First time bars in eburg, busy a## mondays

Hello to anyone who reads my blogs. As you can see, it snowed this morning.

Very cold, uncomfortable walk to economics class. Did Terry offer to give me a ride back? Of course not. ha ha ha. 

I didn't end up seeing him all weekend. He texted me first thing Saturday morning and we sort of threw around the idea of seeing eachother but it didn't end up happening. He asked me if I wanted to study economics with him last night but postponed it until today because he had to finish writing a paper (tomorrow we have a test in economics). He didn't really seem interested in talking to me in class so it could go either way tonight. It doesn't matter and I am not worried about it, I will get the work done either way. 

 I had a really good weekend because I had my first experience going to bars in Ellensburg.

The bars were actually a lot nicer than I expected. Much nicer than the ones in Richland, and there were hardly any older adults-- it consisted primarily of 20-somethings so I did see some girls from my classes. I also saw a couple of Allie's friends, like Oscar and some guys that live with him. I talked to them quite a bit and danced with Allie's Puerto Rican friend once I got a little more drunk. At about 1:30 I really wanted to get the hell out of that place though (Called The 301, I'm pretty sure).. Not because I was uncomfortable necessarily but because it was loud and alcohol has a way of making me tired.

The cute guy in my professional speaking class is a bartender at the starlight. He's a really attractive, "heart-throb"-y guy, like he's the kind of guy that that gets fan girls from acting sweet to being borderline sappy. On one of the first days we'd talked about the guitar because he'd talked about it in his personal introduction, but now that he's come to realize how serious I am about it he doesn't want to come around me. I had asked him about it and he's like "Yeaaah I need to practice.." lol. Ha ha, he's just so pretty to look at, I enjoy catching glances from him and watching his speeches for that reason alone. 

I had a nice visit with Katharine. It was good to get a chance to catch up with her. It seems like things in LA are going fine, she's living with Brian and his roomates currently and he is planning to leave his current job. I'm pretty sure Katharine told me that Brian works for a restaurant which his father helps supply the fish too. He just finished writing a book recently. Katharine is coaching track and working somewhere other than the wedding column. I can't remember where she said she was working exactly but I believe it has something to do with doing secretarial work or proofreading for a private firm.

Today I have a lot to get done so I'm considering taking a Rhodiolla here in a minute. I've drank two cups of coffee and one glass of tea which has kept me going but I feel myself getting more tired and worn out feeling. Usually happens around 5'. 

Anywhere here's what I have to get done or else I'll have quite a frustrating day tomorrow:

1. Start statistics chapter 5 homework

2. move laundry, get that done...

3. practice guitar for an hour, play nothing else matters 8-10 times

4. write my chapter 18 speech which I have to do in class tomorrow.

My classes have been pretty fun lately. I've been under little stress so far but I know that things are going to get more difficult. That's why I have to keep on top of it on a daily basis.

peace. 

Communication issues

Hi.

Okay. Here I am. Still here in Benton city. It's 12:33 pm. All my stuff is in my car, I have a few pieces of laundry tumbling around in the dryer... I have makeup on and got a good night's sleep but I have horrendous bags under my eyes. I guess there's been a lot on my mind lately. Granted I've been happy, probably happier than I've been in awhile. I usually feel this after coming home, visiting with my friends and family, and then leaving feeling refreshed.

I don't leave my calendar open when I'm home. I don't make a daily checklist either. I just do whatever I want and let the day come to me as it will. In Ellensburg however I find it necessary on the weekdays to write out everything that I need to get done. Maybe it's because I'm living alone or because I have more responsibilities.

It's probably because in college I am 100% accountable for myself, my work, etc... If I stub by toe there's no point of screaming "SH*T!" because there's nobody around to hear it-- versus here at home where if I'd stub my toe the whole house would have to hear about it. It's funny, I find myself falling into old cursing habits when I come home, especially when I'd hang out with Katelynn, but I don't normally curse at school unless I'm around people that make me nervous or intimidated.

I'm trying to cut back on my cursing immensely. It's hard because I got really accustomed to it at home as an anger release, but now I just think of it as something that breeds bad karma. My Dad has been yelling at my mom so much lately and he's practically impossible to communicate with. I know he realizes that we know that he's doing it too but he's afraid of losing his sense of authority if he doesn't yell all the time. He would get so much more respect out of everyone if he would just calm down, but something tells me he can't help it. He  has to yell at people or he feels like nobody's listening...

