's frustrated because she has her own work to do. Understandable. But there was some pretty colorful language that I never had to deal with growing up... I am fortunate.


Anyway!! First day of school. No "new" professors today-- I just had a class with Carbaugh and Sipic. Carbaugh's Money and Banking class was pretty boring for me because he went over the syllabus and how to pass the class and this is the third time I've heard it, lol... (btw I'm sitting by Terry again and he's not in my public finance class... good no distractions). Money and Banking itself is "Carbaugh's favorite subject to teach" so I'm looking forward to it being more in depth than micro and macro economics.

Sipic's public finance class on the other hand was actually really interesting because A)  He did an introduction to private finance and B)..... I was *kind of* excited to see him, ha ha ha-- creepy student status. He looked really nice today, it looks like he really got in shape over the summer and his hair is short...... He always has a way of making his lecture productive and relevant yet interesting enough that I don't want to miss anything.... Even if we're talking about the damn syllabus which is a day when most people don't pay attention everyone was. His presence and confidence demands attention and respect.

I was one of the two girls in the entire class, the other one being about 40 years old.

Didn't wear the adventure time shirt as much as the kid in me wanted too. Gotta at least give people a chance to take me seriously. But yeah, one of these days I'll post a picture of my awesome Hot Topic find.... dur hur hur lol I'm a DORK....

So yeah, really excited for what's to come this year. I plan on working harder than ever because I have no reason not too. I'm here, I need to take full advantage of every day to make it worth the incredible debt it creates.

peace. 

Out of Tri again.

Hello everyone, hope you're all having a super day.

Today is Samantha's fiance and good friend of mine Shawn Griffith's birthday, he turned 22 today. Happy birthday man, I'm gonna be in that same boat in 8 days. I've noticed turning 22 causes people to get their first queasy feeling about aging because it's one year after the big "landmark adult age" of 21. Shawn doesn't look worried about it and I shouldn't either... Ha ha his ability to enjoy life has always been an inspiration to me. Like today for Shawn's birthday they all bought power rangers shirts for everyone that lives in "House." 

I'm sad that I didn't see Samantha this summer because we were both working and I was always pretty broke because I didn't start working until about late June.... By then I was completely flat out broke and just wanted to recoup some of my losses by not going out much this summer. She knows that I care about her from a distance and want her to be happy though. 

Speaking of friends I've found that having not Katelynn's negative energy in my life has proved to be very productive, as I haven't drank since we stopped being friends. I feel like the timing was right to not be in eachother's lives and I honestly want her to be happy too.

I'm moving out tomorrow. The car's are mostly packed up with my stuff and some nerves are starting to set in. Based on the space predicament Miranda will not be able to come with me tomorrow. My parents have been trying to convince me out of the deal all-together by suggesting that I get a new kitten and that can be "your own cat." Uhm I'm sorry, Miranda's my cat. She's been there in some of the hardest parts of my life over the past few years and brings comfort and relaxation to me every day. I have to have her, a kitten would be a huge ass hassle. But if she does have a really hard time adapting to the new environment, it'd be something I'd consider. 

So yeah, just gotta pack the rest of my crap up... including this computer which I'd prefer to wait on as long as possible. For the most part today I've been unmotivated and packing up this would get the work done faster I'm sure but then what the hell would I do for the rest of the night (ha ha, so selfish right..?). 

Alrighty I'll talk to you guys later. Something tells me if my mom catches me still lazing around she'd be pretty irritated. Wish me luck tomorrow guys, it's gonna be a long day. I'm excited to be out on my own again but making change is always really stressful for me. 

peace. 

here's something that made me smile earlier... The makeup on the chick on the left is so 90's goth I love it.

Yo, just got back from a pretty fun evening out with my Mom.

