wow again why do I bother....

These last couple weeks have sucked for a number of reasons and it's making me increasingly happy to be getting out of the tri cities soon.

As you guys know this Jay thing has been hurtful and I only wish I hadn't spent so much time this summer wondering about it because he didn't give me a solid answer until today on why he stopped talking to me suddenly. Basically he said that I'm not what he's looking for because I need to learn to "invest in myself" and that I seem too eager to "invest in someone else." He also said I seem too nervous (which I can admit, I was nervous to spend time with him, but fuck I hadn't spent time with any guy that I liked in months...!) Basically stating he's looking for a more independent, I guess "Brave" girl and I am not what he's looking for. Stab, stab, stab. 

For the past three years all I've done is try to improve myself and focus solely on myself because that's what I've had to do because I've been alone and wanted to distract my mind as much as possible. Jay is one the few guys I've been interested in so of course when we're together I'm going to ask him questions about his life and stuff... Who knows, maybe I should have been more open to him about what I was doing.

..But honestly most of my spare time when I'm not working or studying for school is spent playing the guitar. I am in college and even know the career path I'm going to take. I'm 21 years old, I'd like to think I'm doing much better than most people my age.

It's just sickening because I feel again that his impression of me is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it... Also makes me feel stupid that in the back of my mind for two weeks I thought those flowers were from Jay and therefore felt unable to open up to Zach and pretty much blew my chances of spending time with him.


I just feel really alone lately.

I'll write something more cheerful tomorrow, I just had to get that out. Don't work tomorrow until 6 pm so I'm going to practice a lot and enjoy every minute of it.

peace. 

Series of some unfortunate events

Will I someday just wake up a lesbian?

Probably not. But the more I've been let down in the past the more withdrawn I've become. It's beginning to feel like there's really no chance for me for this to change, even though life is long and that's a silly thing to say. I know that eventually the pieces will fall into place and I live every minute of every day for me and nobody else. My life revolves around personal growth and improvement, whether it be in my intelligence or musically. I feel enlightened and grounded enough that little really gets to me, even when it comes to love which can be such a roller coaster of emotions..

Of course I'm not saying that I "love" Jay, or anyone else for that matter in that way... This is just solely about being able to spend time with someone that I have feelings for and talk to them occasionally. Kind of feel like someone is there. Nope, that's too much apparently. I'm almost positive now that Jay has lost interest and no longer wants to spend time together. I've tried to get ahold of him via text for the past couple days just kind of asking what's up but he won't even answer. God it hurts, I hate it. 

And the thing is I did nothing wrong this time... I haven't pressured him or said anything weird. I've been nice... I've just been myself. The older I get the more I've gotten to know myself and know how much I'm worth and I just really want to share that with someone that I consider on my level and it's just never happened. 

Last I heard from Jay he was hanging out with Sheridan M. I sent him a text like "Okay soo we haven't talked in 4 days and you're hanging out with a girl..." And he acted like I was getting on his case. I mentioned this to Kayla W. at the party I'd gone to the other night and she's like "Wait isn't Sheridan a lesbian?" And I said "I don't think so anymore."

Honestly she looks better than she ever has, and I could imagine her liking to do (....and being good at) a lot of the things that I could see Jay doing like shooting paintball guns and roughing it in the woods or something. And though I can't say I know why Jay is not talking to me anymore, but I can say that I wish the last thing he had told me wasn't that he was with some other girl and that I was acting irrational about it. 

I just feel a little sick about this... of course it's Sunday, my day off... which I'm spending alone in my room again. Katelynn and I have been kind of distant lately. My mom got fired from her job. My uncle Robert died yesterday. I just am feeling a whole mix of things that are making me depressed right now.... I took a Xanex that I found and it makes you feel supppper drowsy. I'm glad I wasn't prescribed this for my anxiety.

It's been kind of hard to part with these band t-shirts but better on a blanket than in a box

Planning on having an enjoyable rest of my evening by practicing, sewing the Metallica patch onto my blanket. Ha ha I've been quilting lately to relieve stress. 

peace.

This is karma. It is not my turn.

I'm having a difficult night.

I guess you could say I felt lonely all day. I got done with two tests, both of which I'm sure I aced and was feeling pretty excited about that but I wasn't really thrilled about having the rest of the day with no plans of doing anything. I felt a sort of sad sense of longing. I hate that feeling.

I talked on the phone with Katelynn for two hours. She's having kind of a rough patch right now because she has not been able to find a job, doesn't have internet access, and is feeling like she needs to get out. I know the feeling. I feel like I need to get out more too, but usually I'm too tired from all the study I do.. that and I don't know where to go or who to go with half the time. I just sort of go where I feel there's a purpose to be accomplished... I go out when I need something.

Tonight I felt like I needed something that I can't have.

I texted Jack, who had texted me around the 1st saying he wanted to start spending time together. Having been with Brendan at the time I said no, but after that didn't work out... yeah. I had tried texting him the other day and his responses were extremely slow. Figured I'd try one more time today, I just said "Hey, what's up?" and he didn't reply. Two hours later, I'm like, okay, seriously what the Hell, you initiated my attention a little over a week ago, now you're blowing me off. He tells me he's now seeing someone else.

This is karma. Right here. This is fate. Right now I am feeling loneliness and pain. Perhaps I caused Brendan the same feelings when I broke things off to deal with my feelings for Jack and now this.

God is fair. Everything happens for a reason. Me and Jack aren't meant to be together, but for some reason my feelings for him have withstood for years, and years.. because I've yet to find anyone that I'm more attracted too. And it doesn't help that every few months he texts me out of the blue like we're going to start spending time together and it goes nowhere. Or this happens, he finds another girl he's interested in directly after talking to me. This has been going on for years. I'm so tired of it, it hasn't been my choice to feel this way but it's something I've had to deal with because of it.

The fact that he's with someone else will make it a lot easier to put thoughts of him away for good, now. I hope he's happy. Really, I've just got to move on. It's just hard. Yang Haiying said in one of my favorite videos about love and confidence that if it doesn't work out to move on, because that is karma, and to accept it.

For this reason I've accepted everything that's happened to this point in my life as being perfect in getting me where I am today. God has someone wonderful in store for me, I just have to accept that it is not my turn. Maybe I have more work to do to deserve that person. Jack is not that person. I cannot change how he feels. There is nothing I can do but pray for peace in my life, do the best I can to be a good person, and feel content with each day as it is.

peace.