Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, and pretend that everything's fine

Just close your eyes, I'll tell you when 

Best. F^%$ing. Line. in this Mastodon song "All the Heavy Lifting" that I absolutely love to listen to when I need an extra push during my runs around town. I joke that with all the pizza and beer I've consumed this summer I'm not even running to get in better shape, I'm running to stay in the same shape!! 

Anyway, what's up guys? It's Wednesday morning. I had the last two days off which I spent doing the usual, but did have a nice evening last night for my cousin Graham's going away party so I'll start out by telling you about that. 

This might look like any other picture of cousins taken over the years (Minus Rachel who's in Mexico for a mission) but there's more behind the fact that it's being taken. 

I feel like things have changed for the better  in our family because of the effort I've made to keep in touch with my grandmother regardless of the painful situation that occurred primarily between my Dad and Ty a few years ago that basically took my Dad out of the picture entirely. I know my Grandma didn't intend for it to go as far as it did. I just think it more or less has comes down to my Grandma not wanting to deal with life alone after my Grandpa died and when Ty was willing to come in and take over the finances she was all for it. 

For about a year after that last cherry harvest where Ty wanted to fire me for messing up our already inefficient ticket system, I had no contact with anyone on that side of the family. I remember passive-aggressively making a point to my aunt how much I didn't like them by posting a status a following Thanksgiving when my Mom's side was visiting that it was "The best Thanksgiving ever." My aunt Teri and I got in an argument over Facebook shortly after and I deleted and blocked everyone on that side of the family for about a year. 

It wasn't until about Winter of my second quarter at Central when I started dealing with some major anxiety that I started trying to patch things up with my family. I started calling my Grandma when I was trying to come down from major panic attacks and her talk of mundane, day to day life would kind of put me at ease. She loves to talk so that kind of helped rebuild our relationship after not talking for two years. Since then my relationship with the rest of my family has been pretty good. We just entirely
avoid talking about the kind of sad and obvious stalemate that has occurred between my Dad and his family and just hope there can be some kind of resolution someday. 

Graham's going away party was actually a send-off for bootcamp with the Navy. He's going to Illinois to get his ass kicked, basically. But we're all really proud of him and he seems more than ready. It's pretty incredible, Graham lost 90 lbs in the last year by keeping a food diary and exercising in order to suit his recruiters needs. Only someone who really wants something could do that because losing significant amounts of weight is so hard, especially when you've had kind of the same build your entire life. So yeah I have no doubt he'll do great. 

The party was at my aunt Teri's house and she was cooking a lot of Dominoes (here I am eating pizza again!! I swear to God this summer I've been on the pizza diet...!). Teri, Traci, Grandma, Tiffany, Avery and I were all standing around the table chatting. One thing that came up a couple of times that stood out to me was the sudden death of a young Benton City woman that suffocated sleeping on a memory foam mattress. My Grandma went to the funeral because the family of the woman that passed is LDS and she is actually the older sister of a guy I graduated with. Very sad. 

....I can't help wonder if they'll file a lawsuit against temperpedic. 

I think the biggest highlight of the evening was that my uncle John and I actually related on something-- and this is a family member I've honestly never talked more than small talk bullshit to in my life! He asked me if I was returning to Central in the Fall and I told him that I'd decided to stay back and work full time for a quarter instead. 

When I told him I'd be "returning to business school in the Winter..." he asked me "So are they going to raise or lower the prime rate soon?" He was trying to see if I knew my shit and I wanted to seize the opportunity. I paused for a second... my mind was like 'God, think, Prime rate, interest, Carbaugh's class..." and I responded "The interest rate the federal reserve charges to borrow money? I'm not quite sure what they're doing now." 8-) Ha ha ha, Hell yea. I could have just bullshit and said they were going to lower it to increase spending if I wanted to sound like a real hotshot but I honestly don't know the REAL answer to that question. 

