Spending the weekend at home. Needed to get away.

Hey all.

Well the end of the month is already here and I've done three whole blog entries. This'll make four. This month has definitely had its ups and downs. Part of me really thought by this point I'd have a job. Nope. I've been applying around Ellensburg and nothing's materialized yet. I did have an interview at Safeway but haven't heard back from them. It'd be awesome if they did offer me the position but it's almost been a week since the interview and I'm guessing they've already made their decision so I need to keep looking.

This quarter is almost over. Two more regular weeks before finals. I'm gonna have one more quarter and maybe this summer to find a good job after graduation if I want to avoid moving back home. Ugh I don't want that to happen at all. It's gonna take a lot of work and research to find something good. I need to make it like part of my homework next month.

Here's a drawing I completed this weekend. I have another family picture I want to do but honestly would rather do it with a bigger canvas. This drawing I wanted to include Amie's boyfriend but ran out of room. As you might have noticed I did shade the skin in this drawing. Amie's looks a little blotchy so I'm undecided if I want to continue doing this. Regardless I hope she likes the completed product, it kept my mind busy today.

Tomorrow I'm probably just going to do a lot of reading for school and my Dad and I are going into town. I should also pick up my prescription that I was finally able to pee clean for, lol. I decided not to pick it up until school starts again because that's really the only time that I need it and wanted to avoid wasting them. I'm hoping not dealing with as much depression and anxiety from this medication will help me continue moving in the right direction.

Midterms went well. I got a 90% on my marketing test and I think I also did good on my finance midterm. Can't say for sure how I did until class tomorrow (or Wednesday, because I know an athlete in class didn't take it yet so for quality control we have to wait). I'll let you know how that went. 

This last couple weeks did have somewhat of an emotional tole on me because I mistakenly crushed on someone that got the completely wrong impression of me and it pissed me off. I definitely had fun hanging out with him a couple times and didn't think it was going anywhere until Valentines day when he posted this picture of a girl he was spending it with. That night he texted me at 1:30 am wanting to see me and of course the next day I was like "Dafuq? Seriously?" and kind of chewed him out. Since that night I noticed he was acting distant so I figured it was over. To make matters more confusing we actually did end up hanging out once after that and it went from being super flirtatious with eachother to us both acting strictly platonic. 

I honestly just figured it was because he was into this other girl. But instead of being honest with me he gave me this shpeel about how "we don't mesh well because you seem like the type of girl that would poke holes in condoms and you also seem racist which is a huge turnoff. Sorry." I'm like oh my god, are you f*cking shitting me? 

He said I seemed that way because I said I didn't agree with abortion with consensual sex which is why if we ever did anything to be cautious. He said I seemed racist because when we were watching some crazy gangland show I said something he apparently took as derogatory toward black people and right after he insulted Mexicans. He's got big giant anti-religious insignia down his calf, and he has the nerve to call me a hateful person??

...I'm just like yeah don't fucking flatter yourself, I'm graduating in three months, you think I want some screaming baby from a SHORT 25 year old with ugly tattoos and doesn't even have his shit together? F*ck you!! 

Sorry I had to get that off my chest. The fact that he sits diagonally across from me and lives a road over makes me happy this damn quarter is going to be over soon because I'm sick of seeing his face. We've been avoiding even making eye contact. He's such a puke, definitely did not deserve an iota of my time or feelings. We literally and hung out a few days before I broke up with Travis and I thought he was such a badass because he liked the same kind of music as me and played the bass.

Once again, I've learned the lesson that men that like the exact same kind of music as me are generally messed up in the head and should be avoided. 

peace. 

I'm Too damn honest.

Hi.

Well it's Wednesday and I'm anxiously waiting my paycheck that's coming on Saturday because I've got about $70 to my name and want to save as much as that as possible before that day comes. Why? For the satisfaction that I am saving money and that I didn't just spend all of my last paycheck getting through the last three weeks or so. Literally the last time they paid us was Thursday the 21st of August. Tomorrow that'll be 3 weeks ago.

I've done a good job saving my money by just not taking random trips into town or going out much. I've also had to abstain spending money on food while at work (not a hard thing to do considering there's usually free pizza out at one point) by making sure to eat beforehand. Spending money on snacks dries up your bank account like trying to kill someone by pelting them with little rocks.


..That was rather morbid. You'll have to excuse the fact that I'm not in the most optimistic mood right now. Yesterday I did get good news but at the wrong time and this morning I got bad news that put some things into perspective on my job search but also made me the target of my Mom's criticism and put me in a shit mood.

I am an honest person. I have a hard time lying to people and naturally won't unless someone asks me to specifically to cover for them and even then it's a challenge if people start prying. My honesty has now gotten me into trouble twice because I was automatically filtered out after applying to Macy's and Ross because my answers didn't make me seem friendly enough.

When I was asked in the two surveys how "important it is that you make friends on the job" I thought it was a trick question. In my mind I think "Not important", duh, you're there to do a job and get work done, not find people to hang out with on the weekends. But after getting screened out twice that's CLEARLY a wrong answer. Though thinking about it now it was probably stupid to have selected that answer in the first place.

Kayla told me, "You have to make yourself sound perfect on those things." My response was, "How is wasting time perfect?"

But then again, it's retail. You're expected to be super friendly toward everyone including your coworkers. For some reason I just think of "being friendly" and "making friends" as two completely different things. My Mom was really pissed at me this morning because that distinction kept me from getting an interview at Macy's. All I could say was, "Well how about you go work at Macy's," lol.

Here's a picture of a Russian cathedral on a lake in St. Petersburg for no reason.

