made my spine tingle.

 It's been one of those days that the anticipation for something else has made me lazy. Right now I'm waiting for some water to boil, I'm going to make a great cup of tea and study statistics and economics tonight. Sometime this weekend I have to read that Speech book, seriously even if that class is the biggest challenge for me to pay attention to, I need to at least try. I'm sure that book can give me some really good tips on professional speaking...

I've really been trying to get the most out of that speech class. I know that it's going to help me out a lot in the real world because going into business you continually have to communicate with people. The lectures in that class are just awful though because I found that by this point in the day my mind is completely wrapped up in what I'd listened to or experienced earlier and it's hard for me to focus on something that seems less relevant to me because it's from the Comm major.

I should really be happy that I'm getting that opportunity to experience that class that's out of my major though. I'm having a feeling I'm going to meet a lot of interesting people in that class if I could just stop judging people. I know I mentioned the crazy fake tans in that class earlier. I have to try very hard not to do that because it only hinder's people's progress.

And there's nothing wrong with being tan. I mean look at this photo, if I were to get spray tanned on a regular basis that would be about the skin change difference. But it's expensive, lasts a short amount of time, and streaks everywhere... At least on me. 

I think I just associate it with bad times. Like in middle school where my Mom would try to help me present myself decently but I would end up with ridiculous looking streaky half-orange arms from tanning lotion. My Mom and sister have always been able to put that stuff on flawlessly but with my skin it just doesn't sit well. People have actually told me that my tattoo is fading and I need to get it touched up. 

....That makes my spine tingle, I'd like to go do that to feel the needle again.

Is that weird? I just really liked the adrenaline rush from getting a tattoo. I associate it with new beginnings, yet now my tattoo also holds the scar of a lost friendship.

Clint told me he's started talking to Katelynn again, so she's opening back up to people (Alan's friends). Except for me, clearly. That's her choice and I respect her for it, if she wants me out of her life I'm not going to bother her. I was just very worried about her so I was happy to hear that she's talking to Clint again because I want her to have friends. When she deleted me from her facebook she also deleted almost all of her other friends too (Al's friends) but I'd like to think that she's going to be friends with them again and everything will be normal in her life again. I mean minus me. 

I want her to be content. We have so much history together I will always care about her and it scared the shit out of me when she deleted everyone. 

peace. 

My tattoo!

Katelynn and I, as you can see the treble clef was done beautifully!

Today was slightly easier than yesterday.. when it comes to the panic attack's anyway. I did have trouble breathing a couple times but it was temporary. I took a Bronkaid which helps the symptoms significantly. I took one half in the morning and the second half at around 2' before I got my tattoo and that seemed to bring my panic symptoms to a practical halt.

It's a feeling of unreality, really. It's hard to explain, when you're going through panic nothing seems right even though everything around you is fine. It's something that I'm going to move past, one day at a time. Today was better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. Each day is a finite amount of time where new and exciting things happen. I need to be excited to live and appreciate the small things instead of worry so much about the future. 

That's really what my tattoo means-- New beginnings, trying to overcome what I'm going through right now. I have an incredible support system. My mom, Katelynn, Ashley B., Brad P. ....And many, many more people that would be willing to take my phone call if I was struggling and help bring me back to reality. It also shows my lifelong dedication to music, of course. 

With this panic I haven't been able to play guitar as much as I'd like too... I'm sure Jacob would understand. I've only played an hour a day or so. Hey, any amount of playing is a step forward. 

The tattoo itself didn't hurt half as bad as I thought it would. I held perfectly still the entire time, it was a feeling of adrenaline that I hadn't felt for a long time. Yet I was calm, I felt so happy that I was finally getting it done that I didn't even take a break. Originally when he outlined the tattoo on my neck it was right below my hairline and we agreed that was too high so he moved it down just slightly to get the result you see above.

I don't really feel like writing much more. I've gotten a lot done this weekend, my family and friends are so supportive and I'm so thankful for that...

peace. 

5 more days of naked skin.

Even if it's only 10:15 AM I'm going to write.

Nothing out of the ordinary will happen today. My to-do list for the day is:
1. Read the last legal chapter.
2. Math- 30 minutes of studying..
3. >90 minutes of guitar
4. Couple problems from accounting assignment.

Last night I started the Chapter 15 assignment and got a couple out of the way. God, I've been trying to practice these flash card but these formulas are very difficult to remember. So I'm sure I'll spend about an hour and a half-two hours on accounting today. I actually need to give some TLC to my other classes though because I've been slacking in law. I've got my LAST Cengage assignment to do today, as well as print the study guide. 

God, Jessika posted something just rude as Hell as her status yesterday. I'll post it:
I no longer congratulate anyone who gets engaged..instead i say good luck? no seriously. you need it

I'm like, haha okay jealous much? I honestly don't know many people that can act as repulsive as she does. It's like, yeah I'm sure your friends that have recently gotten engaged really appreciate your blessing, hahaha. 

A lot of people might wonder why I leave Jessika on my friends list if I "don't like her." Though I can honestly say I would never spend time with her again, I won't say I don't like her. I neither like or dislike her. But she is an inspiration for me. She's a "friendemy," the type of person that would take pleasure in seeing me fail... 

