6 hour study day.... go!

I decided today is going to be my BIG study day, my goal is SIX hours total.

My to-do list today is pretty crazy so I've got to get started early. Math has me extremely paranoid and frustrated because my instructor never writes out the steps of anything-- I have to annotate everything he says and I end up missing other steps. It doesn't help that the textbook is completely useless.

But if I do these six hours of study today I should be a lot better off for next week and I'll feel more prepared than I did this week. Most of my first tests are in this upcoming week as well so I should definitely be re-saturating the information in my brain, getting a chance to sleep on it, and re-studying it the next day to get a better understanding than the previous day.

This has been working with my legal class. I've been studying that for a couple hours each day and I've already got a better understanding of the court system than when I started. I printed out one of the old legal tests for the first unit-- 108 problems full of legal terminology and rules, it's incredibly difficult and if I don't prepare for this diligently I will inevitably fail this test. So wish me luck on that.

So today's goals are:
- Do laundry
- Annotate ch. 2 of my legal textbook
- ...Then take the Ch. 1/2 quiz for my legal class.
- Math for at least two hours, going to meet up with Patrick and he's going to help me out. Maybe we'll also hang out this evening after I get everything done, who knows.
-Annotate chapter 2 of accounting book.

As you can see, lots and lots of work, but if I get done with this I'm going to be SO proud of myself. I don't know when I'm going to be able to squeeze guitar in today. Yesterday I only got to play a half hour, it sucks! But I guess that's what I expected coming here, I was so blessed to be able to sit around practicing for 3 hours a day back home but here I have to earn that time.

peace.


Later....

Patrick came over and helped me with my math for almost two hours, AND brought me a bag of bagels when I asked him to pick me up one on his way back from the SURC. That was super sweet of him and he got major brownie points to spend time with me again if he wants too. 

Jason hasn't talked to me all day, this is the second day in a row. I had told him earlier this week that my birthday was this upcoming monday, asking if he wanted to spend time together. I mean obviously, why wouldn't we? He told me he's got other plans this weekend and that he'll let me know if he can get out of them. 

I've already got plans, my parents and Katelynn are coming up on Sunday, we're probably going to have dinner and it'll be a chill time. I'm not worried about if Jason's involvement anymore, I just always feel like I'm an inconvenience to him now and I don't want to feel that way about anyone. I want to feel like that person is enjoying spending time with me, doesn't everyone? 

So because Jason told me that he is going to let me know if he can get out of plans or not, I'm going to wait it out. If he seriously has no regard for my feelings what-so-ever, he will text me AT ALL this weekend. If that is the case, that will be the end of Jason and I's run. So if he's like almost every other guy that I've been involved with romantically, he will follow that hypothesis, ignore me, and I'll have to cut things off which I really don't WANT to do because I like Jason but I can't just wait and wait if he's just going to blow me off like that. 

I'm satisfied that I now have a verdict on this. I'm not going to text Jason first this weekend at all and we'll see what he does. Until then I've got a lot of stuff going on so it doesn't really matter. 

peace. 

Noise discretion has never been my strong suit

So apparently my clumsiness and constant activity around this apartment earned a complaint from our downstairs neighbors. I feel bad because I know it's my fault, she said I wake them up at 6 in the morning because of the footsteps. I've really got to be more conscious of how I'm behaving in the morning so that I'm not making so much noise. I need to start learning to be more cautious.

Correction, I wrote this last night after a couple glasses of wine: I don't really care, my academic needs are much more important than my neighbor's ability to sleep in. I'll try to walk more quietly but there's nothing I can do, they're just going to have to deal with hearing footsteps at 6 AM because it's not like I can change that. 

My new friend Wei Li had a dinner party where they made traditional Chinese food. First of all, let me say I was incredibly flattered to have such a big dinner cooked for my company, secondly, there's a lot of stereotypes that aren't true. I was able to ask a lot of questions about their culture and how they are liking it in America. They were pretty surprised how much I knew about Chinese culture, and I guess Asian cultures in general. Thanks YouTube for broadening my perspective on life.

I met a guy named Patrick whose 25 and spending his last year at Central before he graduates. He's cool, he's taking linear algebra like Jason is. I haven't heard from Jason all day. Patrick said he'd be willing to help me out with math too, I really just need a one on one tutor... He's majoring in electrical engineering. Blegh, why anyone would want to do that is incomprehensible to me. I just need to get through this math class, go with the flow and try not to get too stressed out but still work hard.

I drank some wine with dinner, I'm actually feeling sort of tipsy. Wine really drains me.

peace. 

What does a good entrepreneur do when her plan fails?

I've got some pretty exciting news.

I got a message on Youtube from another kid here at Central that apparently was planning to give guitar lessons as well. I'm excited to meet this person because HELL-O! They play guitar too! That's exciting in itself. He said he hasn't been able to find any students either. Based on the lack of ability to generate funds in one way I'm turning to other sources-- the internet!

Here's my first guitar lesson video that I uploaded today. It's basic alternate picking and corresponding note exercise, just as I would initially teach my guitar student. I figure if I do one of these on a semi-regular basis, I can maybe gain some subscribers on youtube, become a partner and earn a small amount of income that way. 

If that doesn't work, well, at least I tried and I can use it as a reference tool for my students if they forget what I'd taught them during a lesson. You might be wondering, why would students actually get lessons from you if they could just look online? Because in person you can ask me questions, I can elaborate things for you, and I can teach you way more tricks and exercises than I plan to upload to youtube. 

You can support my channel on youtube by subbing to me. My url is www.youtube.com/ewilsonlife. The channel itself has a pretty random assortment of stuff that has gone from "kawaii" Japanese themed videos to... Iron Maiden covers. I'm weird.

But my life is fun, seriously I do enjoy things around here even if after a high stress class situation I can always seem to find stuff to bitch about to my mom. The main stress on the back burner is, again, my 21st birthday and what I'm going to be doing for that. I'm just hoping Jason and I spend the evening together on either Saturday or Sunday. That's all I really want, I've already gotten my gifts from my family, I've got more than enough money to survive here for awhile and I'm also set for clothes. 

Jason and I had a really nice night together last night, that was pretty unexpected! 

He's been really busy with studies like I have. I've already studied accounting today for an hour, sorta dredged through the first half of Chapter 3 today. We didn't talk about Chapter 2 at all a couple days ago so I'm wondering if he's going to do any review for that chapter. I don't really care either way, Chapter 2 is pretty straight forward, it talks about methods in costing (both direct costs and indirect costs of a product). Costing is basically the plan for how much a business anticipates spending on manufacturing a product (or many products) for the upcoming month. Product costs are the cost involved in making the product itself when overhead costs are the cost to run the company itself. 

