I have all around had an epic week.

This week has been SO stressful but I'm so incredibly proud to say that I survived with flying colors!

The accounting test... was extremely hard. I thought I'd be getting a low C. Granted, I studied the formulas, did all the homework, but nothing prepared me for like three of the problems on that test. I had come to class first thing at 10:00. I sat down, feeling calm and confident from all of my studying I did before. The second I looked at the test, I felt nervous because most of the problems focused on differential costs and sunk costs versus just making business decisions like to add or drop a product line. I put in a very fair amount of effort into each of the problems, and made sure to very clearly define what I did know.

The back page however, which was Chapter 15, was a snap for me because I had studied my flash cards. I looked over the test quickly. With accounting, you either get it or you don't. I accepted that I would not have the ability to do a couple of the problems because I hadn't studied that material. I knew what a sunk cost was... Two of the problems I literally had never seen before.

He sends us the test grades. I looked at mine using the last 4 digits of my student ID for security reasons. I scored a 102%... I got the highest grade in the class. I was absolutely shocked out of my mind. I thought, there must be some sort of mistake... What if that's actually someone else's grade. But then I thought, maybe hardly anyone in class did the problems that I did wrong correctly so he let us go from it. I'm not sure what happened, but I triple checked that THAT, indeed, was my ID number, and yes, I got a 92% on the test and the 10 extra credit points from doing all the homework. I am so proud of myself, I will almost definately get a B+ in that class.

I took a math test today, one of my last in my life. Daniel and I studied for it for the second time last night. I think I certainly did okay on the test. I had calculator problems but I will almost certainly get partial credit for the amount of correct steps that I did do, such as labeling the asymptotes, intercepts, etc... Montgomery has been so helpful. I brought the test up and asked if he had the study guides. He told me to just look for the old tests online and the answers are located there. I'm pretty sure both of my finals are on Friday. I need to make sure what time exactly.

Daniel has been very helpful. He did admit, however, that my calculator has some strange deficiencies so I get very wacky graphical results. I'm going to be happy to be done with pre-calc, but also thrilled to now have more confidence in math. I mean I've made it this far, that's much further than anyone might have expected from me... I mean I think back to sophomore year in Mrs. Prior's class, sleeping on my desk. Getting D's and blowing through Mr. Harris's homework without even nearly understanding the material.

Thank god for teachers like Mr. Dickman and Mrs. Haines. They were the math teachers that made it so that I am now able to do college math.

My 6th grade year I had taken Mrs. Thomas and I was stuck with the "smart kids" group. They were the typical kids in my class that did well in school, like Mikayla S., Chelsea E., Hailey H., Jake, Emily D.... This same group that I was sort of half on-half off with. Because I wasn't a bad student. I tried hard and turned in quality work... well when I could GET it in. I was terribly disorganized growing up. I'd throw things in binders and use random pages. I wouldn't keep notes, teachers like McCue and Herman would hate that.

They used to categorize us in middle school. There were the smart kids, the "happy averages", and the lower kids. Isn't that sort of how it is in society? Anyway, it was painfully obvious to me because I would be mixed in with each group in subjects I was weaker in. Those kids would predominantly stay together throughout the day and many cliques were formed in this way, with exceptions of course. They also really segregated many of the Latino students into ONE classroom instead of three or more classes throughout the day. I imagine that must have been slightly embarrising, especially when many of them really belonged in the higher English classes (or "Honors English", where I was always placed.)


My math experience... 

I was actually originally placed in an honors math, in 6th grade. That was a nightmare because Thomas just couldn't figure out why I couldn't keep up with the other students. Well, because she was going way to fast for me, wasn't explaining things in ways I could understand, and we were using stupid accelerated math. Thomas used to send me into a small classroom with Gerrick, embarrassingly enough, to try to catch me up. It wasn't happening, I wasn't particularly good at Math even if I could hold my own in my other classes. Thomas passed me, May lord have mercy on that child's poor soul.  6th Grade I had spent the entire year with that one group, the "smart kids." Though I felt at the bottom of the barrel because of my lack of organizational skills and by the end of that year my confidence was a little shot.

7th Grade was different. I was with the "smart kids" in Isley's class, which originally full and I got stuck in Vickerman for my homeroom. Vickerman's homeroom was all loud, happy averages. Displeased, I was able to switch over to Isley's homeroom which had a lot of the kids I also went to Band with. If I was not in their homeroom, I wouldn't be in the loop of things. I remember sitting next to Jennifer W. and she'd always make me feel very stupid. I look back on all the extremely hard work she used to do. I wonder if it paid off well for her.

I took science with the "happy averages," you could say. The kids that weren't really at the top academically but passed their classes. But then in Dickman's class, to my surprise, I was with the lowest of the low. I remember being surprised that this is where Thomas sent me... But I'm so glad she did, that's where I needed to be, not in advanced math what so ever.

Dickman's methods were extremely clear to me. He would use step by step problems on the white board, assign the homework, maybe use a real life scenario or two that the problems could be applied too, and we'd go. I'm pretty sure at that time before I'd taken his class I was extremely behind in math. I learned NOTHING in Thomas's class, then hardly anything in Harris's class. Luckily Harris liked me as a person and had no problem letting me through.

Then onto highschool, Math 1A was alright, I probably got a C, even if most of Prior's methods didn't make much sense to me in the same way Thomas didn't. I passed 1A but completely failed 1B my Freshman year. I felt insecure about having failed, and felt like I would never get it. Mrs. Haines was a whole new kind of math teacher. She was extremely sweet, she would teach her class with extreme patience and show respect to every student. She would stay after class to help students with whatever they needed.

I tried so hard in that class because I didn't want to let her down. I got an A in her 1B class and I was incredibly proud of myself to get that confidence back. Then comes Zehnder. I took integrated math II with her and had to really fight to do well. I'd sometimes stay after class or come before class to get help on problems. Her voice was very monotone and hard to not fall asleep during a 90 minute class period.

At CBC I took my first college math, Math 96, with Professor Z., my friend Michael Z.'s father. Some nuttiness happened in this class. Practically everyone in class was a pot head, more than anyone my friend Josh. I had a crush on Josh from the previous quarter when his friend Tyson and I had a technical writing class together. Tyson used to show up to the class completely blazed every day, and Josh and Tyson liked to smoke. Tyson described to me that he gets straight A's even if he smoked every day. I sort of scoffed at that, but didn't tell him.

Josh had a girlfriend. Yeah. He still does have a girlfriend.

I kicked ass in Math 96 because it was really easy. Pretty much just introduction to algebra and doing the basics. Little bit of introductory factoring. Zhang was such a trooper to deal with that kid that used to stick his hands in his pants the entire class.

..Anyway, uh yeah Math 97 I took online with Hassham over the summer when I was dealing with a lot of other craziness. That class was a real challenge because my only resource was the internet. I was practically teaching myself. I somehow managed to get about a 2.7. I was pleased.

Math 98 with Lambert was tough, it was the most difficult class I'd ever taken but Lambert was very helpful and this girl Kim M. inspired me to keep pushing forward as she put off all her homework until the end of the quarter. She was friendly and fun to BS with, as was this really cool guy named JJ that had these crazy dreadlocks. CBC itself was such an interesting part of my life. I really did get a chance to interact with a wide variety of people of different ages.

So now here I am! Almost done with pre-calc. It wasn't nearly as hard as my last algebra class. Calculus is a whole different style of math, it's more like puzzles. I'm pretty sure I've done really well, and I'm now much more comfortable in math.

