Hmm.. very uneventful first weekend. Not feeling great.

Of course I didn't make any plans really so I only have myself to blame.

Yesterday I talked to Allie briefly about what she was up to that night and she said she was going to a party and her friend from back home is coming. I didn't really ask anything about it but figured she'd hit me up about it later. I ended up meditating and falling asleep yesterday then waking up at like 9 pm.. She hadn't texted me again so I figured I'd just leave it alone because they were probably on their way out the door and I didn't feel like getting ready. Plus she didn't invite me earlier.

My parents came into town yesterday to assist me with my broken car. This week I'm planning on riding my bike to Shaw because the bus is inconvenient and my car likes to die on me in the middle of the road. Of course my Dad called me yesterday telling me I'm going to have to open the hood and "make some adjustments..." Uh okay I thought the mechanic took care of that. My Dad blames me for my car not working too, like it's my fault because I don't get it serviced enough or something....

Terry was asking me in class on Friday what I was up to this weekend but I haven't heard from him so who knows. I'm having a feeling he's out partying or something like most normal people in college. I honestly remember hating weekends last year because I never really did anything and I want to avoid that this year. It's going to take conscious effort for me to open up to people in order to make friends. I really don't feel like I have any friends here right now and I want that to change but I have a tendency to just mind my own business and get wrapped up in my routines.... Then on the weekends feeling isolated like this.

I need to try to understand what it is that prevents me from making friends here.... When my parents come here I always get depressed because they will point out places and I haven't been to any of them. Like I feel like I don't do anything here but eat, sleep, smoke, practice and study. Part of it is laziness because I never put the effort forward to find anything to do here because in my time off I just want to practice guitar. I feel like my interests right now are on tunnel vision so it's hard for me to relate to people that aren't into music... and a lot of people that are into guitar are cold

I lost my ability to communicate with Luke J. which makes me so freaking sad because I really wanted the chance to get to know him... I think I pissed him off because I was being nosey about something he was posting (about a sensitive subject so I should have known) and now when I try to send him a message it "fails to send" which I'm pretty sure is the nice way Facebook's trying to say he's not accepting messages from me.

It's just been a bad day, I just feel super lonely and insecure about where my life is socially and I'd like that to change. Here's to a better day tomorrow.

peace. 

wow again why do I bother....

These last couple weeks have sucked for a number of reasons and it's making me increasingly happy to be getting out of the tri cities soon.

As you guys know this Jay thing has been hurtful and I only wish I hadn't spent so much time this summer wondering about it because he didn't give me a solid answer until today on why he stopped talking to me suddenly. Basically he said that I'm not what he's looking for because I need to learn to "invest in myself" and that I seem too eager to "invest in someone else." He also said I seem too nervous (which I can admit, I was nervous to spend time with him, but fuck I hadn't spent time with any guy that I liked in months...!) Basically stating he's looking for a more independent, I guess "Brave" girl and I am not what he's looking for. Stab, stab, stab. 

For the past three years all I've done is try to improve myself and focus solely on myself because that's what I've had to do because I've been alone and wanted to distract my mind as much as possible. Jay is one the few guys I've been interested in so of course when we're together I'm going to ask him questions about his life and stuff... Who knows, maybe I should have been more open to him about what I was doing.

..But honestly most of my spare time when I'm not working or studying for school is spent playing the guitar. I am in college and even know the career path I'm going to take. I'm 21 years old, I'd like to think I'm doing much better than most people my age.

It's just sickening because I feel again that his impression of me is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it... Also makes me feel stupid that in the back of my mind for two weeks I thought those flowers were from Jay and therefore felt unable to open up to Zach and pretty much blew my chances of spending time with him.


I just feel really alone lately.

I'll write something more cheerful tomorrow, I just had to get that out. Don't work tomorrow until 6 pm so I'm going to practice a lot and enjoy every minute of it.

peace. 

Peace in being alone.

Goodevening to anyone who's reading. It's Sunday.