Now for the good news!! Kayla referred me to her boss at Subway and he actually gave me a call yesterday after receiving my resume. Unfortunately I spaced putting Little Caesar's on my resume so it made it seem like I was trying to mislead them to think I had full availability. Kayla has explained to her boss that at my current job I only get about 11-15 hours a week and would be more than willing to work mornings. He called me yesterday at 2 at work.... whoops.  

So my mom has also been hassling me this morning about calling him back. I've tried to call the restaurant twice and nobody picked up so I'm just hoping I get a call from him before the end of his shift. He works from 5:30-3 pm so I'll try again around 1:30 when the lunch rush is going down.

Working at Subway would be great because I could potentially even get full time hours if I do well enough there. We'll see what happens. I'd rather have two part time jobs because of the change in environment but it might become a hassle when my class starts. Doesn't matter, I've been pretty much broke and useless way too long now. 


I haven't heard from the guy that I had recently taken interest to in about 2 days, which sucks because he seemed really interested in spending time together about a week ago. Jared's snapchat indicates he was drinking and eating pizza with some ugly bitch last night. Of course they're taking selfies together on his phone. You never did selfies with me you prick!! 

Lmao. Okay that's enough with all that. I want to take a run.

peace.

I've had a nice few days. When did we last talk...

Ahh okay, the Renaissance fair..

Turned out to be a really good time. What of course made it better was getting in free because of my friend Andrew's extra vendor pass. Alasdair's girlfriend apparently couldn't make it so I signed in as her (shh, don't tell anyone). Anyway this gave me a little extra spending money to try things out, like this $5 archery range where you get to shoot 3 arrows while taking a quick lesson if needed. 

I of course had never shot before so I did need it. The woman that helped me was actually really good at showing me what to do in a limited amount of time. Even if I didn't hit the target (a goat on a tarp in this case), each arrow that I shot did land closer to it. I had come with Andrew who he was kind of flaunting his archery skills but he wasn't able to get any closer to the target than I was! 

One kind of nasty occurrence while I was there... I saw an old friend of mine. I'm not going to name names in this case because it's sort of embarrassing. He was in front of me in the archery line and I hadn't seen him in awhile. When he finished he turned toward me and I'm like "Hey *bleep*!" and I gestured to give him a friendly hug. He wrapped his arm around me and his armpit wiped against my shoulder and when he pulled away I noticed my shoulder was like.... drenched in something. Said individual made off in kind of a hurry when I was making small talk, and I can see why.... My God my shoulder wreaked like Hell. 

While Andrew and I were standing in line I was clearly grimacing and I told Andrew what had just happened. He's like "Wow that's.... Odd..." This girl in front of me dressed in a full out renaissance costume looked back and sort of gives me a sympathetic look. Ha ha I could only imagine how crappy this situation would have been if I was wearing a costume like hers with velvet sleeves.. You'd easily wreak the rest of the day. Because I was wearing a tank top I was easily able to go into the bathroom and scrub my shoulder a couple times with soap and water.... Then again with soap and water.. to remove the majority of the scent.

I was then on a "quest" to find one of the many stands selling scented oils and choose one to cover whatever was left of the stench. I came to a stand called Gia's Traditions and she was super courteous about helping find one I liked. We went through a few... Patchouli, Nag champa, "Bitch" (some strawberry-tangy mix).. Nothing was really sticking out to me. Then I found Sandalwood which I almost almost love the smell of regardless of the product (incense, candles, etc..) so I picked that one and I'm so glad I did.

It's got the nicest scent.. a lot like cedar and reminiscent of the plants around my Grandparent's old house in Atascadero. When I realized how much I liked it I wanted to go online and post a good review but Gia's Traditions is  nowhere online. True traveling gypsy vendor!!  

Andrew and I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around the fair and looking at shops and eclectic people. I saw his Mom and she was really friendly. She's got the best British accent, I could listen to her talk all day.

That reminds me, lately I've been a lot more into asmr videos on youtube while I'm practicing guitar instead of watching cartoons. I switch back and forth between Youtube, Netflix and Amazon for entertainment. These days I'm watching (listening to) a lot of ASMR videos to relax as well as keep my brain active, as well as made tedious activities like chores more enjoyable.

Here's one of my favorite videos from one of my favorite users, she's got millions of views for a good reason-- she's an enchantress

GentleWhispering

In this video Maria gives a Russian culture lesson and I found the subject matter especially fascinating because of course I love to understand other cultures. She also does Russian language lessons that I like to listen too.*This video is actually somewhat underrated and I'd highly encourage you to check out her actual channel if you're interested in ASMR.


That's all for today folks.

peace.

Been letting myself have a little fun this summer

Hello everrryone.

Today's Thursday, which means tomorrow's one of my favorite days (payday!!!). I'm planning to go get my paycheck before work, deposit the check, then maybe do a little shopping while the prices are still super low. Apparently we're getting 25% off on top of the clearance so I really want to take advantage of that. It'll be nice to spoil myself a little tomorrow.

Today was pretty much a recharge day. I did play guitar a little and have my lesson at 5:30 but I slept in until about 2:30 this afternoon and then slept again in the evening... I must have been super tired after last night.

I worked a pretty easy Wednesday closing shift (I say this because the sections weren't that disorganized, not too many customers, etc...) and afterward I was driving all over town to  try to get to the bar to meet up with some friends of mine. My phone was dying and for some reason my car charger was not working so I was pretty much screwed and actually decided to drive home before Katelynn said her and Devin could meet me at a Texaco. Got back on the highway and we got to the bar around 11:55 pm.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I drank fast. I drank a long island, a rum and coke and a spider bite in an hour and a half... A bunch of Ashleigh's friends were there. It's like people are getting more aware of this wednesday karaoke night thing. I met a couple of new friends that Ashleigh is working with at Amazon currently. She's going to do well there I think.

