Stepping the same place 12 years later

Our house in Paso Robles, California. 

Evening everyone, check this out.

This is a picture of the house I lived in when I was in the 4th grade and we moved to California because my Grandpa had cancer. This is the one house other house my family ever lived in growing up so I wanted to get a picture of it to help solidify memories of living there. Allow me to ramble a few things that come to mind when I look at this picture.

• The sloped driveway on the left. This was really fun to ride up and down on scooters and skateboards* (which of course I'd just sat on... I wasn't near daring enough to ride down a slope on a skateboard even at that age)
• The window by the door. That is where the computer desk was. Like everywhere else I've lived in my life, the computer room was where I spent a lot of my time. Fourth grade was the year I remember first having access to explore the internet (with a snales pace dial up connection of course) and I'm sure I looked up a lot of.... erm, "questionable" sh*t. Not perverted or anything because I didn't know what that was at the time but you know what I mean.
  I also remember playing the Harry Potter and the Sorcerers stone PC game with it's painfully slow graphics and doing fabric crafts in that room. 
• The short brown fence, behind which is the small backyard my sister and I used to play in sometimes. The yard kind of sucked because there was no swingset or anything but it was made up for by having a neighborhood with a lot of room to ride bikes around. I remember going up and down hills and around cal-de-sacs with neighbor kids for hours, it was a great time. 

I don't miss my childhood because I remember it as a time of a lot of insecurity, confusion and frustration, but then when I think of these times I realize how good of a childhood I really had. 

As you guys know I watch a lot of Intervention and most people that grow up addicts have had a bad childhood, whether it be from losing one of their parents from divorce, their parents suffering from addiction or being abused. I didn't have any of these problems growing up, neither of my parents drank and the worst I had to deal with was my Dad's yelling about household finances (which he would later feel really bad about and have one on one talks with me about why he was angry. It's honestly how I learned about money at an early age). 

That's all for tonight guys. I spent some good time studying today but couldn't find much inspiration on the guitar. I wish Jacob would send me the new tab of the Mozart piece he wants me to learn instead of the crappy one I have currently. I also need to start listening to What It's Like by Everlast to figure out how the chorus goes. I haven't gotten around to that yet. The intro riff  sounds great though. That's a good one to have in my repertoire and it's let me practice chords more. 

peace. 

Out of Tri again.

Hello everyone, hope you're all having a super day.

Today is Samantha's fiance and good friend of mine Shawn Griffith's birthday, he turned 22 today. Happy birthday man, I'm gonna be in that same boat in 8 days. I've noticed turning 22 causes people to get their first queasy feeling about aging because it's one year after the big "landmark adult age" of 21. Shawn doesn't look worried about it and I shouldn't either... Ha ha his ability to enjoy life has always been an inspiration to me. Like today for Shawn's birthday they all bought power rangers shirts for everyone that lives in "House." 

I'm sad that I didn't see Samantha this summer because we were both working and I was always pretty broke because I didn't start working until about late June.... By then I was completely flat out broke and just wanted to recoup some of my losses by not going out much this summer. She knows that I care about her from a distance and want her to be happy though. 

Speaking of friends I've found that having not Katelynn's negative energy in my life has proved to be very productive, as I haven't drank since we stopped being friends. I feel like the timing was right to not be in eachother's lives and I honestly want her to be happy too.

I'm moving out tomorrow. The car's are mostly packed up with my stuff and some nerves are starting to set in. Based on the space predicament Miranda will not be able to come with me tomorrow. My parents have been trying to convince me out of the deal all-together by suggesting that I get a new kitten and that can be "your own cat." Uhm I'm sorry, Miranda's my cat. She's been there in some of the hardest parts of my life over the past few years and brings comfort and relaxation to me every day. I have to have her, a kitten would be a huge ass hassle. But if she does have a really hard time adapting to the new environment, it'd be something I'd consider. 

So yeah, just gotta pack the rest of my crap up... including this computer which I'd prefer to wait on as long as possible. For the most part today I've been unmotivated and packing up this would get the work done faster I'm sure but then what the hell would I do for the rest of the night (ha ha, so selfish right..?). 

Alrighty I'll talk to you guys later. Something tells me if my mom catches me still lazing around she'd be pretty irritated. Wish me luck tomorrow guys, it's gonna be a long day. I'm excited to be out on my own again but making change is always really stressful for me. 

peace. 

Why me living in a house with two other girls is a bad idea

It's only 11:30 am and I've already had a lot to think about today....