I had lunch with my friend Reina today too, it was pretty good. Originally we were going to go Starbucks but we were feeling pretty hungry by the time we walked halfway there. I ended up getting a really delicious Korean Bento. 

I think I'm gonna get going, feeling a little lathargic. I haven't played any guitar today. Haven't really had the urge. I think I might actually play a little Sims THEN practice this evening. Sounds like a plan.

peace/ 

Winter break's coming up

Damn, I wish I would have asked his name...

I sometimes don't take hints or act quickly enough, and I think this is one of the reasons I've stayed single this long. I was standing in line today for book buybacks and this totally, totally hot guy got in line behind me. I had my books in my hands-- my precalc and accounting, and he was clearly staring at me. We made eye contact a couple times, I think I probably closed mouth smiled and kept walking, somehow anticipating the line to be longer. He asked me what accounting I was in. Surprised that he said anything to me, I said "252...you?" I noticed he was holding an accounting book as well. He responded, "A lot lower."

By then it was my turn in line. I turned and he sold his book back as well. As I left the line I looked over and wondered if he'd end up saying something else to me, and kind of wished I had asked his name before I stepped up to sell my book. I ended up getting $90 for my books, which I was stoked about. Apparently they only bought back 40 of the accounting 252 books and the rest would be SOL.

He walked away the other direction. There was some "Ware fair" going on in the SURC today but I really wasn't interested... I always feel so awkward in the surc. I don't really know anyone aside from these kids at the "Magic" cards table... which I would not fit into either and have no intention of trying. I have nothing in common with these people, either.

With cash in hand I didn't really want to look around at the "wares" people were selling, it all just looked like pointless craft show junk. I stopped at a table to rearrange some of my things. There were a guy and a girl sitting there. The guy looked like your typical out of shape, funky haircut, unkempt gamer. The girl looked normal enough so I debated if I wanted to sit down and perhaps strike up a conversation... At this time I was  putting my purse into my bag for the bikeride home.

Immediately I knew I didn't want to talk to these people when the girl opened her mouth and started being extremely loud and annoying, saying "Fuck!!" about three times in a few sentences. Realizing there was nothing for me in the Surc that day that would not be a waste of time, I left.

This school often feels a little like prison. I spend so much time studying and playing guitar in my room, especially lately that I have no guy that I'm interested in. There's someone I'm sort of into in the tri cities but what would the point of that be, it would just make me want to go home more often.

I don't know if I am REALLY looking forward to going home for the holidays, even if it is sort of the lesser of two evils in comparison to this place. At home I don't eat hardly anything because I can't stand the food my family eats. Here I cook three meals a day, I clean up after myself, and make sure I get the nutrients I need. All of my food is fresh and not passed the expiration date.

My Dad will make PBJ and leave a sticky mess all over the counter for someone else to clean up. It's practically impossible to keep up with because my sister leaves her little messes everywhere as well. 

At home... it's just processed junk foods, half the stuff in the fridge I have no idea when it was put there. Expiration dates don't bother my family. My Dad never wraps things properly, nor cleans up after himself so I'll go into the kitchen and there's crumbs and shit everywhere, like little globs of jelly on the counter...

The messes and not being able to find food to eat stresses me out and I end up taking it out on everyone else. I certainly don't feel comfortable, especially without my computer there. When I go home for Christmas break I'm going to have to make sure to bring my computer, which because it's a big heavy desktop computer, is a huge pain in the ass.

I choose to go home instead of stay at Central because there's at least stuff to do and people to talk to at home. I look forward to spending a lot of time with Katelynn and Samantha, thus I really put that $90 directly into my bank account and go easy on the spending the next week or so to prepare for all the driving around.

No matter what happens, I just want to make sure the panic attacks don't come back... They were pretty bad when I was at home, but if I have my computer there and a place to sit and practice I should be okay. There was no place to practice last time I went back aside from the kitchen table which is awful because my sister and Jimmy are always in the living room watching TV.

I'm just really hoping that with the medication and the self-therapy I will be able to just relax at home and have a nice vacation from Ellensburg.

I've got my guitar lesson in four hours so I need to practice as well as work on my math. Thus far today I've only done about a half hour.

peace. 

Feelings can be difficult.

It's been a long day. I really should be working on some math but I'm saving that until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go to math class, then spend the rest of the day preparing for my next math test on Friday. Montgomery gives us an ample amount of time to understand each concept and I appreciate that. Today I had to miss math because I was busy with accounting test preparation... yet again.

I'm lucky that both of my other classes really slowed down when this test became one of my top priorities two weeks ago. I am happy to say that's done now so that I can move on to finishing up these other two subjects strong. I have tried pretty hard in this math class, aside from the days that I probably shouldn't have skipped because I was up all night in near ecstacy the few times with Jed. Okay, I don't want to glamorize it that much... I guess you could say I was very happy to be spending time with him, and allowed myself to open up just enough to enjoy the moment before it was inevitably gone.

Subconsciously my heart is telling me that I want MORE of those moments... which I know in my mind is WRONG. He played me, TWICE. There's no forgiving him or ever being able to trust him again after that second time. That horrible week I was dealing with panic attacks.. to be honest Jed was the LAST thing on my mind, I was over him. But then all of a sudden he wanted back in.

I had talked to Ashley that day and she encouraged me to give him a second chance but warned that if he did it again, well, I guess then you know. She's right. I now know.

So thoughts of him are now pointless and burdensome. I don't want to think about him at all but somehow I still kind of keep my eye out for him when I pass his building or he comes to mind first when my phone goes off randomly. I want thoughts of him to go away... He's only brought me unnecessary pain and I hate him for it. I think he was the closest thing I've had to having any real feelings for someone since Jack... so it's hard. I cannot just pretend this is not still hard for me. At least in my blog... and the occasional facebook rant. In real life I can control exactly what I say and express to the outside world. I can act as aloof to what should be one of the most important things in a young girls life...

I'm going to save this video so I can listen to it tomorrow while I do my math. What I like about math is that I practice it and listen to videos at the same time, versus my legal homework where I really have to focus on the jargon and content. Luckily my legal class is coming somewhat easy to me now, I've really gotten the hang of these contract laws. 

Metiner said today that I presented the BEST case description that he's heard all quarter. Wow, I'm so honored.... I cannot even describe to you guys how proud of myself I am about this. I am so incredibly happy to have just remembered that. What a shame to have ended this day thinking about what doesn't really matter when I had something extraordinarily fulfilling occur. 

peace.

What the Buddha taught me today...

I feel empowered today.

I watched a documentary about Buddha today. Though there is no concrete evidence of the exact story of his life, what he taught about the pathway to enlightenment and understanding human suffering will be very valuable to me. I plan to read more about him later.

The Buddha himself was born in India to a rich family, and was basically bred to be the next major ruler of the country. His father adorned him with constant riches, women, anything he could ask for... for about twenty years. He said he was treated very "delicately" growing up, and was not exposed to the outside world to witness the pain and suffering witnessed by man in common society. It was not until his first time stepping into the real world that he saw the inevitable fate of all humans-- Disease, Aging and Death. He had witnessed human suffering.

Back then there was not much organized religion outside very ritualistic Indian practices established by ancient gurus that were said to be a hindrance on every day life. As society was changing many people began seeking spiritual guidance on their own by means of self deprivation to gain enlightenment. The Buddha did this himself, joining a group of other anoretic men and led by a guru performing near constant meditation.

