Hmm.. very uneventful first weekend. Not feeling great.

Of course I didn't make any plans really so I only have myself to blame.

Yesterday I talked to Allie briefly about what she was up to that night and she said she was going to a party and her friend from back home is coming. I didn't really ask anything about it but figured she'd hit me up about it later. I ended up meditating and falling asleep yesterday then waking up at like 9 pm.. She hadn't texted me again so I figured I'd just leave it alone because they were probably on their way out the door and I didn't feel like getting ready. Plus she didn't invite me earlier.

My parents came into town yesterday to assist me with my broken car. This week I'm planning on riding my bike to Shaw because the bus is inconvenient and my car likes to die on me in the middle of the road. Of course my Dad called me yesterday telling me I'm going to have to open the hood and "make some adjustments..." Uh okay I thought the mechanic took care of that. My Dad blames me for my car not working too, like it's my fault because I don't get it serviced enough or something....

Terry was asking me in class on Friday what I was up to this weekend but I haven't heard from him so who knows. I'm having a feeling he's out partying or something like most normal people in college. I honestly remember hating weekends last year because I never really did anything and I want to avoid that this year. It's going to take conscious effort for me to open up to people in order to make friends. I really don't feel like I have any friends here right now and I want that to change but I have a tendency to just mind my own business and get wrapped up in my routines.... Then on the weekends feeling isolated like this.

I need to try to understand what it is that prevents me from making friends here.... When my parents come here I always get depressed because they will point out places and I haven't been to any of them. Like I feel like I don't do anything here but eat, sleep, smoke, practice and study. Part of it is laziness because I never put the effort forward to find anything to do here because in my time off I just want to practice guitar. I feel like my interests right now are on tunnel vision so it's hard for me to relate to people that aren't into music... and a lot of people that are into guitar are cold

I lost my ability to communicate with Luke J. which makes me so freaking sad because I really wanted the chance to get to know him... I think I pissed him off because I was being nosey about something he was posting (about a sensitive subject so I should have known) and now when I try to send him a message it "fails to send" which I'm pretty sure is the nice way Facebook's trying to say he's not accepting messages from me.

It's just been a bad day, I just feel super lonely and insecure about where my life is socially and I'd like that to change. Here's to a better day tomorrow.

peace. 

This is the third or fourth time I've published this entry.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, today's been in an emotional roller coaster for me. I really don't feel like Terry is interested in me anymore, mainly because I've been the only one to take initiative to talk for the past couple days. It's hard because I guess I let the things he said to me the other night get in my head. He really seemed impressed by my personality and intelligence and I feel like he's now not interested what so ever. I've come to realize that's just what happens in college.

The best thing I can do is try not to pay attention to him. Just be as confident as I have been and not worry. It was hard for me emotionally to cope with the fact that he seemed to be avoiding me today, and because we're in two classes together, one of which I sit directly next to him... well, the best thing I can do is play it cool either way. If that's it with him, fine, I just need to try and relax, focus on my studies and move on.

 I felt weird all day today after going to bed at 9 last night and I feel like a late night off studying and playing my guitar will do me a lot of good. Because of the stress and uncertainly about this situation I've been sleeping earlier to not have to think. I remember that happened with Jed.

I realize now that my lack of confidence in this area of my life is what leads me to a lot of problems. What I have learned in my past experience, though, is when I'm feeling like this the absolute worst thing is to text him seeking answers as to whether or not my suspicions are true. If he's not interested in me anymore, fine. That's his choice and there's nothing I can do about it. I just need to continue to be friendly and confident regardless of what happens.

Now that I've come to terms with my emotions about this I'm feeling a lot better. I can't tell you what will happen in the next few days but I'm going to try and not think about this shotgun crush I had anymore. Whatever happens, happens. God will make things all work out eventually if I work hard and stay focused.


peace.