Hot buttered rum

Afternoon everyone.

My Dad seems to be on some pissed off rampage and keeps yelling the f word. Earlier today he came in and started going off about the car costing such-and-such amount to fix and he "doesn't know what we're going to do!!!" and that he keeps having to "$hit money" for everyone. Granted yes not having my car has been a pain in the ass for everyone but because my mom hasn't been working I've been able to use her van these past couple weeks. 

Last night I went over to Tyler D.'s place and hung out with him, Logan, Logan's girlfriend (and Tyler's sister) Julie, Julie's best friend and Tyler's mom. It was a really chill, enjoyable time.

Julie (right) and her best friend that was there last night (left). 

They both have pretty outspoken, outgoing personalities and the more we drank the more Logan, Julie and her friend were bouncing off eachother's jokes and Tyler and I were comparably quiet. Regardless it was a great time, last night I tried "hot buttered rum" which is basically a product that looks like cannabutter that you mix with a hot cup of rum and it gives the rum a creamier, smoother texture similar to coffee. 

So let me back up of how I got to Tyler's house in the first place...

As you guys know I've had the past couple days off. Tyler and I had wanted to go see Five Finger Death Punch this summer and realizing I'm not moving out until the 24th makes me realize the only thing between me and seeing that show is $47. To be honest Tyler could care less about FFDP's new music... and I can only name a few songs by them from memory-- though I'm sure I hear more of them on 97 rock then I realize.

Damn I want to go.... I'd of course also want to buy a t-shirt to have as an addition to my quilt... there goes another $25. . .  With my mom without a job right now, my car messed up, my Dad under stress, having to pay Jacob for the end of September, and me wanting to have more than $500 to start the year off with, I just don't see it happening. 

We'll see, I still have 6 days and I'm undecided. 

Tyler and I went to the mall yesterday and I picked up my paycheck, we drove over to Music machine where I dropped my instrument off to get re-set and strung, and got some lunch at red robin. It was a really nice afternoon and I got some stuff done that I needed to do but haven't been able to get into town. We did also wander around the mall a little bit. I bought my first day of school shirt at Hot Topic.... ha ha ha.

Alright you guys I'll talk to you later. 

peace. 

Weeding through garbage to find the right match, etc..

Hello friends, enemies, whoever is reading this.

I am excited for work today. Why? Because today marks 20 more days! This is my third to last Thursday shift. To make things more interesting, I will really try to work to my fullest extent the next nine days to really leave with a bang so it's good if I need to use them as a reference. Eh, it probably won't make a difference in the long run anyway, I've just got to keep the next nine shifts interesting or the next twenty days will feel longer then it already is.

I just need to think of the Tea Girl, and my Noh mask, and all my other strange symbols that have helped me get through the last few months of being extremely burnt out with my job.

Hard to believe it's been a year! The country fair is in town and lots of people are going to be at the rodeo tonight. I just remember that this time last year I was hanging out with Lindy, Mitch, Tyler and occasionally Samantha and Shawn. We went to the fair on a double date type deal, when really it felt a little silly for me to be walking around with Tyler. I mean don't get me wrong, Tyler is a nice guy, but he's younger than me and he's really not what I was looking for in a boyfriend. At that time, though, there was really nobody that I had met... my circumstances were the same as they are now, but at least now the end is in sight and there will be more opportunities to meet people once I get out of here.

Because really here my efforts on meeting anyone have been futile. I really did give up about six months ago and since then I've had random little flames here and there-- like I'll find someone attractive but I'll never actually commit to a relationship with them unless they meet my real standards. I don't hold too high of standards, I'd really like a guy to be intelligent, attractive, presentable, funny. Those are the four standards that I hold highest. A guy with no sense of humor is no fun to be around at all. I can't be with someone that's stupid or very unattractive. But if they're somewhat different looking the other three traits can easily make up for it and make someone more attractive to me.

It just never happened here. I feel like I've never really been close with anyone. The longest relationship I ever had was with Chino which was back when I was 15 (six months), it's been so long that it almost seems silly to talk about it. Ever since then the amount of time my relationships lasted got shorter and shorter until they evaporated into dealing with guys that only want to hook up and you basically have to wait and wait until it's convenient for them to talk to you.

