Last week of summer. Cat in danger...?

Finally. Officially 7 more days until I move...

Still sucks that I'm stuck moving the DAY BEFORE school starts.... But hey beggers can't be choosers, especially this late in the game and I'm lucky enough to get a 1-bedroom. I'm really excited to be living in Brooklane because even if it's just another apartment on campus it's still a new place. I've been trying to find a floor layout to show you guys but my connection is being retarded.

I worked the past few days, which honestly meant limited practice time aside from getting the chance to complete this video that I've been meaning to do for awhile:

Ha, you can always tell when I'm concentrating really hard because my nostrils flare up. 

I try to avoid this unappealing face on video and at recitals so I try to practice to the point that I don't need to think so hard.

Let's see, I work at 5'.. That'll be a nice short shift. Then I work Thursday from 11-4 pm, then I'm DONEEE! woohoooo! I'll be happy to tell Jake about my accomplishment on the completed video this week, and he'll also be happy that I took the guitar in the shop finally. Not having my electric the past few days has forced me to play with my acoustic which sometimes I find much more enjoyable. 

Today I'm going to work on In Keeping Secrets Silent Earth, primarily for MEMORIZATION. Jake's been hammering that into my head every lesson since the last recital and this last one he was like 

"Why don't you listen to me? You should listen to me! Stop relying on those damn tabs!"

I'm like

Lol isn't that so stinking cute? I watched the movie Hotel Transylvania over at Tyler's house recently, I loved it. Since I went over there I can't find my DS which is pissing me off to no end that I'd be so stupid to leave it somewhere. So many hundreds of hours invested into those damn pokemon games... the past few days I have been getting better sleep so maybe it's best that I put this hobby to bed.................... actually no, I want my DS.

I need to figure out where my student loan money's at and how to get access to it. I also need to call my doctor to see if I can get a refill on my perscription... He didn't call me back the last time I tried so I need to keep working on it. Yesterday I forgot to take prozac and this morning my body felt super sore and stiff, it was somewhat disturbing. But yeah that's just a reminder that I need to get this taken care of. 

My family has been trying to convince me to not take Miranda to college with me... They think that having her in the apartment without the ability to go outside freely is going to have adverse effects on her health and wellbeing. Though I have a hard time believing this myself, the thought of it gives me a ping of indifference on whether or not I should take her. 

She's been acting so weird lately ever since I got the boxes out and I'm convinced it's because she knows that I'm leaving again... This is why I just want to give this a chance to see if she would like to stay with me. If she doesn't I'll bring her home, easy as that. They're also convinced that I'm going to "let her run away" if I bring her up the day of the move. Uh no, we'll bring her in a cat carrier. 

My sister is really angry about me taking her and hasn't really spoke to me in days. Well you know what too bad, she has a boyfriend that's here to keep her company practically 24-7. I'm alone. Case closed. 

peace. 

I give up, you look like a complete....

It's unfortunate that some people have to act so rudely to get through their every day life, even if that person is quite attractive. It's like girls that think they're just too hot for everyone so they choose to flaunt it by acting like a bitch to everyone without consequences. It's kind of nasty, honestly.

I'm happy I'm not one of these people. To be honest I just all around can't stand mean people. Like I will try to find the good in anyone but the second that you act straight out mean and hateful toward people for whatever irrational reason you're only setting yourself up to be a very alone person.

I don't know, just something on my mind right now...I just wish it wasn't this person's girlfriend that didn't hate me automatically. And she posted this picture today that was just... blegh, so dark and trashy looking--we're not on the same wavelength and I know that there's no way this person will ever like me or want me around in their personal life.

I'm making chicken. It's 7:10 and I haven't studied yet today but I did a very good job of staying alert in class today. That's a plus, thanks Rhodiola or whatever that stuff my sister's boyfriend is selling me.

It's an energizing multi-vitamin, very good! 