Katelynn had a guy with her named Devin last night and I enjoyed his company. He seems like a pretty responsible, down to earth guy. He kind of reminds me of Rachelle's boyfriend Levi because of his red hair. Anyway Katelynn seems to really like him so that's all that's good. Everyone has to weed through different people to find the right match and it doesn't bother me that she and Alan just broke up. Lol if only I was so lucky to find guys in dating. 

Though lately I've grown even more content being single. Deleting and blocking Jack was the first step in the right direction I'd made this summer, followed by telling Terry I'm done trying to communicate this summer because I'm tired of him texting me acting like he wants me to come there and then not talking. Texting is so f*cking annoying when you're trying to communicate with a guy that you like when *they're* still on the fence about you. It's selfish and I'm done with it. I seriously don't like anyone and I've been totally fine with that. I just spend most of my time and money on myself and my own improvement without distractions. 

So I had a guitar lesson today that went extremely well because Jake was able to get me that picking dvd that he originally paid hundreds for. This whole DVD is just about picking technique and it's going to help me a great deal I'd imagine. Anyway hopefully I can get it to run on my computer.

peace.

Oh, here's some random 90's goth metal that I've been listening to by a band called Type O Negative. Great vocal quality unlike many other bands that I've heard. Sends shivers down your spine. Warning the lyrics to this could be considered offensive or sacrilegious. Like most metal it should be taken for the work of art that it is rather than read into what it's trying to say. 

How to meditate and so forth

Yo.

It's almost 5 pm. I tried to meditate for awhile but my head seemed too crowded with thoughts to relax. I'm going to try to get them out here I suppose.

Lol finally added my "rival" on facebook. 

Today was an ordinary Wednesday. As predicted Terry and I didn't talk at all yesterday but he was really chatty today. He got a 31 on the quiz so he actually did pretty well, I didn't deliberately look for his score when I was trying to find mine so I must have looked at a different one in the pile. He also got the stats homework done last night and got a 15/15 so he's now ahead of me. Tonight I intend to do my Stats homework, hopefully get 15/15 (if not, well, second attempt I should...) and then work on some job applications again. I have a couple tests coming up-- one in Stats in two days and one in Econ on Monday. So Stats really is my main priority right now.. want to get an A this quarter I'm serious!!

I'm really hoping to get a call back from that restaurant I talked to yesterday. I intend to call them the day after tomorrow (Friday) around 3 to speak with a manager to ask if the position has been filled... I really need a job, I'm too nervous to even check my balance to be honest. Ha ha all I know is I'm running out of different food that I need so I'll have to inevitably spend money AGAIN... then my Guitar lessons, $80 down the hole.

Which is why I want to get a job, make some damn money and get out of here. I've been B-O-R-E-D...... not much has been going on in my life this week aside from school, studying, get stuff done... etc etc...

I don't usually spend much time with people on the weekdays anymore, which is why I feel it's necessary to get a job.

Lol I got bored with the webcam today. I sometimes think about how crazy it would be to have an identical twin.

I have been pretty content with things overall lately. Men can be so confusing, I've given up trying to understand why they act the way that they do. I just live by the rule of thumb now to be myself and not act stupid. Something good will take me out of this routine eventually.

I just need to focus on what's important for me all day-- keep my eyes on what I need to do and get stuff done accordingly. I've been trying to get ahold of my Dad today to apologize for freaking out on him but we always have to get in one yelling match when I go home so whatever, it's routine I guess.

peace.


Oh! For those of you that are reading that want to know more about meditation... It's really easy to meditate. You can either listen to music-- any kind of fine but most people prefer instrumental music. I personally recommend the "Chill out" channel on spotify that I have on in the background for calming Ambient music all the time now. 

Anyway lye on your bed. Get comfortable. Close your eyes and focus on your nostrils as you breath in and out. As you do this focus on your midbrain...

Focusing on your midbrain while you simultaneously focus breathing through your nose will eventually cause you to fall into meditation.

You will notice that the inside of one of your nostrils will feel slightly congested when you first start focusing on your breathing, this is natural. How you know that you're falling into the stages of meditation is that both of your nostrils will feel open as you further focus on your breathing. If you do this your body will begin to feel numb and your limbs will feel heavy. 

Make sure your eyes are closed. As you fall into deeper meditation the light behind your eyelids will get darker. Accept this, don't let alarm you and fall further into the darkness. The more you can relax the better.

When your in a meditative state you have a clearer sense of consciousness. Complete bliss as you lose the feeling of your limbs and manifest only in your soul. That's the only way I can explain it. Love it, and so healthy for your body too! Monks have been doing it for thousands of years.

3rd day and The wheels are already in motion

Damn, today was interesting. Definitely more interesting than what I had to tell you yesterday so excuse me if I go on.

Econ today was different because we had a professor from a different class. There's an older lady in my class that I sit next to in my statistics class as well that's very eager and raises her hand continually to either ask questions or answer about something... which usually only people do if they know the answer. Usually in Carbaugh's class I will just respond answers when he does the call and response thing. I like when teachers do that a lot because it keeps me paying attention.

Anyway she continued to do that again today. I noticed this morning that a guy that I sit next to in my Statistics class also sits directly across from me in economics. We had caught eachothers eyes this morning and I'm like, huh, wonder if I'll sit next to him again today. Sometimes people rearrange themselves in class. I'm pretty happy with my seating this quarter because I got my spot in economics again that I was in last quarter, it's really easy to see there and keeps me from looking at other people.

