Morning.

Fourth of July turned out to be more fun than originally anticipated-- of course everything is more fun when you've got a few tequila shots in your system and could give a rats who saw you that night.*

A very familiar group of faces, almost all of which graduated in my sister's class. I hadn't seen most of them in ages so it was fun catching up. I normally don't say much about my own life unless I'm asked but I remember telling a lot of people I was almost finished in business school. 

Taylor H. is planning to go to flight attendant school. I thought it was interesting this school teaches how to be a flight attendant exclusively because it seems like being a waitress in the air but no doubt there's a ton of protocol involved that I'm not even aware of. The pay is of course significantly better than a waitress too, I think she'll do really well at that.

This was the first 4th of July I can think of in years where the thought of still being single this time of year didn't bother me. As I've always said I'd much rather be single than be with someone I don't like that much, and I know the likelihood of meeting anyone this summer that would come close to what I felt for Joel is very unlikely.

I did start to have a crush earlier this summer but I don't think it's going anywhere. He seems to take too much of what I say literally, making it very difficult for me to comfortably communicate with him. If he decides he wants to get to know me further, cool, but otherwise I've dropped hope of a potential summer fling there.

Today I'm going floating with Kim G. and some of her friends so I need to get ready. I've been using tanning lotion every day on top of epiduo to make that stupid scarring on my forearm less noticeable to my parents. I know eventually it will go away entirely (sooner than later if I'm using epiduo or Differin which is meant to get rid of acne scars) but using tanning lotion has made the discoloration a lot less noticeable. So when I go to the river today I'll have a nice tan glow!

My body looks pretty good regardless of having not gone to the gym in a couple weeks. I try to stay active at home by running and doing workout videos on my computer every so often. While I've been back I've also been downloading a lot of new workout videos because my old ones are getting boring. My biggest diet enemy is beer, especially when there's a ton of it around here because my family doesn't really drink but my dad will buy it and think he might drink it eventually (lol).

peace.

Never been so out of my mind.

Me using a tequila bottle as a meat cleaver. Michael came over and I made Parmesan chicken the other night. As you can see, though these bottles do have uses I have decided to discard them.

Evening.

Can't believe the last time I wrote was Tuesday, this week flew by. I've got a lot to say. This is the first time in awhile I can remember being too embarrassed to call my parents because of my actions. I've decided to really refrain from drinking from now on. This past week I've been taking a couple shots in the evening to both cure boredom and hide my feelings about the "Terry-having-a-girlfriend" situation (ha ha, I don't know why that's in quotes, can't get much more obvious than that.). I thought I could handle alcohol in my system but yesterday I realized I'm much more of a lightweight than I'd realized.

I got invited over by my Kenyan neighbors Joseph and Irene. It was super nice to see them and we had a great time talking and hanging out. I'd mentioned that I had a sink full of dishes and I had to get home to clean and Joseph offered me a shot of alcohol. Granted it was like 2 pm but it's also a saturday without a huge amount of homework so I said sure, what the hey... I was having a great time, eating chicken, whatever.

I don't know what proof that whiskey was but after taking just two shots of it I was drunk. Definately the drunkest I've ever been in my life. I don't even remember walking in the door to my apartment and putting the bowl of chicken in the fridge but I do remember going upstairs and falling on the floor, then puking all over my hair. I laid there for a second like "auuugh!!" and rolled over to clean up the mess. 

I then got in the shower to clean the puke out of my hair. I'm assuming I had eyemakeup everywhere and I don't remember washing my face. I dried myself off and did the weirdest thing... I put on just leggings and the wrestling tshirt I bought from Troy C. backwards. I went downstairs and took a Brokaid hoping it would somehow keep me awake to clean but I pretty much  passed out on the couch. Again this was at like 3 or 4 and my parents were planning to come that evening. My sink was still full of dirty dishes. 