Overhead costs can include anything from the heating bill, the cost of the toilet paper in the bathrooms, the wage of the employees. Product costs include the cost of the raw materials and even the cost of employees that are putting the product together. I think back to my days cherry picking and the little punch cards that would say how many boxes of cherries that picker had completed. The Cost, then, of that box of cherries includes the amount it took to pick them. 

I post a lot of pictures of cherries on this blog, haha. 

A lot of this terminology is hard to keep track of but I'm very fortunate that I have this much life experience to understand a lot it. Working at Rite Aid has helped me understand merchandise costing, inventory, and hourly wages versus salaries. Working on the farm has helped me understand touch labor or direct labor because you really can't get much more direct then picking cherries off a tree and punching a card that says you did it. 

peace. 

I have nothing to do on my 21st birthday.

I've sort of dreaded turning 21 for a number of reasons, the predominant one being that I feel obligated to do something but I have nothing to do here.

It's 6:30 PM. I just got home from my legal class. Accounting and that legal class back to back can certainly wear me out, but because I only have to do it twice a week it's more than manageable. So far I've really only attended class, come back to the apartment, studied and played my guitar. So things've certainly become more convenient to achieve in my classes than back home because there aren't nearly as many distractions. I'm truly free to live however I want too and I've created this nest of activities that I like to do throughout my day. Unfortunately this can have tendency to pull me away for much need of social interaction. 

I look back on all the musicians I've known in my life and now I know why they're so flaky. To me, the guitar really is like a drug. When I can't have it I feel panicked and sort of out of focus with what I need to do throughout my day. When I play exercises I'll often ponder-- "What was it that I needed to get done this evening? Oh yea..!" and get whatever I need to get done finished. I feel like my brain just works better when I have a good practice regime. 

But I look back on my old life before the guitar and how I'd fill that time with more social interaction. I would go out and seek entertainment from people; like people that were also into the Japanese thing, even guys that I probably shouldn't have been spending time with just because I was bored with my life. The guitar has sort of filled this void as well as my need for love/companionship.

I'm sort of irritated with Jason right now because he hasn't texted me for the second day in a row. I assume he's just very busy, pursuing a double major and all.. I'd like to hope he's not just avoiding me but if that's the path he chooses there's nothing I can do about it. That's the thing about emotions, I've really come to stop getting emotional about things that I absolutely cannot control... And Jason is one of those things. He's a guy that likes me, or did like me and might be having second thoughts about it; clearly. Whether he decides to continue this... errm... "relationship." But don't call it that because it's not one. It's kind of dating I'd suppose. Spending time together. 

...Whether he decides to spend time with me again is his decision and I can only be myself and see what lies ahead. 

Unfortunately my birthday is coming up and I have no idea how I'll be spending it. It's this Monday but if I wanted to do something I guess it'd have to be this weekend or next. You can't really postpone celebrating a birthday too much further than that because it loses it's meaning. 

My last birthday was a complete disaster because I spent it at one of Jessika's disgusting parties with her alcoholic, 30 year old roommate trying to get with me. I look back on those scenarios and all I can say is Thank God by life has come to a 180 degree turn. I swear it's all thanks to my guitar, I never again felt that need to get the approval of others because I always have something to fall back on when I'm feeling sad or depressed. It's magical what an instrument can do to your life. 

My 20th year was good for the most part, however. It turned around at the beginning of 2012 when I started setting goals to practice an hour a day. This goal setting of course increased rapidly when I started getting lessons with Jacob and my whole outlook on life changed for the better. 

This year was calm, I worked at my boring job at Rite aid but it was safe and it kept me out of trouble for the most part. I remember in March or so I'd get texts from that disgusting tool Barry asking if I wanted to get together. I finally had the courage to tell him to fuck off after the confidence boost from playing guitar. See how this all ties together? 

Anyway, since this new adjustment my confidence I had back home is taking awhile to come forward. I feel confident in class because I study the Hell out of the material but socially I'm having a hard time finding people I'd want to spend time with outside of my little day to day schedule. Maybe I don't have too. I just feel like there's some expectancy in college to drink and party and if I don't I'm not getting the full experience. 

My mom kept on saying, "You need to have fun!!" I do have fun, but for the last year or so I haven't done any partying or anything. That leaves me with this birthday in a week. I don't know what I'm going to do for it because I haven't really made any friends up here at Central that I've hung out with outside of class, aside from Jason who right now doesn't seem to want to spend time with me what-so-ever. I would want to spend it with Katelynn but I just drove home this last weekend and don't feel like going to the tri cities AGAIN this upcoming weekend. 

I want to have fun on my 21st birthday.... even if I really hate getting drunk because it makes me extremely ill. I took three shots at Shawn's party, with food and a LOT of water but still got extremely sick the next day and it completely killed any fun that I'd had the previous night because I was doubled over the toilet puking my guts out. F*ck, I hate drinking. 

peace. 

Emily, why do you hang out with Asians?

This is my new friend, Wei Li. He has come from China to obtain his masters degree here in America and he's pursuing four majors simultaneously. In order for Wei Li to get to the position he is in must have taken incredible determination and work throughout his life. He was probably selected from hundreds-- maybe thousands of potential candidates.

You know many people might be curious to know why I choose to spend time with Asian people. Generally speaking, though we're all at this school together, most people choose to predominantly hang out with people of their own race. The reason this is not because people are racist, but because we tend to have similar interests and lifestyles.

Throughout my life I have found the most satisfaction in improving in a skill and gaining success. Confucius taught that in order to live a truly satisfying life and maintain social order man must try to improve himself and set high standards of success. This is why the Chinese people, as well as other Asian societies that follow Confucius principles have little crime, because almost everyone is studying their hardest to be the best they can be. This is why these people work so hard and why their societies are very competitive-- and, unfortunately, puts more reliance on looks and family history to get ahead in society.

These principles have been what I've lived by for the past couple years going to CBC and trying to develop a foundation for my more difficult classes here at Central. During this time at CBC I met Hannah S., a Korean foriegn exchanged student. Hannah enticed me because of her intense attention to detail, organization, cleanliness, and perfection. Her cultural background in Korea taught her this. Ha ha, I imagine Hannah in Kindergarden carrying a little organized pencil case, how adorable! Here in America things are done a bit more half hazardly and sloppily. For this reason, Asians have always fascinated me in the way they organize because it's such a valuable skill to have that took a lot of time to develop-- especially in school!