The Buddha had starved himself to near death before finally leaving the group to seek his own personal enlightenment. He decided that without food, the body becomes so focused on sustaining life that an individual is unable to think clearly at all so yes, it should be okay to eat and drink.. He hadn't eaten in months when he sat down beneath a tree and meditated.

In this meditation he envisioned monsters, one of which symbolizes human greed. This monster did not want The Buddha to reach enlightenment because he felt it would change the world. He was offered extraordinary temptation-- such as women (I believe in the story it was the monster's daughters, I'm not entirely sure..) and power. He refused them, with the Earth as his witness.

In his enlightenment the Buddha realized that as human beings on this Earth we live in "suffering," but not necessarily "to suffer,"  but more like... We're never truly satisfied with everything, and even when we feel happiness it's momentary. Even the most beautiful grow old and the most powerful get sick. This is the one life we have and if we just stop and look around we can understand the beauty of the Now.

The "now" is your current circumstances. I look around my room and see my current "now." It might not be home so it might not be the most comfortable place in the world for me at times, but that is no reason to be worried. This is the school I'm attending now, again not perfect but if I learn to see the beauty in the simple things around me as well as try to better understand the human beings living around me I will live a fulfilling, happy life.

The Buddha does not give reference to the afterlife, and at the time he was alive people very much believed in Reincarnation. Though I believe reincarnation is a possibility in the mystery of life, I choose to continue to believe that God, or some creator, exists. I pray to God and my ancestors for guidance, but I have no interest studying what is believed to happen in the afterlife because that's not important.

What is important is to accept that we are given this life and have to make the most of it and fulfill whatever purpose drives us.



When I started having panic attacks I began seeking additional spiritual guidance because life was suddenly looking so grim to me. When you feel like you're going to suffocate from the sheer stress of the transitional period in your life everything around you seems pointless. Today I am as far away from that feeling as possible, I once again embrace my life for every day by working hard, eating well and trying to understand people from all walks of life.

Facebook allows me to meet and "study" all kinds of people so conveniently.

Well I'm expecting company. Just thought I'd share that. I studied a whole bunch today for my accounting final tomorrow, wish me luck.

peace. 

Your face looks famished.

Yo.

Today was a good day, got a lot of work done.. Definitely more than what I would anticipate on a Monday but that's what I have to do in order to validate skipping my legal class.

Wow, suddenly I feel panicked in writing this. I hope I do not associate blogging with panic, now, the purpose of this blog is to get me AWAY from panic. But maybe the feeling of being very inside my own head is what's scaring me. I'll turn on some happy music.

Anyway let's see, what I got done:

-Called the post office. Then ran down there.... 9:30 am. They jacked my mail so I called them and they told me they had my mail on hold. So I drove down there, and... somehow there was no mail there for me. I'm like, okay then why did you call me down here?
Okay, I shouldn't say "jacked my mail." In all honesty, I hadn't checked my damn mail box in two weeks, but don't tell my Mom that. Especially when I am expecting a somewhat important piece of mail. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure to check it. I need to start checking it at least once a week or I could miss out on some important things... My roommate never checks the mail so it's my responsibility. All of the mail that's come has been for me anyway.

-Finished accounting assignment. Sort of. . . I was feeling facebook-y after my math class, ate a bunch of food, and it wasn't until about 11:00 that I actually started on what I needed to get done. One of the problems was ridiculously long, but luckily Holtfreter didn't notice at all.
I'm happy to say I got full homework credit in that class, perfect attendance too. The same can't be said about my legal class, but unless he changes it tonight I've got 100% participation.

-Studied accounting flashcards for a solid 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go into the process of trying to better understand Chapter 12, do a few of those assignments, then probably re-do some assignments in Chapter 15 as well. That's going to take 2-3 hours but I'm going to divide it out throughout the day like today so that it's less overwhelming.

-STARTING to make a little progress on my math... I am still having a hard time getting my calculator to do what I want it to do, and apparently I have to get it set up properly for this thing called "vars" that makes no sense to me. I'm just trying to master these kind of problems right now.
I will probably need to seek outside help on Thursday. This will probably be the first and only time I'll go to the math tutoring center. I keep on talking about going there but usually by that point I understand the material to the point that I don't need it. I always hate this part of the math quarter where there's two back to back tests, it's a pain. At least I don't have to do that in accounting.

-Practiced for 70 minutes. I've gotten a lot better on Wherever I May Roam, but I'm probably not working on pentatonics as much as I should. I'm really not in the mood to do it tonight but tomorrow I'm planning on doing a solid 40 minutes of just pentatonics and working with the backing tracks.


So it's almost 10 and I've just been chilling now, drinking my tea. I only took one lorazapam today and one half Bronkaid instead of the two that I had to take the past couple days to deal with the anxiety. I talked to Seth F. today and he told me that he used to have hour long panic attacks and told me he could offer some suggestions with dealing with them. I hope that when we hang out when I come back into town for Christmas break we can talk about that so I can gain even more methods in dealing with it.

I'd like to say it's almost completely under control now. I described to Katelynn and my Mom that my mind is too fickle to stay focused on something as natural as breathing. I'll be breathing until the day I die, so why focus on it? But it seems labored breathing is the first symptom to feeling the panic attacks come on, and when I let them get out of hand my limbs tingle, my heart beats faster and faster and I believe there's something sincerely wrong. Almost like there is a lump in my throat and it becomes to easy to believe that it could get out of hand...

This is Kristin, she has schizophrenia which she she openly discusses on her channel, including some of the common misconceptions people have about schizophrenic people. This video in particular is about school anxiety, and I used to really like to listen to it because her voice is pleasant but now I feel I can actually relate to it. Panic is by far one of the worst things I've experienced (well, maybe not as bad as the years of depression I faced but it's pretty tough) but I'm lucky there's a vast amount of people that have gone through it as well that are willing to share their thoughts on it.

I can happily say I did not have any panic attacks today, though I did notice feeling the breathing sensation during my accounting class and wanting to get out of there quickly. Once the Lorazapam kicked in I was able to overcome this anxiousness and feel peaceful as I quickly jotted down all the answers to today's homework. That's what it's there for.

I'm pretty sure one of my first highschool crushes is now addicted to meth. Out of curiosity I looked up his profile on facebook and he looks quite... famished. I can't explain it, meth heads evolve into zombies over time, it's quite sad. 

It's about time for me to go to bed now. Goodnight everyone, I'm hoping by this time on Wednesday I'll be writing to you about how I did well on the accounting final and have nothing to worry about but I've still got some major studying to do before I'm ready for 10:00.

peace. 

I understand now what was wrong...

For a little while I had forgotten my sense of purpose, felt lost, and therefore felt panic because I wasn't getting happiness from the things that gave me a reason to live.

God put us all on this Earth for a reason. These are the things that will give me a sense of fulfillment, happiness, and therefore will no longer experience these panic attacks:

1. Study to achieve good grades. When I'm studying I will better relax.
2. Play guitar to achieve those goals that Jacob will help me set. When I reach those goals I will feel more fulfilled.
3. Spend time with all kinds of different people because God has given me the gift of understanding a wide variety of people...

That's all I have to say today.

peace. 

My tattoo!

Katelynn and I, as you can see the treble clef was done beautifully!

Today was slightly easier than yesterday.. when it comes to the panic attack's anyway. I did have trouble breathing a couple times but it was temporary. I took a Bronkaid which helps the symptoms significantly. I took one half in the morning and the second half at around 2' before I got my tattoo and that seemed to bring my panic symptoms to a practical halt.