Well I went on Katelynn's facebook today and noticed that I am not the only person she's cut out of her life. She's also cut out all of Alan's other friends like Chint and Stu and is no longer friends with Shyanne either. I hate to say that I'm a little relieved because Katelynn has actually done this before when she has problems that she builds up and doesn't tell anyone.. but it usually doesn't extend to me. This time she's cut me out and just like Jon A. after they broke off their engagement I am totally bewildered. 

I just want her to be okay. I have no idea what's going on with her and nobody seems too. I presume Alan is the only one who knows and it's not like I'm going to ask him if she's doing okay because I respect her enough not to talk to her if that's what she wants.... But this has still been a hard adjustment for me to swallow. 

At least school is going well. My speech class is starting to look like it's going to be one of my easier classes. I really have no trouble speaking in front of people anymore. Youtube has helped with that and saying "uhm" and "uh" too much. I just need to remember good posture. I'm not scared. 

There's a lot of really flirty, hyper, tanned girls in there. Lol it seems like that's what the comm department is full of. 

My statistics class, oddly enough, has a lot of attractive people in it too. Maybe people just look better because they were out in the sun all spring break. I certainly was not. Getting a tan never even crossed my mind. I love being different that way.

peace. 

Strange sense of relaxation.

Today's been so relaxed. Probably the most I've been in months. I'm thrilled to be back in my room here at Central to be honest with you guys. Brendan told me this evening I seemed more relaxed. He got home tonight and came over at like 8'. I made us delicious yakisoba.

I know, this is a professional photo and mine probably wasn't nearly as pretty but I suppose mine looked comparable to this. I used this really tender steak I bought at the store today, thinly sliced carrots, fresh bean sprouts, 1/4 cup onions, and those delicious "Asian blend" vegetables from Fred meyer. I need to get more of that, I'm all out. I like to put it on rice too. 

Anyway, Brendan brought over some salad that went super well with the dish. I'd also cooked some so-called oven baked "orange chicken" but the sauce tasted outright bizarre. It was okay though, the chicken was crispy at least. That felt like a nice way to start out this quarter. 

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. I don't have English so I at least won't have to be at my first class at 8'. My first class is economics at 9, which is going to mean walking all the way to Shaw. Good thing I just remembered to plug in my Zune, I would not want to walk that far without music and my spotify isn't working on my phone because apparently the micro SD card is broken. I need to replace it quickly, I'm wondering if I can purchase one at Fred Meyer or will I need to go to a Sprint store..

But yeah, I'm quite happy to be back and have this much privacy again. It's like I'm back in Emily world instead of the world that's wrapped around my family and friends when I'm at home. Not saying I don't like being at home, I'm sure you know what I mean.

So I accomplished my goal of posting a new guitar video on New Years! I know this classical so it probably won't get many views but I don't care. This song was a whole new challenge for me and I'm stoked having perfected it to upload quality. Next I would like to do Wherever I May Roam but I have not practiced it much  with the recording. That will be my new focus this upcoming week. I seem to start many songs but have a hard time finishing them. 

I just keep reminding myself that I'm still technically in my first year. I like to think of my mentality in my first couple years of playing the trumpet-- it's very similar to how I feel now in certain ways, like my overall ability to play comfortably. By my fourth year of playing the trumpet I felt so comfortable and I would like to achieve that on the guitar but it'll all just come with time and hard work.

peace. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

Today was a little better because of the following video

MyOwnStickFigure has been one of my favorite inspirational youtubers for awhile now. Though he's not necessarily trying to be an inspiration for anyone he makes these videos where he speaks out living with anorexia as well as tons of helpful advice that he's learned from years of therapy. These videos can be very helpful for me because I do deal with my own food anxiety. 

He's stopped making videos. Many people assume he passed away but did not close the channel to continue to help those in need. I originally thought this might be true as well until I looked at his channel activity and saw that he'd editted a playlist only three months ago (his most recent video was six months ago). I think he's still alive, but he's really found his faith and has many videos with his favorite.... I believe it's called "proverbs?" so I think today he's been dedicating all of his power to getting healthy and his spirituality. I hope so... Johnny's a really good person. He's been through so much with anorexia and he's finally found strength through his faith. I feel the same way about my anxiety and I hope I can get the same results. 