Being friends with Hannah taught me some of these skills and I hope that in making friends with more Asian people I can better understand their methods in scholarly perfection. And let me of course just say that everyone is different, this is a generality, but stereotypes exist for a reason.

So in a sense, if I continue to take on school like Hannah would-- long study hours, making sure to get things done ON TIME, keeping close record of due dates in my planner, making sure to always have supplies on hand, always making sure to have the correct books on hand.... Then I will do exceedingly well! Over achieving Asian students continue to inspire me.

peace. 

Two word responses can be hard to read.

Sometimes that's how I feel when I talk to Jason, like I'm annoying or bothering him. We used to text a lot but now when we do text I get these short little responses that I can't make sense of. It's hard, I like him and I want to spend time with him but sometimes I feel like any minute he's going to say, "Look, I'm gonna have my own experience and I don't want to feel like I've got some obligation to deal with you. Goodbye."

So of course in order to avoid this I'm keeping things extremely light and trying not to pressure him to spend time with me one way or the other. If he wants to spend time with me, great! If not, well, okay I'll go do my own thing-- I've always got shit to do because of my rigorous study and practice habits so it's not like I'm waiting around for Jason all day. I don't even know if he considers us to be "dating."

Because see there's that stage where you're flirting and getting to know eachother, which in the past month and a half we've certainly spent a great deal of time doing. Then when we actually met at Central things have been going steady for the most part, but I can't help but have this suspicion that he's going to suddenly not talk to me ever again... it sucks. I really don't trust that any guy that I actually have feelings for is going to want me back because it's never happened. I've always just felt dumped off like trash... like oh, I'm done with what I wanted from you now.

I'm hoping things will change someday. I just keep praying that they will, it's been nearly two years that I haven't had guy that was actually willing to start a relationship with me. I've definitely had dates, flings, whatever-- but nothing that ever actually evolved into a relationship. What Jason and I have right now is the closest I've gotten so I'm treating it extremely delicately.

I feel like I'm the one whose keeping this alive more than he is though. Jacob told me, "If a girl is pursuing a guy, there's something wrong..." Well what am I supposed to do, just ignore him completely and hope he starts talking to me?

I just feel like an inconvenience to him and don't want to feel that way.  If he's just sort of putting up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me then I wish he'd just tell me. But I could be totally wrong. I just don't know, and that's what I hate about the relationship game is the uncertainty of it and how it makes your stomach feel. It makes me feel like I'm humiliated a lot because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Right now I've just really tried to be myself around Jason but trying to keep my distance at the same time. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he cuts things off and I hate that feeling.

For this reason I've been feeling a little sad since I got home because he's not really making any effort to talk to me at all. I texted him first today and he keeps giving me two word responses so of course I'm like, HERE we go. The signs are there. I just really hope I'm wrong.

I just really don't want to get hurt again. There's something about me that scares guys away. I like to believe it's Tyler's theory that: "Emily, you're the type of girl that a guy would want to marry. Guys just want to hook up, they don't want to settle down yet." Well if that's truly the case than I really wish I were a lesbian.

Because the feeling of longing for actual love is the biggest inconvenience for those of us that can't find any satisfaction in it. It's like a really good drug that everyone else is using that I want to get my hands on but can't because my dating pool is so small.

And I'm not saying that guys don't hit on me because I do get attention, a LOT.. the kind of attention that most girls would be envious of. I get picked up on pretty much everywhere I go. It's crazy that I have so much trouble finding any actual stability in that aspect of my life because of how I get praised so frequently by admirers. I'm just really not attracted physically to most men. I can't be with a guy that's shorter than me or like... 5'6 or something, it just turns me off so bad I can't do it. As I've said before that eliminates a LOT of guys at Central.

I guess the bottom line is this. I will find someone, eventually. God, my ancestors, whatever outside forces have helped shape my destiny to this point have not failed me yet and maybe all this waiting will lead to something absolutely magical. Am I saying things with Jason could never be magical? No, not necessarily. My body-mind instincts are not giving me a bad response with him like they did with say, Guy or Indy or many other guys that I've spent time with and my body literally rejected it by not letting me sleep or eat really when I was around them. It's not that way with Jason at all, I would actually love to sleep next to him one of these nights but I haven't gotten a chance too.



I just really, really don't want to end up like my parents where I don't really connect with the person I'm married too. I want to be able to joke around, have fun, have a really good understanding of one another and be able to communicate well. I want him to be openminded to my unusual interests and accept and love me for who I am. I want him to be attractive to me, obviously. That's certainly not everything and a great personality can make a guy way more physically attractive-- but yeah, someday I want to have kids and I want them to be good looking because it's a HUGE advantage in life (and anyone that says that's not true can't deny that it at least makes things easier for people).

So obviously my mood tonight is lonely, as well as sort of panicky. I've been having these weird panic attacks where I'll start shaking and my stomach gets really tight. I'm sure this can't be great for my body. It all has to do with the dramatic change of scenery in my life, as well as this new love interest, plus my classes... it's no wonder I'm feeling this way.

My day itself though wasn't bad. I'm actually in Benton City right now because my mom wanted to take me school clothes shopping for my birthday. These plans didn't happen until 4 or so because I took a really long nap after getting no sleep last night. I went to Shawn's 21st birthday yesterday, i'd go into the details about that but I'm sitting here with my mom and would rather talk to her than write. Maybe I'll tell you guys about it in tomorrow's entry.

peace.

oh, here's a blog worth mentioning that i'm just saving for myself to read later. Can't bookmark here.

http://www.thedeadkidsofmyspace.com/

Home is where your stuff is, your stuff is, your stuff is...

When your stuff is there, it's home!

I'm in Benton city because tomorrow my Mom and I are going to go school clothes shopping. This is really nice of her to do, especially when my wardrobe has had so many problems because of this new weight lose. I used to wear a size 11, right now the jeans I'm wearing are a size 6.

I'm also going to go to Samantha's house for a party that they're having. I feel pretty shleppy because of the incredible amount of smoke in Ellensburg and then the drive home.. I feel like I'd feel a lot better if I took a shower but since I'm just hanging out over at House it doesn't matter at all.

It feels weird being back in benton city again because all of my stuff is in Ellensburg. There's really nothing for me to do here at all except sit on the computer-- even my guitar is at my place.

Alright well I just got a call from Samantha and she said I could head over.

peace.

Wtf is the point of calculus for a business major, can someone please explain that?

I feel pretty satisfied because I got 14 hours last week, that was my goal upon moving here that I'll cut down my regular three hours a day to just two, that way I still get an adequate amount of practice time but don't completely cut myself off from the outside world. There's a lot going on here so I need to be careful to not let my guitar be the only important thing in my life besides school.