We picked up a TV from Goodwill for like $20. It's one of those big clunky TVs but it probably works just fine. I rarely watch TV anyway but it will be good to have some ambient sound if need be. We also got a ton of dishes and cleaning stuff and what not at the dollar store to get me started this year. Because the apartment is going to be completely unfurnished I'm going to be bringing a lot more stuff up with me than last year. I'm "packing an entire house" (what my mom said earlier).


I'm getting super excited to go. As of tomorrow only 3 more days! Woo. Don't have much more to say today, I just lazed around, played guitar a shit ton and packed. OH.. one thing about my guitar playing practice ritual has changed. Unless I am learning something new I am not allowed to look at tabs. Period.

It's time for me to get serious about memorizing music.

peace.

Speaking of 90's goth and halloween, here's some Type O Negative!! Ha ha this band is a guilty pleasure that I somehow stumbled upon a few months ago. I say guilty because it might seem silly and dated to some.

Yeah you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing 

You can't go out 'cause your roots are showing 
Dye em black - dye em black 

Black black black black No. 1 

She dyes em black black black black No. 1 

Lol it's so goofy but I love this song. Good metal.

Let me hear you scream.

Took out some pretty intense emotions today.

Was it a mistake I will later regret? No, because I have a right to freedom of speech and can post whatever I want on my facebook. The information that I posted was from evidence that I had heard all over town-- not just at home, and put together clues to come up with a conclusion of the motives of why  this happened. The opinions expressed were done by me alone, no names were used and there is therefore no jurisdiction for "slander." Therefore, I am content with opening a can of worms today and expressing what had happened even if my Mom got pretty angry when she heard that I did....

I've just been so angry about this situation this summer, it's put a huge amount of stress on all of our shoulders.

Heard this in the car today and wrote lyrics "I'm not sick but I'm not well" on my arm to remember to look up the song. I do this a lot lately because when I'm living in the tri cities I spend a lot of time driving around listening to 97 rock.

Guitar lessons went well today. Jake gave me another copy of AX7 etude which sounds incredible when it's done so I'm really inspired to get started on it. He gave it to me once about 6 months ago when I was nowhere near able to take a solid whack at this. After learning Invention I feel more confident in my ability to learn complex riffs.

DELUXE cat condo. 

Now that I'm off work and spent half my savings in the past week for misc. stuff that I've needed to buy for awhile. Like I bought Miranda's cat harness today and retractable leash. Miranda allowed me to put the harness on her and didn't seem too bothered by it-- maybe slightly disoriented like when you put a shirt on the cat and they fall on the floor. I think there's a good chance she'll get used to it. My mom is building a small cat condo for the living room. I'd like to someday buy a tall one. For some reason they remind me of Katharine's house growing up and make me happy.

Lots of practicing tomorrow.

peace. 

Good luck and goodbye

R.I.P. DENNIS LEE, APRIL 11, 1967-SEPTEMBER 19 2013 

There's some sad news I read on facebook today on his daughter Amber's profile. Dennis had four daughters, Amber, Ashley, Kendra and Danielle as well as a son that grew up here in Benton city so the whole community was shocked today when they heard the news. Dennis recently became a grandfather when Amber and Ashley had babies this year and also got to see Danielle graduate. 

I hope the family is holding together through this hard time. They're in my thoughts. 

Today I spent my day off relaxing, eating good food (my sister made steaks and cous-cous for lunch which was actually really delicious), playing guitar... Also trying to figure out my upcoming expenses and how I'm going to get through the next five days or so without blowing the lame remainder of my funds. Today I had to get my prescription without having insurance. Get this shit-- REGULAR price for Prozac that Benton city pharmacist COULD HAVE sold me if he was just in it for profit: $248

But because the pharmacist at Logar is a friend and heard my situation he gave me an EXTREME discount price of $30. I literally almost cried.

I felt so incredibly lucky and blessed. There is still good in the world. 

Because you know Wal Mart wouldn't have cut me any slack on the ridiculous costs of medicine. They would have just been like "That'll be $248.32." with zero expression on their face and I would be horrified at the outrageous cost of drugs in this country without insurance. Of course had my mom not lost her job because of this LIE we would still have insurance and this wouldn't be a problem. 

