5 more days of naked skin.

Even if it's only 10:15 AM I'm going to write.

Nothing out of the ordinary will happen today. My to-do list for the day is:
1. Read the last legal chapter.
2. Math- 30 minutes of studying..
3. >90 minutes of guitar
4. Couple problems from accounting assignment.

Last night I started the Chapter 15 assignment and got a couple out of the way. God, I've been trying to practice these flash card but these formulas are very difficult to remember. So I'm sure I'll spend about an hour and a half-two hours on accounting today. I actually need to give some TLC to my other classes though because I've been slacking in law. I've got my LAST Cengage assignment to do today, as well as print the study guide. 

God, Jessika posted something just rude as Hell as her status yesterday. I'll post it:
I no longer congratulate anyone who gets engaged..instead i say good luck? no seriously. you need it

I'm like, haha okay jealous much? I honestly don't know many people that can act as repulsive as she does. It's like, yeah I'm sure your friends that have recently gotten engaged really appreciate your blessing, hahaha. 

A lot of people might wonder why I leave Jessika on my friends list if I "don't like her." Though I can honestly say I would never spend time with her again, I won't say I don't like her. I neither like or dislike her. But she is an inspiration for me. She's a "friendemy," the type of person that would take pleasure in seeing me fail... 

Which is just another reason I work as hard as I do. Sometimes when I absolutely do NOT feel like studying, I'll go onto the profiles of my "friendemys" and see what they've been up too or look at their photo. Typically doing so inspires me to study. So I'm actually thankful for Jessika, having had her in my life I now have one more reason to succeed. 

So for this reason, my few friendemys hold as much importance to me as my everyday friends/acquaintances. Jessika stopped being my friend (though we were never close) about the time I started getting good at guitar. She couldn't take that I had self confidence. Damn right. :)

...Because I do have confidence, regardless of the shit I've dealt with in trying to find a working relationship. It's sad to say I've always wanted one these past two years and I've just been mixed up with the WRONG men... Almost all of which I now realize are WAY below my league. Creepy mother fuckers that took advantage of my insecurities in 2011. Not anymore. 


Since the beginning of 2012 the guys that I've liked have been a BIG change from 2011 standards wise. I mean the guys that I've liked this year just haven't worked out because either A) I was leaving (like Josh K.), or B) Our personalities didn't "click.." (like Jason T.) or C) They're indecisive morons (like Jack O. or most recently this guy Jed...) God, the J names, hahahaha..

So that's actually an improvement from 2011. I know in my heart things will get better eventually. It's a matter of finding a guy who's good enough for me now. Not many guys can deal with having a girlfriend who's as independent as I am. It intimidates them. 

I don't care. All I know is I love who I am and what I've become with music...

This tattoo is going to be a declaration of that. Sometimes I don't even believe that I do play. Like I'll practice and even if it sounds awesome it's like I don't give myself the credit that "Yes, this is ME playing this..." Now that I'm getting into more improvisation I will be able to give myself more credit as a musician. It's something that will give me a daily reminder that..

This is who I am. In less than a year I can't believe how far I've come, and sometimes I think how fast it's happened is one of the reasons that I have such a hard time believing it. 

I believe I was blessed with much of the same makeup as my Grandpa Dennis Brown's brain. He played  guitar as well, and according to my Grandma's friend Mark he learned extremely quickly... just like me! He also loved history, knew an insane amount of information that's... sometimes not entirely relevant to everyday life but he still took the time to learn it. Again, that's just like me. 

He lived stoned. He had panic attacks. He was loved by many. He was Jewish. I miss and think about him almost every day and it makes me tear up just thinking about him now because he's given me so much in life. Even if he passed away when I was in the 5th grade, I feel like he's living on with me in spirit.

When I have trouble sometimes I will pray and ask my ancestors to tell me the right answers to my problems and give me guidance via intuition. Sometimes I will meditate, focusing my mind on the brain stem and my opening heart chakra. 