I've had a pretty slow day. Just watched documentaries, played about an hour of guitar, then spent a few hours messing around on the Sims. It's so time consuming to get anything done on there. I try to keep my "simming" to a minimum because there's much more productive things I could be doing.

I did my laundry today. I wanted fresh towels and all of my clothes for the upcoming week. It's going to be my first week of classes Winter quarter so I've been trying to keep my stress levels at a minimum. In order to do so I had to cut things off with Brendan, which was difficult for me but over time I've come to realize we're on different playing fields in some ways.

Brendan's really mature and stable in his life. He's an extremely giving person and only wanted the best for me. He took me out on dates, we talked a lot.. everything was fine. He's just looking for something more serious than what I can even think of providing for anyone in the next couple years. That is, unless I'm completely 100% sure on someone. That hasn't come yet. I would rather not waste anyone's time in such a crucial part of our lives.

I still have feelings for someone that will unfortunately never cease until I find someone who I like *more* than said person. I've just sort of grown to accept that, I can't help it. This person frustrates the f*** out of me. That's all I'm going to say.

I really enjoy the unpredictability of being in school again. It's my new years resolution to stop being so pessimistic about living here. It's also to start incorporating prayer and meditation into my daily life to calm some of this anxiety that I deal with. I've got to learn to deal with my anxiety on my own. It's so easy to want to cling to someone when you feel alone and scared.

I feel like a good amount of my first quarter here was spent feeling very alone-- things are going to get a lot better though.

Here's a blast from the past. Ha ha, I remember loving the English Shin chan cartoons when I was like sixteen. 

I wonder if I will ever go to Japan. I've been a lot more focused on Korea lately. I would like to someday see both Koreas, Japan, and China. Traveling is pretty important to me even if I've never been outside this side of the United States. I suppose that's one of my incentives for going to college, to be able to afford to travel someday. 

It's 6:00. I am going to try and work on finite math for the next hour or so and try to better understand it.

peace. 

If people would just stop reminding me of this...

It's 12:04 pm. This time a few years back I'd barely be out of bed by now.

Well, if it was the weekend a few years back... Yeah, lets just say there was a time that on the weekends or during the summer I'd get in this routine of not getting out of bed until 1 pm because I was up the previous night until 1 or 2 am. This is a very bad habit that I choose not to do anymore, and it's benefit me a lot. For instance, I no longer have much acne. I don't know if it was mainly due to the Differin or the fact that I've stopped staying up late. A combination of the two has helped, we'll say.

Thus far today I've played guitar for 110 minutes, almost a couple hours. I'm getting better at time management with this. It doesn't seem hard to take a solid three hours out of your day but it is, it makes you feel very shut out. Facebook and Japanese class really do keep me somewhat sane socially, though. That and work. That creepy older Mexican guy has been coming into Rite Aid a lot and bothering me with his almost obsessive loitering. I didn't see Josh K. at all yesterday. I'd sort of forgotten about him until one of my managers mentioned him "checking you out." I don't know if that's true or not, or if she just heard from Tammy or Jodi that I liked him and they pointed him out when he came in.

It makes me sad and sort of irritated that they all know about him. I wish I hadn't told anyone in the first place because now it makes me twice as sad when he comes in. He's got NO interest in seeing me outside of work, he's got his own thing going on.. he's dirtbiking, hanging out with his friends, being a 22 year old guy. And I don't blame him.

If it gives you an idea of how much of a lost cause Josh Kilgore would be to pursue, here's a picture of his default on facebook. His most recent status was that he doesn't want to leave the bar but he has to for "work and sutff."

That's okay though, it's perfectly normal for him to want to go out and party, have fun with his friends, etc etc.. Especially after what he told me. Josh wants to have kids here in a couple years. That surprised me a lot to hear when we spent a little time together, because most guys don't just up and say that, but it's pretty normal. I mean just look at Zach March, Jyle, Jaye Crow, these guys that I've had contact with and have pursued me at one time or another that all have babies and have MAJOR responsibilities now.