So yes, with the anxiety today was better than yesterday. Yesterday was pretty bad because I didn't take Lorazapam all day and really felt nervous and anxious. I ended up taking a whole pill instead of just a half in the evening when I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore and felt calm for the first time all day. I'm beginning to realize that when I run out of my perscription of Lorazapam there is a possibility that I will need to return to my doctor to seek other anti-anxiety medication options. 

Today I took two halves of Lorazapam. That and studying more about God has made today both relaxed and slightly emotional. Like I said before, whenever I read or talk about Christianity it has a way of making me cry because it's something that I know I need to find in my life again but I've been scared to face it and have pushed it under the rug time and time again until I felt I was ready.

Well, I feel now would be a better time than ever. People often turn to religion when they're going through hardship in their life and though many people who see my life from the exterior might think my life seems nearly perfect do not understand what I go through internally. This anxiety during this very transitional period of my life has made if difficult to live and makes it harder and harder to enjoy... anything! I've gotten so much great advice and support from friends and relatives yet I seem to slip back into these feelings of fear, tension and anxiety. I think it's time for me to finally ask God for help. 

Another big inspiration for me is IchBinKeinberliner, or Kristin. She has schizophrenia and makes many videos about mental illness, including depression and anxiety. I discovered this evening that she has a website: 

http://kristinbell.org/2007/07/25/tips-and-tricks-for-surviving-a-mental-illness-1/ 

I'm going to start reading these pages this evening. Though the mental illness that I've had to deal with throughout my life isn't I guess as... radical as what she's been through, I can still relate to many of her videos and get good advice from them. YouTube has been so helpful for me to better understand such a wide variety of incredible people and in exchange better understand myself. 

That's really all I had to say today. Quite honestly I spent my entire day in my room. I got up at about 8' this morning, took a shower, lightly blowdried then hoped on the Sims. I've actually gotten quite a bit of enjoyment out of the Sims 3 expansion where you can make your sim a celebrity. Later when I get my computer back onto the internet I'll post a few screenshots of my character's rise to stardom, haha. 

I played guitar for a little less than three hours today. Brendan and I didn't text that much but I'm really excited to see him tomorrow. Tomorrow is New Years eve after all! Which means I will begin packing tomorrow morning, excellent. I've had a pretty good Christmas break overall, and it's going to feel nice to get back into the old grind.

But it's actually not the OLD grind! With this New Year I have many resolutions to help improve my quality of life from where it is now. I will tell you guys those tomorrow. 

peace. 

What does a good entrepreneur do when her plan fails?

I've got some pretty exciting news.

I got a message on Youtube from another kid here at Central that apparently was planning to give guitar lessons as well. I'm excited to meet this person because HELL-O! They play guitar too! That's exciting in itself. He said he hasn't been able to find any students either. Based on the lack of ability to generate funds in one way I'm turning to other sources-- the internet!

Here's my first guitar lesson video that I uploaded today. It's basic alternate picking and corresponding note exercise, just as I would initially teach my guitar student. I figure if I do one of these on a semi-regular basis, I can maybe gain some subscribers on youtube, become a partner and earn a small amount of income that way. 

If that doesn't work, well, at least I tried and I can use it as a reference tool for my students if they forget what I'd taught them during a lesson. You might be wondering, why would students actually get lessons from you if they could just look online? Because in person you can ask me questions, I can elaborate things for you, and I can teach you way more tricks and exercises than I plan to upload to youtube. 

You can support my channel on youtube by subbing to me. My url is www.youtube.com/ewilsonlife. The channel itself has a pretty random assortment of stuff that has gone from "kawaii" Japanese themed videos to... Iron Maiden covers. I'm weird.

But my life is fun, seriously I do enjoy things around here even if after a high stress class situation I can always seem to find stuff to bitch about to my mom. The main stress on the back burner is, again, my 21st birthday and what I'm going to be doing for that. I'm just hoping Jason and I spend the evening together on either Saturday or Sunday. That's all I really want, I've already gotten my gifts from my family, I've got more than enough money to survive here for awhile and I'm also set for clothes. 

