Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Hey don't you wanna go down

Morning everyone..

Technically afternoon in 6 minutes. I've already logged an hour of practice time but it was while watching Intervention simultaneously. I realize now that in order to become more effective in my practicing I must cut out other distractions like my shows. Distractions decrease the utility of my time significantly because my brain is only half paying attention to the music... And even if I'm still practicing and looking at the music my mind is still more preoccupied with what's being said on the show.

This is Michael, a rage addict featured on the show Intervention season 1. 

Yesterday I did happen across a pretty interesting episode though. Michael is 22 years old and is classified by his father as a "rageaholic." Michael has had anger issues his entire life, his brother even stated that he'd hit a classmate with a music stand in the 7th grade (after his parents had divorced when he was 12). He's basically beat the Hell out of his family his entire life. His mother was asked to not participate in the documentary at all which makes me think there was some major abuse when he lived with her after the divorce. 

In the interviews his brother describes how he had been beaten unconscious and his father with a 6-foot park bench. 

I had never heard of rageaholism before this episode.. I guess aside from people that I've met in my life that have told me they had "anger problems" that they have overcome in the past. My Dad's always had a bad temper but he's nowhere near a rageaholic. From what I've been told a very close friend of mine used to have a lot of anger problems and used to treat people pretty mean which I can believe..... no offense. 

Finally got a video up of my playing... it's taken months to get the courage to do this but after I was able to work up to 100% speed after thorough practice this last week I made sure to log this accomplishment. It kind of helped me get over the feeling of doubt about my choice for the concert too so that was good. Today I'm going to play master of puppets and the day that never comes while my Mom and sister are in town.

I've got to work today at 6' which pretty much sucks d*&k.... I'm so tired of that effing place, this is technically my fifth shift in a row. At least it's from 6-close, those are usually my easiest shifts. To top it off it's a Wednesday and like yesterday there's not very many big sales going on in the kids department so I'm safe from the crowds of this last labor day weekend nonsense. From what I've heard it won't get that busy again until December. who knows if I'll even still be working there. I could technically put in my two weeks now because I dread the place but I think once I move back up to school it'll be okay. Like knowing I've got that tiny form of income and sort of an obligation to come home and recoup could be nice... or not what I want at all.

I'm getting really excited to move back to Central, that I know for sure. I still don't have a roommate. I still just want to sit around and practice all day before work and not find one... shiiiit. The next two days I have off work so there's no reason I shouldn't do everything I can the next couple days. Besides I've got nothing planned.

I can promise you 
You'll stay as beautiful 
With dark hair 
And soft skin...forever 

Make up your mind 
Make up your mind

It's weird not having Katelynn in my life anymore because admittedly I have not really "gone out" and gotten drunk or anything since we've stopped being friends. I don't see myself going to bars anytime soon, especially now that the only person I'm really hanging out with is Zach and he's 20.

Nobody ever claimed those roses.... I don't understand what the point of that was. Here I am trying to get over someone, starting to like another guy when those roses got thrown in the mixture and has made my current state of mind much more isolated emotionally. Zach is really cute and he's a good guy and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him....

It's not fair that Zach and I have so much in common and I do like him but I've still felt unresolved about this Jay situation, especially after I got those flowers and I'd sort of suspected they were from him after I'd eliminated some names off a list. I've eliminated this list to thinking A) they are from him or B) someone that was trying to f*&k with my head and make it look like they were from him (because that's who I'd liked at the time) because they hate me...... lmfao.

I have no reason to not spend time with Zach and see where this goes. Me and Zach actually have way more in common... like we're both kind of nerdy and he appreciates a lot of the same music that I do (He had a period in highschool that he was listening to a lot of metal so he's knowledgeable and appreciates my guitar playing a lot.) He has emotions and I feel like he really listening when I'm talking to him.

But there's still something about Jay that I've always been really attracted too. I just find him interesting, sexy, intelligent, strong, resourceful.... But these are all qualities that I've perceived, which may or may not be the case. My logic is bias for him obviously and is more patient than what my Mom is saying and that's to drop it because we haven't talked in a month. I know that she's right.

 But because the case of the flowers and why Jay completely dropped contact remains unsolved I continue to sort of wonder what the Hell and why. I figure if Jay did want to do something he would have done it by now and changed his mind. 


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