On the New Year I decided I wasn't going to put up with any more shit and pledged that I wouldn't get close to any guy until I was out of the Tri cities. This actually lasted awhile until me and Connor A. started talking again (Connor being my ex boyfriend from when I was 16). I didn't want to be in a relationship with Connor again but it was really comfortable to be around him because I didn't feel like he was going to use or hurt me in any way so I openned up to him a little bit.

We had a few good visits together and he's really the only one I recall having any feelings toward in 2012. My feelings for him are sort of like "Love," but not in a "I love you" way, but more of a reminiscent connection that I will always have with him. When me and Connor spent time together it made me more forgiving of that time in my life, being 16 and a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster. Me and Connor always clicked really well, and I look back on our relationship as one of my fondest memories from my teens.

I doubt we'll ever spend time together again, he's very wrapped up in his own business as I am with mine. No way of telling if we'll cross paths but I'll always consider him a friend to me.

Things have changed a lot since that time, I'm sure when that guy does come around that I'll know. I'm going to have to weed through more garbage before that time comes, I'm sure, but with the amount of knowledge that I've gained from being emotionally isolated this long there's not much that can penetrate my shield that I've  built unless it really is the right person for me. I'm no longer going to put up with guys that want to hook up with as many girls as they can and still talk to a girl they're interested in emotionally on the side. It's a huge red flag and it's everywhere lately.

Alright I need to play more guitar. Wish me luck at work, hope it goes fast.

peace.

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things

It's 12:22 AM, Thursday is usually the day of the week I stay up latest.

My evening shift was pretty lame, all the menial activities that I feel sum up to nothing. It's so boring to work day in and day out, and the manager's jobs are not much better. Actually most of their job is looking for stuff for us to do, at least it seems that way. Leslie runs around like she's super busy for eight hours straight and I see her constantly, but my other managers tend to disappear for long spans of time and I have no idea what they're up too. I don't really care.

I'm just happy that my shifts worked out for me the way that they did. I've never had to work with Jay, my manager, for an entire shift. I would absolutely hate to have him breathing down my neck, tensions are always higher when he's around and I am ultra professional. Well, I usually am. A guy said I sounded like an automated phone service today. That's the goal with corporate, "With us, it's personal" gets too personal when the cashiers make friends with every customer that comes in. I recognize some people, many customers enjoy seeing me because those that come in every day see mainly see Claudia. Claudia is Jay's ideal dedicated employee.

She takes her job so freaking seriously. She told me today that she found a $50 bill by the register on the ground by the candy and actually LOGGED it into the register. No comment.

Again, Noh mask. Just gotta get through this. Smile and nod.

There's a song called "Different World" that really spoke to me today.

Don't wanna be here 

Somewhere I'd rather be 
But when I get there 
I'm afraid it's not for me 

That's really it. I don't want to be at Rite Aid today, I'd rather be home playing because that's all I want to do lately. 

Tell me what you can hear 

and then tell me what you see 

everybody has a different way to view the world 

I would like you to know, when you see the simple things 

To appreciate this life, it's not too late to learn 

I need to appreciate the little things of what I'm experiencing here. I have to take things day by day and learn from them. I get frustrated with this job and these people but I will never work at Rite Aid again in my life. I am going to count out how many shifts I have left....

11

Eleven shifts, oh my God! That is so awesome, 11 more shifts cashiering. Ugh, never again. I swear if this guitar gig works out I'll always have a backup plan if I don't have a job. I will never cashier again.

But I still do try and appreciate the little things that I do at my boring day job. I try to be friendly and professional to the customers that come in. I oftentimes get flirted with which is pretty awkward. Like today this guy asked me if I wanted to go to a Kiss concert with him, it was bizarre. 

I talked to Peter Z. for the first time in forever. Occasionally I like to catch up with him just to see what he's been up too. He recently moved to WSU so I'm very excited for him. He had a crazy ride with the rave scene but now he's totally straightened up and ready to go on with his life. I think it's awesome, he's going to do really well. I'm happy he never got sent to prison or anything. I always feel some weird nostalgic connection with him because he was my first childhood crush, ha ha. 