Jason and I had a really nice night together last night, that was pretty unexpected! 

He's been really busy with studies like I have. I've already studied accounting today for an hour, sorta dredged through the first half of Chapter 3 today. We didn't talk about Chapter 2 at all a couple days ago so I'm wondering if he's going to do any review for that chapter. I don't really care either way, Chapter 2 is pretty straight forward, it talks about methods in costing (both direct costs and indirect costs of a product). Costing is basically the plan for how much a business anticipates spending on manufacturing a product (or many products) for the upcoming month. Product costs are the cost involved in making the product itself when overhead costs are the cost to run the company itself. 

Overhead costs can include anything from the heating bill, the cost of the toilet paper in the bathrooms, the wage of the employees. Product costs include the cost of the raw materials and even the cost of employees that are putting the product together. I think back to my days cherry picking and the little punch cards that would say how many boxes of cherries that picker had completed. The Cost, then, of that box of cherries includes the amount it took to pick them. 

I post a lot of pictures of cherries on this blog, haha. 

A lot of this terminology is hard to keep track of but I'm very fortunate that I have this much life experience to understand a lot it. Working at Rite Aid has helped me understand merchandise costing, inventory, and hourly wages versus salaries. Working on the farm has helped me understand touch labor or direct labor because you really can't get much more direct then picking cherries off a tree and punching a card that says you did it. 

peace. 

Seeing someone for the first time in years

I'm writing to give my hands a break more than anything.

My left hand needs to relax because I've been working on Fear of the Dark for an hour and a half trying to get it to where it's recording ready. I really want to make that second video. I've just it down to just about right but there's still some problems in the intro, as well as coordinating so that the track isn't too loud for my recorder, the amp isn't too loud OR too quiet... recording on a computer is tricky without the proper equipment, but Jacob seemed pretty impressed by my video editting skills using Windows Movie Maker.

I had a nice day, met up with Jordan G. and we had coffee and discussed our updates on life. For us it's been years since we've been able to update on anything, even if she's been living in Benton City for awhile now. I guess I'd never checked in with her again because I was afraid our political views and personalities would differ so much now that we wouldn't be able to get along but I was wrong. We clicked very well and had a great discussion. She's had a lot of resolve in her life from the previous divorce situations that she's had  growing up and now she's starting to get settled in with her boyfriend Logan. Logan's family has been very supportive of Jordan since early in highschool when she moved to La Grande.

Jacob came over and talked to us after me and Jordan had been talking for about an hour so she got to meet my drug of choice this summer. Literally guitar playing has become like a drug.

It's funny, I explained to Jordan that I had a depression problem through highschool and that I was medicated on a few things before I dropped anti-depressant drugs. She said that I was the "debby downer" in middle school, and I look back to 7th grade and I'm sure I was. I was miserable practically all the time because I felt ugly and outcasted. Lack of self esteem reflects and people take advantage of it.

I'm glad things have changed since then.

Susan Atkins. I still plan on making that Sims 2 video of my replica of Spahn and Barker Ranch but I haven't had a chance yet... mainly because of time constraints, seems like whenever I get done practicing I don't feel like doing much else or it's 11 PM and starting a project seems like too much work.

I'm in Week 18 now. Just completed Month 4 recently. Another paper for my wall. I did 77.13 hours in July, which is pretty good considering the the California trip and all. I could have gone that whole week without playing but I took comfort in it when visiting with Grandma created stress at times.

I studied accounting today for an hour, sort of just going over the journal entry process and how to do all that again, Assets = Liabilities + O.E. and all the accounts that go under each headings, the basic stuff that we nailed over and over again in Key's class. I'm also kind of getting into adjusting entries from unearned service revenue to earned. How I'm memorizing it is applying "real life" to everything, imagining all of the accounting circumstances with my little guitar business that I'm going to start, even if it's entirely fictional because I don't even know if I'll be able to do it. Still, though, it's making things make a lot more sense.

