Saturday, January 14, 2012

I'm just so alone.

Life is hard for me.

I really don't want to go into this again but I need to get it off my chest before I leave. Right now I'm grinding tilapia and waiting for my pants to dry in the dryer. God damn, I feel low tonight. I slept about an hour after work, and now I'm going to a bonfire in like an hour and I don't even want to go. My heart hurts. I can't even think straight without my mind feeling empty and low.

I guess I've been feeling it a lot lately. Especially on the weekends. I am fine at school because I'm surrounded by many people that care about me, but when I'm alone, in my room, smoking and fiddle fucking around on the computer, I'm reminded how alone I feel. Well, there's other circumstances too. Like the continual bombarding of facebook posts of girls that are like ecstatic 24/7 when they're with their boyfriend and the people that always seem to ask me why I haven't been with anyone in so long. I always have the same answer. Guys have liked me but I never seem to like any of them and none of the guys that I ever seem to like have interest in me back.

I met a guy yesterday, however briefly, at Leah's birthday party. He was in my music appreciation class awhile back. Anyway we talked, he seemed really sweet, *really* cute, presentable, etc etc.... I should probably back up and mention that this guy worked at the ice rink and didn't know Leah. Leah had her group of friends with her, none of which seemed particularily interested in talking to me, so I sort of blew them off at the end of skating to talk to this one guy that was holding my purse up at the front. They had sort of randomly been hitting on me earlier and I blew them off, but when I got really tired of skating around in circles, I figured what the hell.

I went up to grab my purse, and talked asked if this super cute blonde guy was the one that sat behind me in music appreciation. We (me, Wyatt and some other guy that worked there) were talking for like 20 minutes. We talked about school a lot, why we were going, you know typically introductory stuff. I sort of wanted to talk to him again so I asked him if I could add him on facebook or something. He said "yeah totally" and told me his last name was Van-....something. I couldn't hear him. And at about the same time, Leah trots up wearing her schoolgirl skirt and . . . oh god, a TAIL. She came skating wearing that, and must of said like three times-- "I don't know why I came dressed like this. I did just cause'." I honestly didn't think twice of her outfit until she started talking about it over and over. But yeah, she comes up to the fudging counter practically yelling "Have you seen my tail? Look I can shake it!! TOUCH IT!" I should of just been like, "Uh... yeah.... okay?" but then I would of looked like a bitch. It was an absolute no win situation.

I ended up leaving my number fpr Wyatt to the guy's coworker who asked me for it, feeling sort of stupid about it because I don't like looking forward. But yeah, I'm sure in this situation, I either looked WAY too forward or Leah's weirdness creeped him out. Probably a combination of both.
For some reason this event made me feel sort of sad. I guess most girls would, right? I don't even know anymore.

I am going to this bonfire thing that Lindy Covington is having and it's going to be freezing as balls out there. I don't even know if I want to go.... but I have too because that's what the plan was and I'd be hugely letting lindy down. But I'm going to be really cold, and I feel like I might have a bit of a fever. Plus I work at 7 tomorrow morning. Decisions, decisions.

Meh, it'll all get figured out and I just need to go with the flow.


Okay, and on a side note, I think I'm going to continue to use "peace." as my closer.

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