It's a feeling of unreality, really. It's hard to explain, when you're going through panic nothing seems right even though everything around you is fine. It's something that I'm going to move past, one day at a time. Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. Each day is a finite amount of time where new and exciting things happen. I need to be excited to live and appreciate the small things instead of worry so much about the future. 

That's really what my tattoo means-- New beginnings, trying to overcome what I'm going through right now. I have an incredible support system. My mom, Katelynn, Ashley B., Brad P. ....And many, many more people that would be willing to take my phone call if I was struggling and help bring me back to reality. It also shows my lifelong dedication to music, of course. 

With this panic I haven't been able to play guitar as much as I'd like too... I'm sure Jacob would understand. I've only played an hour a day or so. Hey, any amount of playing is a step forward. 

The tattoo itself didn't hurt half as bad as I thought it would. I held perfectly still the entire time, it was a feeling of adrenaline that I hadn't felt for a long time. Yet I was calm, I felt so happy that I was finally getting it done that I didn't even take a break. Originally when he outlined the tattoo on my neck it was right below my hairline and we agreed that was too high so he moved it down just slightly to get the result you see above.

I don't really feel like writing much more. I've gotten a lot done this weekend, my family and friends are so supportive and I'm so thankful for that...

peace. 

Trying to get back to normal.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!


It's nice to be home... much, much less stress, anxiety, etc...

My Mom has has helped me out immensely by taking me to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed me Lorazapam. I now have something to take if I'm on the verge of having a panic attack but it makes me feel a little strange so I don't intend taking these very often. It's just a matter of not thinking about this and moving forward...

Today I'm planning on spending the whole day on the computer, playing my guitar and hanging out with my awesome family... And Jimmy.

Last night I went over to Samantha's house and immediately came out to her about the difficulties I've been having with my panic attacks. I was feeling very weird and unable to relax. Samantha is very understanding of what I've been going through and I know that she will be there for me no matter what. I talked to Shawn about learning to relax and he said, "I just don't care. There's no use in getting all worked up about something you can't control..." That's very true, that's what most people say, it's always just been hard for me to live and let live...

There are many underlying factors that led to this panic. Being worried about school, feeling isolated at Central, Jed telling me he liked me again and building hope about it then shortly being let down afterward...Just a number of things, more than anything though it was the panic of having another panic attack after my initial one back a few weeks ago.

So my biggest challenge is just to not think about it at all. Now that I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me (I went to the doctor's office and had a physical, everything looks very normal) there's no reason for me to worry. It's all just in my head. I just have to keep breathing... and stop thinking about breathing.

When I told Shawn about my almost near constant fear that it felt like my throat was closing up he told me, "Well it won't... Your throat won't do that." Logically I know that it won't, but that's always where I can feel the panic start. Then it moves to my chest.

I went over to Katelynn's house after Samantha's, and when I got there I took my 3rd Lorazapam half for the day. We smoked a little and it made me feel a LOT better. Smoking always helps me put things into perspective and calm me down, but the stuff that I was smoking before was too potent and made me feel even more paranoid then before.

So yes, very good visit with Katelynn, I always sleep extremely well on that mattress that she pulls out in the living room. Her and Alan are planning to move to different apartments over in Richland-- pretty close to Shawn and Sam, actually. That will be very nice.

I'm feel calm today. This has been a difficult few days with this panic issue but it's slowly resolving itself back into normalcy.

peace. 

Only one thing sets us free...

I'm not good at getting my guitar hours in on Mondays. 

Shoot it's just Monday, for some reason I thought it felt like a Wednesday. I'm just sort of zonked from my classes again, but I am proud of everything I got done today. First of all, I'm really starting to get these Chapter 15 equations on shares, so that's a major bonus to this alone time that I've had. I've been getting so much done these past few days, even if it's felt like a lonely road. Everything happens for a reason, I can't fight or force things.

Let's see, what I got done today--
1. Did my LAST legal assignment (Chapter 19)
2. A lot of flashcard studying for accounting...
3. Did really well on my Chapter 15 assignment after finishing that up this afternoon...

..What I really need to do is math. I just don't get it very well right now, Montgomery is going to help us out tomorrow so I printed out my homework assignments to practice during the class hour tomorrow. I'm really hoping that goes well, I don't want to end badly in that class but I'm having a bit of trouble in our current chapter.


Something else that's interesting-- I talked to Hannah B. for the first time in years. I actually came across her facebook a little earlier but didn't feel quite comfortable adding her when we hadn't talked in so long so I was  pretty stoked when she added me to see what she'd been up too since she left the tri cities. She appears to be doing really well, she looks pretty! I remember back in middle school she was "emo." That feels like such a long time ago now.

It's really nice, I've recently come in contact with a lot of people that I never was particularly friends with back in school.. Like now that we're all out of school none of what happened or how we might have perceived eachother at the time matters when we've all grown up so much and found our own lives... I try to see the good in everyone, though some people I'd rather not communicate with. Sometimes even if I wouldn't want to communicate with someone I just like them on my friends list to occasionally see what they're up too... shh.

I'm excited to go home, I plan to go after I get a good portion of my math done tomorrow. My parents would like me to take care of my doctor's appointments early in the week so we don't have to deal with them that weekend. I'm going to be so relieved to finally get some of this taken care of and see a professional about my panic attacks. It's been about a month since they've started.

peace. 

5 more days of naked skin.

Even if it's only 10:15 AM I'm going to write.

Nothing out of the ordinary will happen today. My to-do list for the day is:
1. Read the last legal chapter.
2. Math- 30 minutes of studying..
3. >90 minutes of guitar
4. Couple problems from accounting assignment.

Last night I started the Chapter 15 assignment and got a couple out of the way. God, I've been trying to practice these flash card but these formulas are very difficult to remember. So I'm sure I'll spend about an hour and a half-two hours on accounting today. I actually need to give some TLC to my other classes though because I've been slacking in law. I've got my LAST Cengage assignment to do today, as well as print the study guide. 

God, Jessika posted something just rude as Hell as her status yesterday. I'll post it:
I no longer congratulate anyone who gets engaged..instead i say good luck? no seriously. you need it

I'm like, haha okay jealous much? I honestly don't know many people that can act as repulsive as she does. It's like, yeah I'm sure your friends that have recently gotten engaged really appreciate your blessing, hahaha. 

A lot of people might wonder why I leave Jessika on my friends list if I "don't like her." Though I can honestly say I would never spend time with her again, I won't say I don't like her. I neither like or dislike her. But she is an inspiration for me. She's a "friendemy," the type of person that would take pleasure in seeing me fail... 

Which is just another reason I work as hard as I do. Sometimes when I absolutely do NOT feel like studying, I'll go onto the profiles of my "friendemys" and see what they've been up too or look at their photo. Typically doing so inspires me to study. So I'm actually thankful for Jessika, having had her in my life I now have one more reason to succeed. 

So for this reason, my few friendemys hold as much importance to me as my everyday friends/acquaintances. Jessika stopped being my friend (though we were never close) about the time I started getting good at guitar. She couldn't take that I had self confidence. Damn right. :)

...Because I do have confidence, regardless of the shit I've dealt with in trying to find a working relationship. It's sad to say I've always wanted one these past two years and I've just been mixed up with the WRONG men... Almost all of which I now realize are WAY below my league. Creepy mother fuckers that took advantage of my insecurities in 2011. Not anymore. 


Since the beginning of 2012 the guys that I've liked have been a BIG change from 2011 standards wise. I mean the guys that I've liked this year just haven't worked out because either A) I was leaving (like Josh K.), or B) Our personalities didn't "click.." (like Jason T.) or C) They're indecisive morons (like Jack O. or most recently this guy Jed...) God, the J names, hahahaha..