Alright I'm going to bed. Still can't find my DS which is frustrating and I'm hoping it turns up when I start packing more. Last shift tomorrow at jcpenney from 11-4-- little five hour mini shift and I'm DONNNE. I'm going to meet up with my friend Chad and we're planning on grabbing coffee and a bite to eat before I have guitar at 5:30. Music Machine still has my instrument and tomorrow I'm gonna owe them $30. This is something I've been putting off all summer but damn, now I am wishing I would have done it sooner because all my money is getting draaaained here at the last minute.

peace.

Last week of summer. Cat in danger...?

Finally. Officially 7 more days until I move...

Still sucks that I'm stuck moving the DAY BEFORE school starts.... But hey beggers can't be choosers, especially this late in the game and I'm lucky enough to get a 1-bedroom. I'm really excited to be living in Brooklane because even if it's just another apartment on campus it's still a new place. I've been trying to find a floor layout to show you guys but my connection is being retarded.

I worked the past few days, which honestly meant limited practice time aside from getting the chance to complete this video that I've been meaning to do for awhile:

Ha, you can always tell when I'm concentrating really hard because my nostrils flare up. 

I try to avoid this unappealing face on video and at recitals so I try to practice to the point that I don't need to think so hard.

Let's see, I work at 5'.. That'll be a nice short shift. Then I work Thursday from 11-4 pm, then I'm DONEEE! woohoooo! I'll be happy to tell Jake about my accomplishment on the completed video this week, and he'll also be happy that I took the guitar in the shop finally. Not having my electric the past few days has forced me to play with my acoustic which sometimes I find much more enjoyable. 

Today I'm going to work on In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth, primarily for MEMORIZATION. Jake's been hammering that into my head every lesson since the last recital and this last one he was like 

"Why don't you listen to me? You should listen to me! Stop relying on those damn tabs!"

I'm like

Lol isn't that so stinking cute? I watched the movie Hotel Transylvania over at Tyler's house recently, I loved it. Since I went over there I can't find my DS which is pissing me off to no end that I'd be so stupid to leave it somewhere. So many hundreds of hours invested into those damn pokemon games... the past few days I have been getting better sleep so maybe it's best that I put this hobby to bed.................... actually no, I want my DS.

I need to figure out where my student loan money's at and how to get access to it. I also need to call my doctor to see if I can get a refill on my perscription... He didn't call me back the last time I tried so I need to keep working on it. Yesterday I forgot to take prozac and this morning my body felt super sore and stiff, it was somewhat disturbing. But yeah that's just a reminder that I need to get this taken care of. 

My family has been trying to convince me to not take Miranda to college with me... They think that having her in the apartment without the ability to go outside freely is going to have adverse effects on her health and wellbeing. Though I have a hard time believing this myself, the thought of it gives me a ping of indifference on whether or not I should take her. 

She's been acting so weird lately ever since I got the boxes out and I'm convinced it's because she knows that I'm leaving again... This is why I just want to give this a chance to see if she would like to stay with me. If she doesn't I'll bring her home, easy as that. They're also convinced that I'm going to "let her run away" if I bring her up the day of the move. Uh no, we'll bring her in a cat carrier. 

My sister is really angry about me taking her and hasn't really spoke to me in days. Well you know what too bad, she has a boyfriend that's here to keep her company practically 24-7. I'm alone. Case closed. 

peace. 

Hot buttered rum

Afternoon everyone.

My Dad seems to be on some pissed off rampage and keeps yelling the f word. Earlier today he came in and started going off about the car costing such-and-such amount to fix and he "doesn't know what we're going to do!!!" and that he keeps having to "$hit money" for everyone. Granted yes not having my car has been a pain in the ass for everyone but because my mom hasn't been working I've been able to use her van these past couple weeks. 

