Why me living in a house with two other girls is a bad idea

It's only 11:30 am and I've already had a lot to think about today....

I haven't eaten breakfast aside from an apple. It's almost lunch time... ugh, there's no cereal. There's enough stuff on hand to keep me going for the next few days, I'm just going to gradually start getting creative again because I don't want to spend the last of my cash on food.. especially when realistically there's so much around here. I think of people from poorer countries that have to make due with next to nothing.

Allie contacted me this morning about whether or not I'd like to live in a house with her friend next year. I don't know, as fun as that sounds I don't think that could be the right choice for me. Here's the pros versus cons of living off campus for me:

Pros:

-Live with someone that I sort of know that will talk to me versus potentially get the situation like I did with Kristin this year.... 

-Probably be forced to do more social things

Cons:

-Obvious fees and bills versus hidden fees at school.Have to pay $425 out of pocket each month. Granted my parents would probably still help me with this but because this is a monthly thing versus a lump sum on a loan it's much more obvious of a fee that I'd have to deal with my Dad on. As it is I hate asking for the money for my guitar lessons-- which would pretty much be guaranteed out the window if I'm already asking for rent. 

-It would be FURTHER... It would be on this road that is down the road from student village... which would mean an even further ride to Shaw. All of my classes, all year are likely to be in that same building. I go back and forth between my apartment between classes to munch, smoke, etc... Do what I need to do to unwind and prepare myself for the upcoming class. It would be too much of a bikeride for me to go back and forth to a house. 

-More to clean. When you live with one other person you are forced to clean up after yourself because your roommate can easily point a finger at you. If you're living with two other people and one of them leaves a mess then you're pretty much stuck cleaning it up to cook for yourself. A house is just more of a burden to clean up than an apartment in general. 

This is what I liked to escape when I moved out from my family's house, I'm always having to clean up after my Dad and sister's food messes that don't bother them as much as it bothers me. 

-I prefer being alone most of the time. Which kind of made the fact that Kristin hated me nice. I've realized that there's a time for friends/family and a time to be alone... and most of my time is spent alone and that's how I like it. The amount that I study and practice guitar is absurd and if it's too loud or messy for me to do that there's nothing quicker to set me off. 

Damn I'm experiencing a sugar crash from eating a waffle... I need to go make some food.

peace. 

-

Everything has changed....

..But at the same time nothing's changed.

Here's my right side of the room, as you can see this will be where I spend a great amount of time.

I'm still sitting here at a desk, on the computer. Played guitar for 90 minutes and it's only 7:42 PM, got all my scales, arpeggios, picking and chords done which means it's time to PLAY! I'm only going to play 40 more minutes though unless I get some paperwork done for my business. I think the first thing I should get done is my flyers. Get some students lined up. Maybe I should post an internet ad first. 

Before I do that though I need to figure out what times I'm going to schedule students.. there's still a lot of work that needs to be done before I can get this off the ground but I just need to buckle down and get it done. I'm also going to need to find a place that has a copier. I figure if I make one general starting packet then I can make copies of the pages for each student that I book. 

I just have keep telling myself that I AM good enough for this. Neilsen might've had a broader spectrum then me but he was a terrible teacher and still managed to get students. I'm going to put way more effort into my lessons than Neilsen, Aaron or Brian ever did... Jacob has just created very high expectations in myself. I want to give lessons that are as thorough as those that were given to me but this won't happen overnight. I can only try my best and realize that I'm going to make mistakes.

Same goes with my business degree here at Central. I've just gotta study hard, if I study every day it doesn't matter how difficult the material is, I can do this if I set small goals and milestones to get there. During my previous lesson with Jacob he actually sat down with me and wrote down a goal setting process where you can write down your long term, short term, 90 day and 30 day goals and then the small steps you're going to take today to get there. When you look at this goal sheet before bed, these long term goals stick in your mind at night and your brain focuses in on them subconsciously. The next day you feel that much more inspired to set new goals to accomplish your overall goals. 

My whiteboard on the side wall describes my daily goals. Every day when I get up in the morning I will write down my goals for the day and it will serve as a constant reminder of what I need to get done and how to really live for each day to my full advantage. 

I know that all this goal setting seems crazy, but it's really my way of holding together right now. This transition has been a lot for me already. Yesterday the move in was easy enough, aside from the fact that we're on the third floor and had to haul tons of stuff up three flights of stairs. I'm very happy with my living situation, though!

My room is BIG! I'd say it's a third bigger than my room at home in all directions. It's even tall, the slanted ceiling makes me feel like I'm in a ski lodge. This room has excellent feng shui, I was able to set up everything with ease with my immense amount of storage space. My parents were so smart about getting me set up to live on my own. There are so many things that I didn't even realize I use from a day to day basis that my Mom remembered to buy. My parents have done so much for me these past 20 years and I look forward to an incredible 20 more but it really was time for me to leave the nest. 

