Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, I'll tell you when 

Best. F^%$ing. Line. in this Mastodon song "All the Heavy Lifting" that I absolutely love to listen to when I need an extra push during my runs around town. I joke that with all the pizza and beer I've consumed this summer I'm not even running to get in better shape, I'm running to stay in the same shape!! 

Anyway, what's up guys? It's Wednesday morning. I had the last two days off which I spent doing the usual, but did have a nice evening last night for my cousin Graham's going away party so I'll start out by telling you about that. 

This might look like any other picture of cousins taken over the years (Minus Rachel who's in Mexico for a mission) but there's more behind the fact that it's being taken. 

I feel like things have changed for the better  in our family because of the effort I've made to keep in touch with my grandmother regardless of the painful situation that occurred primarily between my Dad and Ty a few years ago that basically took my Dad out of the picture entirely. I know my Grandma didn't intend for it to go as far as it did. I just think it more or less has comes down to my Grandma not wanting to deal with life alone after my Grandpa died and when Ty was willing to come in and take over the finances she was all for it. 

For about a year after that last cherry harvest where Ty wanted to fire me for messing up our already inefficient ticket system, I had no contact with anyone on that side of the family. I remember passive-aggressively making a point to my aunt how much I didn't like them by posting a status a following Thanksgiving when my Mom's side was visiting that it was "The best Thanksgiving ever." My aunt Teri and I got in an argument over Facebook shortly after and I deleted and blocked everyone on that side of the family for about a year. 

It wasn't until about Winter of my second quarter at Central when I started dealing with some major anxiety that I started trying to patch things up with my family. I started calling my Grandma when I was trying to come down from major panic attacks and her talk of mundane, day to day life would kind of put me at ease. She loves to talk so that kind of helped rebuild our relationship after not talking for two years. Since then my relationship with the rest of my family has been pretty good. We just entirely
avoid talking about the kind of sad and obvious stalemate that has occurred between my Dad and his family and just hope there can be some kind of resolution someday. 

Graham's going away party was actually a send-off for bootcamp with the Navy. He's going to Illinois to get his ass kicked, basically. But we're all really proud of him and he seems more than ready. It's pretty incredible, Graham lost 90 lbs in the last year by keeping a food diary and exercising in order to suit his recruiters needs. Only someone who really wants something could do that because losing significant amounts of weight is so hard, especially when you've had kind of the same build your entire life. So yeah I have no doubt he'll do great. 

The party was at my aunt Teri's house and she was cooking a lot of Dominoes (here I am eating pizza again!! I swear to God this summer I've been on the pizza diet...!). Teri, Traci, Grandma, Tiffany, Avery and I were all standing around the table chatting. One thing that came up a couple of times that stood out to me was the sudden death of a young Benton City woman that suffocated sleeping on a memory foam mattress. My Grandma went to the funeral because the family of the woman that passed is LDS and she is actually the older sister of a guy I graduated with. Very sad. 

....I can't help wonder if they'll file a lawsuit against temperpedic. 

I think the biggest highlight of the evening was that my uncle John and I actually related on something-- and this is a family member I've honestly never talked more than small talk bullshit to in my life! He asked me if I was returning to Central in the Fall and I told him that I'd decided to stay back and work full time for a quarter instead. 

When I told him I'd be "returning to business school in the Winter..." he asked me "So are they going to raise or lower the prime rate soon?" He was trying to see if I knew my shit and I wanted to seize the opportunity. I paused for a second... my mind was like 'God, think, Prime rate, interest, Carbaugh's class..." and I responded "The interest rate the federal reserve charges to borrow money? I'm not quite sure what they're doing now." 8-) Ha ha ha, Hell yea. I could have just bullshit and said they were going to lower it to increase spending if I wanted to sound like a real hotshot but I honestly don't know the REAL answer to that question. 

I told him that someday I want to go into forecasting stocks and portfolio building and he said he wanted to be an analyst himself if he hadn't become an engineer. He's bought and sold stocks before so I could probably learn a lot talking to him about his experience with it. 

I'm just dying to start playing around with buying and selling stocks on E-trade but before that happens obviously I've gotta MAKE some money. As of right now I'm flat ass broke and have been for a couple days. I've got a paycheck waiting for me at Caesar's but it's not worth the drive to Pasco to get it when I can just pick it up today when I go to work. 