I told him that someday I want to go into forecasting stocks and portfolio building and he said he wanted to be an analyst himself if he hadn't become an engineer. He's bought and sold stocks before so I could probably learn a lot talking to him about his experience with it. 

I'm just dying to start playing around with buying and selling stocks on E-trade but before that happens obviously I've gotta MAKE some money. As of right now I'm flat ass broke and have been for a couple days. I've got a paycheck waiting for me at Caesar's but it's not worth the drive to Pasco to get it when I can just pick it up today when I go to work. 

With my little 3 and 4 hour shifts my paycheck is going to be puny as all Hell. I'm probably just going to keep out $40 in cash, try and stretch that as long as possible and put the rest of it away. I really need to start applying for other jobs. Things have just been coming up so I haven't had a chance yet but I think seeing my first paycheck will *really* motivate me. 

peace. 

Christmas I can't complain.

I can honestly tell you today was the best Christmas I've ever had.

Though this isn't meant to somehow demean the work of my parents or Dad's side of the family in past years. I've been fortunate enough to have a lot of great Christmas's; today was just really good. The weather was beautiful today, like 77 degrees, might even have gotten in the 80's at some point because my Grandma was complaining about being hot but she always does that. She'd much rather be cold most of the time.

#1 Gift of the Day: King of the Hill DVDs, Hell f**king yes I am so happy to finally have these.

You know what's awesome about having the DVD version? I get access to the SPANISH version and can watch it with English translations!! So I can enjoy watching King of the Hill and study spanish at the same time while I practice chords......!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS *EXPLODES*

I got some of the best damn gifts this year. It seemed as though I got a disproportionately larger number of gifts than Avery but I realized it was because my sister got a big gift this year-- brand new laptop! She's needed one for years so I'm happy she's got one for school. I know she'll take better care of it than I ever have any of my laptops. Right now I'm using my Mom's laptop because my Grandma's PC doesn't play DVDs. Oh well it's a little old but it's been playing my Intervention episodes just fine since I've gotten here... I just can't get enough of those meth heads and alcoholics and PCP addicts I tell you what. Yet I can't sit through an episode of popular shows like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia without being forced.

Awesome Gift of the Day #2: My sketch set from my Dad!

Well this was something I found for $25 at Ross but didn't want to spend my own money on it so I had my Dad get it for me. He didn't bother to wrap it, it was given to me in the Ross bag he got it in sort of crumpled up but I didn't care, I acted like it was the first time I saw it and everyone was impressed by my Dad's gift buying skills.

I spent a solid three hours sitting with my aunt Dale and drawing this picture of my cousin today. It was nice, working on the picture sort of glued me to my seat and she's always surprisingly easy to make conversation with. She was so grateful to be with us. Since my uncle Robert died she was never able to spend Christmas was my Grandpa Dennis's (his brother's) family. My grandparents supported Robert and Dale for years to help with living expenses along with the SSI they were already receiving from the state from disability. They're both really Jewish and Robert had some screws lose which is why they never worked. He passed away recently so Dale finally got to spend Christmas with her family. It honestly makes me a little sad to think about the past when I hear my Grandma and Dale talk about the stress their husbands put them through and how relieved they are in some sense. 

I don't know, I think women just had to put up with more back then in general.... 

Tomorrow I'm going to Dale's house to check out her epic collection of stuff. She's a collector and she says she has THOUSANDS of stickers, which makes me happy because as you guys know I'm a sticker fanatic ever since I started putting them on my bike. I bet I'll find some hilarious retro ones. I've seen the inside of her house before, for some a "hoarder" house is really uncomfortable to spend time in but it doesn't bother me at all for some reason. I'm just too fascinated to care, I'm like my Dad that way. Tomorrow he's going to go with me and we're going to fix her sink.