When they came in and I woke up almost in a panic. I was super drunk and wanted to go back to sleep but the effects of the Bronkaid were also going through my system and making me feel wired and dizzy. My parents were like "What are you on?" I didn't mention the Bronkaid, I just said I'd drank with my neighbors and felt really, really sick. I was acting really paranoid and crazy. They dropped off some money and left shortly after (this was like 6:30 pm) and I overheard my dad say "Wow I was not expecting that" on his way out. 

I can't remember the last time I've felt so ashamed. I ended up sleeping until about 9:45 pm before I was able to sober enough to get online. Michael and I talked about what had happened and he's encouraging me in my plan to stop drinking entirely, or at least keep alcohol out of my house so that I don't feel tempted to drink when I'm bored in the evenings. 

I'm sure as Hell not drinking hard alcohol at Radcon either. In some sense I'm glad this happened because I was able to experience being practically incoherent drunk but in the safety of my own home instead of somewhere where someone could hurt me. *Quiver....* \

By the way in writing this I want in no way for there to be bad light shed on my neighbors. I was warned it was good and that I might not be able to study for a few hours but I overestimated my tolerance for such a high proof product. 

Oh well I lived to tell the tale, learned my lesson and can move forward with a healthier lifestyle. I still am not looking forward to re-discussing this situation with my parents what so ever and do not intend to call until a few days have passed and it seems like a distant memory. 

So for the rest of the evening I'll be going to the library to read my macro book and work on homework. I applied for an internship in Spokane for the summer that appears to fit my qualifications very well. I looked at the Batelle internships and most of them are for doing technical support for their information systems. My GPA isn't high enough to qualify for their statistical data analysis gig which sounded kind of cool but fine. I've worked my a** off for this 3.177 GPA and if it doesn't suit your standards I'll take my services elsewhere. 

peace. 

Hot buttered rum

Afternoon everyone.

My Dad seems to be on some pissed off rampage and keeps yelling the f word. Earlier today he came in and started going off about the car costing such-and-such amount to fix and he "doesn't know what we're going to do!!!" and that he keeps having to "$hit money" for everyone. Granted yes not having my car has been a pain in the ass for everyone but because my mom hasn't been working I've been able to use her van these past couple weeks. 

Last night I went over to Tyler D.'s place and hung out with him, Logan, Logan's girlfriend (and Tyler's sister) Julie, Julie's best friend and Tyler's mom. It was a really chill, enjoyable time.

Julie (right) and her best friend that was there last night (left). 

They both have pretty outspoken, outgoing personalities and the more we drank the more Logan, Julie and her friend were bouncing off eachother's jokes and Tyler and I were comparably quiet. Regardless it was a great time, last night I tried "hot buttered rum" which is basically a product that looks like cannabutter that you mix with a hot cup of rum and it gives the rum a creamier, smoother texture similar to coffee. 

So let me back up of how I got to Tyler's house in the first place...

As you guys know I've had the past couple days off. Tyler and I had wanted to go see Five Finger Death Punch this summer and realizing I'm not moving out until the 24th makes me realize the only thing between me and seeing that show is $47. To be honest Tyler could care less about FFDP's new music... and I can only name a few songs by them from memory-- though I'm sure I hear more of them on 97 rock then I realize.

Damn I want to go.... I'd of course also want to buy a t-shirt to have as an addition to my quilt... there goes another $25. . .  With my mom without a job right now, my car messed up, my Dad under stress, having to pay Jacob for the end of September, and me wanting to have more than $500 to start the year off with, I just don't see it happening. 

We'll see, I still have 6 days and I'm undecided. 

Tyler and I went to the mall yesterday and I picked up my paycheck, we drove over to Music machine where I dropped my instrument off to get re-set and strung, and got some lunch at red robin. It was a really nice afternoon and I got some stuff done that I needed to do but haven't been able to get into town. We did also wander around the mall a little bit. I bought my first day of school shirt at Hot Topic.... ha ha ha.

Alright you guys I'll talk to you later. 

peace. 

damn near perfect (and some work nonsense)

Hola.