Today I had to come home because I was frustrated. Math class itself went well but when I sat down to do my pencil-paper homework I found myself really unsure about my answers. I'm going to make sure to try and do the online math assignment if I can get into the system to be able to check my answers, but if that doesn't work I'm just going to have to cross my fingers that I can still do some of this stuff. I had a pretty hard  time with it this afternoon, and this is the review material... makes me wonder how in the Hell I'm supposed to dive into this new stuff.

That's why I've really got to buckle down.... Hypothetically if I were to fail this math class I would lose all sense of hope, drop out of school and kill myself. Not really, of course, but this really is going to be one of my main hurdles here that could destroy my life very quickly if I don't keep on top of it. Once I get into my major itself I'm not as scared but this stupid pre-calc class, finite math and statistics are probably going to fuck me up pretty hard this next year. That's why I just have to take it day by day, work my ass off and hope to God that's enough.

Usbank would actually be my LAST choice in banks. If I had to switch from Sterling I'd probably use Gesa. At least it's better than like, Wells Fargo or something... But still, not a fun decision to make today. I would have liked it to smoothly.

I had to get my new debit card today, which is an uneasy decision for me to make anyway because I really don't like that my money is now in two separate accounts. It was the smart decision to make because every time I would take out money they would charge me $6 so I'd be spending a fortune if I continued to use my Sterling card everywhere. When the bank teller was filling out the paperwork for the new card, she needed my student ID. She didn't give it back to me and I ended up leaving without it.

I went allllll the way to the library to do my math homework (big mistake, I think I'll study somewhere else next time, it's way too hot in there) and when I tried to log into a computer I reached into my wallet and realized the ID card wasn't there. Pissed off, I trudged all the way back to the student union building and asked her if she had my ID card. The bimbo didn't have it, I left her my number and told me to call me when she found it.

She will never find it. I'm going to have to go to the office and get a new card tomorrow, even if I really liked my old one. Hopefully they've got that picture stored on file so they can just use it. I absolutely refuse to pay for a new one, a card is something I NEVER lose-- it was 100% the bank teller's fault. This might seem like a minor thing but with me it's a huge inconvenience.

I'm going to meditate and play guitar. I feel so angry today I could just scream. There must be other reasons for it... other reasons for my frustration. I don't think it's loneliness because I don't feel that sense of longing. Come to think of it I wouldn't want anybody here either way. I think I'm MORE angry that math is going to be such an issue this quarter; the review page just didn't click to me today and that scares me. Algebra has never been my strongest subject, it's always just been something I've scraped by with and always wish that it'd be my last. This quarter FOR SURE is my last ALGEBRA class, but then I've still got finite math.


peace. 

I feel so tall around here.

It's a weird assortment of people here at Central.

For some reason I was half expecting there to be hot guys everywhere... or at least more so than in the Tri cities, but really, there does not seem to be. There really isn't anyone here that I've been attracted to aside from Jason. To be honest I've been more keeping my eyes on girls to make friends that I can go out with on the weekends. That will all come in time. I did meet this one really sweet girl today named Dannah. She comes from Bellingham and she's in my business law class. Maybe we'll stick this out together! Both of us take this really seriously and have similar goals. She's really blonde and pretty.

But yeah.... guys here, I'm sorry to say, lots and lots of short, skinny guys... I don't really know what it is around here, I actually feel tall lately because I'm towering over a lot of guys that I see. Jason's 6'4 so he makes me feel petite. I like our body height differences. I think he's really attractive in a lot of ways and I realize this a lot more now that we're spending time together here. Sometimes his responses are a little cold and indirect, like he'll ask me how my day went... I'll tell him a brief overview and he won't respond about THAT at all, he'll only respond about himself. It'd be nice if he'd recognize what I have to say a little bit. You know, maybe instead of bitching about it I should just be mature and tell him about it. That way he'll know it's bothering me.

There are some cute guys in my accounting class.

Oh that reminds me. HELL-o! Classes started today! I'm happy to say that I like all of my professors, all of which are men this quarter so that's always a plus. My accounting professor liked me immediately, he seemed pretty cool and I like that all of the assignments will be pencil-paper. Managerial accounting is already looking like a fun class, I met another girl in there named Natasha who seemed pretty cool as well. See, first day, BAM! Two new acquaintances! I am definitely making an effort to meet people.

But making an effort to go out? Meh. I went to my classes, came back and did my homework. I wasn't able to get into the math program so I think I'm just gonna jam for the next hour or so and go to bed. I'll probably do a lot more studying tomorrow but I only have ONE class... That's the thing about this quarter, if I am able to manage my time right on my days off there's no excuse for me not to do exceptionally well in all of these classes.

peace.

The greasy dubstep/techno scene....

Oh.... man, it's the last day of summer. I'm pretty excited that tomorrow my roller coaster ride begins with getting this degree. It's going to be a lot of hard work but I really want to get this done in two years.

I read about 3/4 of my managerial accounting textbook and it seems way more simpler for me than my first accounting class. My first accounting class that I took at CBC was the brunt work like journal entries, transferring information to the ledger, creating monthly income statements and stuff like that... In this class we are going to be more learning about the processes and procedures in business as well as the risk factors involved.

The first chapter itself is pretty much a preface and tells you why taking the class will be beneficial to you if you're ever in a position of management trying to determine which tasks to accomplish and assigning people to do them. When I was reading this I was of course leaving side annotations to simplify the material, like I'll start thinking about Jodi and her job at Rite Aid. She's a manager, she had to do all the assigning for the work day... the menial, repetitive tasks that I often studied in my boredom now make sense to me. Thinking about my experience at Rite Aid will help me put things into real life perspective I think.

Math is unfortunate because there's no way to put things into real life perspective. You just have to do things over and over again until you get it and then hope you can get it right a second time on the tests. This pre-calc class is going to suck... But it definitely gives me an even better reason to keep Jason around, hahaha. Just kidding that sounds horrible. I actually have really enjoyed Jason's company the past few days. He should be coming over here in like an hour.. I'm making pancakes for dinner tonight and having Kat Landoe over. She's going to be bringing some of her friends.

Still no calls for lessons yet. I guess it will just take socializing and meeting people to get students. That'll come quickly I hope! Ahh either way I'm just chillin. I've got enough money to get me by here for awhile.