She would wear rings that look like this, except daintier looking and silver. I'm not going to lie I think this ring is really cool. Even if this girl's voice used to bother me she has good taste.

That girl that sat next to be kind of in econ last quarter with the blonde hair and really perfectly coordinated clothes last quarter-- she's in two of my classes this quarter. I'm starting to really recognize more people in the business program which is cool though I don't know how consistent it'll remain when I get into my major next year. Anyway that girl used to distract me because she'd wear this ring that looked like two hands crossing over your finger, it was the weirdest looking ring and my eyes always ended up drawn to it. Not anymore though, she doesn't sit next to me anymore.

Continuing on here.. went back to my apartment for two hours, ate and relaxed. I have to say I'm liking my schedule with the two hour breaks. It gives me a chance to recharge before my classes and I've been absorbing so much information because I've been studying throughout the day instead of globbed up in the morning. Maybe as much as I try I am not a morning person after all, maybe this is better for me. We'll see.

Then Statistics. I sat in my regular seat. This is the first time I actually looked at this guy (his name is Terry) who I sat next to yesterday and felt awkward because he kept on looking at my notes. First thing I notice is a tattoo of a scroll on his arm. I also noticed that his arms are huge. He's tall and clearly very dedicated to his body because it'd take so much work to get like that.

I then looked at his hands, which stood out to me more than anything because I noticed that he had really big hand muscles under his pinky (these muscles grow as you play guitar, or I suppose work out too. Guys tend to get more prominant hand muscles like that-- I remember Jack's hands were similar) and I started wondering if he played guitar.

At this point we'd made eye contact a solid number of times. Yesterday he tried to kind of get my attention by asking me what the histogram on my paper was for and I said "...Yesterday's questions on page 5." Lol. If he was trying to make small talk there I didn't take a hint. I decided to ask him a few minutes before class started if he's in my economics class, and he said that he was and we started talking a little from there.

He does play guitar. I don't know how rigorously now that I know more about him because I can't imagine he has time.

Fire alarm goes off in my Stats class. My teacher was like, "What the Hell? Okay see you all tomorrow..." Lol I like Sipic, I was actually kind of looking forward to lecture today which is almost painful to admit because I can't believe i'd ever want to listen about studying datapoints....

I followed Terry out of Shaw outside where people were standing around. I introduced myself and Terry told me he was done for the day and we started to walk around and get to know eachother a little bit. He seems like a pretty level headed guy, he's majoring in business administration too.

I was really surprised that Terry invited to give me a ride back after class. I told him he really didn't have to because I have a bike but he said he had a truck that we could load it into. Again, cool to get to talk to him. He likes tennis so that's a plus too, I want to play so badly.

Then my public speaking class, which was also fun today. We did self introductions followed by an "interesting fact, for example how you get to school every day." Well, almost everyone in the class said how they get to school... on a bike, in their car, yadda yadda. Some people were more creative on what they said. I'd actually rehearsed mine a little in the mirror at home because I know that I have a tendency to talk really fast when I'm even a little nervous.

Here's the average speech: "Hi my name is "    " and how I get to class is I drive my car... any questions?"

This was my speech: "Hello, my name is Emily and one of my favorite highlights of the day is cranking up my music and speed-biking to class. I'd like to open up for questions."(this was funny, lol)

There's a really attractive, egotistical (okay, maybe "cocky" seems like a better word here. He seems like a nice guy, but during his speech you can just tell he was loving the squeels of the girls in the audience) guy in my class that shot his hand up immediately and asked what my favorite band is that sends me flying.


I responded "Dream Theater" and he's like "WHAT! Are you serious?! They're amazing, what do you think of their new drummer?" I just said "I can't think of their drummer right now, but John Petrucci is a huge inspiration to me."

He went on asking a stream of questions. I actually cut him off and said "Okay then! Is there any more questions?" That was just meant to be a joke so hopefully I don't get docked for being rude or something


I should have said their old drummer was better. At least that's what Jacob says.

Well to be honest I'm glad I didn't act like I knew, it wouldn't be fair because I haven't paid much attention to either drummers. For future reference the drummer for Dream theater currently is Mike Mangini. He doesn't have as many flashy pictures as if you look up Petrucci or Labrie with their wild locks everywhere, ha ha ha. 

Wow, okay here's Mark Portnoy. Now  if this were simply a LOOKS competition yes I could tell you who fits better in Dream theater from these two pictures. But how do their skills compare? Couldn't tell you. 

Anyway it was a good day. Had a lesson with Jacob today and mentioned that I'd subscribed to Luke Jaeger's page. He's like "So when's you guy's date?" I'm like wowwww. He jokes about it because apparently this guy never dates anyone, like he's apparently got the highest standards in the entire world and never has found anyone that suits him... or maybe he does and just acts like he doesn't have contact with anyone. That's interesting to me too. Jake told me that whenever Luke thinks a girl is interested in him he backs off bad so I have to make sure that if I do meet him I do not come off flirtatious what so ever. 

Just look how f*cking perfect that is though. It's insane. I would love to get lessons from him someday, he's a master. Lol I think of it like Jacob is my sensei and this guy is HIS sensei. I still have.... mass amounts to learn from Jacob. Actually getting to where Jacob is today will take years, and I'll be lucky if I half as good as Luke in 10,000 hours. 

I love the guitar so much, my soul sometimes feels so engrossed that  when I play the neck feels like part of my body. 

peace

Feelings can be difficult.

It's been a long day. I really should be working on some math but I'm saving that until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go to math class, then spend the rest of the day preparing for my next math test on Friday. Montgomery gives us an ample amount of time to understand each concept and I appreciate that. Today I had to miss math because I was busy with accounting test preparation... yet again.