That being said, if Josh was being honest there, I don't blame him at all! When you have a kid your life becomes their life, and if you're not ready to make the commitment yet you'll end up going behind your wife's back and probably causing the child a ton of grief. He's doing himself a favor, and then when he decides he does want a baby he'll be ready to settle down for it. I don't think he's going to be going to college or anything anytime soon, and if he does it'll be CBC.. which of course I'm done with. I probably make him feel sort of intimidated.

I know I make Connor feel sort of intimidated. He's the only guy I've been spending any time with off and on, and we've hung out a few times in the past four or five weeks. Connor on the other hand probably has ZERO intention of kids anytime soon, but he's sort of in the same boat Josh is in. He wants to have fun, fuck around, not be tyed down to some girl. It's not that I'd be trying to tye down Josh or Connor or anybody.

 I'd just be nice to spend time with a guy that cares about me that I'm semi attracted too, I really don't think that's too much to ask. But it doesn't ever seem to happen. I don't think it's because I'm not attractive or anything, but ever since I've gotten over my depression I've been so scared to give any guy ANY of my feelings because I don't want to get back where I started. Believe me, I'd LIKE to have someone to talk too when I just feel like talking, or someone to spend time with during some of these many, many, many hours I spend playing this instrument to ease some of the pain I experience from loneliness.

But it only happens when I'm alone, which is when I'll try listening to some Dream Theater or Metallica, something about the pain love brings. I jam, smoke weed, watch documentaries about war and lives that are worse then mine. It numbs the pain and makes me feel normal, and very humbled. Happy about my life and everything I have. I have friends, I have people to talk too. I feel like with everything I have I shouldn't need a man at all, which I DON'T. And I know this very well, but I can't help when there's something inside me that occasionally yells at me "HEY!! WHY ARE YOU SO ALONE. YOU'RE 20 YEARS OLD, YOU'RE HOT, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM??" At least it's gone from my mind saying "You're worthless, you'll never be with anyone." I really don't feel that way anymore, but it's hard to think otherwise when nothing has proved any different. At this point it seems to need a fucking miracle.

Today has really been a good day so far though. I did a load of laundry and washed the dishes. I think I look really nice today. As for guitar progress, I am getting the hang of the distortion part of cemetary gates. I'm going shopping with my sister, buying some clothes. I want to get my nails done so that they have music notes on them. I tried doing it myself but it looked like shit (haha of course, I never said I was good at manicures!).

I'm going to play my guitar some more and hopefully get another hour in before we leave. We're not leaving until Denae leaves the school, goes home and gets ready so that'll be plenty of time for me! I'll hang in there, everything's fine. I think it's normal for me to feel the way that I do. This hopelessness has sort of allowed me learn to cope otherwise.

peace. 

I give myself to you from the essence of my being. 38.

Last night was full of weird dreams.

Ones that I couldn't tell you in full detail because I didn't get straight up to write when I had it.

 The dreams were about rejection, being alone, and having a baby.

There were brief cutaways of being at parties. I was there with some other girls that I can't remember, but none of us were really a part of it. Like there were a bunch of people there having a good  time but we were kind of sitting out. I remember that someone I was really interested in was there but he clearly had no interest in me what-so-ever. Because of this, I wanted to leave, yet his friends kept on talking to me like, explaining what this guy was doing. It just made me sick about it.

After  being rejected by this guy I acted angry and rude toward Sean McIntyre and some other people from my Japanese class for some reason, you know people I see on a regular basis. It was like, for some reason Sean was at my kitchen table with his new girlfriend who "likes to play Warcraft" and for no reason I told her she looked like a slut, shortly after appologizing because I told her I thought she was someone else. I would never in my right mind straight out call a girl a slut unless she had REALLY wronged me.

Note: I *did* like Sean quite a bit in the past, actually around this time last year. I ended up rejecting him in the long run though, in the craziest sense possible. I should of just been honest with him and told him how awkward it would be to be in Japanese together for the next year if we were dating. It would be like a show for everyone in there. Ugh. Yeah, it took quite awhile for me and Sean to enjoy eachother's company again.