That or he does it because he's bored and it gives him some kind of satisfaction to yell at us. I don't know. I've helped my mom take everything with a grain of salt with him because I understand now that it's just in his nature to behave this way. It's unfortunately not going to change, and I sincerely believe that he loves us. I just want him to calm down and enjoy life a little more.. But at the same time I think he enjoys getting pissed off about things.

My Mom is so loving and positive but for the sake of convenience and Avery and I's sanity growing up my parents always stuck together and we've always been a family. It's an interesting relationship. My Dad's really smart, I realize that more now as I've gone to school longer because this stuff is difficult. My Dad told me hardly any of this stuff that I'm learning I will have to take directly from memory to work in the future.

Honestly I'm not thinking much about that-- my future in the professional world that is. The most important time is the present. I'm trying to do college to the best of my ability, period. Next quarter I've got statistics, professional speaking and macroeconomics and for the next week or so I'm planning on checking out what to anticipate.

Uh let's see, what else....

Clothes. My mom and I went into town and I got some new clothes to wear. That was kind of a nice confidence boost and feeling of new beginnings after losing Katelynn. I honestly feel that now that we're not best friends anymore I will start wearing brighter colors. I've come to realize that one of the only reasons I wore only dark clothes was because I wanted to stay humble to keep her in my life. Maybe subconsciously I felt that if I dressed girlier she would think I was becoming like my mom and sister and not want to be friends with me. It's all really strange.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that now that Katelynn is not in my life I feel like my main source of judgement for what's happening in my life is gone...

My Mom and I tried to have a discussion with my Dad earlier and I backed up my Mom that he often acts out of line. I surprisingly was able to make him stay and talk for 10 minutes and actually admit that he does act unreasonable. He gets really defensive when you hold him accountable for his behavior at all. It's impossible for my Mom so I kind of have to back her up when he starts screaming about absolutely nothing of importance.

peace. 

The ups and downs of being home. And Goodbye Abe.

Hello everyone.

Wow, a lot has happened. I haven't had my computer because it broke down, and currently it's sitting fixed in the K Valley shop in Ellensburg. Right now I'm sitting at the kitchen table on my Mom's laptop eating microwaved peaches with sugar, it's delicious-- tastes just like a peach cobbler filling. I haven't eaten much good food since I got here, which is one of the major downsides of coming home. For dinner I had to practically beg my sister to give me some of the fried chicken and rice she was making. It was good, but extremely rich.

I did buy a loaf of black bread that I can make french toast with in the morning. I hate cooking anything here because cleanup is certainly NOT a breeze. The lack of organzation and abundance of dishes in our kitchen makes preparing food a challenge for me. I definately miss my kitchen in my apartment already as well as eating my normal diet.

I might be on break but I've still got a lot to think about. Tomorrow is Saturday and it's extremely important for me to get up early tomorrow to start doing laundry. I'm going to do laundry, play guitar and stay here in Benton city tomorrow unless Allie contacts me about partying. If so I will pack up my stuff again and go to Ellensburg.

I need to buy some stuff tomorrow, get stoked up for Spring quarter. My mom is going to buy me some of that Russian Rhodiolla stuff from Jimmy. I also got my prozac perscription renewed on  Wednesday.

So I had my party! I really want to talk all about it with you guys but I don't have a way of getting the pictures right now. I'm using my Mom's computer and I saved the pictures on my sister's harddrive.

 

Hey look!! It's 2011 Weeaboo Emily, hello!!

Finds on my Mom's computer....

Me and Eddie Schmann. Needless to say I did not upload his on facebook. Taken the weekend of Kuro Neko con at Golden Corral.

 

 

 

There's a lot of stuff on this computer that I've saved as far back as 2008 that I'd like to get rid of. Thanks to facebook there's about 6 of this same picture with slightly different smirks on my face. 

So I will talk about the party another time, maybe tomorrow, who knows. I don't have anything going on tonight and I'm sure there's raging parties all over Ellensburg. I bet Abe is having a GRANDDDD time. Blugh, so frustrating. We're done, he wants nothing to do with me. I probably did freak out on him a little bit after not seeing him for four weeks but all of my friends say it was reasonable.

I'm not looking back. I know that Abe is attracted to me physically but he doesn't want what I want.  He has other things on his mind being 20 years old than having a girlfriend. I wasn't expecting him to be my boyfriend but I like consistancy. My love life is very interesting because I don't seem to ever consistantly interact withone person. Guys tend to like me initially for one reason or another but the circumstances in our  lives are always wrong.