I'm lucky that both of my other classes really slowed down when this test became one of my top priorities two weeks ago. I am happy to say that's done now so that I can move on to finishing up these other two subjects strong. I have tried pretty hard in this math class, aside from the days that I probably shouldn't have skipped because I was up all night in near ecstacy the few times with Jed. Okay, I don't want to glamorize it that much... I guess you could say I was very happy to be spending time with him, and allowed myself to open up just enough to enjoy the moment before it was inevitably gone.

Subconsciously my heart is telling me that I want MORE of those moments... which I know in my mind is WRONG. He played me, TWICE. There's no forgiving him or ever being able to trust him again after that second time. That horrible week I was dealing with panic attacks.. to be honest Jed was the LAST thing on my mind, I was over him. But then all of a sudden he wanted back in.

I had talked to Ashley that day and she encouraged me to give him a second chance but warned that if he did it again, well, I guess then you know. She's right. I now know.

So thoughts of him are now pointless and burdensome. I don't want to think about him at all but somehow I still kind of keep my eye out for him when I pass his building or he comes to mind first when my phone goes off randomly. I want thoughts of him to go away... He's only brought me unnecessary pain and I hate him for it. I think he was the closest thing I've had to having any real feelings for someone since Jack... so it's hard. I cannot just pretend this is not still hard for me. At least in my blog... and the occasional facebook rant. In real life I can control exactly what I say and express to the outside world. I can act as aloof to what should be one of the most important things in a young girls life...

I'm going to save this video so I can listen to it tomorrow while I do my math. What I like about math is that I practice it and listen to videos at the same time, versus my legal homework where I really have to focus on the jargon and content. Luckily my legal class is coming somewhat easy to me now, I've really gotten the hang of these contract laws. 

Metiner said today that I presented the BEST case description that he's heard all quarter. Wow, I'm so honored.... I cannot even describe to you guys how proud of myself I am about this. I am so incredibly happy to have just remembered that. What a shame to have ended this day thinking about what doesn't really matter when I had something extraordinarily fulfilling occur. 

peace.

Why I trust NO man, I call bullshit. Endless bullshit.

Well, Jed screwed me over again. I'll explain in a minute, let me say the good things first....

 Here it is 7:35 PM. I'm lucky things don't bother me much because I've gotten almost everything I've needed to do done today. I'm super relieved right now because I originally thought my Chapter 15 test was scheduled for THIS Wednesday (when my appointment is scheduled) when it's actually on the 28th. Excellent, I have plenty of time to study for that test. Today I studied Chapter 15 for a solid hour and I intend to do another hour later. I've got NOTHING planned this weekend so all I have to do is study, relax and try to be happy on my lonesome once again... Fine with me, the stress from this previous week with this Jared-Jed situation has driven me close to the edge.

After my massive panic attack and talking to Ashley last night I texted to Jared to cut that off. I just basically told him I couldn't handle the stress of the situation, which is very true... I don't think I would have ever felt completely satisfied with Jared, at least not now-- maybe if he grew up a little bit. The age and maturity difference was just too much, even if it's just two years. I'm an extremely mature, intelligent 21 year old. Jared is an average, happy go lucky 19 year old. It just wouldn't have worked... He'll be fine, I'm having a feeling he's already pretty much forgotten about it and he's out having fun somewhere right now.

Jed though... Good God, today he made me break down into tears and almost have a panic attack because of his cruel way of treating me.

Yeah, I don't think I like this guy at all anymore... He still hasn't even added me to his f*cking facebook, like who the Hell does he think he is?

Let me re-hash what happened when he came over the other night. Nothing. We just sat together in my room, talked... He told me he was interested in starting where we had left off previously, I almost immediately forgave him for the previous experience and was happy he did.

This morning I sent him some message saying how hard it was to not kiss him, just something cute.. He responded "Lol well to be honest I think it's better if we just stay friends ya know. No drama or anything."

I'm like... Wow, what the Fuck, YOU initiated this... I just responded, "..So we're not going to spend time together then?" then "Ugh, again I wasn't expecting any relationship, I don't know if that means we'd be spending time together or what." No response...

I called my mom and cried, and she helped me realize this:
"And what drama are you referring too? Or imply will go on? I only recall you coming over here and pursuing me asking to puck up where we'd left off and now you're telling me there's drama? Like what's your deal. Lol I've been totally straight up with you and completely mellow, there must be some drama I'm not aware of."

The best response Jed could come up with was "Well you told me you got depressed after the whole thing ya know. Just want to avoid that."

I wrote, "Lol I think it's normal to be a little sad when someone you liked cuts off, but I was over it in a couple days and forgot about it. Yeah, I was sort of excited last night when you told me you potentially wanted to pick up like they were before; like cool I would like to continue to spend time with you... But now it seems you've changed your mind which makes me irritated because you're being indecisive and selfish. I don't know what you want, I just do my own thing, I happen to like you. You were the one that came back into my life and I'm confused now as to why.."

He didn't even have the courtesy to reply.

Whatever he told me today was absolute bullshit. The reason he's cutting off, or trying to, has nothing to do with MY emotions. He either found some other girl, or not... Seriously I don't even give a shit anymore. I think the messages that I sent him put him in his place. He probably has no excuse for his bullshit behavior now and is just choosing not to reply and in hopes I'll just go away again.

Well your wish is granted! If you don't want me you're not worth my time.


This weekend when I go home I'm going to get so many things taken care of that will further improve my quality of life. My parents are so, so good to me... I talked to my Dad on the phone today and he encouraged me on my accounting exam and told me that the answers to the formulas are always in what you're trying to find. He actually has a point, the more I conceptualize the easier it becomes. Even he understands this bullshit that I've been going through with men and has even shown some sympathy about it... My mom of course was there to help me today when I called, too.