With my little 3 and 4 hour shifts my paycheck is going to be puny as all Hell. I'm probably just going to keep out $40 in cash, try and stretch that as long as possible and put the rest of it away. I really need to start applying for other jobs. Things have just been coming up so I haven't had a chance yet but I think seeing my first paycheck will *really* motivate me. 

peace. 

Good luck and goodbye

R.I.P. DENNIS LEE, APRIL 11, 1967-SEPTEMBER 19 2013 

There's some sad news I read on facebook today on his daughter Amber's profile. Dennis had four daughters, Amber, Ashley, Kendra and Danielle as well as a son that grew up here in Benton city so the whole community was shocked today when they heard the news. Dennis recently became a grandfather when Amber and Ashley had babies this year and also got to see Danielle graduate. 

I hope the family is holding together through this hard time. They're in my thoughts. 

Today I spent my day off relaxing, eating good food (my sister made steaks and cous-cous for lunch which was actually really delicious), playing guitar... Also trying to figure out my upcoming expenses and how I'm going to get through the next five days or so without blowing the lame remainder of my funds. Today I had to get my prescription without having insurance. Get this shit-- REGULAR price for Prozac that Benton city pharmacist COULD HAVE sold me if he was just in it for profit: $248

But because the pharmacist at Logar is a friend and heard my situation he gave me an EXTREME discount price of $30. I literally almost cried.

I felt so incredibly lucky and blessed. There is still good in the world. 

Because you know Wal Mart wouldn't have cut me any slack on the ridiculous costs of medicine. They would have just been like "That'll be $248.32." with zero expression on their face and I would be horrified at the outrageous cost of drugs in this country without insurance. Of course had my mom not lost her job because of this LIE we would still have insurance and this wouldn't be a problem. 

Alright I'm going to bed. Still can't find my DS which is frustrating and I'm hoping it turns up when I start packing more. Last shift tomorrow at jcpenney from 11-4-- little five hour mini shift and I'm DONNNE. I'm going to meet up with my friend Chad and we're planning on grabbing coffee and a bite to eat before I have guitar at 5:30. Music Machine still has my instrument and tomorrow I'm gonna owe them $30. This is something I've been putting off all summer but damn, now I am wishing I would have done it sooner because all my money is getting draaaained here at the last minute.

peace.

Thoughts on death and reincarnation.

I feel at peace. I've been thinking a lot about reincarnation lately, and I think I understand my beliefs now on what happens after death. I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus is our savior, but I feel like our souls on this planet are used again and again. I feel like we are one being that God created, and as time goes on souls go through their lives and when they die they go up to Heaven to be judged. I feel like the judgement is that if God feels your soul is ready for the next stage of life... whatever that may be, I don't know. Probably much better than what this world is. Or not. Maybe it's not better or worse, but just different.

Judgement of our Soul's preparedness for the next stage of life...

But I feel like when God judges you he is more judging the maturity of your soul. How much intelligence does this soul have to it's own existence? Did this soul live a fulfilling life and succeed what he or she felt he needed to accomplish?

Or did the soul live a sad life of starvation and hopelessness under the evil and unfairness on the planet?

Maybe the person died young, never got to experience love, never had fulfillment as a human being. 

 I feel like these souls are immediately reincarnated, rather than judged because they never got a chance to experience life. 

But for those that do go through life with fulfillment in what they do, an awareness of who they are, they experience love (whether in another person or in what they do).. It doesn't matter what culture people are from necessarily, everyone has their own standard of living but emotional maturity and fulfillment as a human being translates into all cultures. I feel like THESE people stand before God and make a choice, do you go another life on Earth, with all it's uncertainties and challenges, or do you move on to the next world, not knowing what's ahead. 

Because you think of all of the millions and millions of people that lived before us. How different we all are, it's incredible to think about. I'll watch documentaries of people that lived through World War II, all the Jews that were treated so horrendously and lived their final months fearing their lives. Then you see all the Germans that were living their lives so happily in what their government was spewing to them was the "Right" way to be, and the lying propaganda that stated that they will stem future generations of the Aryan race. This of course didn't happen, but these people for the most part lived out their lives when all of those thousands of Jews didn't get the chance to live theres. Regardless, they are now all dead. Do these souls that had such horrible fates get a second chance?