I really do not like the DJing thing that Jason does. I'm just going to try and ignore it for the most part. I just do not like the greasy scene and would rather not go to raves and stuff like that. I just associate it with drugs that I want to stay away from for my overall wellbeing. I get so much pleasure from the simple things that I do in my day to day life, like play the guitar and work out, spend time with friends, etc... I guess those are more big things for me though. I feel like if I started doing those sorts of rave scene drugs I would lose the bliss that I get with these activities now.

peace. 

What the Hell are the chances of that.

Today's been a good day.

I got up this morning knowing I had to get my books so I rushed over to the bookstore after getting ready. I dealt with a complete lameass at the checkstand that I felt like I had to walk through the transaction.  I just wanted to buy my accounting book and my business law book, and then go to the second line that had a huge lineup to do the rental on the math one. It ended up being a big holdup so I decided just to use the credit line to buy the books. Right now the money that overdrew my account today is now going onto the credit line that my Dad will pay off later.

They were around $350. Expensive, so I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it. I'm going to wait for that transaction to process for the next 10 hours or so before I put the money from my savings into my checking. I'm now at $1400. That means moving here in total cost me about $200, between the things that I've needed to buy and the groceries, etc etc... That's so creep, imagine how much it would cost up in Bellingham, atrociously expensive! I'm so happy to be here.

I woke up Jason after I bought my books. He partied last night and texted me drunk asking me to come this morning. Though I knew he'd forget, I showed up anyway. Last night while Jason was out with his friends I decided to go to Shavonne's house and visit/have dinner. Russell printed me out a map that proved to be very handy all day... especially when I was trying to find Jason's building. 

Jason and I were originally going to go rock climbing together and I was pretty stoked to go but I still had my biggest task of the day in the back of my mind. I had to go out and find these bulletin boards to I guess officially "open" my business. I really hope I'm able to fill up my 9 spots relatively quickly. I'll schedule a couple more (assuming some are going to drop) and go out and pull the signs. Next time I lose some students, I'll repeat the process so that I maintain a controlled number. I'm hoping I get a different mix of ages and music styles.

peace. 

OH!!!! Now that I'm back from working out I remember the weirdest thing that happened to me today! I saw Jack, hahaha. It was so funny, Jason and I were walking back to my place when a... lacrosse, I don't know, lacrosse or cricket-- ball rolled out in front of me. I just happen to feel like being polite and picked it up and tossed it back to the person that flicked it into the street.

There's Jack, standing in the courtyard of the math building. He's like, "Oh hey Emily!" I couldn't believe it. I acted very friendly toward him. He told me he was going to his lacrosse match soon. I told him good luck. I told Jason, "First love." even if yesterday I'd told him I never had been. I guess love is truly what makes a person crazy, and since Jack made me crazy and confused for three years, I figured it was the best representation for that situation. 

Jason was like, "Oh, you don't like him?" and I'm like, "YES. I HATE him. I mean, no, I don't hate him. He just makes me very frustrated." Jason and I left it at. I did, however, call my Mom when I was back cooking lunch (I made shredded chicken burritos, which were delicious by the way) to tell her about my 'what are the chances of that' experience.

I had only thought about Jack once since I got here, I didn't anticipate seeing him this early on however. I'm glad I instinctively was very friendly toward him.

Trying to have patience with my Dad...

This is a picture of myself that I took this morning. Figured I needed a new picture for my new environment. Today's been quiet and I haven't been doing anything really. My parents were supposed to be coming for dinner but because they're working around my Dad's annoying schedule that's been practically impossible. His truck had an issue yesterday that he had to take to TJ. TJ didn't get a chance to take a look at it until 3' or so but they still should have come up in my Mom's van. Whatever, it's fine it's not like I'd be up to much else today anyway.

I've been feeling sort of shy and awkward in comparison to myself at home, though I feel simultaneously comfortable and relaxed. There's writing on my walls all over the place so I guess that's what's keeping me busy. I went out into the school yesterday and didn't really like it. I went to the super desolate library and got scared half to death by the closing alarm. Either way, it's Saturday so there was nothing to do here but sit around and play guitar anyway.

Jason is moving here tomorrow which means I'll probably be spending some time with him. He'll probably be the first guest to my place besides my parents. Kristin's parents have been here all day. I met them this morning and tried to be friendly but it's weird... I feel kind of awkward, like I'm saying offensive things. Maybe it's because I've been so quiet lately I've been paying more attention to the things that I say.

Either way, I'm still happy to be here. I feel happy to not be asking for Rite Aid wellness + cards.

My Dad's probably just got done at Burger ranch in prosser because he hadn't eaten since 8 this morning. Damn it.

peace. 

Spiritual Tarpanam, goal setting and time management

He's a spiritual guru that has a live webshow that I've been watching on a regular basis lately. He talks about the most important thing to me in life, which time management to increase productivity and overall success. He also gives free guided meditation, with his video today I was actually able to focus on my midbrain and achieve total bliss. It's incredible what you can learn from him.

This is my absolute favorite meditation that I successfully completed this morning. With it, you can focus in on your deepest desires and visualize it... live it. It makes any dream comprehensible. You can visualize it with your mind's eye and ask the spirit world to give you answers and when you wake up in the morning you will not only feel more refreshed but you will have answers to your questions of what you need to do to achieve these dreams.

I also want to tell you about a ritual that I learned about from him called Tarpanam. 

These are my goal setting sheets that Jacob told me to try to adjust to my new environment. They've been working so well already, before bed I plan to look at them every night to remember exactly why I'm here and to not get distracted by everything going on. I've gotta stay focused and not give up even when this material is incredibly difficult.

Under my goal sheets is my offering for Tarpanam. If you watch SattaTreyaSivaBaba's video on soul genetics you will discover that according to ancient yogis the spirits of your ancestors come to earth to help their family members with their problems and try to deliver good karma. Because think about it, WHY are we are the way we are? Because of our ancestors! They have set the stage for our entire life. Their genes are our genes and their souls are our souls. 

So in order to live in spiritual bliss we must understand our ancestors and provide them with a reminder that we know they are there. One way to do this is to do Tarpanam. This is a practice of meditation passed down by the yogis to connect with your ancestors by leaving an offering. This is as easy as, as you can see, a little cup of water and some sunflower seeds or nuts or whatever. Preferably not something processed because this is a sacred practice. 

When you lay out the food, you can close your eyes and either speak or think a message to your ancestors acknowledging that you know they are there and you're asking for their guidance. Your ancestors are wise because they've experienced a lot of the things that we're experiencing now in the old world. Tonight I asked both of my Grandfathers for guidance in the prosperity of my business because they both had businesses themselves. My Mom's Dad owned and operated the battery store in Atascadero and on my Dad's side the farm and Josten's.