Last night I went over to Tyler D.'s place and hung out with him, Logan, Logan's girlfriend (and Tyler's sister) Julie, Julie's best friend and Tyler's mom. It was a really chill, enjoyable time.

Julie (right) and her best friend that was there last night (left). 

They both have pretty outspoken, outgoing personalities and the more we drank the more Logan, Julie and her friend were bouncing off eachother's jokes and Tyler and I were comparably quiet. Regardless it was a great time, last night I tried "hot buttered rum" which is basically a product that looks like cannabutter that you mix with a hot cup of rum and it gives the rum a creamier, smoother texture similar to coffee. 

So let me back up of how I got to Tyler's house in the first place...

As you guys know I've had the past couple days off. Tyler and I had wanted to go see Five Finger Death Punch this summer and realizing I'm not moving out until the 24th makes me realize the only thing between me and seeing that show is $47. To be honest Tyler could care less about FFDP's new music... and I can only name a few songs by them from memory-- though I'm sure I hear more of them on 97 rock then I realize.

Damn I want to go.... I'd of course also want to buy a t-shirt to have as an addition to my quilt... there goes another $25. . .  With my mom without a job right now, my car messed up, my Dad under stress, having to pay Jacob for the end of September, and me wanting to have more than $500 to start the year off with, I just don't see it happening. 

We'll see, I still have 6 days and I'm undecided. 

Tyler and I went to the mall yesterday and I picked up my paycheck, we drove over to Music machine where I dropped my instrument off to get re-set and strung, and got some lunch at red robin. It was a really nice afternoon and I got some stuff done that I needed to do but haven't been able to get into town. We did also wander around the mall a little bit. I bought my first day of school shirt at Hot Topic.... ha ha ha.

Alright you guys I'll talk to you later. 

peace. 

YES, YES, total happiness is an UNDERSTATEMENT right now...

I finally figured it out... the solution to my problems.

It was right in front of me all along. Why the Hell don't I just live alone? I called the housing office first thing this morning and will be able to get switched immediately. I know living alone might not sound exciting to some but for a creative introvert like me there's nothing better.

I'm just imagining the possibilities:

-I'll have my OWN kitchen-- cooking videos on youtube with no worry of interruptions.

-My OWN bathroom-- shower and bathe whenever I want without worrying about my roommate needing to use it.

-Use my AMP!

Absolute privacy. 

..And the best part is that I've got it, even this late in the game. The only studio apartment left is a "remodeled apartment in Brooklane." For some reason when she said this it made me think of the most ghetto place in the world-- like the "apartment-that-was-just-messed-up-and-we-just-had-to-fix-it" and thus hadn't been rented out yet. Regardless I do not care what so ever, I am very happy with my circumstances.

Now I know exactly what I'm bringing and can look forward to styling the apartment any way I want. I need to get some stuff out of Dad's shed to figure out what I have and what I want to bring.

And don't tell anyone you guys but I might be bringing a certain someone... 

I'm not that nervous about moving Miranda to the new environment. She absolutely loves me and she's a really smart cat so I couldn't imagine her just running off. She's probably not going to like the harness training but I'm going to do it as a way to get her outside. I'm sure I'm not allowed to have pets at student village but I know that other people have pushed the rule as long as everything is kept clean. If anyone gives me any lip about it I will gladly say I have a history of anxiety and need my pet there to help alleviate it. It's the truth.

Alright now I need to get to work. I do have a guitar lesson later so I need to practice too and somehow get a copy of "In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth." I've been working on that for about a week but I've already got most of it done. Now Jake can't give me shit for not focusing on one song. He's gonna want to play master of puppets today more than likely so I need to get shred ready.

peace. 

wow again why do I bother....

These last couple weeks have sucked for a number of reasons and it's making me increasingly happy to be getting out of the tri cities soon.