So that's actually an improvement from 2011. I know in my heart things will get better eventually. It's a matter of finding a guy who's good enough for me now. Not many guys can deal with having a girlfriend who's as independent as I am. It intimidates them. 

I don't care. All I know is I love who I am and what I've become with music...

This tattoo is going to be a declaration of that. Sometimes I don't even believe that I do play. Like I'll practice and even if it sounds awesome it's like I don't give myself the credit that "Yes, this is ME playing this..." Now that I'm getting into more improvisation I will be able to give myself more credit as a musician. It's something that will give me a daily reminder that..

This is who I am. In less than a year I can't believe how far I've come, and sometimes I think how fast it's happened is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time believing it. 

I believe I was blessed with much of the same makeup as my Grandpa Dennis Brown's brain. He played  guitar as well, and according to my Grandma's friend Mark he learned extremely quickly... just like me! He also loved history, knew an insane amount of information that's... sometimes not entirely relevant to everyday life but he still took the time to learn it. Again, that's just like me. 

He lived stoned. He had panic attacks. He was loved by many. He was Jewish. I miss and think about him almost every day and it makes me tear up just thinking about him now because he's given me so much in life. Even if he passed away when I was in the 5th grade, I feel like he's living on with me in spirit.

When I have trouble sometimes I will pray and ask my ancestors to tell me the right answers to my problems and give me guidance via intuition. Sometimes I will meditate, focusing my mind on the brain stem and my opening heart chakra. 

I will visualize my problems-- whether it's with guys, anxiety, whatever, then by opening my heart chakra I'm submitting myself to God and my ancestors to give me answers to these problems. Usually when I come out of meditation I know the right answer. So I believe in my heart that I am loved in alternate dimensions and that the spirits of those that have lived before me have given me an opportunity to live this life and they are willing to give me the answers if I ask. 

November was the month that my Grandpa passed away so this time of year can be very hard but spiritually I feel quite at peace. 

peace. 

Becoming a better chef : ) Beauty inspirations and more

I spent my entire day at home... either playing guitar and watching Netflix or cooking something. I must admit I had really good food today.

I believe I'm becoming a better chef. That, or I'm good at picking things out at the grocery store.. But I feel like I eat so good here and I've sort of developed my own "taste" in how I cook if you will. 

Here's a list of things I cook most frequently (in no particular order):

1. Mexican eggs. Eggs, bacon bits, chopped olives, salsa, fried tortillas

2. Tempura chicken. Chicken dipped in flour, then egg, then tempura mix. Served with rice and Asian vegetables.

3. Speghetti noodles. With parmesan cheese and butter. Served with piece of grilled chicken.

4. Grilled chicken thigh with Magic blend seasoning. Or "Saigon" seasoning. 

5. Grilled thin steak topped with chopped peppers. Marinated in Thai rooster sauce. 

6. French fries. Potatos and other starchy foods help prevent panic attacks, according to Ashley. I've been trying to eat bananas, too, and I haven't felt like I was going to have a panic attack all day.

7. Steak donburi bowl. Chopped steak and veggies over rice. Sort of inspired by bibimbap. 

I had a steak donburi bowl for lunch today, actually. It's such a pain in the ass to clean out my rice pot that I don't make rice half as much as I used too. I can't believe I used to leave those rice pots alone in the sink when I lived back home, how rude... 

Josie D. commented a recent post I made on facebook and offered to show me how to wave my hair in 15 minutes. I think that would be really fun. 

I love Emma Watson, she's always been sort of a beauty inspiration to me so I'd like to figure out how to do my hair similarly. 

On the opposite side of the spectrum, some suicide girls have also been beauty inspirations to me as well. 

peace. 

Why I trust NO man, I call bullshit. Endless bullshit.

Well, Jed screwed me over again. I'll explain in a minute, let me say the good things first....

 Here it is 7:35 PM. I'm lucky things don't bother me much because I've gotten almost everything I've needed to do done today. I'm super relieved right now because I originally thought my Chapter 15 test was scheduled for THIS Wednesday (when my appointment is scheduled) when it's actually on the 28th. Excellent, I have plenty of time to study for that test. Today I studied Chapter 15 for a solid hour and I intend to do another hour later. I've got NOTHING planned this weekend so all I have to do is study, relax and try to be happy on my lonesome once again... Fine with me, the stress from this previous week with this Jared-Jed situation has driven me close to the edge.

After my massive panic attack and talking to Ashley last night I texted to Jared to cut that off. I just basically told him I couldn't handle the stress of the situation, which is very true... I don't think I would have ever felt completely satisfied with Jared, at least not now-- maybe if he grew up a little bit. The age and maturity difference was just too much, even if it's just two years. I'm an extremely mature, intelligent 21 year old. Jared is an average, happy go lucky 19 year old. It just wouldn't have worked... He'll be fine, I'm having a feeling he's already pretty much forgotten about it and he's out having fun somewhere right now.

Jed though... Good God, today he made me break down into tears and almost have a panic attack because of his cruel way of treating me.

Yeah, I don't think I like this guy at all anymore... He still hasn't even added me to his f*cking facebook, like who the Hell does he think he is?

Let me re-hash what happened when he came over the other night. Nothing. We just sat together in my room, talked... He told me he was interested in starting where we had left off previously, I almost immediately forgave him for the previous experience and was happy he did.

This morning I sent him some message saying how hard it was to not kiss him, just something cute.. He responded "Lol well to be honest I think it's better if we just stay friends ya know. No drama or anything."

I'm like... Wow, what the Fuck, YOU initiated this... I just responded, "..So we're not going to spend time together then?" then "Ugh, again I wasn't expecting any relationship, I don't know if that means we'd be spending time together or what." No response...

I called my mom and cried, and she helped me realize this:
"And what drama are you referring too? Or imply will go on? I only recall you coming over here and pursuing me asking to puck up where we'd left off and now you're telling me there's drama? Like what's your deal. Lol I've been totally straight up with you and completely mellow, there must be some drama I'm not aware of."

The best response Jed could come up with was "Well you told me you got depressed after the whole thing ya know. Just want to avoid that."

I wrote, "Lol I think it's normal to be a little sad when someone you liked cuts off, but I was over it in a couple days and forgot about it. Yeah, I was sort of excited last night when you told me you potentially wanted to pick up like they were before; like cool I would like to continue to spend time with you... But now it seems you've changed your mind which makes me irritated because you're being indecisive and selfish. I don't know what you want, I just do my own thing, I happen to like you. You were the one that came back into my life and I'm confused now as to why.."

He didn't even have the courtesy to reply.

Whatever he told me today was absolute bullshit. The reason he's cutting off, or trying to, has nothing to do with MY emotions. He either found some other girl, or not... Seriously I don't even give a shit anymore. I think the messages that I sent him put him in his place. He probably has no excuse for his bullshit behavior now and is just choosing not to reply and in hopes I'll just go away again.

Well your wish is granted! If you don't want me you're not worth my time.


This weekend when I go home I'm going to get so many things taken care of that will further improve my quality of life. My parents are so, so good to me... I talked to my Dad on the phone today and he encouraged me on my accounting exam and told me that the answers to the formulas are always in what you're trying to find. He actually has a point, the more I conceptualize the easier it becomes. Even he understands this bullshit that I've been going through with men and has even shown some sympathy about it... My mom of course was there to help me today when I called, too.

