I wish I could focus for 7 hours

Yo everyone, it's 4:15 pm on a Saturday.

I have so much work to do today, so much information to try and grasp and I'm really going to work on my solo. I feel very invigorated, probably because I just drank my second cup of coffee today and to be honest I haven't eaten much aside from a couple pieces of toast and a little at a BBQ Hassan invited me too. I also got a text from Abdull about being ready for his lesson so I've got some preparations to do. Tomorrow the library will be open so I intend to get their stuff ready tonight, e-mail it over and print in the library before Abdull's lesson.

Today I would like to do a solid 2 hours of statistics AND a solid two hours of economics AND play the guitar for 2 hours AND read my speech book.... Is that too much to ask myself in one day? Probably but I have nothing else planned and I'm interested to see if I can do it. Let's see, that's 7 hours of work. It's 4:18, that means I'd  get done at 11:00.. yeah that's probably too much.

I'm just going to do an hour of each subject at a time and write on my white board when I finish things. I've stopped writing my daily to-do list on my whiteboard because it stresses me out more than it's worth.

I saw Terry for a little while today. He came over and I showed him my filing cabinet and guitar hour log, he told me it was really cool. He went to a bar last night with his friends so we hardly texted eachother and I kind of got the feeling he was blowing me off. Nope, guess not. He told me today he's not a big fan of long texting conversations which is nice because neither do I. It keeps things interesting too.

This is a video that Terry showed me the evening I hung out at his place. 

 My mom said  it's kind of ironic that Jack's brother is James Otto who's famous and Terry's cousin is Kurt Cobain. Terry does a lot-- he plays sports, cooks, gets really good grades, is really attractive and plays music. We're a lot alike in a sense that we  both really like to get stuff done and we're both competitive.

I'm looking forward to the weather warming up so we can play tennis together.

So yeah, I'd like to say this situation is looking okay. This is the kind of consistent cat and mouse that I was looking for. It's definitely interesting and it's nice to have a crush on someone. Not having a crush on anyone is the pits because you feel like there's something missing yet at the same time I want my complete independence so I really can't complain.

Today I also went to a BBQ that my guitar student Hassan invited me to. I invited my friend (who I met through Allie) Kala to come and by the time she got there it was freezing cold and pouring rain.

I've been praying... so much lately. Probably 3-4 times a day, and usually it's to ask for the mental strength to understand my schoolwork, lmfao. That and to be happy and live in the present. Prayer helps me a lot, especially when I feel like there's nobody to talk to in my house. My roommate clearly doesn't like talking to me. Since I've started praying I've noticed a lot of improvements in my life, both academically and mentally. Whether or not there's a God listening, something clicks in my brain when I say it in a prayer. It's like my mind identifies it as something I need to do.

Hard to explain I guess.

I have officially have my recital rehearsal in one week.

peace. 

This is karma. It is not my turn.

I'm having a difficult night.

I guess you could say I felt lonely all day. I got done with two tests, both of which I'm sure I aced and was feeling pretty excited about that but I wasn't really thrilled about having the rest of the day with no plans of doing anything. I felt a sort of sad sense of longing. I hate that feeling.

I talked on the phone with Katelynn for two hours. She's having kind of a rough patch right now because she has not been able to find a job, doesn't have internet access, and is feeling like she needs to get out. I know the feeling. I feel like I need to get out more too, but usually I'm too tired from all the study I do.. that and I don't know where to go or who to go with half the time. I just sort of go where I feel there's a purpose to be accomplished... I go out when I need something.

Tonight I felt like I needed something that I can't have.

I texted Jack, who had texted me around the 1st saying he wanted to start spending time together. Having been with Brendan at the time I said no, but after that didn't work out... yeah. I had tried texting him the other day and his responses were extremely slow. Figured I'd try one more time today, I just said "Hey, what's up?" and he didn't reply. Two hours later, I'm like, okay, seriously what the Hell, you initiated my attention a little over a week ago, now you're blowing me off. He tells me he's now seeing someone else.

This is karma. Right here. This is fate. Right now I am feeling loneliness and pain. Perhaps I caused Brendan the same feelings when I broke things off to deal with my feelings for Jack and now this.

God is fair. Everything happens for a reason. Me and Jack aren't meant to be together, but for some reason my feelings for him have withstood for years, and years.. because I've yet to find anyone that I'm more attracted too. And it doesn't help that every few months he texts me out of the blue like we're going to start spending time together and it goes nowhere. Or this happens, he finds another girl he's interested in directly after talking to me. This has been going on for years. I'm so tired of it, it hasn't been my choice to feel this way but it's something I've had to deal with because of it.

The fact that he's with someone else will make it a lot easier to put thoughts of him away for good, now. I hope he's happy. Really, I've just got to move on. It's just hard. Yang Haiying said in one of my favorite videos about love and confidence that if it doesn't work out to move on, because that is karma, and to accept it.

For this reason I've accepted everything that's happened to this point in my life as being perfect in getting me where I am today. God has someone wonderful in store for me, I just have to accept that it is not my turn. Maybe I have more work to do to deserve that person. Jack is not that person. I cannot change how he feels. There is nothing I can do but pray for peace in my life, do the best I can to be a good person, and feel content with each day as it is.

peace.

I understand now what was wrong...