I'm just so excited to go home...

What's going on this weekend: 

-Dermatologist appointment to get Differin on Wednesday at 8:00. 
My skin has cleared up quite a bit but I still break out and Differin will prevent that from happening at all. It will get me completely in control of my acne, which means I will get to spend less money on makeup. 

-Walk in doctor visit on Friday before my tattoo appointment (or after) to get perscribed Xanex. 
This will help my panic attacks. I talked to Ashley about it and she thinks it's a really good idea, as does my Mom and my Grandma Fran. Speaking of which I should probably stop over Thanksgiving to visit with Grandma, I don't know if that could create some potential hot water about my family eating at home... Or not, I don't think it could hurt. 

-Tattoo at Parkway on Friday @ 2:30
This is BIG, BIG, BIG... I can't believe it's finally coming! The only thing I'll have to figure out is the size that I want it. I'm sure we'll be able to figure that out at the tattoo shop. I'm thinking it's going to be about the height of a cigarette lighter, maybe a little bigger. I want it to be perfectly proportioned of course and in the perfect center of my neck. Location is of course crucial as well, God forbid it should be off center and have it drive me crazy... I shouldn't worry, these guys are professionals and they're going to do a beautiful job. And I'm going to love it and it's going to help me self esteem even more I believe. 

I'm now going to have a distinguished symbol that identifies me as a musician... Maybe if I have it long enough I'll start to believe that I am a musician from inside my soul. Sometimes I don't even know if I am... I sometimes find it hard to believe how skilled I've become at the guitar and it can only go up from here. 

-Seeing Katelynn on Friday.

-Seeing Samantha. 
I need to figure out what her work schedule is...

So I'm quite excited for this weekend. After this pain with Jed and panic attacks this week I want to be around the people I love more than anything....

peace.

I feel so tall around here.

It's a weird assortment of people here at Central.

For some reason I was half expecting there to be hot guys everywhere... or at least more so than in the Tri cities, but really, there does not seem to be. There really isn't anyone here that I've been attracted to aside from Jason. To be honest I've been more keeping my eyes on girls to make friends that I can go out with on the weekends. That will all come in time. I did meet this one really sweet girl today named Dannah. She comes from Bellingham and she's in my business law class. Maybe we'll stick this out together! Both of us take this really seriously and have similar goals. She's really blonde and pretty.

But yeah.... guys here, I'm sorry to say, lots and lots of short, skinny guys... I don't really know what it is around here, I actually feel tall lately because I'm towering over a lot of guys that I see. Jason's 6'4 so he makes me feel petite. I like our body height differences. I think he's really attractive in a lot of ways and I realize this a lot more now that we're spending time together here. Sometimes his responses are a little cold and indirect, like he'll ask me how my day went... I'll tell him a brief overview and he won't respond about THAT at all, he'll only respond about himself. It'd be nice if he'd recognize what I have to say a little bit. You know, maybe instead of bitching about it I should just be mature and tell him about it. That way he'll know it's bothering me.

There are some cute guys in my accounting class.

Oh that reminds me. HELL-o! Classes started today! I'm happy to say that I like all of my professors, all of which are men this quarter so that's always a plus. My accounting professor liked me immediately, he seemed pretty cool and I like that all of the assignments will be pencil-paper. Managerial accounting is already looking like a fun class, I met another girl in there named Natasha who seemed pretty cool as well. See, first day, BAM! Two new acquaintances! I am definitely making an effort to meet people.

But making an effort to go out? Meh. I went to my classes, came back and did my homework. I wasn't able to get into the math program so I think I'm just gonna jam for the next hour or so and go to bed. I'll probably do a lot more studying tomorrow but I only have ONE class... That's the thing about this quarter, if I am able to manage my time right on my days off there's no excuse for me not to do exceptionally well in all of these classes.

peace.

How my instrument protects me from the world.

7 more days.

This is the last week of my life I will live in Benton city. 

Well, I suppose there's no absolute guarantee that I won't move back in with my parents but you guys know how stubborn I am and how much I DON'T want that to happen after my 20 years of living with my parents. I've never moved out, I've waited until it was the RIGHT time to do this and now that it is I can't imagine I'll ever turn back. 

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. 

Let's start with what's most important. I practiced 16 hours of guitar last week. That's not very good, that only averages out a couple hours a day versus my normal three. BUT it was a good week of practice because yesterday at lessons I was really able to keep up with Jacob on some of the technical stuff he has me doing. 

He recently gave me an entirely new warmup packet that contains all the exercises that HE does. That's a huge deal to me, I'm really proud of myself to have gotten to the level that I can practice the same warmups that he does. Well I can't *just* yet but I have the materials and patience to do so this week.

Before leaving Jacob tried giving me a stack of like 10 of his business cards telling me to "give them to my friends." I started laughing so hard, not because it wasn't a good idea but because there's no way I'll see 10 friends in the next week.

I really hope his business does well though. Guitar lessons is a great business. You don't have to hire anyone because you can teach the students yourself. Jacob did hire an accountant recently, though. I'll be doing my own bookkeeping, I'm excited to access the value of all of my small amount of equipment that I'll be using. I'll even use my rent expense as a contra-revenue account. 

The only big expense in teaching guitar is the printing expense. Ink is really expensive, about $40 a cartridge or more... And I'll be printing tabs and practice sheets for multiple students. I'll probably just have them print some of their own stuff but for the introductory lesson I'll have quite a few pages to give each student. 

Moving on...