I'm just so excited to go home...

What's going on this weekend: 

-Dermatologist appointment to get Differin on Wednesday at 8:00. 
My skin has cleared up quite a bit but I still break out and Differin will prevent that from happening at all. It will get me completely in control of my acne, which means I will get to spend less money on makeup. 

-Walk in doctor visit on Friday before my tattoo appointment (or after) to get perscribed Xanex. 
This will help my panic attacks. I talked to Ashley about it and she thinks it's a really good idea, as does my Mom and my Grandma Fran. Speaking of which I should probably stop over Thanksgiving to visit with Grandma, I don't know if that could create some potential hot water about my family eating at home... Or not, I don't think it could hurt. 

-Tattoo at Parkway on Friday @ 2:30
This is BIG, BIG, BIG... I can't believe it's finally coming! The only thing I'll have to figure out is the size that I want it. I'm sure we'll be able to figure that out at the tattoo shop. I'm thinking it's going to be about the height of a cigarette lighter, maybe a little bigger. I want it to be perfectly proportioned of course and in the perfect center of my neck. Location is of course crucial as well, God forbid it should be off center and have it drive me crazy... I shouldn't worry, these guys are professionals and they're going to do a beautiful job. And I'm going to love it and it's going to help me self esteem even more I believe. 

I'm now going to have a distinguished symbol that identifies me as a musician... Maybe if I have it long enough I'll start to believe that I am a musician from inside my soul. Sometimes I don't even know if I am... I sometimes find it hard to believe how skilled I've become at the guitar and it can only go up from here. 

-Seeing Katelynn on Friday.

-Seeing Samantha. 
I need to figure out what her work schedule is...

So I'm quite excited for this weekend. After this pain with Jed and panic attacks this week I want to be around the people I love more than anything....

peace.

Second panic attack, starting improvisation...

Today went well, I ended up getting done with everything I needed, even my math.

I did sort of crummy on my legal quiz, I only got a 63% which is the lowest score that I've gotten but the material right now is sooo painfully boring. We're studying contract laws. Honestly I could probably get away with skipping the next lecture because I've got the quiz done but I hope I can better understand this chapter and it'll help me on the final.

Guitar lessons went well today! Jacob gave me an MP3 of chords to play over with Pentatonics scales. He made me try it on the spot today, which was really hard to do because I'm always afraid I'm going to sound horrible. Luckily I'd studied the scales well enough this week that it didn't sound *too* bad, but I'm still looking forward to working on it this week. Jacob always seems to know exactly what I need to advance on the guitar. He also sent me a couple classical pieces to work on this week so that'll be fun. One of them is really easy-- Greensleeves, a song I actually learned for solo ensemble back in 7th grade. The second song is called "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desiring" or something like that. It's by Bach, and should be fun to play as well.

I had a really bad panic attack today. I felt it coming on, I was sitting down to study for my legal class and it came on extremely bad. I called Ashley and she talked me down from it so well.. She's such a good person to call for that, she knows all about the symptoms of panic attacks so she let me know that everything I was experiencing was normal.

This panic attack was particularly scary because I had really bad numbness and tingling in my hands. Ashley told me this was because all the blood was rushing to my brain because I wasn't getting enough oxygen. That being said, I should no longer smoke in high pressure situations... I had a lot of things I had to do today so I was pretty stressed about it and ended up smoking which probably was the ultimate cause of my panic attack.

I'm so excited to go home for many reasons.... First of all, to go to the doctor to discuss my panic attacks and get some Xanex to help get it under control. Secondly, I'm hoping to fill a prescription on Differin, my old acne medication that will help me better control my acne. It's still bad enough that I need prescription strength, it's just a shame it's so expensive. And third, getting my tattoo done with Katelynn!

It's going to be an excellent Thanksgiving weekend if I can get all this taken care of. I'm going to figure out what my finals schedule is so I can determine if I'll have Monday and Tuesday to study or not. If that is the case, I wouldn't mind just spending the whole weekend at home, study free aside from flashcards...

Alright well, I'm gonna work out and go to bed. Even with the panic attack it was a good Thursday. Tomorrow's laundry day.

peace. 

I feel like such a mooch at times.

I just checked my balance on my Sterling account. I got down into the 600's, which is not where I like to be, especially when I came here with $1,200 but that's life.. it's expensive.

I spend more money on food than anything, but I have to be careful of these extra expenditures that I don't really need. I think the best way to avoid extra expenses is to take better care of my stuff, try to use things in moderation, and try not to be wasteful. My second biggest expense is my guitar lessons at $80 a month which is expensive as fuck for me right now because I'm not making any money... And I hate asking for it.

I couldn't possibly get a job... I'd be impossible for me with the amount of studying that I absolutely HAVE to do to do well on my tests at all. Like I don't think a lot of people understand that school doesn't come easy for me, I have to study many, many hours to do as well as I do. I'm not someone that can "wing" tests, if I try to wing things I fail. My brain rarely instinctively gives me the right answers using common sense, I have to know it hours before I begin the test.

My body is fragile in a lot of ways... if I'm on my feet working for a few hours there's no way I would be able to come home and study. I remember when I'd come home from days at Rite Aid and I would just sit and play guitar for hours on end to bring myself down from the stress/exhaustion of the day.

That being said, my parents are pretty much paying for everything here.... So I live with an incredible amount of guilt and shame because of how my Dad makes me feel whenever I spend money. It doesn't even matter if the guitar helps regulate my emotions, I feel like I'm disappointing my Dad and using him even if it's one of the only things I spend money on.

Because I don't party-- I never spend money on alcohol. I don't really go out to eat. I don't buy clothes for myself and half my jeans don't fit. I don't rent movies or go out to the movies at all. I don't smoke cigarettes. I have never been to a bar. I rarely go out. I don't drive. Yet I'm guilty, guilty for being alive.

It's 9:46 AM. I've got a huge amount of work to do today.

blughhhhhhh

Here's my to-do list:

-Groceries (I have no milk and need a bunch of other things, damn it..)

-Pick up my Connection card that I left at boogie man....

-Math Assign 13.. Which I don't understand so I'm going to have to go to the tutoring Center for it after I get back from grocery shopping

-Legal quiz 

-Guitar for 2 hours...

-Then my lesson at 5:30 pm.

-Accounting formula flashcards Chapter 15

If I can get alllll that done, I would really like to see Jed this evening. Probably not, though, we'll see. I'm assuming he's busy too since we're now in

WEEK 9.

..which means we're really, really coming down to the end which means the hardest work here in the next couple weeks.

I'm kind of feeling nervous and anxious about all the shit I have to do today. Probably means I should smoke and get started.

Let's yell in the hallway like highschool.

Today's been quite a typical Wednesday.

The kind where I know I have the entire next day to get work done but I'm still contemplating if I should get some of that work done tonight. My brain always feels fried after my business classes. It's four hours of extremely dry material, what can I say.

I never really watched Fresh prince, but I enjoyed this meme enough to save this picture last night... 

I'm starting to sort of get the hang of Chapter 12. A guy came to deliver the new stupid accounting textbooks that we've been waiting on since the beginning of the quarter. He asked us if we preferred these new "custom" text books or the original textbooks, and almost everyone in class agreed that they'd rather pay a higher amount up front and being able to sell it back later.  Apparently this wasn't the answer this textbook sales guy was looking for, he stormed off after he realized he wasn't going to change our minds that the new textbooks suck. I mean we wouldn't of had this problem had we had the whole textbook in the first place. Anyway, I've now got my NEW accounting text book, with Chapter 15 that looks like it's almost all formulas.... whew!

