Your face looks famished.

Yo.

Today was a good day, got a lot of work done.. Definitely more than what I would anticipate on a Monday but that's what I have to do in order to validate skipping my legal class.

Wow, suddenly I feel panicked in writing this. I hope I do not associate blogging with panic, now, the purpose of this blog is to get me AWAY from panic. But maybe the feeling of being very inside my own head is what's scaring me. I'll turn on some happy music.

Anyway let's see, what I got done:

-Called the post office. Then ran down there.... 9:30 am. They jacked my mail so I called them and they told me they had my mail on hold. So I drove down there, and... somehow there was no mail there for me. I'm like, okay then why did you call me down here?
Okay, I shouldn't say "jacked my mail." In all honesty, I hadn't checked my damn mail box in two weeks, but don't tell my Mom that. Especially when I am expecting a somewhat important piece of mail. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure to check it. I need to start checking it at least once a week or I could miss out on some important things... My roommate never checks the mail so it's my responsibility. All of the mail that's come has been for me anyway.

-Finished accounting assignment. Sort of. . . I was feeling facebook-y after my math class, ate a bunch of food, and it wasn't until about 11:00 that I actually started on what I needed to get done. One of the problems was ridiculously long, but luckily Holtfreter didn't notice at all.
I'm happy to say I got full homework credit in that class, perfect attendance too. The same can't be said about my legal class, but unless he changes it tonight I've got 100% participation.

-Studied accounting flashcards for a solid 40 minutes. Tomorrow I go into the process of trying to better understand Chapter 12, do a few of those assignments, then probably re-do some assignments in Chapter 15 as well. That's going to take 2-3 hours but I'm going to divide it out throughout the day like today so that it's less overwhelming.

-STARTING to make a little progress on my math... I am still having a hard time getting my calculator to do what I want it to do, and apparently I have to get it set up properly for this thing called "vars" that makes no sense to me. I'm just trying to master these kind of problems right now.
I will probably need to seek outside help on Thursday. This will probably be the first and only time I'll go to the math tutoring center. I keep on talking about going there but usually by that point I understand the material to the point that I don't need it. I always hate this part of the math quarter where there's two back to back tests, it's a pain. At least I don't have to do that in accounting.

-Practiced for 70 minutes. I've gotten a lot better on Wherever I May Roam, but I'm probably not working on pentatonics as much as I should. I'm really not in the mood to do it tonight but tomorrow I'm planning on doing a solid 40 minutes of just pentatonics and working with the backing tracks.


So it's almost 10 and I've just been chilling now, drinking my tea. I only took one lorazapam today and one half Bronkaid instead of the two that I had to take the past couple days to deal with the anxiety. I talked to Seth F. today and he told me that he used to have hour long panic attacks and told me he could offer some suggestions with dealing with them. I hope that when we hang out when I come back into town for Christmas break we can talk about that so I can gain even more methods in dealing with it.

I'd like to say it's almost completely under control now. I described to Katelynn and my Mom that my mind is too fickle to stay focused on something as natural as breathing. I'll be breathing until the day I die, so why focus on it? But it seems labored breathing is the first symptom to feeling the panic attacks come on, and when I let them get out of hand my limbs tingle, my heart beats faster and faster and I believe there's something sincerely wrong. Almost like there is a lump in my throat and it becomes to easy to believe that it could get out of hand...

This is Kristin, she has schizophrenia which she she openly discusses on her channel, including some of the common misconceptions people have about schizophrenic people. This video in particular is about school anxiety, and I used to really like to listen to it because her voice is pleasant but now I feel I can actually relate to it. Panic is by far one of the worst things I've experienced (well, maybe not as bad as the years of depression I faced but it's pretty tough) but I'm lucky there's a vast amount of people that have gone through it as well that are willing to share their thoughts on it.