According to this guru, spiritual tarpanam and the "Ah" meditation can bring miracles of success in your life. I am willing to believe it and now that I've started I can feel almost a blanket of bliss around me. Though some might think I'm a little strange I feel so confident in what I'm doing and where my life is going right now. I'm ready to reinvent myself in a way that I'm not only no longer depressed but HAPPY with my life. With this new found spiritual guidance and Jacob's goal setting practices that I've started I feel ready to take on the world. 

My parents are coming to visit tomorrow. I'm not going to go into great detail of why there is nuts sitting in the window. 

peace. 

Everything has changed....

..But at the same time nothing's changed.

Here's my right side of the room, as you can see this will be where I spend a great amount of time.

I'm still sitting here at a desk, on the computer. Played guitar for 90 minutes and it's only 7:42 PM, got all my scales, arpeggios, picking and chords done which means it's time to PLAY! I'm only going to play 40 more minutes though unless I get some paperwork done for my business. I think the first thing I should get done is my flyers. Get some students lined up. Maybe I should post an internet ad first. 

Before I do that though I need to figure out what times I'm going to schedule students.. there's still a lot of work that needs to be done before I can get this off the ground but I just need to buckle down and get it done. I'm also going to need to find a place that has a copier. I figure if I make one general starting packet then I can make copies of the pages for each student that I book. 

I just have keep telling myself that I AM good enough for this. Neilsen might've had a broader spectrum then me but he was a terrible teacher and still managed to get students. I'm going to put way more effort into my lessons than Neilsen, Aaron or Brian ever did... Jacob has just created very high expectations in myself. I want to give lessons that are as thorough as those that were given to me but this won't happen overnight. I can only try my best and realize that I'm going to make mistakes.

Same goes with my business degree here at Central. I've just gotta study hard, if I study every day it doesn't matter how difficult the material is, I can do this if I set small goals and milestones to get there. During my previous lesson with Jacob he actually sat down with me and wrote down a goal setting process where you can write down your long term, short term, 90 day and 30 day goals and then the small steps you're going to take today to get there. When you look at this goal sheet before bed, these long term goals stick in your mind at night and your brain focuses in on them subconsciously. The next day you feel that much more inspired to set new goals to accomplish your overall goals. 

My whiteboard on the side wall describes my daily goals. Every day when I get up in the morning I will write down my goals for the day and it will serve as a constant reminder of what I need to get done and how to really live for each day to my full advantage. 

I know that all this goal setting seems crazy, but it's really my way of holding together right now. This transition has been a lot for me already. Yesterday the move in was easy enough, aside from the fact that we're on the third floor and had to haul tons of stuff up three flights of stairs. I'm very happy with my living situation, though!

My room is BIG! I'd say it's a third bigger than my room at home in all directions. It's even tall, the slanted ceiling makes me feel like I'm in a ski lodge. This room has excellent feng shui, I was able to set up everything with ease with my immense amount of storage space. My parents were so smart about getting me set up to live on my own. There are so many things that I didn't even realize I use from a day to day basis that my Mom remembered to buy. My parents have done so much for me these past 20 years and I look forward to an incredible 20 more but it really was time for me to leave the nest. 

We were all really sad initially, my Mom called and talked about the emptiness in the house and that it's really strange not having me there. I agree, I feel strange not being there. Everything is quiet. My roommate and I are just roommates. I'm not really interested in creating a super close friendship with her because I think that would just create problems and co-dependency in the long run. I also think we already have a very good mutual respect for eachother's space, privacy and stuff. Things really couldn't get better on that end but obviously I want to meet some new friends and have people over soon. 

I feel comfortable here, I'm not really nervous about my classes or anything. I do feel lonely at the moment because I don't really know anybody yet nor have I made a huge effort to meet people. Reason being hardly anyone's here yet, the official move in day is tomorrow so people are going to be hauling all there crap in every direction. This seems like a good day to do my laundry, there's going to be a lot of people around versus this afternoon where it was very desolate everywhere you turn. 

I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow! I did get my parking permit today so that's taken care of. My parents are coming up on Saturday to deliver some stuff I need and figure out the deal with financial aid. I sort of screwed up because I told Housing that I'll be paying for my apartment with my student loans but my parents don't want to do that, they'd rather just pay it out of pocket and avoid that expense later. Obviously I like the second option better but I already messed up my files and it's probably going to be a huge pain to change it back later in the week. 

I've spent a lot of money since I got here.. I'm sure I'm down to $140 by now from my payday last Thursday. My parents are going to help me out though. I'm hoping that I'll hardly have to ask once I get the ball rolling with lessons.

peace. 

This is it!

Today was good. I had my last lesson with Jacob. Here's me drinking a Monster outside the building. Jacob has been doing a lot of decorating lately and it looks nice in there. He gave me a lot of new material to work on and practice as well as lots of discussion about my future business. I asked him how many of his students have wanted to learn metal music, and he said a total of 4 (counting me) for his entire guitar teaching career. About 50% of his students want to learn rock. That's a good sign.

I'm sad to let him go, though.. He really has made these last five months some of the best in my life in some odd sense. For the past five months I've become so much more confident and centered in the world, I feel ready to take on whatever challenges come to me.

Because this is IT. The time is here! I'm leaving TOMORROW. 

I wanted to get a picture of a screenshot where it says "I should get going too" when he leaves the house at the beginning of the game but I couldn't so here's the shorts kid. I'm so excited though! I feel like the pokemon kid though, I'm gonna start my big adventure tomorrow! 

I plan to leave around 9:00 AM because we're meeting at 11:30. That means I need to get up at 5:30 or 6, get ready, and begin packing the last of my stuff (the stuff that I use from a day to day basis like my computer, my makeup, etc etc...). I'm hoping this will all come together without too many problems.

peace.

Let's take TWO trips, shall we?

Yay! This calls for a 1980's "getting stuff done" montage!

2 days!

I'm moving out in two days and my Mom of course had no idea. I've been telling her every day, "Hey mom! Twelve more days!" "Four more days!" etc etc but she hasn't gotten the memo and we don't have a uhaul. She claims she's going to make "Two trips" with the van. What the hell, is there seriously nobody we could borrow a large vehicle from?

I've been a little lacking in guitar this week because I've been really busy and I've had so much on my mind that all I've wanted to do is talk to Jason. My playing has gotten so much more relaxed since Jacob corrected my hand positioning, though, so I can afford to slack a bit this week. I'm hoping I do get in three hours today, maybe even a little more because I only practiced an hour yesterday. It's only 8:30 am so I can give myself guitar breaks during packing. Or maybe packing breaks during guitar. He he he. NO, I NEED to get this stuff done...