I should probably get to bed so my day isn't completely destroyed tomorrow. Got all my minutes today, that's strange for a Thursday. 

Oh! I'm excited because I'm hanging out with Tyler D. tomorrow for the last time before I leave. We're going to have a lot of fun, he says he's going go come pick me up after work and we're gonna swim at the apartment complex and play video games or something. Should be a good day.

peace. 

My party! A quick overview.

Now that a day has passed and I feel more relaxed and restored, I can talktalktalktalk about everything that's happened. This blog might be broken up into a few entries, but I'll start with writing about my party.

The party had an incredible turnout. Throughout the night I'm pretty sure I got at least 30 people, and only a few people that RSVP'd as coming flaked out. All the people that I really wanted to come showed up though, including Robert, Tyler and Logan which was amazing considering the crowd that was there. Tyler doesn't like crowds much and has never really followed through with plans that I make, but times have changed I suppose!

Speaking of those guys, I got the incredible news that Chelsea and Robert are engaged. It was so funny when they announced it to us because Tyler, Logan and I already knew but we played it off like we didn't. I admit that Chelsea and I weren't necessarily besties in highschool, and I'm sure I said some things about her that weren't favorable to Robert a long time ago, but my opinions of her have changed a lot. She was totally cool at my party, she's really made Robert happy, they love eachother so much and I'm really excited for their wedding next May.

The party started at 8' PM, which means it was pretty light out when people started showing up. I had picked up Taylor M. because she didn't have a ride, then Katelynn and Alan showed up. There wasn't much setting up to do because my Mom had it covered, and my head was still sort of on backwards like it was at graduation. 

On the left is Tim. Jessika had showed up with him, having told him I was interested in a relationship and he came to hang out with me apparently. Jessika and Tim were being very reclusive. Tim had been excited to hang out with Katelynn and Alan as well, but that was cut short when Jessika decided to leave about 20 minutes after getting here to go smoke weed with Tim. She was angry at me and acting really rude to all of my guests and I had no idea why. I ended up texting her about it and she flipped out on me but that story is for another entry.

A picture of me, Logan and Tyler. Robert was originally in this I thought but he ducked out with Chelsea. He probably felt a little awkward and didn't want Chelsea to feel excluded. Chelsea would of been fine in the picture too, though! 

The ki-be drama kids started coming in around 9:30 pm. They certainly made it a party! They all had such a good energy because they were ready to have a good time. I set up the movie in the yard but everyone pretty much talked, hung out and munched the whole time. I was sort of unprepared for food because I was slightly broke. 

Here's me and Taylor. I unexpectedly jumped on his lap to take a picture. Every person that was there I made sure to make a point to tell them that I was glad they were there and made sure to give them a hug at some point in the night. Reason being, I have no idea when I will see any of these people again in my life. Not saying I don't guarantee I'll see Samantha, Shawn and those guys again.. haha I'm going to Sam's house tomorrow more than likely. But people like those in my Japanese class that I never really had much of a close relationship with outside of class, I really don't know. I'm sure I will go to other meet ups and such if there are some, but if not I hope they all have successful and happy lives. 

The Japanese club kids were the first ones to show up at 8:10-8:30 or so. I was happy they were so timely because I always get so worried about if people will show up or not. They hung out on the benches and chit chat for most of the time, so I was concerned they were bored but there was really nothing to worry about. A couple of them messaged me telling how much of a good time they had.

So yup, everything worked out as it should! Can't say I'm going to be having any more parties anytime soon because it's nearly impossible to have a great time at your own party without stressing out and over planning, but it was still an excellent closure to my time at CBC. 

peace. 

Well, this weekend was pretty productive I suppose.

Tyler D. came over last night and we uploaded some games onto my computer. He uploaded over 600 classic video games, they're all really retro 64' games that I can run on with my keyboard. Should be pretty entertaining to mess with one of these days. We had a nice visit. He came over randomly when he had to pick up Julie from a party. He had to sort of sneak in the house because my parents were sleeping. I don't feel Tyler like *that* anymore, and it's funny to think of a time that I did. We're really just good friends now, and ironically of all those guys I talk to him more than anyone. We might be going to see this movie next week with the guy from Borat.

