5 more days of naked skin.

Even if it's only 10:15 AM I'm going to write.

Nothing out of the ordinary will happen today. My to-do list for the day is:
1. Read the last legal chapter.
2. Math- 30 minutes of studying..
3. >90 minutes of guitar
4. Couple problems from accounting assignment.

Last night I started the Chapter 15 assignment and got a couple out of the way. God, I've been trying to practice these flash card but these formulas are very difficult to remember. So I'm sure I'll spend about an hour and a half-two hours on accounting today. I actually need to give some TLC to my other classes though because I've been slacking in law. I've got my LAST Cengage assignment to do today, as well as print the study guide. 

God, Jessika posted something just rude as Hell as her status yesterday. I'll post it:
I no longer congratulate anyone who gets engaged..instead i say good luck? no seriously. you need it

I'm like, haha okay jealous much? I honestly don't know many people that can act as repulsive as she does. It's like, yeah I'm sure your friends that have recently gotten engaged really appreciate your blessing, hahaha. 

A lot of people might wonder why I leave Jessika on my friends list if I "don't like her." Though I can honestly say I would never spend time with her again, I won't say I don't like her. I neither like or dislike her. But she is an inspiration for me. She's a "friendemy," the type of person that would take pleasure in seeing me fail... 

Which is just another reason I work as hard as I do. Sometimes when I absolutely do NOT feel like studying, I'll go onto the profiles of my "friendemys" and see what they've been up too or look at their photo. Typically doing so inspires me to study. So I'm actually thankful for Jessika, having had her in my life I now have one more reason to succeed. 

So for this reason, my few friendemys hold as much importance to me as my everyday friends/acquaintances. Jessika stopped being my friend (though we were never close) about the time I started getting good at guitar. She couldn't take that I had self confidence. Damn right. :)

...Because I do have confidence, regardless of the shit I've dealt with in trying to find a working relationship. It's sad to say I've always wanted one these past two years and I've just been mixed up with the WRONG men... Almost all of which I now realize are WAY below my league. Creepy mother fuckers that took advantage of my insecurities in 2011. Not anymore. 


Since the beginning of 2012 the guys that I've liked have been a BIG change from 2011 standards wise. I mean the guys that I've liked this year just haven't worked out because either A) I was leaving (like Josh K.), or B) Our personalities didn't "click.." (like Jason T.) or C) They're indecisive morons (like Jack O. or most recently this guy Jed...) God, the J names, hahahaha..

So that's actually an improvement from 2011. I know in my heart things will get better eventually. It's a matter of finding a guy who's good enough for me now. Not many guys can deal with having a girlfriend who's as independent as I am. It intimidates them. 

I don't care. All I know is I love who I am and what I've become with music...

This tattoo is going to be a declaration of that. Sometimes I don't even believe that I do play. Like I'll practice and even if it sounds awesome it's like I don't give myself the credit that "Yes, this is ME playing this..." Now that I'm getting into more improvisation I will be able to give myself more credit as a musician. It's something that will give me a daily reminder that..

This is who I am. In less than a year I can't believe how far I've come, and sometimes I think how fast it's happened is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time believing it. 

I believe I was blessed with much of the same makeup as my Grandpa Dennis Brown's brain. He played  guitar as well, and according to my Grandma's friend Mark he learned extremely quickly... just like me! He also loved history, knew an insane amount of information that's... sometimes not entirely relevant to everyday life but he still took the time to learn it. Again, that's just like me. 

He lived stoned. He had panic attacks. He was loved by many. He was Jewish. I miss and think about him almost every day and it makes me tear up just thinking about him now because he's given me so much in life. Even if he passed away when I was in the 5th grade, I feel like he's living on with me in spirit.

When I have trouble sometimes I will pray and ask my ancestors to tell me the right answers to my problems and give me guidance via intuition. Sometimes I will meditate, focusing my mind on the brain stem and my opening heart chakra. 

I will visualize my problems-- whether it's with guys, anxiety, whatever, then by opening my heart chakra I'm submitting myself to God and my ancestors to give me answers to these problems. Usually when I come out of meditation I know the right answer. So I believe in my heart that I am loved in alternate dimensions and that the spirits of those that have lived before me have given me an opportunity to live this life and they are willing to give me the answers if I ask. 

November was the month that my Grandpa passed away so this time of year can be very hard but spiritually I feel quite at peace. 

peace. 

My party! A quick overview.

Now that a day has passed and I feel more relaxed and restored, I can talktalktalktalk about everything that's happened. This blog might be broken up into a few entries, but I'll start with writing about my party.

The party had an incredible turnout. Throughout the night I'm pretty sure I got at least 30 people, and only a few people that RSVP'd as coming flaked out. All the people that I really wanted to come showed up though, including Robert, Tyler and Logan which was amazing considering the crowd that was there. Tyler doesn't like crowds much and has never really followed through with plans that I make, but times have changed I suppose!

Speaking of those guys, I got the incredible news that Chelsea and Robert are engaged. It was so funny when they announced it to us because Tyler, Logan and I already knew but we played it off like we didn't. I admit that Chelsea and I weren't necessarily besties in highschool, and I'm sure I said some things about her that weren't favorable to Robert a long time ago, but my opinions of her have changed a lot. She was totally cool at my party, she's really made Robert happy, they love eachother so much and I'm really excited for their wedding next May.

The party started at 8' PM, which means it was pretty light out when people started showing up. I had picked up Taylor M. because she didn't have a ride, then Katelynn and Alan showed up. There wasn't much setting up to do because my Mom had it covered, and my head was still sort of on backwards like it was at graduation. 

On the left is Tim. Jessika had showed up with him, having told him I was interested in a relationship and he came to hang out with me apparently. Jessika and Tim were being very reclusive. Tim had been excited to hang out with Katelynn and Alan as well, but that was cut short when Jessika decided to leave about 20 minutes after getting here to go smoke weed with Tim. She was angry at me and acting really rude to all of my guests and I had no idea why. I ended up texting her about it and she flipped out on me but that story is for another entry.

A picture of me, Logan and Tyler. Robert was originally in this I thought but he ducked out with Chelsea. He probably felt a little awkward and didn't want Chelsea to feel excluded. Chelsea would of been fine in the picture too, though! 

The ki-be drama kids started coming in around 9:30 pm. They certainly made it a party! They all had such a good energy because they were ready to have a good time. I set up the movie in the yard but everyone pretty much talked, hung out and munched the whole time. I was sort of unprepared for food because I was slightly broke. 

Here's me and Taylor. I unexpectedly jumped on his lap to take a picture. Every person that was there I made sure to make a point to tell them that I was glad they were there and made sure to give them a hug at some point in the night. Reason being, I have no idea when I will see any of these people again in my life. Not saying I don't guarantee I'll see Samantha, Shawn and those guys again.. haha I'm going to Sam's house tomorrow more than likely. But people like those in my Japanese class that I never really had much of a close relationship with outside of class, I really don't know. I'm sure I will go to other meet ups and such if there are some, but if not I hope they all have successful and happy lives. 

The Japanese club kids were the first ones to show up at 8:10-8:30 or so. I was happy they were so timely because I always get so worried about if people will show up or not. They hung out on the benches and chit chat for most of the time, so I was concerned they were bored but there was really nothing to worry about. A couple of them messaged me telling how much of a good time they had.

So yup, everything worked out as it should! Can't say I'm going to be having any more parties anytime soon because it's nearly impossible to have a great time at your own party without stressing out and over planning, but it was still an excellent closure to my time at CBC. 

peace.