I haven't eaten breakfast aside from an apple. It's almost lunch time... ugh, there's no cereal. There's enough stuff on hand to keep me going for the next few days, I'm just going to gradually start getting creative again because I don't want to spend the last of my cash on food.. especially when realistically there's so much around here. I think of people from poorer countries that have to make due with next to nothing.

Allie contacted me this morning about whether or not I'd like to live in a house with her friend next year. I don't know, as fun as that sounds I don't think that could be the right choice for me. Here's the pros versus cons of living off campus for me:

Pros:

-Live with someone that I sort of know that will talk to me versus potentially get the situation like I did with Kristin this year.... 

-Probably be forced to do more social things

Cons:

-Obvious fees and bills versus hidden fees at school.Have to pay $425 out of pocket each month. Granted my parents would probably still help me with this but because this is a monthly thing versus a lump sum on a loan it's much more obvious of a fee that I'd have to deal with my Dad on. As it is I hate asking for the money for my guitar lessons-- which would pretty much be guaranteed out the window if I'm already asking for rent. 

-It would be FURTHER... It would be on this road that is down the road from student village... which would mean an even further ride to Shaw. All of my classes, all year are likely to be in that same building. I go back and forth between my apartment between classes to munch, smoke, etc... Do what I need to do to unwind and prepare myself for the upcoming class. It would be too much of a bikeride for me to go back and forth to a house. 

-More to clean. When you live with one other person you are forced to clean up after yourself because your roommate can easily point a finger at you. If you're living with two other people and one of them leaves a mess then you're pretty much stuck cleaning it up to cook for yourself. A house is just more of a burden to clean up than an apartment in general. 

This is what I liked to escape when I moved out from my family's house, I'm always having to clean up after my Dad and sister's food messes that don't bother them as much as it bothers me. 

-I prefer being alone most of the time. Which kind of made the fact that Kristin hated me nice. I've realized that there's a time for friends/family and a time to be alone... and most of my time is spent alone and that's how I like it. The amount that I study and practice guitar is absurd and if it's too loud or messy for me to do that there's nothing quicker to set me off. 

Damn I'm experiencing a sugar crash from eating a waffle... I need to go make some food.

peace. 

-

Two word responses can be hard to read.

Sometimes that's how I feel when I talk to Jason, like I'm annoying or bothering him. We used to text a lot but now when we do text I get these short little responses that I can't make sense of. It's hard, I like him and I want to spend time with him but sometimes I feel like any minute he's going to say, "Look, I'm gonna have my own experience and I don't want to feel like I've got some obligation to deal with you. Goodbye."

So of course in order to avoid this I'm keeping things extremely light and trying not to pressure him to spend time with me one way or the other. If he wants to spend time with me, great! If not, well, okay I'll go do my own thing-- I've always got shit to do because of my rigorous study and practice habits so it's not like I'm waiting around for Jason all day. I don't even know if he considers us to be "dating."

Because see there's that stage where you're flirting and getting to know eachother, which in the past month and a half we've certainly spent a great deal of time doing. Then when we actually met at Central things have been going steady for the most part, but I can't help but have this suspicion that he's going to suddenly not talk to me ever again... it sucks. I really don't trust that any guy that I actually have feelings for is going to want me back because it's never happened. I've always just felt dumped off like trash... like oh, I'm done with what I wanted from you now.

I'm hoping things will change someday. I just keep praying that they will, it's been nearly two years that I haven't had guy that was actually willing to start a relationship with me. I've definitely had dates, flings, whatever-- but nothing that ever actually evolved into a relationship. What Jason and I have right now is the closest I've gotten so I'm treating it extremely delicately.

I feel like I'm the one whose keeping this alive more than he is though. Jacob told me, "If a girl is pursuing a guy, there's something wrong..." Well what am I supposed to do, just ignore him completely and hope he starts talking to me?

I just feel like an inconvenience to him and don't want to feel that way.  If he's just sort of putting up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me then I wish he'd just tell me. But I could be totally wrong. I just don't know, and that's what I hate about the relationship game is the uncertainty of it and how it makes your stomach feel. It makes me feel like I'm humiliated a lot because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Right now I've just really tried to be myself around Jason but trying to keep my distance at the same time. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he cuts things off and I hate that feeling.

For this reason I've been feeling a little sad since I got home because he's not really making any effort to talk to me at all. I texted him first today and he keeps giving me two word responses so of course I'm like, HERE we go. The signs are there. I just really hope I'm wrong.