We were all really sad initially, my Mom called and talked about the emptiness in the house and that it's really strange not having me there. I agree, I feel strange not being there. Everything is quiet. My roommate and I are just roommates. I'm not really interested in creating a super close friendship with her because I think that would just create problems and co-dependency in the long run. I also think we already have a very good mutual respect for eachother's space, privacy and stuff. Things really couldn't get better on that end but obviously I want to meet some new friends and have people over soon. 

I feel comfortable here, I'm not really nervous about my classes or anything. I do feel lonely at the moment because I don't really know anybody yet nor have I made a huge effort to meet people. Reason being hardly anyone's here yet, the official move in day is tomorrow so people are going to be hauling all there crap in every direction. This seems like a good day to do my laundry, there's going to be a lot of people around versus this afternoon where it was very desolate everywhere you turn. 

I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow! I did get my parking permit today so that's taken care of. My parents are coming up on Saturday to deliver some stuff I need and figure out the deal with financial aid. I sort of screwed up because I told Housing that I'll be paying for my apartment with my student loans but my parents don't want to do that, they'd rather just pay it out of pocket and avoid that expense later. Obviously I like the second option better but I already messed up my files and it's probably going to be a huge pain to change it back later in the week. 

I've spent a lot of money since I got here.. I'm sure I'm down to $140 by now from my payday last Thursday. My parents are going to help me out though. I'm hoping that I'll hardly have to ask once I get the ball rolling with lessons.

peace. 

The root of the depression.

I need to find the root of this depression before it gets out of hand.

I know that I've been taking it out on my family lately and it's only making things worse. I just want these bad thoughts out of my head, so I've been turning to smoking a lot of weed to make it go away. But it's not working, it's so temporary, and they just come back in the morning and oftentimes I feel worse about myself. I'm done with turning to substances to make myself feel better, and need to find something more constructive.

As the weather gets warmer I will begin running every day. I started doing that a couple weeks ago, but because the weather was so cold it didn't allow me to run very far without my lungs feeling like they were frozen. I need to find another hobby, or turn to one of my earlier hobbies to help me get my mind off of things. Maybe I'll pick up the guitar again. Hopefully, my computer will stay... alive, long enough that I can use it until I get a new computer. Who knows when that will be.

My mom says that my attitude lately depresses her, and oftentimes she'll  try to talk to me and I'll reply with one word responses so I can avoid telling her anything that might make her irritated. Then after she continues to badger me, I end up slipping and saying something awful and she graons and goes "Emily STOP."

I need to find out what the root of this depression is. Katelynn, along with a few others, seem to really care and have been asking what's wrong but I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. The truth is, it's a number of things that have kind of piled on top of eachother the past few weeks. Luckily, it's not related to school directly, so my grades continue to be good even if I'm deeply bothered.

Here are the things that are making me depressed, if I can name them...

1. I don't have a job, and my sister does. This is really fucking annoying. Especially when she comes in flaunting her paycheck and talking about what she got in tips while I'm continually bothering my parents for money so I can get back and forth to school. Most other people, even complete morons, tend to have jobs. Why the fuck do I not have one? And I AM trying too. I've applied to... 5 different places since I quit Sweet Treat because of that horrendous bitch was intolerable. Have I gotten a call back? No.

2. I feel as though I'm living in filth. My room and my car are a fucking pit, but because of depression it's hard to get the ambition to clean them. Now that I have time this weekend I will start cleaning them, and hopefully it will make me feel a little bit better. There is just too much shit in my room. There's dust everywhere from insense. There's too much clothes. There's PAPERS. fucking PAPERS EVERYWHERE.

3. I'm lonely. Honestly this is one that is hard for me to admit because I DO have friends that I hang out with frequently and I really care about them. But when it seems like all of your friends are either in a relationship with someone they are madly in love and satisfied with, it makes you feel lonely. And it's so much fucking worse when they're blantant and braggy about it.

4. I'm broke. Which leads to me sitting here, alone, doing nothing because I have no money to do anything if I wanted too.

5. I no longer want to go to Japan. Which makes me feel like this whole learning japanese thing has been pointless. The reason for this is after working for an Asian I realized how nearly impossible it is to impress them because they think white people are lazy and stupid. So that definately doesn't make me want to go to Japan anymore. Plus my mom just loves to rub in my face how some english teacher over there disappeared because she's essentially saying, "see, that could of been YOU." Thanks Mom.

I honestly don't want people's sympathy, or even anyone to take notice in this. I write here because it makes me feel like I'm talking to-- well, myself. It helps me understand why I feel the way I do. Putting things in writing is just something that helps me. It is not a cry for help, attention, or for people's sympathy. A lot of people that have never gone through depression don't understand how serious it is, and think that people should just quit being whiny and should just "Stop", like my mom says.

So I need to find a solution. I need a hobby. Wow, and looking around my room makes me realize how many hobbies have came and left. Claymation, drawing, guitar, bass.. so many things that i've turned to when I'm depressed like this and then pushed aside again. But it worked. So i'm going to go back to playing guitar again. Hopefully it'll help clear my head and distract me from how I'm feeling lately.

yours,
emily