I hope so. I like to think that I lived previous lives and that my soul is doing it's last go round on Earth. I'm afraid of death, I feel like I think about it more than people my age. I feel like there's some part of me that REALLY wants to get the most out of every single day, have the most fulfilling life I could possibly have. I feel like if I have had past lives I've somehow done well to have earned this one. I have an incredible amount of opportunity that people around me don't have, and I feel blessed by it every day.

Bad souls. What do I believe happens to bad souls like Hitler and Kim Jong Il when they died. I believe they were brought before God and instead of going to Hell, were sent back to Earth reincarnated into a human in the most horrendous of circumstances created by their own reign. I suppose only then could a terrible soul like that get insightful about the pain he had caused. Not that I'm suggesting that there's time travel in this reincarnation cycle. I just mean the evil soul would be then reincarnated into the rubble of the disaster that they'd caused. Or maybe they don't get a second chance at life at all. 

I feel like we are who we are from day 1. Our looks reflect our environment, heritage, age, and things we've experienced in life or even things we stand for, but it isn't always an accurate reflection of our souls. I feel like  looks do tend to match personalities well, however. Certain characteristics in personalities tend to match certain attributes, you could say. Of course there are exceptions. 

I'm always trying to make sense of the world around me now that I'm getting older and trying to figure everything out and make the right choices before I let something stupid happen. I suppose this is just my little piece of spirituality. I don't know what religion this holds similarities too but I know that I'm a Christian regardless of my beliefs on reincarnation.

But religion is funny, when I see how much dictation there is with religion I find it hard to trust. Power finds ways to control people. 

peace. 

Their carelessness made yesterday one of the worst days of my life.

Yesterday began so miserably it's going to be hard to go into it once again, but I'm going to explain everything that happened to preserve this.

At about 3 am my sister got up to do her morning shift at 9th Street. She got done at 3:45 AM or so and went to the door and let in Miranda. She seemed scared and almost banged her head on the door to get inside, according to my sister. At 5 AM, I heard a horrible screaming from my Mom from the kitchen window. I was scared to hear her scream like that and I thought maybe there was an intruder in the house. I quickly looked out my window to see if the van was parked right outside my window so I'd have a place to jump if I needed to run away.

I quickly got up after yelling, "Is everyone safe?" I had heard "They've got Tabitha!" and quickly put my clothes on. During this time I heard a loud BANG that seemed to silence the neighborhood until my mom started screaming again. There were two dogs that I didn't see exactly but I got the descriptions and can give you somewhat accurate pictures.

A full sized Great Dane. My Dad ended up shooting it and it yelped loud enough that both the Great Dane and the pit let go of Tabitha and ran off.

A blue coat pitbull. Note that none of us knew anyone owned a pitbull in our neighborhood. Usually pitbulls are limited to families in Green Acres trailer park, if we had known these ferocious, full sized dogs were living down the road there's no way in Hell we would have let our cats in at night.

The pitbull and the Great Dane tag teamed my poor, defenseless, elderly cat that was minding her own business in the backyard. She had no idea what was coming when the two dogs started throwing her in the air and ripping her apart furiously. They both had a grip on her and spun around in circles until Dad shot at the Great Dane. 

They didn't even kill her, my Dad ended up bringing the gun out before they could. We figured Tabitha was dead, but she was dying on her back in the backyard. We didn't know what to do, we were all shocked and crying, and my Mom had walked down the road, following the dogs when she realized they were the Mexican's down the road's dogs. I can't remember their last name, it's like Gonzalez or something. They moved there after the Linohans moved out and just officially bought the house, meaning they're there for good. Their fence in their backyard was completely falling down because these dogs had tore it to shreds over time. 

These people used to own little yappy dogs. The ones that they'd let roam free around the neighborhood, some little chihuahua bullshit dog. Their dogs had been the ones that followed me and Mitch Missett around on Christmas break for miles and barked at us for hours. These are also the dogs that I'd try walking out to my car and they'd start yapping at me. I wanted to strangle that stupid dog. Apparently they did too because they got rid of those little dogs and bought two monsters that created a threat to the entire neighborhood.

