wow again why do I bother....

These last couple weeks have sucked for a number of reasons and it's making me increasingly happy to be getting out of the tri cities soon.

As you guys know this Jay thing has been hurtful and I only wish I hadn't spent so much time this summer wondering about it because he didn't give me a solid answer until today on why he stopped talking to me suddenly. Basically he said that I'm not what he's looking for because I need to learn to "invest in myself" and that I seem too eager to "invest in someone else." He also said I seem too nervous (which I can admit, I was nervous to spend time with him, but fuck I hadn't spent time with any guy that I liked in months...!) Basically stating he's looking for a more independent, I guess "Brave" girl and I am not what he's looking for. Stab, stab, stab. 

For the past three years all I've done is try to improve myself and focus solely on myself because that's what I've had to do because I've been alone and wanted to distract my mind as much as possible. Jay is one the few guys I've been interested in so of course when we're together I'm going to ask him questions about his life and stuff... Who knows, maybe I should have been more open to him about what I was doing.

..But honestly most of my spare time when I'm not working or studying for school is spent playing the guitar. I am in college and even know the career path I'm going to take. I'm 21 years old, I'd like to think I'm doing much better than most people my age.

It's just sickening because I feel again that his impression of me is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it... Also makes me feel stupid that in the back of my mind for two weeks I thought those flowers were from Jay and therefore felt unable to open up to Zach and pretty much blew my chances of spending time with him.


I just feel really alone lately.

I'll write something more cheerful tomorrow, I just had to get that out. Don't work tomorrow until 6 pm so I'm going to practice a lot and enjoy every minute of it.

peace.