Friday, May 11, 2012

I now admit what I've held back before

Today, I sort of had to talk about this with my Mom, and felt a little stupid about it. I find myself growing more and more humbled now days. I wake up in the morning with the daily task of three hours of guitar practicing, so I have to be smart about how I plan my day ahead to make sure I get that responsibility done. Then I also have the chore of helping out around the house; maybe helping out with the laundry and make sure I do a load of dishes every day and clean the kitchen.

My day starts out taking a shower. I step out, dry off a little, go into my room and add my miracle conditioner product. I then do my makeup, get completely ready and play guitar as long as I can before I have to go. Usually I'll go early and attempt to study but things are getting harder. I really need  to spend more time studying Japanese but lately I hate it and I just want to get through it so bad. It's getting harder and harder to keep up with the grammar and I don't see it slowing down. The way I see it, there's no stopping, I just need to sit down, get some God damn studying done, and figute out the material.

Anyway, my weekends, every weekend, for the past month now (officially as of yesterday I've been taking guitar lessons for a month, go me!) have been just working in the morning until 3 then coming home and playing guitar until about 9:30, working out, maybe playing some more, bed.

This same routine is over and over again so the point that I don't really see a need to break it. I feel content in this life. I feel healthy, strong, my head is in the right place. I feel my body is precious and I don't want to hurt it. I won't go into details, but I'll just say I've done NOTHING in the past month, with anyone. This hobby, along with my almost comical string of final dedication to CBC classes, new found self confidence. . . has left me totally abstinent. And I do not see myself doing anything anytime soon because I don't want anything to do with most guys that way. Why be with some weirdo right before I leave? Ha ha, seriously!

So to me, a kiss is once again sort of significant.

I remember when I heard he was dating her when Katharine was over. Somehow he gets brought up when shes around but never any other time. My mom told me out of the blue and initially I felt shocked because I hadn't heard about it; though I sort of assumed... I remember we had talked and then suddenly stopped talking thus he had found someone else. I have hated Jessica since middle school when she dated Sheldon Brock (who, at the time, was COMPLETELY out of my league so it was silly for me to think otherwise), because I was envious of her. Then she ends up dating Jack, the only guy I've ever really liked in my life. It was a huge slap in the face.

Though I honestly came to the realization recently that there's no reason to hate Jessica for "what she did." She dated Jack because she probably thought he was hot or something, woohoo they probably had sex and Jack's mom probably thinks she's SO fantastic! My mom was convinced they were going to get engaged, which I brushed off and thought that'd be just precious. Jessica didn't think of me when she dated him, and she probably had no idea that I had that any intentions of wanting to be with him again when we hadn't talked for so long.

Jessica's admittedly a very attractive person, she's got a great body, she's athletic, has a beautiful smile, and her ditsiness makes people feel  smarter and thus better about themselves. She has a lot of qualities that I don't that I could see WHY Jack would want to be with her. Jack has his own insecurities and I'm sure being with a steriotypical bombshell must be a huge ego boost.

But why is it that he continues to add me on facebook after I delete him and send me periodic text messages if he never commits to any plans or seems to have any intention of talking to me? Don't people understand how confusing this is to me? I have a right to be confused. Make up your fucking mind.

That being said the next person I kiss will be someone I really care about. I don't want some nasty ass creep kissing me ever again, I don't want some weirdo violating me. My health is at stake. I have no STDs. I survived my naughtier times.. I think a lot of girls go through this. But now, I feel almost completely numb to it. I don't have much interest in sex anymore, and it only took a month of not having sex.

Thank god I had this realization, I feel free. I don't care about what Jack does at all, and I don't think he has any intentions of talking to me this summer. He's single now but he'll probably find some other girl before he moves back into the tri cities with his family.

Though I felt freed from this, I also felt myself being very lonely. Lost hope in that aspect has left me feeling really stupid for ever thinking otherwise. I try not to get emotionally involved with anyone and I tried not to talk to him at all but when he texts me first and adds me first it's sort of hard to avoid him.

That and, I have absolutely no interest in anyone else. Josh was cute, I guess, and I see him at work all the time, but he's still way behind me in the path he's going on versus my own. He's still trying to get his roots planted, you know? I've already got my roots planted and I'm ready to grow the fuck out of here. I have a hard time publicizing this here on my blog but I feel it's necessary to have this in writing to get down exactly how I feel. It's not right for people to NOT know why someone hates them. If Jessica has heard that I hate her, which maybe she has maybe not, she probably still has no idea why.

I hope this all doesn't make me sound crazy. I guess I just sort of feel in a rut. I expressed this to my mom today and she told me to calm down and not worry about it. I try not too, and she tells me that she doesn't blame me for feeling the way that I do. People are in relationships everywhere, it's like some game. It's really hard for me to find anyone that I particularily like, and a lot of the time when I do really like them I didn't really have any game or anything. Well, now I'm no longer trying to have game with anyone. I'm just myself. I don't want anyone to touch or mess around with my body because I get NOTHING out of it anymore.

My self esteem is now completely satisfied. I no longer seek sex or men to give me anything that I can't get from sitting down and playing for a few hours and smoking a bowl, maybe going on a long run. And this has been satisfying my life for the past month now. So things are going well. I feel I have found my center. Though I don't have any love in my life, that's okay. There doesn't need to me. I am sexy, funny, beautiful, intelligent, now somewhat musically talented (or getting there) and I love my friends and people I'm closest to in my life.

But sometimes, I do get sort of lonely. Sometimes it'd be nice to spend time with someone. It's been a really long time since I've liked anyone, and I think the only reason I focus on the Jack thing at all is because it's not like there's really anything else going on. Jack seems to have his own junk going on, as always, and I'd rather not play into it.

going to bed now. night.


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