Formulas are easy, I've just got to write down the formulas and practice them with flash cards over and over.  I just added that to my goal board for this week.

I had an odd run in with Jared today. I was sitting outside my law class and he walked by, not noticing me sitting there initially. I'm like, "Jared?" and he turned and immediately responded "I just texted you!!" I'm like, "What? No you didn't." He just kept walking, yelling back "YES I did!"

....What the Hell, how old are we, in highschool? ...Oh yeah. He texted me saying "Heyy" tonight, I responded Hello and I don't think he knows what to say. Lol. Yeah, very silly for him to be yelling at me in the business building where it's typically pretty quiet.... There's sometimes open classroom doors. That and I'm pretty sure it was an outright lie. Granted it's a white lie, but still, when it was so blatant and lame like, What? 

Katelynn's going to call me here in a few minutes when she finishes her pizza lunchable. The past week has been weird... every day here is a story for me, I swear. Someday I'm going to be so happy I wrote these entries so I can reflect on all the crazy crap I dealt with.

peace. 

Why are you trying to come around again..?

Jed texted me. Apparently things with this other girl didn't work out. Big shocker.

He asked me if I wanted to hang out tonight and initially I was very torn between if I wanted to or not. But then I thought, why not? He already made up his mind that he doesn't want any kind of relationship so that shouldn't be a threat to whatever Jared and I have going... if anything at all. He actually didn't talk to me all day so I'm kind of wondering if he's even interested. Jared and I had a really nice time yesterday though so I do not want to potentially ruin those chances by pursuing something with Jed when Jed doesn't even want an actual relationship.

We ended up hanging out, listening to music, whatever.. You know the usual that I would do with any of my friends. Because of the way that he's treated me in the past he is nothing more than a friend to me. Technically Jared is currently in the same boat, though from what I've seen it's leaning more in a direction where we could potentially end up dating if I get to know him more and we end up deciding that. I just don't know, there's still a major chance that things wouldn't work out with Jared either, I barely know him but he has my interest currently so it was weird when Jed suddenly wanted to jump back into my life.

Because I feel kind of betrayed by Jed. I feel like if I were to get back to what we were doing before I would start to get emotionally involved again when that involvement leads nowhere. With Jared he hasn't given any indication that what we're doing now couldn't potentially lead to us dating but Jed's already made it clear to me that he's not looking for anything... So what's he doing trying to come back around again?

I think I made it clear to Jed tonight that if he ever wanted to regain my trust again he would have to work harder than the next person... I cannot afford to get hurt again and if someone wants to be with me they need to put in some effort to show that they're genuinely into me as person or it's no cigar. I'm not going to deal with bullshit any longer.

I studied a bit today, not too much.. I'm starting to get the hang of identifying relevant costs.

Tomorrow I've got accounting. We're gonna be starting on Chapter 15. I should have probably read that this weekend. Maybe I'll make a goal to read that tomorrow before my class, just to get ahead of the ball because I know he's going to lecture on it. I slacked today, just a bit.

peace. 

Wow, best veterans day in awhile...

So low and behold, Jared is actually pretty interesting to talk to in person. I wasn't sure how our conversations would be when we were sober but I was pleasantly surprised. He came over this evening and we took a walk for a little while.

He texted me at about 11 this morning and we chatted for a few hours, which almost the entire time I felt like I was pushing the conversation forward by asking a bunch of questions according to his vague answers. At around 3, I said "what are you doing for dinner?" which he didn't reply to so I'm like "Or not. I'm just wondering, you never really ask what I'm doing so I don't know what to say.." which he responded that he's not a big texter. I'm like, what! You texted me first, you know? And the previous night when I'd said I was going to bed he's like "Why?" So I guess I figured he liked texting so I felt a little obligated to do so.

So here I am pushing this conversation for the sake of not knowing if he's planning on making plans or not. Because honestly you guys, when MOST men text is because they're trying to make plans, you know? Like the last few guys I've... I guess "dated," haven't really been chatty via text. It's just hard to tell if a guy wants to text or not, and the last thing you want to do is OVER text and make it seem like you're some "needy" girl. He needs to be aware that I have a lot going on.

He'd come over tonight and he saw my workspace and said "This is what you've been doing all day. Nothing." I'm like WHAT, NO! I've played guitar for FORTY minutes! Ha ha, to me that's absolute raw productivity. I also did a legal assignment so that was good. I'll probably practice my guitar, watch king of the hill and look at my accounting material simultaneously tonight.

I'm of course feeling sort of happy about this situation. I don't know what's going to come of it, he hasn't indicated to me at all that he doesn't enjoy my company so I'm hoping we'll spend more time together. That's all I'll say about it. I just can't push it.

He's a really sweet person, from what I've seen anyway. That's a plus. I'm hoping once I can open up more to him he'll be able to get my sense of humor. It takes awhile to warm up to that I guess. I think that's the best indicator that interest in a person will last is if they at least sort of get your sense of humor. Mine can be a little dark. I'm a little strange.

I showed him some of my old pictures. He knows about cosplay. He told me he likes going through people's photos, that's something we have in common. He also told me he doesn't like when food is left out which is just like me!  We stopped at Bradley's house to pick up my waterbottle and they were partying extremely hard last night I guess.

I think maybe I will post that picture to my facebook, we had a fun night. What the hell.

peace. 

Dreaming about Ponies? ..Interesting.

It's Sunday-Sunday-Sunday, everyone!

It's 4:00 pm. I've played guitar for over an hour today but didn't use the Pro program like I probably should be... instead I just watched communist China/Germany documentaries and vegged around. I did study a little accounting for about an hour. It wasn't hard to think straight today with little distractions around. I got a text from Jared this morning and we briefly talked. I thought maybe we'd kick it today for a little while but he seems pretty busy with his mom.

I'm going to be busy myself this evening when David Guzman stops by. I'm pretty sure we're gonna go out to dinner and hang out, catch up on things, etc. It's going to be really nice to talk to David because he's just as into music and the guitar as I am... and he's got many many years my senior so I'm going to ask him all sorts of things.

So yeah, super excited to see David. He's a really good musician and a good friend.

Speaking of friends I woke up missing Samantha this morning. I miss Katelynn a lot too, I posted to Samantha's wall that she should give me a call when she gets the chance but now I'm thinking she's gonna end up calling this evening when David is here and I'll have to postpone the call. Gah, she'll understand I'll just call her back later this evening.

 I believe I had a dream about Ponies last night. You know when you have a dream and you don't really remember it but then you see a picture of it and you suddenly get a "trigger?" I guess that's the best way I can describe it. So maybe the dream was really just a reminder that I missed Samantha or something. Sam loves ponies, haha, I've never watched an episode of it but from what I've heard from the fanbase it's sort of like Spongebob-- intelligent enough humor that a wide variety of viewers can enjoy it.

I just can't handle the Rated-E cartoon voices anymore. Don't get me wrong, I loved cartoons for YEARS... I mean I used to watch Spongebob while I ate my meals in the living room for years before we got DVR. I think that was my main switch from those comforting child cartoons over to the adult ones such as Southpark, Family guy and later, King of the Hill.

Nothing wrong with Ponies, though. It's actually a more respectable cartoon show because the creators actually interact with the fanbase which I think is very admirable. Maybe someday if I'm feeling trippy I'll watch it on netflix, it'd be nice to see what Samantha posts about all the time... I'd like to also get a better understanding of the fanbase themselves and why they're so drawn to it.

peace. 