I need to figure out what order I'm going to do this in. I think the  best place to start would be the clothes because I figure to move that dresser we're going to have to pull all the clothes out anyway so I might as well get that done. I'll plan out some outfits for the next couple days.

In my room I have music equipment that'll be a big pain in the ass to move and takes up a lot of space. I'm planning on bringing my bass, Samara and the acoustic as well as my big amp and POD (which I'll probably take in the car with me because it's so fragile). This really is just the beginning of my instrument collection though, my plan is that I will obtain one new guitar with everyone 1,000 hour milestone I reach. Right now I have 422 for the past five months. 

Miranda is on my bed right now. I feel like I'm going to miss her more than anything from a day to day basis because she gives me so much relaxation and happiness in my life. She really is the last thing I want to hold onto.

Because really, there's nothing more for me to gain here in the tri cities. I went to CBC and got my first degree close to home. I had my dead end job for a year; I put on my Noh face for anyone that gave me shit and didn't kiss anyone's ass. My best friends are both doing VERY well so I have nothing to worry about. Katelynn should be getting a job at Amazon here shortly and Samantha just got a job at Let's Party (which I'm having a feeling will turn into a career). They've both got good, stable relationships and Katelynn's no longer partying with Zach. 

Needless to say, I'm quiet excited, and I need to get to work. : ) 

peace. 

I'll just take my 10 lbs of muscle milk and go now.

How's it going?

I'm fantastic. Today was my last day at Rite Aid, course I didn't realize this until halfway through my shift but now that I'm done... WOOHOOOOOO!!! Never working retail again. It feels weird to now know that I don't have a job but so much is going to happen to me in the next month or so I can hardly contain the excitement.

I was going to run out to Kennewick today but my stupid phone ended up dying. It was fully charged this morning but apparently I forgot to completely back out of the Spotify program and it sucked out all it's life in two hours. I swear to God that stupid phone is either dead or deactivated more than I'm able to use it. Jason just texted me, he's a lot better about texting than I am but we've been talking for over a month now. I'm wondering how our friendship is going to play out when we're at school, it'll be nice to have a friend up there from the get go but I'm sure if it's anything at all like orientation I'll meet people very quickly.

I bought a whole bunch of Muscle Milk mix today. That'll be my last big Rite Aid steal, they were marked down 75% off because they were about to expire but I'll take my chances. The powder has the consistency of flour, it doesn't look like it's going to spoil very easily. I got one large (reg $50), one medium (reg $41.99) and one small (reg $20.99) for about $30. I also got a couple stress relief "homeopathic" drugs for a couple bucks just to try them out as well as some cocoa concentrate.

I can't tell you if it worked or not because I was pretty relaxed to begin with but I can say that they'll be kept in my special drawer. You never know when I might feel some anxiety for whatever reason.

4 days!!!
(coming down to the end people)

peace. 

If I weren't leaving I think I'd be with you. [5 days!]

My Grandma and I had lunch today, which is an enormous burden off my shoulders because she hadn't really heard from my family in a couple years and wanted to know how we were doing. I told her how Avery and I are doing very well, and that neither of us are mad at her. Though the situation is extremely frustrating and my Dad has felt lost without the farm things just happen. We're all still in good health and I should at least make an effort to visit once and awhile.

I've never actually watched the show Bob's Burgers. I'm just... not interested, the animation turns me off. 

We went to Bob's Burgers and I got fish and chips. I only ate a little of it because I wasn't super hungry and wanted to save the leftovers for later but my mom ate them a few minutes after I stuck it in the fridge. Sigh.. I thought she'd at least leave some of it for me, I think I actually said I didn't want any more of it. Probably for the best that I don't eat two big servings of fish and chips in one day...

This morning it took me awhile to get out of bed and I've only practiced the guitar 40 minutes today. I'm going to need a new motivation now that Jacob will no longer be teaching me. I was thinking of starting a new reward system where if I practice my three hours (which will probably shorten to 2 once I start with school) a day I'll put a sticker on my sheet. At the end of the week, for every sticker on my sheet I'll earn $5.  I'll take the cash directly out of the bank and spend it on absolutely whatever I want/need with it.

Better a reward system with cash than food.

Katelynn and I hung out today for a bit. It was a quick visit because she drove out here and had to leave because Alan needed his car. I read her the crazy Trisha/Dylan blog entry, it was the first time she'd gotten the detailed story. They texted me again recently when Dad and I went to Hobby Lobby asking if I wanted to let the "past be the past" and hang out again. Uhm, no thank you...? Just thinking about them makes me shake with anxiousness. I've never been with anyone that finds and points out my flaws so readily.

Katelynn mentioned that she saw Josh K. recently at Albertsons or something. I'm sad that he never really comes into Rite Aid anymore. I don't know if it's because of me because he feels obligated to make small talk or if it's because he can't drink monsters anymore... Or maybe he just doesn't drink monsters and smoke cigarettes anymore. OR he is buying them but found a better deal than Rite Aid. Either way, I haven't seen him in weeks, and I probably won't get a chance to say goodbye.

I'll spend the majority of my shift wondering this tomorrow. The funny thing about Josh is this... I think he is s attracted to me as I am to him but he has never wanted to start something because I'm leaving. This is also probably why  we haven't spent any time together since then (he's messaged me drunk a couple times wanting me to come out there but I don't want that right now... even if I would have liked too). He's been my only interest this summer. He's always been really respectful toward me which is huge. He's confident, nice, AND smoking hot.. all good qualities. I imagine if I weren't going to college, Josh and I would be dating.

But things aren't going to happen that way because they weren't meant too. For some reason God wanted me to have some major alone time this summer, apparently.

5 days!!!

Check it out I finally got a new default. 

Giggity.

It's been awhile since I've been able to get a decent webcam shot. I like my facebook picture to be pretty nondescript like this. 

Shoot it's almost 8:00. I stayed up late one night last night and woke up with worse acne than yesterday, even if the one on my face on the left disappeared I've got two more now near my chin. I need to order differin again but it's so expensive and that'll take a good chunk from my last paycheck but oh well, it's an $80 rescue product that I always should have on hand with my skin issues.

Tomorrow is my last Saturday shift. I have to go into it with a good attitude like I did on Thursday to make it through as quickly as possible.

peace. 

How my instrument protects me from the world.

7 more days.

This is the last week of my life I will live in Benton city. 

Well, I suppose there's no absolute guarantee that I won't move back in with my parents but you guys know how stubborn I am and how much I DON'T want that to happen after my 20 years of living with my parents. I've never moved out, I've waited until it was the RIGHT time to do this and now that it is I can't imagine I'll ever turn back. 