I just really don't want to get hurt again. There's something about me that scares guys away. I like to believe it's Tyler's theory that: "Emily, you're the type of girl that a guy would want to marry. Guys just want to hook up, they don't want to settle down yet." Well if that's truly the case than I really wish I were a lesbian.

Because the feeling of longing for actual love is the biggest inconvenience for those of us that can't find any satisfaction in it. It's like a really good drug that everyone else is using that I want to get my hands on but can't because my dating pool is so small.

And I'm not saying that guys don't hit on me because I do get attention, a LOT.. the kind of attention that most girls would be envious of. I get picked up on pretty much everywhere I go. It's crazy that I have so much trouble finding any actual stability in that aspect of my life because of how I get praised so frequently by admirers. I'm just really not attracted physically to most men. I can't be with a guy that's shorter than me or like... 5'6 or something, it just turns me off so bad I can't do it. As I've said before that eliminates a LOT of guys at Central.

I guess the bottom line is this. I will find someone, eventually. God, my ancestors, whatever outside forces have helped shape my destiny to this point have not failed me yet and maybe all this waiting will lead to something absolutely magical. Am I saying things with Jason could never be magical? No, not necessarily. My body-mind instincts are not giving me a bad response with him like they did with say, Guy or Indy or many other guys that I've spent time with and my body literally rejected it by not letting me sleep or eat really when I was around them. It's not that way with Jason at all, I would actually love to sleep next to him one of these nights but I haven't gotten a chance too.



I just really, really don't want to end up like my parents where I don't really connect with the person I'm married too. I want to be able to joke around, have fun, have a really good understanding of one another and be able to communicate well. I want him to be openminded to my unusual interests and accept and love me for who I am. I want him to be attractive to me, obviously. That's certainly not everything and a great personality can make a guy way more physically attractive-- but yeah, someday I want to have kids and I want them to be good looking because it's a HUGE advantage in life (and anyone that says that's not true can't deny that it at least makes things easier for people).

So obviously my mood tonight is lonely, as well as sort of panicky. I've been having these weird panic attacks where I'll start shaking and my stomach gets really tight. I'm sure this can't be great for my body. It all has to do with the dramatic change of scenery in my life, as well as this new love interest, plus my classes... it's no wonder I'm feeling this way.

My day itself though wasn't bad. I'm actually in Benton City right now because my mom wanted to take me school clothes shopping for my birthday. These plans didn't happen until 4 or so because I took a really long nap after getting no sleep last night. I went to Shawn's 21st birthday yesterday, i'd go into the details about that but I'm sitting here with my mom and would rather talk to her than write. Maybe I'll tell you guys about it in tomorrow's entry.

peace.

oh, here's a blog worth mentioning that i'm just saving for myself to read later. Can't bookmark here.

http://www.thedeadkidsofmyspace.com/

If I weren't leaving I think I'd be with you. [5 days!]

My Grandma and I had lunch today, which is an enormous burden off my shoulders because she hadn't really heard from my family in a couple years and wanted to know how we were doing. I told her how Avery and I are doing very well, and that neither of us are mad at her. Though the situation is extremely frustrating and my Dad has felt lost without the farm things just happen. We're all still in good health and I should at least make an effort to visit once and awhile.

I've never actually watched the show Bob's Burgers. I'm just... not interested, the animation turns me off. 

We went to Bob's Burgers and I got fish and chips. I only ate a little of it because I wasn't super hungry and wanted to save the leftovers for later but my mom ate them a few minutes after I stuck it in the fridge. Sigh.. I thought she'd at least leave some of it for me, I think I actually said I didn't want any more of it. Probably for the best that I don't eat two big servings of fish and chips in one day...

This morning it took me awhile to get out of bed and I've only practiced the guitar 40 minutes today. I'm going to need a new motivation now that Jacob will no longer be teaching me. I was thinking of starting a new reward system where if I practice my three hours (which will probably shorten to 2 once I start with school) a day I'll put a sticker on my sheet. At the end of the week, for every sticker on my sheet I'll earn $5.  I'll take the cash directly out of the bank and spend it on absolutely whatever I want/need with it.

Better a reward system with cash than food.