I will visualize my problems-- whether it's with guys, anxiety, whatever, then by opening my heart chakra I'm submitting myself to God and my ancestors to give me answers to these problems. Usually when I come out of meditation I know the right answer. So I believe in my heart that I am loved in alternate dimensions and that the spirits of those that have lived before me have given me an opportunity to live this life and they are willing to give me the answers if I ask. 

November was the month that my Grandpa passed away so this time of year can be very hard but spiritually I feel quite at peace. 

peace. 

I have nothing to do on my 21st birthday.

I've sort of dreaded turning 21 for a number of reasons, the predominant one being that I feel obligated to do something but I have nothing to do here.

It's 6:30 PM. I just got home from my legal class. Accounting and that legal class back to back can certainly wear me out, but because I only have to do it twice a week it's more than manageable. So far I've really only attended class, come back to the apartment, studied and played my guitar. So things've certainly become more convenient to achieve in my classes than back home because there aren't nearly as many distractions. I'm truly free to live however I want too and I've created this nest of activities that I like to do throughout my day. Unfortunately this can have tendency to pull me away for much need of social interaction. 

I look back on all the musicians I've known in my life and now I know why they're so flaky. To me, the guitar really is like a drug. When I can't have it I feel panicked and sort of out of focus with what I need to do throughout my day. When I play exercises I'll often ponder-- "What was it that I needed to get done this evening? Oh yea..!" and get whatever I need to get done finished. I feel like my brain just works better when I have a good practice regime. 

But I look back on my old life before the guitar and how I'd fill that time with more social interaction. I would go out and seek entertainment from people; like people that were also into the Japanese thing, even guys that I probably shouldn't have been spending time with just because I was bored with my life. The guitar has sort of filled this void as well as my need for love/companionship.

I'm sort of irritated with Jason right now because he hasn't texted me for the second day in a row. I assume he's just very busy, pursuing a double major and all.. I'd like to hope he's not just avoiding me but if that's the path he chooses there's nothing I can do about it. That's the thing about emotions, I've really come to stop getting emotional about things that I absolutely cannot control... And Jason is one of those things. He's a guy that likes me, or did like me and might be having second thoughts about it; clearly. Whether he decides to continue this... errm... "relationship." But don't call it that because it's not one. It's kind of dating I'd suppose. Spending time together. 

...Whether he decides to spend time with me again is his decision and I can only be myself and see what lies ahead. 

Unfortunately my birthday is coming up and I have no idea how I'll be spending it. It's this Monday but if I wanted to do something I guess it'd have to be this weekend or next. You can't really postpone celebrating a birthday too much further than that because it loses it's meaning. 

My last birthday was a complete disaster because I spent it at one of Jessika's disgusting parties with her alcoholic, 30 year old roommate trying to get with me. I look back on those scenarios and all I can say is Thank God by life has come to a 180 degree turn. I swear it's all thanks to my guitar, I never again felt that need to get the approval of others because I always have something to fall back on when I'm feeling sad or depressed. It's magical what an instrument can do to your life. 

My 20th year was good for the most part, however. It turned around at the beginning of 2012 when I started setting goals to practice an hour a day. This goal setting of course increased rapidly when I started getting lessons with Jacob and my whole outlook on life changed for the better. 

This year was calm, I worked at my boring job at Rite aid but it was safe and it kept me out of trouble for the most part. I remember in March or so I'd get texts from that disgusting tool Barry asking if I wanted to get together. I finally had the courage to tell him to fuck off after the confidence boost from playing guitar. See how this all ties together? 

Anyway, since this new adjustment my confidence I had back home is taking awhile to come forward. I feel confident in class because I study the Hell out of the material but socially I'm having a hard time finding people I'd want to spend time with outside of my little day to day schedule. Maybe I don't have too. I just feel like there's some expectancy in college to drink and party and if I don't I'm not getting the full experience. 

My mom kept on saying, "You need to have fun!!" I do have fun, but for the last year or so I haven't done any partying or anything. That leaves me with this birthday in a week. I don't know what I'm going to do for it because I haven't really made any friends up here at Central that I've hung out with outside of class, aside from Jason who right now doesn't seem to want to spend time with me what-so-ever. I would want to spend it with Katelynn but I just drove home this last weekend and don't feel like going to the tri cities AGAIN this upcoming weekend. 