Christmas dinner was really good tonight. The ingredients used were really good and fresh because they're mainly organic and I didn't feel gross after eating. I didn't eat that much though. Didn't feel like eating sweets today at all and didn't have the cinnamon rolls for breakfast or pie after dessert. I've decided that since I'm here I might as well get in better shape while I've got this nice space and healthy food around and it's sort of deterred me from eating more.

I feel like alcohol makes me not want sweets for some reason, too. Like if I'm drinking I tend to only eat savory things and eating something like a donut, pie, icecream etc doesn't sound appetizing what so ever. Ha ha my aunt and uncle got me a bottle of my uncles favorite tequila, he's Mexican and likes to party, I'm sure he knows a good bottle of tequila and I look forward to trying this eventually. After the trip though, it's stowed in my "stuff that I don't actually need until the end of the trip" suitcase. 

Alright I think that's enough for now. 

peace. 

THIS IS CHRIST-MAS EVE, THIS IS CHRIST-MAS EVE!

Pleasure to see you all again.

Today's been a relaxing, good day. Of course it's Christmas eve, everyone's in a good mood. I got up and got ready this morning at around 11 but I didn't actually go anywhere. I just do my hair and makeup every day that I'm on vacation because I never know what my Grandma might think is photo worthy. Ha ha unfortunately I've done nothing photo worthy today by any means, I sat on my ass in front of the computer and played guitar all day. I did see and talk to my family and play with Aiden of course. 

I made myself a turkey bagel sandwich for breakfast and a turkey sandwich for lunch. I snacked around on chips and salsa a little bit, as well as ate an apple. I can easily recall what I eat here because I generally have to prepare it in my Grandma's kitchen which requires picking and choosing through organic almond milk and flax seed cake.. Thank you Trader Joes. 

Right now I'm waiting on my aunt to bring pizza, it's 6:55 pm and I haven't really eaten a meal since 2 and I'm getting sooo hungry. Oh thank God it's here, that sh*t took hours. I'm gonna eat three pieces, f**k the rest!!! 

26 minutes later...

Well I ate two pieces, and one of them was puny and gluten free and I'm feeling stuffed. It's probably from the beer that I'm drinking to put up with my Grandmother's weird nonsense. She's always talking about her food intake and how she needs to burn off the calories she consumes. Like at dinner she's like "I wonder how many miles it will take me to burn this off..." She stood up to took her plate in and I said to my sister, "I wonder how many miles it'll take for me to give a f**k." She cracked up. 

 I know that my sister has a harder time with my grandma's food comments more than I do because it makes her feel guilty for eating. I don't blame her. Like she was dipping her pizza in ranch and my Grandma was like "Pizza and ranch?" like what a health disgrace! Stuff like that. 

My sister's been cooking all day and bringing in groceries to prepare the snacks for Christmas eve. I'm glad she did because I don't think there would have been anything else to munch on otherwise. My sister had left to pick up some things she'd forgotten and I overheard my aunt say, "Where is she going, to get more food?" It's Christmas eve!! Like since I've been here all I've heard is backhanded comments about what people are eating... but then at the same time Grandma will go on and on about how great the stuff my sister is making is to almost make up for her hurtful comments. 

Like always I've been switching between being on the computer practicing and hanging out with family. I feel I've been chill and friendly with everyone. I've been having a lot of fun hanging out with my cousin Aiden, he runs in and out every so often.

Well I'm going to go exercise. Somehow all that talk about burning off calories when we were eating pizza got to my head.

peace.

If I weren't leaving I think I'd be with you. [5 days!]

My Grandma and I had lunch today, which is an enormous burden off my shoulders because she hadn't really heard from my family in a couple years and wanted to know how we were doing. I told her how Avery and I are doing very well, and that neither of us are mad at her. Though the situation is extremely frustrating and my Dad has felt lost without the farm things just happen. We're all still in good health and I should at least make an effort to visit once and awhile.

I've never actually watched the show Bob's Burgers. I'm just... not interested, the animation turns me off. 

