I have nothing to do on my 21st birthday.

I've sort of dreaded turning 21 for a number of reasons, the predominant one being that I feel obligated to do something but I have nothing to do here.

It's 6:30 PM. I just got home from my legal class. Accounting and that legal class back to back can certainly wear me out, but because I only have to do it twice a week it's more than manageable. So far I've really only attended class, come back to the apartment, studied and played my guitar. So things've certainly become more convenient to achieve in my classes than back home because there aren't nearly as many distractions. I'm truly free to live however I want too and I've created this nest of activities that I like to do throughout my day. Unfortunately this can have tendency to pull me away for much need of social interaction. 

I look back on all the musicians I've known in my life and now I know why they're so flaky. To me, the guitar really is like a drug. When I can't have it I feel panicked and sort of out of focus with what I need to do throughout my day. When I play exercises I'll often ponder-- "What was it that I needed to get done this evening? Oh yea..!" and get whatever I need to get done finished. I feel like my brain just works better when I have a good practice regime. 

But I look back on my old life before the guitar and how I'd fill that time with more social interaction. I would go out and seek entertainment from people; like people that were also into the Japanese thing, even guys that I probably shouldn't have been spending time with just because I was bored with my life. The guitar has sort of filled this void as well as my need for love/companionship.

I'm sort of irritated with Jason right now because he hasn't texted me for the second day in a row. I assume he's just very busy, pursuing a double major and all.. I'd like to hope he's not just avoiding me but if that's the path he chooses there's nothing I can do about it. That's the thing about emotions, I've really come to stop getting emotional about things that I absolutely cannot control... And Jason is one of those things. He's a guy that likes me, or did like me and might be having second thoughts about it; clearly. Whether he decides to continue this... errm... "relationship." But don't call it that because it's not one. It's kind of dating I'd suppose. Spending time together. 

...Whether he decides to spend time with me again is his decision and I can only be myself and see what lies ahead. 

Unfortunately my birthday is coming up and I have no idea how I'll be spending it. It's this Monday but if I wanted to do something I guess it'd have to be this weekend or next. You can't really postpone celebrating a birthday too much further than that because it loses it's meaning. 

My last birthday was a complete disaster because I spent it at one of Jessika's disgusting parties with her alcoholic, 30 year old roommate trying to get with me. I look back on those scenarios and all I can say is Thank God by life has come to a 180 degree turn. I swear it's all thanks to my guitar, I never again felt that need to get the approval of others because I always have something to fall back on when I'm feeling sad or depressed. It's magical what an instrument can do to your life. 

My 20th year was good for the most part, however. It turned around at the beginning of 2012 when I started setting goals to practice an hour a day. This goal setting of course increased rapidly when I started getting lessons with Jacob and my whole outlook on life changed for the better. 

This year was calm, I worked at my boring job at Rite aid but it was safe and it kept me out of trouble for the most part. I remember in March or so I'd get texts from that disgusting tool Barry asking if I wanted to get together. I finally had the courage to tell him to fuck off after the confidence boost from playing guitar. See how this all ties together? 

Anyway, since this new adjustment my confidence I had back home is taking awhile to come forward. I feel confident in class because I study the Hell out of the material but socially I'm having a hard time finding people I'd want to spend time with outside of my little day to day schedule. Maybe I don't have too. I just feel like there's some expectancy in college to drink and party and if I don't I'm not getting the full experience. 

My mom kept on saying, "You need to have fun!!" I do have fun, but for the last year or so I haven't done any partying or anything. That leaves me with this birthday in a week. I don't know what I'm going to do for it because I haven't really made any friends up here at Central that I've hung out with outside of class, aside from Jason who right now doesn't seem to want to spend time with me what-so-ever. I would want to spend it with Katelynn but I just drove home this last weekend and don't feel like going to the tri cities AGAIN this upcoming weekend. 

I want to have fun on my 21st birthday.... even if I really hate getting drunk because it makes me extremely ill. I took three shots at Shawn's party, with food and a LOT of water but still got extremely sick the next day and it completely killed any fun that I'd had the previous night because I was doubled over the toilet puking my guts out. F*ck, I hate drinking. 

peace.