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. 

Let's start with what's most important. I practiced 16 hours of guitar last week. That's not very good, that only averages out a couple hours a day versus my normal three. BUT it was a good week of practice because yesterday at lessons I was really able to keep up with Jacob on some of the technical stuff he has me doing. 

He recently gave me an entirely new warmup packet that contains all the exercises that HE does. That's a huge deal to me, I'm really proud of myself to have gotten to the level that I can practice the same warmups that he does. Well I can't *just* yet but I have the materials and patience to do so this week.

Before leaving Jacob tried giving me a stack of like 10 of his business cards telling me to "give them to my friends." I started laughing so hard, not because it wasn't a good idea but because there's no way I'll see 10 friends in the next week.

I really hope his business does well though. Guitar lessons is a great business. You don't have to hire anyone because you can teach the students yourself. Jacob did hire an accountant recently, though. I'll be doing my own bookkeeping, I'm excited to access the value of all of my small amount of equipment that I'll be using. I'll even use my rent expense as a contra-revenue account. 

The only big expense in teaching guitar is the printing expense. Ink is really expensive, about $40 a cartridge or more... And I'll be printing tabs and practice sheets for multiple students. I'll probably just have them print some of their own stuff but for the introductory lesson I'll have quite a few pages to give each student. 

Moving on...

Today I'm having lunch with my Grandma Fran. My Dad doesn't want me to make light of the situation if she asks how he's doing. My Dad's been really affected by this whole situation, he knew and worked on that farm for 42 years of his life (literally, I bet he probably started working out there when he was eight or nine) and he got kicked out with no warning or reasoning from his family. 

If peaches aren't picked quickly enough they fall on the ground. Because there's only 60 or so peaches in a 26 lb box, that's money falling every time. 

The farm is now almost completely destroyed. It's overgrown and unkempt, ripe peaches probably falling on the ground because there's not enough pickers getting them. 

I imagine myself as a person who gets things done. My Dad is someone who gets things done and my Dad's Dad was someone who got things done; Tyler however didn't get that hard work ethic. Up until a couple years ago he would spend the majority of the harvest in his room smoking pot all day, he would come out to boss people around occasionally and would drive around on the tractor. He was never the one that was interacting with the pickers, figuring out where we should drive to pick up boxes next, or even the one to get the ladders up at the end of the day. That was all my Dad, he orchestrated everything and did an incredible amount of work for next to nothing because it was something he believed in and he got bastardized. The farm was given to my uncle Ty, and continues to be his even if I doubt he wants it anymore.

Because of course my uncle Ty only works a few months out of the year. I remember being not only appalled but surprised that Ty wanted the farm so badly for that reason. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he fought so hard for it and now he's stuck with an immense amount of work that grows every day that it's not pruned, watered and tended. 

I'd never want to do it either but that's how my Dad would have wanted to spend the rest of his life if he could. He's probably going to want to retire in the next 10.. 15 years or so and once that happens he's not going to have anything except whatever projects he's got going on here at the house without the farm. It's really sad, and I'm afraid there's no turning back from the damage that has been done to my Dad psychologically. 

On the bright side, though, this last couple years has been the only time in my life that I've gotten to really know my Dad because he spent almost my entire childhood at the farm.

______________________________

The noodles pictured above are the same type of noodles that were in my pork noodle dish yesterday. So delicious. 

Yesterday I hung out with Katelynn and realized that we had never been to Saigon Market together. That was always something I did with Samantha and never got a chance to go with Katelynn for some reason. We went to Haong Saigon restaurant and as always it was really, really good. Those little old ladies make the best pho but I ordered a noodle dish instead so I could take it home more easily. Pho noodle broth probably has fish sauce and all sorts of things that would reek to high heaven if you spilt it in your car, but it really is delicious stuff so it was tempting to just order pho again. 

Note that "pho" really is pronounced "Pha." I pronounced it Pha when Stephanie's aunt asked me what I ordered and I told her that I'd considered getting it. Stephanie's aunt is really sweet, she owns Saigon market so I try to shop there whenever I'm in the area. Leyte and Saigon are tied for the best Asian stores that I like to shop at. I like Saigon's selection between but it's too far of a drive most of the time.

Thank God i'm getting paid tomorrow. I don't want to know what my balance is but after going out to eat with Katelynn, driving into town, etc etc... I'm probably down to my last $100 by now. This will be my last full paycheck with Rite Aid. 

That reminds me, my last Thursday shift is tomorrow so I should probably get some laundry done today and make sure my uniform is nice and clean. I can't wait to change my facebook to "Emily Wilson stopped working at Rite Aid," wheeee!!! 

I guess I'll mention as well that things've been sort of lonely for me. I've been thinking a little more about guys, sort of. Like yesterday I saw a pretty cute, long haired skater-looking guy staring at me at the DMV. At first glance I thought he might've been Josh F. because he was wearing a black hat like Josh always did and had the same skin/hair color but when he looked up I realized he was actually somewhat cuter than Josh is and I quickly looked away. 

This glance led to him staring at me, so I decided to look straight at him for about a second just to catch him in the act. Definitely, DEFINITELY cute, so again, I look down, almost giggling. I was really complimented that he was checking me out in the first place, but I have no reason to talk to guys right now so I didn't want to initiate conversation or anything.

I've never had a distinguished "Type" that I like, probably because I've never had a good enough relationship to say that I've REALLY liked anyone. I'm pretty afraid of men at this point. Going to Central I am very cautious of college guys that try hooking up with as many girls as possible. This makes me really afraid of getting manipulated into that, or being drugged and raped at parties. Guess this means I'll have to stay as far away from situations like this as possible. 

That's another thing that Jacob has sort of helped me with. He told me that a girl should NEVER pursue a guy, which is something I plan to live by now. I won't ever initiate talking to a guy because that's creepy, if a guy wants to talk to me he'll do it. 

I will NOT play into stupid "Yeah we'll go on dates.. but lets have sex first" bullshit lies that men try to tell girls to make us feel like something will come out of their empty sex. If a guy tries that I will immediately shut him down and make him feel very stupid for trying.

Actually I'm looking forward to seeing the first sap that tries. 

Because you see, because of my guitar my self esteem now is MUCH higher because I always have sense of purpose, something to fall back on. My center, my niche.  My guitar is something I will always have even if I don't have a man to talk to or hold my hand. It's helped to create an even thicker barrier between my sanity and happiness to the outside world that has raped my soul when it was unprotected. 

peace.