We went to Bob's Burgers and I got fish and chips. I only ate a little of it because I wasn't super hungry and wanted to save the leftovers for later but my mom ate them a few minutes after I stuck it in the fridge. Sigh.. I thought she'd at least leave some of it for me, I think I actually said I didn't want any more of it. Probably for the best that I don't eat two big servings of fish and chips in one day...

This morning it took me awhile to get out of bed and I've only practiced the guitar 40 minutes today. I'm going to need a new motivation now that Jacob will no longer be teaching me. I was thinking of starting a new reward system where if I practice my three hours (which will probably shorten to 2 once I start with school) a day I'll put a sticker on my sheet. At the end of the week, for every sticker on my sheet I'll earn $5.  I'll take the cash directly out of the bank and spend it on absolutely whatever I want/need with it.

Better a reward system with cash than food.

Katelynn and I hung out today for a bit. It was a quick visit because she drove out here and had to leave because Alan needed his car. I read her the crazy Trisha/Dylan blog entry, it was the first time she'd gotten the detailed story. They texted me again recently when Dad and I went to Hobby Lobby asking if I wanted to let the "past be the past" and hang out again. Uhm, no thank you...? Just thinking about them makes me shake with anxiousness. I've never been with anyone that finds and points out my flaws so readily.

Katelynn mentioned that she saw Josh K. recently at Albertsons or something. I'm sad that he never really comes into Rite Aid anymore. I don't know if it's because of me because he feels obligated to make small talk or if it's because he can't drink monsters anymore... Or maybe he just doesn't drink monsters and smoke cigarettes anymore. OR he is buying them but found a better deal than Rite Aid. Either way, I haven't seen him in weeks, and I probably won't get a chance to say goodbye.

I'll spend the majority of my shift wondering this tomorrow. The funny thing about Josh is this... I think he is s attracted to me as I am to him but he has never wanted to start something because I'm leaving. This is also probably why  we haven't spent any time together since then (he's messaged me drunk a couple times wanting me to come out there but I don't want that right now... even if I would have liked too). He's been my only interest this summer. He's always been really respectful toward me which is huge. He's confident, nice, AND smoking hot.. all good qualities. I imagine if I weren't going to college, Josh and I would be dating.

But things aren't going to happen that way because they weren't meant too. For some reason God wanted me to have some major alone time this summer, apparently.

5 days!!!

Check it out I finally got a new default. 

Giggity.

It's been awhile since I've been able to get a decent webcam shot. I like my facebook picture to be pretty nondescript like this. 

Shoot it's almost 8:00. I stayed up late one night last night and woke up with worse acne than yesterday, even if the one on my face on the left disappeared I've got two more now near my chin. I need to order differin again but it's so expensive and that'll take a good chunk from my last paycheck but oh well, it's an $80 rescue product that I always should have on hand with my skin issues.

Tomorrow is my last Saturday shift. I have to go into it with a good attitude like I did on Thursday to make it through as quickly as possible.

peace. 

How my instrument protects me from the world.

7 more days.

This is the last week of my life I will live in Benton city. 

Well, I suppose there's no absolute guarantee that I won't move back in with my parents but you guys know how stubborn I am and how much I DON'T want that to happen after my 20 years of living with my parents. I've never moved out, I've waited until it was the RIGHT time to do this and now that it is I can't imagine I'll ever turn back. 

Clearly, there's a lot on my mind right now. 

Let's start with what's most important. I practiced 16 hours of guitar last week. That's not very good, that only averages out a couple hours a day versus my normal three. BUT it was a good week of practice because yesterday at lessons I was really able to keep up with Jacob on some of the technical stuff he has me doing. 

He recently gave me an entirely new warmup packet that contains all the exercises that HE does. That's a huge deal to me, I'm really proud of myself to have gotten to the level that I can practice the same warmups that he does. Well I can't *just* yet but I have the materials and patience to do so this week.