Just me and my sister tonight, everything's locked up and quiet so my sister can go to sleep. She's got work tomorrow morning at 3 AM. My parents randomly left on some trip somewhere again.

peace.

"So you're a female shredder?"

Last summer I was really concerned that Guy Stevens was the reason that I got sick and couldn't eat anything or sleep. I thought it was because I was nervous around him and the anxiety caused appetite suppression

This year the same thing has been happening, and there's been a 180 degree turnaround of the amount of stress in my life since last summer. I can't eat very well nor can I sleep quite right, even in my own bed. I've been making myself sleep with motion sickness relief pills occasionally (just one, don't panic) just to keep my sleeping routine in tact. I'll try to go to bed at a decent time but the heat will keep me up and then it'll end up being 1 or 2 AM before I actually sleep. The heat actually struck late this year, here it is late July and we're just barely getting that uncomfortable heat outside.


Me and Trisha were sitting outside last night while she was smoking a cigarette and I actually got cold with a slight breeze after being in their very warm house. I haven't liked the temperature changes this summer because I've either been really cold or hot. The only place I can seem to get temperature control is at home. Katelynn's house is pretty close to perfect, too, temperature wise but when I wear skimpy clothes to beat the summer heat I have to sit with a blanket. It's all silly. Maybe next summer I'll venture north to get away from this heat.

I've been hanging out over at Trisha's and Dylan's house a lot, for a number of reasons. First of all, me and Trisha were immediately really good friends. Our personalities contrast in a perfect way so that we get along. She's much more of a Type B personality than I am. She's so graceful and good at things that I suck at like cooking and cleaning so I feel like I can learn a lot from her. She's nice, very cool, she never annoys me and she has a good sense of humor.

______________________________________________________

Dylan and I sometimes butt heads. Not about anything in particular but he does rip on my music taste at least once or twice each time we're together. I don't rip on his but I think it pisses him off that I'm a shred guitarist and don't do much else yet. I've only been playing for... what this is week 15 or something? I want to expand to other music as I get better but this takes time. They've both been playing for years.

I did however notice Dylan trying to play some thrashy sounding stuff when we were sitting in the basement. I'll sit at there house while I'm hanging out with them and play like I do at home just to get my hours in. I won't play with the volume or anything because I know they don't like the music that I like.

Last night, however, this poking fun of my playing got to the point that I actually cried. We were sitting upstairs; me, Trisha, Dylan and Dylan's friend.. crap I can't remember his name, ERIC! Their shaggy haired blonde friend Connor usually showed up out of the blue from time to time, too, but Dylan and Eric are very close.

I liked Eric alright at first, he's got a pretty good sense of humor and he's intelligent. However, anytime I'd say anything around him he'd always either talk over me or rip on me, so I'd sort of stop talking after awhile. He's clever, he could take something I was describing that I was passionate about and totally turn it on me and make it seem like the lamest thing in the world. 

He really pushed my buttons at around 1 am. We'd been partying a bit and I was really exhausted, we were sitting upstairs watching this political humor show... not Colbert Report but the other one. I don't know, I could care less about most politics in this country and don't recognize any of the "guests" on these shows, nor do I watch the news. I was doing my last hour of guitar, all palm muted of course so nobody would get annoyed by it. 

I like the music that I do because I don't relate to music about love. Somehow my brain relates more to music about pain, war, Hell and destruction. Even if my life hasn't been that bad I've been through so much war with my own depression, pain and injustice with the people that this music just suits me better. So of course if I'm going to learn how to play guitar I'm going to learn songs that I like. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. In fact I hate playing in front of people and still consider myself a NOVICE player even if some that have heard me have been impressed with my speed. 

Eric picked up my practice sheet and started reading the titles out loud. "Wow, look at this. Alternate picking pattern 1... alternate picking pattern 2... chromatic scales.. Am I reading this handwriting right? Fear of the Dark, OHH that sounds scary.." I simply told him it was by Iron Maiden. 