Because apparently those big dogs had broke from their fence numerous times and got into the Cunningham's yard when they were just babies. As Blue (that's the pitbull's name, assuming he has a blue coat) got older he would actually go into the Cunningham's house and rest on their furniture and act super friendly with Mrs. Cunningham. Because of this, she had told her husband that she knew something bad was going to happen from these dogs if the Hispanic family down the road wouldn't stop letting their dogs roam around free. Unfortunately she never told us so we didn't use precaution about letting our cats out, and this disgusting tragedy that damaged our family had to happen.

I stormed down the road. My mom had been standing there hysterically crying and I knew I had to take control and show these people who the fuck I was and that there dogs were going to die. 

"Your dogs came into MY yard and killed MY CAT? What the Fuck is you people's problem letting those things run wild? Those dogs are DEAD! I will make sure those dogs are DEAD. You fucking people own your stupid Machismo dogs, why don't you buy yourself a damn golden retriever?" The Machismo thing was the only racially directed insult that I threw out. It is Machismo to own one of those things. People that are insecure and try to be macho and tough buy these stupid dogs that aren't even loyal to their owners. 

They kept saying "I'm sorry.." like dumbfounded idiots. You're sorry? No, you're not sorry until both of those dogs are euthanized so they can never terrorize again. I was so angry. I was furious, I wanted to make them feel horrible. I wanted them to know the pain I felt for what had happened. My cat was dying in our backyard and we had to wrap her up in towels and drive her to the pet emergency clinic in Pasco to get her put down. She was crying in my lap, looking up at me and I kept saying "It's okay... it's okay..." and crying myself. My mom had told me to calm down for her sake but I found it very difficult. She was in pain and I was in pain because there was nothing I could do. I sat there saying my last goodbyes and trying to be as calm as possible for her.

The emergency clinic put her down somewhat quickly, but it was an agonizing wait as we were given the options. We knew we had to put her down. She's elderly so we didn't know if she would be able to heal from all of her internal injuries as well as a broken leg. She was given an injection to ease any pain, then she was send to Heaven. They put her in a lovely burial bag, tied with a bow. 

We drove home, very sad and very angry. I had calmed down from all the crying, but I was also anxious and nervous because I realized we had no idea where Michiko and Marlow were (okay, even if Marlow is our kind of annoying stray I still care about him). I was hoping for the best, that they were just hiding out somewhere and they'd turn up eventually.

We got home at 7' or so and my Dad and I dug a hole for her burial. We put her next to Spanky. Spanky is buried under the boat in our backyard. That was the end of my three first childhood kitties, and I was devastated that her demise came in our own backyard, a place that she's always felt safe in the 13 years of living with us. 

I posted about this on facebook and got an extraordinary amount of responses from caring souls, many of which had a similar thing happen to them when they were kids (WITH pitbulls!). In fact my friend Chris had to witness his own cat getting killed by a pitbull and had an incredible amount of sympathy. I knew that this was a problem that is way larger than I'd ever imagined. 

Last year in the United States, about thirty dog bites were reported and 22 of them were pitbulls (I got this info from Dogbite.com yesterday). Just a few years ago the Cook family's pitbull ripped the cheek off their son. There is no reason these dogs should be living here, they're a safety hazard.

On top of that, they're ugly ass dogs. Hideous, with those tiny little beady eyes and ripped muscles for chasing after children and other animals. Mrs. Cunningham had told us their dogs used to prowl up and down the fenceline like bullies to intimidate the Cunningham's dog. Pitbulls pack up with other dogs, making them more dangerous than most breeds. They have a lock grip and twist and rip flesh to shreds.

Then why do people own them? Why would someone own an intimidating, potentially extremely dangerous dog? Well why do people own big guns and super flashy cars? To make up for their small penis, of course! That's all machismo stuff is! Guys are insecure about their small dicks so they have to buy this kind of garbage to make up for it. 

We had to play the waiting game after the incident. We'd called the cops they came to our house and he called Animal control. He'd told us that we needed to save the bill for the euthanization and give it to the animal control people. The cop had talked to the other family, who'd told them it was ONLY the Great Dane that was at fault. I was like, oh no.. Both of them are at fault, both of them need to die. 