Work today sort of sucked. I am so tired of kissing people's asses all day, but that's retail for you. After this whole weekend of working 20 hours, imagining going to work again on Tuesday is pretty icky. It's okay though, I'm just going to try and relax for tonight and tomorrow. Gotta try to memorize this damn Japanese vocabulary tonight but I really don't want too. I'm just so tired of all of it. I will never regret taking Japanese for as long as I did because I made a lot of friends in the process but God damn I'm ready for it to be over.

I made myself some chicken and boiled potatos. It's bland but healthy and I was so hungry it didn't even matter. I was tempted to have a slice of pizza, which of course my mom and Dad brought home a ton of. There's hardly any actual groceries that can be easily prepared (I'm not saying instant food, but relatively easy things that just require boiling, microwaving or baking. I usually cook for myself once or twice a day, especially when I've got the house to myself. I like to eat food that contains only what I choose to put in it; my own cooking never makes me feel nauseous after I eat it like a lot of other food does. I imagine when I go off to college I'm going to be eating very healthy, but I need to be careful not to starve myself.

Literally, I have a bit of a problem... I'll often go long periods of time throughout the day where I'll barely eat anything. I'll usually graze on healthy snacks, like fruit, boiled veggies, granola, bowls of cereal, etc. I'm not anorexic or anything, but so much food just doesn't look appetizing to me, and it's been like this for awhile now. I don't like eating anything that I think is unhealthy, so if I cave in and eat something that I deem "unhealthy," I'll often take a few bites and throw it away. Like I just caved and ate half a piece of pizza and threw the other half away. Because I know that if I eat the whole piece of pizza I'll feel too full, thus unmotivated to get work and practice done.

So for tonight my goals are (it's 4:00 pm)

-3 hours of guitar

-Write up Japanese flash cards

-Make bed

-Clean kitchen

I'm not going to work out tonight because I was running back and forth today at work the whole time.

Yesterday evening I called Connor because I felt lonely but he didn't pick up, thus making me feel even lonelier. I told him that I'd called to ask to borrow his guitar, but really that's not true.. I just wanted to see him. I just don't want him to think I have any suspicion that I *need* him, because he'll bolt. Fast. And right now he's my.. errm, rock, I guess you could say. He unknowingly keeps me from doing stupid stuff because he's that tiny bit of contact with the opposite sex that I need to keep from making mistakes again. Of course, even if Connor wasn't there, I still wouldn't do anything, but I would get more and more pent up over time and eventually snap and do something stupid. This keeps me align. He respects me, treats me with courtesy for the most part (I mean we joke around, but he never tries to hurt me), and we enjoy spending time together. As I've said before though, all on his time... so I feel like crap when I call him-- which I hardly ever do, last night was a rarity. I had thought about it for about five minutes before I actually did it because I was too afraid too. How very pathetic.

Jessika told me that I find specific excuses that I don't like EVERY guy. This might be true, sort of.. I mean I have ruled out a LOT of guys for one reason or another. But that's just because I don't want to be with someone that's either:

1. A loser. Doesn't drive, has no money, has no car, has no job. You'd be surprised how common this is. I'm fine with just one or even two strikes here if it's a temporary thing, but it seems like lately it's all four! Since when is a guy my age held so highly if he only has ONE of these things?

2. Way, way less attractive than I am. Now, this varies a lot because personality can make a huge difference. Like if a guy has an ego and has his own life going on, I'll find an average looking guy much more attractive than say an even better looking guy that has all these emotional issues and baggage. I don't know what it is, I've always had a thing for cocky guys. Insecurities are very unattractive to me because I've dealt with so many.

3. Unclean. Feeling as if he might have herpes or something because of his history. There's no way to tell for sure of course, but if I know a guy has been with a ton of girls, I will not touch him with a ten foot pole now. I've made mistakes and came out of my partying stage disease free, I do NOT want to get some sketchy ass STD now.

4. Way older than me. I'm talking 25+. I do get older guys that'll try to hit on me once and awhile, and unless they REALLY have their shit together. I can't date someone that's over 25 because I don't want kids for five years at least.

So yeah,  I guess I've got standards.