Maybe if I went after guys that had more similar backgrounds as I do I would have better luck. I don't really understand why my choice in men has always not gotten me very far dating wise. I am aware that I have a very strong personality that not many people can fully understand or cope with on a day to day basis, I believe. It's not that I turn people off, actually people tend to gravitate toward me because my problems with relationships are relateable and not many are willing to vocalize on it.

But my own relationships don't go very well. Granted, 2012 was much better than 2011, in every way shape and form and it all boils down to having a higher self esteem thanks to the guitar and having something to funnel my time and energy into. I'm now in my twelveth month playing and I will now be able to tell people I've been playing "1 year ___ months" etc instead of just "5 months" or whatever. I can say that my life has gotten a lot better over the past year, including in my dating life because I've stopped settling for garbage.

However not settling for what I'm not totally attracted to has left me sort of lonely this last year. Of course we're now coming to the end of the first quarter of 2013. 2012 ended hard with stress and anxiety but most of that has alleviated itself by now. That alone is all I can ask for. Prayer has helped me a lot over the past few months too. I've also been trying to meditate more often which can be very challenging.

I need to play more guitar. Jacob gave me an entire hour and a half lesson yesterday which was awesome because he was really able to help me with Invention. It's a brilliant piece, I'm super excited to have it learned. Jake told me that if I get this down my playing will improve immensely. He's such an incredible teacher I really hope give my own students the same quality Jake has given me.

peace.

6 hour study day.... go!

I decided today is going to be my BIG study day, my goal is SIX hours total.

My to-do list today is pretty crazy so I've got to get started early. Math has me extremely paranoid and frustrated because my instructor never writes out the steps of anything-- I have to annotate everything he says and I end up missing other steps. It doesn't help that the textbook is completely useless.

But if I do these six hours of study today I should be a lot better off for next week and I'll feel more prepared than I did this week. Most of my first tests are in this upcoming week as well so I should definitely be re-saturating the information in my brain, getting a chance to sleep on it, and re-studying it the next day to get a better understanding than the previous day.

This has been working with my legal class. I've been studying that for a couple hours each day and I've already got a better understanding of the court system than when I started. I printed out one of the old legal tests for the first unit-- 108 problems full of legal terminology and rules, it's incredibly difficult and if I don't prepare for this diligently I will inevitably fail this test. So wish me luck on that.

So today's goals are:
- Do laundry
- Annotate ch. 2 of my legal textbook
- ...Then take the Ch. 1/2 quiz for my legal class.
- Math for at least two hours, going to meet up with Patrick and he's going to help me out. Maybe we'll also hang out this evening after I get everything done, who knows.
-Annotate chapter 2 of accounting book.

As you can see, lots and lots of work, but if I get done with this I'm going to be SO proud of myself. I don't know when I'm going to be able to squeeze guitar in today. Yesterday I only got to play a half hour, it sucks! But I guess that's what I expected coming here, I was so blessed to be able to sit around practicing for 3 hours a day back home but here I have to earn that time.

peace.


Later....

Patrick came over and helped me with my math for almost two hours, AND brought me a bag of bagels when I asked him to pick me up one on his way back from the SURC. That was super sweet of him and he got major brownie points to spend time with me again if he wants too. 

Jason hasn't talked to me all day, this is the second day in a row. I had told him earlier this week that my birthday was this upcoming monday, asking if he wanted to spend time together. I mean obviously, why wouldn't we? He told me he's got other plans this weekend and that he'll let me know if he can get out of them. 

I've already got plans, my parents and Katelynn are coming up on Sunday, we're probably going to have dinner and it'll be a chill time. I'm not worried about if Jason's involvement anymore, I just always feel like I'm an inconvenience to him now and I don't want to feel that way about anyone. I want to feel like that person is enjoying spending time with me, doesn't everyone? 

So because Jason told me that he is going to let me know if he can get out of plans or not, I'm going to wait it out. If he seriously has no regard for my feelings what-so-ever, he will text me AT ALL this weekend. If that is the case, that will be the end of Jason and I's run. So if he's like almost every other guy that I've been involved with romantically, he will follow that hypothesis, ignore me, and I'll have to cut things off which I really don't WANT to do because I like Jason but I can't just wait and wait if he's just going to blow me off like that. 

I'm satisfied that I now have a verdict on this. I'm not going to text Jason first this weekend at all and we'll see what he does. Until then I've got a lot of stuff going on so it doesn't really matter. 

peace.