Back to the dream. I remember having a baby girl, and not taking care of her very well. Like she was clean and fed and everything but I probably wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. It was like I was resentful toward it. Well, I was *alone* in this dream, so obviously whoever knocked me up with it was out of the picture. I remember the baby was tucked in on my own bed when I came in and wondered why she didn't have a crib of her own. Could this have some significance? She started crying at the top of her lungs when I came in and uncovered her. But note, she was FINE this entire time. Like she was fed and clean, but I wasn't really giving her any love. The whole picture just looked like I wasn't ready for this and wished I still had my own life. I was also angry at whoever the father was because I was alone to take care of her.

That's all I remember of my ongoing dream last night. I don't remember any specific details, but the dream kept on coming back as I fell in and out of sleep because of coughing attacks. Vivid dreams like this are typically attributed by medicine, and last night I took some perscription grade cough medicine. I wasn't particularily sad or feeling anything about this subject last night. Actually, I remember thinking how happy I felt with all of the friends I've been making lately and how well, not lonely I've been.

I guess my subconcious wanted to remind me of that void in my life. Again. I don't think I'm crazy, and I try to repress this as much as I can because it really is the only thing I can do. This is probably going to be another year of being "alone," which is especially likely because I have a set time that I'm leaving and no guys that are my age that even want a girlfriend want something that is almost guarenteed to only have the possibility of lasting until I leave. But why do people insist on looking that far ahead? Why can't they just live in the moment? ...Not that I'm one to talk about "living in the moment." I study for three hours a day just to hopefully seal a successful, comfortable future for myself, and someday I hope I can look back and thank myself for all the hard work I've put in. Because of this I strive for perfection and look WAY more to the future than I probably should.

I feel like looking up the meanings to some of the main objects of my dream.

Custosy of http://dreammoods.com/



Baby Clothes. In the dream I remember seeing my baby's clothes that needed to be changed.

To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown.

This is so true! I have been growing a lot as a person. I've become a lot more secure with myself, more social, and I don't let nearly as many things and anxieties bother me anymore. I feel that I've become more self aware of how frantic I tend to act. I've also been trying to become more cafeful of anger flareups and becoming a better listener. Because I've realized, nobody really wants to hear me blather on about myself. They want to talk about themselves. This is why I have this blog.

Baby. To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you find a baby in your dream, then it suggests that you have acknowledged your hidden potential.

This is pretty true too. I have become a lot more secure with myself, and I'm no longer that afraid of what people think of me or humiliated about the past. That chapter of my life is over and with this new year I'm moving forward. But at the same time I was sort of mistreating that baby, as if symbolically I'm afraid of facing these new changes and something inside me is still scared and vulnerable.

To dream of a crying baby symbolizes a part of yourself that is deprived of attention and needs to be nurtured.

Well, this is obvious.

It's time to get going with my day.

Today's Friday which means I'm going to hopefully get some work done and play a lot of guitar. Other than that I don't have plans. I'd really like to get my hair dyed black, which was inspired by this picture that I saw on Suicide girls. I really think I could rock it. I feel it's time to stop worrying about what my mom and sister think and try something new.

I haven't talked to or seen Katelynn in a couple weeks now. It's weird, she completely flaked on Wednesday and didn't give me any heads up why she didn't end up coming over. I think it'd be a good gesture to bring over Alan's replacement CD today. Yeah, maybe it's a good idea to just go into town. I've got some errands to do. If anything, I could buy that hairdye at Sally's. Brad says he doesn't think it would look good on me, and immediately he's making me doubt it.

My biggest fear with dying my hair black is my mom saying "UR TRYING TO LOOK AZN!!!" or some stupid shit that she likes to say. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ASIAN, but this gives my mom ammunition to think that I do if I were to do this.

I just randomly started crying out of nowhere. I don't understand why this happens to me, everything is FINE. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I HAVE A TON OF FRIENDS. I'M DOING WELL IN SCHOOL. I hate depression, so much, I just gotta keep fighting.

peace.