Here's a picture I took this morning. It's uneditted aside from the contrast. I was pretty ready to work this morning, even though I had a handful of stale goldfish and strawberries for breakfast.  

I'm gonna get going, gonna practice.

peace.



Keep praying, just keep waiting.. 32.

I've got $605 in the bank, and I'd prefer not to go under $500 by my paycheck next Thursday if I can help it. This means things are tight. Really cheap, as always. It probably wasn't nessasary for me to buy that vaporizor and spend 1/3 of my paycheck, but hey, I'm not too stressed about it. I've still got plenty of time to save up the $5,000 by the time I get out of here. Just little by little. I feel that recent splurge will last me a good long time, and it's going to be the only smoking device I'll need. Honestly, though, I've been trying to cut back on smoking period. I promissed myself that I wouldn't smoke this week until Friday. . .

That reminds me, Tyler Davenport invited me to go to a Theory of a Deadman concert with him at the Toyota Center. I intend on going but I'm gonna be honest you guys I can't name one song by them. I am probably gonna have to look up their music online tonight. I don't know if I'm in the current position to go, though, considering that I have so many tests this week, but he's got two tickets and seems to really want to go with me. Haha more than likely he'll flake out so I shouldn't worry about it.

All I know is they play on 97 rock a lot. The singer is pretty hot, though.

I'm so hungry. I'm probably gonna make these copies and go.

Today I have to get finished with some accounting assignments, research Provigil, study my kanji for a couple hours, and do a Visual basic project. OH, and I need to buy Alan a new Alice in Chains CD. First I need to gut my car to see if I can find it. That, and that Helter Skelter book that has been hanging over my head like a dead goose. If I wasn't such a spacy person I wouldn't have to pay for either of these things, but I lost Alan's CD and I lost the library book so that's probably going to be $40 out of my pocket in the long run. The library book can wait though, they've only bugged me about it once.

..But I have no idea where that book is. It could be under my seat, or I could of turned it in already.

Deep thoughts for today? Not really. My mom cut my bangs and I think they look cute. I feel pretty confident with myself today. Depression seems to be coming to a halt for the time being. This always happens at school. I'm almost too busy to be depressed. I guess this is why I love school, and hopefully someday I'll have a good enough career for myself to keep myself preoccupied as well.

I'm gonna go home and try to get as much work done as I can. I need to get started before I get more preoccupied and look down at the clock and it's 7'.

I now know how to play Holy Mountains all the way through, without screwing up, and without looking at tabs. That's pretty good. : ) Songsterr has definately been worth it so far. I started working on the song A.D.D. last night. System of a Down tabs seem to have certain patterns, and difficulty wise I'd say they're a little harder than Rammstein but easier than the Metallica I've tried to learn. Maybe it's harder for me to play Metallica because I don't like their music nearly as much as SOAD. Actually, I'd say I like about 60% of their songs, and the other 40% is annoying shredding.

peace.

Friends can make things amazing. ~5~

I had probably the most kick ass weekend.

But not because I've been pretty consistantly blazed this weekend, being thanksgiving and stressed over finals and all, but for the fact that I saw four of my best friends in the past few days (since friday). I saw Robert on Friday, then I saw Michael on Saturday before work and Katharine after work. Then I saw Katelynn today. It was just awesome to see all of them and catch up about things.

Roberts been good, just working mainly and hanging out with Vicki a lot. Things don't really change with him too frequently. He's going to school too, but he's never as stressed out or even talks about it like I do. I don't think school is that interesting to him, to be honest. Who knows what he'll end up doing. He's pretty happy with Vicki, and he doesn't seem too close to any of the other guys. Surprisingly, me and Tyler have been talking again. Tylers just been hanging out with Logan. Same shit. Logan's actually visiting Tyler from Boise right now.

Michael has just been going to UW, wondering what he's going to do with his life more than anything. He's not sure if he even wants to be a doctor anymore, though if he becomes one I think his parents will be proud of him regardless of his sexuality. I think it must be really hard to be gay and have to come out to your parents, especially when your parents are strict and Chinese... Hell, I should be happy that I'm not a lesbian, I don't think my parents would be particularily accepting either, even if they're democrats and pretty tolerant for the most part. Michael has also been taking 400 level classes, which I'm pretty damn proud of him for. I think it's pretty incredible how hard he works, period.