Katelynn and I hung out today for a bit. It was a quick visit because she drove out here and had to leave because Alan needed his car. I read her the crazy Trisha/Dylan blog entry, it was the first time she'd gotten the detailed story. They texted me again recently when Dad and I went to Hobby Lobby asking if I wanted to let the "past be the past" and hang out again. Uhm, no thank you...? Just thinking about them makes me shake with anxiousness. I've never been with anyone that finds and points out my flaws so readily.

Katelynn mentioned that she saw Josh K. recently at Albertsons or something. I'm sad that he never really comes into Rite Aid anymore. I don't know if it's because of me because he feels obligated to make small talk or if it's because he can't drink monsters anymore... Or maybe he just doesn't drink monsters and smoke cigarettes anymore. OR he is buying them but found a better deal than Rite Aid. Either way, I haven't seen him in weeks, and I probably won't get a chance to say goodbye.

I'll spend the majority of my shift wondering this tomorrow. The funny thing about Josh is this... I think he is s attracted to me as I am to him but he has never wanted to start something because I'm leaving. This is also probably why  we haven't spent any time together since then (he's messaged me drunk a couple times wanting me to come out there but I don't want that right now... even if I would have liked too). He's been my only interest this summer. He's always been really respectful toward me which is huge. He's confident, nice, AND smoking hot.. all good qualities. I imagine if I weren't going to college, Josh and I would be dating.

But things aren't going to happen that way because they weren't meant too. For some reason God wanted me to have some major alone time this summer, apparently.

5 days!!!

Check it out I finally got a new default. 

Giggity.

It's been awhile since I've been able to get a decent webcam shot. I like my facebook picture to be pretty nondescript like this. 

Shoot it's almost 8:00. I stayed up late one night last night and woke up with worse acne than yesterday, even if the one on my face on the left disappeared I've got two more now near my chin. I need to order differin again but it's so expensive and that'll take a good chunk from my last paycheck but oh well, it's an $80 rescue product that I always should have on hand with my skin issues.

Tomorrow is my last Saturday shift. I have to go into it with a good attitude like I did on Thursday to make it through as quickly as possible.

peace. 

My party! A quick overview.

Now that a day has passed and I feel more relaxed and restored, I can talktalktalktalk about everything that's happened. This blog might be broken up into a few entries, but I'll start with writing about my party.

The party had an incredible turnout. Throughout the night I'm pretty sure I got at least 30 people, and only a few people that RSVP'd as coming flaked out. All the people that I really wanted to come showed up though, including Robert, Tyler and Logan which was amazing considering the crowd that was there. Tyler doesn't like crowds much and has never really followed through with plans that I make, but times have changed I suppose!

Speaking of those guys, I got the incredible news that Chelsea and Robert are engaged. It was so funny when they announced it to us because Tyler, Logan and I already knew but we played it off like we didn't. I admit that Chelsea and I weren't necessarily besties in highschool, and I'm sure I said some things about her that weren't favorable to Robert a long time ago, but my opinions of her have changed a lot. She was totally cool at my party, she's really made Robert happy, they love eachother so much and I'm really excited for their wedding next May.

The party started at 8' PM, which means it was pretty light out when people started showing up. I had picked up Taylor M. because she didn't have a ride, then Katelynn and Alan showed up. There wasn't much setting up to do because my Mom had it covered, and my head was still sort of on backwards like it was at graduation. 

On the left is Tim. Jessika had showed up with him, having told him I was interested in a relationship and he came to hang out with me apparently. Jessika and Tim were being very reclusive. Tim had been excited to hang out with Katelynn and Alan as well, but that was cut short when Jessika decided to leave about 20 minutes after getting here to go smoke weed with Tim. She was angry at me and acting really rude to all of my guests and I had no idea why. I ended up texting her about it and she flipped out on me but that story is for another entry.

A picture of me, Logan and Tyler. Robert was originally in this I thought but he ducked out with Chelsea. He probably felt a little awkward and didn't want Chelsea to feel excluded. Chelsea would of been fine in the picture too, though! 

The ki-be drama kids started coming in around 9:30 pm. They certainly made it a party! They all had such a good energy because they were ready to have a good time. I set up the movie in the yard but everyone pretty much talked, hung out and munched the whole time. I was sort of unprepared for food because I was slightly broke. 

Here's me and Taylor. I unexpectedly jumped on his lap to take a picture. Every person that was there I made sure to make a point to tell them that I was glad they were there and made sure to give them a hug at some point in the night. Reason being, I have no idea when I will see any of these people again in my life. Not saying I don't guarantee I'll see Samantha, Shawn and those guys again.. haha I'm going to Sam's house tomorrow more than likely. But people like those in my Japanese class that I never really had much of a close relationship with outside of class, I really don't know. I'm sure I will go to other meet ups and such if there are some, but if not I hope they all have successful and happy lives. 