Unfortunately, the animal control people did not stop at our house as they were instructed and went down the road and somehow the Gonzalez's weaseled their way out of their pit bull getting taken away and they loaded it up into a truck to take elsewhere so they can go visit it. Disgusting people they are, how dare they do that when it'd just taken our pet's life. Eye for an eye, both of those dogs needed to die for breaking an entrance into our yard and committing a violent crime on our animals. 

My Dad had tried talking to the animal control people but they were very rude and didn't give my Dad any straight answers, probably because they realize they'd made a mistake in letting the pitbulls go. We decided that though there wasn't much more we can do, we submitted a letter to animal control to forward to them requesting the money for the euthanization. The letter has details of everything that occurred, and I hope they feel extremely guilty.

Because it's there fault. It's not the dogs. Those dogs were doing what they do naturally, which is be savages.  It's in their nature, especially when they'd been ignored and held up in a tiny pen. The family had let the dogs roam free that morning because they were packing up for a camping trip. They'd escaped from the yard and came directly to our house where they tortured and brutally wounded my animal, which my parents both witnessed first hand. All because of the avoidable carelessness of these people.

I never want to live in a neighborhood where pitbulls are living. Actually if it was up to me they'd be entirely illegal. Everyone loves to claim, "Mine is so sweet, it'd never hurt anyone." If you wanted a sweet dog that had no real threat of killing someone why wouldn't you get an Afghan, a Collie, a pug, a terrier,... so many breeds of dogs that wouldn't do something like this. But no, because people have some need to have some badass dog that they believe will protect them. If you want a dog that will protect you, there are plenty of varieties of hunting dogs that are known for being both well behaved and loyal/protective to their owners. 

Because I've really yet to see a super loyal or well behaved pitbull. They always have a ton of energy and I feel uncomfortable that they might turn on you in a second. My aunt owns those stupid pitbulls. I always hated Lola and would push her away if she got anywhere near me. Mandy used to get irritated by this, she would be like "Oh she's just trying to give you love." Uhm. No thanks. I don't want love from that. 

Luckily, Michiko and Marlow are alive and well. Michi is following mom around like always and Miranda has been laying close. They both seem very happy to be alive, and I know that sounds weird to say about a cat but they've been super loving and calm. Miranda and Michi won't spend much time outside anymore, however. Miranda was actually sitting in my Dad's garage yesterday in the middle of the floor, which is completely out of character for her. 

_________________________

We got Tabitha when I was in the 2nd grade. We were looking for kittens because we'd gotten Spanky when I was 6 (which worked out great) and my parents thought my sister and I were responsible enough to handle a couple more. We went into the vet clinic and I remember the glee I felt when we saw the large cage full of little kittens. They were all meowing to get our attention, but there was one in particular the meowed the loudest and climbed up the highest and it was a little average sized, fluffy gray Tabby. 

I immediately wanted to see her and the vet got her own for me. She was so loving and happy to get my attention that she sat right on my lap and nuzzled against me. Little did I know this continuous nuzzling and rubbing would continue for the next fourteen years because we think she might've been removed from her mother too early. 

My sister chose the one orange one, who ran away scared and they had to get him out from behind the plant. My mom was trying to convince me to look at Tabitha's less-friendly sister that was also sitting in the cage but I wasn't interested. Tabitha seemed perfect and we adopted her. 

We got them home and let them roam around in their new environments. I loved Tabitha so much and helped take care of her. 

In her adulthood Tabitha was very easygoing and laid around for most of her life. She liked to nuzzle on people and was very popular with guests that would come to our house. She liked to hunt and was the best at catching birds. She never welcomed new cats much, but didn't bother them either. I do remember her getting pretty mad when Sadie came (the terrier) and used to whack her in the face sometimes with her paw if she got too close. It was funny because it never hurt Sadie but she really wanted to be Tabitha's friend.

Tabitha and Spanky were close, and sometimes you could catch Spanky licking Tabitha's forehead and they'd lay together on the back porch. It was very cute. For the most part, though, Tabitha minded her own business and did her own thing. She didn't ask for much attention but occasionally I'd sit down and pet her if she didn't seem annoyed by it. She didn't really seem to care for getting pet much but I think she enjoyed the attention from people. 