I want to have fun on my 21st birthday.... even if I really hate getting drunk because it makes me extremely ill. I took three shots at Shawn's party, with food and a LOT of water but still got extremely sick the next day and it completely killed any fun that I'd had the previous night because I was doubled over the toilet puking my guts out. F*ck, I hate drinking. 

peace. 

You can't be something your not. Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me

My ego is so big and I think I'm soooo hot, just like Paris Hilton. Ha ha ha.

Jessika called a couple days ago freaking out and I didn't pick up her phone calls; for obvious reasons, one being I didn't want to deal with a manic girl and second because I was practicing. Last night when I was over at Katelynn's house I realized she'd left a message. Jessika left me a text saying "Did you get my voicemail?" and I listened to a five minute rant from her about how I've made her so upset and frustrated with me. Originally this was happening via text, but I'm sure she realized going into an argument with me via text is debate suicide because I'm much better at making my point via text than speaking.

To avoid any problems with getting my point across when I actually do speak to her, I wrote down all of my rebuttals. I'd post them here but that might be too personal, even for me; well that and I'd want no chance of her finding them. I take on arguments like a politician; quick, effective, direct. She gave me the time to prepare this as well as a RECORDING of how frantic she was acting about this, when really I did nothing to her at all. 

She's trying really hard to make me out like the bad guy that has been making snide comments and accusing her of being something she's not (i.e. "slut"). I've never called her a slut, but I did comment that she flirts a lot.  Because she does, she flirts blatantly with everyone. She told me on the way to Robert's party that she'd want somebody to flirt with, she always has to have that. I'm sorry if my party "Wasn't her crowd" because she didn't have some guy to flirt with and hang all over. She's gross, her reputation IS bad, people DO think she's a slut. I've witnessed how she works, she's ashamed of it, and now she's freaking out on me because she thinks I've discovered the truth about her. No, I've known all along. She's painfully easy to read. 

The honest root of all this is jealousy. The reason that I know this for a fact is that the better I get at the guitar and the more confident I feel about myself, the more cold and "angry" she gets with me. She's acting just as I did towards Katelynn in the 7th grade. That indicates a bad friend that doesn't actually want what's best for me, so I'm going to cut things off when we actually get a chance to talk. I'd like to get my point across though, and she can take it or leave it. 

Yesterday I had a really good day in town with Katelynn. I'm really broke so I probably shouldn't have spent the money to go out to eat. We went to Red Robin and got turkey burgers, this is me and Katelynn's favorite. She also ordered a hummus platter that was really freaking good. I feel like I've been so cheap around her lately with everything but it's because I've been so broke, it's embarrassing. My mom needs to pay me back, she still owes me $260.. that's like my entire last paycheck. My dad paid me back for the tuition money but I need to check and see if it got put into my bank account or what. 

I ended up sleeping on Katelynn's couch. I had anticipated maybe spending more time with Connor but he had to work all night.

I don't want to worry about money... not right this second anyway, it's 9:00 and I've probably got until 11:30 before anyone bothers me. Today's going to be another great day I think, got guitar lessons which is always a nice refresher. Might also be spending a little time at House. We'll see.

peace. 

Walking through the forests

Hello all.

Right now I'm sitting in Jessika's room, they just ran off together. We had a really nice walk in Zintar Canyon and Jessika's grandma's house is super comfortable. It's the kind of thrifty old wooden house that I like. I'm showing Tim this band called Porcupine Tree that I absolutely love and think he would too. Jessika had invited me over to jam with her friend Tim who she told me was really skilled. I was initially very intimidated by this but now that I've been taking lessons with Jacob I feel more confident in my skills. Annnyway....

Jamming went fine, he plays mainly cords and writes some of his own music. He was pretty impressed by my playing abilities having only played six months. I just needed the right tools-- which was my teacher, a lot of time and patience.

They're sort of just sitting there. They said they feel so chill right now, so I think they like my music taste.