The Japanese club kids were the first ones to show up at 8:10-8:30 or so. I was happy they were so timely because I always get so worried about if people will show up or not. They hung out on the benches and chit chat for most of the time, so I was concerned they were bored but there was really nothing to worry about. A couple of them messaged me telling how much of a good time they had.

So yup, everything worked out as it should! Can't say I'm going to be having any more parties anytime soon because it's nearly impossible to have a great time at your own party without stressing out and over planning, but it was still an excellent closure to my time at CBC. 

peace. 

Walking through the forests

Hello all.

Right now I'm sitting in Jessika's room, they just ran off together. We had a really nice walk in Zintar Canyon and Jessika's grandma's house is super comfortable. It's the kind of thrifty old wooden house that I like. I'm showing Tim this band called Porcupine Tree that I absolutely love and think he would too. Jessika had invited me over to jam with her friend Tim who she told me was really skilled. I was initially very intimidated by this but now that I've been taking lessons with Jacob I feel more confident in my skills. Annnyway....

Jamming went fine, he plays mainly cords and writes some of his own music. He was pretty impressed by my playing abilities having only played six months. I just needed the right tools-- which was my teacher, a lot of time and patience.

They're sort of just sitting there. They said they feel so chill right now, so I think they like my music taste.

I went to Katharine's graduation party today, that was also a pretty good experience. I caught up with a bunch of people and also met a couple of Katharine's friends from Central. Katharine's friends were really neat, I was impressed, especially this one really tan girl that looked like a blast to spend time with. This was also a good experience I really wanted a chance to talk to Khylee and Tim for some reason... I feel like their most lasting impression of me was back six years ago when I was a very offensive, loud moron.

But obviously I've changed since then. Khylee and Tim though, they don't seem like they've changed that much. They've always been smarter than most of the people in their class, they're witty, and I've always felt like they haven't liked me much because they've always sneered at whatever I say. Probably because Tim is one of those people that you say always something stupid around... My Mom said his Dad is sort of like that too, intimidatingly intelligent people. There are few people that intimidate me in this way, but Tim is one of them. Anyway, actually had a seemingly normal conversation with both of them today so that was nice.

I don't care much what people think of me, but I like to think I've made a half decent impression.

alright I'm gonna go to bed.

peace.

Rave kids, oh my! ~10~

I don't know, I tend to see these same people in the same pictures all the time. This guy Jesse Ex Valentine or something that wanted to come and DJ at my Japanese club party and invited a ton of people that I didn't even know. I bitched him out, blocked him, and he probably wouldn't recognize me if I saw him. But I know I pretty much don't like him because of the situation. And it still kind of bothers me that there could of been a possibility that my party would of been ruined by a bunch of people I don't know. They probably would of been complete assholes saying that there's no alcohol or whatever.

I have no idea what that is with the blue hair. I'm pretty sure it's female, explaining something very matter-of-factly. I wonder if that's a wig or if her hair is actually dyed blue. She must of just freshly dyed it if it is that color of blue, because actual blue hair like that fades out ridiculously fast and looks like garbage. Her eyebrows are blue too. I wonder what she's trying to pull off there?

That's another thing. Why does it seem like girls are purposefully making themselves look like shit here in the tri-cities? They'll look nice and then suddenly they decide to do something crazy like guage huge holes in their ears, fry their hair with some disgusting dye,... yeah.

Maybe I'm being too negative. I talked to this guy Brier on the phone last night for like an hour about how he just had this need to get out of the tri cities like I do right now, and once he got out and moved up to Bellingham with his girlfriend he absolutely loved it. He did say, however, that when things got way to serious with him and his girlfriend, he sort of regretted living with her like that. I was joking around saying that it was probably like they were playing "house," her cooking them dinner, etc etc. I also said that I bet she prepared some really disgusting watered down speghetti with Prego sauce. It was the funniest conversation ever. I really like talking to him even if he lives all the way up in Bellingham. I hate long distance shit, but there's nothing really going on here so it doesn't bother me.

Ahh, well, better play for awhile, do pilates, put the wet laundry into the dryer, maybe play a little sims. Whatever I feel like doing until tomorrow, cause it's gonna be a hellish long week.

yours,

Emily