Katharine has just been getting by, from the way she sounds. Brian and her have been going strong, and she doesn't seem to have nearly as many problems with her living situation now that she has a new roomate. But I think she might feel like she's ready to move onto the next stage of her life-- like into her profession and such. It's hard to believe that she's only a year older than me and she's already ready to grow up and take that step when I'm still just going to cbc and haven't had much of a chance to get out in the world yet. But what's the huge damn rush. I feel like I'm at a good spot for me currently, but I'd rather not stick around here for another year if I can possibly help it. Anyway, Katharine and me talked a little about Dylan too. It sounds like he's really happy over in Florida. Well, seems like everyone thats gotten out of the tri-cities for awhile is having a much better time.

Katelynn has been WAY better than what she was just a couple months ago dealing with her mom and Jon. Allan is doing a really good job helping with the housework at their new apartment. Their apartment is really cute, and Katelynn has really good taste. Like, she's made this little apartment that could potentially be shady really cute and classy. She's so mature and independent. I admire her for it, she's always pretty much had to take care of herself. Like she was telling me today how Allan asked her how she learned how to cook and she just told him that she always had to do it. I'm pretty sure the first person that I live with will be... interested by my cooking?? I mean if he likes Asian food and Mediterranian he's SET. But yeah, honestly you guys I can't even make good nachos. lol maybe cause I don't like nachos at all?

Damn, it's already 10:11. You guys know how much work I have to do. How much I've procrastinated. Oral exams are in 3 days. Hannah's probably getting annoyed with my speaking proficiency. No way. I'm gonna make a change. The second I get done with this blog entry, I'm gonna turn off my computer, turn off this kickass Ween music, and get on with it. Oh my god this song though, it's so amazing. All of it is. I'm so happy Katelynn let me borrow these CDs. It's such feel good music.

Shit, time to get on with it. Why is getting to work so hard? I just want to enjoy my night.... Nope! I've been enjoying my time all damn weekend. Spent too much money. haha

yours
Emily

たのしかた.

I started talking to Jack again. This time it was for four hours last night, as he's coming home for summer break soon. Well, sort of summer break. I guess his is going to be equivilant to mine because he's going to be in school as well. It was really nice talking to him again but I'm not sure if we're going to talk again because I was so ranty on the phone that I think it might of scared him off, hahaha. Seriously I went off on a rant that was 20 minutes long about the stupid Casey Anthony trails because he brought it up and I went nuts on it. Casey Anthony plays in my house all day long! I can't believe that we can talk on the phone for three hours though, that's pretty incredible. I've never talked to anyone for that long.

I feel so strange right now. I just feel weird being here for some reason. Like I want to be home right now but because my stupid car is being a piece of crap I can't. I really hope it starts again when I get home. I don't know why it's suddenly having battery problems again. I have done everything I'm supposed to do to avoid battery drainage. But apparently that's not enough. Maybe it's the tape thing being used WHILE I drive the car that's causing these problems. Who knows. I love my tape thing, but maybe it's time to invest in maybe getting a regular little radio thing that my mp3 player can plug into? I don't know much about cars or any accessories but SOMETHING that I can use to plug in my mp3 player but not drain my battery.

I made up with Tyler Davenport... almost about a year and a half since we'd last spoke (we stopped talking in the fall of my senior year). And the ironic thing is, when we sat down and talked about it, neither one of us could really remember what it was that killed it. We think it was shortly after me and Tyler "made up" in a sense, since we never technically dated but for about 6 months+ played cat and mouse until I couldn't take his dickish attitude anymore and I ended up finding another boyfriend, James Rasmussen. Shortly after this happened, Tyler injured himself skiing and messed up his leg and had to start taking pain medication. According to Tyler THIS is why he was such a dick to everyone (not just me) and started ditching all of his friends. I tried to get ahold of him, but he didn't answer my texts so apparently I just gave up. He went through depression with his leg, and acted like he hated everyone. I had later heard from Robert that Tyler had said that he "never thought I was attractive" and that I was "white," (as in pale as paste white) I got mad and didn't want to even make an attempt to talk to him again.