Feelings can be difficult.

It's been a long day. I really should be working on some math but I'm saving that until tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go to math class, then spend the rest of the day preparing for my next math test on Friday. Montgomery gives us an ample amount of time to understand each concept and I appreciate that. Today I had to miss math because I was busy with accounting test preparation... yet again.

I'm lucky that both of my other classes really slowed down when this test became one of my top priorities two weeks ago. I am happy to say that's done now so that I can move on to finishing up these other two subjects strong. I have tried pretty hard in this math class, aside from the days that I probably shouldn't have skipped because I was up all night in near ecstacy the few times with Jed. Okay, I don't want to glamorize it that much... I guess you could say I was very happy to be spending time with him, and allowed myself to open up just enough to enjoy the moment before it was inevitably gone.

Subconsciously my heart is telling me that I want MORE of those moments... which I know in my mind is WRONG. He played me, TWICE. There's no forgiving him or ever being able to trust him again after that second time. That horrible week I was dealing with panic attacks.. to be honest Jed was the LAST thing on my mind, I was over him. But then all of a sudden he wanted back in.

I had talked to Ashley that day and she encouraged me to give him a second chance but warned that if he did it again, well, I guess then you know. She's right. I now know.

So thoughts of him are now pointless and burdensome. I don't want to think about him at all but somehow I still kind of keep my eye out for him when I pass his building or he comes to mind first when my phone goes off randomly. I want thoughts of him to go away... He's only brought me unnecessary pain and I hate him for it. I think he was the closest thing I've had to having any real feelings for someone since Jack... so it's hard. I cannot just pretend this is not still hard for me. At least in my blog... and the occasional facebook rant. In real life I can control exactly what I say and express to the outside world. I can act as aloof to what should be one of the most important things in a young girls life...

I'm going to save this video so I can listen to it tomorrow while I do my math. What I like about math is that I practice it and listen to videos at the same time, versus my legal homework where I really have to focus on the jargon and content. Luckily my legal class is coming somewhat easy to me now, I've really gotten the hang of these contract laws. 

Metiner said today that I presented the BEST case description that he's heard all quarter. Wow, I'm so honored.... I cannot even describe to you guys how proud of myself I am about this. I am so incredibly happy to have just remembered that. What a shame to have ended this day thinking about what doesn't really matter when I had something extraordinarily fulfilling occur. 

peace.

Why I trust NO man, I call bullshit. Endless bullshit.

Well, Jed screwed me over again. I'll explain in a minute, let me say the good things first....

 Here it is 7:35 PM. I'm lucky things don't bother me much because I've gotten almost everything I've needed to do done today. I'm super relieved right now because I originally thought my Chapter 15 test was scheduled for THIS Wednesday (when my appointment is scheduled) when it's actually on the 28th. Excellent, I have plenty of time to study for that test. Today I studied Chapter 15 for a solid hour and I intend to do another hour later. I've got NOTHING planned this weekend so all I have to do is study, relax and try to be happy on my lonesome once again... Fine with me, the stress from this previous week with this Jared-Jed situation has driven me close to the edge.

After my massive panic attack and talking to Ashley last night I texted to Jared to cut that off. I just basically told him I couldn't handle the stress of the situation, which is very true... I don't think I would have ever felt completely satisfied with Jared, at least not now-- maybe if he grew up a little bit. The age and maturity difference was just too much, even if it's just two years. I'm an extremely mature, intelligent 21 year old. Jared is an average, happy go lucky 19 year old. It just wouldn't have worked... He'll be fine, I'm having a feeling he's already pretty much forgotten about it and he's out having fun somewhere right now.

Jed though... Good God, today he made me break down into tears and almost have a panic attack because of his cruel way of treating me.

Yeah, I don't think I like this guy at all anymore... He still hasn't even added me to his f*cking facebook, like who the Hell does he think he is?

Let me re-hash what happened when he came over the other night. Nothing. We just sat together in my room, talked... He told me he was interested in starting where we had left off previously, I almost immediately forgave him for the previous experience and was happy he did.

This morning I sent him some message saying how hard it was to not kiss him, just something cute.. He responded "Lol well to be honest I think it's better if we just stay friends ya know. No drama or anything."

I'm like... Wow, what the Fuck, YOU initiated this... I just responded, "..So we're not going to spend time together then?" then "Ugh, again I wasn't expecting any relationship, I don't know if that means we'd be spending time together or what." No response...

I called my mom and cried, and she helped me realize this:
"And what drama are you referring too? Or imply will go on? I only recall you coming over here and pursuing me asking to puck up where we'd left off and now you're telling me there's drama? Like what's your deal. Lol I've been totally straight up with you and completely mellow, there must be some drama I'm not aware of."