Second time partying here, God ANOTHER J name, really?

I had quite an interesting night. I guess you could say it was my second time partying since I've arrived here. That's okay, I deserved it after the long week I had.

Yeah, after everyone had had about 4-5 beers (not me, I think I only drank one... I "babysat" my beer as they kept telling me again and again) Bradley took his clothes off. I have to make quick snapshots of my memories here. Bradley's like, "Don't post that on facebook!" But from what I've learned about him so far he probably wouldn't care either way. He'd texted me last night when I was studying accounting I believe around 3 or 4. I ended up not coming over until about 7:30 after I had dinner. 

I can't remember names very well. They two girls on the right and left were pretty nice. The guy in the middle is Jared, who's obviously cute, haha I'm not going to lie and say I don't find him really attractive. He's like 6'2, really nice bone structure too. Skyler came over and before this picture was taken we'd all been smoking hookah outside.

It was noticeably cold last night.. Like I'd say around 30 degrees, if not colder. Jared was wearing this thin ass windbreaker jacket with a thin t-shirt and he was really reluctant to ask Bradley for a jacket. Bradley of course has like 20 jackets or something. 

Anyway, we all smoked, drank some, hung out, etc etc... Jared was pretty obviously attracted to me so we ended up hitting it off. He's a pretty sweet guy, I'm sure I'm going to see more of him around. I don't know how much he'd been drinking when I'd shown up so our conversations last night were a little slow. I'd like to spend more time with him sober to get a chance to better understand him. 

I didn't tell him much about myself aside from the guitar thing. I rarely talk about my home life with people, like it seems really irrelevant now. I like that, it should be. 

I don't know what to say about Jared right now, he's very laid back. He reminds me a little of Josh F. in some ways.. He always seemed extremely interested in what I was saying. When we sat at the hookah table outside a bald guy walked toward our table and sat down. He was really wasted and had an obnoxious voice but hey, whatever. The more the merrier. Jared has a twin brother and a couple of his girl friends came with. One of the girls reminded me a lot of Lindy, really shy and playing with her hair a lot. 

Jared seemed kind of interested in her too while she was around, which gave me the impression that he was probably single. I don't usually ask people that straight out. That girl ended up leaving.

You know what cracks me up? This guy's name is Jared. ANOTHER J name. Come to think of it, all of the guys that I've liked have had J names except Connor and Chad. Guys that I've liked with "J" Names: Jed C., Jay W., Jason T., Jack O., Jared J., Josh F., James R... in no particular order. I was never actually in a relationship with any of them except for James R. which was short lived until Jack cut in. Those are pretty much all of the guys I've liked in the last two or three years, all of which liked me back at one point or another. 

..which is sort of a confidence boost that I haven't actually been rejected. Granted things just don't work out for one reason or another but whatever, I'm not worried about it anymore. 

So today I pretty much just played guitar all day and nothing else. My brain has felt fried and tired from last night so I haven't been able to push myself to study anything. I feel a little guilty about that because I really should have gotten something done today. Tomorrow I will FOR. SURE. Seriously. I have to start studying that stupid Chapter 12 again... Avoidable costs are so confusing, I need to at least try to redo the homework tomorrow and get started on the new homework for next Wednesday. We were supposedly going to get these new textbooks but what the Hell is the point at the last two weeks of the quarter? 

Alrighty I gotta get going, expecting a call from my mom this evening so that'll be nice.

peace.

There shouldn't be guilt in spending money on what you love

I've really been able to get into my routine here at Central, and I'm really feeling myself to begin to enjoy my life. My Dad and I got into an argument this morning, unfortunately... I called him asking if he'd put money in my account and he said he was planning to when he stopped by the bank on his way home today. That's always really appreciated. He asked me how I'd been doing, I forgot to tell him that I got a 96% on my accounting test. I probably should have.

..Should have told him about my accounting class achievement BEFORE I told him about the new expenditure, that is. I told him that I'd been doing really well because I was taking lessons with Jacob again. He's like, "What? How much is this gonna cost?" And I'm like, "$80 a month, but it's the ONLY thing that I do here.."

Then he goes into how he thought I was apparently going to get a part time job here and that this student loan thing has been more to pay than he'd ever anticipated and that he wasn't prepared for this. I then felt a tremendous amount of guilt for having started guitar lessons again, even though it's my money that I am paying toward it that... well, he's right, I probably shouldn't be spending.

Ugh, my heart is pounding so hard right now. I can feel it in my chest. I took one of my prenatal vitamins a second ago and sometimes the size of the pill startles me, like I can feel it in my chest and that leads me to feeling panicky. Gah, I wish I could just relax you guys. It's been getting better over the past few days though, mainly because I'm keeping my classes completely in check and haven't been feeling a tremendous amount of stress about school.

I got done with my Chapter 17 homework today. You know, I think I'm going to write out all of the homework I've got to do before the end of the quarter. I've got some major time this weekend without a significant amount of homework, maybe I could make life easier for myself for the next couple weeks and get some of this done early.

Legal:
-Chapter 18 homework (Due 11/14). I could read ahead this weekend and do this anytime. 
-Chapter 19 homework (Due 11/16). This opens on the 12th so I'll do this next Tuesday.
-Quiz Chapter 14/15 (Due 11/15). Another quiz on contracts, blegh. Contracts are so boring to read about but I'm getting through them okay. This is due on the 15th, but I could do this sometime this weekend and make things easier next week. 

That's it before the final.

Math:

HW 13 - Thu, Nov 15

Webwork HW13

HW 14 - Mon, Nov 19

Webwork HW14

HW 15 - Mon, Nov 26

Webwork HW15

HW 16 - Thu, Nov 29

Webwork HW16

Math is pretty straight forward. I don't think I can nessasarily work ahead on them though because I have to study in class to understand the material. No working ahead in that one, but I'm getting a nice break from it this weekend before we get our tests back on Monday. Like I said I think I did okay.

I'll meet logarithms again on the next test. Calculus has been a lot different than any math class I've taken. I can honestly say it's been easier than Math 98, much, MUCH easier in fact. We haven't done hardly any factoring. Most of the problems we've done in pre-calc have been like logic puzzles. Knowing how to move things around the right way to make x stand alone. 

Montgomery never makes his test problems that tricky. They're always very straight forward to the concept. It's like, if you don't know how to do the problems he gives you on the test, it means you didn't study the concept very well. I admittedly didn't study interest in my math class as much as I should have, so any penalty I got on the test for it will be well deserved.

I can't move my margins over and it's making me mad.

Anyway for my accounting class! Most importantly... 

I don't know what the homework problems are but I have to MASTER chapters 12 and 15. I am not going to post the homework for that class but I will say that this weekend I'm going to pound the information from those chapters until I get it. I got a 96 on my second test, so if I score high on the third I can still get a good grade in his class. 

Because I got a 60% on the first test and a 96% on the second, right now I am sitting at a 78%. That means if I get at least an 90% on the third... 

Lol QUESTIONMARK-QUESTIONMARK-QUESTIONMARK

I can bump it up to an 82% test grade. My goal is to get at least a 90% on that third exam. I can do it if I really try. 

I have no idea where that quiz grade that we took shortly after the test will play into my overall grade. This class has been so nutty, but it's really forced me to study and work hard. I think I'll take a lot out of it. 

That's all I really had to say today. Just getting ready for finals for a relaxing thanksgiving break. Excited to get my tattoo!!! 14 days until I've got needles in the back of my neck! 

peace.