As you guys know this Jay thing has been hurtful and I only wish I hadn't spent so much time this summer wondering about it because he didn't give me a solid answer until today on why he stopped talking to me suddenly. Basically he said that I'm not what he's looking for because I need to learn to "invest in myself" and that I seem too eager to "invest in someone else." He also said I seem too nervous (which I can admit, I was nervous to spend time with him, but fuck I hadn't spent time with any guy that I liked in months...!) Basically stating he's looking for a more independent, I guess "Brave" girl and I am not what he's looking for. Stab, stab, stab. 

For the past three years all I've done is try to improve myself and focus solely on myself because that's what I've had to do because I've been alone and wanted to distract my mind as much as possible. Jay is one the few guys I've been interested in so of course when we're together I'm going to ask him questions about his life and stuff... Who knows, maybe I should have been more open to him about what I was doing.

..But honestly most of my spare time when I'm not working or studying for school is spent playing the guitar. I am in college and even know the career path I'm going to take. I'm 21 years old, I'd like to think I'm doing much better than most people my age.

It's just sickening because I feel again that his impression of me is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it... Also makes me feel stupid that in the back of my mind for two weeks I thought those flowers were from Jay and therefore felt unable to open up to Zach and pretty much blew my chances of spending time with him.


I just feel really alone lately.

I'll write something more cheerful tomorrow, I just had to get that out. Don't work tomorrow until 6 pm so I'm going to practice a lot and enjoy every minute of it.

peace. 

Wired as Hell.

Man I've been so ADD about my practice habits lately... like I just want to learn everything and keep finding new songs that I want to play. For lessons sake I've decided to learn Master of Puppets because it's going to allow Jake and I to work very well together. He knows every measure of that song and will be a lot more effective at teaching it than Anastasia, even if I still love the guitar part in that and want to learn it. Slash might actually be a little too difficult for me right now.... I relistened to that song and it sounds like a massive challenge. Of course Master of Puppets will be too, but I've grown more and more used to Kirk Hammit's style so it will probably be easier to learn than Anastasia.

Here's a picture of Kirk Hammett when he was about my age-- maybe a little younger. 

It's funny to listen to some of Metallica's interviews because Hetfield says that during their first important performances and even subsequent performances for years to come their minds were more set on "Don't mess up, don't mess up...." than the actual music (which I can totally relate too with my recent recitals) and now that they are more experienced musicians today they can fully enjoy it without the stress of messing up. 

It takes years and years of intensive practice to get to this point. I don't have any long term goals of trying to be some famous musician because that's a pipe dream. I just want to get good enough to experience the complete euphoria of having THAT degree of freedom and clarity while playing... The kind Luke Jaeger has, John Petrucci, Steve Vai, Joe Satrianni, Dimebag, etc etc etc....

Speaking of Luke, he's moving back to San Diego. I don't know if Jake and him ever talked again about coming to the tri cities to do a pro lesson but he's been in California. If he comes to the tri cities when I'm in ellensburg out of the blue and gives a lesson to jake's other students I'd be so pissed.... lmfao. 

Okay enough guitar bullshit for now.. I know some of you that read this blog don't care about any of that.

I've been trying to make progress on my roommate search... though unsuccessfully thus far, and hope that my two ads-- both the index card one and the online ad, will get me a few calls and then I'll pick who
I want to live with next year. The girl I tried texting yesterday didn't get back to me and I haven't really gone through the ads on the page today but should. 

School starts on the 25th... I move out on the 22nd. That's abouuuut... 2 weeks before I'm out of here. Wow the end is definitely in sight. My Mom mentioned this morning that it was hard to believe that our birthdays are coming up again and I'm going to be turning 22. Dun dun dun.... 

Haven't thought about what I want for my birthday yet... A new guitar that I can actually tune without having that stupid locked bridge would be nice. I've really wanted to play some coheed and cambria but half of their songs are tuned down. I realize that Keeping Secrets Silent Earth is actually in Standard though so I'm chugging this energy drink and gonna have a blast learning this tonight. 

peace. 

To be the hero is all I ask.....