The best response Jed could come up with was "Well you told me you got depressed after the whole thing ya know. Just want to avoid that."

I wrote, "Lol I think it's normal to be a little sad when someone you liked cuts off, but I was over it in a couple days and forgot about it. Yeah, I was sort of excited last night when you told me you potentially wanted to pick up like they were before; like cool I would like to continue to spend time with you... But now it seems you've changed your mind which makes me irritated because you're being indecisive and selfish. I don't know what you want, I just do my own thing, I happen to like you. You were the one that came back into my life and I'm confused now as to why.."

He didn't even have the courtesy to reply.

Whatever he told me today was absolute bullshit. The reason he's cutting off, or trying to, has nothing to do with MY emotions. He either found some other girl, or not... Seriously I don't even give a shit anymore. I think the messages that I sent him put him in his place. He probably has no excuse for his bullshit behavior now and is just choosing not to reply and in hopes I'll just go away again.

Well your wish is granted! If you don't want me you're not worth my time.


This weekend when I go home I'm going to get so many things taken care of that will further improve my quality of life. My parents are so, so good to me... I talked to my Dad on the phone today and he encouraged me on my accounting exam and told me that the answers to the formulas are always in what you're trying to find. He actually has a point, the more I conceptualize the easier it becomes. Even he understands this bullshit that I've been going through with men and has even shown some sympathy about it... My mom of course was there to help me today when I called, too.

I'm just so excited to go home...

What's going on this weekend: 

-Dermatologist appointment to get Differin on Wednesday at 8:00. 
My skin has cleared up quite a bit but I still break out and Differin will prevent that from happening at all. It will get me completely in control of my acne, which means I will get to spend less money on makeup. 

-Walk in doctor visit on Friday before my tattoo appointment (or after) to get perscribed Xanex. 
This will help my panic attacks. I talked to Ashley about it and she thinks it's a really good idea, as does my Mom and my Grandma Fran. Speaking of which I should probably stop over Thanksgiving to visit with Grandma, I don't know if that could create some potential hot water about my family eating at home... Or not, I don't think it could hurt. 

-Tattoo at Parkway on Friday @ 2:30
This is BIG, BIG, BIG... I can't believe it's finally coming! The only thing I'll have to figure out is the size that I want it. I'm sure we'll be able to figure that out at the tattoo shop. I'm thinking it's going to be about the height of a cigarette lighter, maybe a little bigger. I want it to be perfectly proportioned of course and in the perfect center of my neck. Location is of course crucial as well, God forbid it should be off center and have it drive me crazy... I shouldn't worry, these guys are professionals and they're going to do a beautiful job. And I'm going to love it and it's going to help me self esteem even more I believe. 

I'm now going to have a distinguished symbol that identifies me as a musician... Maybe if I have it long enough I'll start to believe that I am a musician from inside my soul. Sometimes I don't even know if I am... I sometimes find it hard to believe how skilled I've become at the guitar and it can only go up from here. 

-Seeing Katelynn on Friday.

-Seeing Samantha. 
I need to figure out what her work schedule is...

So I'm quite excited for this weekend. After this pain with Jed and panic attacks this week I want to be around the people I love more than anything....

peace.

Is having someone to cuddle with sooo much to ask? haha

Just got done with my 3rd math test about an hour ago.

It went okay, I'll probably get another B-/C, I know I did some of them right but I totally goofed on the interest problems on the back. Ironically enough that was the one thing I was supposed to learn from this course but I kept on screwing up the calculations somehow. Oh well, he knows I tried. I actually came in this morning to ask him about it but he told me I'd get some of the points if I'm just able to write the values into the formula pretty much. I'm not too worried about it.

I'm making a grilled chicken thigh with sweet potato fries right now. It's only 10:00 AM but I almost always make myself some sort of brunch meal. I'll get up in the morning, usually not have time to make myself a healthy breakfast, then come home from my math class pretty hungry.

This makes me realize that for next quarter on Mondays-Wednesdays when I have my three classes in a row from 8:00-11 AM I need to be more proactive about getting up earlier to fix myself something or have a WHOLE bowl of cereal. Usually in the morning if I try preparing myself something I don't finish the whole thing because of both lack of appetite and time constraint.

I've found "Mexican Eggs," or my version of it.. to be a total Godsend energy wise. I'll post a picture and a recipe next time I make it. Maybe I will tomorrow. I need to buy more tortillas. Better add that to my list of things I gotta buy on my next shopping trip...