I can happily say I did not have any panic attacks today, though I did notice feeling the breathing sensation during my accounting class and wanting to get out of there quickly. Once the Lorazapam kicked in I was able to overcome this anxiousness and feel peaceful as I quickly jotted down all the answers to today's homework. That's what it's there for.

I'm pretty sure one of my first highschool crushes is now addicted to meth. Out of curiosity I looked up his profile on facebook and he looks quite... famished. I can't explain it, meth heads evolve into zombies over time, it's quite sad. 

It's about time for me to go to bed now. Goodnight everyone, I'm hoping by this time on Wednesday I'll be writing to you about how I did well on the accounting final and have nothing to worry about but I've still got some major studying to do before I'm ready for 10:00.

peace. 

Finger chops

Ha ha I made this meme today. I've been sitting in my room watching Netflix (well, TV essentially) and practicing the guitar since I've got home. ..I did a load a laundry and did the dishes but other than that. I really should've studied more than I did in the breakroom today.

I also made some delicious peanut butter cookies. I've never made them before. Right now they're sitting in the freezer hidden in a vegetable bag.

Today I worked. Work was bland, boring. It's sort of funny, everyone thinks I'm so serious because I don't laugh at their jokes. I'm not serious at all, I'm just very professional in my job and don't like to risk having problems with people. I just like to do my job and go home. Jay gives me a lot of shit but just to joke around. I really get the feeling that Jodi doesn't like me, but sort of puts up with me. It doesn't matter anyway, I'll just continue to try not to get on anyone's bad side. Being quiet and smiling at people is always the best policy in retail. People can't get mad at you for things that THEY say themselves.

I caught up with Robert and Dale last night, that was intense. I haven't talked to them in ages, since I was 16 at least. They seemed very happy to hear from me, but they're very depressing to talk too. One of the first things Robert said to me was that he wishes he was seventeen again. He deals with the loss of my Grandpa by saying he was always on drugs but at the same time clearly deeply misses him. My grandma takes care of Robert and Dale for the most part, as my Grandpa did at one time.

Tomorrow I've got guitar lessons. This has been a good week, I certainly practiced a lot. The only day that I didn't meet my quota was the 26th, and did 2 hours 40 minutes instead of 3. This is intense, I'm pretty proud of the amount of practice I'm putting in. I still don't feel like I've got much to show for the practice though, song wise. I've got a few under my belt, but it still needs work. Learning songs by System of a Down had to be put on hold because I needed to break away from the weird tunings.

It's almost like, my fingers are now almost fully trained to do the work that I want to do. Jacob called them "chops," though I thought the wording was weird because "chops" makes me think of singing range. It's true though, I need "Chops" in my fingers to have the ability to pick at difficult speeds, make different stretches, etc... I feel like I could learn a very wide variety of songs now. It's just a matter of picking the songs, getting the right tabs, and having the patience to learn something new even if it's not ideal.

Because of course before learning a song was a huge committment because it would take hours and hours to even make a tiny bit of progress on it. Now that I've improved somewhat it's easier to pick up new tabs and some easier songs I can get the hang of in an hour or two. Unless they're songs with chords, those are a challenge for me because it requires some amount of your OWN rhythm versus copying the song exactly.

My art has always been copying, from my drawing and now with music. I hope that I get good enough at guitar to sort of experiment with my own stuff. I remember even when I got really good at the trumpet I was never able to solo or anything like that because I was never able to let go with it. If I keep working at this though maybe it'll be better.

My manicure has already been chipping off all over. That's okay, I got sick of the red quickly. I should of gotten a pastel color but I was really out of it that day. My sister has a tendency to emotionally drain me, especially when I'm trying to just have a good time hanging out with her and she's ragging on me about every damn little thing. "OH Emily don't leave those leftovers in here, it'll STINK my car up!" ...Anal, much?

Gonna get going, going to work out for a little while, probably play some more, study some flashcards... do what I have to do to get set up for the week ahead. Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week, and then Thursday I get paid. Just not looking forward to working again all weekend.

peace.