Friday, May 25, 2012

If people would just stop reminding me of this...

It's 12:04 pm. This time a few years back I'd barely be out of bed by now.

Well, if it was the weekend a few years back... Yeah, lets just say there was a time that on the weekends or during the summer I'd get in this routine of not getting out of bed until 1 pm because I was up the previous night until 1 or 2 am. This is a very bad habit that I choose not to do anymore, and it's benefit me a lot. For instance, I no longer have much acne. I don't know if it was mainly due to the Differin or the fact that I've stopped staying up late. A combination of the two has helped, we'll say.

Thus far today I've played guitar for 110 minutes, almost a couple hours. I'm getting better at time management with this. It doesn't seem hard to take a solid three hours out of your day but it is, it makes you feel very shut out. Facebook and Japanese class really do keep me somewhat sane socially, though. That and work. That creepy older Mexican guy has been coming into Rite Aid a lot and bothering me with his almost obsessive loitering. I didn't see Josh K. at all yesterday. I'd sort of forgotten about him until one of my managers mentioned him "checking you out." I don't know if that's true or not, or if she just heard from Tammy or Jodi that I liked him and they pointed him out when he came in.

It makes me sad and sort of irritated that they all know about him. I wish I hadn't told anyone in the first place because now it makes me twice as sad when he comes in. He's got NO interest in seeing me outside of work, he's got his own thing going on.. he's dirtbiking, hanging out with his friends, being a 22 year old guy. And I don't blame him.

If it gives you an idea of how much of a lost cause Josh Kilgore would be to pursue, here's a picture of his default on facebook. His most recent status was that he doesn't want to leave the bar but he has to for "work and sutff."

That's okay though, it's perfectly normal for him to want to go out and party, have fun with his friends, etc etc.. Especially after what he told me. Josh wants to have kids here in a couple years. That surprised me a lot to hear when we spent a little time together, because most guys don't just up and say that, but it's pretty normal. I mean just look at Zach March, Jyle, Jaye Crow, these guys that I've had contact with and have pursued me at one time or another that all have babies and have MAJOR responsibilities now.

That being said, if Josh was being honest there, I don't blame him at all! When you have a kid your life becomes their life, and if you're not ready to make the commitment yet you'll end up going behind your wife's back and probably causing the child a ton of grief. He's doing himself a favor, and then when he decides he does want a baby he'll be ready to settle down for it. I don't think he's going to be going to college or anything anytime soon, and if he does it'll be CBC.. which of course I'm done with. I probably make him feel sort of intimidated.

I know I make Connor feel sort of intimidated. He's the only guy I've been spending any time with off and on, and we've hung out a few times in the past four or five weeks. Connor on the other hand probably has ZERO intention of kids anytime soon, but he's sort of in the same boat Josh is in. He wants to have fun, fuck around, not be tyed down to some girl. It's not that I'd be trying to tye down Josh or Connor or anybody.

 I'd just be nice to spend time with a guy that cares about me that I'm semi attracted too, I really don't think that's too much to ask. But it doesn't ever seem to happen. I don't think it's because I'm not attractive or anything, but ever since I've gotten over my depression I've been so scared to give any guy ANY of my feelings because I don't want to get back where I started. Believe me, I'd LIKE to have someone to talk too when I just feel like talking, or someone to spend time with during some of these many, many, many hours I spend playing this instrument to ease some of the pain I experience from loneliness.

But it only happens when I'm alone, which is when I'll try listening to some Dream Theater or Metallica, something about the pain love brings. I jam, smoke weed, watch documentaries about war and lives that are worse then mine. It numbs the pain and makes me feel normal, and very humbled. Happy about my life and everything I have. I have friends, I have people to talk too. I feel like with everything I have I shouldn't need a man at all, which I DON'T. And I know this very well, but I can't help when there's something inside me that occasionally yells at me "HEY!! WHY ARE YOU SO ALONE. YOU'RE 20 YEARS OLD, YOU'RE HOT, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM??" At least it's gone from my mind saying "You're worthless, you'll never be with anyone." I really don't feel that way anymore, but it's hard to think otherwise when nothing has proved any different. At this point it seems to need a fucking miracle.

Today has really been a good day so far though. I did a load of laundry and washed the dishes. I think I look really nice today. As for guitar progress, I am getting the hang of the distortion part of cemetary gates. I'm going shopping with my sister, buying some clothes. I want to get my nails done so that they have music notes on them. I tried doing it myself but it looked like shit (haha of course, I never said I was good at manicures!).

I'm going to play my guitar some more and hopefully get another hour in before we leave. We're not leaving until Denae leaves the school, goes home and gets ready so that'll be plenty of time for me! I'll hang in there, everything's fine. I think it's normal for me to feel the way that I do. This hopelessness has sort of allowed me learn to cope otherwise.


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