Okay I am so happy that this blog entry is not going to be me saying "Jay flaked and we didn't end up going" (ha ha, nothing against him in particular but you guys know how things go). We actually went. I've finally been to the damn boat races. Ha ha, my family was never interested in that so I'd never went when it's like this big thing in the tri cities. The boat races themselves for me was nothing to write home about because there wasn't anywhere to sit and we basically just paced around and people watched for an hour and a half. BUT, on the bright side we did get there right on time to see the final race and got in free because it had barely turned 4' pm. Win-Win.

This is Jay. Lmfao this is exactly how he looked when he pulled up to my house. 

Jay got here on his bike at like 2'. I was like huhhh... I figured he'd be bringing his truck because he said that he'd be driving us. There was no way in Hell I was going to ride on the back of his bike all the way to kennewick when I'd never been on one before. So I ended up being driver initially which I could tell wasn't what he had planned but.... I was pretty adamant about that from the get go.

We stopped and got Mexican food which admittedly just okay. I was debating between tamales and a burrito and ended up getting the burrito and scarfing most of it because I was starving. He ended up getting the tamales and they were covered in melted cheese which was really unusual. Oh well, it's Mexican food, you really can't go wrong in most cases.

After the boat races we stopped at the liquor store over on G. Way... There's like the Wal Mart of Liquor stores over there, HUGE. We milled around for a little bit, I didn't really know what I was looking for. I always just get my favorite (Corona).

LMFAO... okay I was originally going to post a picture of some clique looking Corona model to spice up this blog so I looked up "Corona girl" and found this. Dude that's the REAL Corona girl right there, ha ha I might have met her in a bar once....

Anyway me and Jay came back to my place, watched The Wonderful Whites on Netflix (lol that's a test.....) and he thought it was funny!!!! yaaaay, ha ha ha. That's kind of one way I can tell if I'm going to relate to a guy or not. Play some bizarre ass show or documentary that I find hilarious or amusing and see how he reacts. Most guys fail this test because when they're with me they're too distracted to actually watch it.

So yeah such a nice day... I honestly can't remember the last time I went on an actual date and felt like I wanted that for awhile. Dating to me feels like it did when I was 15, I'm just going to have fun taking this really slow and see where it goes. He's such a well rounded guy, like he's intelligent and mechanical.

I think I've always liked guys that can fix things because I have a tendency to break things.

Okay enough about that. It would be pretty embarrassing if he found this . Luckily he's not the snoopy type... or the internet type, so I feel like this blog's pretty safe from him ever finding it and knowing more of my thoughts than I'd want him to know.

Work was lame and boring like always. Nothing interesting happened but I did get stuck up in kids which is always a blast and a half.... I got this lovely 80's perm lady at the beginning of my shift that came in wanting to buy a bunch of clearance clothes, so of course nothing was ringing up the right price and I'm standing here trying to change the prices, take things off the hangers, fold and make meaningless conversation simultaneously. Apparently I'd made some mistakes and I tried to correct them. Megan then stepped in, undermine me in front of the customer as she likes to do in a given opportunity, and basically told me to get lost to restart the transaction. Lol fine by me I didn't want to deal with this.

Of course afterward Megan had to hunt me down and pretty much "coach" me on what I did wrong. This is like the third time she's done this with me. She's like, "You were arguing with a customer. . . If a customer asks you to do something you just do it. Every one one of items were not priced right, I had to fix all of it."

This chick is my age, mind you, and not a manager. 

I could say some really nice things about her appearance to paint a picture for you guys but that's too low for my level. . . . 

Granted she has worked there longer so knows the system a little better than I do but I was definitely not acting rude to customers.  I'm just standing here while she lectured me like "uh-huh.." Big smile, pause. Stare straight into her eyes. "Alrighty then!" (ha ha ha ha....) I can read so much hatred from her toward me, it's fun. Like she obviously thinks I am completely inadequate at my job.

God there are so many reasons I'd much rather NOT work in kids. Dresses is so much better. Granted I did enjoy talking to Jasmine today. She's Afr. American and really pretty in my opinion. Plus she's funny and laid back, I enjoy working with her. 

peace. 