It's a shame that she met the fate that she did, and she will be missed.

~

Happy 4th of July everyone. I'll write about that tomorrow, today should be interesting. I've gotta get some practice done. I've been sitting here for a couple hours waiting for my mom to get me something important at the store which we NEVER have in my house because my sister uses them all. Ugh, so frustrating. 

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon with Katelynn and we saw Men in Black III. It was stupid but it was nice to get out for awhile and spend time with her and Alan. It helped me get my mind off things. I'll be watching the fireworks show here in Benton city with them tonight and also stopping at her mom's friend's house for a BBQ. I'm sort of sad that again I'll be watching the fireworks show without anyone to cuddle up next to. I remember hoping last year that things this year might be different, even if last year I had an amazing time with some girl friends. It was just a *little* spark of hope that didn't come true again but hey that's life. I'm going to have a good one this year, too.

peace. 

The power of manipulation.

I'm not saying hippies are dangerous, but I just watched the greatest Helter Skelter documentary EVER on Netflix and I'm now much happier that I won't be moving into *that* environment. A place with a high concentration of neo-hippies, that is.

The title is "Six Degrees of Helter Skelter," which I thought I'd seen before. It's a very well made, non-discriminant toward either side crime documentary. The director and narrator named Michael Dorsey covered a play by play of exactly what happened on the night of the horrendous Sharon Tate murder as well as the LaBianca murders. He took us to the many locations of the events that took place that night, whether they're still in tact today as they were in the late 60's or otherwise. I feel like even if I knew a lot about these cases, I didn't actually get the truth sans the glamorization until watching this documentary.

Because honestly, even if Helter Skelter the book they barely describe the interactions between the residents of the Tate house the night of the murders, such as the important detail that there was no party at the Tate residence that night. Actually, Sharon had wanted to go home because she was so cranky that night and wanted everyone to leave. Sebring was talking to her in the back room near their fireplace when the commotion had started. Such a good documentary, I'd highly recommend watching it if you get a chance.

The case is so infamous and fascinating to me because it marks the end of the hippie movement. Living free and the innocence behind it was dead because of some streetwise, manipulative criminal that had been in jail most of his life before coming out into the Height Ashbury district. The setting was set perfectly for Manson, who wasn't really a hippie himself but did have access to drugs and minor Hollywood connections. He wasn't a very good musician, but the drugs he gave these kids made them fall for his ideology.

I can't help but think more about their lives at Spahn ranch before the murders. Before Manson had the teens completely under his spell and convinced of the impending "race war," I'm sure they had to of had a great time. Patricia Kremwinkel actually explained in one of her interviews that Charlie had let them live in this fantasy world, more or less, at the ranch. They would pretend and "Escape time," because Manson taught them that time was invented by man and they had to escape it to be free.

At the beginning they were living on Spahn Ranch playing pirates, running around on drugs and spending time down by the creeks at night. I will not lie and say that doesn't sound like fun and I think many young adults, even today, would take up an opportunity to experience this. Insecure young people that don't know where they are going in life are probably the most easily manipulated people I can think of. They wanted to stand for something, not work like their boring parents, be free. It's all very understandable. So I don't like how in the mainstream media the Manson children are oftentimes portrayed as this psycho cult from the get-go. It really wasn't. 

These kids were experiencing a sense of self from Charlie. They knew that without Charlie this lifestyle would end and they didn't want to go back to their boring lives with their parents. The recipe for manipulation is to have one person that gives another person something they want, which in this case for the kids was acceptance and a "Family." Because Manson was the leader of this, they were willing to do whatever they had to do to continue living this lifestyle and follow this ideology, even if it meant killing many innocent people. 

I feel the power of manipulation comes from emotional intelligence. Though I don't consider myself a manipulative person per se, I am not easily manipulated myself because I understand how it works. If someone has something that you want or if a person has something they could take away from you at any second, they have power to manipulate you. The more this manipulator gives to it's subjects, the more the subject becomes likely to do what the dictator tells him or her to do. To understand this really is the best way  to be freed from most manipulators in your life, and it's unfortunate that because this exists it's almost certain that some sketchy soul like Charles Manson will again rise to the surface and dictate a bunch of young people for their benefit. 