Before leaving Jacob tried giving me a stack of like 10 of his business cards telling me to "give them to my friends." I started laughing so hard, not because it wasn't a good idea but because there's no way I'll see 10 friends in the next week.

I really hope his business does well though. Guitar lessons is a great business. You don't have to hire anyone because you can teach the students yourself. Jacob did hire an accountant recently, though. I'll be doing my own bookkeeping, I'm excited to access the value of all of my small amount of equipment that I'll be using. I'll even use my rent expense as a contra-revenue account. 

The only big expense in teaching guitar is the printing expense. Ink is really expensive, about $40 a cartridge or more... And I'll be printing tabs and practice sheets for multiple students. I'll probably just have them print some of their own stuff but for the introductory lesson I'll have quite a few pages to give each student. 

Moving on...

Today I'm having lunch with my Grandma Fran. My Dad doesn't want me to make light of the situation if she asks how he's doing. My Dad's been really affected by this whole situation, he knew and worked on that farm for 42 years of his life (literally, I bet he probably started working out there when he was eight or nine) and he got kicked out with no warning or reasoning from his family. 

If peaches aren't picked quickly enough they fall on the ground. Because there's only 60 or so peaches in a 26 lb box, that's money falling every time. 

The farm is now almost completely destroyed. It's overgrown and unkempt, ripe peaches probably falling on the ground because there's not enough pickers getting them. 

I imagine myself as a person who gets things done. My Dad is someone who gets things done and my Dad's Dad was someone who got things done; Tyler however didn't get that hard work ethic. Up until a couple years ago he would spend the majority of the harvest in his room smoking pot all day, he would come out to boss people around occasionally and would drive around on the tractor. He was never the one that was interacting with the pickers, figuring out where we should drive to pick up boxes next, or even the one to get the ladders up at the end of the day. That was all my Dad, he orchestrated everything and did an incredible amount of work for next to nothing because it was something he believed in and he got bastardized. The farm was given to my uncle Ty, and continues to be his even if I doubt he wants it anymore.

Because of course my uncle Ty only works a few months out of the year. I remember being not only appalled but surprised that Ty wanted the farm so badly for that reason. He really had no idea what he was getting into when he fought so hard for it and now he's stuck with an immense amount of work that grows every day that it's not pruned, watered and tended. 

I'd never want to do it either but that's how my Dad would have wanted to spend the rest of his life if he could. He's probably going to want to retire in the next 10.. 15 years or so and once that happens he's not going to have anything except whatever projects he's got going on here at the house without the farm. It's really sad, and I'm afraid there's no turning back from the damage that has been done to my Dad psychologically. 

On the bright side, though, this last couple years has been the only time in my life that I've gotten to really know my Dad because he spent almost my entire childhood at the farm.

______________________________

The noodles pictured above are the same type of noodles that were in my pork noodle dish yesterday. So delicious. 

Yesterday I hung out with Katelynn and realized that we had never been to Saigon Market together. That was always something I did with Samantha and never got a chance to go with Katelynn for some reason. We went to Haong Saigon restaurant and as always it was really, really good. Those little old ladies make the best pho but I ordered a noodle dish instead so I could take it home more easily. Pho noodle broth probably has fish sauce and all sorts of things that would reek to high heaven if you spilt it in your car, but it really is delicious stuff so it was tempting to just order pho again. 

Note that "pho" really is pronounced "Pha." I pronounced it Pha when Stephanie's aunt asked me what I ordered and I told her that I'd considered getting it. Stephanie's aunt is really sweet, she owns Saigon market so I try to shop there whenever I'm in the area. Leyte and Saigon are tied for the best Asian stores that I like to shop at. I like Saigon's selection between but it's too far of a drive most of the time.

Thank God i'm getting paid tomorrow. I don't want to know what my balance is but after going out to eat with Katelynn, driving into town, etc etc... I'm probably down to my last $100 by now. This will be my last full paycheck with Rite Aid. 