Drinking wastes time and makes people sick

I was thinking a little earlier about how long I wanted to play guitar before I was able to fully dedicate myself and how happy I am that I've gotten to this point. I had my lesson today and had a really stressful week and so I was really happy to see Jake. He is so intelligent, direct and usually knows the correct logical perspective on all of my problems that I've ever told him about.

Like don't get me wrong, 99% of our lesson is just spent working. Any time that is not spent working is because I'm the one that's wasting time blabbing on about something because I want to get his advice on something. Lol he's not getting paid to listen to my problems or give me advice on anything.

But I really am going to take his advice on alcohol. He used to drink when he was in his earlier 20's and had a bunch of crazy shit happen like most people. Anyway he doesn't drink now because he says that it's just something that hinders progress and I think he's totally right. Like I could only play guitar for 40 minutes today, and the past few days I've been feeling better so there's no reason that I shouldn't be making 2 hours at least.

I need to know Master of Puppets like the back of my hand in 6 weeks and I've been making progress but seeing the speed that I need to have it at intimidates me. God, why did I decide to do such a difficult song? I'm going to put myself through boot camp practice the next week not only to escape some negative thinking that has dwelled on me this last week but also kind of recenter.

I took my probably one and only excusable day off work today. Last night I went out and felt so sick all night I couldn't move this morning. I've decided to never drink on a day before a work shift ever again. I know it's something that people just have to learn but with the medication that I'm on (Prozac) I feel that the alcohol has more sedative effects than the average person... like I get realllly tired when I drink. I have a good time and I'm usually quite attentive to what people are telling me but alcohol doesn't make me more talkative or confident in that sense.

Tomorrow I work at like 2. Jcpenny is becoming less stressful for me the more that I work there but it still blows working in kids. At least on the weekends they're more busy so it'll be more interaction with people versus mindless folding and sorting. Blegh, that's no fun for me. I've found that the task of dealing with clothes itself is much more obnoxious to me than other aspects like the fact that I'm not around any of the people I'd made friends with at work earlier. That's fine, though, it's a job and I shouldn't be able to make demands like what department I should be working in. But the second I get a new job I'm getting the hell out.

I feel really awkward asking people if they need help finding things because honestly my guess is as good as theres-- most people are just browsing around and don't have a set thing in mind. I have had a really hard time memorizing where stuff is because again, attention to detail.... It's probably just for the best that I look like I know what I'm doing, smile at people a lot, etc and everything will be fine. At least I hope so.

Today I was able to get a much needed errand done and reaped the reward of my paycheck. I'm caught up with guitar lesson payments until the end of the month. I get paid on the 19th. Alrighty then, good! I just need to focus on guitar... I feel like drinking once a week this past few weeks has made me very disoriented and lose focus on what's really important.


peace. 

Slacked for the weekend to brace for what's ahead

Wow, today was supposed to be my big statistics study day. You know how much studying I've actually accomplished so far? Nothing. I spent all weekend hanging out at home doing nothing but hang out with family and get things ready for the upcoming week. Today I did a pretty good amount of cleaning and packing and my room looks a LOT less cluttered than it did this morning.

Here's a picture of me and Ting at Bruce's birthday party this weekend. I really did have a fun weekend, between that party and getting a chance to go home and spend a little time at my sister's senior party. I don't know if I mentioned to you guys that I missed my sister's graduation but I did. Honestly it was because I had partied the previous night and didn't get much sleep. It was so much fun and I was lucky enough to not get a hangover. Ting was drinking the same amount that I was and got pretty sick so I was probably up until 3 or 4 am making sure she was gonna sleep in the bed I'd laid out for her versus next to the toilet seat...

Lol poor thing, I felt bad when she got so sick and I wasn't because she was drinking everything that I was having but I had a big meal beforehand and that night I ordered garlic bread at the palace.