Today I'm having lunch with my Grandma Fran. My Dad doesn't want me to make light of the situation if she asks how he's doing. My Dad's been really affected by this whole situation, he knew and worked on that farm for 42 years of his life (literally, I bet he probably started working out there when he was eight or nine) and he got kicked out with no warning or reasoning from his family. 

If peaches aren't picked quickly enough they fall on the ground. Because there's only 60 or so peaches in a 26 lb box, that's money falling every time. 

The farm is now almost completely destroyed. It's overgrown and unkempt, ripe peaches probably falling on the ground because there's not enough pickers getting them. 

I imagine myself as a person who gets things done. My Dad is someone who gets things done and my Dad's Dad was someone who got things done; Tyler however didn't get that hard work ethic. Up until a couple years ago he would spend the majority of the harvest in his room smoking pot all day, he would come out to boss people around occasionally and would drive around on the tractor. He was never the one that was interacting with the pickers, figuring out where we should drive to pick up boxes next, or even the one to get the ladders up at the end of the day. That was all my Dad, he orchestrated everything and did an incredible amount of work for next to nothing because it was something he believed in and he got bastardized. The farm was given to my uncle Ty, and continues to be his even if I doubt he wants it anymore.

Because of course my uncle Ty only works a few months out of the year. I remember being not only appalled but surprised that Ty wanted the farm so badly for that reason. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he fought so hard for it and now he's stuck with an immense amount of work that grows every day that it's not pruned, watered and tended. 

I'd never want to do it either but that's how my Dad would have wanted to spend the rest of his life if he could. He's probably going to want to retire in the next 10.. 15 years or so and once that happens he's not going to have anything except whatever projects he's got going on here at the house without the farm. It's really sad, and I'm afraid there's no turning back from the damage that has been done to my Dad psychologically. 

On the bright side, though, this last couple years has been the only time in my life that I've gotten to really know my Dad because he spent almost my entire childhood at the farm.

______________________________

The noodles pictured above are the same type of noodles that were in my pork noodle dish yesterday. So delicious. 

Yesterday I hung out with Katelynn and realized that we had never been to Saigon Market together. That was always something I did with Samantha and never got a chance to go with Katelynn for some reason. We went to Haong Saigon restaurant and as always it was really, really good. Those little old ladies make the best pho but I ordered a noodle dish instead so I could take it home more easily. Pho noodle broth probably has fish sauce and all sorts of things that would reek to high heaven if you spilt it in your car, but it really is delicious stuff so it was tempting to just order pho again. 

Note that "pho" really is pronounced "Pha." I pronounced it Pha when Stephanie's aunt asked me what I ordered and I told her that I'd considered getting it. Stephanie's aunt is really sweet, she owns Saigon market so I try to shop there whenever I'm in the area. Leyte and Saigon are tied for the best Asian stores that I like to shop at. I like Saigon's selection between but it's too far of a drive most of the time.

Thank God i'm getting paid tomorrow. I don't want to know what my balance is but after going out to eat with Katelynn, driving into town, etc etc... I'm probably down to my last $100 by now. This will be my last full paycheck with Rite Aid. 

That reminds me, my last Thursday shift is tomorrow so I should probably get some laundry done today and make sure my uniform is nice and clean. I can't wait to change my facebook to "Emily Wilson stopped working at Rite Aid," wheeee!!! 

I guess I'll mention as well that things've been sort of lonely for me. I've been thinking a little more about guys, sort of. Like yesterday I saw a pretty cute, long haired skater-looking guy staring at me at the DMV. At first glance I thought he might've been Josh F. because he was wearing a black hat like Josh always did and had the same skin/hair color but when he looked up I realized he was actually somewhat cuter than Josh is and I quickly looked away. 

This glance led to him staring at me, so I decided to look straight at him for about a second just to catch him in the act. Definitely, DEFINITELY cute, so again, I look down, almost giggling. I was really complimented that he was checking me out in the first place, but I have no reason to talk to guys right now so I didn't want to initiate conversation or anything.

I've never had a distinguished "Type" that I like, probably because I've never had a good enough relationship to say that I've REALLY liked anyone. I'm pretty afraid of men at this point. Going to Central I am very cautious of college guys that try hooking up with as many girls as possible. This makes me really afraid of getting manipulated into that, or being drugged and raped at parties. Guess this means I'll have to stay as far away from situations like this as possible. 

That's another thing that Jacob has sort of helped me with. He told me that a girl should NEVER pursue a guy, which is something I plan to live by now. I won't ever initiate talking to a guy because that's creepy, if a guy wants to talk to me he'll do it. 

I will NOT play into stupid "Yeah we'll go on dates.. but lets have sex first" bullshit lies that men try to tell girls to make us feel like something will come out of their empty sex. If a guy tries that I will immediately shut him down and make him feel very stupid for trying.

Actually I'm looking forward to seeing the first sap that tries. 

Because you see, because of my guitar my self esteem now is MUCH higher because I always have sense of purpose, something to fall back on. My center, my niche.  My guitar is something I will always have even if I don't have a man to talk to or hold my hand. It's helped to create an even thicker barrier between my sanity and happiness to the outside world that has raped my soul when it was unprotected. 

peace. 

Weeding through garbage to find the right match, etc..

Hello friends, enemies, whoever is reading this.

I am excited for work today. Why? Because today marks 20 more days! This is my third to last Thursday shift. To make things more interesting, I will really try to work to my fullest extent the next nine days to really leave with a bang so it's good if I need to use them as a reference. Eh, it probably won't make a difference in the long run anyway, I've just got to keep the next nine shifts interesting or the next twenty days will feel longer then it already is.