I've loved this song for years.... Literally I remember listening to this album back in 2008 in highschool when I'd have to run for miles on end at soccer practice. I adore Coheed and Cambria and always will. This will be soo fun to learn too. Like I said, ADD I've got stacks of paper everywhere and it annoys the shit out of Jake. He says I need to get a box to file everything in and I totally agree with him.. I just haven't gotten around to doing it cause I'm too damn lazy. 

alone on another stormy night

This evening while driving to guitar lessons I witnessed an awesome thunder storm, we've been getting a lot of those lately. That coupled with the 80 degree weather and metal blaring from my Mom's mini van speakers made for a very memorable drive for some reason.

I did some searching for a roommate on the cwu website today and realized I need to repost an ad. I did find one really cute girl that seems to like Japanese-y things (she's white) and actually knows Reina.. anyway I texted her but haven't gotten a response yet. I hope she does get back to me. If she is studying Japanese I'd enjoy having someone to practice with. Again very wishful thinking....

I just want a roommate who isn't a mute. I'd love a sort of geeky artist type of girl.

Ozzy Osbourne's still got it. Heard one of his new songs on the radio today and it blew my mind. I wish I could post it but I didn't write down and lyrics to find it. Hate when that happens! ha ha

The Pain in the Grass concert is tomorrow. Coheed and Cambria, Alice and Chains, Volbeat, Janes Addiction.... Even freaking Baroness is going to be there. Wouldn't mind seeing them! Alice in Chains is one of my favorite bands though, and knowing that they're playing on Saturday at the gorge just makes me feel like ughhhh I'm wasting my liiiiife..... 

...Ha ha, okay WAY over dramatization. I probably sound super spoiled. I just feel sad when I hear advertisements for them because I really do want to go but rarely have the time or funds... or in this summer's case I really don't know who I'd go with. I really want to meet someone someday that likes to actually go to shows and camp out for the weekend and fun stuff like that.

and then I woke up.

peace. 

Hey don't you wanna go down

Morning everyone..

Technically afternoon in 6 minutes. I've already logged an hour of practice time but it was while watching Intervention simultaneously. I realize now that in order to become more effective in my practicing I must cut out other distractions like my shows. Distractions decrease the utility of my time significantly because my brain is only half paying attention to the music... And even if I'm still practicing and looking at the music my mind is still more preoccupied with what's being said on the show.

This is Michael, a rage addict featured on the show Intervention season 1. 

Yesterday I did happen across a pretty interesting episode though. Michael is 22 years old and is classified by his father as a "rageaholic." Michael has had anger issues his entire life, his brother even stated that he'd hit a classmate with a music stand in the 7th grade (after his parents had divorced when he was 12). He's basically beat the Hell out of his family his entire life. His mother was asked to not participate in the documentary at all which makes me think there was some major abuse when he lived with her after the divorce. 

In the interviews his brother describes how he had been beaten unconscious and his father with a 6-foot park bench. 

I had never heard of rageaholism before this episode.. I guess aside from people that I've met in my life that have told me they had "anger problems" that they have overcome in the past. My Dad's always had a bad temper but he's nowhere near a rageaholic. From what I've been told a very close friend of mine used to have a lot of anger problems and used to treat people pretty mean which I can believe..... no offense. 

Finally got a video up of my playing... it's taken months to get the courage to do this but after I was able to work up to 100% speed after thorough practice this last week I made sure to log this accomplishment. It kind of helped me get over the feeling of doubt about my choice for the concert too so that was good. Today I'm going to play master of puppets and the day that never comes while my Mom and sister are in town.

I've got to work today at 6' which pretty much sucks d*&k.... I'm so tired of that effing place, this is technically my fifth shift in a row. At least it's from 6-close, those are usually my easiest shifts. To top it off it's a Wednesday and like yesterday there's not very many big sales going on in the kids department so I'm safe from the crowds of this last labor day weekend nonsense. From what I've heard it won't get that busy again until December. who knows if I'll even still be working there. I could technically put in my two weeks now because I dread the place but I think once I move back up to school it'll be okay. Like knowing I've got that tiny form of income and sort of an obligation to come home and recoup could be nice... or not what I want at all.