Ting didn't go to the palace. I met her at Starlight and we hung out the rest of the time. She has taken Russian with some of Bruce's friends (namely Kylea) and she is planning to study in Russia next year. This kind of made me disappointed... Here I made this friend and she's not going to be at Central for a year. Granted I will be here in Fall 2015 when she comes back (I will be in my final quarter or second to last) so we will get some time to hang out again regardless but it'll be more than a year.

(Well Ting scratched her own face out in this one.... alrighty then ha ha)

Bruce's party this time was sort of different from the last one because we all got pretty drunk before going over to his house and by the time that happened I was too lazy to play any games. It was a hell of a fun time though, like last time. Kylea (left) is fun to party with. She's really genuinely nice, not embarrassed of anything.. She's been one of my favorite people I've met this year. 

Wow, yeah it's already 3 pm. My goal today is to do three hours of statistics and 1 hour of guitar to feel better about not doing anything productive this weekend. It's definitely do-able. 

Tomorrow I have my Stats final at 10 am. I keep on meditating on being confident in this material and I hope that it'll further solidify in my mind today. 

peace.

My first party with booze (storytime everyone!)

Goodmorning everyone.

It's 9:00 am. A friend of mine texted me at 1 in the morning and I did not fall back asleep. I feel asleep at around 6 or 7. I really would have liked to of exercised but not having my computer has made it a little more difficult. Today is Wednesday which means I have two more days here before I intend to go back (on Friday).

I plan on seeing Kari H. tomorrow! We communicate a lot on facebook and I plan to swing by and talk with her before my guitar lesson. I'd like to get back into the routine if waking up early in the morning.

Life has been quite strange the past couple days. After Katelynn and I stopped being friends I had a hard time believing it was real. I've recapped the entire story of what happened in my head numerous times and as the days pass details are becoming cloudier. I will try to back up to the very beginning, which was the day before the party. It's story time people!

Spring Break Party-- My first party with booze,
Trying to find closure with Katelynn
and the Situation 3/13/2013. 

Prologue: Katelynn and I hung out the previous night and walked around Richland. Things seemed fine, just like any other regular night. I brought over the last of some brownies I had left in the freezer which we enjoyed. They were quite old, admittedly. 

Katelynn and I went to the drive through at McDonalds that night over by Leyte, which I remember Jacob M. worked at for quite awhile. Jacob and I were friends and I liked him for awhile my Sophomore year-- I think after I dated Chino and right before I got my license. Anyway, that's off topic. We went to THAT McDonalds.

I ate a chicken  sandwich and fries. I admitted that it tasted pretty good but when we took a walk that  evening I started to feel sick. Katelynn is applying for a job at McDonalds while she looks for work elsewhere. I understand in her circumstances looking for work in this difficult economy you have to take what you can while you look for work to maintain your lifestyle. 

I feel as though Katelynn might have gotten sick of my problems because they seem petty to her. I can understand that. I don't have to work and I still complain about being nervous about money. My parents have supported me while Katelynn's parents have caused her financial stress since she was 16. I've always respected Katelynn for being more independent than I am and I appreciate her for that.  

Ryan, a friend of Katelynn's who at one time dated Katelynn's other friend Toni. Toni and Katelynn had a falling out and Ryan lost touch with Katelynn somewhere around our Junior year of highschool. Ryan is a really cool guy and plays the drums. 

Behind him is Brandon. I can't remember how Katelynn met Brandon exactly, but I was very happy when they arrived pretty shortly after the RSVP time (8:00). 

 

Katelynn was excited to help me plan for the party the night before and I was really nervous to have the party at all. I guess I'm always like that-- I always think "Oh GAHD nobody's going to show up!!" but people eventually do and I'm a happy camper. Because tonight was my first party with alcohol I was especially nervous. What if people drink too much? What if Jacob shows up and I make an ass of myself?

Katelynn and I cleaned the house... well, predominantly Katelynn cleaned it. I'm not going to lie guys, I am a puss when it comes to being tired. It's really hard for me to wake up if I didn't sleep well the previous night, even if I have a party that day. I slept at Katelynn's house the last night on their couch and I wasn't able to sleep at all so I found I was rather bitchy that night without even trying to be. 