That's all I really have to talk about. It's 2:00 PM, had to pick up my Mom from Enterprise car rental and I've already practiced for two hours. I might be seeing Koty Cline today and we're going to jam for awhiile. He could be a lot better than me, I have no idea, but I now feel I can hold my own enough to not make an ass of myself. Who knows if he'll be able too actually do it though. I could use a friend over, I'm a little bored. I'm probably going to mess with guitar pro for the next hour (or until Koty texts). If he doesn't text I'll play the Sims. No, maybe I'll play the sims first to give my hand a rest. I might even make a knock off hippie family. 

My mind is interesting.

peace.

The idea of Purgatory, the afterlife, spirituality...

The party was so much fun, we had an excellent turnout, and I had really nothing to worry about. Graduation also went very well. It's 12:19 am, I've almost been playing my guitar nonstop since I got home at 3 pm, aside from some eating and a little exercise. I should really go to bed soon. I will talk about everything fun that happened yesterday tomorrow. . . Actually I have a LOT I want to talk about, I'd love to write out and highlight some of my old experiences the past couple years and reflect a bit. But not tonight. Instead I'm going to talk about something completely out of the ordinary.

I ended up getting hooked on this anime called Angel Beats. This is the first anime I've watched since Sailor Moon about a year ago. Anyway, it's about these highschool aged kids that are living in purgatory after living unfair lives and they're trying to maintain this existence fighting God. It's a really trippy and very sad idea for an anime series.

The idea of purgatory is very sad in general. If you don't know anything about it, it's an idea that isn't talked about much in the bible but is one of the many theories of what happens when someone dies. Basically, it's the idea that when you die, you go into an alternate reality that's not living nor dead. You're in this limbo; which in this anime is perceived as being a dreamlike impersonation of real life. The idea of purgatory can also be looked at as the idea that when you die your life "flashes before your eyes."

In this anime you have a cast of these real "humans," these kids that died and now they're in this purgatory world. The main character is a guy that doesn't know his name or how he died. These humans rebel against this Angel that hangs around trying to take them out of purgatory. I just think it's such an original idea. That, and the music in the anime is not bad at all. The animation itself is good too. Actually brought me to tears a little bit, twice.

This really made me think about purgatory though. Could it be real? Between Earth and Heaven is there a purgatory that we live in and live out all of what we dreamed of living on Earth? Or maybe purgatory would be just like a dream where you don't realize what is going on but get a better understanding of why things happened the way they did. Maybe you learn the truth of all the mysteries in your life. It's a theory I will hold onto as a valid possibility. I'm not a religious person but I like to be spiritual and ponder these things.

Because when you think about it, we all live our lives trying to fear the inevitable. We're all going to die. Every single person you see today will die someday. Everyone will experience horrible events in their lives at one point or another. You know you see these people that go completely apeshit on TV and blame it on the fact that they lost a loved one and spun out of control. Well, everyone in their life loses a loved one at one time or another. It's a sad thought but it's the truth and once I've faced that, I've found I live with much more peace and happiness in my life because I think about every day I'm alive.

I literally thank God for every day I live on this earth because I see how the rest of the world lives and I feel absolutely blessed. Everyone has problems. I have my fair share of problems but I really couldn't be happier with my life and where it's headed then right now. I've just gotta try to not somehow fall apart or burn out in the next couple years. Nope, don't see it happening.

Drugs are a huge fear of mine. And I mean hard drugs, like meth and heroin. I see how it takes ahold of people's lives and destroys them uncontrollably, and I worry that when people see marijuana they think it's the same thing. I'm not even kidding, there are some people that classify all drugs the same way because they're completely oblivious to the different types of drugs. That makes me sort of saddened that people might think less of me when they find out that I smoke, but there's nothing wrong with it I feel if you do it in the comfort of your own home.

But I'm not so worried about what people think of me as I am about somehow getting addicted to them. I know that's a stupid thing to worry about, like "Well then never do hard drugs." I don't plan on it, ever. I actually never intend to do anything "drugs" aside from pot. But people are manipulative. For people's safety I think it's important to know how not to be manipulated by others.

I'm going to bed, shoot. Completely unrelated to anything else on my mind lately.

peace.