That reminds me, my last Thursday shift is tomorrow so I should probably get some laundry done today and make sure my uniform is nice and clean. I can't wait to change my facebook to "Emily Wilson stopped working at Rite Aid," wheeee!!! 

I guess I'll mention as well that things've been sort of lonely for me. I've been thinking a little more about guys, sort of. Like yesterday I saw a pretty cute, long haired skater-looking guy staring at me at the DMV. At first glance I thought he might've been Josh F. because he was wearing a black hat like Josh always did and had the same skin/hair color but when he looked up I realized he was actually somewhat cuter than Josh is and I quickly looked away. 

This glance led to him staring at me, so I decided to look straight at him for about a second just to catch him in the act. Definitely, DEFINITELY cute, so again, I look down, almost giggling. I was really complimented that he was checking me out in the first place, but I have no reason to talk to guys right now so I didn't want to initiate conversation or anything.

I've never had a distinguished "Type" that I like, probably because I've never had a good enough relationship to say that I've REALLY liked anyone. I'm pretty afraid of men at this point. Going to Central I am very cautious of college guys that try hooking up with as many girls as possible. This makes me really afraid of getting manipulated into that, or being drugged and raped at parties. Guess this means I'll have to stay as far away from situations like this as possible. 

That's another thing that Jacob has sort of helped me with. He told me that a girl should NEVER pursue a guy, which is something I plan to live by now. I won't ever initiate talking to a guy because that's creepy, if a guy wants to talk to me he'll do it. 

I will NOT play into stupid "Yeah we'll go on dates.. but lets have sex first" bullshit lies that men try to tell girls to make us feel like something will come out of their empty sex. If a guy tries that I will immediately shut him down and make him feel very stupid for trying.

Actually I'm looking forward to seeing the first sap that tries. 

Because you see, because of my guitar my self esteem now is MUCH higher because I always have sense of purpose, something to fall back on. My center, my niche.  My guitar is something I will always have even if I don't have a man to talk to or hold my hand. It's helped to create an even thicker barrier between my sanity and happiness to the outside world that has raped my soul when it was unprotected. 

peace. 

Walking through the forests

Hello all.

Right now I'm sitting in Jessika's room, they just ran off together. We had a really nice walk in Zintar Canyon and Jessika's grandma's house is super comfortable. It's the kind of thrifty old wooden house that I like. I'm showing Tim this band called Porcupine Tree that I absolutely love and think he would too. Jessika had invited me over to jam with her friend Tim who she told me was really skilled. I was initially very intimidated by this but now that I've been taking lessons with Jacob I feel more confident in my skills. Annnyway....

Jamming went fine, he plays mainly cords and writes some of his own music. He was pretty impressed by my playing abilities having only played six months. I just needed the right tools-- which was my teacher, a lot of time and patience.

They're sort of just sitting there. They said they feel so chill right now, so I think they like my music taste.

I went to Katharine's graduation party today, that was also a pretty good experience. I caught up with a bunch of people and also met a couple of Katharine's friends from Central. Katharine's friends were really neat, I was impressed, especially this one really tan girl that looked like a blast to spend time with. This was also a good experience I really wanted a chance to talk to Khylee and Tim for some reason... I feel like their most lasting impression of me was back six years ago when I was a very offensive, loud moron.

But obviously I've changed since then. Khylee and Tim though, they don't seem like they've changed that much. They've always been smarter than most of the people in their class, they're witty, and I've always felt like they haven't liked me much because they've always sneered at whatever I say. Probably because Tim is one of those people that you say always something stupid around... My Mom said his Dad is sort of like that too, intimidatingly intelligent people. There are few people that intimidate me in this way, but Tim is one of them. Anyway, actually had a seemingly normal conversation with both of them today so that was nice.

I don't care much what people think of me, but I like to think I've made a half decent impression.

alright I'm gonna go to bed.

peace.