I just need to think of the Tea Girl, and my Noh mask, and all my other strange symbols that have helped me get through the last few months of being extremely burnt out with my job.

Hard to believe it's been a year! The country fair is in town and lots of people are going to be at the rodeo tonight. I just remember that this time last year I was hanging out with Lindy, Mitch, Tyler and occasionally Samantha and Shawn. We went to the fair on a double date type deal, when really it felt a little silly for me to be walking around with Tyler. I mean don't get me wrong, Tyler is a nice guy, but he's younger than me and he's really not what I was looking for in a boyfriend. At that time, though, there was really nobody that I had met... my circumstances were the same as they are now, but at least now the end is in sight and there will be more opportunities to meet people once I get out of here.

Because really here my efforts on meeting anyone have been futile. I really did give up about six months ago and since then I've had random little flames here and there-- like I'll find someone attractive but I'll never actually commit to a relationship with them unless they meet my real standards. I don't hold too high of standards, I'd really like a guy to be intelligent, attractive, presentable, funny. Those are the four standards that I hold highest. A guy with no sense of humor is no fun to be around at all. I can't be with someone that's stupid or very unattractive. But if they're somewhat different looking the other three traits can easily make up for it and make someone more attractive to me.

It just never happened here. I feel like I've never really been close with anyone. The longest relationship I ever had was with Chino which was back when I was 15 (six months), it's been so long that it almost seems silly to talk about it. Ever since then the amount of time my relationships lasted got shorter and shorter until they evaporated into dealing with guys that only want to hook up and you basically have to wait and wait until it's convenient for them to talk to you.

On the New Year I decided I wasn't going to put up with any more shit and pledged that I wouldn't get close to any guy until I was out of the Tri cities. This actually lasted awhile until me and Connor A. started talking again (Connor being my ex boyfriend from when I was 16). I didn't want to be in a relationship with Connor again but it was really comfortable to be around him because I didn't feel like he was going to use or hurt me in any way so I openned up to him a little bit.

We had a few good visits together and he's really the only one I recall having any feelings toward in 2012. My feelings for him are sort of like "Love," but not in a "I love you" way, but more of a reminiscent connection that I will always have with him. When me and Connor spent time together it made me more forgiving of that time in my life, being 16 and a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster. Me and Connor always clicked really well, and I look back on our relationship as one of my fondest memories from my teens.

I doubt we'll ever spend time together again, he's very wrapped up in his own business as I am with mine. No way of telling if we'll cross paths but I'll always consider him a friend to me.

Things have changed a lot since that time, I'm sure when that guy does come around that I'll know. I'm going to have to weed through more garbage before that time comes, I'm sure, but with the amount of knowledge that I've gained from being emotionally isolated this long there's not much that can penetrate my shield that I've  built unless it really is the right person for me. I'm no longer going to put up with guys that want to hook up with as many girls as they can and still talk to a girl they're interested in emotionally on the side. It's a huge red flag and it's everywhere lately.

Alright I need to play more guitar. Wish me luck at work, hope it goes fast.

peace.

Throwing up SUCKS.

There is an anxiety that I have that has been haunting me for awhile now, and started about this last December.

In many situations this year, when I find myself spending the night at somebody's house, I end up spending the entire night puking, or feeling nauseous and unable to sleep and then puking the next morning. This happened, AGAIN, last night, in a completely comfortable situation.. and I had to leave because of it. Luckily, they didn't see how sick I was. I ended up drinking pepto out of their fridge. Lovely.

Here are the situations where it has occured...



1. The first known situation of it, where there were no diseases such as the stomach flu (California trip home in La Grande) or hangover involved (happened once on one shot of tequila mixed with my meds), was when I was with Michael Kaminski in Seattle. Upon meeting him, I knew my parents wouldn't like him so it made me very, VERY stressed out to the point that I could not sleep at all and was over the toilet all night. The next morning it got the worst, and Katelynn went to a gas station to buy me gatorade and anti-nausea. She's a great friend.. that was incredible.
   
   Since this has happened, every time that I've had to stay overnight in a hotel I've gotten sick. Except for the night when Michael went home and we stayed in an airport hotel.

2. The second main situation was Chris's anime party. I got stuck here overnight because my car broke down, and when I called my parents about it they yelled at me and I felt extremely guilty about it. The problem was my starter, or an electrical problem, as always. There was really nothing I could do. It started the next morning, anyway. Regardless, it made me so stressed that I found myself puking all night... at his house. It was an embarrising mess.

3. The third situation was at Zac Weery's house after the System of a Down concert. Zach's mom was convinced I had drank something laced with a drug but now that I look back on it, it was probably just a panic attack like the previous situations. Regardless, she did help me calm down a lot. Didn't sleep at all that night. Was dry heaving because there was no food in me and I couldn't even hold down water. It was a mess, especially because this girl that we were staying with's parents didn't know me and Katelynn were there so I could of caused major problems. I completely destroyed their plans to enjoy the night....

And now, last night, which kept me throwing up all morning and I still haven't really eaten today. It's 5 PM. Plans fell through today that I thought were going to be really fun, but as always there has to be some flaky ass situation and now i'm not sure what my plans are exactly. I should really fill out that college application. I think I'll also play the bass.

One of Jack's friends messaged me today and it was really weird. He's lived next door for about three years and we have never said shit to eachother, haha. It's funny how their mentalities work. Even if I do talk to Jesse or any other of Jack's friends, I probably won't ever hang out with them as a group because of how we've known eachother since we were kids and we never liked eachother back then, hahaha.

I really hope whatever anxiety this is passes, and i'll be able to move out and now be puking all night where ever I start to live. oi vey.

yours,

Emily