Which is just another reason I work as hard as I do. Sometimes when I absolutely do NOT feel like studying, I'll go onto the profiles of my "friendemys" and see what they've been up too or look at their photo. Typically doing so inspires me to study. So I'm actually thankful for Jessika, having had her in my life I now have one more reason to succeed. 

So for this reason, my few friendemys hold as much importance to me as my everyday friends/acquaintances. Jessika stopped being my friend (though we were never close) about the time I started getting good at guitar. She couldn't take that I had self confidence. Damn right. :)

...Because I do have confidence, regardless of the shit I've dealt with in trying to find a working relationship. It's sad to say I've always wanted one these past two years and I've just been mixed up with the WRONG men... Almost all of which I now realize are WAY below my league. Creepy mother fuckers that took advantage of my insecurities in 2011. Not anymore. 


Since the beginning of 2012 the guys that I've liked have been a BIG change from 2011 standards wise. I mean the guys that I've liked this year just haven't worked out because either A) I was leaving (like Josh K.), or B) Our personalities didn't "click.." (like Jason T.) or C) They're indecisive morons (like Jack O. or most recently this guy Jed...) God, the J names, hahahaha..

So that's actually an improvement from 2011. I know in my heart things will get better eventually. It's a matter of finding a guy who's good enough for me now. Not many guys can deal with having a girlfriend who's as independent as I am. It intimidates them. 

I don't care. All I know is I love who I am and what I've become with music...

This tattoo is going to be a declaration of that. Sometimes I don't even believe that I do play. Like I'll practice and even if it sounds awesome it's like I don't give myself the credit that "Yes, this is ME playing this..." Now that I'm getting into more improvisation I will be able to give myself more credit as a musician. It's something that will give me a daily reminder that..

This is who I am. In less than a year I can't believe how far I've come, and sometimes I think how fast it's happened is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time believing it. 

I believe I was blessed with much of the same makeup as my Grandpa Dennis Brown's brain. He played  guitar as well, and according to my Grandma's friend Mark he learned extremely quickly... just like me! He also loved history, knew an insane amount of information that's... sometimes not entirely relevant to everyday life but he still took the time to learn it. Again, that's just like me. 

He lived stoned. He had panic attacks. He was loved by many. He was Jewish. I miss and think about him almost every day and it makes me tear up just thinking about him now because he's given me so much in life. Even if he passed away when I was in the 5th grade, I feel like he's living on with me in spirit.

When I have trouble sometimes I will pray and ask my ancestors to tell me the right answers to my problems and give me guidance via intuition. Sometimes I will meditate, focusing my mind on the brain stem and my opening heart chakra. 

I will visualize my problems-- whether it's with guys, anxiety, whatever, then by opening my heart chakra I'm submitting myself to God and my ancestors to give me answers to these problems. Usually when I come out of meditation I know the right answer. So I believe in my heart that I am loved in alternate dimensions and that the spirits of those that have lived before me have given me an opportunity to live this life and they are willing to give me the answers if I ask. 

November was the month that my Grandpa passed away so this time of year can be very hard but spiritually I feel quite at peace. 

peace. 

Ha, one week and I'm out of shape?

Or maybe my body is really exausted because I'm kind of sick. I think that's what it is. Maybe it's not a good idea for me to be working out tonight, but I just had a big meal from dairy queen and I think some exercise can help rev me up for my study session here in a minute...

Didn't get anything done today. It's 7:00 and not one thing is checked off my list. Jed came over last night at midnight after he got done studying. We ate some brownies, watched netflix, had a really good night. I've REALLY got to get some work done tomorrow and I'm hoping if I get to bed by 11 tonight I can feel better tomorrow than I did today.

But yeah, Jed and I had a really good time. After we hadn't talked in four days I thought I'd text him a picture of a tattoo I'm thinking of getting..

Isn't that amazing? It would represent a beginning of a new transition of happiness in my life due to the power of music and how much happier it has made me. 

I really need to branch out on the guitar though. I need to start learning to play new songs, even if they're just easy songs.. Every musician should make it a top priority to learn a wide variety of songs. Personally I've always focused more on the technical aspect because the process of finding new songs can be very frustrating. 

Anyway when I showed him the tattoo he was over pretty quickly. He's sooo attractive, I absolutely love being around him. I can barely remember anything we talked about last night. I now know he has a younger sister. He went to school in Silverdale, which is sort of near Bremerton I believe. He likes food "with gravy." Ha ha ha, like I asked him what his favorite foods are and he said "like.. stuff with gravy." 

I feel like I've told him a little about myself but we've barely scratched the surface. There's a lot I haven't told him just because you want to put yourself in the best light possible the first couple times you hang out with someone. I'm sure there's a lot he hasn't told me, too. It'll all come in good time if we continue to spend time together. I'm secretly really stoked about the time Jed and I spent together, even if I'm trying not to be too stoked because you just never know. I want to play things by ear and not make him feel pressured in any way. I don't want to rush into anything but the fact that I know he doesn't want a relationship makes it hard to trust that he's going to stick around in my life. . . so I try not to get attached or even believe that he has genuine feelings for me at all. 

Anyway gotta get some work done. Feel like crap so wish me luck. 

Completely dismantled bedroom...

peace.