That is, completely unintentionally bitchy. I would never want to hurt Katelynn, ever. I feel like sometimes I just go on bantering about things but I'll end up saying something that could have offended her even if it had nothing to do with her necessarily. 

Katelynn wiped off the counters, vacuumed the living room and probably straightened up the living room while I was.... in my bedroom, with Miranda, trying to sleep so that I didn't act feel and unintentionally act like a moody, lathargic bitch all evening. At around 8:00 Katelynn's friend Ryan showed up, who is the bearded gentleman in the picture. We all had fun hanging out and chatting for about an hour and a half before anyone else showed up-- but needless to say I was a little nervous when 9:30 was rolling around and nobody else had showed up yet. 

One of the things I said that probably offendid Katelynn: "Why isn't anybody showing up!" I must have said this 3 or 4 times... It's not like I in any way meant that Katelynn and her friends aren't somebody to me. I was just as excited to have them there as everyone else. I was just thinking of how bad it would be if nobody that Jacob knew had showed up to my party and how lame it would be to say, "Err... yeah I tried to plan that buttttt...."

Brandon and Ricky were the next to arrive. I was sort of surprised they showed up, they brought a couple six packs too. That night I had bought a 28 can-box of Coors light, I believe-- I'm not that particular. 

 

Then Glenn and Adolfo showed up, and shortly after Rhiannon, Kevin and Sheldon M. When Jordan S. showed up with his girlfriend I was like, yay! This is officially a party. I felt there was a respectable amount of people to not be considered a "kickback"-- which is impressive to me because usually Benton City is such a far drive nobody wants to come out here.

Samantha and Shawn were invited but were unable to make it because Shawn had to work in the morning. Josie originally told me she wasn't going to make it because she had a final the next day but then showed up shortly after Joan and Jared. 

 There's me and Josie. As you can see we're wearing practically matching attire unintentionally, ha ha. Basics are the best clothes. Anyway she dropped in briefly, we talked about college and kind of joked around with Joan and Jarred before they left too. Joan must be on spring break too. He lives in Pullman. Josie is currently going to cbc and will graduate in good time. She didn't do running start in highschool so I'm pretty sure she's in her second year there. 

 

Anyway the night rolled on. We got more drunk. I tried to hang out and talk with everyone at one point or another so I didn't spend the whole time with Katelynn. I figured she was having a good time because she was hanging out with the friends that she'd brought. 

As people started to leave I started to move the party outside because my sister had class in the morning. As you can see I sat down next to Katelynn and asked her friend to take these pictures. Again, thought we were having a really good time. 

Fast forward to after the party. It's the day after and I'm exhausted hanging around the house all day. I get a text from Katelynn asking if I was busy-- and I wasn't, really. That morning I'd seen Rhiannon briefly and we walked around town for a little bit before she went to work. She had told me about a party she was going to and told me she would talk to Sheldon about me coming.

When Katelynn asked what I was doing I told her I might hit up Connor (granted I had tried but he didn't get back to me. I haven't seen him a pretty long time) but then later said I was planning to go to bed after all.

That day my Mom informed me that Katelynn had posted a status about like... 'so much for my friends being there for me' or something along those lines. I didn't see the post because my computer has been broken and I was using my cell phone which cut back my facebook contact reliability pretty significantly. 

The next day Katelynn texted me saying she didn't want to be friends anymore with no real explanation other than that she felt the only time I was listening to her was when we were talking about me. 

I would have to disagree but this is the way that she felt and she has every right to cut me out of her life. I just have a hard time believing it.

Forward: Messaged Sarah on facebook the day of the text messages. She told me that Katelynn does this unexpectedly, which I'm aware of, but I never thought it would be me. I thought I would continue to be the constant variable in her life. But times are changing, our lives are changing... And she wholeheartedly meant what she said and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm just trying to move forward. Without my best friend I feel rather empty. She was a person that I grew up with in many ways, our personalities developed together through adolescence. I'm going to miss her.

peace.