I went to Katharine's graduation party today, that was also a pretty good experience. I caught up with a bunch of people and also met a couple of Katharine's friends from Central. Katharine's friends were really neat, I was impressed, especially this one really tan girl that looked like a blast to spend time with. This was also a good experience I really wanted a chance to talk to Khylee and Tim for some reason... I feel like their most lasting impression of me was back six years ago when I was a very offensive, loud moron.

But obviously I've changed since then. Khylee and Tim though, they don't seem like they've changed that much. They've always been smarter than most of the people in their class, they're witty, and I've always felt like they haven't liked me much because they've always sneered at whatever I say. Probably because Tim is one of those people that you say always something stupid around... My Mom said his Dad is sort of like that too, intimidatingly intelligent people. There are few people that intimidate me in this way, but Tim is one of them. Anyway, actually had a seemingly normal conversation with both of them today so that was nice.

I don't care much what people think of me, but I like to think I've made a half decent impression.

alright I'm gonna go to bed.

peace.

No time for pity.

As somewhat expected nothing with Jessika ended up happening.

I texted her about it after work around 4, asking her if she still wanted to jam and she responded "Yes ma'am." I remember thinking, "Okay, good deal.." and responded asking her what time it would start. No response for awhile, then she told me that her friend had flaked. As in the guy she was telling me has been helping her out with the guitar and so eagerly wanted to me to meet a few weeks back. I then offered for just us to play, I mean why did we need this guy to jam together? She then told me that she was at her parents house and that she had no guitar there.

I then offered the resolution of bringing both my guitars. I mean I have an acoustic. She was the one that brought it up in the first place so I figured she'd appreciate the offer, but then she sort of snapped at me that she's "With her family doesn't doesn't want to ignore everyone" and that I'm the one who HAS to play guitar. Ugh. Again, she was the one who wanted to, so I just wanted to give her options outside of what she had intended. She really wanted me to jam with her a few weeks back, but only under the circumstance that some guy is there who is, according to Jessika, a pro at guitar and can "help us out." (I put this in quotes because this is what she said, not out of tone)

I'm not really seeking much help outside of what my current routine. My habits are getting worse, this week I didn't meet my 180 mark three times. :( Better do a little extra tonight and tomorrow.

Last night I hung out with Connor and we had a very nice time together. He's gotten really laid back around me, and we respect eachother to an extent. Like, we're both very stubborn people and we can both be such assholes to one another but we click very well. I don't know if there's any feelings there necessarily. We're physically attracted to eachother and have similar personality types, but actually dating again would be sort of silly and out of the question. He's got a lot going on and so do I, but he might actually be moving up to Bellingham at the same time I will be.

That's one thing about Connor though is you really don't know what he's up too. He sometimes seems like he's majorly talking out of his ass, but then he manages to ACTUALLY DO what he says he was going to do and has proof of it. He's not stupid, either. Regardless of having the appearance of being a rather lazy hippie with his dreadlocks and beanies, he's really intelligent and manipulative. We get along well, but I'm not sure how much time we'll be spending with eachother during the summer. By the sound of it, he's going to be travelling all over the place.

I'm sort of nervous about this summer. Not because I'm moving or anything but because I think about last summer and how lonely it seemed. Man, it's really been a year since the Guy Stevens fiasco. It was about this time last year that I was hanging out with Cory Bunn, Josh Fischer and that Ed guy. It was back then that I was packing those silly bento lunches for myself and trying to figure out some stupid identity for myself. It was all so fake. I'm happy I'm no longer like this. ANYWAY! Looking to the future now...

I'm assuming this summer I'll continue to just do my thing. But without much of a purpose on the weekdays, I'll have to either find more hours of work somewhere, or maybe just stay home and apply for a bunch of scholarships I don't know. Summers are tricky because it's a lot of time to consolidate. This is definitely going to be my last summer living in the tri cities, which is an interesting thought. I think I think about this kind of thing too often and shouldn't be so high strung.

I hope something magical happens this summer. I've been pretty patient. >:(

peace.