He goes on to tell me, "Look, it's cool that you're a female shredder, there's none on the "scene" right now... but I absolutely can't stand this music and I'll just be over here doing MY *insert some band here, I don't even know*." He went off on a five minute tangent from here ripping on what I do and started making fun of how serious I was about it and in this process I'm like "Stop...... stop... Please stop." 

I told him that I didn't want to be on any sort of "scene." I didn't want to be in a band or anything, I just want to play. He told me, "OHH you're just playing so that you can upload a video on youtube or something and have a bunch of metalheads get blown away that you can play their favorite song. Favorite. Favorite. Favorite." I had no prior indication that I had a youtube channel but he did hit the nail on the head with that one, yet made it sound so lame that I felt like I was being vain and ridiculous for even wanting to do so. 

By now he had taken my practice sheet and started writing things on it. I don't know what he wrote because I finally just started crying and said, "It's like my therapy, don't do that!" He crossed the line.

It would have been 10x worse if he would of had the nerve to write on my actual practice sheet. I would have probably ripped it away from him and left. It's a major depression curbing tool that I use that is sacred to me. I was really offended and humiliated that he would take something that I thought was so cool and personal to me, and turned it into something that made me feel like I was being lame in my methods to other guitarists.

I'm going to get going, I slept in until 1 today because nobody's been home and I've just been chilling out. I don't want to see anybody, really. 

peace. 

Loving the sound of certain people's speaking voice?

It's weird watching myself on youtube.

I just made this video today. Lovely icon, isn't it? I look just darling. Someday, Youtube will get the wise idea to let us choose our own icons. Not uploading wise, NO, that would be a freaking disaster. You'd have tons of videos with super awesome icons that when you click on them get you rick roll'd or some shit. That's why I say thank god you can't upload pictures to represent your videos, because you would have to weed through way more crap.

Granted, a lot of youtube IS crap, but some of that crap I enjoy, mainly blogs. My love of blogs is somewhat hard to explain, and I've never tried explaining it before except for to Michael Kaminski who actually understood what I was talking about, which was so relieving to me because I thought I was alone. I will try to explain this the best way I can.

For some reason, I love listening to vblogs (video blogs), and very rarely watch any other kinds of videos on youtube. I usually have vlogs playing while I browse the net, which may seem weird to some... but who would want to sit there and watch someone's face? Usually I have vblogs on in the background if I'm cleaning or want to zone out on something, like the guitar, and totally lose myself and listen.

Shannon Copley, one of my favorite vloggers. I think her voice is so relaxing for some reason.
I guess it gives me the same feeling as listening to some very relaxing music.

You see, it's not just anyone's voice that I can listen to for eight minutes and enjoy the sound of their voice as if it was enjoying their company-- in fact most people's voices I can't stand. I've noticed that most of the people that I listen to on a regular basis have accents:
-IvoryTicklerMama has a southern accent like Paula Dean.
-QueenJasmineTagaholi has an English accent.

-XiiaoJerry has one of those cute Asian (Chinese I think) EFL accents.

-Kiwua1963 has a Mexican accent.

But then there's also people that I enjoy listening to that don't have accents unlike my own such as Coffeehouseporcupine, ShannonCopley, and RainbowPagan2. But something about all of those user's voices makes me feel calm.

But maybe it's not about their voices as it is about what they're saying. I like CoffeeHousePorcupine's videos, but I would only listen to his vlogs about his daily life, not nessasarily the depressing ones about living with lymph node leukemia and his MLB favorites.

Coffeehouseporcupine. His rant about closing shopping malls when it's hot out.

Maybe I just like listening to them because they are talking about possitive things and it helps me not think about the goings on in my life. It also teaches me a lot about people, and just the fact that I'm listening to someone talk about their daily lives enchants me in a sense because I love getting a better understanding of people in their day to day lives. We all vary so much in our cultures.

Just thought I would talk about that tonight. Today has been slow, but me and Corey got together toward the end of the day and watched the final episode of america's got talent. Landau won!!! Woooo!!! I'm so happy.

yours,

emily