Today is kind of one of those lonely days. It'll feel a lot better once I have my guitar lesson with Jacob, which is today at 5:30 PM so I'm stupid f*ing stoked to practice all day and just enjoy my time. I plan on watching nostalgic youtube videos, try to run though to scales, work on my pieces... It's going to be SUCH a nice day off today. Okay maybe it's not a lonely day after all! Ha ha see how that works?

I do miss my cat though. She's back home, earlier I wanted to cuddle up and go back to bed after that test but now that I smell lunch cooking and remembered that I've got ALL day to practice just made me feel energized. 

Once I started thinking about cuddling with Miranda I thought, 'Well shit it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with in general...' I think that was one of the main things I was excited about with Jed was having someone to wake up to occasionally. Most people don't mind sleeping alone; I certainly don't mind sleeping alone.. I mean I have my whole life so it's not like I can complain! But when Winter comes its like ugggh... it's cold. It's always been a lot easier because I had Miranda on my bed every night. 

But alas! Jed more than likely woke up next to some other girl today! Some magical girl that just realized she really should have loved Jed all along and when they drunkenly reunited at that party everything became so much clearer. That's beautiful, they're SO cute and I'm SOOOO happy for them! 

It's scenarios like this that make me feel very numb inside. I remember thinking the other day, "If I met my 16 year old self, what would she think of me..." Well I know my sixteen year old self would be extremely impressed with what I've become. When I was sixteen I wished I could play the guitar but could never do it because I never had direction with crappy instructors like Mr. Neilson. I was pretty self conscious back then so I think I would be happy to see how much confidence I've gained and how easy it's become for me to meet people. 

I don't know if meeting people was necessarily the issue when I was 16... It was more of a lack of self worth at the time. That's back when I was dating Connor and had the only relationship I've ever been able to truly enjoy. I think my sixteen year old self would be really disappointed that things never got better after Connor. I'd tell myself that things just got worse... and worse... until January 2012 when I finally just said fuck it, men just need to get the fuck away from me. 

I was so full of love and genuine emotion when I was sixteen. I feel in some ways I've grown numb and cold towards those emotions since that time. I don't even allow myself to have crushes anymore because feel that person is just going to leave me... And trying to suppress it when I actually DO have feelings for that person and they continue to be in my life leaves me much more stressed out and than happy. 

Like when I was with Jed... I kept everything super casual, I tried not to flirt hardly at all because God forbid I should indicate I wanted a relationship. I was confident, which is sexy... There was nothing I could have done differently. Yet he still disappeared, and the week prior to him doing it I was crying all the time because I knew it was coming based on the fact that he hadn't texted me hardly at all. I just know the signs.. Plus I got a feeling the moment he'd left that morning. 

So it's a good thing I didn't allow myself to get too attached. That night when we were laying together, just momentarily I was laying against his side with his arm around me and I thought to myself, "Man... this is nice..." I took a second to really enjoy the moment because subconsciously I just knew this wouldn't last like everything else. 

..I remember I'd gotten up early to go to Math class and came back and he was still in my bed sleeping. He indicated that he wanted me to come lay back down but I didn't let myself even if I'd wanted too. I wanted to indicate that I'm not a lazy person, once I am up for the day I don't go back to bed. That and I could just tell by his body language that it would be my last time seeing him. 

Hoping my intuition wasn't true, I figured it'd be a cute gesture to make some pancakes for us for breakfast. I started making them and shortly after he practically bolted out the door to meet up with some friend.... So there I was in my kitchen staring at this bowl of pancake mix for two people with nothing to do with it. I ended up making two BIG, 10 inch pancakes, dumping a bunch of strawberries/sugar, and whipped cream on top and scarfing it myself. I just didn't give a f*ck. 

We really didn't talk for the whole next week. I thought about him quite a bit but didn't text him because he wasn't texting me first at all. I was just getting sick of the whole thing, tired of not knowing how he felt about me, knowing this probably wasn't going anywhere and it was just a matter of time before I wouldn't be able to spend time with him anymore... And look what happened! Exactly what I predicted! 

So to those of you that think being pretty makes a significant difference on the amount of bullshit girls have to go through you're wrong. In fact to be honest with you if you're pretty you're worse off in your early 20's because most of the guys in your dating pool are just trying to have sex with as many girls as they can. 

Disgusting.

Which is why I am numb, and probably will be for a very long time. 

I don't even give a shit anymore you guys, seriously. I'm perfectly fine without someone, it's just frustrating this time of year to feel alone and cold. But to say "Alone" for me is comical because I have such an incredible network of people that I talk to... it's just, there's always something missing in *that* regard. But because my life has improved immensely over the past year I can't complain too much. I just gotta continue to deal with it and not allow more Jed's to come into my life. 

It's just not worth it, the stress of liking someone is way worse than the numbness of not liking anyone. 

peace.