I'm getting really excited to move back to Central, that I know for sure. I still don't have a roommate. I still just want to sit around and practice all day before work and not find one... shiiiit. The next two days I have off work so there's no reason I shouldn't do everything I can the next couple days. Besides I've got nothing planned.

I can promise you 
You'll stay as beautiful 
With dark hair 
And soft skin...forever 
Forever 

Make up your mind 
Make up your mind

It's weird not having Katelynn in my life anymore because admittedly I have not really "gone out" and gotten drunk or anything since we've stopped being friends. I don't see myself going to bars anytime soon, especially now that the only person I'm really hanging out with is Zach and he's 20.

Nobody ever claimed those roses.... I don't understand what the point of that was. Here I am trying to get over someone, starting to like another guy when those roses got thrown in the mixture and has made my current state of mind much more isolated emotionally. Zach is really cute and he's a good guy and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him....

It's not fair that Zach and I have so much in common and I do like him but I've still felt unresolved about this Jay situation, especially after I got those flowers and I'd sort of suspected they were from him after I'd eliminated some names off a list. I've eliminated this list to thinking A) they are from him or B) someone that was trying to f*&k with my head and make it look like they were from him (because that's who I'd liked at the time) because they hate me...... lmfao.

I have no reason to not spend time with Zach and see where this goes. Me and Zach actually have way more in common... like we're both kind of nerdy and he appreciates a lot of the same music that I do (He had a period in highschool that he was listening to a lot of metal so he's knowledgeable and appreciates my guitar playing a lot.) He has emotions and I feel like he really listening when I'm talking to him.

But there's still something about Jay that I've always been really attracted too. I just find him interesting, sexy, intelligent, strong, resourceful.... But these are all qualities that I've perceived, which may or may not be the case. My logic is bias for him obviously and is more patient than what my Mom is saying and that's to drop it because we haven't talked in a month. I know that she's right.

 But because the case of the flowers and why Jay completely dropped contact remains unsolved I continue to sort of wonder what the Hell and why. I figure if Jay did want to do something he would have done it by now and changed his mind. 

peace. 

It holds you, so hold me

And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

Yesterday I had my second recital, which was somewhat different than the first one I'd performed in. It was definitely more brief because there were less performances which worked in my favor because I had to make it to work on time. Had it been my day off I would have liked it to be a little longer.

I was disappointed to have not seen Jacob's band's singer there. Next recital is around Christmas and I'm hoping to play either Anastasia or Master of Puppets. I say Master of Puppets because Jake already knows how to play it and I'm sure Ryan and Jeff do too. Christmas concert I could shred that shit... lol.

So yeah each recital has been like a new start for me. I feel like it's a clean slate to new opportunities to expand my skill and knowledge on the guitar.

Invention went fine... I did it by memory because I'd had some trouble with  my clipboard and switching pages so I sort of gunned through the second half. According to my mom it didn't sound like there was a noticeable amount of missed notes in the second half and that it sounded the most technically challenging.  So yeah I feel satisfied with it, but also kind of happy that it's off my shoulders.

Still no word from whoever gave me the flowers..... My mom at this point is like "What the f**k?" but I'm like "Give it time...." The reason I say this is because if it is the person I suspect it is he might have some plan and likes the process of formulating it and if I talk to him it'll probably blow it. Yet at the same time there's still the chance that it's not him and could be someone totally out of left field that really admires me from afar and I don't realize it.

....Which some part of me still thinks is more likely than the person I'm thinking of going out and buying me $70 fucking flowers. Over the past year I feel like my relationships with men have been mysteries like this.

I've got work today at 2. Feeling like going back to  bed right now but I'm going to drink more coffee and power through it.

peace.