For a little while I had forgotten my sense of purpose, felt lost, and therefore felt panic because I wasn't getting happiness from the things that gave me a reason to live.

God put us all on this Earth for a reason. These are the things that will give me a sense of fulfillment, happiness, and therefore will no longer experience these panic attacks:

1. Study to achieve good grades. When I'm studying I will better relax.
2. Play guitar to achieve those goals that Jacob will help me set. When I reach those goals I will feel more fulfilled.
3. Spend time with all kinds of different people because God has given me the gift of understanding a wide variety of people...

That's all I have to say today.

peace. 

22. New Years Resolutions and other stuff.

Sup guys?

Just got back from a very long seven hour shift at work. Jay informed me that I will be getting paid for those 30 hours.... in another two weeks. Fuck, I'm getting really tired of this. He told me I'd be getting paid for those hours on my last paycheck. Thank God I don't have an apartment or a family to feed otherwise they'd be pretty irritated and hungry. haha

So, that Zach (a.k.a.Berry, Brenna's friend from awhile back that stopped talking to me abruptly) guy really proved himself to be a complete puke, but luckily had some closure with him. Last night he spontaniously texted me after not talking for four weeks, "Wanna hook up again?" I had deleted his number, so I texted him back "Who's this?" and he's like "Berry." Five minutes later, as I responded when I was on break he writes "Well?" Ugh. Obviously, zero respect for me. Have I wanted to hook up with him again? Yes. But do I have dignity? ..Or am I at least working on it? Yes. First, sort of dumbfounded, I said "Dude don't you have a girlfriend?"
After driving home, pissed off that he texted me about it in the first place, I also wrote, in a nutshell: "And honestly, I don't want to hook up with you again. I didn't want the "hookup" to be just that but you manipulated me by acting like you actually had feelings toward me. Fuck no, I'd rather not make that mistake again." <- That's actually a little nicer than what it said, but it was basically the same thing. Also, I sound a lot less pathetic than that. Anyway, he told me he didn't have a girlfriend and that he didn't have a committment of any kind with anyone. Yet you post statuses with that gross dumpy girl all the time? Errm, I'm sure she wouldn't be thrilled if she knew he was trying to hook up.

Anyway, he didn't respond until this morning at like 6' am. I was up because I was getting ready for work. He told me that when we hooked up he didn't know I was moving. What a cheap ass excuse. I told him I wasn't moving until September, but regardless he shouldn't base his opinions of someone around when they're moving or not. This went on for awhile with long time stretches in between texts. I had to go to work, so we were having this conversation throughout the day. This is why I hate texting.

Long story (well, not really) short, he made the excuse that he's moving in June. Great, good ridance. Seriously I could give a shit. I really wanted to bitch him out but at this point, but I offered to still be friends to be on good terms, though re-reminded him that I don't want a fuck buddy or any of that bullshit. He responded "nah." Great! 'Have a nice life :)' is what I wrote back. I didn't bitch him out because I'd rather he didn't spread any garbage around about me.

This might sound like a sob story, but for me it's actually a story of strength for me. Yes, I didn't nessasarily tell him straight and bitch him out like I would of to almost anyone that gave me shit online or via text, but this is a huge step for me. I DIDN'T hook up with him. I went on a night walk with Lindy after work, and stayed home. I TOLD HIM NO.

Which leads me to my New Years resolutions for 2012.

2012 Resolutions

1. Be more of a bitch. Bitches have self worth.

Now, a bitch in a sense that I will no longer be a pushover toward men. I will save my kindness and patience for work and the people that I actually care about. This year I was manipulated, and had a vicious cycle of bad men and rejections, making my trust in men very VERY slim. But I'm still alive, STD free, and I still look pretty damn good even if I've gone through an emotional hellride.

2. Get more sleep. 

This is really important. I haven't been getting a good amount of ZzZ's in forever. Especially with my school schedule starting so early in the morning. I'm gonna be waking up at 5'. Barely made it to work on time (scheduled at 7:45) when I woke up at 6:30.

3. Learn all the System of a Down songs on guitar.

Well, probably won't learn all of them, but I'll get the best chunk done that I can. I've already got two down (Hypnotize and Soil), and I'm working on a third (Holy Mountains).

4. Have Faith in myself.

I need to stop wasting so much energy on putting myself down because of the mistakes I've made that have left me sad and humiliated. I have nothing in life to be humiliated for. Those weird fat coupon ladies with their toddlers? They have something to be humiliated for, and they have way more self confidence than I do.

I have really spent too much time in my life being miserable, and it's time to make an effort to be a happier person. Because I'm 20 years old, that's like a 4th of my life that I've spent miserable. I don't need anyone to give me the happiness I deserve. I have to find it myself. There's nothing a man can give me that can make me genuinely happy. It's all lust, it's all short lived. Most relationships are complete bullshit and people just get in them for the attention and admiration/envy of others. I need to find this happiness myself.

5. Develop a closer relationship with God.

I'm tired of being afraid of dying. My anxieties are worsening and I need help.

Pretty powerful goals. But I am feeling like this year will be a breakthrough for me. No, things might not nessasarily change that dramatically, but I can only try and improve my life one step at a time. And I really think these goals will help me. I've been trying to keep a possitive outlook on things. Guitar and hanging out with Jake has helped a lot.

yours,

Emily